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Domestic Abuse
I'm a 19 year old female babysitter, and I know this is a big accusation, but I think the father of of the family is abusive to the mother and possibly children.
I just started working with this family and they have five kids. The mother is a very petite woman who strikes me as being anxious. Yesterday when I was there, the mother was trying to set up a rental crib for their 2 year old (they're on vacation) and it was a crappy piece of sh*t and one of the wheels came off. She was already very pissed off because she called the company and they were of no help, so when the 12 year old son came in the room and asked what to do with the wheel, she told him, "Use your head. It needs to be put back on the crib," I was standing right there, she wasn't aggressive with how she said it. Well the son threw the wheel on the ground and started screaming how he did nothing to her so why is she freaking out on him. It was frightening to see how aggressive he was toward his mother, and I bet you anything he got it from his father.
About ten minutes later, the father came storming into the room and kept telling her how mean she was and that their son did nothing to merit being scolded when he was just bringing back the wheel. He grabbed her arm and pulled her out into the hallway because he "needed to talk to her privately." while she said, "You're hurting me, let go!" He kept calling her mean and said she "better apologize". The way she responded to him was like a child trying to explain themselves to her father for being caught doing something wrong. The power he had over her was sick.
Then when they were unloading groceries and their daughter had three bags of chips in her hand, the father told her to put them down and go get more groceries from the car. He aggressively kept saying, "Put them down! Put them down! Put them down!" before she even had the chance to set them on the counter because it was covered in other groceries. There was no reason for him to act that way because she was in the process of doing it but he didn't even give her time.
Does this sound like a possibly abusive situation to anyone else? What should I do? I'm only babysitting for them for just one week before they go back home.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Abusive Relationships?
The columnists before me have had some great suggestions for you, but I have a couple things to add.
First and foremost, yes, your safety must be your first priority. That being said, IF you decide that the situation warrants a call to the police, tell them that you need to remain anonymous. If this father is really abusive as he seem to be, he could go after you. Not necessarily physically, but appearances are everything with these men. He'd sue you for slander, and as much as (if you're anything like me) you'd like to save the family, it's best not to get involved.
HOWEVER...
If you see marks on anyone, the mother included, ask about them. Use your instincts here. Five fingertip-shaped bruises on someone's arm are not likely to be from falling. Legally, if you witness physical abuse, you need to report it to the appropriate authorities (Police, or Child Protective Services, depending). Unfortunately, emotional abuse and fear-mongering is much more difficult to prove.
I am in agreement with the columnist who mentioned that the mother will probably defend the father and deny abuse. There's a disengagement of morals that occurs within abusive relationships and perpetuates the behavior on part of both the victim and the perpetrator. Talk to your supervisor, maybe (and ask them to keep your name out of it), or put an anonymous call into the authorities next time they get loud. That way the blame can't be traced back to you.
Keep legality and ethics in mind while you're in this situation, but above all be careful, and be safe.
Be smart. Trust your gut.
Siren
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If you were ever to listen to my Aunt and Uncle, my god parents, you would swear it was an abusive relationship. They always hollered and screamed at each other but that is the way they were. They were New Yorkers, loud people but they loved each other and never hurt each other.
Mental abuse is just as bad or even worse than physical abuse as the abuse can't be seen. While I agree with the first writer that the woman should ask for help the problem of mental abuse is it so wears the person they may not be able to ask for help.
The only thing I can advise you is this: If you think there is an abuse going on then it is better to error on the side of caution and speak with the police. Let them decide if anything is wrong or warrants an investigation. Once you have informed the police then you have done what you can to to protect their women and her daughter from the husband/father.
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Mind your own damn business or find another job. Let me tell you something about abusive relationships (and I was in one) and even though I'm not one of these types of girls, many women will defend their abusive husbands to the death. They will throw you under the bus to save their no good husband (assuming that he is no good). So mind your own damn business. You may not want to hear it, but I have personally heard from people who have been attacked trying to help the "helpless woman". She wants to be with him and when SHE is ready to leave him, she will and she certainly won't need you (and if she does, she will ask for your help). I don't mean to sound cold or anything but it is what it is. If you don't like it, GET A NEW JOB working with different people. And if you don't learn this now the easy way, you will learn it one day the hard way and REALLY get your feelings hurt.
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You should take a deep breath and remember that most people's families look at least a bit ugly when you get this close.
Does this mean what you saw is okay? No. It's not. It's awful behavoir. Not loving. Not healthy. Not how families should interact with each other. In that sense, it is abusive.
But what you saw is also not illegal and not criminal. It's not something to call child protective services about. There is nothing to you can report.
It is possible that criminal abuse is going on here? Yes. It's possible. But you haven't told us of any actual evidence of it. Lots of people are loud, obnoxious assholes who bully and grab at their family members. In many cases, it does stop there.
So, what you should do:
If you fear for YOUR safety, ever, even for a second. Then you should quit. You can always quit. Make a plan to keep yourself safe if you need to leave, but remember that is what you should do if you fear for yourself.
You should remember that there is no law against being a total asshole (unfortunately) and that there are reasons that women choose to marry and have kids with total assholes.
You should listen, carefully, to what is said to you. If there physical violence that should be reported to authorities, do it. If the mother opens up to you, it might be good to be ready with some services or people she could call for advice and help.
But in the end, you are an employee. Your three main responsibilities are, in this order:
Keep yourself safe.
Report any abuse that meets the legal requirements and must be reported. (That generally means physical abuse of the children, you are legally required to report it if you witness it.)
Do your job.
And if I were in your shoes, I'd never agree to work for this family again, and depending on my relationship with the mom, I might tell her why.
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