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Q: my heart has been doing weird stuff so i was looking what can be wrong with the heart and it said "coronary artery disease" but i don't know what that means. can some one please explain so a 16 year old can understand?
Hi there,
I have to tell you that none of us are doctors, and even if we were it would be unethical to diagnose or treat you here.
This is what I found:
\"CAD happens when the arteries that supply blood to heart muscle become hardened and narrowed. This is due to the buildup of cholesterol and other material.\"
Basically, your arteries are like tubes that go to your heart so it can pump the blood through your body. Things we eat as well as genetic traits, things passed down from your parents to you, can clog these tubes. When they get clogged, it\'s hard for them to get enough blood to your heart.
Given that you\'re only 16, it\'s really not likely that you have coronary artery disease, though heart problems can be genetic. Are you on any medications? What \"weird stuff\" has your heart been doing? Are you overweight or underweight? Do you eat a lot of junk food? Do you have family history of heart problems?
There are a lot of possibilities as far as what\'s wrong with your heart. Without more information no one can so much as guess at a diagnosis.
Please, please, please see a doctor if you\'re worried.
DO NOT try to self-diagnose!

Siren

Q: Do they last longer than other laptop brands?
Oh dear. Technology is NOT one of my areas of knowledge. Whatsoever. At all. I have a Dell laptop, which I do not recommend. I have friends who have MacBooks and quite like them, but I think you might get better response to your question if you ask the whole site, not just me. If anything I'm vaguely technologically impaired...

Siren

Q: okay so im in voice. and we have a recital coming up in april. my voice usually sounds good but right now my voice sounds really congested and my throat is very dry. and im having to clear my throat every minute. it sucks. yes I have allergies and right now its kinda making me mad because I sound horrible. I was wondering if you knew of any home remedies I could try
Ouch. I know the feeling. Especially with the weather fluctuations around this time of year. I've literally had days where I wake up with a perfectly warmed up voice, and then days where I end up speaking like an octave lower than normal.

First - Stop clearing your throat!! The agitation produces more phlegm to protect your throat and makes your voice sound even muddier. It's gonna turn into you drinking a lot of water, but every time you want to clear your throat, take a drink instead - just a small sip. You might consider cutting out dairy until your recital as well, AND caffeine. Dairy will coat your throat, and caffeine is very dehydrating.

One of my favorite tricks is to melt some kind of herbal cough drop (Ricola natural ones are good) into a mug of herbal mint tea - nothing too hot, after the cough drop melts put an ice cube or two in to cool down the tea.
Breathing steam might help loosen things up a little bit, relax your muscles.
Some people find that lemon juice in their water or herbal tea helps cut through phlegm built up by allergies or post-nasal drip, but I find the acidity in the lemon makes it worse for me.
I've also found that room temperature water is ideal for my voice. Water that's too cold or too hot changes the sound! Vocal chords are muscles - you have to warm them up and stretch them and sometimes rest them, or be gentle when they're giving you trouble. You wouldn't put ice on a knee right before running, right? Neither would you put a hot compress on it before a jog. You'd walk a little bit, stretch a bit, get your body moving, let the muscles warm up slowly, and then get going. It's the same thing with voice.

These are my personal remedies. I hope they help! Feel free to let me know what you tried/if it helped/if it didn't.

Siren

Q: 20/f
I would like to state that I am a 20 year old adult. I cut and have since I was 13. I'm not depressed but am going through a very stressful time. I know this issue may be more common in younger teenagers but I'm an adult and am not in the same mentality as a younger individual so, please take that into consideration to those of you who are kind enough to help me. when I was younger I tried to seek help but with my experience asking for help did more harm than good so i haven't told anyone since I was 13. This issue has carried on with me and hasn't gone away and I don't know how to stop. I've tried many times to stop but all I have managed to do is get better control over it at times. I've thought about going to counseling but am scared because of my prior experience and wonder if it is even necessary. i have a hard time sleeping without cutting because I feel so overwhelmed. sometimes when I do I'm happy. I don't understand why I do or why I cant stop.
Thank you for the help

Melody is right on track with acknowledging cutting as an addiction. The thing about addictions is that they become part of us; habits that we have to make a choice to unlearn, or at least to change or adjust. The fact that you've managed to get better control over the cutting at times is commendable for sure.

I'm a little unclear on this part, though:
"sometimes when I do I'm happy."
Do you mean that cutting makes you feel happy, or that you're sometimes happy when you feel the urge to cut?
If you mean that cutting makes you feel happy, that's normal - it releases endorphins, which are a feel-good neurotransmitter. Basically, those are your body's natural painkiller.
If you mean you're sometimes happy when you feel the urge and it isn't just stress or other "negative" emotions that are a trigger, I believe that speaks to the habitual nature of the addiction. I know I sound coldly clinical right now, but I think you could use some hard facts right now. I personally always handle things better when I understand what it is I'm dealing with.

Take a look at this: http://www.problemgambling.ca/en/resourcesforprofessionals/pages/stagesofchangemodel.aspx
This is essentially the cycle of how we change behavior. Melody's advice to do something else that produces endorphins is excellent. That's why I run. Maybe running isn't your thing, though - try something else physical. Get your heart pounding for a minute or two and see if you can't stop yourself from cutting, even just that one time.
Realize that this is a process, and that it will not happen overnight... which is the reason I have to tell you that for something like this, you DO need a therapist. But as those before me have mentioned, you need someone you click with. I've actually seen I think twelve different therapists since I was 14. A few of them changed offices or moved and I chose not to follow them, but there were a few of them that were just not what I needed or wanted. If you ever just don't click with a therapist, that's more than enough reason to try to find someone else.

Anyway. I could type your ear off, but I don't want to overwhelm you with information or babble. If you have any questions about anything I've written here, or about the stages of change model, please feel free to drop a question in my inbox.

I hope this was helpful. You ARE strong enough to change this. You just need the right guidance.

Siren

Q: 18/f

I love my boyfriend very much. But he's been putting himself down all the time. He complains about how fat he is or how weak he is, ect. He doesn't feel like a man. He isn't fat, and he is very strong but he just doesn't see it.
I know this is all because of our society and I know women deal with this too but I really don't know how to be more supportive.
He goes to the gym more often, he doesn't want to have a little snack like a cookie or something. If he does, he puts himself down.

I love him and I don't want him to feel this way and feel the need to do this to himself. I tell him that he's amazing but he obviously doesn't believe it.
Is there anything I can do?
Thanks for the help.
I agree with Dragonflymagic. There really isn't much that you can do to help him with this.

Awful truth is that you're correct, he seems to have fallen into society's self-esteem vacuum/trap, and is judging himself based on other people. But it's not their view of him, it's HIS view of himself.

To remedy this does take a conscious effort. He may not need to go so far as to go to therapy, but that isn't a bad idea either. As his girlfriend, there's even less you can do because you're "biased."
What he needs to do is decide that he wants to feel better about himself. Once he's done that - REALLY decided - he can start taking steps to be aware of when he's beating himself up unnecessarily. Once he's aware, he can catch himself, and stop himself from doing it. Eventually, it'll become a habit not to beat himself up, and he'll be okay.
But the problem is that he's content in his misery right now. He'd rather hate himself and down-talk himself than work at actually feeling good about himself, for whatever reason. This is probably deeper than just the way he looks to himself.

The best thing you can do is try to show him that you understand, and be there for him if and when he wants to make the change. He may not. And you can't make him. Frankly it sucks. You can try explaining to him what we've told you about cognitive behavioral therapy. You're a better judge than we are as far as if it would make him worse.
Keep up what you're doing and try to hang in there. If you have any further CBT questions feel free to inbox me and I'll do my best to help.

Siren

Q: I am deeply in love with my teacher, I am obsessed with her and crave her immensely. She is such a beautiful and perfect lady and I know she likes me as a person and student.

She is about 26 or 27 and I am 16. I fantasize about her all the time, I go out of my way to walk past her room or see her, check out her Facebook page all the time to see her pictures, and I can't stand the thought of not being with her.

I was thinking of one day staying after class at the end of the day for help and then when no one is around just grab her and kiss her on the lips and caress her body. I will also have my sister and one of my friends stand outside near the door so he can look out if anyone is coming. Also to immediately close the door when I go for it and then open it again after.

another way of doing this is this way. Disguise myself with a mask and change of clothes. Rush in and blindfold her and then start kissing her. However, this seems like more of a risk than the first way since she won't be so surprised if I come in as myself and talk to her normally first

some reasons why this can work

If she tells anyone about it I will just say she did it to me and they will likely believe me since I am the young one and still considered a child so what could she possibly do?

I hear just a claim from a student would immediately cause a teachers career to be over.

And would she really want to spend money on lawyers and crap with her teacher salary? And also have to go through a whole investigation and her name being everywhere?

. She can also be kind of flirty sometimes with her male students so therefore it won't be hard for people to believe she is the one that came on to me if I need to tell that story.

I'm also not the type of person people would believe would do anything so rash.

Also, if she goes against me without any proof she might look like a bully.

Also, I won't tell anyone anything unless I can tell she is thinking about telling someone first


some have made some counters saying the plan won't work, I think though these criticisms have no weight

-they say that they would believe her and not me. But the thing is though she will have no EVIDENCE, or witnesses. So I find this hard to believe they will automatically go after me just on her word. If this was true, what is to stop any teacher from telling that a student did something inappropriate and getting them in trouble?

-they say the police will be called in to question me and make me take a lie detector test. First, I don't think it will have to go that far since again there is no evidence. Also, I already know that lie detector tests are considered unreliable and are not used in court.

-they say she will be more than willing to go through with pressing charges and getting lawyers and stuff to defend herself. But the thing is if she doesn't tell anyone then she won't have to in the first place. And it is not just the money, she will have to deal with the whole investigation and publicity and having this all being gossiped about

I will also make sure there are no cameras or anything in the room in advance, and if there are I will call this off. Also, I will make sure there is nobody else around so there will be no witnesses. We will take a look at the area and plan everything in advance. I think this is a fool proof plan. I wish it didn't have to be this way but I am too obsessed with her to the point where it is affecting my life and can't stand the thought of not doing something with her, it is killing me, my heart pounds just thinking about her
Just the fact that you are trying so desperately to convince us that your plan will work should tell you something.

If and when an obsession gets to the point of interfering with your life, you need to get help with understanding and dealing with your feelings, NOT to create elaborate schemes to satisfy your urges. That last bit is how rapists and serial killers operate, and batterers. I'd like to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're none of those, but know that you are headed down that road if you begin this journey and assume zero responsibility for the CHOICES you are making - and what's more, try to place responsibility on another person.

You MUST stop this selfish plotting against your teacher, making assumptions about the choices she'll make in regards to your actions, and creating this elaborate mental chess game you're so certain you'll win.
You are a boy, and a very naive one at that. She is an adult, and has had much more life experience. Do not imagine that you'll know if she's thinking about doing or saying something before you have the opportunity. Trust me, women can lie just as convincingly.

I'm sorry to go on and on, but honestly, why would you imagine they would believe you over her? Yes, a student's claim would be damaging, but what they would consider is, why would she, happy in her career, take such a risk as to do something with a CHILD and ruin everything for herself? I know that I, personally, as a professional, will continue to meet clients who are good people and whose lives I would love to be a part of, were I not their therapist. But being their therapist means that I have a MORAL and ETHICAL obligation to keep our relationship professional, and nothing more. That, and honestly if I had to choose between my career and love, I know where my decision would lie. If anyone tried to sabotage that for me, I would do whatever it took to hang onto everything that I have worked for. If you care about her at all, you will drop this. If you have any self-worth, you will drop this.

Regardless. Bottom line is you need help dealing with your urges. There's no shame in it. Talk to your school counselor before you make a stupid decision and ruin both of your lives.
Please.
I recognize these obsessive thought patterns as potentially dangerous, and they concern me. You are on a slippery slope, my friend. Do NOT go down this path. Please, please do what you need in order to stop this before it gets worse. If you have any questions, inbox me, or my screen name is SirenCytherea on AIM. Just mention you found me here.

Siren

Q: My neighbor and I are really close. She is 14 and is expecting twins...I know its sad but we have been trying to make the best out of this that we can. The babies last name will be Nobles and she asked me to help her name them, since her boyfriend decided that she could pick. What are some good full names that would flow well and sound right with the last name Nobles?
I know this isn't exactly what you asked for, but you and your neighbor should check out www.babynames.com. You can find cute, popular, and meaningful names that way. I do agree with the poster who said it isn't cute to name twins similarly.

A couple things to keep in mind... as much as I hate to say it, kids are mean. They can and will tease children in any way possible. My parents didn't name me "Idet" or whatever the spelling of it was, because they didn't want people calling me "idiot." Catch my drift?

Also remember these are names these children will carry into adulthood, so while a name might seem cute or cool, or unique, something "normal" might be a good idea.

Some names that sound like they flow to me...
Boys:
Benjamin
Jameson
Alexander
Nicholas
Nathaniel (though I'm personally hesitant about the double-N thing.)

Girls:
Alissa
Jillian
Bethany
Lydia
Melissa
Natalie

Siren

Q: For a long time I haven't been able to feel anything meaning emotions . I really don't know what it is anymore I make myself think I feel emotions. But now I'm jst not happy at all anymore. I want to tell someone cause I can't even cry when i think of something sad. Maybe its cause my whole life I've been put down called fat ,stupid , & a lot more. I've had boyfriends but they never worked out. I'm just lost with everything at this point. I research about what I'm going though and anti-social personality disorder is the only thing that came up. I read about it & it kinda sounds like me. I've always felt like this but now its just getting worse. What I do.?
Antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) is described by the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, fourth edition (DSM-IV-TR), as an Axis II personality disorder characterized by "...a pervasive pattern of disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others that begins in childhood or early adolescence and continues into adulthood." That is, people with ASPD tend to lack empathy, and not only have the ability to harm others (or themselves) with no remorse, but often do so. ASPD is also known as sociopathy/psychopathy. I have the feeling this is an incorrect diagnosis for you.

I'd agree with the general consensus that rather than a blatant disregard for others' basic human rights, or harming animals without feeling remorse or empathy, you are experiencing a form of clinical depression.
MoRuthless is correct in that some depression is situation-oriented, and the sufferer can, in fact, pull him/herself out of the rut, but clinical (that is, chemical) depression is different, and stems from a true chemical imbalance.
It's not "the blues," or what most people consider feeling depressed, it's a numbness, and exactly what you described. You can't really feel, you have thoughts of worthlessness and helpless/hopelessness.
I wholeheartedly agree that if this is what you're feeling, rather than trying to diagnose yourself, go see a professional. Tell them what you've told us. If nothing else, at least see your general doctor/primary care physician and tell him (or her). He can refer you to a psychiatrist, if necessary, and you may be able to get the help you need.
But do leave the diagnosing to the professionals.

Siren

Q: you said "student teacher relationships" are inappropriate. If was 18 and graduated I would no longer be her student!
You are correct. Regardless, though, she has a boyfriend; she is unavailable to you. Get your frustrations out in ways that do not involve her, and let her go.

Siren

Q: I have a huge crush on my math teacher, she is young and extremely hot and I like her personality. She is 28 and I am 17. Unlike other sissies, I went and told my teacher at the end last year my attraction to her and how she is the girl of my dreams. She said "Come back when you're 18 and graduated" that must mean she was willing to go out with me after I graduate! I was so excited, but now, just six months or so before I graduate, I find out she has a boyfriend! What? , I am so sad and angry and jealous now, I feel sick. She might as well have stabbed me, it would have hurt less. Why would she trick and betray me like this? I feel I need to retaliate or confront her in some way
I'm with Razhie.
Student/Teacher relationships that go beyond the classroom are inappropriate, hands down. There was no betrayal that happened here. She wasn't clear maybe, that she was being sarcastic. Really, she shouldn't have been sarcastic, and should have just said "I'm sorry, but that would be inappropriate." But she didn't. However, that doesn't mean that she lied to or tricked you.

Do not retaliate against her or confront her; you would only get in trouble.
Write her a letter, tell her everything you're feeling and thinking and how much she hurt you. Swear at her, call her every name you can think of, and don't apologize. Once that letter is written, burn it. Rip it to shreds, bury it in your backyard. Do whatever you want with it, but DO NOT send her the letter. Just work on sorting your feelings out in the meantime.

Siren

Q: My friend Hannah smokes ALOT of pot and it is so concerning. Im 18 and she is 20. Yes, she is old enough to make her own decisions, but at the same time, I don't want to hang out with someone thats on the benefit (gets money from the government), sits at home with her boyfriend in bed all day, every day and just smokes pot. Me and my friend had to literally go and get her from her house just to get her out of the house. I have tried talking to her 10000000 times about it and it just turns into an argument. Im just at the point like 'this is useless' and give up. What do I do!!!!
Well, you said yourself that she's old enough to make her own decisions.
Maybe your next conversation with Hannah should be that you aren't going to try to help her anymore. As in, let her know that she does, in fact, need help, but you're done, and BE done.
If she's not going to listen to you, and she's going to actually argue against your attempts to help her, she's not ready to accept help or change her ways. Let her know, though, that should she choose to seek help, you will be there for her.
I'm sure she'll be happy for awhile, since you won't be there to tell her "no," but after that initial happiness occurs, there'll be a "hey... I don't see my friend anymore. What happened?" and other such slow realizations on her part.
Honestly, there's nothing you can do to to force her to fix this. It has to come from her, at this point, and you need to move on with your life for now.
Best of luck to you. Feel free to contact me on Skype or AIM as SirenCytherea is my screen name, or inbox me here, and I'll respond.
Hang in there; Happy new year.
Siren

Q: I've posted other poems about love and my nan passing, this poem is about my first ever pet. hope you enjoy.please post honest comments. =)

They were all so similar,but exeedingly cute
Finley,Fred,Lucky and Loot (it was a name it also fits in)
Then there you was in the corner, moody from tail to jaw
Hissing and scratching,showing tiny every claw.

The name Lilly did'nt suit you, they are pretty and small
And you was a killer. As social as the floor.
“I want that one” I say and point to the green eyed beast.
“no way” mom says not impressed the least.
with a chuckle dad says “that ones got spirit!”
So he chased you around you acting like a whippet.

We grew together,you and I
Me and my cat, together but why?
Love is the answer,once its there thats it
Run,shout and hide but us you can't split
Now I miss you you see
your fiesty little ways
You had'nt cutenes as a power
But you were my flower.

I'm sorry, maybe I'm being rude with this, but this is a site for advice, not feedback on poems. If you want feedback on your writing from other writers, you might start posting on poetry.com, or other such sites. Fictionpress.com; Deviantart.com. All these sites are appropriate places to post poetry and other works of writing or art, and they all draw people to comment and provide feedback to the posters. This site is more for people to give advice for tough situations or questions.

I am a writer, but I often feel ill-equipped to give feedback on poetry, as what sticks out to me are the things that need work or correction, rather than what's good, so take what I say with a grain of salt, please, and do read to the end. I'm very critical - but you did ask for honesty. So...
Exeedingly is spelled "Exceedingly."

"Then there you was in the corner..." and "And you was a killer" are both incorrect: it should be "were," not "was." The two are the same number of syllables, but one is grammatically correct, while the other is not.

Some of your similes also don't work for me. "As social as the floor," for example, confuses me greatly. The floor is an inanimate object; it neither has the capacity to be social or unsocial. Comparing the social proclivity of the cat to something like a snake, or a fish - living things that are typically not social animals - might make more sense and improve the imagery here.

"'no way,' mom says, not impressed in the least" is the correctly punctuated form of that sentence. Note that I added the word "in," as well.

"did'nt" should also be "didn't"; the same idea with "had'nt," which should be "hadn't". and please add spaces after your commas like you did after "cat" in the last stanza.

This one I'm not criticizing, because I truly don't understand - how does one act like a whippet? What is a whippet? As a side note, this sentence needs a comma (So he chased you around, you acting like a whippet), or it needs to be reworked. Or possibly removed. Poetry doesn't necessarily need to rhyme. If it fits, it fits, but forcing a rhyme is both obvious and unappealing to the reader.

Just a couple final corrections: "Feisty," not "fiesty." "once it's there, that's it." "Now I miss you, you see."

I do like the connection you made to the name Lilly not fitting, but that she was your flower; she fit with you. It speaks to the special relationship you must've had with her. As a cat-mama myself, I know how special that love is. I enjoy the idea of this poem, but the language needs some adjustment.
Good luck.

Siren

Q: I've been writing for years and a lot of people tell me that I should get published and at first I was weary because my writing wasn't all that fantastic, but I know I've improved enough to try getting published and I think I prefer self-publication over finding an agent and getting cycled through the whole process. I know I need to have money to start publication, but how much should I start with?
I plan to sell my first few books at a convention next year, so it won't start out as big and I also want to maybe use the profits to start a website where people can order it.
But my question is how should I go about starting this off? I've looked up how-tos, but a lot of them are a little confusing and I'm not sure who to talk to in order to begin the self-publishing process. Does anyone have any tips or ideas of how I can get started?
Thank you!
A friend of mine has been working with CreateSpace to self-publish. https://www.createspace.com/
They have several packages from which you can choose. This company allows you to work with real people to edit your work and help you create a cover and everything.
I will warn you though that the self-publishing practice is very pricy - along the lines of a couple thousand for a good publishing package. You might also look into publishing through Amazon.com as an e-book. I believe people can purchase those for their Kindles and the like.
I hope this is helpful to you. There's really no wrong way to self-publish, if what you want to do is publish your writing. If you want someone to help you edit your manuscript and whatnot, make sure the package you choose includes editing. If you have someone who wants to help, let them, but keep in mind that this is YOUR writing, and your message. You never HAVE to do what an editor suggests. :)
Good luck!

Siren

Q: thank you so much for your perfect advice.i feel like crying now.. he s so sweet and so much lovable.am the world according to him.but he s being so much harsh to me and talking like hating me if i do some mistakes which will not be a mistake at all from my point of you..but still he loves me truely even i can't stop caring him and he too can't since we belong to same class we care for each other however we fight the day before.he suffered a lot and changed his department and came to my department to take care of me leaving all his close friends and here he is suffering a lot because he has no good and true friends for him..because of me only he is suffering here..how to leave this kind of person??and now how he is going to bear this decision of leaving him??i don't want to see him crying at the same time i have to lead happiest life without any problems.. please give advice
They're always lovable. That's what makes leaving them so difficult.
But listen to me - you are NOT the bad guy, here, for wanting to be happy. Even if he wasn't abusive, and you were unhappy for some other reason, that's enough cause to leave a relationship. He may be suffering and far from his friends, but you are NOT the reason. You can't control his choices; he made the choice to come to your department to take care of you.
I understand that there's a cultural difference between you and I, and forgive me if I sound ignorant, but I believe that no woman needs a man to take care of her. Certainly no woman needs to be beaten by the man who's supposed to be taking care of her.

It sounds to me like you've made a decision. Now here are some things you should know:
Because you two are so near one another, you may indeed see him being sad. He may make sure that you see how much pain "you've" caused him by leaving him in hopes that you'll come back.
And realistically, honestly, I'll tell you that you're not going to be happy right away. In fact, you may very well be miserable and feel that you've made a huge mistake.

You MUST remember this: You love part of him. He deserves - just as you do - to be loved completely. You only love the man who cares for you. You do not love the man who beats you, but these are one and the same man right now. Please don't settle for half a man.

As for my perfect advice, you're very sweet. Thank you. I'll tell you something, though. If my advice seems perfect for what you're feeling, it's because I've been in your situation. I had my own Jekyll and Hyde to deal with. If you want my whole story, read "To Love a Batterer" in 3 parts: http://drisisrene.hubpages.com/hub/To-Love-a-Batterer
That's my blog, and my story. Believe me, you are not alone, nor will you really be if you do make the choice to leave him.
If anything I've said here is unclear, or if you just need to talk, feel free to send me another question here, or if you have AIM, my screen name is SirenCytherea, and I'd be happy to talk to you. Just let me know you found me here.
You're stronger than you think you are. Take the step, find happiness.

Siren

Q: hi dear!!am 20 years old female(India). one boy loves me sincerely.even i do..he is so much possessive.. he will not let me to talk with any other boys because of his possessiveness..but sometimes i hate him because of this attitude because i will not be able to talk to any other boys even though i think they are my good friend.... he always cares for my proper dressings..always he warns me to dress up neatly..i assure you i always dress up neatly..sometimes without my knowledge my shawl can move aside.. but he never forgive me for that.. always he scolds me in public that i wanted to adjust my shawl..even he has bet me once in our bus-stop before all because of this shawl matter.. i was so much hurt when i asked for the reason crying he said i bet you because your shawl was not proper and so happy that i have full rites to beat you since you are my wife like that he said...also if i put mobile in silent mode then if he is not able to contact me he will get more tension and scolds me like a hell... all these silly matters hurts me a lot.. but still he loves me he cares for me like heaven..he is in true love with me... whenever he scolds me i feel like hating him and i feel like i lost my life totally..Even though i think to leave him my heart is not allowing me..am suffering to see him lonely..because he has no friends in college...what should i do???is this kind of love important??always it ends up with a fight whenever i think to be happy with him... i cant lead a good life..he is the person who can do anything for me.he is my family friend too..am the girl always wanted to be happy..always i should feel free..i hate anyone who comple me to do something..but in this love am happening to sacrifice many things..if i change my character and sacrifice all the things for my guy,wil i be able to be happy?? if i decide to leave him,there will be no one for me who cares for me but at the same time i wanted to be happy..what should i do??please help and advice me....
I agree with the columnists below me completely.

He may very well love you - or think that he does - but a person who loves another person does NOT treat a person like he's treating you. That's not okay, and the things that you've called "silly matters" are not silly. He's controlling, possessive, and abusive, and things will only get worse down the road. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if he thinks it's all right to hit you in public now because your shawl had moved, what will he do in the privacy of your home? If you have children with him, do you think he wouldn't be possessive and controlling of them, too, to the point of abuse?
At this point, he's figured out that he can treat you like he owns you, and he can hit you, and you'll stay.

This man demonstrates the "Jekyll and Hyde" phenomenon perfectly. You say he cares for you like heaven and he loves you and can do anything for you. That's the nice side of him. That's the side you love, that you want to be with.
Then he turns into Hyde, the mean guy who hits you and embarrasses you and controls you like he owns you. You're a person, not his property. You don't want to be with Hyde. You want Jekyll. The problem is, with guys like him, that he truly is BOTH of these characters. You cannot have one without the other. If he was never kind and loving, you'd have left already. If he was never mean, you wouldn't be in this situation and you'd be happy. But you're not; you're scared. You're scared of HIM. A woman, no matter what culture, should never have to be afraid of her husband. If you aren't happy with both Jekyll and Hyde, then you need to get out of this relationship.

I don't mean to be harsh, but if he has no friends in college, it's his own problem. If he can't make friends, maybe it's because he's learned it's okay to act like this. You're not doing him any favors by staying. His behavior needs some serious correcting and, unfortunately, he may only learn that by losing everyone and everything.

As to your question, the answer is no. If you change for him, you won't be happy. You may be alone for awhile, but trust me - being alone is better than being beaten for a crooked shawl.
You don't need to get out of depression. You need to get out of this relationship, and find a man who is ONE person - not two.

Please do what's right for you, in order for you to be happy. No relationship is worth this pain.

Siren

Q: So I'm a bit of a body language enthusiast and he's hitting all the marks: dilated pupils, flirtatious body language, like by the book, he's showing all the body language that indicates that he likes me. Thing is he never texts me and said he'd never date someone younger (I'm younger by 2 years). But he may have been joking/teasing, I'm not really sure...
But anyway, those two little things right there are making me believe that I am just reading him wrong and that he doesn't really like me...and then I remember one day I told him we should watch a movie together and he said "I'd really like that" but we never really finalized plans. And one day I dropped a folded piece of paper with writing on it, and he jokingly asked if it was a love note....

So what gives? I'm so confused and I'd like to know someone else's opinion before I start developing deeper feelings for him.
And I mean deeper feelings as in reciprocating the attraction, not anything that crazy....
Thanks in advance!
Oh, and I'm an 18 year old girl.
Remember two things:
1. Actions speak louder than words.
2. There's always some truth in jest.

I've always said I'd never date a younger guy, but my current guy is younger than me, and this is the best relationship I've ever been a part of. I tried to use that as one of my rules (because it has been), along with several reasons not to like him, and here we are 11 months later.

Honestly, when you like someone, you like someone. If you're REALLY self-aware, you can maybe talk yourself out of the crush, but most people don't do that. It looks to me like he likes you. Follow through with a movie night. Flirt with him. Sent him a text. You can't get anywhere unless you try!

Siren

Q: First of all I'm 18 but I've always been into guys who were older than me and I've been told I'm very mature for my age by a lot of people.

I went on a dating site a month ago because I chose not to date in high school rather to focus on my grades,competitions and volunteer hours. I talked to quite a few men but none of them really interested me and a lot of them just sounded like they were out to sleep with somebody.

Then I met this guy who seems so perfect for me.
He's 28 but he looks younger than that as he stays physically fit and healthy. I've messaged him a lot and I also have his facebook with his family on it and I've talked to him on the phone for 5 hours so I know he's real.

We have so much in common that it's crazy and it's not like he just agrees with what I say to make me feel good, whatever topic we're talking about no matter who brings it up we share a similar opinion on. We get along so well and have similar goals. He doesn't do any drugs which is awesome since neither do I and he only drinks on occasions which I think is okay even though I don't drink.


He has a great job with fantastic pay and already paid off a house (which he sent me photos of) which is a huge plus but of course it's more about his personality. He likes traveling which I also like and he's willing to move close to me to be with me long term. He doesn't want some fling either he wants to settle down with a girl,marry her and live life with her.

He really likes me and I like him a lot too which is rare since a lot of guys turn me off pretty fast. He doesn't want sex or anything from me other than for me to just be me.


Do you think I would be stupid to let this one go? I'm just afraid because there's been so many fake guys but I can tell he's being really honest. I've seen so many photos of him and his life now and we talked for a long time today on the phone so I feel good about it but of course I'm still being really cautious.

Do you think this may be the one?
Like the one I shouldn't let get away that I would be a fool to pass up?


I'm with Adviceman for the most part. I'm 24f. I've had both large and small age differences with guys I've dated, but I'll tell you that at this point in your life, you and he are in very different places. He's already established his life - he has a house, a career, and all he's missing is a partner to share it with.
You may be mature, but you're still 18. You're JUST starting out on your own. I didn't want to hear this when I was your age, but you still have a lot to figure out, and your own life and career to flesh out. By the looks of it, you're a strong, independent young woman with a great future ahead of you. I get the feeling being tied down and becoming a housewife for a successful man is not something that sounds appealing to you. (Please correct me if I'm wrong, and if I am, there's nothing wrong with that choice. Truly.)

Let me preface this paragraph by letting you know that I speak from experience here. I dated a significantly older guy who became physically abusive once I was under his roof. Now, I'm not saying all older guys are the same, or that this guy will be like this, or anything, but you asked, so these are just some things to keep in mind.
At 28, he should be looking for women his age, in the same or similar places in life - why is he attracted to an 18 year old girl (no offense meant)? Usually older men who are attracted to much younger women are either very emotionally immature, or are looking for someone to control. But of course, you won't know that unless you have one-on-one experience with him, or if you've experienced any red flags.
You're very intelligent to be cautious. I will say this, it sounds like you two may be compatible in your ideal lifestyles, but the bottom line is if it's meant to be that you two wind up together, you will. I don't see any harm in pursuing a meet-up (with friends, of course), but I wouldn't plan the wedding just yet.

By the by, if you're not sure what red flags of controllers and abusers are, inbox me... I've done a lot of research and had a lot of experience; I'd love to share it with you.

In short, go forth with open eyes, but an open heart, as well. :)

Siren

Q: i had many kisses with my boyfrend some times when he kis me he kisses on my neck alsoo but we had no sex just kiss so i dont want to get pregnent does it makes me pregnent
The columnist below me is correct that kissing does not get you pregnant - that requires unprotected sexual intercourse, which should not occur unless you're planning or ready to have a baby.

However, hickeys are NOT permanent. They are bruises, which heal. Granted, they can be embarrassing, but they can be placed anywhere, not just the neck. It's the vacuum created by sucking hard and breaking the capillaries (teeny tiny blood vessels) under your skin that causes hickeys.

Anyway, unless there's vaginal penetration going on, you're safe. Condoms are your best friend for anything involving sexual fluids, unless you're 100% sure (as in you've seen the test) that he's STD/STI-free.

Be safe; have fun!

Siren

Q: I'm a 19 year old female babysitter, and I know this is a big accusation, but I think the father of of the family is abusive to the mother and possibly children.

I just started working with this family and they have five kids. The mother is a very petite woman who strikes me as being anxious. Yesterday when I was there, the mother was trying to set up a rental crib for their 2 year old (they're on vacation) and it was a crappy piece of sh*t and one of the wheels came off. She was already very pissed off because she called the company and they were of no help, so when the 12 year old son came in the room and asked what to do with the wheel, she told him, "Use your head. It needs to be put back on the crib," I was standing right there, she wasn't aggressive with how she said it. Well the son threw the wheel on the ground and started screaming how he did nothing to her so why is she freaking out on him. It was frightening to see how aggressive he was toward his mother, and I bet you anything he got it from his father.

About ten minutes later, the father came storming into the room and kept telling her how mean she was and that their son did nothing to merit being scolded when he was just bringing back the wheel. He grabbed her arm and pulled her out into the hallway because he "needed to talk to her privately." while she said, "You're hurting me, let go!" He kept calling her mean and said she "better apologize". The way she responded to him was like a child trying to explain themselves to her father for being caught doing something wrong. The power he had over her was sick.

Then when they were unloading groceries and their daughter had three bags of chips in her hand, the father told her to put them down and go get more groceries from the car. He aggressively kept saying, "Put them down! Put them down! Put them down!" before she even had the chance to set them on the counter because it was covered in other groceries. There was no reason for him to act that way because she was in the process of doing it but he didn't even give her time.

Does this sound like a possibly abusive situation to anyone else? What should I do? I'm only babysitting for them for just one week before they go back home.
The columnists before me have had some great suggestions for you, but I have a couple things to add.

First and foremost, yes, your safety must be your first priority. That being said, IF you decide that the situation warrants a call to the police, tell them that you need to remain anonymous. If this father is really abusive as he seem to be, he could go after you. Not necessarily physically, but appearances are everything with these men. He'd sue you for slander, and as much as (if you're anything like me) you'd like to save the family, it's best not to get involved.

HOWEVER...
If you see marks on anyone, the mother included, ask about them. Use your instincts here. Five fingertip-shaped bruises on someone's arm are not likely to be from falling. Legally, if you witness physical abuse, you need to report it to the appropriate authorities (Police, or Child Protective Services, depending). Unfortunately, emotional abuse and fear-mongering is much more difficult to prove.
I am in agreement with the columnist who mentioned that the mother will probably defend the father and deny abuse. There's a disengagement of morals that occurs within abusive relationships and perpetuates the behavior on part of both the victim and the perpetrator. Talk to your supervisor, maybe (and ask them to keep your name out of it), or put an anonymous call into the authorities next time they get loud. That way the blame can't be traced back to you.

Keep legality and ethics in mind while you're in this situation, but above all be careful, and be safe.
Be smart. Trust your gut.

Siren

Q: i was very very deeply hurt by a person 4 years back ,i have no contact with him for past 2 years,but now i heard that he got ms orthopaedics in good college,on hearing this i felt jealousy and unhappy,sad.i am 25 years old.i am from india.i am doing md community medicine .initially i was content with my career but now i felt discontent by comparing with him like that he will earn more money,he will get more recognition,approval than me.need advice
I totally hear where you're coming from.
You can't let this guy get to you. He may be in some "well-known," prestigious college, but he could be at the bottom of his class. You, in what could be a slightly easier program or less well-known college, have the opportunity to excel. It's entirely possible that you'll get a better education, and be a better doctor.

Regardless, don't compare yourself to him. You're two different people headed down different paths in life. You're free of him - you no longer have to feel hurt by him, so don't let his place in life cause you pain.

I know, easier said than done. On some level, you have to trust that those who harm others will pay. Karma, or whatever you believe in, will come back to bite this person at some point in the future. Hopefully you'll get to hear about it, but have a little faith.

As for the recognition/approval issue, the people who really matter and who love you WILL approve. You can make your own recognition in your field by being truly passionate about what you do, and being good at it. Trust me. You don't have to go to the best medical school in the country to be a good doctor or be recognized. Have a little faith in yourself!

Things will work out. He'll get his comeuppance, and you'll excel. In the meantime, relax and enjoy yourself. Don't worry so much about what's going on with people who don't belong in your life.

Siren

bio
Siren_Cytherea
I'm a laid-back 26 year old with a Psychology BA, starting my MA program, and working my way into the field as quickly as I can. It took me an extra Bachelor's degree (in vocal performance and creative writing) to figure it out, but I was put on this Earth to help, to heal, and to love.

I have made the decision to dedicate my life and career to helping others. I am here to do just that.

I've been a member since 2004, and since I signed up, I've gone through quite a lot and learned quite a lot from it. I'm here to give guidance where I had none; no one should have to go through the difficulties I went through alone.

Feel free to visit my website/blog, if you want to read my experience with domestic violence and my thoughts on it.

***While I do tend to answer mental health and other health-related or medicine-related questions, I am by NO MEANS a licensed physician or practitioner of any sort. Any and all advice I give for these questions is from my own experience or studies.***

If you need to get a hold of me quickly, my screen name on AIM is SirenCytherea. Just let me know you found me here.

I'm a strong believer in the idea that there are no stupid questions except the ones left unasked, so, please, keep an open mind, heart, and mouth.

Siren

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