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bf/gf without the label
first off, this may be long so i apologize but i hope people will help me outa bit.
we are both twenty years old.
i've been with my boyfriend for a little over four years. even though we broke up in february we still act like we're still together. basically, its like we're bf/gf without the label but it's like everyone including myself still consider us together anyway. kind of confusing, sorry. anyway, the problem between me and him is that even though we dont have the label that he feels that it's okay for him to talk to other girls. which i can understand at some extent.. however, i feel as though even if we dont have the label that he's my boyfriend and vice versa. if im the girl sleeping in his bed for weeks straight at a time, the girl he calls and texts every few hours when we aren't together just to ask what im doing, the girl who he takes out on dates on the one day out of the week he's not working, the girl who hangs out with his mom and other family members when he is or isn't around, the girl he tells that he loves every night before he goes to bed, IM HIS GIRLFRIEND. and the list goes on. we've talked and argued about this so many times already and it always ends the way it always does with him saying that he loves me, that he's in love with me, that im the woman he wants to marry and the woman he wants to have his children with (although that will not be any time soon) but he's not ready to be committed at this age and that he is going to talk to other girls regardless. okay. maybe i seem dumb or something but some days im just like okay whatever, im content because i know that even if he may be talking to another female, i'm still his number one and that he will never put another girl before me. other days it just bothers the hell out of me.. i just feel like if i'm the woman he loves and wants to be with in the future, why do something to ruin the chances of what we may have? i know people may say "girl, he doesn't love you." i'm not being naive when i say this but i know he's in love with me, but he feels he's just at the age where he's just not ready to commit yet. people tell me that just having the label is too much for a person to deal with. i dont know.. him and i, we honestly have two different outlooks on almost everything (and i love that) and i'm here trying to understand his point of views with what you guys think about all of this. i'm sorry i am babbling.. i'm just very in love and very confused and everything in between. your advice and comments are most definitely appreciated. thankss so much.
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It sounds to me like this guy is a first rate bum. You are compromising what you expect and deserve in a relationship so he can go mess around. This guy wants the benefits of having you as a girlfriend without giving you a commitment in return. Not wanting to be in a committed relationship is OK. Holding on to you while he plays the field is not. Dump this guy and date someone who will give you the respect you deserve. Maybe he'll see what he has lost and will change his wandering ways. If he doesn't, move forward and don't look back.
Hope it works out,
Lime
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Label Schmabel! What this really is about is you letting him have his cake and eat it, too! You want a commitment and he does not. That is the core truth and you have been lowering your standards to suite him and keep him. This will not work out for YOU. Either you have an open relationship where you are both comfortable being with other people or you start setting some real boundaries that you both agree on. If you are giving in to keep him, he won't respect you and you can't respect yourself. Better to leave him and leave yourself open to a man who will be thrilled to be yours alone!!!
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YOU may be in love but trust me, hes NOT. If her really "loved" you then ask yourself this... Why is he with other girls? I know its hard to take it in but if he isnt ready for commitment, SO WHAT! He can still go out with you just not marry you yet. That doesn't mean he should be able to have fun with other girls just because he "isn't ready to commit". If he loves you he'll AT LEAST go out with you. You shouldn't get hurt over a guy that doesn't care that you are alone and he's with other girls. You should go find yourself a better guy that WON'T leave you out in the cold for other girls. He might ACT like he loves you, but a guy that LOVES you would never leave you for other girls. I hope you think about it carefully before making the mistake of marrying the guy that used to be with so many girls because he "wasn't ready for commitment." I hope this helps you.
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You've been dating 4 years, he tells you he wants to marry you some day and you spend time with his family, and yet, he won't call you his girlfriend?
I'm sure in a way he does love you very deeply, but it seems to me that your own diagnosis is right: he, despite his love for you, isn't ready for commitment at this stage in his life. He loves you but is torn because as a young guy, he also wants other things, and so is trying to have things both ways - a girlfriend he loves and can come home to every night, and being able to somehow feel that he's carefree and single and can talk to whomever he likes.
You could put up with it and hope he grows out of it soon, but the chances of him suddenly snapping out of it when he's got along with having the best of both worlds for 9 months is low.
I think you deserve better. It must be heartbreaking for you because you love him and have spent four years with him, but do you really want to spend an indeterminate period of time waiting for him to start treating you the way that you treat him - the way you want to be and deserve to be treated as his girlfriend?
I also think that taking a stand and saying that you aren't willing to play the game this way any more will be a good test of how he really feels. If he feels the way you do, then although he may be resentful of the ultimatum at first, he'll realise that his feelings for you are the most important thing. If he says no, he won't be cotrolled, he needs to be free more than he needs you - well, you've then been given the clearest signal that you can that he just isn't ready to commit to you at this stage in his life - and if that's the case, you should have the courage to move on and find somebody who loves you in the way that you deserve.
All the best - I really hope it works out for you.
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