I have studied psychology though I am not a psychologist or a licensed counselor of any sort. I'm an artist and writer and teach both to small private groups. I have worked with counselors by using art and writing projects at workshops to encourage people to open up, and I have been recommended by therapists to their clients to take my classes to help them understand more about themselves and what all is going on in their lives through art and writing. Though I'm not an art therapist, I use many tools from art therapy and my own experiences gleaned from counseling. I have always had the desire to help people and I do it in any way possible. Hopefully I can be of some help to many of you!
E-mail: susana182006-extra@yahoo.com
Gender: Female
Location: Virginia
Occupation: artist & writer/teacher of both
Age: 52
Member Since: November 27, 2005
Answers: 116
Last Update: February 25, 2006
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Dear Susana
I have been diagnosed with Schizophrenia. I have had the illness since I was 20, or atleast that's when it was first diagnosed. I am 25 now. All of my close friends know about this, and treat me normally. I am on medication, and as long as I stay on my meds I can function normally. I am also living on a small disablity pension, because I can't work full time. I am allowed to work and make up to 400 dollars a months on top of my pension, but don't have to. I had been really active by volunteering at mental health and the food bank as a receptionist. I also do talks at the local highschools to students about having a mental illness.
Anyways, one of my "friends", or so I thought, did something really mean to me. He works at and owns a small cafe. He knows about my illness, and I THOUGHT was understanding. Anyways, I went in to visit him one day and he just went off on me, and started to say some really mean things. One of them was " so I guess you're just going to live off the system", and "arent you ever going to better your life". He also said it in a very mean and vindictive way. He was also the one to bring it up. I am perfectly happy with my life and am fullfilled. He started out by saying something ignorant like "so do your meds make you really wingy"? Then when I told him I wasnt planning on going back to work for a while, that is when he went off on me. He was so mean about it that I started to cry and left his cafe in tears. He never ran after me or apologized or phoned to see if I was okay.I also found out he was telling people what happened, but made it sound like I was the bad guy. It took me 3 weeks to finally settle down, and I decided to confront him face to face in his cafe. When I first went in, he saw me and smiled. But then when I told him that what he did to me really hurt me, and that I thought it was very judgemental, he GLARED at me and said "you needed to hear it!!". I started crying again and had to leave. All I wanted was an apology. I don't know what his problem is.
So my question to you is why do you think he's being such a jerk? We arent dating, were just friends. It's like he's trying to force me into employment when I'm not ready yet. It's not like I just sit on my ass all day, I do volunteer and keep busy and he knows this. Do you have any ideas at all why he would do this to me? And should I just give him some space, or tell him that I can't be friends with him anymore. He really hurt me. At one point I thought he might be interested in me romantically, but now I'm wondering differently.
Thankyou! (link)
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First I'd like to apologize for the long wait you've had for a response from me. For several days (as I'm sure you know) the site was unavailable, then I got sick. So I'm really sorry you had to wait.
Most especially I am REALLY sorry that this jerky "friend" of yours has caused you such undeserved grief! Unfortunately too many people do not understand mental disabilities nor do they understand the absolute necessity for disability pension in order to survive in an ever-changing world which it is when one suffers from a mental illness. I'm really happy for you that your meds seem to be helping you, but that does NOT take away from the fact that you still have an illness that people need to take seriously. Fortunately, from what you wrote, it sounds as though most of your friends are very supportive and understanding of your situation. It also sounds as though you are doing some marvelous things not only for yourself but for others. I'm referring to the volunteer work you do when you're up to it. Even volunteer work is WORK and it can be difficult to maintain when you have an illness - meds working well or not.
This guy DOES owe you an apology but it doesn't sound like you're apt to get one from him. The fact that he not only was offensive in his remarks to you but that he talked to other people about the incident proves to me that he is NOT the kind of person I would want to have as my friend. Perhaps, as he sees you better than you have been in the past, he has no real understanding of mental illnesses and the medications one must take to keep them under control. Maybe he is jealous of what he views as someone who does not "have to" work but can survive on her own with assitance and seems to HIM is well enough to work. Does that make sense? This only means that he is ignorant of many things and I am sorry for him. But this gives him NO right to come at you like he did and judge you for what you are doing to help yourself survive. You sound like a very strong woman who knows what you need to do and not do to make your life as even, comfortable, and "normal" as it should be FOR YOU! I don't know you, and I'm proud of you!
I know it's hard to let go of people who have been in our lives, especially as good friends. But I have learned that as the years go on, I learn from each and every person that comes into my life, even if I have to let them go at some point. Maybe there have been some wonderful things you've learned from this guy in the past? Maybe you could look at this whole incident as a learning experience: You were forced to see that what you are doing for yourself is the best thing for you and you don't need people in your life who are going to 1) judge you, 2) not be supportive of your needs, 3) not try to understand the full extent of what a mental illness can do to a person, and it doesn't necessarily come on consistently, 4) not "be there" when you most need them, and finally 5) talk about you to other people instead of dealing maturely with the situation directly with YOU.
If you had any romantic notions about this guy, I'd certainly be very glad to know NOW that he thinks the way he does. This is not the type of guy you would want as an intimate partner if he has no sensitivity or willingness to really understand your situation. I wish that he would apologize to you because he was obviously the "attacker." But again, I wouldn't expect that from him. My guess is that he is too into himself and his opinions to ever think that he needs to apologize to you. And even if he did, I wouldn't trust that he'd suddenly found insight into the whole situation.
If you don't want him out of your life completely, and you go into his cafe frequently, then just be prepared to have one or two lines to repeat over and over again to him if he asks you any questions or makes any uncalled-for statements. For example, you could repeat: "I'm here to enjoy your cafe and my friends. I'm not going to talk about this now or again. How are things with the cafe?" It may sound funny to repeat something like this over and over again, but believe me, it will get the point across. Do NOT allow yourself to get into a discussion with this man about your illness or your living/working situation. You know that what you are doing is good and RIGHT for YOU! In reality, you don't need anyone else's permission or acceptance to make this work for you. Yes, it makes life SO much easier when you have friends who DO accept and understand what you're doing. But remember, you DO have that in your life. But you do NOT need anyone's permission! And you certainly don't need anyone's judgment.
Good for you for working so hard at trying to make your life better! Surround yourself with loving, accepting people and you'll continue to be fulfilled and happy as you say you are now. Feel free to write to my e-mail address listed on my column if you want. I'd like to hear how you're doing. Right now, it sounds as though you're doing great! Good luck with everything.
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I suffer from a very strong case of depression. I go to a therapist every week just to make sure that I stay in check and everything, and on the days I don't go, I'm popping 2 anti-depressants a day and 2 B-vitamins as well. Well, my friends don't know all of this and they complain about my attitude sometimes when most of the time I just feel hurt and down (that and I'm very sensitive). How do I keep myself strong and happy infront of my friends when I just want to cry and be angry all of the time? Please, I'm a 13 year old girl and I just need some advice. (link)
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Hi. First of all, I'd like to give you my e-mail address which is soysusana@verizon.net and I want you to feel free to contact me anytime, okay?
Now, that out of the way, let me tell you that I am bipolar which means that I either have very depressed bouts or I am extremely manic. I absolutely know what it's like to feel ridiculously depressed AND I know what it's like to be on meds for these chemical imbalances. (By the way, ask your doctor about folic acid. My psychiatrist recommended that to me and I now take one pill a day. You'll find it with the vitamins in a drug store.)
There was a very long time when I did not talk about my illness with ANYONE except my therapists. Then one day I decided that maybe it would benefit me (and my relationships) if I were honest about what was going on with me. I have since let my good friends know about my depression and mania and man did it make a difference! They have been able to understand me more now than ever before, and more importantly I didn't feel as though I had to hide and make excuses. I don't recommend that you go into great detail with your friends. That's not necessary unless YOU want to do that. But you may find that your friends will be very supportive of you if you just let them know that you're going through a difficult time right now and are under a doctor's care. Let them know that you don't always "feel yourself" and that you'd like them to not take it personally when you are having trouble keeping up your spirits. Let them know it's not their fault, but that you need them to try to be understanding of your moods -- and say "moods," vs. attitude. I suggest this because your MOODS affect your attitude and maybe they will understand this a little better.
I suspect that you ARE very strong already. You can be overly sensitive (I am, unfortunately), but be a very strong person nevertheless. You are seeking counseling and taking medication to help you and that is being STRONG. It makes me so sad that you want to cry and are angry so much of the time. I really understand and I wish I could say magic words for you. Definitely keep talking to your therapist and talk to her or him about these feelings. I can't help but wonder if by keeping this "secret" from your closest friends you are making things worse on yourself because you are not allowing yourself a natural friendship outlet where you can talk about anything with your friends. Maybe this is beginning to take a toll on you? Maybe when your friends think you have a bad attitude and you know what's really going on inside your head, you feel resentful towards them and that makes you want to cry and be angry.
When a person is depressed, trying too hard to be happy and to act like all is well can make that person even more depressed. I wonder if that's happening to you? Do you trust your friends? Is there a specific reason you've chosen not to tell them anything at this point? I know some kids can be mean, but I'm hoping that your friends are not like that. If you do have trust issues with them, then I understand why you haven't talked to them. But, if you're embarrassed, then that's a different story. Sweetie, too many people have all sorts of problems - some obviously more severe than others. There is nothing about which you need to be embarrassed. And, teen depression is getting more and more attention these days, so it's not kept "in the closet" like it used to be. You may even find that your friends will open up to you a little more if you open the door by talking to them. You need to heal by using different methods. You need to be able to be yourself. You WILL be happy again. Trust me.
I can try to help you re-focus some of your depressed thoughts if you'd like. I'm not saying that your depression will just disappear. It won't. But since I know where you're coming from, maybe I can help if you're willing to talk to me a little more.
I want to help you more, especially with ways in which you can communicate with your friends. If you can, let me know a little more about them and how open-minded they are, okay? Because, if you choose to keep this a secret, we can try to work together on how you can deal better with them when you're with them.
Please write to me and see if you can answer some of my questions. I'd like to help you as much as I can. I really do care.
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I'm 15/f I like someone and of course since I'm the most stupidest person on earth it just happens to be my best guy friend. Whenever we talk I'm usually fumbling for words and he just seems so casual. Lately he's been noticing how different I am with him, and I think he's starting to figure out that I like him more then a friend. How do I keep my cool and talk to him like we're JUST friends again, even though I like him more than that? (link)
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OK, first off you're NOT the most stupid person on earth! Many of us really fall for our best guy friends because they so often hold the qualities we'd like to have in a boyfriend. It sounds like this has happened in your case and I don't blame you at all!
You didn't say whether or not your friend already has a girlfriend. Are you hesitant about telling him your feelings because 1) he has a girlfriend, or 2) you're afraid of ruining your friendship? If he already has a girlfriend, then definitely try to keep these feelings you're having at bay right now and then see what happens. When you're with him, just breathe evenly and speak a little slower if you have to just so that you don't feel so nervous. However, I suspect he doesn't have a girlfriend. Don't know why, but that's what I'm thinking...so, if he doesn't have a girlfriend, you might consider just talking to him and letting him know how you're feeling. I know this may be scary and that you probably are afraid that it will change your friendship even if you two don't end up getting together. However, it would seem to me that right now while you're trying to hold in your feelings and not having a lot of success with that (not a cristicsm, okay), PLUS you think that he's started to figure things out...the friendship could get a little strained just because of the tension. If this guy is really a good friend, then just try telling him that at this point you've realized that he's the type of guy you'd like to go out with and does he have any thoughts on that. Tell him that you want him to be honest with you. Let him know how much his FRIENDSHIP means to you and that you don't want to jeopordize it, but that you just need to work this through WITH him instead of on your own. Hopefully he'll be a good enough friend to talk to you honestly about this and the two of you can work it out together - whether you end up dating or not. Sure, it could be a little uncomfortable at first no matter what happens, but hopefully if you both keep the communication open, you'll get past that initial awkwardness.
I know you asked how you can keep your cool and just talk to him as a friend, trying to ignore your feelings. But personally, I don't think it's very healthy to ignore our feelings especially if someone else is beginning to suspect that something is going on. My guess is that no matter what you two decide to do, in the end you'll feel better for having talked to him and there will be some relief that it's out in the open. You won't have to wonder what he's thinking, and hopefully you'll get over that fumbling for words because you've allowed yourself to get something important off your chest. Meaning, I think it will be easier to talk to him once you get started than it has obviously been for a while now that you've discovered these feelings you have for him. And hey, don't beat yourself up!! This is a very typical, albeit uncomfortable, situation. Now BREATHE. And open up to your BEST guy friend. I think you'll be relieved after you do so.
Do let me know how it goes when - providing IF - you talk to him. I'm sending lots of good thoughts your way! Good luck.
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my best friend is a guy. he likes one f my friends and wants to ask her out. his last two girlfriends were horrible to him and i really want him to be happy. they are already friends and she is showing signs of liking him, though she tells me she doesn't like anyone and will tell me when she does. do you think there's a possibility that she likes him and won't tell me because i am so close to him?
also, he wants to ask her out soon. so i'm trying to help him come up with a really cute and romantic way. any ideas?
thank you. =). (link)
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I think I'd approach this situation cautiously. You might not want to really put yourself too much in the middle of this. For one thing, you want to see that your best friend is happy, yet if he's rejected by your girlfriend, then you'll probably feel bad for him and for encouraging him too much. For another thing, your girlfriend has already told you that she's apparently not interested in anyone at this time and will let you know when she is. OK, maybe she's not being completely honest with you because she doesn't want you to go back to your best friend and tell him her feelings. But you don't know.
One thing you could try would be to just be honest with your girlfriend and let her know that your best friend is interested in asking her out. Ask her how she would feel about that because you don't want to encourage your friend to ask her out if she would plan to turn him down. Don't play "hint" games with her, just come out and be honest. And don't push her. Then you'll need to be honest right back with your best friend and if this doesn't seem like it will work out, encourage him to look elsewhere.
Another suggestion, which would keep you out of the middle for the most part, would be to arrange an outing with several people - obviously including your best guy friend and your other friend - and see what happens when they are together in the group. Your best friend could make it a point to talk to your girlfriend as much as seems reasonable and see how she reacts to his attentions. If he feels comfortable with how they're clicking, he can then ask her if she'd like to join him sometime for dinner or a movie, or whatever.
You don't want your girlfriend to think you're setting her up if in fact she really isn't interested in your best friend in ways other than as a friend. In a group setting people click in different ways and often relationships develop naturally. Maybe in this case, you might want to partake in minimal "cupid" actions and let these two get to know each other better when other folks are around. Again, see if something will develop naturally.
The "cute and romantic" ways for your best friend to ask your girlfriend out will more likely come naturally if he's able to "feel" whether or not there is any interest from this girl. If she really is starting to show signs of liking him, then this shouldn't be too hard of a situation to deal with. Other than perhaps getting together in a group setting, your friend and you should maybe not try so hard how to figure this out. Staying out of the middle completely would be to just encourage your friend to go with his gut feelings and ask this other friend out - in this scenario, withOUT your help. I know you want to help him, but sometimes it's better to just step back, breathe, and remain supportive and encouraging.
I hope your best friend finds a girlfriend who will be as sweet and caring as you seem to be. You sound like a very good friend and he's fortunate.
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at my school, i do'nt have alot of friends, i recently dated a black kid, btw i just turned 14 yesterday! and btw i'm white, alot of black girls in our school have turned on me, and the one hated me since like 2nd grade, i'd be walkign out of class or w/e in the hallway, and they'd yell bitch and just a whole bunchy of things to me, int he mornings i'd be @ my locker anda all 5 or 6 of thm be'd talking, obviously about me! it gets really annoying, its all day long, oneday me and my brother were talking home and they werere coming and yellijg shit to me, and i caleld them ''name's'' and shit, and they were like call me that again and ill put my fist in your mouth, its hard to explain how it makes me feel. i dont like walking through the halls, they imtimidate me, i admit it, but just he otherday i was in algebra it was just one of them, i sat irght next ot her! she didn't say word! its only when there together do they say things
i'd like to know how to make more friends, it seels like everybody in my school hates me, besides my 2best firends,and a few ppl i talk to just in school
please help!
(link)
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Well, first of all, do you know of anything that might have started this tension between you and these girls? Did it only just begin when you went out with your black guy friend? I know you said that one of the girls has not liked you since the second grade, but did all of this escalate after you started seeing this guy? I ask this, because unfortunately not everyone understands people who do not see color boundaries. It scares and confuses the other people and sometimes they lash out. This is NOT an excuse for bad behavior by any means. Good for you for ignoring what some others see as possible boundaries that should or should not be crossed, e.g., interracial relationships.
Have you ever tried talking to the girl who has acted badly towards you since the second grade? Do you have any idea why she's acted this way towards you for so long? Sometimes talking to someone one on one (meaning, without her other friends around), can be very enlightening if you have no idea what's been going on. But I have to ask, did you two have a confrontation back in second grade? Is it that this girl just can't let go of whatever might have happened, or are you giving her attitude as well?
I think maybe a good place to start might be to try talking to the girl who takes algebra with you. Since you said that she didn't mess with you while she was alone, maybe you could strike up a conversation with her in class. First sit next to her if you can, talk to her about anything outside of these problems. Try really hard to see if you and she might have some things in common. Make a friend out of her. It may take a little work because she may be surprised that YOU are talking to her, but don't give up. If the two of you seem to hit if off okay, then perhaps you'll be able to ask her one day what's going on with the rest of her friends and how they treat you. Ask her if there was something that you said or did that caused these girls to start attacking you. Even if you've done nothing, ask her if there is anything you can do to make the situation better. Let her help you mkae friends with these girls if she's willing to do so.
One thing for sure is that I would not ever start calling these girls names or cursing at them no matter what they're saying to you. You are "fighting fire with fire," and that never works. I understand that what they say to you may hurt your feelings or make you angry, but try to be the more mature person and ignore them. I know that sounds easier than it might be, but I think that it's imperative because you guys are all apt to end up in a nasty word-fight or worse if all of you take the low road. Do you know what I mean?
I certainly understand that at certain ages kids can just be cruel and there doesn't have to have been a lot to have provoked it, if anything. These girls may have chosen you at random as a target of their games and when you reacted to them in a way that they liked - hurt, angry, etc. - they decided to keep on doing what they've been doing. Now it's up to you to try to change your attitude. Surprise them with a "hello, how are you guys today" sort of comment when all of you are near your lockers. Make a comment about a class, a TV program, anything to get them off their regular train of thought. And, this should help you in feeling a little less intimidated because you are taking control of the situation, even if for a moment, AND more importantly, you're taking control of yourself.
On Monday, instead of going into school convinced that everyone hates you (I seriously doubt that's the case), go in there with your head held high and a smile on your face. Greet people with sincere friendliness and if anyone says anything rude or mean, just keep smiling and walk away. Yep, at first this may be a little hard, but I know you can do it. If you can show a different attitude and act more confident, people will begin to respect that. Ask yourself how YOU've been acting around these girls. How have you been presenting yourself to them and others at your school? Ask your two best friends if they have any advice for you.
I guess the bottom line is that I've always learned that people who are acting badly towards me can indeed change that attitude. But I need to be willing to try to understand what is going on and to try to possibly change my attitudes, too. Communication is so often the answer to many problems. I DO understand that it doesn't always work with everyone, but maybe it won't hurt if you try it with these girls.
I'm sorry this is happening. I'm sure it hasn't been fun feeling intimidated. And you know, it might even shock the heck out of them if you one day just calmly and sweetly go up to the girls closest to your locker and say something like, "Hi, I don't think we've ever gotten to know each other very well. I'm a little confused though. Since we don't know each other all that well, how come you guys seem to always be mad at me? Can we work something out to make our lives a little happier?" Don't be surprised if they don't react the best at first, but I would bet that this could open a door to that "communication" that I wrote of above. Try not to give up and just always put on your sweetest self and don't let these girls get to you, or at least don't let them know that they are!
Good luck. Something tells me you're going to be okay.
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i don't really need to tone up my stomach is flat and hard as a rock i don't really have any fat in my legs it's mostly muscle but i don't like being about 100 pounds. people think i'm anorexic already and i'm not going to prove them right i just want to be under 100 pounds and be very small i guess i want smaller legs and arms and i want my hip bones to stick out more than they do. (link)
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Thanks for getting back to me. I'm sorry if people are seeming to bother you with thinking you're already anorectic. I can only imagine that they're concerned about you. I don't even know you and I'm concerned.
I realize that having the hip bones stick out is a fashion thing that is splashed all over the place. However, please, please know that it's just not healthy to have your bones sticking out! And also realize that everyone is built very differently. I grew up with some very skinny girls who did have their hip bones (and others) sticking out. These few girls I'm thinking about were not anorectic - the whole family was skinny and bony. However, with me, I had curves and no boniness to my body and I thought I was supposed to have that to look better. Or at least, I thought I would be happier if that were the case. I kept losing weight and never had the bones sticking out and got into trouble. It wasn't until later in life that I began to really like my own curves...AND, I learned that most guys (I'm serious here) like girls to NOT look so bony and to have soft curves. I understand that you say you want this for yourself. You didn't say you wanted it for any guy and I don't mean to offend you by any means. Yes, we need to do things for ourselves - to make ourselves happy. But I still have to wonder why this look will make you happy. Perhaps this isn't the easiest question to answer except to say that you like this look. I'd still want to know maybe where that is coming from, if you know what I mean.
Sweetie, if you're 5'7", weighing under 100 pounds could be such a dangerous thing for you. Please know that your friends and family are probably very worried that you'll end up extremely ill. Did you go to the sites I recommended? I'd like to know if you might see yourself at all in what you read.
If you want to talk about this anymore, feel free to e-mail me at soysusana@verizon.net. And know that I'm not trying to lecture you. I do care, and I've been there...believe me.
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i'm 113 pounds right now and i need to lose about... 15 pounds but i'm 5'7 so it's sort of hard any suggestions? (link)
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Is it possible to tell me why you think you should lose weight? You sound desperately thin right now and could certainly throw yourself (if you haven't already) into anorexia nervosa and/or bulimia. Both are deadly. I'm 5'8" and I was anorectic when I was a teen and then bulimic when I was in college. Those days were scary and I don't want you to have to go through that.
If you feel like you need some toning, then that would be different. But be careful about overdoing the exercise. Many anoretics and bulimics become addicted to exercise.
I know you didn't ask, but here are two of the many sites out there that can tell you a little about these two dangerous diseases:
http://kidshealth.org/teen/food_fitness/problems/eat_disorder.html
http://www.mirror-mirror.org/teens.htm
Please be careful. I'm sure you are a lovely girl and it makes me sad that you may not even realize that. Take care of yourself. I care.
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i just got a hamster from my friends around 10 days ago .. it has grown really bloated now .. i am afraid that it might have something to do with her eating the rubber stopper .. she has not been eliminating much.. could you please advice me. (link)
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Oh please get this little guy to the vet's! I have no idea how big that rubber stopper was, but it may have been too big to pass through and into your hamster's stool. If that is the case, this animal could really be backed up (and I don't just mean constipated!) and have a bowel obstruction - the stopper, of course. A bowel obstruction is very dangerous and needs to be dealt with immediately, but for such a small animal this could be extra dangerous. The fact that you're saying the hamster has bloated is a scary sign - it is for any animal. I wouldn't wait another minute. Call a vet (if you don't have one, call an emergency clinic near you, ask a friend who does have a vet, or just choose one out of the phonebook) and tell her or him the situation. My guess is that you'll definitely need to get the hamster into a clinic or vet's office pronto! Please don't wait any longer! Good luck. I sure hope your little guy is okay. Let me know what a doctor says. I care a lot. Animals are very important to me.
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thanx for the good advice! but how would i tell him! wait till hes inside of me and then be like "hey by the way im a virgin and dont know wat im doing?" he comes home in like 3hrs i dont know wat to do! he keeps calling me and telling me hoew bad he wants to feel my body! i dont know how i can tell him! ive been lieing to him since the day we met about this
(link)
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OK, I'm a little confused. By the time this question appeared, I hadn't had the chance to answer your first question! So, what "good advice" were you referring to?! Nevertheless, I have now had the chance to answer your first question and I hope it helped even though it was a little late in coming. Again, good luck!
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ok heres my question....
I HAVE BEEN DATING THIS GUY FOR THREE MONTHS NOW! HES A GOOD GUY AND ALOT OF FUN! HES VERY POPULAR AND HAS ALOT OF "EXPERIENCE." WHEN I MET HIM ALL HE TALKED ABOUT WAS HOW BAD HE WANTED TO SLEEP WITH ME AND HOW BAD HE WANTED TO HAVE A LIFE WITH ME! I FELT THAT SAME WAY BUT THE ONLY DIFFRENCE IS THAT IM STILL A VRIGIN AND HE DOESNT KNOW IT YET! AND TO MAKE THE STORY MORE INTERESTING IVE BEEN HAVING FAMILY PROBLEMS AND GOT KICKED OUT OF MY HOUSE AND NOW STAYING WITH HIM! WE SLEEP IN THE SAME BED AND WHEN HES IN THE MOOD I FEEL SO BAD BECAUSE I TELL HIM THAT IM NOT IN THE MOOD OR I FEEL SICK BUT THATS NOT IT AT ALL, SO HE JUST ROLLS OVER AND GOES TO SLEEP!I FEEL LIKE SUCH A HORRIBLE PERSON! IVE LIED TO HIM SO MUCH ALREADY AND THE PERSON THAT I MET HIM WITH AND HE WANTS A LIFE WITH IS THE ONE THATS NOT A VIRGIN! IM SO SCARED TO TELL HIM BUT IF I DONT HES GONNA THINK THAT I DONT LIKE HIM AND I DO I REALLY DO! WAT SHOULD I DO? IF HE FINDS OUT I LIED TO HIM AGAIN HE MIGHT THROW ME OUT INTO THE STREET! pls help! and my tonight cause hes gonna try again and i dont wanna lie to him anymore! (link)
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I'm so sorry that I didn't have the chance to get to your question yesterday and I know you said you really needed an answer before last night! Yikes. I'm curious at this point what, if anything, went on between you and your boyfriend last night.
Even though I missed answering you right away, I'll still try to answer your question as best I can anyway.
Have you been telling this guy lies that you didn't explain in your
question to me? If you're only referring to the fact that you haven't been able to tell him that you're a virgin and that you've lied about that, then I can't figure out why in the world you think he'd throw you out on the street! What kind of guy is he?!
Please don't wait until you guys are just about ready to make love before you tell him. Obviously you're nervous and you think he has high expectations of you, so having this chat probably won't do much for the mood if you wait until you're being intimate. Please just sit him down and tell him the truth. Tell him that you've been scared, embarrassed (whatever you've felt) about letting him know that you're a virgin and that you are a little timid about having sex for the first time. Let him know that you would really like it if he were to help you through this very important and special time. It seems to me that if he is any kind of guy worth holding onto that he will work with you on this and be happy to do so. I would also hope that he could understand why you were so reluctant to talk about this before since it can be a sensitive subject.
If you really love someone you should be able to confide in him and he should be very respectful of what you have to tell him if he loves you and doesn't just want an "experienced" girlfriend. See, that's where I'm a little confused. Has he given the impression from the beginning that he wants an experienced girlfriend? What made you feel as though you couldn't tell him about your virginity? That worries me a little because if you're actually living with this guy right now, then it seems that you two need to have a very open and honest relationship about these sorts of intimate issues.
You also said that when you met this guy, right away he told you that he wanted to sleep with you AND spend his life with you. Wow. That's moving pretty fast, isn't it? And how did YOU know that you wanted to spend your life with HIM? I'm truly hoping that he didn't use the line "I want to spend my life with you," just to get you in bed. However, the fact that you've been living together for a while, and sleeping together without having sex, leads me to believe that he's being patient and perhaps that's not all he wants out of the relationship. That would be good. So, do both of you a favor and quit coming up with excuses. If you don't want to have sex yet, tell him. If you do, but you're afraid because you've never experienced it before, tell him.
I'm sorry about your family situation and I'm also sorry that is what "pushed" you into living with this guy right now. Living with someone is a BIG move and both parties want to be sure that it is a situation that is really wanted. And, hopefullly one in which both parties are ready to commit to. Making big moves because of an "emergency" isn't always the best way to start. Hopefully, though, if there is open communication and HONESTY, the two of you will be able to work through all of this.
I hope I've helped ease your mind that it really is okay to talk to this guy. Just remember, if he doesn't take the "news" well, then HE has a problem. You do NOT have to live on the street if things don't work out for the two of you. There are plenty of agencies who can come to your aid and give you advice. Please don't stay in this relationship if for any reason it gets awkward or just isn't right. I know I don't know anything about your family problems, but I encourage you to try to work through those problems right now while you are trying to work through getting your life in order. Don't wait until you're in a dire situation to try to make things all right with your folks. Try to have them there as a support system.
Good luck and definitely let me know what happens between you and your boyfriend. I'll think good thoughts for you!!
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does anyone know a good website that tells good tips on having a party for no reason? or does anyone know any really good tips? like games, who to invite, food...etc. THANKS! (link)
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I don't know how to advice you on WHO you want at your party except to say - ask your closest friends. And if you want a large party, ask each person to ask one other person and maybe you'll meet some new people that way. But that can also get out of hand. Personally, I'd stick with just a few close friends.
As far as your other questions go...
This site has links to a "Fear Factor" party, Party Tips, and a Teen Dance party:
http://www.bellaonline.com/subjects/2951.asp
This site speicifically talks about a themed party called the Twisted Party. Sounds kind of fun:
http://www.boardmanweb.com/party/twisted_party.htm
This site sounds great with quite a few links to teen party games and the instructions for playing the games:
http://www.partygamecentral.com/pgcstandard/gameliststd.asp?type=teen&catname=TEEN+PARTY+GAMES
This site talks about hiring a DJ, but I would think that if one of your friends knows a lot about music, you could ask him or her to fill in as a "DJ." Or, you can just arrange the music you'd like played at your party and make sure you keep up with the stereo if you don't have one person able to watch over the music selection. This site also talks about some old time "kid' games that could be fun using your favorite music even though the games may sound youngish to you. It is suggesting a new twist to these games.
http://entertaining.about.com/bltip062402.htm
One site had these tips re: drink and food:
Tip:
Teens tend to eat a lot. When you´re purchasing food, figure that each teen will probably consume three to four cans of soda each, one to two servings of the main course and about 1/2 bag of snacks.
Tip:
Set up a taco bar and let the teens build their own tacos for an example of foods to serve for teen parties. Provide taco shells or tortillas, taco meat mixture, chopped tomatoes, cheese, lettuce, onions, hot sauce, salsa and sour cream.
Tip:
The best foods for teen parties are the grab and go kind: pizza, burgers, tacos, fried chicken and sub sandwiches.
Another site made these food recommendations:
-Choose portable foods that can be eaten with the hands: tacos, burgers, pizza and "wraps" are good teen foods and are easy to make or buy.
-A one-pot entr�e, such as chili or pasta, can be easy to make and can be served with paper plates and disposible utensils.
-Offer a sandwich bar with cold cuts, cheeses, condiments and bagels, wraps, breads and buns.
-Place bowls of snacks around where you want the kids to congregate, such as in the den or backyard.
-Fill tubs, plastic garbage pails or coolers with ice and cans of drinks.
-Keep one iced cooler for watermelon, pineapple or other healthy fruit offerings.
-Consider cupcakes instead of a cake for ease of eating and cleaning up.
-Cut up veggies and serve with dips such as ranch, hummus, French or French onion.
Hope you have a great party! Good luck!
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me and my boyfriend are continuously having little fights over nothing.... i think its because we hang out all the time and when were not hanging out together, were on the phone with eachother. i think were just too into eachother and i think we need to have lives besides eachother and i think that will really help. how do i not talk to him as much and see him less. because i love him and i always want to see him. weve been dating for over a year and were both 16. thanks! (link)
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Everyone needs space from being with anyone constantly. It's healthy and actually makes life more interesting. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders to realize that you both need some time away from each other. Good for you!
You guys have been together for a long time and that then means you've been spending an inordinate amount of time together if you two are always with one another and always on the phone. When two people are constantly with one another (and this can apply to any friendship or with a family member) there is the likelihood that small things begin to get on each person's nerves. Thus the "little fights."
Try talking to your boyfriend and tell him that you think that the two of you need to spend some time with other friends and doing things separately from time to time. Let him know that you're not breaking up with him, but that you think you two would actually be more interesting to one another if you had some separate interests. It would give you more to talk about and would also help each of you grow as individuals. Too often couples run into problems when they allow themselves to become almost as though they are ONE. A relationship is much more apt to survive if each person retains their individuality. You guys don't seem to be encouraging too much of that now.
So, take up an art class, or yoga, or anything that you might find interesting. Look at your local recreation center's calendar of classes and see what you might be able to afford and what sorts of classes are offered. Encourage your boyfriend to do the same, but take separate classes! Try to have a night or two when it's just a girls' night together when you have friends over to watch a movie, go out for a bite to eat, see a movie, etc. Again, encourage your boyfriend to do this as well. Make sure you create some time alone - without your boyfriend or your girlfriends. Read, write in a journal, take up a hobby.
Try limiting the length and frequency of your daily phone calls. You don't have to stop them entirely, just be more aware of how long and often you guys talk. If you develop some other interests in your life, you won't miss the constant chatting so much.
Sometimes when one person in a relationship wants to have a little more space the other person gets scared. Be aware that this may happen and be gentle and reassuring with your boyfriend. Remind him that you're trying to do something not only for yourself, which is definitely healthy, but that you're trying to do something to make your relationship better. Tell him that's it's gotten silly how you guys argue over such little things and that this way you two should be able to avoid some of that. (Of course arguing over little things will always be a common occurrence in relationships, but certain things can be done to make that happen less frequently.) Let him know how much you still love being with him and will definitely want to do things with him. And then, when you guys are together, see if you can think of special things to do that will make that time even more memorable. I bet if you both really talk through this that he will agree with you, even if not at first. Just stick to your guns and start branching out with your interests. Sure, at first it may seem a little tough to not be with him all the time. This has almost become a habit for you and habits are hard to break. But if you work hard enough and remember how healthy this will be for you and for your relationship, I know you'll be able to do it. And, you'll probably be even more thrilled to see and talk to him!
Good luck. I think you're approaching this whole thing very maturely. I hope your boyfriend can do so as well.
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OK so im a 14 year old .. im pretty over weight. I'm like like a DD too, and im really self conscience about it. I also have a sweating problem, so w/e i wear i have huge stains under my arms. Im a tomboy .. but i still wanna wear jeans and a nice sweater sometimes! So, i dont think boys like me .. like at all. How can i look better and more cute, and feel more confident about myself? (link)
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I know it's not easy to lose weight, and when you say you're 14, I'm not really sure if you ARE overweight because so many girls/women have a VERY skewed view of themselves due to our society's "demand" for SKINNY people! I hate that!! It is such an unhealthy attitude.
I can relate to you being self conscious about your bust size. Get this: I had to start wearing a bra when I was nine years old! Oh my, the teasing I got was horrible. Talk about feeling self conscious. And, I wasn't overweight so it was especially noticeable. For one thing, you're at a stage right now where you will find that you'll more than likely begin to "grow into" your breasts. Too often they are the first part of the girl's body to grow when we are in puberty and moving out of it. Just make sure you wear a good supportive bra and DON'T hunch over, trying to hide the fact that you have large breasts. I've seen too many girls/women do that due to self consciousness and they end up with such poor posture and bad backs along with low self-esteem. One comment on large breasts is that I'm wondering if they are large enough to already be giving you some back trouble? I ask this because if you're experiencing pain in your back, this is NOT good and you should seek the advice of a doctor. More often than not, insurance will cover a slight breast reduction for girls or women who have medical problems due to enlarged breasts.
With a sweating problem, there are several things you can do. 1) try changing deodorants - even try an unscented men's deodorant; 2) talk to your doctor about this in case there is actually a problem with your sweat glands; 3) for blouses with sleeves you can buy light-weight, cotton underarm pads that absorb a lot of sweat and that fit onto the body by a narrow strap that goes over the shoulder - usually found in lingerie departments; and, 4) wear darker clothing so that sweat stains don't show up as much.
As far as clothes go:
You can wear loose-fitting (not baggy) jeans - there are several brands out there that make stretchy waistbands (NOT elastic) that still have a zipper and button. Levi's is one company that makes these and they look just like regular jeans. Not only do they have a stretchy material for the waistband, but the material for the entire garment is a special kind that stretches a little and makes the fit more comfortable. They're made in small, medium and larger sizes, so this is not something just for people with a weight problem. They're great because they allow for freedom of movement that most jeans don't necessarily allow. You can buy a loose-fitting (again, not baggy) sweater that doesn't cling to your body like so many styles these days. Wearing a sweater that is straight-lined and comes down past your rear-end might be something you'd like to try. It can give you a sleak look when worn with nice fitting jeans or even stretch pants. If you wear stretch pants, always wear a long straight-lined blouse/shirt/sweater that is made of a material that flows when you walk (that doesn't exactly work with a sweater, but it will with the other two). Buy solid colors and accessorize with fun jewelry and/or long, slinky scarves. Or, buy wonderfully vibrant colors that are NOT in horizontal stripes, big flowers, or any big design. You can also probably find some very chic skirts that are more A-lined (straight, but not too straight and narrow) instead of gathered at the waist. Again, you can wear a longish top that will come down and flow around the skirt in a way that won't add "weight" on you. Keep the material as light as you can, not bulky.
Look at yourself in the mirror every day and tell yourself that you're beautiful! If you've told yourself for a long time that you're not and you believe that boys don't like you, then of course you've come to believe that. Why then wouldn't saying positive things about yourself over and over not do the same thing? At first it may feel odd, but you'll get used to it and eventually begin to believe it. I'm a stickler about posture and if you can hold your head high, not slouch into yourself, and smile often, you will feel better about yourself and this great energy will then radiate from you and other people will get caught up in the good energy. Believe me when I say that works wonders! Try not to focus so much on whether or not boys like you. I know that's so important, especially at your age. But you need to realize that you're a beautiful person INSIDE before anyone else can see that. And when you believe in that beauty within, you will also radiate that beauty on the outside.
Developing self confidence takes work, but it's worth it and I believe since you've asked for advice and you want to change, that it WILL happen for you! Just keep reminding yourself how wonderful, special and beautiful you are. Put notes on your mirrors, computer, bedroom door, anywhere to help you to remember to focus on these POSITIVE thoughts.
Good luck to you! I just bet you'll look smashing when you start using that creative, strong inner power within us all to change your attitude and your style.
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Yea im 15 years old and i am in love with a 17 year. He is about to be 18. but i dunno we barley know eachother n we are going out we have been going out for 3 days now n we havet did n e thing well becuz we havent seen eachother but yea when he comes to get me i just wanna grab him and give him the biggest kiss he ever got in his life! i dont no if he feels the same way! how do i no if he want to be sexually active or not? wat should i do i just dont no! (link)
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From what you've written it sounds as though this guy is being very respectful of you and gentlemanly. He is not acting like the typical teenage boy who wants to go fast and potentially ruin a possibly long relationship and FRIENDSHIP. Friendship is such an important thing in any relationship. It doesn't sound like you're accustomed to guys being respectful of you. It sounds as though you're used to guys wanting to "get in your pants" the very first thing. I'm sorry if that's been your experience. The romance of dating is absolutely lost with that sort of attitude.
You guys will kiss when BOTH of you are ready. Why jump into having a sexual relationship when you can probably develop something more lasting and special? Sex doesn't make a relationship special. But if a relationship is mature, loving and mutually respectful, then the relationship will make sex special.
Please just take is slowly, appreciate his company and his respect for you, get to KNOW this guy, and be patient. You just might find out that you can like this guy more than you think you do now. You have hardly known this guy long enough to be "in love" with him. Remember, you don't have to have sex to show someone how much you like him. I certainly admire his slow approach to dating. Sounds like he's being very mature, and again (I keep repeating this - sorry), he's acting as though he actually respects you. That's worth so much!
Good luck with this relationship. It could be the best one you've had yet.
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my hair is so unmanageable!!!!!
where my parting is little bits always stick up! no matter what i use it wont stop!
can any one giv me sum advice on what products to use?
its so annoying!
o im from uk btw (link)
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Do you use a creme rinse? Sometimes that can help control fly-away pieces of hair by making them smoother and more manageable. You also might try using a styling spray that can either be used on dry or wet hair. If you want to use the spray on wet hair and you use a hairdryer (and this would probably help some), then after spraying on the styling spray, use a brush with the hairdryer and gently brush the fly-away pieces into the natural wave of your hair. If you use it on dry hair, just use the brush to do the same thing - train your hair (and it can be done) to flow into the natural movement of your main head of hair. Sounds weird, but I know what I'm talking about. I've cut and styled hair for many years. A small amount of a styling gel can also help and can generally be used on wet or dry hair. You just don't want to use too much; you don't want you hair to look oily.
The only other suggestion I have is that you might want to try parting your hair differently. I've had to do that at various times in my life. It has seemed that at different times, my hair wants to do different things - act different ways. Oh, yes, so annoying. But, when I've changed my part, or my hairstyle, the problem is almost always resolved AND I end up having fun by having a "new" look!
Good luck. None of us like having "bad hair" days!!
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Okay well i went to my church and my boyfriend(Tom) wasnt hanging out w/ me but he was hanging out w/ everyone but me(including his new g/f). he said that i was ignoring him and that he wanted to go out w/ Sally(who he just met not even 3 days ago), so i broke up w/ him. and 1 day later he ended up asking Sally out. Sally said yes. now they are going out....i really did like him...like soooo much.....but then at church Tom and Sally were hugging and holding hands and crap rite in front of me ( proably just to get me jealous). now we all hate eachother but i still kinda like him...but i hate Sally.....What should i do????
*Names changed for safety
-confused (link)
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Well, for one thing it sounds like this whole mess might have started out as a misunderstanding. You thought your boyfriend was ignoring you at church and he thought you were ignoring him. Unfortunately, it sounds as though you guys never really discussed these feelings of neglect the day it happened. Or at least you two didn't discuss it in a way that could have resolved some hurt feelings. However, from what you wrote, it sort of sounds to me like your boyfriend might have been using the excuse that you were ignoring him so that he could ask out "Sally." Thus, he very conveniently tried to make you take the blame for his interest in "Sally." I'd say that you had nothing whatsoever to do with him and "Sally" getting together. If he was interested in her, then he was just interested in her...period. However, I think he'd like you to think that you "pushed" them together. And my feelings are that he is taking a cheap way out of a relationship that sounds as though he wanted to end anyway. I'm sure that hurts, but the guy doesn't sound as though he has the backbone to just tell you (or probably anyone else) that he needs to end a relationship/situation without trying to make the other person feel responsible. That's pretty jerky, if you ask me. Of course you did the right thing by breaking up with him when he told you he was interested in "Sally." The fact that he asked her out one day later only emphasizes to me that he'd planned on doing this anyway. Don't you think?
The fact that your ex and "Sally" were "hugging and holding hands and crap" in front of you could mean that they're so overly involved in themselves that they are simply not thinking about how it must look or feel to you. Certainly that is very insensitive and not thoughtful of you at all. If they were trying to make you jealous, then they strike me as people with whom I wouldn't want to associate at all! It is completely childish, immature, and NOT nice to try to cause another person hurt and/or to have feelings of jealousy. Whatever the case, I'd say let them be with each other. Sounds like they deserve one another if they're both that insensitive. Of course, do realize that I understand why that's so much easier said than done, especially if you really had a thing for this guy. But if you can, try as hard as you can to look at your ex for who is seems to really be - how he's acting RIGHT NOW. Ask yourself why you would want to have him as your boyfriend if he is this insensitive, rude and immature. You would have found this out eventually and it would hurt whenever you did find out, but in reality it's always better to find out sooner rather than later.
You say that you all "hate" each other now, but that you really "hate 'Sally.'" This is not unusual - to hate the "other" person more. However, keep in mind that it was your boyfriend who asked this girl out and since you'd already broken up with him, she simply said, "Yes." I don't know if she pursued your boyfriend or not, but he was the one who truned his back on you. Try to keep that in mind. Too many people want to only blame the other person because it's easier than blaming the one we "love," or think we loved. We have a hard time thinking that our boyfriend/girlfriend has turned against us. So, it's easier to hate the other person. Do you know what I'm trying to say?
Hate is such a strong word...and feeling. It can eat you up inside. As much as you hurt, try not to hold onto the "hate" that you're harboring now. Yep, that's hard to do, but you have the power and control to do it. Actually, only you have the control to do it. Try more to focus on the fact that these two people are sad. "Sad?!" you cry. Yes, sad. If they have to act this way to feel better about what they've done, then they are indeed sad people who can't be mature and handle relationships very well. At least that's how I see it. They seem to be very self-centered and that is all too common, especially when people are younger. It's as though no one else exists but THEM! So, you can feel sorry for the fact that they are the kind of people who are so self-centered that they don't care much about other people's feelings and that's got to show to all those around them; or, you can hate them for "making" you feel the way you do. That hate is not going to change them. Feeling sorry for them won't either, but it will certainly change YOU. It will make you the better person and will help you stay focused on what kind of boyfriend and friends you want in your life.
I don't think there is anything you can do. And ask yourself if there truly is anything you WANT to do to get this jerky guy back. I know that I can't take the hurt away from you, and I'm sorry that you ARE hurting so much. Anyone would be. As tough as it may be, when you're in their presence, hold your head up high, don't give them the satisfaction of seeing your hurt (or jealousy), keep busy with your other friends, and don't watch them play their little games. Ignore him and "Sally." I don't think either of these people are worth the energy it takes to hate them. Put your energy into your other friends and eventually another guy who deserves you will come along. Believe me, he will. And yes, you'll probably experience hurt sometime again in your life. That's a part of our life processes. Learning how to deal with that hurt and seeing things for what they truly are, is what will help you grow into a stronger, more mature, and happier person.
I wish you all the best with this situation. Please know that I am not disregarding your hurt, but I seriously think you're probably better off without this guy. Good luck and keep your chin held high. Keep telling yourself that you're strong and can be more mature than these two. I know you'll be okay!
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what does menage a trois mean? (link)
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It is French for three people getting together as lovers. A married couple can get together with a single person and practice sexual relations and that would be one example of a menage a trois. Three single people getting together for sex is another example. Bottom line: three people having sex together.
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I had the worst day. I found out this morning that one of my friends died in her sleep at her parents. I hadnt talked to her in a long time so I felt a lot of guilt. I also had to phone another friend who had a falling out with her 6 months ago and she felt so guilty she spent the whole day crying.
The funeral is on wednesday morning and I can't go because I have to work. So I spent 40 dollars to have a bouquet of flowers delivered to the funeral.
I also stubbed my toe, slammed my finger in a door, and got my period today. I don't have a bf to comfort me and all my other friends are too upset over the death of our friend to talk to me. Is there something that I could do to make myself feel better about this situation? I thought that by getting the flowers I would feel better but I only feel worse. And how can I get undepressed? It's right before Xmas and I don't want to ruin the holidays for my family. (link)
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First of all, I want to express my sympathies to you and your friends on the loss of your friend. The loss of anyone close to us, or who has been close to us, is never easy and we have to allow ourselves to go through different stages of grieving. This site http://fl.essortment.com/stagesgrief_rbdm.htm is wonderful in explaining the different stages of grief and how one can cope with those stages. (Note: Scroll down the page because there are a bunch of ads for books at the top.)
You need to know that guilt is a normal and common stage of grief. I don't think we ever feel that everything was done "right" before the death of someone who dies. I also believe that we all have things that feel as though they are unresolved with the deceased person and that, of course, brings on the guilt feelings.
Not talking to a friend for a while or having an argument that isn't necessarily resolved are normal happenings in life. Most of us can feel guilty about those kinds of things withOUT the other person dying. If the other person should die, then that guilt only becomes more pronounced and exacerbated. It is exacerbated because we feel as though there should have been something we could have done. Could haves, should haves, etc. - try hard not to focus on those things. It is all in the past.
All of you need to allow yourselves to FEEL any of the feelings that are cropping up now...even guilt. If you let yourselves go through the normal stages of grief, they will pass more easily and you'll be able to move on. You need to remember that your deceased friend had not talked to you for a while; it wasn't just you who didn't talk to her. You were both participants in busy lives that kept you from keeping in contact as often as you now wish you had. Your friend who had the falling out with this girl/woman needs to remember that a falling out involves two people. She obviously was not the only one who was involved in that falling out. This is not to say that either of you should look at your deceased friend in a bad way. I am only trying to point out that you guys were not doing these things you feel so guilty about alone.
I feel sure that all the things that happened to you physically have to do with a feeling of surreal circumstances. Meaning, since something so traumatic does not feel quite real yet, it is common to walk around in sort of a daze. For instance, this daze then allows for you to not be overly aware of your surroundings. Your period could have started because it was time - you didn't say. Or it could have started early (?) because of the stress you are feeling. Whatever the case, having your period start when you're already feeling fragile and vulnerable is hard. Menstruation is not exactly a comfortable thing for any woman to go through. If there is something stressful going on, the side effects of menstruation may be worse because your mind and body are going through such turmoil.
I would guess that you felt worse after sending the flowers to the funeral home because you are feeling as though you "should" be going to the funeral. Funerals are ways for the living to say good-bye. Sometimes people go out of respect for the families of the deceased, but in my opinion they are much more for people who feel they must be in the presence of the deceased so that they can say good-bye. Well, I haven't attended many funerals in my life, by choice. My way of saying good-bye is very private and I need that privacy for my own healing. This is NOT to say that you or your friends should hole up in your homes and grieve alone. I'm just saying that there are different ways to say, "Good-bye."
My suggestion to you and your friends is that you get together in someone's home or at a favorite restaurant (even a favorite restaurant of the girl who died). Instead of focusing on what all of you wish you had done or hadn't done, focus on all the things you really admired/liked about your friend. Express good memories and happy times. Light a candle for her - white usually is a symbol of spirituality, light and goodness; pink is usally a symbol of love...you could light one of each color. Have a silent moment as the candle (or candles) is lit. You could do this at the beginning of your get together or at the end, as a way to say good-bye while imagining her encircled in the light of God, happy and free, and knowing that there is love pouring forth from all of you. She will know this. Believe me. Another thing that my friends and I have done is to write a short prayer for someone and then "let it go into the universe" by burning it. Fire is a way to cleanse and to release. By burning a prayer or something you want your deceased friend to know (even an apology if you feel that is necessary), you are releasing it in a spiritual way and more often than not a sense of relief comes over the person who is "letting go" of whatever they are wanting to say. Cry together. Laugh together. Share together. Sometmes having little "rituals" can make us feel better. A good-bye ritual that is created solely by you and your friends for your other friend will be special and memorable. If this idea sounds weird to you, just remember that funerals are rituals in and of themselves. They're just a different way for people to say good-bye.
You are not apt to get "undepressed" in a snap. Again, you will want to allow yourself to go through all the feelings you have so that you can let them go. Take bubble baths and listen to favorite music. Pamper yourself right now. Take care of yourself so that you don't fall into a deeper depression. You and your friends may find that talking together will be enough, but if it isn't, then maybe all of you could use some grief counseling from either a Grief Support group or if you're in school, a school counselor. One of the things I think many people fall into is that they feel they shouldn't speak of the dead. That it will make others uncomfortable...as well as the person who really wants to speak. However, it usually works the opposite way. Speaking of your friend should be able to help all of you to release some of these pent up emotions.
I know you are worried about how you're feeling right now so near Christmas. I understand. If your Christmas and your celebration of it are a little more low key than usual, please try to give yourself permission - it's okay. Talk to your family and I'm sure they will understand as well. But try to make this Christmas special instead of a horrid one to remember. On Christmas Eve and/or Day, light another candle for your friend. Focus on the real meaning of Christmas - the new birth. Your friend is now experiencing her new birth in another sort of way. Wish her well with her new life. Tell her that you miss her. This Christmas, give your friend your gift of love and then release her to a new and better life.
I know you will come through all of this all right even if it doesn't feel that way right now. Go easy on yourself. I seriously doubt that your friend left this earth with any ill will towards anyone.
So, again, I'm so sorry for your loss. But all of you can try to make this time a time for forgiveness (especially of yourselves) and love. It will also probably be very good for all of you still here because it will give you the chance to appreciate what you have in each other.
My best wishes are with all of you...as well as for your friend who has moved on.
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I just found out that I have to work on Christmas Eve AND on Boxing Day. I work at a large department store. Now I'm really depressed. This is the first year that that's ever happened to me. I usually go spend a week at my grandmas who lives in another city, but this year all I can do is spend one night at my moms, who lives in town. Also, I usually go shopping on boxing day now I can't do that either.
How can I get over this depressed feeling?
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I'm sorry your usual holiday with your grandmother has been totally disrupted. Is the city in which your grandma lives a long distance from your home? I understand that your preference would be to spend the whole holiday with her, but are you able to spend a least a few days with her before Christmas Eve? Or, does your work prevent that from happening too? If it doesn't, I would suggest trying to do that so that you can at least spend part of the holiday with Grandma and have an early celebration, though, I know, it won't be the same. However, if you try, you can probably make it almost as fun.
Without knowing exactly what hours you have to work on these two days (or in what setting, i.e., a restaurant, retail store, or something else), it's difficult to make suggestions for those two days. Are you planning on spending the night with your mom on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day night? Could you do both? Will your hours at your job prevent you from doing any shopping on Boxing Day? Again, without knowing the hours you'll be working I don't know what to suggest. I also realize that the main problem here is that because you have to work both days, that makes it impossible to be at your grandma's for the usual week-long vacation.
I had many years when I worked on Christmas Eve and most all the other holidays. I know it can be the pits. However, what my co-workers and I did was try our best to make the most of it and we had our own celebrations at work. (I'm aware that would exclude the shopping you'd like to do.) Since Boxing Day is actually a day to give to the less fortunate, could you and your co-workers set something up that has to do with that rather than shopping? Of course, I know that's not at all the same thing, but it's an idea worth considering so that you have something special and rewarding to do that day.
I don't think anyone can actually make you feel better about this turn of events except you. I understand completely how you feel, but I do think if you think hard enough about it, you could perhaps try to change some of your traditions this year while including some of your old traditions, just in a different way and within a different time frame. Try not to feel too terribly depressed. There are so many people who have to work on the holidays which are so important to them for one reason or another. And sure, I know that realizing others are doing it won't just snap that depression right out of your system, but hopefully it won't make you feel so alone.
I'm sorry you're feeling so down. I hope that you can think of some things to do to lift your spirits. Good luck with whatever you decide you can do.
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Hey all! Today all the girls in my family are making cookes!(about 10 of us) We know we are going to make chocolate chip. But my boyfriend said he likes peanut-butter. (any SIMPLE recipies?) and his favorite candies are twix and butterfinger. My boyfriend and I have been together almost two years, and this is our second Christmas together, so making him cookies is no big deal.
I am going to surf the web for some easy holiday cookie recipies!! So, if you have any recipies, they dont have to be one of the cookies above.
I highly doubt that we will be able to go to the store to get more supplies to make the cookies.
I'll rate and leave feedback! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!
-Kelsey-
k2204 (link)
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If your boyfriend likes Butterfingers, you could always make the Toll House cookie dough and instead of using chocolate chips, use crumbled Butterfinger bars.
A recipe for a simple peanut butter bar with chocolate is:
1/2 c. white sugar
1/2 c. brown sugar
1/2 c. butter
1 egg
1 t. vanilla
1/3 c. peanut butter
1 t. soda
1/2 t. salt
1 c. flour
1 c. oatmeal
6 oz. pkg. chocolate chips
Topping (optional):
1/2 c. peanut butter
1 1/2 c. powdered sugar
hot milk
Mix ingredients (except for the chocolate & topping ingredients) together and spread in a greased 9x13 pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 10-15 minutes. Don't let it get too brown or hard. Remove from oven and sprinkle with the chocolate chips. Return to oven until chocolate is melted. Remove from oven, spread chocolate and cool. Topping: Mix 1/2 cup peanut buter, 1 1/2 c. powdered sugar and enough hot milk to make the right consistency of an easily spreadable frosting. Spread over the chololate. Cut while warm.
A peanut butter cookie without chocolate is:
1 c. brown sugar
1 c. white sugar
1 c. shortening
1 t. vanilla
2 eggs
1 c. peanut butter
1 t. soda
pinch of salt
2 1/2 - 3 c. flour
Mix together, make balls by hand and flatten with a fork dipped in flour. Bake at 350 degrees for about 10 minutes.
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I hope you get lots of yummy recipes today. And, have fun with all the girls!!
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