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Is this poem ok?
I've posted other poems about love and my nan passing, this poem is about my first ever pet. hope you enjoy.please post honest comments. =)
They were all so similar,but exeedingly cute
Finley,Fred,Lucky and Loot (it was a name it also fits in)
Then there you was in the corner, moody from tail to jaw
Hissing and scratching,showing tiny every claw.
The name Lilly did'nt suit you, they are pretty and small
And you was a killer. As social as the floor.
“I want that one” I say and point to the green eyed beast.
“no way” mom says not impressed the least.
with a chuckle dad says “that ones got spirit!”
So he chased you around you acting like a whippet.
We grew together,you and I
Me and my cat, together but why?
Love is the answer,once its there thats it
Run,shout and hide but us you can't split
Now I miss you you see
your fiesty little ways
You had'nt cutenes as a power
But you were my flower.
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Want to answer more questions in the Domesticity category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Pets?
I'm sorry, maybe I'm being rude with this, but this is a site for advice, not feedback on poems. If you want feedback on your writing from other writers, you might start posting on poetry.com, or other such sites. Fictionpress.com; Deviantart.com. All these sites are appropriate places to post poetry and other works of writing or art, and they all draw people to comment and provide feedback to the posters. This site is more for people to give advice for tough situations or questions.
I am a writer, but I often feel ill-equipped to give feedback on poetry, as what sticks out to me are the things that need work or correction, rather than what's good, so take what I say with a grain of salt, please, and do read to the end. I'm very critical - but you did ask for honesty. So...
Exeedingly is spelled "Exceedingly."
"Then there you was in the corner..." and "And you was a killer" are both incorrect: it should be "were," not "was." The two are the same number of syllables, but one is grammatically correct, while the other is not.
Some of your similes also don't work for me. "As social as the floor," for example, confuses me greatly. The floor is an inanimate object; it neither has the capacity to be social or unsocial. Comparing the social proclivity of the cat to something like a snake, or a fish - living things that are typically not social animals - might make more sense and improve the imagery here.
"'no way,' mom says, not impressed in the least" is the correctly punctuated form of that sentence. Note that I added the word "in," as well.
"did'nt" should also be "didn't"; the same idea with "had'nt," which should be "hadn't". and please add spaces after your commas like you did after "cat" in the last stanza.
This one I'm not criticizing, because I truly don't understand - how does one act like a whippet? What is a whippet? As a side note, this sentence needs a comma (So he chased you around, you acting like a whippet), or it needs to be reworked. Or possibly removed. Poetry doesn't necessarily need to rhyme. If it fits, it fits, but forcing a rhyme is both obvious and unappealing to the reader.
Just a couple final corrections: "Feisty," not "fiesty." "once it's there, that's it." "Now I miss you, you see."
I do like the connection you made to the name Lilly not fitting, but that she was your flower; she fit with you. It speaks to the special relationship you must've had with her. As a cat-mama myself, I know how special that love is. I enjoy the idea of this poem, but the language needs some adjustment.
Good luck.
Siren
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I agree with the other answer, your poem is very cute and fun to read but if your audience is aimed at older people, it is sort of childish with the rhyming. I like poems that really paint a picture, that make me actually see and feel. It is very cute though!
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I like the poem but while reading I felt as if you tried hard to rhyme.
You see, People can give opinions but no poetry is ever wrong. ;)
It is good but I may word it differently.
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