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cutting as an adult
20/f
I would like to state that I am a 20 year old adult. I cut and have since I was 13. I'm not depressed but am going through a very stressful time. I know this issue may be more common in younger teenagers but I'm an adult and am not in the same mentality as a younger individual so, please take that into consideration to those of you who are kind enough to help me. when I was younger I tried to seek help but with my experience asking for help did more harm than good so i haven't told anyone since I was 13. This issue has carried on with me and hasn't gone away and I don't know how to stop. I've tried many times to stop but all I have managed to do is get better control over it at times. I've thought about going to counseling but am scared because of my prior experience and wonder if it is even necessary. i have a hard time sleeping without cutting because I feel so overwhelmed. sometimes when I do I'm happy. I don't understand why I do or why I cant stop.
Thank you for the help
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Melody is right on track with acknowledging cutting as an addiction. The thing about addictions is that they become part of us; habits that we have to make a choice to unlearn, or at least to change or adjust. The fact that you've managed to get better control over the cutting at times is commendable for sure.
I'm a little unclear on this part, though:
"sometimes when I do I'm happy."
Do you mean that cutting makes you feel happy, or that you're sometimes happy when you feel the urge to cut?
If you mean that cutting makes you feel happy, that's normal - it releases endorphins, which are a feel-good neurotransmitter. Basically, those are your body's natural painkiller.
If you mean you're sometimes happy when you feel the urge and it isn't just stress or other "negative" emotions that are a trigger, I believe that speaks to the habitual nature of the addiction. I know I sound coldly clinical right now, but I think you could use some hard facts right now. I personally always handle things better when I understand what it is I'm dealing with.
Take a look at this: [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
This is essentially the cycle of how we change behavior. Melody's advice to do something else that produces endorphins is excellent. That's why I run. Maybe running isn't your thing, though - try something else physical. Get your heart pounding for a minute or two and see if you can't stop yourself from cutting, even just that one time.
Realize that this is a process, and that it will not happen overnight... which is the reason I have to tell you that for something like this, you DO need a therapist. But as those before me have mentioned, you need someone you click with. I've actually seen I think twelve different therapists since I was 14. A few of them changed offices or moved and I chose not to follow them, but there were a few of them that were just not what I needed or wanted. If you ever just don't click with a therapist, that's more than enough reason to try to find someone else.
Anyway. I could type your ear off, but I don't want to overwhelm you with information or babble. If you have any questions about anything I've written here, or about the stages of change model, please feel free to drop a question in my inbox.
I hope this was helpful. You ARE strong enough to change this. You just need the right guidance.
Siren
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To start I am going to mention something that borders on Spirituality. You have your higher self which hears from the Universe or that part of the Creator that dwells in you...this is your source of guidance, you have your awake/conscious self and you are also made up of your subscious self or inner child.
I believe it is your inner child who is afraid of going to see a counselor because at 13, you didnt have a voice and control of the treatment you got becuase you were still under age. Now that you are of age, you can try several counselors until you find one that works. Talk to yourself, really your inner child and acknowledge you know how scared she is. Tell her you promise not to stay with any counselor that you both don't like. When a human child knows their feelings and needs are being addressed, they will calm down, so will your inner child. This is where all your emotions lie. It is also where the reason for you cutting yourself can be found.
You might read some books on getting to know your inner child because once you have established good communication with her, and she feels confidant in your conscious self, she will tell you what is troubling her. This will come in handy for making it easier for a counselor to help you. If you do go searching for a book look for one that goes from a psychology view rather than a new age view that says to take time to sit on a swing or jump rope, etc... for the inner child which is important but will not help your issues right now.
I do wonder what was happening in your life those few years before you started cutting. Your conscious self may not have thought it a big deal but whatever it was traumatized your inner child/subconscious. Your sub can be like a totally different person inside of you, even with her own name. I'd always known mine fairly well but once i met my 2nd husband, i learned more. His inner child/sub had a name. So he asked the name of mine as if we all know that kind of thing. I said, I dont know what it would be. The instant I spoke the words, I heard inside my head, My name is Selena! I work much more closely with Selena and find I can head off problems before she becomes too upset now. Try talking to yours. It'll take a while to hear her answers in your head. Once you're on good terms, she is the one who will hear and pass on the messages that come from higher guidance to you. So it is a very important step to master in life. Good luck dear.
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I like Melody's advice on trying to do something else until that urge passes.
Since that last time you went to try counseling or therapy was a lot time ago, I'd give it another shot.
If you don't find a counselor or therapist that you like, then try others. I'm sure they can get to the bottom of why you still do it. I do believe since you started when you were so young and now years later you still do it, is because it's all you've ever known. This was the way you always dealt with the pain.
So maybe they could help you deal with being overwhelmed better and help you manage stress better. I'm sure you know that leaving this like it is won't be helping you so at least try it out.
In the meantime, try to find other ways to relieve your stress. Good luck and I really hope everything works out.
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I started cutting when I was 13 as well (I'm 22 now). I cut quite regularly for a good 2 or 3 years. Eventually my mama sent me to a therapist. Unlike you, I didn't have a particularly negative experience, but it wasn't positive either. Counseling did not help me either way. They tried putting me on medication (Zoloft) which did nothing for me. So eventually I stopped going.
My need to cut was quite strong throughout high school. Any time I felt stressed or overwhelmed I would cut; it became a part of my everyday routine before I knew it. It's an addiction. That's the first thing you have to realize (which you seem to have done).
If going to a professional counselor is an option for you, then by all means do it. Keep searching until you find someone you are comfortable with.
As an adult, the urge for me to cut is still there when I get into a situation I feel helpless in. But I literally force myself not to. I just tell myself "Why? What's the point? What good is it going to do?" I find one reason I want to cut the most is because I need a way to release my pent up emotions (whether it be anger, sadness, anxiety) and cutting seems like the best way to release these feelings. Find something else to do. Go for a run, do something that keeps your mind and your hands focused on something else (color, draw, play a video game). Do this until the urge passes. Everyday you don't cut reward yourself. Jot it down somewhere, and find a goal; ie, "when I get to a week without cutting, I'll reward myself with so & so"
You can do it. Others have done it before, and as an adult YOU are in charge of your destiny and actions.
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