HectorJr's advice column

askHectorJr

advice column ask question view feedback favorite columnist advicenators

Q: DO you think its ok for your boyfriend to have a girl "friend", where he went to her house ONCE,without your permission,and you never meet her before?

Realize that at one point, at least hopefully, your boyfriend was just a "friend" of yours too. You shouldn't have a problem with this, but if you have strong feelings about it, make sure you let him know. He may feel differently about it, but your relationship is not at all threatened by letting your boyfriend have other girl friends. Hope that helped.

Q: I'm married and have only been that way about a month or so.

My "husband" is a SERIOUS neutral party.
He rarely speaks, he rarely gets up and goes anywhere aside from work, and more and more I'm finding out just how different we are.

When we got together he put on a jolly good show, but now that he's got the girl...the show's over folks...

Here is my complication.
I live in the states with him.
My BEST FRIEND, is in love with me and has proposed to me countless amounts of times (and still begs me to move overseas to be with him).

He says, if I get there I won't have to worry about where we live or whatever because he will have it taken care of. He says he KNOWS we're meant to be together and that he can make me the happiest woman in the world. I want to be happy.

I love my best friend, and he knows far more about me than anyone on this earth. He's literally prince charming. (Tall, dark, handsome, kind.)
We have the same tastes and have had our fair share of healthy disagreements.

My "husband" (quotations used to emphasis emotional absence) is insanely jealous? Upset? With the fact that we, being my best friend and I, get along so well. He keeps telling me that he wants me to stop talking to my best friend.

It's now been about 2 months since I've seen my best friend. My "husband" wouldn't let my best friend come to the wedding! This is the longest we've ever been without one another. I miss him a lot.

WHAT DO I DO?!

Annulment?
Divorce?
Just Deal?

My "husband" and I have tried to talk it out, and by try I mean...
I express my feelings as he walks around the house cleaning up or whatever. He then says "I don't give a shit anymore!" or "Whatever! Go do your own thing then!" He's even called me selfish on more than one occasion!

...Help?
If there is any..

This is a very tough situation. I can understand how your husband feels about your best friend - he is the go to person, the one you get along with, the confidant, that your husband feels he should be. Realize that the qualities and characteristics of your friendship between you and your best friend, if present between you and your husband, would probably melt away any problems or tensions you are facing. In other words, you seem to be too close to your best friend, and not close enough to your husband. That alone is going to, perhaps already has, cause tension because you may feel that he should respect you and your friendship with the man, especially because he is your best friend; further, he may feel that the attention, time spent, and quality of time spent should be directed to him instead of another person, and that it should be done because you actually chose to marry him and not your best friend.

There are obviously things that you do not feel comfortable sharing with your husband, or things that you do not feel your husband can provide for you right now - otherwise, he would already be your best friend. Whether to remedy this by choosing to try and save your marriage and let go of your best friend, or vice versa, or even just drop it all together, I am not sure. I would strongly suggest you communicate with both of them, and consider professional marriage counseling. The underlying issues may be ones that can be dealt with using a few weeks of patience and self-awareness, or they could run much deeper and be dealt with by either reaching a compromise, or even not have to do with the fact that you are best friends with another man. Talk this over with your husband as soon as possible. Hope that helped and good luck.

Q: First off, I'm 21 years old. I'm not obsessively neat or anything but I do have this thing about checking things over and over again and worry that something horrible will happen if I fail to do something. For example, I set 4 alarm clocks because I think if I'm late to work, I'll be fired, even though I've never been late and know a first time offense doesn't warrant firing. This sounds weird, but I always check light switches and unplug everything in my bedroom before leaving for the day. I can't leave without doing that.

Another thing I do is replay in my head every conversation I've had that day and somehow manage to find something horrible I said or did in each one. For example, I was joking around with my boss today and now I'm being paranoid that maybe he didn't understand I was joking, even though he seemed to be laughing about it along with two of my co-workers, and will have it out for me from now on. This has me really, really worried right now.

There are dozens of other things that I won't list, but when is it the time to go to a doctor and what can they do for OCD if that's what I have? Does this sound normal, maybe? I don't want to have a disorder, especially OCD!

If you want a legitimate diagnosis, seek medical attention. I do know from my studies (I'm a medical student), that there can sometimes be a fine line between just showing symptoms of OCD, and actually being diagnosed with it.

The main point about OCD is that while it sounds like you may have some signs, such as recurring rituals or fear that terrible things will happen if you don't do things a certain way, it will be diagnosed officially if this is something that affects your daily life. I know it may sound complicated, because you already notice these things, but there is a difference between just noticing your rituals and whether it stops you from doing your "every day life" things.

For example, if your rituals actually made you late to work since you had to check things a certain number of times, and it became a habit that you were aware of, others noticed and pointed out to you, but you could not free yourself from it, then that's an example of how it is interfering with your everyday life. Taking excessive amounts of time for routine activities is an indicator of this. Also, if you lose touch with people, in terms of your communication skills with them and reach a point where rituals or other things prevent you from properly telling them what you need to or follow a conversation, then that would be another instance of how it is affects your daily life.

Once these ideas, thoughts, and actions consume you, pull you away from your family and other things you need to devote time to for your physical and mental health (such as losing sleep over it), then it can be easier to diagnose as OCD.

The treatments for OCD vary, but most often are combined with behavioral therapy and medication. Somewhat of a "baby-step" approach is taken to gradually help the patient. You can see a doctor at any time about this, the sooner the better. If you already feel like these problems may be consuming you and your daily activities, then don't wait much longer. Feel free to ask me other questions about it if you need more information. Hope that helped and good luck.

Q: how many pills of tylenol would you have to take to die from it?

The answer to this question would depend upon the person. The same amount that could overdose and kill an infant may not have the same effects on a 25 year-old healthy adult. Plus (without going into too many details) there are other factors to be taken into considerations as well, such as current health status.

Either way, I've posted a link: http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/002598.htm . In general, the recommended limit (spread throughout twenty-four hours), is 4000mg, or roughly 8 500mg pills, which for Tylenol is sometimes the 'extra strength' label.

I had two friends, one of which is no longer alive, who tried to commit suicide by using a pain-killer to overdose. For the friend who did not pass away, she tried to take nearly a dozen pills at once; permanent liver damage was done and she is now has heart problems - luckily she was treated quickly for this. So like I said, there is no 'set number' for a minimum, as it depends on the person, but regardless, the indications posted are for everyone's health. If you need more information you can look on this website, as it is pretty reliable. Hope that helped.

Q: Kay, so my boyfriend openly talks about girls he thinks are hot, and it sort of makes me feel awkward.

I wouldn't mind if he put it another way (e.g. 'I think *this girl* is pretty' or 'I think this girl is attractive) but he says it along the lines of "*THIS GIRL* IS SO GOD DAMN HOT" and it makes me feel awkward. He'll just bring it up too when it had nothing to do with the conversation...

e.g. I mentioned to him how I was always scared to bring home boyfriends because of my sister's good looks. He then said something along the lines of 'Oh she sounds hot' when he asked for a description of her. He also randomly went on about how "god damn hot" his friend's sister is... and just before I mentioned I lost my keys and he went on about how Alicia Keys is 'hot'...

Am I being out of line? I don't mind if he thinks other girls are attractive, just because he's with me doesn't mean feelings for others change. But I think he could either just discuss it with friends, or word it better when discussing it with me.

I'm sort of sensitive to this stuff, because my ex boyfriend did this, but ten times worse (he would constantly bring how much he wanted sex with other girls and that sort of stuff into it as well) so I feel as if I may be scarred from that experience, but it's taught me to deal with this stuff early on.

No you are not out of line - you aren't really doing or saying things about it yet, at least not drastically. You aren't out of line for feeling this way. Definitely bring it up to him exactly how you worded it here. I'm sure he wouldn't mind toning it down a bit. Be open and communicative with him. Hope that helped and good luck.

Q: okay..this is a really long story..and i'm sorry for such a long question..

okay..so me and this guy are kinda friends that are thrown together..cause our parents are best friends. he's older..but he's got a girlfriend and the last time i heard..maybe about two months ago..maybe more, he was in love with her. she's still in love with him..she plans on having kids with him..i'm not too sure about him though. so anyways..me and him are kinda friends..we text. and he's always really flirty with me..and it seems like he has feelings for me. the things he say..the way he acts..all this. he's always randomly texting me to ask what i'm doing. but he acts different at different times..like some nights he'll be all over me..other nights he's just okay..others he's ignoring me. and this one time we were talking about relationship labels and he said.." well what if me and you had feelings for each other and were in a relationship?" and another times he's always asking me to help and he usually makes sure were alone. and he's always asking to hang out and stuff. and this one time me and him were both sitting outside at night just me and him and he had a good conversation with me. about his girlfriend..he told me that he wasent sure he wanted her to come camping with us, cause she wants to grow up too fast, and he dosent.

so idk really what to think about it anymore..my best friend thinks he likes me..but i dont really know anymore..so what do you guy's think?

You need to talk to him about it. Find out for sure if he has feelings for you or not. Don't look for 'clues' or anything like that to make you think that he likes you. If he really does, he will most likely be straight forward with you about it. And if he really does have feelings for you, then there must be a reason for why he hasn't said anything to you yet - and it could just be that he was afraid of what you might think or react to it. Anyways, sit him down and have a talk with him about it because it's not fair to you to keep going back and forth like this, especially with him being flirty. Put your foot down about it (unless you don't mind at all). Don't be afraid to talk to him about this, since he also needs to mature about all of this. Hope that helped and good luck.

Q: Im a female and only thirteen but has had sex for the first time with someone i thought i really liked and i thought he really liked me back. But like after we did he told everybody lies and stuff like saying I was gonna cry and stuff. I will admit it hurt really really badly but i wasn't gonna cry. Also he broke up with me and now it feels like i have the weight of the world on my shoulders because i know he is gonna tell everybody but i feel really guilty because of my mom and i wanna tell her but shes all i have and I dont wanna hurt her. So should I tell her? and if i do how can I?

You should speak to your mother and explain to her the situation. If she is all you have (and you are all she has) then I'm sure that above all that open line of communication and trust will be appreciated. I'm sure she will always listen to what you have to say. It's easier said than done, but make sure that when you bring it up you have her attention and let her know that it is important. Hope that helped and good luck.

Q: ive heard that trust, communication, and love are 3 things you need in order to have a healthy relationship. we trust eachother, we communicate(most of the time, its mostly me communicating. but he does, sometimes, when somethings really bugging him), and we're totally head over heals for eachother, as far as i know. and yet, we're still having problems! we get in fights every other day and end up not talking for a few days, and im so sick of being stressed out by all this,

how can i fix this? any advice?

Try to focus more on being best friends than being boyfriend and girlfriend for a bit. I could go into details (please message me if you would like me to). I'll keep it short here.

While you were right that trust, communication, and love are three essentials for a healthy relationship, you must realize that they are not the only things. Relying on just these three entities will not guarantee you a stress-free relationship. Far from it, and as it seems it is now, you will end up struggling trying to balance and make up for other aspects of your relationship and friendship that are not in harmony.

Try to relax a bit with each other. Learn to give and learn to take. If you guys hit bumps, then that is totally natural. Don't get too upset about it, but make sure you at least make an effort to go back and talk about or fix them every once in a while, because it doesn't have to be right there at that moment.

So you guys argue over something? You didn't like his tone? How upset his choice of words made you? Well those are things that you can approach him about, but let him know that it is a two way street and there may be things he did not like about it either. It isn't a time for either of you to be defensive about it at all, so try hard to let him know that and keep yourself away from being defensive, or offensive for that matter.

Learn to listen to each other without the fear that it will cause damage. As long as you make that effort to just get along as friends and best friends, the rest will fall into place. Hope that helped and good luck.

Q: Hello, all. This is "LagunaBabe," and I'm in need of a little help here. I have been laying out every other day, trying to get a good tan, and for some reason, it's just not getting me tan fast enough, or well enough, for my liking. I am using Hawaian Tropic tanning spray, which is one of the best, but I may not be laying out long enough, etc.

Do you have any tips, tricks or suggestions for getting a real tan laying out?

Drink plenty of carrot juice. Not sure the science behind it, but if you do (for about two weeks or so), your skin will absorb the sun rays much better. Also, your tan will last a lot longer. Hope that helped!

Q: I need help entering formulas into my calculator and saving them for an exam in my geometry class. my teacher said we are aloud to do it but we have to figure it out on our own. When i enter them i have make sure they dont get deleted or im fucked.

You might be better off just searching for programs online. From there, you should be able to preview and download plenty of different programs that are very specific and even help with some circles on the graph. You will need the USB cable and the software for it. Hope that helped.

Q: Dear Advice,

Im fat and ive tried everything from pills to being a little anarexic. What should I do.

Hey there. What do you mean by being a little anorexic? Anorexia is a mental disorder and is very dangerous, so I hope you haven't gone too far into that.

Anyways, to avoid the repetitious answers given out by many, the 3 part answer to this can be summed up by this: make a lifestyle change. You need to eat healthy, exercise, and sleep. Most people leave the sleep part out. The lifestyle change is a very gradual thing. So to keep it short, there is no quick fix. Everything comes with hard work, discipline, and keeping a clear outlook on what your goals and motivations are. Hopefully this works out for you if you really are at a position where you could or should lose some weight. Believe it or not, a lot of people who try don't really need to or should be putting on weight...but I hope that is not the case for you. Hope that helped and good luck.

Q: how do you have sex in the water.

You don't. It is very harmful to the girl and can cause severe complications for her. Not to go into too much detail, but with the bacteria and the pressure, it just doesn't create a very good situation. Hope that helps.

Q: I get awful acne on my back chest and my arms and i don't know what to use to get rid of it. I get random breakouts on my face but its just a few zits so its not really a big deal. I'm ver self conscious about my acne and i've tried body washes but none of them seem to work. I hate having to hide because i have this problem. So what should i use or what should i do?

Remember to approach it from both sides of the fence - outside as well as the inside of your body. This happens to people for many different reasons. Simple changes like drinking more water and avoiding sugary drinks, daily exercise, and a more vegetarian-style eating works great for some. Try it out and see what happens when you do: give yourself an honest and solid two to four weeks and note any results.

Try to see if a dermatologist would recommend for you retin-a micro - its a powerful, prescription only medication that helps with this situation. You only use very little (I'm talking like barely any) as directed, either daily, weekly, twice a day, etc. Anyways, hope that helped and good luck.

Q: 15/f
this is a VERY long story, but im gonna try to lay this out as short as possible and please, im desperate here, you have NO clue what i've been through these past few months, and i need all the help i can get..

last year i met a REALLY sensative guy. he was 16, about to be 17, and i was 14.. he was soooo shy, hes VERY insecure. when we first started dating, all he said to me was how i saved him and pulled him out of his misery because he has had no luck with relationships and was treated like shit by girls his whole life. hes not even that cute and popular, and i have a waaay higher social status in my grade/ school then he does in his grade.. but ive been known to have wierd taste and i can look beyond looks and things like that very easily. i think when we first started dating him i was just excited over the fact that he had a car and he was a junior and i was only a freshmen.. but i actually did end up falling in love with him. and he was COMPLETELY in love with me. we lost our virginities to eachother and ill tell you, im smart, and not at all a bit naiive.. i knew this kid loved me. & we did NOT have a sex based relationship whatsoever.. we became eachothers best friends. both of us lost all of our other friends because we were only with eachother 24-7. he called my mom 'mom' and i did the same with his mom.. we were incredibly close.. and sense he was older, i felt so comftorbal and secure with him, and i went to him with all my problems, and he would help me.. ive been suffering from depression for years and me and my mother never had a good relationship, and my father left me, and i was molested as a baby.. but when i was with him, he made me feel so comftorbal. we told eachother EVERYTHING. and i was postive he was there to stay. he promised me forever every single day. we dated for a year. i messed it up, biggest mistake of my entire life.. he started getting very annoying and up my ass. you know when youre in a bad mood and you just want to be left alone? well he would never leave me alone. he'd be like 'its okay babe i love you' bla bla. all mushy, when i just want to be mad!. i tried talking to him about this many times and all he could say was im sorry i just love you soooo much i cant help it.. all my friends called him whipped cream and everything.. it was BAD. but anyways, one night i was out with my friends the day before a cheer competition, and my ex was there.. and somewhere along the lines, we kissed.. my boyfriends friend was there and told him that if i didnt tell him, he was going to.. i knew he wasnt going to break up with me or anything.. so i told him.. but the thing is.. i think i was looking for a fight with him because our relationship was so boring. when i told him, it pissed me off how he was crying instead of being mad, yelling at me. so i started saying things to make him mad.. i said TERRIBLE things. like i was gonna keep cheating on him because he basically lets me, and how i know i take advantage of him because he trusts me so much but i shouldnt.. and he was like well maybe i have to break up with you then.. and he was like i really dont want to. and i was like fine just do it idont care! yelling at him and stuff.. and then he did. i was thinking we would get back together in a couple weeks.. so after we broke up, we still talked because we obv. still loved eachother and everything. we acted like we were going out, and we even 'hooked up' a few times.. but when he asked me back out, i kept saying no, i wasnt ready.. because the relationship was SOOO akward after we broke up.. he was acting so different. and i knew why. it was because i broke his heart. and i did, bad. so one day after we hooked up, my friend told me that her brother saw my 'boyfriend, x-boyfriend, whatever u wanna call him' at a store.. and he was saying how he was done with me and he was trying to get with this new girl 'leesh'.. i was FURIOUS. i called him up screaming at him asking for all my stuff back and it was over for good and everything. but really, i wanted an appology from him, not my stuff back. btw, i was very remorsful for cheating on him and saying what i said to him, i mustve appologized a million times.. but he didnt say anything, he justgave me all my stuff back and acted like it was nothing.. and then i kept trying to get him back, but he kept rejecting me. i was litterally down on my knees for this kid. until one day i found out he had a girlfriend. not just some girl.. the girl who dates ALL the boys that i date after me.. but thats a whole nother story.. anyways, i was devistated. i couldnt eat, i couldnt talk, i couldnt sleep, i couldnt go to school,, nothing. all i did was cry and cry and cry and cry. i tried talking to him seeing if we could be friends and stuff, but he hates me now. if i send him one text, he shuts his phone off. he goes all different ways in the halls so i dont have to see him in school, he wont even look my way. he saw me practically drown in my own tears and he didnt even care. i wrote him long long letters, i tried everything i could just to be able to talk to him when i need to, so i wouldnt be so hurt about the situation.. now, i have two weeks left of school and im failing 4 classes.. and im an honors student. i DONT fail. its not me. and im grounded because of it, so i cant even go out and try to forget it. its been sense thhe end of february... and still,all i can think about is killing myself.. people say they are heart broken.. but this gives heart broken a new definition. there is litterally a hole in my chest. and i keep getting maaaassive anxiety attacks in class, and i do go to counceling wich is sort of helpful but we mostly talk about my parents.. three days ago, she broke up with him. and he was very upset from what i heard.. he hasnt tried talking to me or anything but i dont know what to do, i want to talk to him but he'll just ignore me.. i love this kid and care about him with my life. today i thought i was going to DIE. it was the last day of school for the seniors. the last time ill EVER see him again. the last time ill ever get to look for him i the halls so i can walk by him.. that was the only time i ever got to see him, and today was my last day. and when i walked by him for the very last time of my life today, he didnt even look at me. it was so painful. he couldnt even have the heart to say bye to me considering im his first love and helll never see me again. i havent been able to stop crying sense i last saw him. i dont even know what to do with my life any more. someone PLEEEEEASE tell me what to do to get him back. ANNYTHING. I AM DESPERATE FOR HELP. we had such a good relationship till i cheated and we Never ever had one fight. but you dont even understand. this kid wouldnt even look at any other girls, deleted all the girls in his phone book, couldnt go an hour without texting me just saying he loved me, couldnt go a day withouth seeing me, brought me flowers randomly, did EVERYTHING for me. how can you love someone so much and go through everything we've been through together, and then just completely shut them out of your life?

This is tough...

On one side, I want to tell you to do what you can to get a hold of him and ask for once more chance to talk to him to see what he wants.

But on the other, I would say it might be better for you to just leave it go all together.

While the second might seem a bit harsh and even tough to consider doing, I think that you need to re-examine your feelings about him and about the relationship you had. If what you really want back are the things he's done for you and how he treated you, then rest assured - you can find someone to do the same for you again. However, if you feel that what you really did love was him as a person, then it might be different. Realize that what you did to him was, as much as you regret it now and can't undo it, very hurtful for him.

Try to find it within yourself to see if you can let go. Getting him back might not be realistic. More so, you've already been trying for some time now. It might even complicate things further now that he is going to college. Are you interested in just talking to him as friends? Or are you looking to get back to that cloud nine relationship you had? If you really are looking for a relationship, then don't keep trying for it.

But if you really are just looking to talk to him as a friend, then try to get in touch with him to let him know that and ask him if he'd want that. If he rejects talking to you or shows no sign of wanting to continue at this point in time, then do not continue to waste your time - you will regret it. Prioritize your family and friends, and make sure you give yourself time to enjoy the things you do. Relax with music, games, whatever! Continue your counseling and make sure you don't lose yourself over this. If you need help later on or maybe even sooner about this, feel free to get a hold of me. Hope that helped and good luck!

Q: i feel so sad hearing sad songs want to die feel unwanted im 13 and im so lonely

Hey there! Not so sure if you have depression. Unfortunately - although I wish help like this was professionally available as easily online - diagnosing depression is going to prove difficult over the internet, whether on a forum, checklist, or even medical sites.

Listening to sad songs and feeling sad isn't necessarily a sign of depression. But you say you want to die? Hmmm...I mean I can suggest try pandora.com and listen to music that isn't so sad or so emo. Try classic rock! I'm not so sure why you feel like you want to die either, but if these thoughts spring into your mind at random times or quite often, then please talk to someone about it - be it close family members, teachers, and especially a doctor. I'd suggest friends, but sometimes that can actually do more harm than help - but you are more than welcome to seek your friends for some help, even if it means going out to have fun. Feel better and I hope this helps.

Q: ok so i really like this guy and he said he likes me (he even said he loved me) but were not going out officially, were just friends with benefits really. we've hooked up a few times but we've never really talking about being in a relationship, but i kinda want to be in one with him.. idk it sounds retarded but i dont know what to do. any advice?

Cut out the 'benefits' part. Try to be just regular friends with him and take it from there. If after drawing the line and not hooking up with him he becomes distant, then it doesn't seem like a relationship is even possible if a friendship doesn't start. So talk to him, let him know how you feel and find out how he feels. Try to go from a friendship and build it up from there, it doesn't have to always be about intimacy. Hope that helped and good luck.

Q: guitar hero 3 for the pc ups and downs? can you download more songs on it? how do you connect guitar and can you buy a sperate guitar and play two players? can you play online?

http://www.gamespot.com/pc/puzzle/guitarheroiii/review.html?om_act=convert&om_clk=tabs&tag=tabs;reviews

The Good
* The best tracklist of any Guitar Hero game to date
* Lots of master tracks from the original bands and artists
* Higher difficulty level ensures experienced players won't get bored quickly.

The Bad
* Higher difficulty level ensures most people's arms will fall off halfway through the expert career
* Battle mode and boss battles aren't interesting additions
* A heavy dose of in-game advertising
* Sluggish performance, even on systems that surpass the minimum system requirements
* Online play has some connection issues.

There is more info on the website. Hope that helped.

Q: when is it too early to loose your virginity. not only age wise but relationship wise, physically, emotionally.

thank you!
and i know this is an opinionated question but thats what i want. people's opinions

I don't think it has too much to do with how in love you are, but also if you can single-handily accept any and all responsibilities and consequences that come for your own actions. It might not matter how much in love you are with the other person, if you choose to make a decision then YOU should be able to handle anything that can (and most often does) go wrong. A breakup, pregnancy not ready for, health complications, emotional issues, just to name a few. So it depends entirely on the person.

Its too early when you can't accept all the possible responsibilities or consequences from your actions; when you expect that those who you did things with will ALWAYS be there; when you depend on others for a living; when you have any doubts about this situation; when you can't think for yourself.

You can look back and say that years ago, people never actually had problems from waiting until marriage for this. If problems arose it was because of personal compatibility issue, or others such as finances, emotions, etc. I haven't heard of anyone say that waiting until marriage actually ruined the relationship. I have heard, however, that while dating, especially in high school, taking those kind of decisions has ruined relationships, and in some cases people's lives because they weren't ready to deal with health issues, including emotional ones and having to care for someone else. Some people have made decisions to wait for marriage, others not, and sometimes it works out for some when they decide not to wait.

So yeah, do you need to love the person? Of course, why not? But is that all it takes for the green lights to go...definitely not. When you take something like sex as serious as it is, then its easier to deal with it, and if anything comes your way afterwards, the seriousness you had before will most likely help out with most things afterwards. Hope that helped.

Q: Hi there. So, I'm in a bit of a dilemma these days. I'm at a fork in the road where I have to make a decision that might change the rest of my life. Let me just get to it.

A few months ago I got to hang out with a friend of mine... we begun to really hang out a lot, go on trips together, and just have a great time in each other's company. I began to realize that she is an incredible person who I could actually see myself possibly settling with. Nothing physical happened, though, b/c she is getting out of a long-term relationship and wasn't ready emotionally to move on yet. We just enjoyed hanging out with each other (practically everyday for 2 months) but, didn't talk about moving forward b/c of reason mentioned above. She's not from the U.S. and has recently traveled back to her home country to take care of a few things but, plans on being back here in a few months...

On the job front, I've just been potentially been offered a position that would start in a few weeks. The thing is, the job goes until October and, once I'm there, there's no leaving, visitors, packages sent, or any other contact other than e-mail and an occasional phone call. Except for the 40 or so other folks I'd be working with, it's total isolation. This is what I believe to be a once in a lifetime opportunity and, I could use the money. Like I said, I'd have to stay there until October at the minimum.

So, do I forget about the job, go after this incredible woman and hope something comes of it or do I take the once in a lifetime job and hope that she's still available/interested when I get back?

Ii just read that I should include my age, as it might make a difference... I'm in my early 30's.

Sounds tough. If you take the job, its a guarantee, but you risk losing the chance with your friend. If you decide to try and take things further with your friend, you lose the job but also take the chance that things might work out. There seems to be more safety in taking the job than it trying to go for a relationship.

If you were to think of having the job and having a relationship each worth a single point, then taking the job would guarantee you 1 point, and leaves you open for a still possible 2 points later on. If you forget the job and try to form a relationship, then your betting your money [no pun intended] on getting 1 point, with no way of getting back the other one. My point is that you have no guarantees with trying to form the relationship, but at least have one with the job.

If you don't mind the job and aren't dreading it, and it is the chance of a lifetime to do, then why not go for it? Also, you said she plans on being here in a few months. So she's not here yet? Again, something might come up and prevent her from coming back...and who's to say that she won't meet someone else to be more than friends with outside the US?

While it does seem like a great opportunity to keep things going with her, that might take time and work out great. If things fall apart all too quickly, you might have regrets about not taking the job. While normally I would say to put love before work, you aren't officially dating or actually married, so everything that could happen is up for grabs, including nothing happening at all.

My advice is to take the job. It still leaves the chance open for something to happen later. You could still keep in touch here and there with her. It doesn't seem to be a long-term friendship, for over several years, so those feelings and good times could just be short-lived. At least with your job, you'll earn some money and maybe even have the time to form other friendships there. Hope that helped and good luck.

Q: What that one disease called where like something happens to you and like you freak out cause u think its liek ALOT worse then it is? i think it starts with an H

I think you might mean hypochondriac:
A person who has hypochondriasis, a disorder characterized by a preoccupation with body functions and the interpretation of normal body sensations (such as sweating) or minor abnormalities (such as minor aches and pains) as portending problems of major medical moment. Reassurance by physicians and others only serves to increase the hypochondriac's persistent anxiety about their health. Hope that helped.

bio

Feel free to ask me any questions or for an alternate way of contacting me through my inbox.

I really like giving advice, so thats why I have a column here. I've been inactive for a long time, but I'm back and will do my best to catch up. Advicenators is a great site and it is what we make it. Having my own advice column helped me learn a lot of new things, even about myself, while giving me the chance to help others along the way. Thanks.