Ask hailebop!




Did you ever wake up and wonder when your life became a soap opera? A bizzare mixture between 'Dawson's Creek' and 'Days of our Lives'?



I know I've had that feeling - that it's just all too dramatic and ridiculous, and wouldn't it be nice to go and under a nicely-furnished rock for a while? So, whilst I do not promise or claim to be an expert on how teenage boys minds work or how you can uncode your best friend's baffling behaviour, I'll always attempt to empathise and offer some honest words of advice.



I am 21, with a fairly dysfunctional life as a artsy student type. I've recently graduated with a degree in Philosophy, and am spending time working in the law before returning to university for further study. I still don't know what I want to do with my life, but I like where I am at the moment. I like shoes, bad television, chocolate cheescake and pretty things.



I am very busy at the moment, attempting to fund my life as a postgraduate (that's grad school to the Americans). I do still stop by quite a lot to help out with the admin stuff, but my column is pretty lame and inactive. Boo-hiss. I will however still endeavour to answer any questions that are sent my way, so feel free to send questions to my inbox.





Frequently Asked Questions


Actually, I made them up. But they are questions that I've seen more than once around this site (and, indeed, in the real world), and so have created general responses to them, linked below. It's a little sparse at the moment, but I'll be adding to the list as I think of more questions (and, er, answers to them).



Getting back together with an ex



Difficulty preparing for exams




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hailebop





Gender: Female
Location: England
Occupation: Student
Age: 21
Member Since: December 30, 2003
Answers: 455
Last Update: June 7, 2009
Visitors: 38656



Advicenators.com



If you could give me one piece of advice, what would it be?



Exfoliate.

Really. Nothing makes more difference to your skin than exfoliation.

I was lucky as a teenager and always had reasonably good skin. As a result, I was fairly lazy and didn't really make an effort. It wasn't until I was older that I tried some products, and realised that I could have more than reasonably good skin with just a tiny bit of effort once a week. Exfoliating your face is great because it makes you look and feel fresher, whether you wear makeup regularly or not. It gets off grime and rubbish that you wouldn't even realise was there if you only ever used cleanser.

Exfoliating your legs is an absolute must if you shave or ever self-tan. Trust me on this one.

It's also a fun word. Try it - "exfoliate". Fun to say, fun to type, and great for your skin. Try it.

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My alarm wakes me up every morning at 6:00; but I usually hit the snooze button until like 6:40. How can I make myself wakeup and kick the urge to press snooze and go back to bed?


You will either find this works for you or doesn't, but it's worth a shot.

At the moment, you have 40 'spare' minutes in your morning routine. You presumably can get up and out of the house at the time you need to having got out of bed at 6:40 rather than 6:00. Because you have this time, you end up pressing the snooze button multiple times.

It is worth trying setting your alarm later. If you are snooze addict, perhaps set it at 6:30 and allow yourself ten extra minutes in bed, but then get up. If you set your alarm later, you are more likely to get up after only one snooze routine because you know that you have to get up then in order to leave the house on time.

This does require a significant amount of willpower, but it might really help you. I used to snooze for half an hour and then take twenty minutes getting up and out of the house. When I realised I only needed twenty minutes to get up, I set my alarm later, enjoyed twenty minutes more undisturbed sleep, and got up immediately as soon as the alarm began to ring, because I knew otherwise I'd only have ten minutes, which wouldn't have been enough time.

Of course it has potential for going wrong if you are the type who'd forget you'd set your alarm earlier or wouldn't get up despite knowing you were running yourself out of time, hence why I said it either would work for you or it wouldn't. Still, it might work for you, so give it a shot - although possibly not on a morning when you desperately need to be on time, as it might be something that needs a little fine-tuning.

All the best.

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There's this guy at work that likes me. He's liked me for a while now... however I do not like him.. and his way of approaching me. His flirtatious words and all that I did not really feel comfortable with that. But otherwise if he's serious and we talk about useful stuffs such as computers and stuffs It's alrite. He helped me fix my computer last time and said he'd come over again today to help me come over however... he never showed up. This is because of our convo yesterday:

He: If there's anything else you'd like me to DL just give me a list.
Me: Nah it's ok. I dun wanna wast your time.
He: Time used on you is never a waste.
Me: But there's no way of me repaying you.
He: Do I really not have a chance at all?
Me: As friends very likely, but no more or less.

He goes on talkin about how we should give it a try and how you'll never know until you try things out since love is unpredictable.. I told him no.. I do not want a bf rite now nor do I wanna get involved in a relationship. He goes on and says well you're my type of girl but i guess Im just not ur type. and then he says well hope happiness and love will be your guidance angels forever and hope you'll find your true love soon. then i said thx.. and that was the last convo we've had... I dun get it how come we can't b fwnds? How come he has to act like he doesn't know me?? I'm glad I changed my shift to Fridays instead of Sat. otherwise it'd be even more awkward hafing to face each other. But.. I don't know I feel bad.. there's this thingy that's been eating at me for a while.. I just don't like it when I lose a friend... but is this a real friend? I mean when someone likes you that's why they wanna get close to you... but then it's not like they are nice to you because they wanna be fwnds... it's coz they are interested in you and wish to go out with you... Should I just ignore him too? Should I forget about it?? But wat if we haf this gathering at work... and I hafta see him?? what do I do?? ignore him? Get ignored? Man... I wish not everybody at work knew about him liking me... most people did tho.. even the boss..


This guy has obviously had his feelings quite deeply hurt. That isn't your fault, as you've been honest with him and that's the best thing you could have done in the situation. But I think that it's unrealistic of you to expect him not to be hurt and immediately switch to friends-only mode, as he obviously had quite strong feelings for you.

Perhaps one day he'll be over you and you can have a friendship, but right now he needs some time and space to heal. He's had both his feelings and his pride hurt, and he can't just ignore those feelings and be just friendly with you.

The best thing you can do at the moment is remain friendly, polite and open so that he knows he can approach you as a friend if and when he's ready, but to, for now at least, give him space and not actively seek him out. If you see him at work, say hello and ask how he is, but leave it at that.

Becoming friends after some sort of heartache is a slow process, because somebody has to change their boundaries and bury some feelings, and that takes time and often considerable effort. Respect that and give him some space and hopefully with time you will be able to get along in a professional way again, and perhaps even be friends.

Don't be disheartened that he's not interested in genuine friendship just because he likes you as more than a friend. His deep feelings for you are a result of him seeing you as a great individual generally - attraction this deep is because he likes your personality as well as your looks. If he can get past his feelings, then I'm sure he thinks you are interesting and would like to get to know you as a real friend, but, as I've said above, this will probably take a considerable amount of time given how deeply he currently feels for you.

All the best.

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I've been with this guy for three and a half years. Things between us got pretty bad within the last year. We argued constantly. The thing about us is that we're very different. He believes in things that I dont believe in and vice versa. That never stopped us during the first two and a half years or so.. Honestly, I loved how he thought so differently from me even if it would cause arguments. However, I can't speak for him. He hated how I never agreed to his views. But I'm not going to say yes to everything he says just because I love him. I stick up for what I believe in as well. Well, I guess that is why we aren't together anymore..

We've been apart for two months now. We still talk to each other every day. He still tells me that he loves me. But sometimes he says to me that he doesn't think him and I will ever work out because we are so different but if we do go out again, it wouldn't be any time soon. Another thing is, after we broke up, he told my best guy friend who is also a friend of his that I'm the type of girl he wants to marry, that he wants to marry me. Uh.. if he doesn't like the person I am, my morals, my views on life, than why is he telling my friends that he still wants to be with me later and that he wants to marry me? I know he loves me, and the thing is, I know he wants to be with me. I know he can't ever stand the thought of me with another guy. He doesn't say it, but I know it. But honestly, I don't know if I'm holding on to something that will never ever work. It's like.. like I said earlier, I love the fact that we're different. That is one of the reasons why I fell in love with him. But him on the other hand, he can't stand it.. I don't know..


Am I foolish for being in love with someone who is the total opposite of me? Am I stupid for still having hope in us? For still wanting to be with him?

Thank you in advance.. Any advice is appreciated.

We are both twenty, if that helps or anything..



I have been in a position similar to yours, and as a result I'm sure this isn't exactly what you want to hear. I certainly didn't want to hear it, and it meant I dragged things on and caused myself a fair amount of pain.

You love this man. This man probably loves you too. But. BUT.

You both need space from each other.

You have a three and a half year history with each other. You have, to an extent, grown up together. This is wonderful, and many years from now you'll have very powerful memories of being with someone who you felt safe with, but also challenged you.

The problem is, because you have been together for so long and had such powerful emotions, you cannot - physically cannot - just seperate yourself from all that immediately when you break up. You cannot click your fingers and analyse your relationship together from an objective standpoint. You are still far, far too close to it all, far too emotionally tied up in the past. You can't objectively judge whether you want to get back together with him, because you are still in the stage where you are hurting and reeling from your break-up, and yearning for the past which however less than perfect it was, was easier and less painful then the present. This is completely natural and normal.

The point is, by speaking to him daily, by allowing him to speak to you and tell him he loves you, you aren't helping yourself. Both of you need to take some time away from each other to get over each other. It's strange when you break up from a longterm relationship because you are used to turning to the your partner for suppport, but this is something he cannot help you with, and you cannot help him with. You need to heal when you are apart, so that one day in the future you'll know what you want, and he'll know what he wants.

I'm not saying that you cannot be friends in the future, or that you cannot get back together. What I am saying is that to judge whether you really want to be with him you need to give yourself some time so that your response isn't just a gut "but of course I want to be with him, I've been with him forever / I love him" type of reaction.

It's extremely hard to do, but it is something that will help the both of you. Perhaps you will realise that you need somebody who sympathises with your opinions on certain matters more, or perhaps he will realise that the differences between you aren't so big after all. You can't really tell until one day you just decide that is how you feel. It takes time and you can't force it, but one day you will come to a decesion.

It's not stupid to believe that you are compatible with somebody you had an somewhat turbulent history with. You have passion for this person, and though you are very different and irritate each other, you understand each other and obviously have a deep connection and a huge amount of love and respect for each other. It's not foolish or overly optimistic to believe that one day you might get back together. You can think that, but give yourself time for your mind to catch up with your heart, and work out if this is what you think rationally as well as emotionally.

All the best. I really do hope it works out for you, because I've been there.

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Hello, i'm new to here...
well I've been an airline pilot for 2 years and me and my girlfriend are talking about marriage and stuff. Generally speaking she is pretty attractive and hot...but if we get married, I will always think that she will cheat behind my back when I'm off to work...(usually for a few days)
What should I do? I'm not good at love relationship at all, i mean I can fly a big jet, but hey, i'm not good at this kind of stuff...


Relationships cannot work without trust. If you think your partner will cheat on you on the short trips you are required to take for your job, you do not trust her as much as you need to to make a marriage work. Think about the long term effect this will probably have on your relationship - you cannot escape going away, so you'll be constantly plagued by thoughts that your partner is cheating on you, and as a result probably become suspicious, resentful or accusatory, which will over time chip away at your relationship.

The only solution is to tackle why you don't trust this woman. Is it an irrational fear based on a lack of self-confidence on your part, or has she given you reason to believe she'll take advantage of your frequent absences? If it's irrational on your part, you need to develop your self confidence and confidence in the strength and staying power of your relationship before you can fairly marry this woman, because if you don't believe it will work, it probably won't. If on the other hand there is something in her behaviour that makes you lack trust, then you need to tackle it together and work out whether you can ever learn to accept her behaviour and trust her. Either away, I would suggest some relationship counselling for the both of you before you get married. It's normal and healthy to have some worries before you get married, as it's a huge decesion about the rest of your life, but you shouldn't be plagued by huge doubts about her cheating on you, and shouldn't really be thinking about a wedding whilst these thoughts are plauging you.

All the best.

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ok, where to start?.... ok i met this guy he started working at my job and in the begining i hated him abd wanted nothing to do with him, then he started showing intrest in me but at the same time my best friend too. he ended up asking me out one day and we hit it off. that nigh he had asked me to be his gf! i had said yes and everything was fine we were son into eachother and spending every second with eachother, soon he started throwing how my best friend was more his type and that he wanted to be with her but be with me at the same time! i told my friend that she was not to do anything with him but of course i cant be there 24/7 and i ahd later found out that they had did stuff! so i broke up with him. but i still had all these feelings for him. so about three weeks later he had asked me to be his a again and i accepted, like an idiot!! he started using me for my money and lieing to me but everytime i tried to break it off he would have a really good reason and we would try it again till he would dump me! then the same crap would happen again. like now he dumped me yesterday, cold and blunt just kicked me out of HIS HOUSE! and now im sitting here in pain wanting him back! i dnt know wats wrong with me i have never let any guy use me like this! i have such ddep feelings for him im scared to let him go cause i think he might change! wat do i do! hes gonna call me soon i know it! and im gonna give in help i dnt wanna be in the same position i am now! pls! thankyou


I'm sorry to hear you've been so horribly used by this man. However, you need to start taking responsibility. You know, rationally, that this guy is scum and you should steer clear of him. So start standing up for yourself and take charge of your life.

Only you have the power to save yourself here. Be resolute. Do not take his calls. Change your number if you have to. Do not see him. Do not allow yourself to be tempted. I think you already know deep down that this is what you have to do - he's not going to change, and even if he did, you have no reason to forgive him and let him back into your life - he systematically mistreated you, played you and cheated on you with your best friend. Even if he never did it again, he still betrayed you massively. This is not, and will never be, a good foundation for a realtionship.

If you find it helps, write down all the things he did that hurt you. Put that list by your phone so that you see it if he rings or you are tempted to ring him and be reminded why it is you are fighting so hard to stay strong and stay away from him. At the moment, he has you under a spell and you need to break free of that. The hardest part is breaking out of the cycle of going back to him. Once you've done that and successfully steered clear of him for a week or two, things will get easier. In the meantime, keep yourself busy and distracted - surround yourself with good friends who understand and will help you out if you are tempted to contact him.

I know it hurts, but the way to make it hurt less is to be strong and not keep going back to him. In a situation like this, weaning yourself off him slowly is not going to work. You need to do this 100% and not let your guard down and be seduced by his charms, because you know deep down that it isn't good for you.

Good luck, and all the best.

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Whats Yeast infection?


A yeast infection happens when yeast that is naturally in the vagina gets out of balance. Symptoms include an unpleasant itchy sensation, unusual 'cottage cheese' like discharge and a yeasty smell, like baking bread.

Yeast infections (also sometimes known as 'thrush') happen to around 75% of women during their lifetimes. They are more likely to occur if you take some forms of hormonal contraceptives such as the pill, or have taken antibiotics. If you do have a yeast infection, it's important to seek out treatment, as untreated there can be long term effects, and although yeast infections are not classed as sexually transmitted diseases, they can be passed on to your partner if you are having intercourse, and this can be extremely unpleasant for them. It might feel embarassing discussing your symptoms with your doctor, but it's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

http://www.vaginapagina.com is an absolutely wonderful resource for information on this. Check out this article http://www.vaginapagina.com/showarticle.php?record=0000000007, this FAQ - http://community.livejournal.com/vaginapagina/5865641.html and the livejournal community (http://community.livejournal.com/vaginapagina/) if you have any more questions. All the best.

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Ok heres the deal my bf has been in a relationship before me with another girl and he was very serious with her and while they were going out he treated me like crap. Then, they broke up and he was all upset bc he said she was the love of his life, blah blah blah. So then me and him start to flirting and stuff and we both like each other and he asks me out well I said I need to think about this and the next day I find out he's back with her. Well he dumped her and then we some how end up together. But now he says he loves me and a part of his always has and was thinking of me when he was going out with her, but how do I know this it feels like he's using lines on me that he used on her and idk if their genuine or not or if he's just saying this and is going to end up changing his mind, P.S. this boy said he had liked me since fourth grade and it's been a while since then and we've dated before, THANKS SORRY ITS SOO LONG!!!!


Sometimes people change, but more often they do not. If a guy has a history of, in your own words, 'treating you like crap', then chances are he'll do it again. If he's hot and cold with you and fliting about between you and his ex-girlfriend then he doesn't like you enough to make a commitment, whatever lines he pulls about having liked you for years.

Maybe he does have some genuine feelings for you, but that does distract from the fact that he's behaved and is continuing to behave badly to you. Moreover, you don't trust him. Why be in a relationship if you aren't sure any of the sentiments are real?

Give yourself a break from this guy. If he does have genuine feelings for you he'll start behaving differently and you'll get some confidence that his feelings are real, and you'll be able to start on a meaningful relationship. If on the other hand he is just spinning you lines, he'll just swing straight back to his ex-girlfriend or somebody else, and you will have been saved some heartache. All the best.

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I don't want to offend anyone with my questions but theres just so much that doesnt make sense about god and religion. i really do want to believe but i dont understand somethings and it makes me think god cant exist becaus of these things that dont add up.
firstly evolution. humans evolved from apes, there's been loads of scienctific evidence and documentries about it and you learn about it in science. But the bible says adam and eve were the first man and woman, so according to religion evolution cant have existed, well not in humans anyway.
If god is so great and loves us all, why does he make people suffer? i mean even highly religion people. the pope sufferd loads before he died and he's about as religios as people get, so why would god make him suffer?
Also, if god is so great and loves us all, why does he send people to hell? i know some deserve it but surely he wouldnt want anyone to be sent to hell for eternity?
This last point is not something i thought of, it's something that was talked about on the radio but it makes you think. There are lots of religions, but if any, only 1 must be true and the rest of them are lies. people must have made some religions up because some say theres only 1 god, some religions have many gods and all different types of beliefs, so they cant all be true. i hope someone can help me, because its so confusing and i honestly do want to believe.
sorry, if i offended anyone, i really dont want to. its just so confusing.
thank you x



There are many different answers to these questions.

Accepting evolution doesn't mean you need to reject God. Firstly, many Christians believe in a non-literal intepretation of the creation story told in Genesis. Some say that 7 days in a metaphor for seven stages of creation. The technical definition of a day is the time it takes the earth to rotate, which obviously didn't happen before the earth was created, so 'days' perhaps represent stages of time where God was creating rather than actual periods of 24 hours, etc.

Evolution doesn't disprove God. Evolution happens when things mutate to produce changes, which can produce great changes in populations over long periods of time. The chances of complex, intelligent life however developing are very, very slim, and many Christians believe that God engineered the world and the development of specieses so that humans would come into existence and flourish. Scientists have attempted to estimate the probability of pure chance leading to the forms of life we have today, and the possibilites are truely too minute to comprehend. Some people find these facts in themselves a convincing argument that God does exists and is directing evolution and natural development so that humans may continue to survive. If you are interested in this type of argument, try googling 'The Design Argument' or 'The Anthropic Teleological Argument'.

The existence of evil is probably the biggest test of faith for most people, religious or otherwise. There are various arguments about the necessity of evil, but it is an issue that many religious people struggle with, so don't feel that you are alone in questioning things. It's good to question your faith and explore your beliefs. I couldn't do justice to the many many arguments people have presented about the necessity of evil, but briefly, some suggest that evil is necessary in order for people to be able to freely choose God. If there were no evil or suffering there would be no need for faith - but if there were no need for faith, people wouldn't have a real free choice to embrace God, and that would mean their relationship with God wouldn't be meaningful. God allows evil because it is better than not having free will to choose or reject God.

Others, taking more literal intepretations from the Old Testament, talk about original sin and suffering coming from human choice. Personally I find such arguments less convincing, as they fail to explain natural evil such as earthquakes, but it's something you should perhaps look into if you are questioning your faith.

As for there being many different religions, again, that is problematic. As somebody once put it - if all non-Christians go to hell, and all non-Buddhists never reach nirvana etc. etc. surely everyone is screwed?

Personally, I feel faith, and making that leap when you cannot ever be certain, is a big part of being religious. You need to find something that works for you and have faith in yourself that you've done the best you can to find your way. I like to think there isn't so much between the religions, them all being attempts to guide us through our lives and be moral, so I like to think any all-loving God wouldn't be contemptuous of people who tried to find Him and lived their lives as best they could according to their faith.

I hope I answered some of your questions. All the best.

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My name is Alexis and I need guy advice... If I'm fifteen and I like a guy that's fourteen... is he too young for me??? I've tried not to like him but iit's impossible! He is so sweet and cute! HELLLLLLP!!!!


It's more about maturity than age. If you are mature for your age and he's immature for his age then it might feel like a big gap, but there's no reason to assume this will be the case, as he might well be mature for his age or at your own level.

At your age a year younger than you isn't so young to dismiss off hand as being too immature for you. Teenage boys mature at different ages, but when they do mature seem to do it very quickly, so he could be at just the right point in his life for you. You like him and like his personality, so why not give him a chance? Take things slowly if you aren't one hundred percent sure about him, but there's no reason to try and ignore this crush for what is really quite a small age gap. All the best.

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There's this guy in my History and Math class that's very popular and goodlooking. Recently, he's been acting different around me. Unusually nice. He complimented on my shirt and necklace, and asked how my tutoring was coming along, etc. He's also lately been acting really cocky, but in a playful way. I don't know if he's flirting. Does it seem so? Because I'm confused as to whether I should flirt back. He has a girlfriend, and that might make me look like an asshole (I don't have a crush on him at all, by the way). Also, if he wasn't flirting I would look like an asshole. What do you think I should do?


If you aren't at all interested him, there's no point in flirting with him. What are you hoping will come from this? That people will notice that the two of you flirt and you'll bask in reflected glory of his popularity? That is highly unlikely to happen, even in the strange world of American high schools.

If you like him and think he's interested in you then it's a different question, about whether it's worth flirting with somebody who you think likes you but who is in a relationship. If that's the case, it's something you just need to weigh up the risks of against the chances of nothing coming of it. If as you originally claim though, that you "don't have a crush on him at all", then I can see no reason at all for flirting with him, as all that is likely to happen is that you'll annoy or hurt his girlfriend and yourself end up confused by his behaviour and why you are flirting with each other when you aren't interested. You can be nice to him and enjoy his compliments, but there is no point entering into something that isn't going anywhere, even if it is 'just' flirting.

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16/f

well tomorow me and my sister are going babysitting for about 4 hours and we need some activities to do with the children mainly because i will be very busy with the baby and she doesnt have much expirience on how to occupy them. they are 3.5 and 2 (boy and a girl). we tried searching the internet but we couldnt come up with anything because the younger one isnt quit ready for preschool activities? any ideas the younger ones verbal skills are low so songs and stuff are kind of out of the question and they are not aloud to watch TV or bake or anything!

(easy crafts are good!)



The children are quite young and what they'll enjoy depends quite a bit on how mature they are for their respective ages. It's a good idea to ask their normal carer what their favourite toys and games are before you actually babysit, so you have an idea of anything to bring prepare or bring along with you. If they are coming to yours, ask them to bring one or two of their favourite toys with them so that even if you don't find many new activities they enjoy they'll still have old favourites to fall back on, and if you are at their house you'll know what's best to keep them occupied amongst all of their toys and activities.

Colouring, drawing and other art-related activities are good to keep even very young children occupied. They probably have colouring books of their own if you are at their house, or you could print off some ready to colour drawings from the internet - neopets is a good site for this (see http://www.neopets.com/faerieland/faerie_colour.phtml) , but googling 'childrens colouring' will get you a wide variety of images for all ages. You could also try more ambitious art things, like finger painting or potato printing, although the two year old will need quite a bit of supervision if you are using paints of any sorts and you'll have to set down lots of old newspaper to make sure nothing gets ruined.

I know you've said that the 2 year old doesn't have particularly high verbal skills, but that doesn't mean she won't appreciate being chatted or sung to, so don't dismiss things off hand. If she's still learning to talk you can still play simple games like matching colours and shapes (for example, playing a game where you ask her to find a red thing, or a circle somewhere in her house) - it won't take long to realise what level she's at and can enjoy. The older child might find some games like these slightly babyish, but as there are two of you it should be easy enough to balance keeping both children occupied, especially as the older child will be more independent in his play. All the best.

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i am a 14/f. sry this is so long.
my b/f and i have been going out for almost 4 months. his birthday is next month and we have talked about "experimenting". we want to see what it would be like if he were to stick his penis in my vagina. we wouldn't actually have sex so i would still be a virgin. but i know that guys pre-ejaculate and i was wondering if we should get a condom just incase he does pre-ejaculate. but we don't know 'who' to get it from. we have friends who have condoms but we don't want to ask them for one cuz rumors will spread. and we don't want to go buy a whole box 1.) b/c i'd get caught and in trouble 2.) b/c he would get in trouble. What should i do? should we still experiment if we can't get a condom? please help me.
thx


Putting his penis inside you counts as sexual intercourse, whether he ejaculates or not. Although I personally find "virginity" an artificial concept, you would have had sex and by the standard definition you would not be a virgin any more.

Loosing your virginity is a big step that you should be sure you want to commit to and are prepared to take, both emotionally and physically. That means being sure that you are ready and being prepared with adequate information and protection. I know you don't want to hear this, but at 14 you are unlikely to be truely ready to make the best decesion possible because you are unlikely to truely understand the longterm emotional consequences.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't do this because you are 14. I do not intend to patronise you - there is is not age when sex suddenly becomes the right thing. All I'm saying is that you are very young and that you don't seem to understand how big a step this is, as you are denying the fact that it is actually sexual intercourse. You should be thinking extremely carefully about what you really want in the long term. Your fears about rumours and being in trouble indicate that you aren't completely sure that this is the right thing at this stage in your life.

If you do go ahead with this, condoms are a must. You can buy a pack of three which shouldn't be too conspicuous from most pharmacies or general stores. I would not advise buying condoms from friends because you will not know how they have been looked after, which could have reduced their effectiveness. Condoms should not be allowed to get too warm, and keeping them in wallets (which guys often keep in their back pockets, and as such get very hot) or other warm places often leads to them decomposing slightly and being less effective, so it is far better to buy from a reputable place like a pharmacy and read the leaflet about how to look after them and use them for maximum effectiveness.

All the best.

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Why would a married man lie to his wife about his wherabouts? This is what happened. I've been friends with this man and his wife for the last 3 years. They have both been working out of town for the last year and only come home once a month to pay their bills. Well I had my friend come over for a visit to my appartment. We were just talking and I was filling him in on all the latest town gossip. Nothing was going on sexually for him to feel quilty about, which is why what happend next was so odd to me. His cell phone rang, and he looked hesitant to answer it. Well he decided to answer, and it was his wife. She was asking where he was, and he LIED right in front of me to her! He said he was out "shopping". Then he hung up. He also had this really guilty look on his face. Why would he lie to her? His wife knows we are friends, and that nothing would have happened between us. They both know I am a virgin and saving myself for marriage. Does anyone have any ideas why he would lie to his wife, and why he was acting so quilty? Do you think this might mean there are problems in his marriage?


Your friends behaviour does seem odd, but I think this just proves that however well you know your friends, sometimes their personal relationships are mystifying.

Perhaps the wife is prone to jealousy and the husband spending time with any woman alone, even as a friend, has been a point of contention for them, or something thats caused lots of arguments in their marriage. The husband might have found that it causes less arguments if he just keeps things to himself. This isn't commendable behaviour, but you can understand the temptation to lie when in his mind he's not doing anything wrong knowing that neither of you are interested, and lying prevents arguments.

Lying in front of you however brings you into the lie, and this is problematic, as you are now between them. The chances are it won't come up again, but if it does you need to be proactive and say to the husband that whilst his personal relationship with his wife isn't any of your buisness, it's not fair of him to reveal comprimisng information when you are friends of both him and his wife, as it puts you in an intensely akward situation.

I wouldn't pry into why he lied, as his embarssment and obvious guilt show that he is aware that what he is doing is wrong on some level, and getting any more information will probably only make things worse for you as an unintetional third party to this argument of theirs. If he tries to explain of his own volition I think it would be best to just say that you are sure he knows what is best for his marriage but you don't think its fair to take sides in what should be an issue between the two of them alone. It's natural to be curious about his odd behaviour, but you have to take a step back and let them sort it out on their own. All the best.

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Last night, I went out clubbing with my best friend and some other people, including a guy friend of mine, I'll call him "Brian". Brian has always told me that he's bisexual and I'm cool with that and we get along great. He's always treated me like one of the guys, but last night, he got pretty drunk and he started touching me inappropriately. It wasn't anything particularly sexual, just holding my hand and putting his hands on my waist, but I was really confused. I'm not attracted to him or anything, but it's got me really confused. It was just the alcohol talking wasn't it? My best friend also said he held her hand as well.


Alcohol does make people bolder when it comes to romance, so it could have been a case of dutch-courage allowing him to be that bit 'friendlier' with you. Alcohol however also often makes people friendlier and more touchy-feely, so his behaviour by no means necessarily indicates he likes you as anything more than a friend. The fact that he behaved similarly to your other friend would also support this theory. If there's no other evidence that he's romantically interested in you, I'd just put it down to how he responds to alcohol and not worry about it.

If he's always treated you as 'one of the guys', there's a chance that he assumes you wouldn't intepret this behaviour as romantic, just as if one of your female friends put her arm round your waist whilst drunk you wouldn't assume it was because they were romantically interested. If this is the case you might need to gently explain to him that though you do have a great platonic relationship, he is a guy and as such can't expect you not to be slightly confused when he sends mixed signals.

I think however you choose to intepret his behaviour, it's worth talking to him. It's worth eliminating the possibility that he has romantic feelings for you and dealing with any other issues about him crossing boundraries early on. You've said you find his behaviour confusing, but it isn't clear whether it really bothers you independanlty of confusing you about his intentions. If it does, it's best to just politely say to him that you know he gets a little touchy-feely when he's been drinking, but it makes you a bit uncomfortable - and it's best to say this before there's a chance for the behaviour to escalate. It really doesn't sound like this guy is trying to make you uncomfortably or acting in a predatory fashion, but if it makes you uncomfortable then it's best to nip it in the bud. All the best.

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I am a single girl in her twenties and joined a ToastMasters Club back in September. I joined the club to help with my speaking skills and self esteem, and also to meet some nice single guys. Well to my disapointment I didnt meet any nice single guys, but I did meet two really nice married ones. They are both the nicest guys, and treat me with respect. The one has 3 boys, and the other guys as far as I know doesnt have any kids. I find myself going to these meetings sometimes just to see these two men. I don't want to have an affair with either of them, or replace their wifes. I just like going because of the way they make me feel. I've had problems with men in the past. My question is am i commititting a sin by liking these guys? I would also like to add that I don't fantasize or lust about them, I just wish that I could be there friends.


There's no sin in liking somebody or wanting to be their friend. I am worried however that you are setting yourself up to get hurt because although you rationalise that you don't want to be anything more than friends with these guys, knowing that they are married, deep down you still have some conflicting romantic feelings because they are nice guys you enjoy spending time with, that respect you and make you feel good. Anybody who has had an unwanted or inconvenient crush (people who are already in committed relationships, people at work, good friends, etc.) will tell you that these aren't feelings you can just magic away. The problem is, if you continue to spend large amounts of time with these men, even in a stricly platonic fashion, your feelings may well grow and you could easily end up hurt, as both men are married, as you realise already. You've said that you don't fantasise or lust about them, which is good, but if you ever find yourself wanting more than the relationship you currently have with them, it's better to take a step back and cool the friendship for a bit until you are sure you can be friends without any other feelings getting in the way and causing you hurt. I'm not saying that you cannot be friends with them - it's perfectly acceptable for a married man to have single female friends! I'm only saying that if one party has any hint of romantic feelings, even if they have no intention of acting on them, there are complications and it is often easier to have a little space from the friendship so that any feelings don't develop into a full blown crush or infatuation.

All the best.

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I was at a restaurant having a couple of drinks with some friends of mine. Two of them were single, and the other were a married couple. I am also single. Well my one single friend asked me to talk about my uncle and his crazy wife for some entertainment. None of them know my uncle and wife, or have ever met them. They live in another state so I didnt feel bad making a joke about them. They ARE crazy (in my opinion). I wanted to make them laugh so I told them how last Xmas my uncle said infront of the whole family that if you saw his wife naked you would need therapy. Everyone laughed. Then I said in front of the group" well uncle jim if you hate your wife so much, why don't you divorce her"? His response was that he "couldnt afford it". Everyone at the table roared, everyone, that is except the husband of the married couple at the table. I think I'm the only one who noticed this, but his face actually went white and he looked like a deer had got caught in the headlights when I made the comment about asking my uncle why he wouldnt divorce his wife if he hated her so much. So my question is, was his reaction a sign that his marriage may be on the rocks? I've heard from my other friends that they have been fighting a lot.
I'll rate high!


Well, perhaps, but by no means necessarily. He could have just found the story in poor taste and not found it funny - as a married man himself, he might have thought it was very unkind of your uncle to disparage his wife in front of a room full of people. Perhaps it offended him because it mocks the idea that marriage is something based on love, an idea that he probably believes in as somebody who is himself married, but still in that young and relatively idealistic stage. Perhaps as you suggest your telling this story played on a fear he has that the only reason his wife stays with him is because of the financial cost of divorce. It isn't really worth speculating about. If your friend's marriage is in trouble, it isn't really your buisness exactly what's going on and if they are fighting and how. As a friend, you should be watching out to see if your friends are upset and need you, but not watching out for signs of strain in their marriage out of curiosity. It's perfectly reasonable to ask your married friend if everything is okay, because he seemed a little quiet at drinks the other day, but it isn't acceptable to confront him about whether his marriage is failing and whether you hit a sore spot with your story. If he wants to tell you why it bothored him, he will, but until then, don't push it, just be there to listen if he wants to open up.

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alright a while ago i was basicly raped and forst to give oral sex.. I went to get tested for stds and everything and they said if I get cold sores to come back for herpes testing.. well I have like dry spots on the edge of my mouth but i dont think its herpes! its just lik a lil cuts on the edge of my mouth but i dont think i have any stds..

what do you think?


It sounds as though it could be a developing cold sore, but do not panic just yet, as it could equally be just dry skin. Keep an eye on it, see how it develops, and if it becomes red or an open sore, definitely arrange another visit to your sexual health clinic for additional testing. I know it's frigtening being in the middle of this, but don't assume the worst, as though the herpes virus is extremely infectious when there are open sores, it's very rarely passed on whilst the infection is in a dormant phase, i.e. when there aren't any visible sores. I would avoid any sexual contact, including kissing, for the meanwhile until you are sure what it is, but do try not to worry excessively about it - if it is just an ordinary skin complaint, stress and worry could easily make it worse.

You've done everything you can, testing-wise. This is extremely mature and responsible of you in what must be an extremely difficult time. Unfortunately, all you can do now is wait for things to develop and results to come through. This is extremely nervewracking, but be reassured that you've done all that you can, and just keep an eye on things that may be symptoms and return to the clinic if things develop further. All the best.

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why would you get banned on this site for talking in all caps? that seems stupid.


From the FAQ entitled 'What are some reasons that you ban people' (http://www.advicenators.com/faq.php?f=47):

"We ban people for violating our content and terms of service guidelines. Common reasons include:

* Asking the same questions over and over again
* Excessively obscene questions, answers, user pictures, or bio content
* Posting multiple questions or answers without consideration
* TYPING IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS"

This is something you should know as a moderator. By asking this question, you are only convincing me further that you do not deserve mod status.

Typing in all capital letters is a bannable offense because, to be honest, it's painful to look at. It makes questions difficult to read, and is unnecessary. Making your question jarring on the eyes and difficult to read shows a lack of respect for the people who run this site and those who read and answer your question - these are people who are trying to help you, so show them some respect and make the effort to type your question properly. You are clearly cabable of doing so - I've seen your question history. Please don't type in all caps. It's something that might be ignored as a once off if you weren't a mod, but it's not behaviour we tolerate from people with responsibility. As I said in the explanation of why I banned you - you need to earn mod status by setting a good example of how to use the site, and by flouting the rules and typing in all caps you've proven that you aren't really worthy of being a moderator.

Also please be aware that you are currently banned from this site. You should not be posting questions from any account. Continue to do this and we will instigate longer bans on both accounts and any additional ones you create.

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Okay well I know you guys aren't doctors but we can't get ahold of ours right now so I thought I'd ask.


My friend was at baseball practice this morning and got hit with a ball coming out of a pitching machine at 70 mph right in the forehead. He had to go to the hospital and eveything.


Well, he's over at my house now because no one is home at his house and he can't fall asleep for more than 1 1/2 hours at a time. They told him to keep his head elevated from his body to try to reduce the swelling.


He started complaining that when he uses a pillow it get very uncomfortable. We tried differnet pillows and he still doesn't want one. Do you think it would be okay if we just let him lay without a pillow or anything to keep his head up?


If the doctor told you to keep the head elevated, it's best to follow that advice to the letter, even if it is uncomfortable for him. Keep a close eye on him, and if it becomes uncomfortable to the extent that it's painful rather than just uncomfortable to elevate the head, seek emergency healthcare. Some discomfort would be expected, as he did suffer a blow to the head and keeping your head really elevated when you are sleeping might be uncomfortable anyway if you aren't used to it, but if things get worse or you are worried err on the side of caution and seek medical care.

I'm sure you've already been told this, but also watch out for symptoms of concussion, particularly vomitting or dizziness. If you are worried, call your doctors again.

I hope your friend feels better soon. All the best.

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