about

Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

advice

Hello, I'm 19 and female and my friend is 22 and male.

I met him through a mutual friend one day. She always talks about him and she put a picture of him and her on instagram one day, I thought he was cute and I told her so we were all planning to go to a party one night up at school and she told me to ask him to go. At the time, we were only following each other on twitter so I direct messaged him and asked him. It took a bit of convincing but he decided he wanted to go so we all met up and we all walked to the party. Nothing really happened so we all left and split up to go back to our own rooms. That night, I direct messaged him on twitter and said "here's my number, so we can be friends :)" and I obviously gave him my number. Not five minutes later, I got a text from him saying "don't worry, we are definitely friends :)"

About a week passed with us texting a little here and there. Our mutual friend was throwing a going away party for one of her friends at this guys apartment and she asked me to go. My guy friend said it was totally okay but I had to work so I went after work. It was pretty dead when I went so I basically only went to pick up my friends and drive them back to our dorm. He texted me and said he was mad I wasn't there so we couldn't talk and I told him I was but I didn't stay long so he said we'll take a raincheck.

About another week passed and he texted me that there was a party at his friends apartment and she said it was okay that I go. So, my roommate and I went and he didn't really talk to us much there but we did talk a little, his home friends were up visiting so he was spending most of his time with them. But, I told him I was leaving and he gave me a hug and said he'd text me later and he did. That was a Friday.

The next night, he texted me and asked if my roommate and I wanted to pick up him and his friends from the bar because they were all there for his best friend's 21st. So, he texted me at 2 when the bar closed and we went to get them and we took them back to his apartment and hung out with them for a little bit. Then he pulled me aside and said he didn't really want to sit and watch his apartment get ruined so he asked if he could stay with me in my dorm room and I told him yea, to let me know when he wants to go. He said he was ready then so we went back to my place and he made himself right at home in my bed. I took my time getting my pjs on and everything but when I was ready to get in my bed, he asked if I would be uncomfortable him laying there and I said no so he immediately opened his arms and we just cuddled and talked all night. He didn't try anything and I really liked that he didn't. We woke up the next morning, turned on the tv and watched movies all day until his roommate picked him up because he didn't have his car at my place. He left about five pm so he stayed with me most of the day.

The next weekend, he didn't want to party so him and his roommate were just watching sports and he asked if I wanted to come over and hang with them, I said I would love to and he said "would you love to sleep over as well?" So, I said yes. I went over and we watched some tv on the couch and just hung out. Then he said he was about ready for bed so we both went up and we cuddled in his bed and talked until about 3 when I fell asleep, I woke up the next morning and he wasn't there because he had a final, he left me a note telling me that and he said he'd be back within the hour. So, I went back to sleep and I woke back up again with him behind me, shirtless with his arm around me. We talked about his final and everything, went back to sleep for a little and we woke back up and we weren't really saying anything, so he grabbed my face and kissed me. He reached over to his bedside table to get a condom but he was out so we didn't do much of anything after that except talk with his arm still around me. I said I should go because I had to return some books to the book store and he said he'd walk with me because he does too. So, we walked there together to return our books and then he left to go have lunch with our mutual friend.

Now, the year is over and we are both home for the summer. We have texted every single day, he texts me during work, during parties at his friend's school, during movies with his friends, during vacations with his friends, during meals with his family but it's usually dumb stuff we talk about but I just like that we talk. Except, we haven't hung out since the morning we hooked up. We've talked about it a bit but he's usually the one to pass being too tired from work. However, my old roommate lives at school for a job she has so I go up there to hang out a lot and he said next time I go up to let him know but I told him the next time I was going up and he already had plans so I got bummed telling him I was hoping we could see each other tonight and he said he would back out of his plans but I told him I didn't want him to do that because that's rude and he agreed so we didn't hang out. He also did tell me (I'm commuting to school next semester to get more hours at work) that I can stay at his apartment whenever I want next semester with him so I know we're still friends it's just strange. My old roommate says he likes me, our mutual friend says he likes me, his best guy friend told my best guy friend that he thinks he likes me but I'm just not sure. If he does, why don't we hang out when we aren't at school?

I guess the moral is; what do you think? Does he like me? What should I do about it?

Thanks.

I'd say yes, sounds like he is interested in you and attracted to you, otherwise he wouldnt be inviting you to cuddle with him. If a guys interest was only skin deep, he'd have tried for sex the first time.
When in college and if there are jobs and commuting involved, scheduled can get very complicated. It doesnt mean he's not interested, it means he really has no time. That was the problem when I met my husband on a dating site. His boss was working him easy 12 hours a day plus Saturday mornings. He'd work 6 to 6 so only Saturday afternoon and all Sunday was available other than nights. He felt he had no business looking for a lady to date if he had so little time for her but he was lonely and wanted the social contact, as little as it might be.
It worked out for us and our schedule is now different and we have lots of time together.

Guys seem to learn how to juggle several priorities at the same time. There may be many things in life that require their full attention at times. School, work, friends, family, and girlfriend are the common ones. If he has you as one of his top 3, then you are very important. Some times women have a totally different idea of how much attention or how much they should hear from a guy if he likes her and often they want lots more than is reasonable. Next time you see him, ask him if he is happy with how much the two of you are able to hang out. Just talk about it, perhaps while the schedules are so hectic, you both might be creative and come up with a weekly time that always works the same day each week.
Good luck

[view]

21/f

I'm dating a guy who still uses Tinder. I heard it could be quite addicting after using it for awhile. But I realized that he's been getting on it more after two months of dating. I've spoken to him about it but he told me that he's still getting to know me and just because he met me, he's not going to put "all of his eggs in one basket"? Whatever the hell that means.

We're only seeing each other in person but he has been chatting to a few people according to him. I've been talking to one other person other than him but he's still my first priority so I'm confused on why he's so into Tinder.

I downloaded it myself, I just think it's fun to see my matches. Talking to other people? I don't care too much about it. Is Tinder just for the ego boost, to see how many people like you, what is the point of it and what could possibly be the reason why he's still using it?

I had to research Tinder as I hadn't heard of it.
I will list a link to a review with pros and cons of Tinder. The one that stuck out at me is the following:
Low investment – if you only want to hook-up, very appealing platform. No money to spend and very accessible

I saw that there are no profiles filled out as in other dating websites. So I suppose the big question is why are you dating. What are you hoping to find? If it is just 'hook-ups', to me that doesnt sound like something that involves wanting to get to know someone in depth, more just surface level, and a way to find sex partners.

For people who want to find a long term partner to love and be loved back by with commitment, the less a guy has to do, the less he is serious about finding a female to fall in love with and have a commitment with just dating or some guy who is looking for a gal to marry. When I was using dating sites, I wanted the ones with guidelines for putting in your profile. The guys who didn't bother to fill it out always proved to be not serious about finding someone to love, they were bored and doing something new for fun, or wanting to find free sex. If you are diligent and street wise on how to use a dating site as a tool, you can find someone on a free site but the men who are serious are found in greater numbers on the paying dating sites like Match.com

I would say this male friend is just that...a male friend and doesnt consider himself your boyfriend. He wants to date to find someone that interests him, eluding to the fact by saying he wont put all eggs in one basket. THhat means he wants to keep all options open to talk to and date any girl he comes across that catches his eye. He is at least being upfront about it now if he wasnt before. There's actually nothing wrong with that if the person who wants to meet you knows that you will meet them but that you are not commiting to one relationship right now, that you are dating around to meet as many different people as possible until you find the one you click with best and want to be with long term.
I was doing that when I was dating to find a long term dating partner and I found a husband.

You have a point that tinder may give a person an ego boost to see how many people like you. Since theres no profile, and sometimes no pics, theres very little to like a person on so it in fact becomes meaningless. ...just as how many 'likes' someone gets on something they posted on facebook. It doesnt make a person more popular.
He may be more into the looks of a person than their character and personality traits because the app doesnt really allow for that. I do find it important to be attracted to a partners looks but if people are going for looks over personality, chances are they dont care about the personality.
My advice would be to figure out first exactly what it is you are looking for from a guy. Just someone to hang out with socially, expecting him to be exclusive with you, sex or not, until whatever time you both decide to part ways, or are you looking for someone to date long term?
If you want a man who is committed totally to you and you're all he wants, then theres a learning curve ahead of you.

You probably arent ready and at the point to date to commit to just one guy yet or expect it from him. You need to date around those who are your top choices but be open about that. Let the guys know you are dating to discover what you like and dont like about a person. You still need to figure out what qualities you admire, want and must have in a guy, and what things are a deal breaker, what traits you won't tolerate in a guy. The best way to learn this is by dating several different people and making comparisons.
This action puts the guys who are serious about finding a girlfriend to love, in a spot of having to prove themselves to you and on their best behavior and hoping that you will pick them. Most males are actually okay with this if they are aware up front beforehand. Before going out. Not during first date. Be clear on that. This way you are sitting around wondering about if the guy is thinking of you or checking out other girls because you are being pro-active and doing the research to find yourself the best guy for you. It puts them on the level of having to compete among each other to be the one to win you. I actually had one guy at the end of a coffee date say to me, "Please pick me Darla, please pick me!" I was so turned off by how desperate he sounded. Guys get turned off by desperate girls...the ones who drop all other dating prospects and wait around keeping their schedules open in hopes he will want to spend time with her. This guy may be actually serious about finding a girl. At 2 months of dates though, depending on how many dates and how in depth you both got to talk and discover things about each other, it is likely not enough to have much of a solid idea of who the other person is. So he may be a nice guy, but as long as he knows you're waitng around for him and not out dating other guys to find the Mr. Right, he won't have a chance to ever feel that he might lose you and get serious about a relationship. Dating others doesnt mean you might lose the best guy ever. You just may not have met the best guy ever yet. But you won't know if the current guy is it or not until you actual seriously consider dates with other guys and really put time into learning about them, what they are like which can only be learned by spending more time with a guy. This means when one guy calls like your 'Tinder' guy calls and wants to go out tomorrow night with you, you might have to say "Oh, I'm sorry, Im going out dancing with Jeff tomorrow. Maybe next weekend?" Dont make up a lie to fool him into thinking you are going out with someone though. If he finds another date and shows up at the same club or restaurant you're at, he will see that you are actually out with someone else. So he has to be honest as to what you mean to him, just a fling or something more. I hope this explains more about reasons for dating. I suggest you make up an actual list of what you are looking for in a guy. There should be two columns...and just add to them as the thought comes to you. One is labeled Needs and the other Wants.
A need is a must have. If the guy doesnt have this, its a deal breaker and you wont consider him at all. Example, a girl grew up with a verbally abusive father so anyone who loses their temper or raises their voice freaks her out easily. So she must have a guy who is always calm and never raises his voice to her. If he ever does, that ends the relationship and she breaks it off.
A want is something like the icing on a cake. It is something that would be nice but not necessary. Under this list I put down that I would like a guy who loved to sing, dance, had long hair. I got the long hair but he doesnt sing or dance. He has slight autism that interferes with his being able to do so without going nuts. But just because I can never go dancing with him, it didn't mean I would pass him over...thats something I could live without but be nice if I had.
Once you have a better picture of what you are looking for in a man, it'll be a bit easier to find Mr. Right. But even so, you'll still have to meet a lot of frogs.

[view]

That was so helpful. I loved when you said who cares what anyone else thinks. It makes sense.

So I did end up making plans and we're going out tonight.
My friend and her bf were going bowling and she asked if I wanted to come. So I said yeah and decided that maybe this would be a good opportunity to invite him to come with me. Plus, I wouldn't want to be a third wheel.
So tonight we're going bowling! Then hopefully getting dinner afterward.

I thought it would make it more of hanging out and enjoying each other company rather than an actual date and all the pressure and all that.

Especially since I think he's interested in me, but I'm not sure. He did give me his number and told me to text him so I thought that was a good sign. But the texting conversation was very boring. Like sometimes we'd talk about interesting things but the rest was kinda boring. I think he just might be one of those guys who aren't into texting though.

I'm a little nervous about tonight but I'm so glad I asked and that he wants to go.

I just wanted to say thank you. Any extra advice on what to do and what not to do?

Hooray! I'm excited for you.

Last bit of advice, just be yourself. Too many people get nervous, think they aren't special enough just as they are and pretend to be someone they are not. the real problem is if the other person falls for your false identity which is hard to keep up indefinitely so eventually the real you breaks through and who knows what could happen then.
This is really only a problem if the girl pretends for example to be a big sports fan when she actually hates it, pretends to like dogs cus he has one but you're terrified of it, you get the picture.

Yes, many guys don't like texting or get bored with it cus they are visual people. Guys sometimes don't even relate well to phone calls. But being in person they have the added visual aids of the girls facial expressions, tone of voice, body language and such to make things interesting and get involved in the conversation.
Good luck.

[view]

I'm Male, 19 years old. I've been with my girlfriend for almost 16 months. We're both virgins. Lately, since I started working, I've had the temptation to just go out and cheat. I'm always super horny and fantasizing about doing stuff with other girls. I love my girlfriend and I feel super guilty for wanting to cheat. We never really do anything besides kiss. I don't want to pressure her into doing anything she doesn't want, and I don't pressure her. But she'll do stuff that hints that she wants to do something, then doesn't do it. Like sometimes we'll be sitting and she'll grab me and/or stroke me for a few seconds then stop. Sometimes she'll put my hand on her crotch so I could rub, but we never go any further. I work at a busy place in nyc, so I'm always seeing and meeting nice attractive girls. I always fantasize on my train commute too. Like everyday. Sometimes I even wonder about calling an escort, but I don't want to mess up.

If your girlfriend is at least 18, then you are both adults and there is no reason why you both can't have sex if the two of you are sexually attracted to each other. Girls get just as horny as guys do. So when one doesn't have a partner, girls do the same as guys, they masturbate.

If both of you are virgins and wanting to experience sex for the first time, first times are not as spectacular as one may think because after all, we're just starting, we don't have any experience yet in how to please our partner. Plus every new partner is another learning experience because each person is unique and different. It doesnt take any practice or studying to put a dick in a vagina. Heck as toddlers we had toys with shapes like squares, triangles and circles. It was quite easy to see that a circle didn't fit into a square hole.
So if you were to begin a practice of running off to find some one night stands, all that would be accomplished is you getting your release because if you have a new partner each time like with an escort or someone you pay for sex, there\s a good chance the female isn't getting her needs met...cus it takes a lot more than just having a dick inside a female to get one off because as I said, we are all unique but all women need lots of specialized foreplay to be ready. Were you aware thats its healthier for a female to have several orgasms already before you enter her so that the urethra to bladder has clamped shut from orgasm and any germs that could be forced up the urethra to cause bladder infections with the motion of the man inside her, can be prevented.

If you love your girlfriend, then the best thing you can do for your relationship is learn how to have real meaningful conversation. Dont ask, can we have sex tonight but ask her if she gets horny alot and ask what she's been doing to take care of it. Ask her if she feels ready to start exploring sexually and if you are the person she wants to do that with. Ask her if she'd like to read some books together with you or check out some videos on line you tube, to study up on the physiology of each others sexual parts, what happens and how a female is brought to orgasm, clitoral, g-spot or A spot. If she doesn't understand what her body is capable of or what to expect, she may never have a g-spot orgasm. I know, this is sounding too overwhelming. It doesn't all have to happen the first time but thats why it is important that you have just the one partner and it be someone you have feelings of love for, not someone you are using to release sexual tension. Having a partner is a much better and satisfying experience if you have the right person. Fantasizing is okay but the two of you need to talk. If you are waiting for her to make the first move, guess what, she already has by placing your hand on her crotch. As to how far she's willing to go, if she wants you to touch her without panties on, finger the clit or try to find her g spot, etc...that all needs to be discussed. She may not have gone to get any birth control yet because the two of you havent decided together to become sexually active. So she doesnt see the need yet. But you both need to discuss that too. She can go to Planned parenthood and get put on the pill but you both need to know some things about the pill, how its taken, when it is effect, and what things might make it less effective like being on anti biotics.
You'll need to wear a condom to protect against STD's even if the two of you haven't been sexually active before. So talk about the subject and decide what you both are comfortable with and then get prepared ahead of time with the birth control thing.

[view]

i im 25 i live with my 2 other brothers i had a real sluty sis and she had a kid but she died 6 years ago but this kid is so weird i mean like what kind of a 7 year old dosent like disney land ? and then shes really seilent and wont really open up to us i love her alot but did i go wrong some where ? ive never spanked her (shes never done any really bad) and sometimes we see her crying outside when we cheer her up she crys evan harder and she has nightmares at night and crawls into maxs bed but when we ask whats wrong she runs off what should i do'

Even if your niece was a year old when her mom (your sister) died, it can still have psychological effects on a person even that young. She may not remember her mom nor miss her. Her conscious mind may not know. But our subconscious minds pick up a lot of information, our subconscious is also where are our emotions come from. So it is entirely possible that even though she was too young to be aware of losing her mom at the time, it had its effect. There is a special need a new born baby needs. It needs love and touch and being held and talked to a lot when it is young.
Studies were done in a University, a government paid program way back maybe in the 60's to discover why so many babies were dying. Adoption may not have been popular yet and There were more babies than adoptive couples, many were orphans. These babies were so many that they didn't get all the amount of individual touch and love even though all their needs were met, diapers changed, fed, clothed. But they still were dying. The subconscious mind picks up things even at that young an age. Here's another example. My husband is a highly functioning autistic. It means he can function well in society but there are still times when he gets an overload of sensory input. As a newborn and the first child to his parents, the intensity of his mom's love for him was too much when held by her, it was painful and hurt him inside and he would scream and scream until someone else held him, anyone could even dad. But this is just an example that at such a young age, other than my husband, babies know their mothers love, they were carried by her for 9 months before birth, know the sound of her voice and her love and touch feels different than anyone elses. Neither you nor I are professionals in psychology. No matter how much love and attention you or the uncles give her, she is going to have issues and will not even know why she has it. All I can suggest is that you get her to a counselor. There are counselors that specialize in working with children. So, no you are not doing anything wrong and likely there is nothing you can do that would help much.

[view]

19/f

It worked! I asked him what he was doing this weekend and he said nothing at all because most of his friends have girlfriends and they don't hang out as often. Then he asked my what my plans were. I told him the same thing and they he said that we should go out some time.

He told me he's not usually busy. But I just told him to let me know when. Then he said I could just let him know. I said it was up to him.
Anyways, I have no idea if those plans of hanging out will ever fall through because we never set a date.

How do I fix this? I don't want to come on too strong or eager to hang out with him. I haven't seen him in a month and at work we only talked a little bit, he would just tease me a lot and make jokes.
So how to I pick a day and something to do without seeming too eager to hang out?
I don't want to scare him off.

Hon, you cant scare him off because he is interested in you, he really likes you. When a guy makes it a point to tease a girl a lot an make jokes its because he is hoping to win her interest in him as well.

Haha, it looks like neither of you wanted to look like you were coming on strong so both of you kept shoving the choice at each other to make the first move and plan something for this weekend.
"Its up to you....no its up to you, no I am really okay with you picking something, no I insist, you let me know when you're ready."

So what do you want to fix, the fact that you don't have a date with him yet? He wants you to pick the time, day and what you will do. So think about something you could do. If the weather is good ,bike or drive to a picnic spot suggest a hike or nature walk if there are any in your area. If you arent into outdoorsy things, visiting a museum, bowling lanes or some other sort of indoor place, even movies but theres no chance for good conversation with that.

When one event ends, if you're enjoying the time together, say something like, "Gosh, I am enjoying myself so much I don't want our time together to end yet. So what would you like to do next? No wishy washy stuff girl! Just make another suggestion or tell him its his turn to pick and after that its your turn again. Maybe you can end up having dinner together too, make a whole day of it. I've done that before, theres nothing wrong with it. Everyone worries so much about seeming too eager. But thats a good thing. Two people will know if they are enjoying each other. I haven't come across any book of etiquette regarding dating that says one must not be too eager. Life is short...why worry about coming on too strong.

What you are likely thinking about is a female acting desperate for attention and constantly calling, texting or showing up at the guys door, never allowing him to have his own man cave time, or time for other priorities in life, job, family, friends. A female like that sends a message that she doesnt have a life of her own. But to be afraid of coming off like that and limiting yourself to one call a week or less is really silly, especially if you like each other. My 2nd husband and I met on a dating site. He wrote me, I wrote back same day. We met during his driving route 2 days later, just before I had to go to work. talked for an hour, then back to work and we called each other that night and each night talking for hours until the cell phones went dead, then met on the weekend, spent all weekend together. In a month I was moving in with him and then we got married. When you find the right person, why with hold yourself from each other. Its not necessary...cus who cares what anybody else thinks! If you both like each other enough to want to spend lots of time together, then do it. You're both adults. If the time comes that you want to be sexual too, then do so...there's no preliminary wait time for that either. Hope this helps a bit. Let me know how it goes!

[view]

plz answer hiw ny sister start loving mi so much what should i do pl asn

I will also mention that if its important enough to you to have an answer with your question and for some reason its difficult for you to put it in writing (like learning disability or English as 2nd language), perhaps you can get a trusted friend to help write it for you.

Don't be embarrassed to share in more detail what your question is. We have seen any topic and situation you can imagine and nothing has surprised us yet. You may have feelings of whether something is right or wrong or feel you may be judged for asking but don't let that hold you back from getting an answer to whatever is on your mind. We try to be helpful here without letting any bias get in the way.

[view]

I have always been told masturbation was bad but I always here adults say yeah I used to masturbate to and I turned out fine I don't know what to belive

Adviceman shared everything I would have said. I will only say I grew up in church and that is where the strongest message against masturbation came from. If elders were questioned as to why it's bad, they really couldn't give a good enough logical answer. If you questioned anything you were taught in church if it didn't make sense, you were told not to question it. So if your family has a strong church background, you're not going to get support from there that it is okay to engage in masturbation. Some people even not in religious circles but from what they may have picked up in society in general or from the era they grew up in, may have formed the idea that it is wrong, never questioned that and automatically pass that thought form onto their kids.
Every faith and belief out there including Christianity has some things right and have misunderstood or misinterpreted on others. As you grow into an adult, you will need to learn how to decipher what is practical good advice or morals or guidelines for life to live by or not. Some ideas out there have very little basis in reality. Never assume anything but read books or get on the net on any topic you are not sure or confused about conflicting answers or interpretations of and do the research yourself. So I am glad you came here to ask. Your parents are going to do the best they know how, even if some of their ideas and concepts are outdated or they have misinformation. Don't hold this against them. Just decide for yourself privately what it is you believe is right for you. If a person is applying the 'Golden rule' in their life then its likely you won't go wrong. I do like the Wiccan interpretation of that rule, "If it harms no one, then do as you will". This would mean if any action you intend to take will not harm yourself nor anyone else either intentionally or unintentionally, then there is nothing wrong with it. Keep that in mind in life.

[view]

19/f

I've asked you questions about online dating before..

Well this guy I worked with, I had a small crush on him. He's the same age as me. He quit and now works somewhere else so I don't see him anymore.
Although we are friends on Facebook and we've talked a little bit on there. A few times he joked around saying that I'll miss him and I'm like, "Yeaahh sure" And he's like, "You don't have to lie if you want to hang out"
Anyways, our conversations usually end and get boring after a little while.

So I was on the dating site and he came across on mine haha and yeah it was really weird and a little awkward because I clicked, "Yes" or whatever on him. Then it notifies him and then he clicked it back so he messaged me saying, "Quick liking me nerd"
Anyways, we talked a little on there awhile ago just talking about the experiences so far on the site. Conversation ended up dying.

He messaged me today. So I feel like maybe he's interested in me at least a little bit. I'm shy I guess and I don't want to be the one to ask him to go out. I want to somehow get it across for him to ask me.
I know most people will say just go for it. In the end, if nothing else works, I'll try.

So do you have any advice to keep conversations going? And anyway to get him to ask me to hang out one of these days?

Well it may sound kinda obvious but if talking during the week about the upcoming weekend you could say, It's supposed to be really nice this weekend. But I dont have any plans at all to take advantage of it. I think I'll just end up stuck at home cus I don't have any plans or anyone to hang out with. How about you, what are your plans this weekend?" This little speech tells him you are available and you are giving him a chance to pick up on that and invite you to do something with him or if he is truly busy, he will probably tell you what is on his schedule.

If your conversations end too quickly on line, thats one thing...some people dont do as well conversing on line as they do face to face. But if you have the same problem in person you might want to look closer at that. It may be simply something to do with your being shy, an introvert. But it also may hint at a possibility that the two of you have little in common and some but not enough chemistry.
I did the dating roun like attending a friends weddingsds before meeting 2nd husband on dating site. I met many guys for coffee who were able to type a message to me but when we met in person which to me is what counts, the guy wouldn't talk at all. I'd ask a question, he shrugged, or nodded yes or no or gave a one two or three word answer. He didn't start any topic. I was the only one talking. Then there were others where we each shared a little about ourselves and what our hobbies are, and what things catch our interest, etc... and once that was done, there were no current day topics that we could talk about, the conversation died.

I will say it is good if two people can find they feel comfortable with just being together, the silence of no conversation not feeling awkward...but if it feels as uncomfortable as nothing to talk about or what you talk about is boring, you may just be with the wrong person for you. Keep that in mind but dont go jumping to conclusions...give it some time and see how it goes. If nothing improves, it may be either you needing to gain more skills in relating to people or he is the wrong guy, no matter that you see a couple things you like about him. Better to look for those qualities you like in a guy you can converse with, feel comfortable sharing all sorts of things with, because that helps to build trust in a relationship over time with being able to share your deepest thoughts and feelings and feel safe and understood and supported and upheld.

With someone I've just met, I'll ask questions as to what things he likes, his interests, hobbies, etc. Then ask questions that will help reveal a bit about him emotionally: what makes him happy, what he doesn't like, does he have a greatest fear? Does he ever get angry and what does he get angry about. When you ask questions and are truly listening to what he says...listen for a phrase or key words that bring a memory or experience of your own whether related or not to his story and share that immediately as he finishes answering.
This is what makes the most natural conversation.

Example: He says When I was a kid, being an only child I guess I got more attention than I felt comfortable with. But what really bothered me is mom buying all these 'cute' boy outfits and having her friends over and presenting me to them in these outfits, changing me and showing off the next, I hated the stares and the comments and it made me feel uncomfortable. She made most those outfits for me herself so I understand why she felt proud of them but she wasn't considering my feelings. You respond with a comment to what he said and then say, "The part about your mom making those outfits reminds me of a story. When I was young whether regular dolls or barbies, mom prided herself with making all my doll clothes instead of buying them. What ticked me off is that when I asked her to make specific outfits like a nurses uniform or a witches costume for my doll, she never listened to my wishes. So finally to get back at her, I didn't put any clothes on my dolls, left them nude and just imagined the clothes I wanted on them and that bugged the heck out of her. He'll probably comment on something you said that reminds him of a story too or if he falls silent, ask the next question. Since he mentioned something about childhood, ask how childhood was for him, what his parents were like. It's a good thing to know if his dad was verbally abusive, the parents too busy working to ever give him attention so he felt neglected, etc...I hope you get the idea.
I gave detail in a imaginary conversation so you could see how I grasp at something a person shared to give me a story to share that fits in to the conversation. If in response to what he shared you said, that reminds me of my first day of school and how much i enjoyed making friends...it doesnt relate to anything he said. If instead of clothes, you pick up on feeling uncomfortable in a situation, then you could say, 'I know how it feels to be uncomfortable like that. My first day in kindergarten was a shock to me cus mom never told me what was going to happen, just walked with me to the school, we walked into this building and then into a room with other moms and lots of kids my age in it and then all of a sudden she said she was leaving and would come back later. I had no siblings, never played with a neighbor kid being on a busy street, and besides terrified was uncomfortable not knowing how to act with the other kids."

(that part is my true story of 1st day in school) but you see how to pick up on something said and use it for next thing you say.
If this doesnt help you, perhaps let me know what it is you have the most trouble with like sharing things about yourself, like not thinking its interesting enough or whatever.
Good luck dear.

[view]

Hi! So just this morning I dropped my contact on the floor of my bathroom and I picked it up and rubbed it with solution and put it in my eye. Could this give me an eye infection? What should I do if I drop my contact lens again? Thank you guys!

When a person wears contacts, there's always a very slight chance of getting an infection from practically anything out there. I have contacts and have dropped them on the sink counter or in the sink. If you think that area has less germs that the floor, think again. I was in a class for caregivers and shown what the bathroom sink and our hands looked like after we'd washed. Under black light, there were germs everywhere. We were all actually pretty horrified and grossed out.

If you clean and rinse your contact several times before putting it on you should be fine.

I tended to get infections sometimes more from my finger not being as clean as I thought, from pollen or dust that had some germs on them and got in my eye or from mascara and eye makeup, even the non allergenic good for contact wearers. Our mascara tubes harbor many germs from our own body/eyelids that will start to grow in the mascara tubes with continued use and at one point multiply enough to infect the eye should any makeup break off and enter the eye. THAT was my biggest culprit. I stopped wearing makeup totally and now its seldom I have an eye infection, usually only with a very bad head cold and that maybe once every 3/4 years.

[view]

Hi! :) I feel like I am ready for my very first pair of sexy high heeled shoes, but I am also afraid. You hear stories about people falling off their shoes and breaking their ankles or something like that? Can people who have worn them before please tell me everything I need to know about wearing heels before I buy the wrong kind or make some other mistake? Please?

Thank you!

Walking in high heels is a skill that one has to learn if you want to wear them. If going for the stilletto type where the support for the back of foot is on a surface the size of a dime or less, then thats not much to rely on and some women, like myself never learn how to walk on it without tottering like a drunk. This unstabilty combined perhaps with weak ankles and lower calf muscles could potentionally cause a wrenched or twisted ankle. However if you choose heels with a larger base and/or change in height, they will be better for you as far as walking goes.

Being that I am short to begin with, when the styles were in or offered, I chose shoes that had a bit of a platform already for the front part of the shoe, like an inch or two and then two more inches to the heel so that where my heel rested was actually 3 to 4 inches above the ground but the slope I had was not as pronounced so i didn't get sore feet. I could wear mine almost all day. I still prefer low heel pumps and depending on style, if you find you can't handle high heels, then stylish pumps are cute and sexy too.

The whole idea behind heels being sexy is that it visually somehow elongates your leg, making it appear your have longer legs and some men are attracted to legs as their particular sexual turn on whereas others look first at butts or boobs.
I know many many who weren't wanting heels to look sexy for the guys but simply in the business world, because it looks more clean and professional to be wearing pumps or dressy shoes of some sort without stilletto heels even if wearing pants.

I used to see a chiropracter. Thats where I learned that high heels are bad for your lower back. What happens it that the lower back has to compensate for your being tilted forward now and if thats worn majority of the time it can lead to back problems. Its worse if the female wearing heels is at an age where her body frame hasn't reached its mature adult size. We tend to still grow into our early twenties. Any heels before that could encourage your back to finish growing in an abnormal position and cause back problems later that a doctor may not be able to fix.

I like what the other advicegiver suggested. If you are going to experiment first before deciding on what you'll be sticking with, trying on the 2nd hand store finds is a better way to learn. Choose only ones that are new enough to not have the heels worn yet and clean the shoes.

[view]

Hi there,it's love choice again!!

I have been re-considering my trip with this young man.
You see,I have never been away from home before,and Im scared.I have a heavy feeling in my heart and gut.I dont know whether fear is coming to me and Im scared or what.
Im 25,I have never been away from my mom,especially in another state.IS this why my heaviness is setting in?
Wenever I see a video of my love or talk to him I get no heavy feelig at all.
Thank you all in advanced for being here for me!!

If you have a heavy feeling in your gut, it's telling you something is wrong. I cant tell you whether whats wrong is that you have seperation anxiety and need to make that break away to get past it, or whether it's because you love the guy but don't know him as well as you should to be considering a trip with him. Would you be able to handle yourself if sometime during the trip this guy took off and left you and you'd need to find your own way home for example.

I don't know if your parents did everything for you as you grew up and continued to do everything, or if you were taught to handle responsibilities involving independance that were age appropriate and grew and you did. If the parents never taught you to take on independance in little bits as you grew up, then that may be the problem, not having any confidence in your own ability to be an adult and make your own decisions because its all been done for you. In this case, its not that something psychologically may be wrong like a real anxiety problem but more of a learned way of living. What has been learned can be un-learned. You just need enough determination to be strong enough to stand on your own two feet, not lean on mom and definitely not trade mom in to begin leaning on a boyfriend/husband. It takes 2 strong people capable of standing on their own to make a healthy relationship. If you end up leaning on the boyfriend and he is doing everything for you now instead of mom, all you'll have done is trade one caretaker for another.

You have one good thing going for you, your age. At mid twenties is when the frontal part of our brain finally finishes growing and maturing. This part of the brain is important for making good decisions and able to see the possible consequences and able to make good friend choices, etc. Thats why teens struggle so much, their bodies have matured but the brain wasn't there yet. This is a good time for you to begin to make decisions for yourself, whether it takes you away from mom or to another state. You are going to be able to make good solid decisions at your age if you are paying attention, doing research and checking on things, and quickly recognizing when one path or choice was not as good a one as you thought and correcting that immediately. All adults make a choice that looks good until part way into it and then we see it is not. That's okay and part of our learning life long.
So how to make that first move? You have the heavy queasy feeling in your gut and anxieous feeling in your heart because you are indulging in too much thought about it. Overthinking it, its called. Our feelings and emotions are controlled by our subconscious mind if we aren't aware of that fact. Our conscious minds may see what we need to do but the same part of brain that controls things we don't really need to think about like breathing, where to place our next footstep and our dreams and daydreams is all the work of the subconscious mind. So if you give it free rein to continue to think about taking this trip, the more you allow your thoughts to focus on it, the more you will imagine all that can go wrong, good reasons for not going and caving in to your fears. No matter what age I have been, whenever i had a major decision to make, it was natural to have fears, its mostly fear of the change, the unknown...almost all people have that. We fare better acting like Hobbits and hanging out in the familiar of our Hobbit homes and community. But there is so much we are missing in life if we don't make a move.
Dont be concerned about feelings of nerves from doing something you haven't before but don't dwell on it either, just go through with any action instead of reviewing the whole scenerio in
your mind. The more you give grounds to your imagination regarding this, the more your subconscious mind will talk you out of it because after all, it's just a Hobbit at heart.

[view]

so my bf broke up with me nd at first we did keep talking but i also kept talking to one of his friends and then me and my now ex stoped talking for a few days and i got a text from his friends phone asking me out and i said no at 1st cuz i thought they had both planned this but he kept finding ways to keep me thinking then i get a txt from my exs phone saying that his friend was my 1st kiss and that my 1st kiss was a dare so i told him to shut up and he kept saying that but then out of nowhere he tells me it was him who was txting me from his friends phone so i called him names and stuff but then he tells me that my friend also his ex was a better gf than me and that he always wanted to kiss her but hardly ever wanted to kiss me and said he was going to tell his friend a really deep secret i told him he also said many other hurtfull thing and i dont know what i did to disreve this nd im 13

As I read your story, my first thought was that this sounded like middle school maturity level and then I finally got to the end to see that this is true. The guy you're talking about is immature for saying what he does and playing games like using his friends phone to trick you into accepting a date with another guy. Whether true or not, just saying he did so is enough to show his true character. He is not honest, is playing mental games with you, and inconsiderate for what he was saying.
But as I was hinting, pretty much at this age range, that comes with the territory. Girl mature mentally sometimes sooner than guys which makes it hard to find a nice guy to date but they are out there. Just ignore what he says and does. You know what the truth is. No one can convince you that you are anything other than who you are, or did whatever you're accused of, unless you are willing to believe them. There is no reason to hang out or give any of your time to people like him and his friend if the friend knowingly loaned him the phone and was in on the plan to call you and try to fool you. Best thing you can do to get this to stop and get them to leave you alone so you're free to move on and find other friends, is to stop responding, reacting to anything they say or do. If you call names back, get angry, then you are giving them the reaction they seek cus its all a game to them. If there is no reward for them of getting an emotional response from you...then they won't be having fun so after a few trys they'll eventually stop.

[view]

22/f, 27/m

I'm seeing a guy, we're not sure if we've exclusive or not, but he came over to my house for the first time and he met my parents. He slept over at my house. Yes, we do have an intimate relationship as well. The morning after, I showed him a big stuffed animal I had that was in my closet. I told him I had no idea where to put it. He jokingly said, "well, since you don't have a boyfriend, that means you can cuddle with that at night."

I laughed it off but it has been lingering in the back of my head for awhile. Was that him just saying he was considering me just as a fuck buddy? Was he trying to talk about being exclusive and that's the way he tried bringing it up? Or was that him just joking about it? We've been dating and talking for awhile. He told me he'd be upset if I was seeing other people and same vice-versa.

He's still talking to me everyday so I'm wondering what may have been the hidden message of what he said (if there was any).

Ouch!! That comment would've hurt me too. He could have said, "Well, you could cuddle up to that on the nights I am not with you." if he was wanting to make a joke and get you to laugh.
But since he used the words 'since you don't have a boyfriend' it would seem he doesnt consider himself a boyfriend. I can not say what is going on in his mind and why he feels that way. So there are several possible reasons for whats in his head and one is possibly the idea you came up with, a friend with benefits or fuck buddy. Guys don't play games to hint at something they want to talk about like girls do...they just come out and say it. So he wont be trying to find a way to talk about being exclusive if he wanted to do so, he'd just say it.

The two of you may be sharing lots of talk but the really important words that are going to help the relationship along are not being spoken by either of you. He told you he'd be upset if you were seeing other people. If he did not follow that up by volunteering to explain why, then how are you to know what he means by that. It could go either way, that you are special to him and he loves you but may have a hard time saying 'love' or he could be an insecure man who is easily jealous which he has no right to be if he hasn't talked about being exclusive. He may be terrible at getting his thoughts out of his head and heart and out into the open, there are men who are naturally more quiet, deep thinkers but not much on meaningful talk. However, if this guy doesnt want to bumble up things with you, he's going to have to be willing to talk about what is really important to communicate...assumptions don't work in relationships

[view]

im 12 and im monving again im depressed doing self harm ,im bullied reallyy bad like being shoved into lockers and beating me up bad ,also i feel like ive toren my famile apart and i just want this to stop and i dont know what to do !

I'll start with your last statement and work back.
I have no idea why you might feel that you are the cause of your family being torn apart. There are no details given as to why you believe that to be so with examples. It's the same like me telling you "I feel like I have caused my family to turn to crime." If you have no idea how I came to that conclusion in my mind, you won't be able to see whether there is a connection or not. I was once your age and so I know at that age, often our feelings are more of jumping to conclusions than being totally accurate. I'd need to know more to give any advice on this topic.

Next, thanks for the examples of what kind of bullying. Some think people making faces or frowning at them is bullying, so this helps. Being shoved or beat up should not be tolerated in school because it is not tolerated in regular society. If another person lays a hand on you with intent to hurt you physically, that is 'assault and battery' and can be something like hitting, taking a punch at someone, pulling hair, any type of physical harm to another person. Police are supposed to be called into a situation like this. However as rampant as bullying is, I think the schools like to have the chance to handle this themselves first to try and resolve it. So... This is something that needs to be reported to the people in authority in your life right now like your parents and school authorities. Your parents need to contact school authorities to hold these kids responsible. If the parents won't do it, or don't believe you, then you talk to the principle and if that doesnt help, then you yourself contact the police. Try to keep a record of on what days the incidents occured, who attacked you, their names and what exactly they did to you.

Lastly, being depressed because you are moving again, is understandable. Is the cutting making the depression go away? I doubt it. Maybe it distracts you for a short while, another pain to cancel out the first pain, that's like fighting fire with fire and has the potential to snowball out of control that technique is meant to gain and actually become a bigger blaze or for you a more complicated problem. So I dont think I need to tell you its not going to really help.

Because of your age, I must ask if you are going through puberty right now, starting your cycle. The reason being that these days, a good majority of teen girls have lots of female hormones already in their bodies from being absorbed in our toxic environment so when the same hormones are starting to be produced by your body, it becomes an overload of hormones which cause girls personalities to totally change, become mean and angry, violent and finally depressed. This can all be corrected by seeing a doctor . I have read a few reports on line. Society as a whole hasn't become too aware of this yet as it's not being reported in general media like TV, radio, newspaper/magazines. But it's very real, my two nieces one from each my sisters are experiencing these problems and begging to go see a doctor. They both are feeling depressed. Depression can be due to what's happening in ones life like having to move again, family problems, etc... but you have the choice as to how you will respond to this. Only problem is that at your age, the frontal part of the brain able to help you think thru situations and decisions and your feelings and response is not mature yet and won't be fully complete until your mid twenties. Its like that for every human being. So I am guessing that some girls who bully may be due to immature brain and not having been trained to not do so or go against what they have been told or their hormones could be responsible for their being out of control. Thinking back when I was your age, I knew many girls who were very mean and bitchy, there's lots fewer who seem to be calm in control and pleasant. I hope this gives you some understanding into your situation.

[view]

Hi,Its Love Choice girl again!
A few things have happened since yesterday.

I told my mother about seeing him,and she thinks I have lost it.
The pressing of faith has literally made me explode like a boiling teapot.Im so in love with this man,and hes such a part of my life! And for him to be gone forever is crimminal

My dad left the faith and my mom and family and I believe this part of why she doesnt want me to be with my guy.
Again,the Bible does state not to be unevenly yoked with a non-believer and not to intermarry religions.
I realize that,I had always felt strongly,that if 2 people love eachother and do worship and believe in the same God,it should be fine.I dont want to abadon my faith.
Im left with 3 choices

1.Stay with my love and keep my faith (Wich the Bible calls being lukewarm)

2. Let my love go and be misreable forever

3.Find someone else who does share in my faith who I believe is hard to find,and I know I couldn't love anyone like I love my baby

Im sorry to re-bring this up,my heart is breaking at the seams second by second.My love has done nothing wrong,except love me and treat me well.
Thank you!

Your last sentence is the most important thing to focus on "My love has done nothing wrong,except love me and treat me well."

There are many so called Christian men who do not treat their wives well at all. I was one of them, abused by my Christian husband verbally and emotionally.
I've found that there are bad apples in every belief on the planet but there are also very loving people who treat others as their sisters and brothers in God, no matter what they call God. That is what actually counts most! If God created all of us, then we are all family but most do not treat others as family.

I think God isn't as concerned as we are by what name we call him and what spiritual leaders we follow the example of. Jesus didn't want the glory, he just wanted us all to know His Father in heaven...it was always God the Father he was pointing us towards as if he was just the messenger like other religious icons, Buddha, Yogi's, etc....

Your parents did their best raising you by teaching you their beliefs. Not all children are going to believe exactly the same as their parents for the rest of their lives. Once you become an adult, which you are, it becomes your job to decide what it is you believe, what is critically important and what is not.

I remember visiting my sisters church one day and both she and I have moved on from our Christian belief to a more open accepting one of all the beliefs out there. She introduced me and then asked him about a previous issue he'd had concern about, some guy her daughter was dating and there was talk of marriage. All I remember is the young man was middle eastern of descent and not a Christian. The Pastor said he was concerned that the man was not Christian and was thinking of forbiding her (an adult daughter) from marrying the man. My sister quickly spoke up and said, "If it comes down to deciding between these two options, which one would you choose, a non Christian man who treats your daughter wonderful or a Christian man who abuses her every day, which would you choose? The Pastor didn't have to think hard, for his answer was immediate...the man who treats her well. Then she asked, does he treat her well? Yes he is a wonderful man and I admire him, he has so many wonderful qualities. Then we could see the change on his face as he realized that religion was the least of the concerns when it comes down to who his daughter would marry. He admitted my sister was right. As a Pastor he was taught the 'unequal yoked' belief as something to avoid. But as a daddy, that paled in comparison when it came to how the two supposed men would treat his daughter. As a human daddy, he was wanting exactly the same thing for his daughter that God wants for all of us. I spoke up and supported what my sister said and then told my story. I was living with my sister because I had recently left an abusive Christian husband.

I think the real issue here is wanting your familys blessing more than Gods. Their blessing you may not get. You can not change what they believe. As you well know, that's the Holy Spirit's job to work inside each person. They also have free choice and there is no time line God gives us in which he wants us to achieve things. So worst case scenerio, they never approve and keep distant. But time has a way of working on stubborn people and their love for you will likely draw them near or perhaps when there are grandchildren/nieces-nephews their hearts will soften.

Your biggest issue will really be what spiritual examples you both are for your children and what you will train them in as far as a faith/belief. I don't believe it has to be only Christian or only Jewish, but perhaps a little of both, the good of each one, perhaps a more open spiritual belief that trains them how to study the beliefs for themselves and decide for themselves which parts of what's taught do measure up with Gods degree of Love your neighbor and what does not.

I personally believe the teaching of being 'lukewarm' or 'unequally yoked' in marriage is one of those doctrines that is useless and drags our attention away from what is really GOD's core important things for us to being living.
I can't tell you what to pick but choice #1,2 and 3 all are based on what 'your faith' is.
So I advise you before choosing one of those, to be sure that what you say is 'your faith' is truly your faith and not your parents faith that you are choosing to blindly continue to follow or because it's comfortable and familiar. You are at a point in life where you can no longer just follow what has been taught to you as a child growing up. Time has come to you do some soul searching and going to God for guidance and seeking exactly what spiritual path and belief is where your heart and mind are at and then follow that path. If any path that a person is on is not exactly like yours or your parents, it doesn't mean they are lost, lukewarm or going to hell. Hell, damnation, salvation, are pretty much solely parts of the Christian belief and I have now read enough to understand how those beliefs came to be and it was not something God was telling us but in early Christianity, something the religious spiritual leaders put into effect during a time when people did not have bibles, know how to read or the bible hadn't been translated into our common languages yet. It was easy to reflect the Bible to say what leaders wanted so as to gain control of more of the populace. Much original scripture was left out if it contradicted their new doctrines and other stuff was added in. Since you and I were not alive at the time this was happening and high enough in importance to be a witness to this, we can't even say that story is true. But just what if there is no hell, and there is reincarnation instead? If that were true, then it wouldn't matter what faith system a man followed, as long as they were growing spiritually with each one, learning to recognize their Divine creators as their Mother and Father God, (mother being the Holy Spirit-female in ancient texts and early Christianity before leaders changed the bible.)
And once realizing where they fit as a child of Mother-Father God, then recognizing and treating every human alive as they would, their blood sisters and brothers.
I hope this helps you dear to figure out what you will do. If you need to talk more or something I've mentioned has raised questions, feel free to write my column.

[view]

Basically she has asked me to help her by going through her clothing and removing anything that is not Modest. But I do not really know what I should be looking for in this regard but I do seriously want to help her.
I have broken down into categories but would like to know what I should be looking at or removing with modesty in mind

Dresses
Tops and Blouses
Skirts
Shorts
Jeans and Trousers
Lingerie/Underwear
Swimwear

I would really appreciate any thoughts, Ideas
or advice on this


I agree that it may be helpful to know why she all of a sudden believes this to be an issue if she's never brought up the subject of what she looks like in her clothes before.

I think that asking a boyfriend, or any male for that matter is definitely odd. It depends on the man. But depending on how volumptous a body a female has, men could find her sexy, instead of modest no matter what she is wearing. If the object of this change of wardrobe is to ensure that no man will look at her as a sex object, it's a losing battle. Lets put it this way, men who have raped women have done so to women who were dressed averagely, modestly. The women were not flaunting anything, so how she dresses should be what she is comfortable with, no matter what kind of body she has and no matter what any man alive might be thinking or how they are seeing her.

You can help her best by asking her to think of any females she knows with similar body types whose wardrobe she admires and ask them for help. You could follow any suggestions we might give and still in her mind she might find it not right for her because of what reason she has for wanting to remove certain clothing to no longer wear.

Body shape and contour will affect how an article of clothes looks on a female.

Perhaps she wants a more 'professional' look to aid in finding a job or a new job.
Perhaps she's recently joined a church that stresses women must dress modestly. In that case, I have experience with that area. They don't give you clear guidelines and you only hear disapproval when wearing something. An example, Memorial day church picnic at a lake and the unwed young women wear okay to wear full piece and two piece bathing suits. However the married women if not overweight but trim in looks as myself wore a bathing suit, I was reprimanded, and told it was not modest. The suggestion then was to wear an extra long man's size t-shirt to cover what I was wearing. It was ludicrous because the moment the women who wore the t-shirts came out of the water with now wet tshirts clinging over their bikini clad bodies, it was the same effect as the erotic wet t-shirt contests in some cases depending on how padded the bra tops were.

In general, from those days in church, I found the obsession to be more about how much skin was showing or how much the shape of a womens body is shown off even if no skin is showing. Smaller slender women can hide body shape beneath mumu's, caftens, gowns like choir gowns or the garb of some middle east countries wear the women are totally covered including hair and sometimes faces too.
I never ever chose to pick what I wore by the opinions of others regarding what is modest or even looks good on a person. Colors and cut of clothes are more important in looking your best and feeling good in what you wear. Learning to grow a tough hide and not be bothered by what other people think of you is important.

One more example before I end this, in high school, one of my daughters not big in chest but bigger than most her friends, asked me one day if the top she'd worn that day to school was too revealing, showing too much cleavage. Her friends who all attended churches told her she was showing too much cleavage. I was astounded...I helped pick out the top because it was NOT revealing. The scoop of the top never came anywhere near the edges of her bra. She looked decent, not like a hooker trying to advertise her wares for sale. People can go way overboard if trying to please others.

I would ask the girlfriend if someone mentioned that something she wore was not modest. How does she feel about her warddrobe and why does she think some pieces need to go? And I'd steer her in the direction of asking advice from a woman she knows whom she admires already for how the woman dresses.

[view]

My boyfriend and I have been together 8 months. We just recently moved in together I have 2 children I had to move I was living in a one room apartment with my two kids in a house with a ton of people. I loved that way for a year and finally just couldn't take it. We got a place we've fought a lot about dumb stuff I've had a really hard time life wise for the last 5 years my husband took off I divorced now. We'll while moving together his truck loads were like half full. We spent over 2 hours putting a bed together I put the bed together he held the pieces up if I asked him to make sure something was tight he had no idea what he was doing at all. He couldn't put one screw together I'm really annoyed we still have two more beds two more dressers and a kitchen table to put together... am I wrong for being annoyed. I feel awful but Idk

No, it's not wrong to feel annoyed. A woman with two kids should be able to feel that whoever is her partner is putting in half the effort in the relationship and in and around the house. Maybe it sounds like stereo typing but in general more males are handy with fix it jobs and females with nurturing and cooking and raising kids. Most women are as great as guys when it comes to using tools and doing some assembly. I would think that just about anyone can use a hammer and hit a nail or use a screw driver. So it seems odd to me he couldn't even handle a screwdriver and simple bed assembly.
Perhaps his parents always did everything for him and he has no clue how to be an adult and take care of all his own needs let alone put in his part, taking care of his lady. You had a bad experience with the first guy in your life. That doesnt mean you have to settle for less the 2nd time around. It's not your lot in life unless you choose to make it so.
If this guy has many other rewarding characteristics and "assembly" is not included in who he is, if thats all that is wrong, then its up to you to decide if that is going to become a deal breaker in the long run or if you can live with it. Good luck dear.

[view]

I just got out of high school, but for five years up until almost the end of my senior year, me and this girl Carrie were best friends. We never hung out at each other's houses, we were just best friends at school and almost always had all of our classes together. She had a lot of problems with many old boyfriends since she was very young, and a tough home life. She was basically on her own since she was 13, her parents weren't too supportive. We stopped being friends because she did something to me, and then thought I was talking bad about her which I never would have done. She didn't believe me so I decided I didn't need someone like her in my life. The friendship was basically one sided anyways, she would tell me her problems and I would listen and give advice. I would give her rides everywhere because her parents wouldn't let her have her license. Anywho, after we stopped being friends I was pretty happy, but I would always see her staring at me and I've heard her talking about me multiple times. She hated me. And after this I started to not like her too. We worked in the same place, and she would take every chance to make me do dirty work or just try and take advantage of me. I quit that job because of my own problems at home and continued on with my life. I started talking to a boy, I had been friends with him ever since grade school, but we never talked much until now and realized we had so much in common. We started dating and I then found out that he had dated Carrie years ago before me and her were best friends. I was alright with that, things happen. I know that he is in love with me, and she has had about four boyfriends since him and is currently with someone, so she would have no reason to still talk to him. Well he has always given her rides to school since they live kind of close, not too often though. He started doing it less and less now that we started dating. He never asked what happened between me and her, but I would talk to him crying about what she did to me at school that day. He knows she hates me and that I don't like her. My boyfriend and Carrie both have jobs, and the buildings are near each other. Today I was visiting my boyfriend during his break and we were looking at funny pictures on his phone. A text pops up at the top and it's from Carrie. He seems to ignore it and starts laughing at the funny pictures. I however got instantly sick to my stomach seeing her name on his phone. I got silent. I didn't know that they were talking to each other. I know the message wasn't dirty or anything, but that was only one text, and the point is they are talking to each other. I pretended like nothing was wrong. I drove home crying, because I'm on my period and I'm super emotional. I was thinking if stuff I wish I could have said when I saw that text. "oh aren't you going to respond to her?" "That's weird I didn't know you guys were that close"
Now, I tell him everything. And I feel like he keeps information from me about his past. I am a virgin and I have told him that, but he hasn't told me if he was or not, and that was his only other girlfriend. Me and him have been together for five months. I just don't know what to do, knowing that they talk to each other.
Me and him are always sending funny pictures to each other. When I got home I send him a picture that said "when you see someone else text bae" and there was a series of crying faces, which could be comical, but not to me since I felt that and had been crying. He texted back and said "lol I hate the word bae" I responded "ok sorry." And he hasn't texted back since.
I'm pretty sad, I just need some advice about this.

You mentioned Carries home life and how crummy it was since she was 13, having to basically raise herself. It was probably terrible long before then and who knows what kind of example she had for parents of what a healthy relationship is like. She probably had no clue and thats why she ran thru relationships so often with guys and what you think was her 'hating' you was actually her being envious and wishing she was you and could have had a better life. Sounds like she was a kid who would have readily accepted any love and nurturing that a girlfriends mom may have given her since something was lacking in her life. We can't change the fact that a person we know has bad parents but we can offer them adopted family, those heart connections to people who are not blood, but welcomed into the family and loved and cared about the same as blood relatives. I don't know if she'll find that ever. All I can say is it might be a good thing to not think of her as an enemy, not in the far past, recent past or even with the boyfriend. If he really liked her enough to date, he'd still be doing it. Females with emotional problems, lack of self confidence, are usually not dating for long cus guys are not attracted to that.
If he is in touch with her, it may be because he is one of only a few people she knows where she can get any emotional support, a friendly listening ear from someone who cares. If your boyfriend is being that kind of contact for her, then you have yourself a wonderful young man. My husband is like that. He adopts people as family. When his relationship ended on friendly terms with his ex, he kept in touch as he was her only emotional support being she had no family, growing up an orphan and adopted into a family that abused her. There are many family he calls 'honey' or 'dear' because he cares and loves them as he'd love his mom or sister but he most certainly doesn't have the kind of love to be in a dating/marriage relationship with. I know what's what because we both talk in detail about the people he considers family.
Yes, we all often can think of things we could have asked at the moment. I've done that a lot. There's no reason you can't bring it up later.
I do that often. If you're going to attempt this, make sure you are calm and not feeling threatened or jealous. He'll pick up on it and shut down and not share for worry of your reactions.

Next time you see him, try starting with "Hey I've been thinking about the other day when Cassie texted you. Does she keep in contact often? I know you're not dating her. I just want you to know it's ok with me if you're helping give her someone to talk to when she's lonely or needs emotional support. And if you ever want to talk with me about it, I wouldn't mind."

He is not going to feel he has to defend himself from nothing he's done wrong and so if he needs someone to share his burdon with of what he is dealing with concerning Cassie, he may likely turn to you and share. Perhaps she is just bugging him and he doesnt like it but answers just cus he is nice. Or perhaps he doesnt mind and in fact would love your help in being a team to reach out and let Cassie know someone truly cares. Good luck!

[view]

and the more i reserve myself, the nicer they are to me, cause they assume i'm "depressed"? it's so fucking annoying. i feel like i'd be a much better parent cause i'd always try to show my kid positivity. a parent shouldn't be making their already insecure kid more insecure. i mean, they've known me my whole life. they know how i became how i became. there's just a lot, and it's just frustrating me and clearly i have issues or i wouldn't be asking strangers for help on the internet. sometimes i just want to abstain from talking completely just cause my parents don't often make conversations enjoyable, when they should. i want family time to be more enjoyable. i hate hearing my parents argue over stuff, too, it just gets to me and i have to play music loud to drown it out. i'm too old for this shit. i just graduated high school, but i need a car. and i can't work til i have a car, cause my neighborhood is isolated. i just don't want another shit summer before university.

When you open up to your parents, I assume it means you are communicating with them on a level you didn't before. As to what you are sharing, if its asking for their opinion, advice or help with tough situations you find yourself in and the reason they are fighting so often is that they have plenty issues of their own stressing them out, it may feel overwhelming to them to be presented with any of your concerns or even just updates on what youve been up to. They can't focus on it if they are drowning in their own stuff. It isn't for you to bring up or even try to help fix your parents problelms. So if their problems right now are preventing them from mentally "being there" for you, you'll need to reach out to others. Do you have any other seeing a counselor people you could reach out to for help, support to help get going on getting a job? Perhaps there is an aunt, cousin or maybe even a friends family would take you in until you could find a job, save up and get your own place or an apt to share with someone. If you can pull off getting a person or family to stay with where the location is good for doing job access, then that would help you in the right direction. You could then easily take the bus or where ever you get a job find if there is a organized car pooling deal at the company. Then save up for your own car. I haven't any other ideas right now but if this one falls into place, it can solve all your problems except the one of your parents being so preoccupied with their own troubles to fail to focus on you. It's not right but not every parent does everything right 100% of the time. Good luck dear.

[view]

<<< Previous Advice Column
Next Advice Column >>>
eXTReMe Tracker