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should I give my ignorant friend another chance?
Dear Susana
I have been diagnosed with Schizophrenia. I have had the illness since I was 20, or atleast that's when it was first diagnosed. I am 25 now. All of my close friends know about this, and treat me normally. I am on medication, and as long as I stay on my meds I can function normally. I am also living on a small disablity pension, because I can't work full time. I am allowed to work and make up to 400 dollars a months on top of my pension, but don't have to. I had been really active by volunteering at mental health and the food bank as a receptionist. I also do talks at the local highschools to students about having a mental illness.
Anyways, one of my "friends", or so I thought, did something really mean to me. He works at and owns a small cafe. He knows about my illness, and I THOUGHT was understanding. Anyways, I went in to visit him one day and he just went off on me, and started to say some really mean things. One of them was " so I guess you're just going to live off the system", and "arent you ever going to better your life". He also said it in a very mean and vindictive way. He was also the one to bring it up. I am perfectly happy with my life and am fullfilled. He started out by saying something ignorant like "so do your meds make you really wingy"? Then when I told him I wasnt planning on going back to work for a while, that is when he went off on me. He was so mean about it that I started to cry and left his cafe in tears. He never ran after me or apologized or phoned to see if I was okay.I also found out he was telling people what happened, but made it sound like I was the bad guy. It took me 3 weeks to finally settle down, and I decided to confront him face to face in his cafe. When I first went in, he saw me and smiled. But then when I told him that what he did to me really hurt me, and that I thought it was very judgemental, he GLARED at me and said "you needed to hear it!!". I started crying again and had to leave. All I wanted was an apology. I don't know what his problem is.
So my question to you is why do you think he's being such a jerk? We arent dating, were just friends. It's like he's trying to force me into employment when I'm not ready yet. It's not like I just sit on my ass all day, I do volunteer and keep busy and he knows this. Do you have any ideas at all why he would do this to me? And should I just give him some space, or tell him that I can't be friends with him anymore. He really hurt me. At one point I thought he might be interested in me romantically, but now I'm wondering differently.
Thankyou!
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
First I'd like to apologize for the long wait you've had for a response from me. For several days (as I'm sure you know) the site was unavailable, then I got sick. So I'm really sorry you had to wait.
Most especially I am REALLY sorry that this jerky "friend" of yours has caused you such undeserved grief! Unfortunately too many people do not understand mental disabilities nor do they understand the absolute necessity for disability pension in order to survive in an ever-changing world which it is when one suffers from a mental illness. I'm really happy for you that your meds seem to be helping you, but that does NOT take away from the fact that you still have an illness that people need to take seriously. Fortunately, from what you wrote, it sounds as though most of your friends are very supportive and understanding of your situation. It also sounds as though you are doing some marvelous things not only for yourself but for others. I'm referring to the volunteer work you do when you're up to it. Even volunteer work is WORK and it can be difficult to maintain when you have an illness - meds working well or not.
This guy DOES owe you an apology but it doesn't sound like you're apt to get one from him. The fact that he not only was offensive in his remarks to you but that he talked to other people about the incident proves to me that he is NOT the kind of person I would want to have as my friend. Perhaps, as he sees you better than you have been in the past, he has no real understanding of mental illnesses and the medications one must take to keep them under control. Maybe he is jealous of what he views as someone who does not "have to" work but can survive on her own with assitance and seems to HIM is well enough to work. Does that make sense? This only means that he is ignorant of many things and I am sorry for him. But this gives him NO right to come at you like he did and judge you for what you are doing to help yourself survive. You sound like a very strong woman who knows what you need to do and not do to make your life as even, comfortable, and "normal" as it should be FOR YOU! I don't know you, and I'm proud of you!
I know it's hard to let go of people who have been in our lives, especially as good friends. But I have learned that as the years go on, I learn from each and every person that comes into my life, even if I have to let them go at some point. Maybe there have been some wonderful things you've learned from this guy in the past? Maybe you could look at this whole incident as a learning experience: You were forced to see that what you are doing for yourself is the best thing for you and you don't need people in your life who are going to 1) judge you, 2) not be supportive of your needs, 3) not try to understand the full extent of what a mental illness can do to a person, and it doesn't necessarily come on consistently, 4) not "be there" when you most need them, and finally 5) talk about you to other people instead of dealing maturely with the situation directly with YOU.
If you had any romantic notions about this guy, I'd certainly be very glad to know NOW that he thinks the way he does. This is not the type of guy you would want as an intimate partner if he has no sensitivity or willingness to really understand your situation. I wish that he would apologize to you because he was obviously the "attacker." But again, I wouldn't expect that from him. My guess is that he is too into himself and his opinions to ever think that he needs to apologize to you. And even if he did, I wouldn't trust that he'd suddenly found insight into the whole situation.
If you don't want him out of your life completely, and you go into his cafe frequently, then just be prepared to have one or two lines to repeat over and over again to him if he asks you any questions or makes any uncalled-for statements. For example, you could repeat: "I'm here to enjoy your cafe and my friends. I'm not going to talk about this now or again. How are things with the cafe?" It may sound funny to repeat something like this over and over again, but believe me, it will get the point across. Do NOT allow yourself to get into a discussion with this man about your illness or your living/working situation. You know that what you are doing is good and RIGHT for YOU! In reality, you don't need anyone else's permission or acceptance to make this work for you. Yes, it makes life SO much easier when you have friends who DO accept and understand what you're doing. But remember, you DO have that in your life. But you do NOT need anyone's permission! And you certainly don't need anyone's judgment.
Good for you for working so hard at trying to make your life better! Surround yourself with loving, accepting people and you'll continue to be fulfilled and happy as you say you are now. Feel free to write to my e-mail address listed on my column if you want. I'd like to hear how you're doing. Right now, it sounds as though you're doing great! Good luck with everything.
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