HectorJr's advice column | HectorJr's Advice About Love Life

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Q: DO you think its ok for your boyfriend to have a girl "friend", where he went to her house ONCE,without your permission,and you never meet her before?

Realize that at one point, at least hopefully, your boyfriend was just a "friend" of yours too. You shouldn't have a problem with this, but if you have strong feelings about it, make sure you let him know. He may feel differently about it, but your relationship is not at all threatened by letting your boyfriend have other girl friends. Hope that helped.

Q: I'm married and have only been that way about a month or so.

My "husband" is a SERIOUS neutral party.
He rarely speaks, he rarely gets up and goes anywhere aside from work, and more and more I'm finding out just how different we are.

When we got together he put on a jolly good show, but now that he's got the girl...the show's over folks...

Here is my complication.
I live in the states with him.
My BEST FRIEND, is in love with me and has proposed to me countless amounts of times (and still begs me to move overseas to be with him).

He says, if I get there I won't have to worry about where we live or whatever because he will have it taken care of. He says he KNOWS we're meant to be together and that he can make me the happiest woman in the world. I want to be happy.

I love my best friend, and he knows far more about me than anyone on this earth. He's literally prince charming. (Tall, dark, handsome, kind.)
We have the same tastes and have had our fair share of healthy disagreements.

My "husband" (quotations used to emphasis emotional absence) is insanely jealous? Upset? With the fact that we, being my best friend and I, get along so well. He keeps telling me that he wants me to stop talking to my best friend.

It's now been about 2 months since I've seen my best friend. My "husband" wouldn't let my best friend come to the wedding! This is the longest we've ever been without one another. I miss him a lot.

WHAT DO I DO?!

Annulment?
Divorce?
Just Deal?

My "husband" and I have tried to talk it out, and by try I mean...
I express my feelings as he walks around the house cleaning up or whatever. He then says "I don't give a shit anymore!" or "Whatever! Go do your own thing then!" He's even called me selfish on more than one occasion!

...Help?
If there is any..

This is a very tough situation. I can understand how your husband feels about your best friend - he is the go to person, the one you get along with, the confidant, that your husband feels he should be. Realize that the qualities and characteristics of your friendship between you and your best friend, if present between you and your husband, would probably melt away any problems or tensions you are facing. In other words, you seem to be too close to your best friend, and not close enough to your husband. That alone is going to, perhaps already has, cause tension because you may feel that he should respect you and your friendship with the man, especially because he is your best friend; further, he may feel that the attention, time spent, and quality of time spent should be directed to him instead of another person, and that it should be done because you actually chose to marry him and not your best friend.

There are obviously things that you do not feel comfortable sharing with your husband, or things that you do not feel your husband can provide for you right now - otherwise, he would already be your best friend. Whether to remedy this by choosing to try and save your marriage and let go of your best friend, or vice versa, or even just drop it all together, I am not sure. I would strongly suggest you communicate with both of them, and consider professional marriage counseling. The underlying issues may be ones that can be dealt with using a few weeks of patience and self-awareness, or they could run much deeper and be dealt with by either reaching a compromise, or even not have to do with the fact that you are best friends with another man. Talk this over with your husband as soon as possible. Hope that helped and good luck.

Q: Kay, so my boyfriend openly talks about girls he thinks are hot, and it sort of makes me feel awkward.

I wouldn't mind if he put it another way (e.g. 'I think *this girl* is pretty' or 'I think this girl is attractive) but he says it along the lines of "*THIS GIRL* IS SO GOD DAMN HOT" and it makes me feel awkward. He'll just bring it up too when it had nothing to do with the conversation...

e.g. I mentioned to him how I was always scared to bring home boyfriends because of my sister's good looks. He then said something along the lines of 'Oh she sounds hot' when he asked for a description of her. He also randomly went on about how "god damn hot" his friend's sister is... and just before I mentioned I lost my keys and he went on about how Alicia Keys is 'hot'...

Am I being out of line? I don't mind if he thinks other girls are attractive, just because he's with me doesn't mean feelings for others change. But I think he could either just discuss it with friends, or word it better when discussing it with me.

I'm sort of sensitive to this stuff, because my ex boyfriend did this, but ten times worse (he would constantly bring how much he wanted sex with other girls and that sort of stuff into it as well) so I feel as if I may be scarred from that experience, but it's taught me to deal with this stuff early on.

No you are not out of line - you aren't really doing or saying things about it yet, at least not drastically. You aren't out of line for feeling this way. Definitely bring it up to him exactly how you worded it here. I'm sure he wouldn't mind toning it down a bit. Be open and communicative with him. Hope that helped and good luck.

Q: okay..this is a really long story..and i'm sorry for such a long question..

okay..so me and this guy are kinda friends that are thrown together..cause our parents are best friends. he's older..but he's got a girlfriend and the last time i heard..maybe about two months ago..maybe more, he was in love with her. she's still in love with him..she plans on having kids with him..i'm not too sure about him though. so anyways..me and him are kinda friends..we text. and he's always really flirty with me..and it seems like he has feelings for me. the things he say..the way he acts..all this. he's always randomly texting me to ask what i'm doing. but he acts different at different times..like some nights he'll be all over me..other nights he's just okay..others he's ignoring me. and this one time we were talking about relationship labels and he said.." well what if me and you had feelings for each other and were in a relationship?" and another times he's always asking me to help and he usually makes sure were alone. and he's always asking to hang out and stuff. and this one time me and him were both sitting outside at night just me and him and he had a good conversation with me. about his girlfriend..he told me that he wasent sure he wanted her to come camping with us, cause she wants to grow up too fast, and he dosent.

so idk really what to think about it anymore..my best friend thinks he likes me..but i dont really know anymore..so what do you guy's think?

You need to talk to him about it. Find out for sure if he has feelings for you or not. Don't look for 'clues' or anything like that to make you think that he likes you. If he really does, he will most likely be straight forward with you about it. And if he really does have feelings for you, then there must be a reason for why he hasn't said anything to you yet - and it could just be that he was afraid of what you might think or react to it. Anyways, sit him down and have a talk with him about it because it's not fair to you to keep going back and forth like this, especially with him being flirty. Put your foot down about it (unless you don't mind at all). Don't be afraid to talk to him about this, since he also needs to mature about all of this. Hope that helped and good luck.

Q: ive heard that trust, communication, and love are 3 things you need in order to have a healthy relationship. we trust eachother, we communicate(most of the time, its mostly me communicating. but he does, sometimes, when somethings really bugging him), and we're totally head over heals for eachother, as far as i know. and yet, we're still having problems! we get in fights every other day and end up not talking for a few days, and im so sick of being stressed out by all this,

how can i fix this? any advice?

Try to focus more on being best friends than being boyfriend and girlfriend for a bit. I could go into details (please message me if you would like me to). I'll keep it short here.

While you were right that trust, communication, and love are three essentials for a healthy relationship, you must realize that they are not the only things. Relying on just these three entities will not guarantee you a stress-free relationship. Far from it, and as it seems it is now, you will end up struggling trying to balance and make up for other aspects of your relationship and friendship that are not in harmony.

Try to relax a bit with each other. Learn to give and learn to take. If you guys hit bumps, then that is totally natural. Don't get too upset about it, but make sure you at least make an effort to go back and talk about or fix them every once in a while, because it doesn't have to be right there at that moment.

So you guys argue over something? You didn't like his tone? How upset his choice of words made you? Well those are things that you can approach him about, but let him know that it is a two way street and there may be things he did not like about it either. It isn't a time for either of you to be defensive about it at all, so try hard to let him know that and keep yourself away from being defensive, or offensive for that matter.

Learn to listen to each other without the fear that it will cause damage. As long as you make that effort to just get along as friends and best friends, the rest will fall into place. Hope that helped and good luck.

Q: 15/f
this is a VERY long story, but im gonna try to lay this out as short as possible and please, im desperate here, you have NO clue what i've been through these past few months, and i need all the help i can get..

last year i met a REALLY sensative guy. he was 16, about to be 17, and i was 14.. he was soooo shy, hes VERY insecure. when we first started dating, all he said to me was how i saved him and pulled him out of his misery because he has had no luck with relationships and was treated like shit by girls his whole life. hes not even that cute and popular, and i have a waaay higher social status in my grade/ school then he does in his grade.. but ive been known to have wierd taste and i can look beyond looks and things like that very easily. i think when we first started dating him i was just excited over the fact that he had a car and he was a junior and i was only a freshmen.. but i actually did end up falling in love with him. and he was COMPLETELY in love with me. we lost our virginities to eachother and ill tell you, im smart, and not at all a bit naiive.. i knew this kid loved me. & we did NOT have a sex based relationship whatsoever.. we became eachothers best friends. both of us lost all of our other friends because we were only with eachother 24-7. he called my mom 'mom' and i did the same with his mom.. we were incredibly close.. and sense he was older, i felt so comftorbal and secure with him, and i went to him with all my problems, and he would help me.. ive been suffering from depression for years and me and my mother never had a good relationship, and my father left me, and i was molested as a baby.. but when i was with him, he made me feel so comftorbal. we told eachother EVERYTHING. and i was postive he was there to stay. he promised me forever every single day. we dated for a year. i messed it up, biggest mistake of my entire life.. he started getting very annoying and up my ass. you know when youre in a bad mood and you just want to be left alone? well he would never leave me alone. he'd be like 'its okay babe i love you' bla bla. all mushy, when i just want to be mad!. i tried talking to him about this many times and all he could say was im sorry i just love you soooo much i cant help it.. all my friends called him whipped cream and everything.. it was BAD. but anyways, one night i was out with my friends the day before a cheer competition, and my ex was there.. and somewhere along the lines, we kissed.. my boyfriends friend was there and told him that if i didnt tell him, he was going to.. i knew he wasnt going to break up with me or anything.. so i told him.. but the thing is.. i think i was looking for a fight with him because our relationship was so boring. when i told him, it pissed me off how he was crying instead of being mad, yelling at me. so i started saying things to make him mad.. i said TERRIBLE things. like i was gonna keep cheating on him because he basically lets me, and how i know i take advantage of him because he trusts me so much but i shouldnt.. and he was like well maybe i have to break up with you then.. and he was like i really dont want to. and i was like fine just do it idont care! yelling at him and stuff.. and then he did. i was thinking we would get back together in a couple weeks.. so after we broke up, we still talked because we obv. still loved eachother and everything. we acted like we were going out, and we even 'hooked up' a few times.. but when he asked me back out, i kept saying no, i wasnt ready.. because the relationship was SOOO akward after we broke up.. he was acting so different. and i knew why. it was because i broke his heart. and i did, bad. so one day after we hooked up, my friend told me that her brother saw my 'boyfriend, x-boyfriend, whatever u wanna call him' at a store.. and he was saying how he was done with me and he was trying to get with this new girl 'leesh'.. i was FURIOUS. i called him up screaming at him asking for all my stuff back and it was over for good and everything. but really, i wanted an appology from him, not my stuff back. btw, i was very remorsful for cheating on him and saying what i said to him, i mustve appologized a million times.. but he didnt say anything, he justgave me all my stuff back and acted like it was nothing.. and then i kept trying to get him back, but he kept rejecting me. i was litterally down on my knees for this kid. until one day i found out he had a girlfriend. not just some girl.. the girl who dates ALL the boys that i date after me.. but thats a whole nother story.. anyways, i was devistated. i couldnt eat, i couldnt talk, i couldnt sleep, i couldnt go to school,, nothing. all i did was cry and cry and cry and cry. i tried talking to him seeing if we could be friends and stuff, but he hates me now. if i send him one text, he shuts his phone off. he goes all different ways in the halls so i dont have to see him in school, he wont even look my way. he saw me practically drown in my own tears and he didnt even care. i wrote him long long letters, i tried everything i could just to be able to talk to him when i need to, so i wouldnt be so hurt about the situation.. now, i have two weeks left of school and im failing 4 classes.. and im an honors student. i DONT fail. its not me. and im grounded because of it, so i cant even go out and try to forget it. its been sense thhe end of february... and still,all i can think about is killing myself.. people say they are heart broken.. but this gives heart broken a new definition. there is litterally a hole in my chest. and i keep getting maaaassive anxiety attacks in class, and i do go to counceling wich is sort of helpful but we mostly talk about my parents.. three days ago, she broke up with him. and he was very upset from what i heard.. he hasnt tried talking to me or anything but i dont know what to do, i want to talk to him but he'll just ignore me.. i love this kid and care about him with my life. today i thought i was going to DIE. it was the last day of school for the seniors. the last time ill EVER see him again. the last time ill ever get to look for him i the halls so i can walk by him.. that was the only time i ever got to see him, and today was my last day. and when i walked by him for the very last time of my life today, he didnt even look at me. it was so painful. he couldnt even have the heart to say bye to me considering im his first love and helll never see me again. i havent been able to stop crying sense i last saw him. i dont even know what to do with my life any more. someone PLEEEEEASE tell me what to do to get him back. ANNYTHING. I AM DESPERATE FOR HELP. we had such a good relationship till i cheated and we Never ever had one fight. but you dont even understand. this kid wouldnt even look at any other girls, deleted all the girls in his phone book, couldnt go an hour without texting me just saying he loved me, couldnt go a day withouth seeing me, brought me flowers randomly, did EVERYTHING for me. how can you love someone so much and go through everything we've been through together, and then just completely shut them out of your life?

This is tough...

On one side, I want to tell you to do what you can to get a hold of him and ask for once more chance to talk to him to see what he wants.

But on the other, I would say it might be better for you to just leave it go all together.

While the second might seem a bit harsh and even tough to consider doing, I think that you need to re-examine your feelings about him and about the relationship you had. If what you really want back are the things he's done for you and how he treated you, then rest assured - you can find someone to do the same for you again. However, if you feel that what you really did love was him as a person, then it might be different. Realize that what you did to him was, as much as you regret it now and can't undo it, very hurtful for him.

Try to find it within yourself to see if you can let go. Getting him back might not be realistic. More so, you've already been trying for some time now. It might even complicate things further now that he is going to college. Are you interested in just talking to him as friends? Or are you looking to get back to that cloud nine relationship you had? If you really are looking for a relationship, then don't keep trying for it.

But if you really are just looking to talk to him as a friend, then try to get in touch with him to let him know that and ask him if he'd want that. If he rejects talking to you or shows no sign of wanting to continue at this point in time, then do not continue to waste your time - you will regret it. Prioritize your family and friends, and make sure you give yourself time to enjoy the things you do. Relax with music, games, whatever! Continue your counseling and make sure you don't lose yourself over this. If you need help later on or maybe even sooner about this, feel free to get a hold of me. Hope that helped and good luck!

Q: ok so i really like this guy and he said he likes me (he even said he loved me) but were not going out officially, were just friends with benefits really. we've hooked up a few times but we've never really talking about being in a relationship, but i kinda want to be in one with him.. idk it sounds retarded but i dont know what to do. any advice?

Cut out the 'benefits' part. Try to be just regular friends with him and take it from there. If after drawing the line and not hooking up with him he becomes distant, then it doesn't seem like a relationship is even possible if a friendship doesn't start. So talk to him, let him know how you feel and find out how he feels. Try to go from a friendship and build it up from there, it doesn't have to always be about intimacy. Hope that helped and good luck.

Q: Hi there. So, I'm in a bit of a dilemma these days. I'm at a fork in the road where I have to make a decision that might change the rest of my life. Let me just get to it.

A few months ago I got to hang out with a friend of mine... we begun to really hang out a lot, go on trips together, and just have a great time in each other's company. I began to realize that she is an incredible person who I could actually see myself possibly settling with. Nothing physical happened, though, b/c she is getting out of a long-term relationship and wasn't ready emotionally to move on yet. We just enjoyed hanging out with each other (practically everyday for 2 months) but, didn't talk about moving forward b/c of reason mentioned above. She's not from the U.S. and has recently traveled back to her home country to take care of a few things but, plans on being back here in a few months...

On the job front, I've just been potentially been offered a position that would start in a few weeks. The thing is, the job goes until October and, once I'm there, there's no leaving, visitors, packages sent, or any other contact other than e-mail and an occasional phone call. Except for the 40 or so other folks I'd be working with, it's total isolation. This is what I believe to be a once in a lifetime opportunity and, I could use the money. Like I said, I'd have to stay there until October at the minimum.

So, do I forget about the job, go after this incredible woman and hope something comes of it or do I take the once in a lifetime job and hope that she's still available/interested when I get back?

Ii just read that I should include my age, as it might make a difference... I'm in my early 30's.

Sounds tough. If you take the job, its a guarantee, but you risk losing the chance with your friend. If you decide to try and take things further with your friend, you lose the job but also take the chance that things might work out. There seems to be more safety in taking the job than it trying to go for a relationship.

If you were to think of having the job and having a relationship each worth a single point, then taking the job would guarantee you 1 point, and leaves you open for a still possible 2 points later on. If you forget the job and try to form a relationship, then your betting your money [no pun intended] on getting 1 point, with no way of getting back the other one. My point is that you have no guarantees with trying to form the relationship, but at least have one with the job.

If you don't mind the job and aren't dreading it, and it is the chance of a lifetime to do, then why not go for it? Also, you said she plans on being here in a few months. So she's not here yet? Again, something might come up and prevent her from coming back...and who's to say that she won't meet someone else to be more than friends with outside the US?

While it does seem like a great opportunity to keep things going with her, that might take time and work out great. If things fall apart all too quickly, you might have regrets about not taking the job. While normally I would say to put love before work, you aren't officially dating or actually married, so everything that could happen is up for grabs, including nothing happening at all.

My advice is to take the job. It still leaves the chance open for something to happen later. You could still keep in touch here and there with her. It doesn't seem to be a long-term friendship, for over several years, so those feelings and good times could just be short-lived. At least with your job, you'll earn some money and maybe even have the time to form other friendships there. Hope that helped and good luck.

Q: Well, there's this guy.. [lol] as usual. Let's call him Joe. I had a class first semester with Joe in computer, and we sat next to each other [because of our last names]; anyways, it was more mutual than flirty-flirty. However, my best friend's locker is right next to his, so every time I'd go over there, we'd talk as well.

A few days ago, two people asked me if we were going out, and I said 'no'. Now Joe and I talk a lot more often. Instead of me initiating conversation, he almost always does. We talk about everything from class, to what he has on his iPod. I feel so comfortable around him, and I really can see myself with him. We've made eye contact, we talk consistently throughout the day, we're almost always around each other. Today [in cooking], we had to go outside to help the teacher bring in her groceries, and the only person that he really talked to, was me.

Remember, school started in August, so it's taken him quite awhile to 'warm up to me'. I rarely see him talking to other girls, so that's a good thing for me. I'm kinda shy around guys, but I'm more of a 'friends before dating' type of girl. I want to hang out with him, but I don't even know if he likes me for sure! It's so confusing, and guys think that girls are confusing.. I think he knows that I'm interested, but maybe he's too shy to admit that he's interested too.

Please help me, I truly do appreciate it, especially since it's from a guy's perspective.

Sure, I'll help you out here. But first...why did you say 'and that guys think girls are confusing'. Girls are confusing! Well, for the most part they are. I think sometimes its just that guys are too simple for girls to get sometimes. Anyways...

You're allowed to hang out with him even if you aren't dating. I'm sure you've hung out and done stuff together with plenty of friends you weren't dating at that time. Same with him. Invite him to get some lunch on the weekend, or to go see a movie with another friend or too if you feel more comfortable that way, or even ice skating/bowling (depending on where you live). I'm sure he wouldn't mind. As long as you can hold a steady conversation, which it seems that guys can do, then it should be no problem hanging out or even for you to ask him to do something. Schedules may conflict here and there, but thats about all of the trouble I see.

It may sound scary, but if you like him then you should definitely tell him. Don't be afraid of making things weird between the two of you or that he might not like you back. If he doesn't like you back, then so what? You are still friends with him and that doesn't mean its permanent for him not to like your...it might just take more time. If things get awkward between the two of you after telling him, then maybe its best to just stay friends. Either way, telling him is best. You don't have to do it right away, but think about doing it soon. Guys like that. You also seem to be good enough friends that even if he was taken aback by it, it shouldn't make things so rocky between the two of you anyway.

So please keep it simple. If you want to hang out with him, then just let him know that you wanna hang out with him and ask him if he has any ideas or friends to go with. If you become closer to him and have stronger feelings for him then you should tell him. Don't be shy either, he is just your friend! Imagine if he was thinking the same thing as you and thats why he hasn't said anything... Well then if he finally did I'm sure you would feel so relieved afterwards now wouldn't you? Think positive and don't be afraid. Hope that helped and good luck.

Q: i've been through alot, and i know everybody has their issues but my homelife is an absolute mess, always has been really. but i know everybody has their own battles to fight and my whole life i've covered up whatever i was going though by being really outgoing and cracking jokes. nobody ever thinks i might be going through something because im always laughing

but when i met my boyfriend two years ago he just made me so comfortable and he makes me really really happy. he is like me always looking on the upside of things. the problem is we've been dating for a long while now and i find myself confiding in him for EVERYTHING. i call him crying, i talk about how foster care used to be and about my dad. I never got to talk to anybody about this but he's the closest person to me.

the problem is i've confided in him for years now and he knows everything, but i still feel the need to talk about it. he has never made a comment about it or even hinted that it bothered him but im starting to realize i always ruin his good mood. i feel like i am constantly raining on his parade when i make comments about that and i dont want to live like that, i want to make him happy i love him.

so my question is, how can i remember to be more optomistic about things and be a little bit more happy. this depressing funk im going through isn't helping out relationship

Talk and find out more about him. I know you know about him already, but when you feel like you are going to talk about those kind of things, then stop yourself and ask him how he feels about random things or if he has anything to share. Try to draw out the conversation for as long as you can and not to involve and negative details.

I know its nice to have a comforting person there by your side, and even more so somebody who is willing to listen. It is very good that you realized that, because sometimes I feel like not enough people realize how depressing they might be on other people. I know everyone has problems and goes through a lot, but it shouldn't be 60%+ of what you talk about. If you do mention something negative, try to balance it by finding something, anything positive to talk about. You're making a great move.

Also you can talk to him about it and try to have him help you. Of course, he might say that its fine and that he doesn't mind it, but whether he does or doesn't say that, ask him to help you be more optimistic, and that if you ever go into a rant have him stop you. If you establish that then maybe it will be easier on him to have you stop if you overboard and will be easier on you because then you know when you need to swing the mood. Hope that helped and good luck.

Q: ok. here's the deal:: my little sister got a guitar for xmas so my mother had my exboyfriend (though she doesn't know we dated) come over and give her a lesson after school. Mom basically told me to stay out of the lesson (which was kinda hard to do since they were sitting in the living room) so I talked to people on AIM blah blah blah. ANYWAY I got hungry so i went into the kitchen. well, the way my house is set up, i had to walk past them in the living room. so, once i got into the kitchen my ex started playing his guitar and goes "hey, ________(name withheld), its your favorite song" and the way he looked at me just made me think ok, what the hell is going on and what is he up to. (i can't believe he even remembered that it was my favorite!) the last time we dated, he cheated on me with my cousin/best friend. some how my cousin/best friend found out about how he was at my house and that he said that so she's getting all pissy 'cause she thinks he wants to hook back up with me. (which is absolutely ridiculous; he cheated on me with her not the other way around.) but i've been thinking about it a lot and i'm thinking maybe there is something going on and i honestly don't know what to do. if you have any idea what is going on or what i should do please please please help me. it'd be greatly appreciated.

Let it go. I really don't see anything going on here. Don't overanalyze or scrutinize every detail. You should keep in mind that guys are a lot more simple than you think, so we usually don't have the thought out 15-step process most females do. For him it was probably as simple as 'oh, I remember she likes this song' and decided to point it out to you. Don't worry about your cousin/best friend either. If she gets mad then she it overracting and you shouldn't listen to her. So I say just let it go and don't expect much, or anything out of it. If you get your hopes up too high and keep thinking about what he could have meant or silly things like that, then it'll be that much harder to get over if you find out it was meant for nothing. So no worrying. Hope that helped.

Q: yeah it did help. i think im going to wait a bit longer to talk to him bc its like everytime i talk to him he just says dont try and fix what doesnt need to be fixed i dont want anything to do with u and he tells me he doesnt have to explain anything to me

If thats how he feels then let him go. Its his loss. You tried to fix things and make it better, so if anyone did the damage it was him for giving up and not trying. I'll leave it up to you if you want to break all communications - email, phone, IM, etc - but sometimes after a long time of a break up like that the guy comes back to 'just talk'. But whatever, don't get your hopes up or get too caught up worrying about somebody who doesn't even want to be your friend. Its arrogant and ignorant of him to be that way. You honestly don't have to put up with it and shouldn't. Do your best to forget and move on. Like I said, use it to learn from the experiences but don't let the experiences keep you from learning more and moving forward. Hope that helped and you can keep me updated about it whenever you'd like to!

Q: hello. he told me that he hates me. he told me he is tired of the "sh*t" But I dont understand what he is talking about because I do not talk to anyone about him I have been keeping to myself so that there isnt any problems caused. I havent spoke to him in over a week. the last time we did talk he was so nice and he was the one who was talking to me and then all of a sudden he just told me he does not love me, does not ever want to be my friend again and he wants to forget about me.
Its messed up because he is acting like he is the victim when I have done nothing wrong:S

That is really immature of him to act like the victim here. Ask him what he means by he is tired of the things going on and why it is he hates you. It sounds irrational for him to just blow the whistle on everything like that for no reason at all. He hates you? That would answer your question as to why he doesn't want to speak to you or be your friend. But still, why does he hate you? It doesn't sound like you've done anything to deserve it.

Confront him about it and ask him why he hates you and what you did to deserve this. If he doesn't give you real reasons then just move on. Its immature of him to do that after three years of a relationship. If even that was too much for him then obviously he couldn't handle anything more. Besides, if you did do something that upset him or made things tense between the two of you, then he still shouldn't have called everything off and said he hates you. If he couldn't handle you at your worst then he certainly doesn't deserve you at your best. Give it another shot and if it doesn't work, then its his loss. Hope that helped.

Q: This is for either girls or guys.

What are your standards for someone you would date?

Sometimes I think my standards are a little too high, so I was just wondering about other people's. Looks; type of personality; color hair; height; style; family; beliefs etc. Not really your ideal person, but rather (Put bluntly) what MUST they have or be?

Thanks

I can't personally speak from experience in terms of dating numerous amounts of people. However, I will say that dating isn't so much about finding the right person to love, its about learning how to love.

It isn't all the fun times spent together that alone hold together a relationship. It's also the rough times held out and all the problems encountered and dealt with.

In terms of standards of others, try to set some for yourself. Ideally, you would want somebody who shares the same values as you anyways, right? Since I never really had standards to begin with, but have been in a long term relationship, I can say that they remain to be that she has to be smart and pretty. If they are willing enough to love, the rest will fall into place. Hope that helped.

Q: hello there, i am an 18 year old female. My boyfriend of three years broke up with me a month ago and recently told me that he does not love me anymore. I was really hurt at first because I do love him with all my heart but I realised I would rather be his friend than not in his life at all. He then told me that he did not want to be my friend, did not want to talk to me and wanted to forget about me. I dont understand why he wants all of this. if he does not love me then why does it bother him to talk to me. I dont talk to him about us. I talk to him about the world and things in life. Do you think he might still love me and it is hurting him to talk to me? Maybe if I leave him alone like he wants he will realise that he loves me too? I just want this pain in my heart to stop. I lose my bestfriend and boyfriend all at one time and it hurts so bad.

please help

Very difficult. I'm sorry to hear all of that. OK well if you were best friends and dated for so long, then he should at least grant you the decency to talk to you about why he does not want to speak with you at all or remain friends.

One possible reason for why he does not want to keep talking to you is because some people feel it better that when a relationship ends, so does communication with the person. Others, usually after lighter termed relationships, maintain contact, but are a bit awkward and not as good of friends as before dating. Still, other couples break up but still act very friendly towards each other and don't have too much of a problem when the other is dating someone else.

Its very tough. You should talk to him and ask him to explain not why he doesn't love you anymore, but even just why he does not want to be friends or speak with you ever again. Does he feel regretful? Perhaps the pain is just too much for him and he doesn't want to be reminded of what he is missing out on. Please, don't give up just yet. You don't seem to be clingy If he doesn't want to explain and after telling him how you feel he still does not want to talk to you or be friends, then maybe it would be best to move on. Does he dislike you now? If its that he just doesn't love you, thats still different from him disliking or even hating you. It might complicate and make things worse if after he asks not to communicate you keep going at it, but you should still give it a try at least for a bit more.

Try to get a feel for things. Sort your feelings out and if he doesn't want to accept you into his life, then do your best to move on and not let it get to you. You should learn from experiences, but don't let them scar you and stop you from moving forward. If you've gotten this far with someone, which is quite an accomplishment, then you are fully capable of achieving something even better. Hope that helped and good luck.

Q: I don't know what else to do, this might be long but I really need help.
I'm 18/f and my bf recently broke up with me since I decided to respect my religion and not "do" things with him when he comes to visit my country next. (We both have diff. religions). So when he was breaking up (he did it online, he lives in another country, he studies there), he threatened me with things like "i will f*** you up so bad", "you will SO regret this", "i will show you what it means to get me angry", "you SO will suffer" and so on. And he will do those things when he visits his family (his family lives where I live..). He knows which uni I go to, and knows where my house is. He beat up his ex-gf before and told me the story as a "warning" not to piss him off.. I'm terrified, I think he plans on physically hurting me. There's about 13 more days till he gets here.. I've already planned on talking to my uni counselor about this but I need help from people around my age. I'm not strong to cope with this, I haven't slept for days getting nightmares of him coming after me, I've considered calling the airport and notifying them not to let him in the country but if I do that, I'd just make a fool out of myself. Please please please, I'm really panicking =*(

Thanks for your time, I appreciate it greatly.
=*(

Tell someone about this. Speak to counselors, even your parents if you have to. If somebody is threatening to hurt you, its serious. Don't be afraid to do anything you need to do to stay safe. If it means contacting police or other law enforcement then do it. If you still have any conversations or e-mails saved, or will talk again and he brings it up, save it. You don't need to panic about this, but just be prepared. He could be just bluffing to make you feel bad, and to make him feel better about himself.

Actually, I really respect you for sticking to your religion. For that, you really won't suffer, no matter what he or anyone else says to you. You did the right thing. Tell other adults, and your close friends if you trust them with this. If you still don't feel safe, then make sure you can find away to be with your family, friends, or law enforcement with you when he arrives. Please, don't panic and don't be afraid to defend yourself. I hope that helped and good luck.

Q: my ex boyfriend, brandon, cheated on me. he told me he was going to an nba game and went to stay with a girl in a town 2 hours away for a week. well i found out the truth and we broke up... not in a bad way. we both just agreed we didnt work out. but we really liked eachother. well we went to prom together still and then never talked. i didnt even get pics. well i got a myspace and he added me one day. i was so stoked to talk to him again. then he started messaging me everyday. he asked for my number and told me he was comign home from college in a couple days. well he wants to hang out but i know im still gonna want him, but what if he just wants to be friends. how do i know or find out with out being obvious.

Well without being obvious, you might not even find out the truth. Honestly, just straight out asking "hey do you like me as just a friend or is it more than that?" sounds tough, but it draws the line and makes things a lot clearer for the both of you. If you are trying to find out before he comes you should ask him. If you really feel uncomfortable with asking him, then ask what he would have in mind to do and if he would mind you inviting some of your friends. If he is leaning towards just spending time with you alone it could be a more-than-just-friends kind of thing...but still no guarantee. If you decide to wait for him to be there to find that out then just focus on the way he talks to you and the way he treats you. Be a bit cautious though, since he did cheat on you before. You can be fair and give him a second chance, but always be aware of what you might be getting yourself into. So ask him what he wants to do, focus on the way he treats and talks to you if he does come over and even before he does, and if you are confident enough you can straight out ask him to find out the truth. It isn't a bad thing for girls to ask a guy that. Hope that helped and good luck.

Q: this story is kinda complicated, but i dont know what to do.
the guy that i like, who is one of my best frenz, said that he has an issue wit alot of my close girl frenz, and that they get on his nerves.
bt i neva had a clue, until he told me to my face. i was rilli upset, and the thing is...
i think he likes me....
and i like him too....
but i dont want there to be an issue between him and my friends if we go out...

i love my girl frenz nd him too. i mean they are my best frenz.
ugh...wat do i do??????

If he has an issue with your best friends, then why doesn't he have an issue with you? I'm sure you and your best friends are somewhat similar and have the same likes/dislikes. Its not always a positive sign when a guy doesn't like most or all of your close friends, but you need to find out why he feels that way. If he can't give you a good enough reason, then I don't see why you should ditch your best friends just for him since I'm sure you've known your best friends for much longer. If you do decide to go out with him then make it clear to him that it means accepting you AND your friends, even if they do get on his nerves, and that he shouldn't expect you to ditch them just because he gets annoyed with them. Hope that helped and good luck.

Q: i love this guy, we talked and he was talking to me like a guy would talk to a girl he might like and he told me i was cute and everything then one of my best friends came into the picture and ever since then hes been talking to her the same way and talking to me more just like a regular person and im really upset, how should i handle this? 14/f

Are you still friends with him? I think it would be best for you to move on and not keep brooding over it. If you two were dating it might be a different story. You shouldn't feel at lost for something like this. I know that a lot of girls love to just have that guy there who tells them all those things they want to hear (believe it or not, even if its somebody other than their current boyfriend). I'm sure you can both stay friends and still stay best friends with her, but if was saying all those things to you and is now saying it to your best friend, then who else has he said it to and who's next? Get the picture? I don't mean to say that he was making anything up or just says these things to be nice, but some guys (yes they actually exist) might go out of their way to say nice things to girls they might consider better friends, or are just comfortable saying it to. Don't hold a grudge or be jealous about it, because if you do get that way it might interfere with the friendship you have with your best friend, besides the fact that she probably never even meant to make you feel this way in the first place. Hope that helped and good luck.

Q: 15/f
ok so i used to date this boy--Brent. we were together for a year and a half on and off. he was my first love but he was also a pothead. well one night at our school's homecoming game bonfire, he got high and decided to blurt out to my step-sister Brittany that he had cheated on me. at least thats what she says; he denies it. well this was about a year ago. since then ive dated his friend--Cody. and Cody and i had this thing over the summer where we were talking and long story short-he turned out to be a complete butthole. well im still not completely over Cody but lately Brittany has been trying to get me to give Brent another chance and he was myspace-messaging my best friend; Amber trying to find out if i still liked him. so i messaged him and asked why he was bugging my friend. well we had this big long talk about how hes still in love with me and he was begging for another chance; even tho i told him i couldnt go through that again. well i dont like him anymore but i dont know how to tell him. but on the other had, i kinda want to give him another chance. Brittany and Brent both say that hes done with pot and everything but im scared. thank you if you took the time to read this long question and please help!

Drugs? Eww... I can understand why you would want to give him a second chance. You don't seem to have the same feelings for him as he has for you. If you are scared about him with pot then thats a clear sign of whether you should give him another chance. You could try it, but things could also get messy. I would steer clear of that and just find somebody else. I'm not sure how old he is, but still even around that age drugs causes too much damage. I won't judge him for it, but just use caution if you do decide to give him a second chance. If you go through with it, make sure that it is because you really do want to try things again with him, and not because he and your sister are making you feel like you really should. Hope that helped and good luck.

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Feel free to ask me any questions or for an alternate way of contacting me through my inbox.

I really like giving advice, so thats why I have a column here. I've been inactive for a long time, but I'm back and will do my best to catch up. Advicenators is a great site and it is what we make it. Having my own advice column helped me learn a lot of new things, even about myself, while giving me the chance to help others along the way. Thanks.