about

Hi I'm Dee. I'm 23 and married. I've worked in health care as well as office settings but am now a home-maker. I'm knowledgeable in a variety of subjects but don't mind doing a little research if asked about something I don't know about. Most of my friends come to me for advice. I read several advice columns and would like to help you also.

I'm not judgemental. Your life is yours to live it as you choose. I believe asking for advice is good, but ultimately the choice is yours. You WILL NOT find a hurtful or smartass answer here.

If you have a question that you would like to keep private, you can email me and I'll get back to you as soon as possible.

advice

i am 20 years old an di have been with my boyfriend for a year and six months. we were together for only three months when he proposed to me and i accepted. i love him a lot but theres soomething in my mind thats saying hes not the one for me. i have no friends because he says their no good for me. i called my ex-boyfriend in november because i had no one to talk to because my fiance was on vacation. i slit my wrists and everything. now i can't even go to work because he accuses me of cheating on him. please give me advice on what i should do?

I have to agree with younggrandma here. I would end this relationship now before you get in any deeper.


When I was younger, I was in a relationship much like you described. He didn't like my friends so I quit hanging out with them. He didn't like my family so he demanded I not see them either. He wouldn't let me work because he thought I'd find someone else. He wouldn't even let me go grocery shopping alone. I couldn't leave the house unless it was with someone he approved of (his family or friends). When he went to work, he took my car keys so I was unable to leave. He wouldn't even let me have a phone in the house because he didn't want me talking to anyone. By the end of the relationship, I was literally a prisoner.


When I finally reached the point where I couldn't take anymore, I waited until he was gone to work and walked 5 miles to my parents house. Because I'd let things get so out of hand, I ended up having to rebuild my relationships with my family and friends. It also took a long time before I trusted any guy again.

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Ok here is the thing, my friend and her boyfriend started having sex about 6 maybe 7 mounths ago, and i do not have any problems with that. But since then she has thought she might be pregant 4 times! Im scared that she might not be careful untill she becomes pregant. Her boyfriend told her that if she ever did become pregant then he would leave her. I don't vare if she has sex, i just don't want her to another 15 year old girl who becomes pregant. Do you think i should but in because, everytime she calls saying she needs me to come over so she I can read the pregancy results, i tell her that she lucky that she's not, and she should start useing protection. she says she doesn't need it cuz she is on the pill. should I but in, or should i just be the friend that warns her,then reads the results, tell her she lucky and that she should protection?

The pill is not foolproof. My first child was conceived while I was on the pill. Also, the pill provides absolutely no protection against STDs. If she is going to continue having sex, I would highly recommend she use condoms as well.


I would definitely sit down with her and try to get her to understand the necessity of using protection. If she will read the package insert that comes with the pill, she'll see that it clearly says it's not 100% effective and provides no protection from STDs.

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my boyfriend just confessed to me another girl kissed him and he didn't stop her. I was really mad at first, but then I realized i have no right to be. You see, we're in a internet relationship and not meeting till late this year. I guess it's understandable that if someone in the flesh comes along and kisses you, you're not going to stop them. I think I would do the same too, admittedly. Everyone I've spoken to though thinks I should be madder than I am, because he cheated on me. I guess i'm a pretty laid-back person. We care about each other a lot, but I understand why he did it. I feel I should be mad at him for cheating though. I still want to go out with him, but everyone is telling me to break up with him. What should I do? And am I being too nice on him?

Thanks.

You're the one that has to live with the decision so you need to make the choice that's best for you. Personally, I think he was wrong to let another girl kiss him so I can understand why you were upset. However, I do find the fact that he freely admitted what happened encouraging. Most people I've met wouldn't have said anything. I believe a strong relationship is built on trust and it appears that you do have that here. What I would recommend is setting clear boundaries of what you feel is acceptable behavior so he doesn't take your acceptance of this one-time thing as permission to do whatever. Good luck.

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Well Sunday is Mother's Day. My boyfriend does not have a Mother. He lost her to breast cancer 4 years ago. I don't know what to do...Please help me/us.

You could do something in memory of his mother. Plant her favorite flower somewhere. Go out to her favorite restaurant and then follow up by watching a movie she enjoyed. You could even make a donation to the American Cancer Society in her name.

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i always find the wrong guy!my last boyfriend was totally abusive!he would hurt me a lot..now im with this guy Zach and he FLIPS out over every little thing. like we went to the mall and we were holding hands and that, then i saw my friend Joe and i gave him a hug and after zach was like "your such a f**king hoe if you ever cheat on me again ill break up with you"..i guess i deserved that.then i went to go get some big cookies and he wanted a medium and they were outta medium so i got him large and he flipped out..what should i do!?

First, I would get rid of this guy. His behavior is outrageous. Please don't think this is your fault because it's not. It sounds to me like he has deep seated jealousy and control issues. While his abuse (Yes this is verbal and emotional abuse) so far hasn't escalated, it can and may move into a more dangerous situation.


After you've got rid of this guy, I would take a break from getting into another relationship for a while. I know from experience how easy it is to walk into another abusive relationship after leaving one. By giving yourself time to heal and rebuild your self-esteem, you'll be able to focus more clearly on determining the qualities that you need in a guy and hopefully make a better choice the next time. Good luck.

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I don’t really have a problem with porn per say, it’s just every guy I’ve known well enough (i.e. have dated seriously or am related too) seems to be addicted to it.

Now my boyfriend has confessed that lately he can’t go a day without watching porn, and sometimes is watching it two or three times a day. He has been late to meet me several times and is having issues handing work in on time. He hasn’t said it, but I think porn is the distraction.

So I want your opinion, how much is too much? (Obviously my boy knows he has a problem and is going to work on it) And what should I say to him? I’m stuck between telling him he ought to give it up and just trying to be supportive with scaling back because I think that’s all he plans on doing. I just figure; if you can’t manage it in moderation, stay the hell away from it.

Beyond all that, I’m getting a little ticked off honestly. I wouldn’t mind once and while when I’m not around, but this is just insulting. I know he’s under a lot of stress right now, but come on.

Personally, I've never really had a problem with porn as long as it doesn't interfere with the other areas of your life (work, school, relationships, etc.) Since it sounds like your boyfriend has reached a point where it's interfering with his life, I would say it's probably too much in his case. I would recommend telling him to give it up, but I would definitely encourage him to cut back on it so he has time for the more important things in his life (you, work).

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My husband and I have not had sex in a year. This is no doubt of monogamy. We both have health issues, but come on, in a year! He is 40 and I am 39. We have been married for 6 years. We never have had a good sex life and I just don't know what to do to get the fire going. We are affectionate as far as he rocks me in the recliner, kisses me (not romantically), we still hold hands. It seems we are more like loving room-mates and I want more. He is definately my soulmate. We were each others first for sex. We met in college but at the time he played football and that was his life. After 11 years of being apart we got back together. All my friends tell me it's a fairy tale, but I'm too embarrassed to tell them about my sex life, because they think we have everything. Please help.

Health issues could play a role. If you haven't already, I would suggest you both go for a checkup, just to rule out any problems you may be unaware of. You would be surprised at the effect many common health problems can have on your sex life.


It may also be that you've got in a rut. Have you tried some new things? Sometimes even just trying a new position can do wonders. If you don't know where to start, there's a wide variety of couple-friendly books and videos out there. I don't mean porn. I mean the instructional types.


How is the romance in the relationship? After a while, it's easy to get caught up in the day to day routine. When's the last time you had a candlelit dinner or went off for a romantic weekend? It might be worth giving it a try.

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I am a 30 year old, married woman with 3 kids. My husband is very great to me and other than the usual bickering & disagreements, we don't have any major problems in our relationship. MY problem is...I keep developing crushes on other men! Whenever I start talking to an attractive guy for a period of time, either from work, my husbands friends or my friends' husbands, I start to "feel" something for them! I just don't understand why I am so prone to doing this. Any input would be greatly appriciated.

The next time you notice yourself developing a crush, ask yourself what it is about the guy that attracts you. Is it his sense of adventure? His sense of humor? The way you feel like you can tell him anything? His spontaneity? Once you've figured out the attraction, take a look at your marriage. Is that quality missing in your marriage?


If it is, sit down and talk to your husband. You don't have to tell him you've developed a crush on someone else; just let him know that you feel like (fill in the quality here) is missing.

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i'm 17, and i like this guy who is 27. usually i like guys who are within my age range.. but i suppose you can't help who you fall for. he's very quiet and seems very lonely.. hes doing law so he spends a lot of time studying and doesn't go out too much. he always jumps at the opportunity to speak to me when we see each other. well, i'm not sure what to do about this. 17 is legal for consent and all where i live (so its not a legality thing) but i guess it does sound kinda bad that hes 10 years older than me. i'm wondering whether i should just try and forget about him or whether i should try for this. i don't really care about age, but he might feel differently, and society always views these kind of things as unacceptable. so just curious what everyone thinks of the age gap, and whether it's worth pursuing or not.....?

thanks.

Personally, as long as it's legal and the relationship makes both happy, I've never had a problem with age. My husband is more than ten years older than me. Yes, we have got some strange looks and rude comments, but the important thing is we make each other happy. If people can't see that, then it's their problem.


A lot of people assume that there will be a difference in maturity levels in an age-gap relationship. However, they fail to realize that age doesn't necessarily bring maturity. I've met older people that showed less maturity than a younger person would.


If this guy makes you happy, I say go for it. It sounds like he's interested already. Don't let society's interpretation of what's acceptable be the deciding factor. If you care about each other, the age difference and what others think won't be important.

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I am 19 and my girlfriend is in her mid-twenties with a 4-year degree and a new degree she's workign on. I am in community college with no job or direction. She has been with me for seven months, but now she has decided that she has to "give it a chance" with the guy she saw (not seriously) before me because he's more marriage material. Now she's spending all spring break with him and I am supposed to wait here as her plan B. What do I do?

Honestly, I would never settle for being plan B. It sounds like this girl is looking for someone different than what you are. Rather than wait around hoping she'll change her mind or changing yourself to fit the person she wants, I would find someone who appreciates you for who you are. Someone who truly loves you will accept you as is.

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hey ummm this might be long.... ok this guy i really like asked me if i wanted to lose my virginity to him....and i was like asking him questions like if we would ever go out and he said he didnt know maybe.... and he also doesnt want anyone to know about it...which i can see that to because i dont want it getting around school either but i have the feeling that he doesnt like me and he just wants to lose his virginity....but i dont know. and like after we talked about doing it around his birthday and then like all of a sudden he asks my best friend out and im like OMG... and they went out for a couple of days........ but i havent talked to him about it anymore because i havent got the chance to... but i dont think he likes me anymore... so does anyone have any advice?
--->confused

Honestly, it sounds like he just wants a piece with no strings attached. It sounds like he's using the fact you like him to convince you to give up your virginity. If you give in, you'll be setting yourself up for a heartbreak. My advice would be to tell him no, you're not interested, and then stay away from him. There are plenty of great guys out there who will like you without you having to put out.

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hi...im 16/f
here's my problem...im dating this guy named john and hes very nice, caring, sweet...i like him very much but the only problem is that his 7 years older than me...hes 23 yrs old,is it ok if hes older than me?

I'm sure a lot of people are going to say it's weird that this guy is older than you and he's probably just out to use you. Unfortunately, this sometimes is true so I would be careful. However, as far as an age gap relationship, I personally don't see a problem as long as you're compatible with each other. My husband is several years older than me and we get along great. People may not understand why I would be with someone his age, but I love him and he makes me happy and that's what's important. As far as the legality of your relationship with John, I would be very careful. If you choose to have sex, even if it's consensual, he can end up in jail for statutory rape.

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ok.. so my boyfriend looks at porn. ive never had a problem with porn with any other guy ive been with, but lately its been getting to me. I just cant bare the thought of my boyfriend fantasizing about other women. even worse; their bodies are perfect && mine are far from it and i just dont want him comparing me to them. So my question is:
-Is it ok for me to feel this way?
-Is looking at porn considered cheating to some people?
-Should i say something to my boyfriend
-If so what?
(hes very stubborn)

Porn tends to be a big issue for a lot of people. Personally, I've never had a problem with it. The way I look at is that they can look, but not touch. As long as the porn doesn't start affecting my relationship, it's okay with me.


It's completely normal for you to feel the way you do. A lot of women do feel self-conscious and wonder if their partners are comparing them to porns. When it starts bothering you, try to remember that the chances of your boyfriend actually meeting these porn stars are next to none. Also, remember that he chose you for a reason so obviously he's attracted to you as well.


Some people do consider looking at porn cheating. Personally, I don't. After all, they're not really interacting with the porn stars or touching. It's something you have to decide for yourself.


Since it bothers you, I think you should say something about it. Try to do it in a calm and tactful manner. Avoid "You always..." and "You never..." statements. I've found that avoiding these kind of statements and saying "This makes me feel..." works better. I wouldn't suggest demanding that he doesn't watch porn at all. Most likely he'll refuse. I would try to work out a compromise somehow that makes you both happy.

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Im a guy, me and my girlfriend of 3 years broke up(she broke up with me, said she needed some time off)...anyways its been over 2 months and all I do is think about her, i miss her so much, and even though we still hang out and talk on the phone, i feel alone. I wonder if maybe i should go and date other girls because i seriously can no longer take the emptiness in my heart, i love her so much and wanna be back with her, however, i dont know exactly what plans she has. I have asked her if she sees us getting back together and her answer is always the same " i cannot answer that, cause i dont know?"
What am i supossed to do here, in one hand i love her and miss her so much, and i can continue feeling empty while waiting for her to come back to me, but on the other hand, i dont know if we will ever get back together, so maybe im getting my hopes up too high, all i know is that the emptiness and despair i feel everyday cannot be good for my health, what should i do?

It sounds like you need some time to heal. I wouldn't suggest jumping right into another relationship. In my experience, rebound relationships rarely work. Once you're comfortable with your feelings, then I would start dating again. Yes, she might change her mind and come back. However, you don't want to wait forever on the chance she might come back. You might miss out on your Ms. Right because you were waiting on the wrong one.

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hey guys i need some advice....me and scott have been dating and everytime i try to call him the phone is ALWAYS busy! i know he has a lot of friends that are girls but he talks to like 7 girls on the phone every night he tells me its not even like that..but i'm having doubts then one day he called me and told me his ex girlfriend called him and she bought him a presant and i got mad and he goes " see i knew you would get all bent out of shape about it." ok if some whore is buying my boyfriend presants am i supposed to be happy? i dont know if hes cheating on me and i think he is because the phones always busy and when i try to talk to him about it he gets all mad..what do you guys think please help me out!

I would be upset too about an ex getting my partner a present. The way I look at it is that exes are in the past and should stay there.


Honestly, I would move on and find a better guy. I'm seeing some major issues here. One, he seems to be putting all these other girls before you. If he was really interested, he'd tell those girls he has a girlfriend and needs to spend time with her. Two, there's a trust issue. I'm a strong believer that there has to be trust for a relationship to work. It sounds to me like you don't trust him much and he's not giving you much reason to trust him. Three, he's not willing to work on the issues in your relationship. If there's a problem, he needs to be willing to work to fix it too. The fact that he gets mad rather than trying to work it out throws up major red flags for me.

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Im a 15/f, 16 in april.
okay for some reason i think its really odd to date a guy whos like 17. but then id love to date a guys whos turning 15. i know usually everyone wants to date guys who are older and taller then them but i mean i think its kinda gross well not gorss but just weird if i would date a guy whos like 2 years older then me or 2 years younger. is there something wrong with my brain or is that just my personality towards guys i like?

I don't think there's anything wrong with you. Many women choose to only date guys their age. Just because other girls date older or younger guys doesn't necessarily mean those guys are the right one for you. Stick with what makes you comfortable. Only you can know which guy is right for you.

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I saw my bf at the mall with another guy kissing him! Not just kissing but making out! What should i do? Should i confront him?!
HELP me please!
Thank you soooo much

I would definitely speak to your boyfriend about what you saw. This is a major breach of trust. Even if the person is the same sex, it's still cheating. While he may have just been experimenting, he should be doing that while he's single, not while he's in a committed relationship.


If you're sexually active with him, you may also want to get tested for STDs. This may have been the first time he's cheated, but you don't know for sure. It's better to be safe.

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I am 21 yrs old and have been dating this guy for 3&1/2 yrs now (started my senior year of highschool) and I love him very much, but for the last year or so Ive gotten to the point where I just don't know if I can see us together forever anymore (like all girls dream) and am wondering if I should stay or go. We have been getting into alot more fights, way more easily than before and most of them are due to the fact that he is obsessed with video games and puts them ahead of hanging out with me all the time. Lately, hes gotten into this new game that has quests with alot of people on certain days of the weeks; scheduled quests. And he decides to not hang out with me and play instead even though its a friday night which is one of my nights off (no college the next day or work). We rarely see each other the way it is this semester due to classes and work and homework that this is ruining my time with him and it bugs me how he doesn't care. Even when we do hang out, when I come over to his house I have to get him off his game and its hard work. I just don't feel like a priority anymore, and because of this I get angry easier and then make him mad and we get into fights. He thinks I nag on him too much and I think he doesn't prioritize me enough. I love him sooo much, hes very honest and true to me, but I'm to the point where I'm jealous of a game?! This just doesn't feel right. The only other thing (other than his good points) stopping me from breaking it off with him is the fact that we have a class together and i don't want to have this stuff affect my grades and I am very 'addicted' to him (i love him soo much and dont know how to live without him anymore). Should i stay With him? Should i break it off? If so, when? Thanks for any advice you can give me.

Have you tried playing the game with him or finding a game that you both enjoy? That would give you a chance to spend time together while he still gets to play.


Personally, I would sit down with him and calmly let him know how you feel. Try not to sound like you're accusing him as he'll be less likely to listen. Something to the effect of "Honey, I'm glad you've found a game you like, but I miss the time we used to spend together. Can we come to a compromise?" By making it an issue of quality time rather than the game and offering to compromise, he'll be more likely to agree.


Have you tried setting aside a time or day for the two of you to spend together? My husband works six days a week and goes out with his friends at least once a week. I was beginning to feel like I came in last in his life. Finally, we sat down and discussed it and came to the agreement that Sunday was our day. If anyone calls or comes over, we tell them we're busy. Neither of us go out.


If discussing it and trying to come to a compromise doesn't work, you may need to decide whether you're willing to continue the relationship as it is. If not, your only option may be to move on to find a guy that can find the time for you. Good luck!

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what kinds of perfumes do guys like on girls?
do guys even pay attention to stuff like that?
i am just wondering because i really like this guy who is one of my friends and we bump into eachother a lot (literally) in the halls. and i think he likes me back so i was just wondering if there was a cheap type of perfume that he would like. i wear victoria's secret forever romance or adidas moves for her. any advice would be helpful! i'll rate 5's!

btw : we are both in 8th grade (14 yrs old)

I think it varies by the guy. Short of asking him, there's really no way to be sure. One guy I dated said he preferred no scent at all. My hubby loves when I wear vanilla scents.


My suggestion would be to wear what pleases you as long as it's not too strong or overpowering. If a perfume makes you feel good, it will show in your confidence. After all, the guy will be dating you, not your perfume.

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Ok so this friend of mine is really rich and all kinds of girls try to get with him all the time. He's had it happen a few times that the chick he's been with uses him for his money.
He says he doesn't care that girls go after him for his money because it's just a way for them to connect and get to know each other better. I think if a girl is after your money, she's after your money and she isn't interested in getting to know you.
If I had that kind of money and I knew a girl I was seeing wasn't in it for the real me, it would be a MAJOR turn off.
What is your opinion on this? Wouldn't it bother anyone that people are after such a supreficial thing?

It wouldn't just bother me; it would tick me off. I'd want someone to be attracted to me for me, not what I can give them materially. Just give it time. I think your friend will learn that a girl that's interested in him as a person, rather than a bank, is much better. I was in the reverse of the situation. I was the one with money and dating a bum of a guy. I wised up pretty fast once I realized I was just being used for the money.

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