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Boyfriend is texting my ex best friend
I just got out of high school, but for five years up until almost the end of my senior year, me and this girl Carrie were best friends. We never hung out at each other's houses, we were just best friends at school and almost always had all of our classes together. She had a lot of problems with many old boyfriends since she was very young, and a tough home life. She was basically on her own since she was 13, her parents weren't too supportive. We stopped being friends because she did something to me, and then thought I was talking bad about her which I never would have done. She didn't believe me so I decided I didn't need someone like her in my life. The friendship was basically one sided anyways, she would tell me her problems and I would listen and give advice. I would give her rides everywhere because her parents wouldn't let her have her license. Anywho, after we stopped being friends I was pretty happy, but I would always see her staring at me and I've heard her talking about me multiple times. She hated me. And after this I started to not like her too. We worked in the same place, and she would take every chance to make me do dirty work or just try and take advantage of me. I quit that job because of my own problems at home and continued on with my life. I started talking to a boy, I had been friends with him ever since grade school, but we never talked much until now and realized we had so much in common. We started dating and I then found out that he had dated Carrie years ago before me and her were best friends. I was alright with that, things happen. I know that he is in love with me, and she has had about four boyfriends since him and is currently with someone, so she would have no reason to still talk to him. Well he has always given her rides to school since they live kind of close, not too often though. He started doing it less and less now that we started dating. He never asked what happened between me and her, but I would talk to him crying about what she did to me at school that day. He knows she hates me and that I don't like her. My boyfriend and Carrie both have jobs, and the buildings are near each other. Today I was visiting my boyfriend during his break and we were looking at funny pictures on his phone. A text pops up at the top and it's from Carrie. He seems to ignore it and starts laughing at the funny pictures. I however got instantly sick to my stomach seeing her name on his phone. I got silent. I didn't know that they were talking to each other. I know the message wasn't dirty or anything, but that was only one text, and the point is they are talking to each other. I pretended like nothing was wrong. I drove home crying, because I'm on my period and I'm super emotional. I was thinking if stuff I wish I could have said when I saw that text. "oh aren't you going to respond to her?" "That's weird I didn't know you guys were that close"
Now, I tell him everything. And I feel like he keeps information from me about his past. I am a virgin and I have told him that, but he hasn't told me if he was or not, and that was his only other girlfriend. Me and him have been together for five months. I just don't know what to do, knowing that they talk to each other.
Me and him are always sending funny pictures to each other. When I got home I send him a picture that said "when you see someone else text bae" and there was a series of crying faces, which could be comical, but not to me since I felt that and had been crying. He texted back and said "lol I hate the word bae" I responded "ok sorry." And he hasn't texted back since.
I'm pretty sad, I just need some advice about this.
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You mentioned Carries home life and how crummy it was since she was 13, having to basically raise herself. It was probably terrible long before then and who knows what kind of example she had for parents of what a healthy relationship is like. She probably had no clue and thats why she ran thru relationships so often with guys and what you think was her 'hating' you was actually her being envious and wishing she was you and could have had a better life. Sounds like she was a kid who would have readily accepted any love and nurturing that a girlfriends mom may have given her since something was lacking in her life. We can't change the fact that a person we know has bad parents but we can offer them adopted family, those heart connections to people who are not blood, but welcomed into the family and loved and cared about the same as blood relatives. I don't know if she'll find that ever. All I can say is it might be a good thing to not think of her as an enemy, not in the far past, recent past or even with the boyfriend. If he really liked her enough to date, he'd still be doing it. Females with emotional problems, lack of self confidence, are usually not dating for long cus guys are not attracted to that.
If he is in touch with her, it may be because he is one of only a few people she knows where she can get any emotional support, a friendly listening ear from someone who cares. If your boyfriend is being that kind of contact for her, then you have yourself a wonderful young man. My husband is like that. He adopts people as family. When his relationship ended on friendly terms with his ex, he kept in touch as he was her only emotional support being she had no family, growing up an orphan and adopted into a family that abused her. There are many family he calls 'honey' or 'dear' because he cares and loves them as he'd love his mom or sister but he most certainly doesn't have the kind of love to be in a dating/marriage relationship with. I know what's what because we both talk in detail about the people he considers family.
Yes, we all often can think of things we could have asked at the moment. I've done that a lot. There's no reason you can't bring it up later.
I do that often. If you're going to attempt this, make sure you are calm and not feeling threatened or jealous. He'll pick up on it and shut down and not share for worry of your reactions.
Next time you see him, try starting with "Hey I've been thinking about the other day when Cassie texted you. Does she keep in contact often? I know you're not dating her. I just want you to know it's ok with me if you're helping give her someone to talk to when she's lonely or needs emotional support. And if you ever want to talk with me about it, I wouldn't mind."
He is not going to feel he has to defend himself from nothing he's done wrong and so if he needs someone to share his burdon with of what he is dealing with concerning Cassie, he may likely turn to you and share. Perhaps she is just bugging him and he doesnt like it but answers just cus he is nice. Or perhaps he doesnt mind and in fact would love your help in being a team to reach out and let Cassie know someone truly cares. Good luck!
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I know your first concern is your boyfriend, and I'll get to that, but I want to talk about the friend first. I had a similar situation after high school. My friend was a lot like your Carrie, a taker, needy, dramatic, jumping from guy to guy in problem relationships, misconstruing things that had nothing to do with her as attacks; we fell out. The difference is, we moved to different states, didn't talk for years. I found out recently we live close again, so I reached out to find out if things worked out for her. She grew into a very giving, secure, down-to-earth person. She had all the qualities I cared about when we were best friends, but she also exerted a positive force on those around her now.
I can't guarantee that's the direction Carrie will go, but when my friend and I talked about how we parted ways, I came to understand how much we misunderstood what the other did and who really started it and how much we needlessly hurt each other.
You two were best friends for five years. She wouldn't be so focused on you now if she weren't still hurt about the loss of your friendship. It might make sense to confront her about how her behavior makes you feel uneasy and that you would not be able to feel safe enough around her to be friends when she treats you so poorly; really ask her why she felt you'd talk badly about her, and really allow the insecurity behind her fear to be heard without arguing or negating the truth of how she feels (even if you didn't say the thing she's afraid you said, there may be something that you didn't even really understand that she's been trying to deal with).
There are two good reasons to deal with Carrie as well as your boyfriend: I think you still care about her on some level, and it would be in your interest to work through this because if you're going to each stay in the same area, you'll have these problems over and over with her.
Your boyfriend hates the word bae, and that's fine, because it isn't meant to reject you. In fact, that has nothing to do with you or anything you want or feel because you're NOT telling him everything. You have to express your feelings in a more direct way if you expect to get the outcome you want. The "see someone else" text with sad faces isn't going to convey the fact that you want him not to give her rides or exchange texts. That's a valid request, you're not asking him to be unfriendly, just not to spend time alone together with an ex. It's not about trust, it's just inappropriate and unnecessary, and you're not seeking cozy exes tagging along in your relationship. If he loves you and hears that it's her and you and NOT him, he will get that. If he insists on keeping the relationship with her without a really good reason, then his priority isn't you.
You don't tell him everything about you if you haven't told him you want to know his sexual history. You are not out of line to ask, just be absolutely sure you really want to know. There's no reason for him to volunteer the information when you may not really want to hear the answer. Whatever that may be, let him feel safe to tell you anything. Don't freak out if it's not the answer you were hoping for--that would be unfair because his options would be to either lie or get into a fight. You don't have to Pollyanna pretend everything is peachy, you can tell him you would have wished it were different, but you know you can't change the past, and just reassure him that you accept him and be forthright about what you'd prefer for the future.
You have to know what you really, truly want and then ask for it. If you can't negotiate a respectful solution, you're in the wrong relationship. Good luck!
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Hey there!
I feel like I can relate to everything you typed just perfectly. I was best friends with a girl since 4th grade. In 9th grade she was dating someone and so was I. She started hanging out with other girls, and I just hung out with her when I could and with my partner. That was when she started talking about me and about my relationship. She'd say her relationship was better, and that I had no spark with my boyfriend.
I ignored it but it kept getting worse until I just burst out and got in a really big fight with her and stopped talking to her. She moved away and after a few days I was with my boyfriend and he was showing me some status on facebook when I see a message pop up with her name.
I mean, before she started hanging out with other people we were all friends but I didn't expect them to keep in touch. Anyways, the message was "how are things going with x____?" So I was very angry.
I ended things with him because I cannot trust someone who would have a friendship with someone who disrespects me so much. Someone who talked badly about me and dissed our relationship.
I'm not saying you should dump him, but you should totally come out and say "Hey, I saw that message from Carrie and I think it's really disrespectful of you to talk to her after everything she's done to me."
Tell him that if roles were reversed you'd avoid speaking to that person. And if he denies it or says she's his friend then just tell him that he needs to choose his friends a little better.
Best of luck!
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