Ask hailebop!

I think it speaks very highly of your compassion and desire to help that you'd even consider this. It is not selfish of you to say no. You have weighed up the options, and the fact is that you cannot balance your life as you wish to live it with either of the options she's presented you with.

If you agreed to babysit, you would be spending 12 hours working, and then 12 hours caring for a young, attention-demanding child. That's 100% of your time where you are 'on call' to other people, where your time is not your own.

I know this is your friend and it's understandable that you feel bad for her situation, but this just isn't a reasonable thing for her to ask of you, especially for an unspecified time period. She's not asking for a few hours as a favour, she's asking for your whole life, for a month, two months, maybe longer.

The idea of the night shift at least means that you aren't giving up all of your time, but working nights would have enormous implications for yourself and your family and again is a huge thing to ask you to do. As you have mentioned yourself, working nights would lead to disturbed sleep, and it would also likely reduce the quality time you get to spend with your children and husband. You have two teenage children that require your time, love and attention, and it may well be that working nights just does not fit in with all of your needs.

It is of course worth sitting down with your husband and children and looking at whether working nights would work for you all. If it does, then maybe you can reach an agreement with your friends that works for everybody - although I'd want to agree on a time-scale before you commit to anything. If however, as I suspect will be the case, you look at the practicalities and decide that it doesn't work for you and your family, then there is no shame in that. You've considered your friend and her family, but you've also considered the needs of your own family, and they have to come first.

It sounds as though you feel very guilty for making a decision that you fear is somehow letting your friend down. Whilst I think it's wonderful that you so badly want to help out your friend, it's important not to take on too much burden from this situation. It is not your fault that your friend is struggling, that her mother is going on a trip, that her husband can't help out more. You love your friend and want to help out, but that doesn't mean she has a blank cheque to cash out your kindness. You want to help out, but this does not mean that she can demand unlimited resources from you, and you do not owe her these.

If you decide that you can't swap shifts with her or babysit, then I think you need to break it to her gently that it just isn't something you can take on given your own family circumstances. Perhaps you can suggest some other options, like taking the baby for one day a week, or for a few hours here and there rather than all the time. Try to help her through the situation by exploring other options with her.

If she does decide that she has to quit her job, please don't feel responsible - it will have been that she had to make the best decision for her family, and you yours, and hopefully with time she will see and appreciate that.

Good luck and all the best.

Short answer: there is a small chance.

Longer answer: the average woman has a 28 day cycle, with her most fertile 'window' on day 14 of her cycle (day 1 being the first day of her period). You are considering sex on day 26 or 27 of a cycle, which is a long way from the most fertile window, which means that there is a relatively low chance of fertilisation.

However, these are *average* figures, which means that whilst they are true for many, they are also *not* representative of a great number of women. Women can and have become pregnant on every day of their menstrual cycle when statistically the odds were stacked against them.

Fertilisation is statistically most likely to happen in the middle of a menstrual cycle, but it can happen at any time because you may have ovulated earlier or later in your cycle, and your cycle may be shorter or longer than average.

Ovulation and the menstrual cycle can be affected by illness, stress, travel and a myriad of other factors. Unless you are very carefully monitoring your own body (signs examined include the position of the cervix, internal body temperature, cervical mucus and others: I stress, this is not a simple process!) you do not know when you have ovulated and cannot accurately predict your fertility window. Even with these signs monitored closely and rigorously, the method of having sex only on 'safe' days is simply not that reliable to use in place of contraception.

http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/health_advice/facts/naturalfamilyplanning.htm , which details some 'natural' family planning methods of examining the menstrual cycle, states that none of these methods are recommended for women for whom pregnancy is totally unacceptable.

This is not to deny the statistical average, but to acknowledge that there is enough of an error margin here that it is simply not worth taking chances unless you are willing to become pregnant.

I hope this is useful information. I don't wish to be alarmist, and hope I have given you a balance between the short answer (statistically you are likely to be okay) and the long answer (this doesn't mean you should do it!).

Ona

I'm sorry to hear you are ill. Mono, particularly when it leads to protracted symptoms of fatigue and generally feeling under the weather, is a nasty disease to have to deal with when you want to be busy and having fun as a teenager.

Mono (or Glandular Fever) is caused by the Epstein-Barr virus, which is actually one of the most common viruses in humans across the world. After exposure to the virus (which for many people, particularly when they are younger, doesn't lead to any noticeable symptoms) you will develop antibodies. These will then be in your blood (in greater or lesser amounts) forever. This is a good thing, as it helps you from relapsing and getting the really nasty symptoms again, but it makes active cases of the virus quite hard to detect, as the test for Mono is just the test for the antibodies in your blood. A very high count means you either have the the disease, have recently had it, or the spike is caused by other damage to your immune system. An average or low count just means that you have been exposed to the bug and now have some resistance to it. My point is, your blood test doesn't necessarily mean that you still have Mono, or that you have relapsed, or anything you need to worry about. It sounds like you are unfortunately just one of the unlucky ones that take longer than average to recover. Although you should keep an eye on things with the help of your doctor, if you don't experience any symptoms other than the fatigue, I think all you can do is try to take it easy and give your body time to repair.

Unfortunately there is no real cure for the fatigue associated with mono other than a good amount of rest, and the normal recommended eating well and taking care of yourself. Getting to bed at a reasonable time is important, but routine is also cruical. It may be tempting when you feel exhausted to crash at the weekends and sleep in till lunchtime, but this may well make you feel more exhausted come Monday morning. If you have a set routine during the week of 8 hours sleep and a nap, don't sway too wildly from this during the weekends or time you have off so that you can eventually return to your normal routine.

Also, try not to let others get you down. Fatigue, like other 'invisible illnesses' can be trivialised by well-meaning friends who aren't able to understand just how exhausting doing not very much can be when you are ill or recovering from this illness. Be patient with them, as it's difficult to understand unless you have been there, but don't let your friends or family push you too hard to do things if you are not yet ready.

All the best. I hope you feel better soon.

Ona

You have already been given a short ban as a warning for repeatedly asking this type of question. It's not allowed here, as you have already been told. I have personally deleted another of your questions this evening, and am giving you notice that this is your final warning before receiving a ban.

This site is for the giving of advice. Although we intepret advice quite broadly and accept many different kinds of questions, we do not allow 'do I look hott in this picture' type of questions. There are many sites which cater to this kind of question, so there is no need for us to cover them here. We feel this site offers a unique perspective where people can talk about problems. This purpose would be made more difficult if the site had an influx of questions like yours, which are essentially asking for an ego-massage. Questions of the 'hot-or-not' genre do not invite constructive comments, or in depth answers. They just beg samey responses that tell you you are pretty - and that's not why our columists are here.

If you have a problem, then it's fine to ask a question. If you struggle with self-confidence, as you seem to, then it's okay to ask a question about having your confidence dented by remarks made by somebody about one of your pictures - because that's asking for advice, for help, for commiseration, stories - whatever people have to share. But posting a picture and asking if it's hot? That isn't, and that's why it's not acceptable here.

I hope that is clear. Please do not ask this type of question again.

hailebop, for advicenators

I shall offer a dissenting voice here.

If you delete the messages, you are hiding something from your boyfriend. Why would you do that? Either you think you did something wrong that you think needs to be hidden from your boyfriend, or you are afraid of and want to avoid the drama your boyfriend will cause if he sees the messages.

You haven't done anything wrong. You haven't even spoken to this guy. You've messaged him on the internet, in a friendly way, to give advice and be a friend. This is not something you have to hide. If it is something that you feel you have to hide, that is a problem.

Why is that a problem? Because it means that you are afraid of your boyfriend’s reaction. You are afraid of how your boyfriend will react to you talking to another guy - a guy you probably won't ever meet in person because he lives nearly 8 hours drive away from you. That shows a spectacular lack of trust and faith in you from him. If he trusted and respected you, he wouldn't be threatened by you just talking - not even talking, I might add, but messaging over the internet - to a male friend.

It is understandable that your boyfriend is more suspicious than he has justification to be when he has been cheated on before. This does not however mean that you should tolerate his jealousy and moderate your behavior by stopping speaking too or messaging male friends that you have. If you do this, you are allowing your boyfriend to control you in a way that is not healthy for you as an individual, or your relationship.

For these reasons, it would be better to leave the messages, and if he discovers them, explain calmly that it was just a friendly conversation that you have every right to have had. If he becomes upset, empathize with him - say you understand he has been hurt before and finds it difficult to trust, but be strong and say that it is essential that he does trust you and allows you freedom in this way.

If he can't let you have this freedom after a year of dating, then he probably isn't willing to trust you at all, and this will never be a good foundation for a relationship.

All the best.

I work in the criminal law, but no, I am not a lawyer. What I do could loosely be described as paralegal work.

I know more about the law than the average person, but I am not qualified, and have not formally studied law. So no, I cannot give you legal advice or answer questions about the law. Such questions are best directed towards trained professionals. If you cannot afford legal advice, there may be some free help avaliable in your area. In the UK, contact your Citizens Advice Bureau: http://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/

Hi Jack,

SpreadLove was banned for her attack on your column, but I'm not sure if it's fair for me to tell which other non-abusive questions originate from her account, as that information would normally remain private. I'd prefer if you asked DangerNerd this question, as he has ultimate say over what sort of things can be released. Obviously there's a line and if you break the rules you forgeit your rights on the site, but I'm not sure that extends to times you were not abusing your account, so I'm going to leave this DangerNerd's call, just because I don't feel qualified to decide whether it would be appropriate or not.

I hope that makes sense.

Ona

Theymos already gave you the Mod List page. You can find the list again by browing the FAQ - it's under the 'About moderators' section.

Level 2 moderators and up can see who answers questions. That's currently 11 people who can check to see who asks questions. However, admins will only do this if there is an issue of account abuse or something that requires attention. The admins will not randomly check up on questions without good reason. This feature is however obviously necessary for when we are investigating instances of account abuse or harassment.

I hope this answers your question.

It depends where you are flying from and to, and which airline you are flying with. Where I live, in the UK, you are not allowed to take knitting needles in your hand luggage at all because they can potentially be used against others. In the US there is no such blanket rule, and it is up to the airlines themselves to decide what they allow. Whilst some airlines ban it, many others allow it, particularly on domestic flights within the US. The best thing to do is call ahead to the airline itself and find out what their policy is.

There is a small risk that even if the airline says in advance that it's okay you will end up dealing with somebody difficult at checkin who won't allow you to proceed with knitting needles. because they are sharp. If this happens, you must agree to surrender your needles - if you wish to board a plane, you must co-operate fully with checkin staff. It might be a good idea to take an envelope and stamps so that if this happens you can ask them to send the parcel home so you don't loose your needles or work. For similar reasons its also a good idea not to take something you couldn't bear to part with, like some heirloom piece you've been working on for months. The best thing to take would be a small piece on circular needles or dpns - perhaps a hat or socks - so that they are both easy to pack in case they are confiscated, and can be knitted without irritating passengers next to you.

It's also worth thinking about what kind of 'extras' you'll need to take with you to work on your knitting. Don't take anything where you'll need scissors to cut ends, as these definitely will not be allowed on board. You can get small devices for cutting in most yarn shops, but these again may be confiscated. Again, the best thing to do is to call the airline and find out what exactly they permit. If you flying on multiple airlines, check with them all as they may have different policies.

I think there are a few things worth noting here.

Firstly, people can have a set of opinions that they think are politically justified and correct, but feel different when they are directly involved in the situation. This can be just plain hypocrisy of the not-in-my-back-yard variety, but sometimes it comes from the best intentions. I myself identify as being pro-choice and think the protection of abortion rights is extremely important. That however doesn't mean that I know how I'd react if I myself ever became pregnant unintentionally. I might feel that for me, it just wasn't an option, and I would hope that if I did this nobody would criticise me for being hypocritical if I made such a decesion.

Perhaps your friend Rick is like this. Politically, he thinks abortion and choice are important, but he finds this difficult to reconcile with his own personal feelings that this is his potential child. Within the abortion debate it is easy to forget that the foetus is the man's too, and he may have conflicting feelings about it as much as the woman does. I don't think you need to be looking forward to impending parenthood to feel this conflict. If Jenna felt like this she might have had the baby and given it up for adoption, and we wouldn't see that as incoherent. It's a little odd that he so strongly defends choice politically and so strongly fights against it on a personal level in his relationship, but I don't think his emotions are rare.

I admit that his comment that she probably just didn't want to get fat seems off for somebody who supposedly identifies as feminist, but I guess we don't know the full circumstances and maybe the remark comes from bitterness after an unpleasant break up against a difficult background.

He might also be somebody who is pro-choice but doesn't believe in unlimited access to abortion. The pro-choice movement encompasses a wide-range of beliefs, and very few support absolute access to abortion at any time for any reason - few for example would hypothetically support a woman who sought an abortion at 8 and a half months because she was sick of being fat or a scan had revealed the foetus was ugly. Although I am always personally suspicious of arguments such as this (I don't believe anyone takes abortion that lightly), you note that you don't know what Jenna's reasons were, so perhaps Rick has more reasons that we can currently guess to be angry, upset or hurt by Jenna's actions.

It's not incoherent to be pro-choice and still believe that a foetus has some rights: Judith Jarvis Thomson for example argued that a foetus has only a right not to be killed unjustly. This makes abortion morally permissible in some scenarios (for example, if the health or wellbeing of the mother is jeopardised by the foetus) but still allows that a foetus has some right to protection. Although I would expect a self-identified feminist to allow quite broad reasons to count towards justifying abortion, perhaps in his personal circumstances (which we do not know fully) Rick felt that there weren't sufficient reasons to justify abortion.

I wouldn't write Rick off as being a hypocrite. This situation was probably far more difficult than he imagined it would be, and though in criticising his former partner he isn't behaving in the best way possible, I think it's entirely understandable that he's confused and hurt.

All the best.

The question that got deleted: http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=488719

Though your question itself was not sexually explicit, it did ask for explicit advice on how to turn a guy on, and as such was deemed inappropriate by one of the admins and deleted.

You rightly point out that some questions which are more explicit than yours get onto the site and recieve answers. That's because we have a team of admins who approve questions, and we all have slightly different ideas of where the line is, so some questions that I approve others might not, and vice-versa. It's not a perfect system, but no human system is.

We try to avoid having anything sexually explicit on the site, because we have a relatively young userbase. We allow sex questions - and indeed, we get a lot of them, but we try to keep the focus appropriate towards a younger audience. I intepret that to mean we allow questions about (for example), biological aspects of sex such as pregnancy and STD risks and emotional aspects of sex, like whether people are ready, but not technical things like how to do x position or how to turn somebody on or learn a new trick, because whilst these questions could be answered in a non-explicit way, they could very easily generate explicit and inappropriate material in answers, and that isn't what we want from the site.

I'm not going to approve this question to the main page, because I don't think it's asking for advice. But I hope I answered your question and you can understand more why your quesiton wasn't approved.

It is possible to get pregnant because semen would not be contained and could potentially reach your vagina. Pregnancy is however highly unlikely, but it is a theoretical possibility, just as it is for somebody to get pregnant without vaginal sex because of having small amounts of semen on their fingers. It's highly unlikely, but it's definitely not safe to do these things without some form of protection.

It's also important to note that if you are having anal sex, condoms are essential because of the risk of STDs. As Ashumms has already pointed out, you are more likely to tear something whilst having anal sex, which increases risk of infection. Using a condom will prevent against these infection and pregnancy.

For the *average* woman, the most fertile day is day 14 of her cycle, with the first day of her period counting as day 1. So at the moment, assuming you had a 5 day period, you'd be on day 7 or 8. So you might not be at your most fertile window. BUT - these figures are based on the average woman with a settled, 28 day cycle. You probably aren't that woman, and you could very easily be at your most fertile and you have no way of knowing. It is very, very dangerous to gamble that you aren't fertile based on these figures, given how inaccurate they are, especially given that you are young and I imagine as such somebody for whom pregnancy would be no laughing matter.

Sabine has already given you excellent advice on the morning after pill or 'Plan B'. It's not designed to be used as an ordinary contraceptive. It's a very strong dose of hormones designed for use when your ordinary method of contraception goes wrong. You should never plan to use this method: it is a backup only. I should also point out that it is not particularly reliable - if you get it immediately it is 89& effective, and this decrease with time. This website is quite informative on the subject: http://www.go2planb.com/ForConsumers/Index.aspx

As for the ordinary birth control pill, yes, you are too late for this to be effective. In my country they say you are covered after 2 weeks of taking it, but in the US doctors normally recommend taking it for longer than that to ensure it's reliable, so no, taking 1 pill in the middle of your cycle will not offer protection against pregnancy.

The only responsible solution here is to use condoms, or not have sex at all. You are taking your health into your own hands by doing anything else, and I would urge you to think very carefully about how pregnancy or a sexually transmitted infection would effect your life before having sex without a condom.

All the best.

It definitely sounds like he's flirting with you.

Of course, some guys are flirty and don't necessarily mean anything by it. Does he do this with other women that he's close to? If he's naturally very playful and "crazy" with lots of people it can be very hard to tell when the playfulness has progressed into flirtacious playfulness. If on the other hand he's just like this with you, or behaves with you in a way that is significantly more playful and flirtatious than he does with others, then I would probably read something into it.

That said, human behaviour is hard to read, and there's a chance that you and I are both wrong in reading his signals this way. For this reason, I'd avoid asking him directly if he likes you. This puts him on the spot and might embarass him or make him just brush off his behaviour as nothing - after all, he might not be 100% sure how he feels. Flirting is both a way of indicating interest in somebody and exploring our own feelings and how we click with a person.

I can't really tell from your question whether you are interested in persuing things with this guy or not. You say that you have a crush on him, but I don't know if that means you want to be with him as you note yourself the age difference.

Either way, I think you can respond to his flirting in a way that will give you answers about how he feels and beging to change the relationship in a direction that makes you happy without having to have an embarassing "do you like me?" conversation. It's all about how you respond to his behaviour. If you like him, follow his lead and be playful and flirty back.

If you don't want to be with him despite your crush, it's a little harder as you'll probably enjoy the flirting and want to flirt back as you have a crush on him, but you should respond in a way that is friendly but doesn't encourage him. You can still be friendly and laugh and joke with him, but don't let him pick you up and carry you around or similar things like that. It may take a while to train him out of the behaviour, but if you don't give him any indications that you want him to behave that way he should stop.

All the best.

It's a horrible position to be in, but I think all you can do is wait until your friend seems to be beginning to get over the relationship. If they break up I think you can, after a time, talk to your friend and be honest that you have strong feelings for her ex-boyfriend and would like, with her permission, to persue things with him.

Until then? There's not much you can do. It's natural and admirable to want to be honest with your friend about the feelings you have, but if you tell her whilst she's still with this guy, or whilst she's still struggling with very strong feelings for him having just broken up with him, she will in all likelyness feel betrayed and confused by your revelations because on top of her already existing relationship difficulties, she then has what she'd percieve as competition from you, somebody she's close to and trusts.

I do however think that you do need to talk to her before you start flirting with this guy. Of course, it's difficult to judge how long it's appropriate to leave after the break-up to talk to your friend, and there is no straight answer. You have to read her and the situation and wait until she has got some distance and perspective on the relationship. How long this will take will depend on her and the dynamics of the relationship they had, and you will have to use your personal judgement on when she'll take the news best, depending on how she's feeling about the relationship, their chances of getting back together, and perhaps starting dating again herself.

Be honest but gentle with your friend, and be prepared to take things slowly out of respect for the two of them. It's a tough position to be in, but with honesty and kindness your friend will eventually understand, although it may take time for relations between the two of you to return to normal.

All the best.

I didn't approve this question because reviewing poetry doesn't really come under advice. There are many poetry sites out there which would welcome your work and give you helpful responses - try http://wwww.allpoetry.com, http://poetrywithmeaning.com/ or http://www.everypoet.org/

All the best.

This question has been deleted multiple times because it is not appropriate for the site. We are here to offer advice, but not to do your homework for you.

Consider this a final warning. Repeatedly reposting the same question is against the rules. It was deleted once because it's not appropriate - by reposting it you are showing disregard for the rules and the mods who go through and approve questions. Please read the FAQ and don't re-post this question again.

Ona

You've been dating 4 years, he tells you he wants to marry you some day and you spend time with his family, and yet, he won't call you his girlfriend?

I'm sure in a way he does love you very deeply, but it seems to me that your own diagnosis is right: he, despite his love for you, isn't ready for commitment at this stage in his life. He loves you but is torn because as a young guy, he also wants other things, and so is trying to have things both ways - a girlfriend he loves and can come home to every night, and being able to somehow feel that he's carefree and single and can talk to whomever he likes.

You could put up with it and hope he grows out of it soon, but the chances of him suddenly snapping out of it when he's got along with having the best of both worlds for 9 months is low.

I think you deserve better. It must be heartbreaking for you because you love him and have spent four years with him, but do you really want to spend an indeterminate period of time waiting for him to start treating you the way that you treat him - the way you want to be and deserve to be treated as his girlfriend?

I also think that taking a stand and saying that you aren't willing to play the game this way any more will be a good test of how he really feels. If he feels the way you do, then although he may be resentful of the ultimatum at first, he'll realise that his feelings for you are the most important thing. If he says no, he won't be cotrolled, he needs to be free more than he needs you - well, you've then been given the clearest signal that you can that he just isn't ready to commit to you at this stage in his life - and if that's the case, you should have the courage to move on and find somebody who loves you in the way that you deserve.

All the best - I really hope it works out for you.

I know it's nerve-wracking when your period is late, but the best thing to do right now is relax a little. Your period was only due four days ago. That seems like a huge amount of time to you because you've been expecting it and worrying and thinking about it a lot, but in reality four days is really not a lot.

Sometimes periods are late. It can be because of stress, large changes in diet, travelling long distances and upsetting your body clock, or many other factors.

If your cycle has been reliable up until now it's easy to dismiss these potential causes, but they can make a lot of difference. The best thing to do is wait and try not to worry about it, because you can get into a nasty cycle where you are in so much stress because your period is late that your body stops your period coming.

I would advice waiting a week or so and if by then your period still hasn't come, taking another pregnancy test. It's worth saying that a test taken four days after your period was due may not be very reliabe unless the test was specifically designed for early detection - but this by no means suggests that you are pregnant, it just means that you may want to take another test for piece of mind later when any hormones would be easier to detect. If you are in a position where you can visit a doctor, you could also get a pregnancy test done there. Doctors are able to do blood tests which give the most reliable results, so that may be an option for you if you really cannot stop worrying about this.

But first and foremost: try not to worry. Four days late is not a huge cause for concern. You may well just need to wait a few days more and then it will come.

All the best.

I think you are currently more self-aware than you are giving yourself credit for. By asking this question you are showing that you are aware of how you behave and how it might irritate others, and that's a really positive and mature thing to be doing.

As you are already aware of what you think issues might be, you can work on them. You've probably formed habbits that are quite difficult to break, but this is possible - try, for example, forcing yourself to count to five or ten before you you say something like a complaint, asking yourself whether what you are saying is going to be productive in the conversation before responding, or forcing yourself to let one other person voice their opinion on the subject so you have time to think before giving an instant reaction which might be a complaint.

A lot of the work is just in forcing yourself to stop and think for a second before you speak or instinctively react - if you can get a hold of that, then you'll probably find that once you've remembered that your trying not to whine so much you'll be able to stop, because as soon as you think about it you realise that it's probably annoying and unnecessary.

This will probably take a bit of time to get into though, and you are likely to slip into old habbits occasionally - you are only human, after all. I think for that reason it's important to say to your friend that you are aware that you might be irritating, that you are working on things and most importantly, that if there is anything you are doing that irritates her that she should bring it up so that you know it bothers her and you can work on it. If you are both honest with each other and work hard at getting along, which you sound like you are more than willing to do, you should be fine together.

It's also important to give yourself some time away from each other. No matter how close you are to a person, if you spend 24 hours a day in each others company for three weeks you will begin to find some of their habbits grating. Try to have a little bit of alone time each day so that if you are irritating each other you get a bit of space from it and can get some perspective, and enjoy the time that you are spending together more,

Enjoy your holiday, and good luck with your friend.