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My column is dedicated to telling it like it is. I will always give you the best information available to me or the best advice I can. I will be upfront and never hide the truth from you.

The one thing I will not do is you homework. I will try and point you towards the answer or help you find the answers you looking for. Ultimately you will have to find the answer yourself.

advice

19/female. i'm still a virgin, but i do have a few questions for when im READY to have sex. i've heard that some girls bleed, and if your really wet that you'll get the bed/sheets wet, correct? I think i'm going to be very embarassed when this happens, even when i'm with the right guy. especially if we're on his bed, which will probably be the case? how can i overcome being embarassed about it, even though it's basically natural. did anyone else have this problem? what did you do? and what is your preference to do after you have sex with a guy? just like opinions, thats all:)

I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you may have received and may continue to receive from others.

Found the website listed below for another young lady with a very similar question to yours. I believe if you look this website over most of your questions will be answered.

As I say in my opening statement; I am older than most advisors. Actually I am old enough to be your grandparent. You are of legal age to give consent to have sex so I am not going to go down the waiting to you are older road. Sex between two people who love each other is a wonderful thing. Sex as a recreational sport is not love. Make sure to use condoms as well as proper birth control. Never ever allow a man to go bare back (as the saying goes) until you are in a monogamous relationship and have had HIV tests.

http://www.pamf.org/teen/sex/virginity/disappointments.html.

I had this conversation with my friend where she said her boyfriend had a total "boner" when she was making out with him the other night. I just kind of nodded and agreed with her about it and stuff because I don't want to sound really stupid. What is a boner?

A boner is another name for when a male has an erection.

ok so im almost 14/m and i am in pretty good shape, cuz iv been workin out for a year. i have big arms for my age, muscular, and a pretty good body. on the bus today, this 7th grder, whos small but pretty strong for his age, as always messes with me. he was slapping me and i was just like " dude stop"tryin to block it. one of my frans said, dude hit him back, and i was like no man . eventually he stopped. i overheard my friend telling other ppl on the bus, thatim strong, i just dont know howto fight. help?

I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you may have received and may continue to receive from others.

I think you did the right thing by not being goaded into a fight. You were on a school bus would have meant both of you would have ended up being punished had the driver reported you as most schools today have a zero tolerance policy against fighting.

The fact that you could not be goaded into a fight and could in essence walk away from the fight shows you are the better man. Anyone can fight someone, when fight someone will win and someone will lose. Hopefully that is the worst that will happen and no one is seriously injured. If anyone is injured then there is a host of other problems that arise; medical, legal and police involvement.

Continue to be the better man and walk away from a fight. If you feel you need to know how to defend yourself then learn to do so. But remember you only want to defend yourself if attacked, never be goaded into fight.

This girl has been my bestfriend for 2 years and I found out about 2 months ago that her dad abuses her. We're both 15. I'm a freshman, she's a sophomore. I have been through a lot, but I can't seem to help her with this. She refuses to tell anyone-adult or one of those hotlines-because she thinks they'll send her dad away, which will ruin her family. She's told her other 4 siblings, they don't believe her because he doesn't do it to them. She says they only believe what they see but she doesn't want them to see. How can I help her!!?

I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you may have received and may continue to receive from others.

There is a fine line between punishment and abuse. The fact that your friends’ siblings are not hit by their father lends me to believe the father may have crossed the line.

This is a problem that you cannot resolve yourself as it requires an adult to intervene.
I would suggest you do the following

• Talk to your parents and tell them what you believe is happening or what your friend is telling you. If your friend is show signs of being hit make sure you parents see this. Then let your parents handle this from there.

• Speak with your school Principal or Guidance Counselor. School authorities are legally required to report suspected child abuse.

Without actual fact or being an eye witness to her being hit by her father, there is not much else you can do. You are being a good friend to her by trying to look out for her well being. While she may not believe this at the moment, she will eventually see that you have her best interest at heart

Should you have the time write back and let me know what you did and what the outcome was

last night i was in my room after school and I started to masterbate. I don't masturbate too often so I guess I didn't think about locking my door. Well, my mom walked in on me! She left pretty quickly but I don't want to just leave it at that. At dinner she was pretty quiet and didn't seem too happy. I know I should say something to her, right? What do I say? Or do I just let this blow over?

I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you may have received and may continue to receive from others.

First; let me say that there is nothing wrong with masturbation. Contrary to what some mothers tell their children you will not go blind and you will not grow hair in the palm of your hand. I read somewhere that as many as 90% of the people they surveyed said they indulged in masturbation. Mutual masturbation is part of most people’s sexual foreplay. The simplest definition of masturbation I can think of is: the manual stimulation of one’s sex organ. To me this would include BJ’s, HJ’s Fingering and Cullingus.

As to what happened; you mother is probably just as embarrassed for walking in on you as you were by having your mom walk in on you while you were masturbating. If you have been masturbating for any length of time your mother was most likely already aware of it. No matter how well you cleaned up after yourself there are always tell tale signs left on the sheets or your shorts. I think you and your mom are really in the same place not knowing what to say to each other.

You did not say how old you are or if you are male or female. I am assuming you are male. I would prefer a young teenage male to take care of his sexual needs through masturbation , which are brought on by the fast changing hormonal changes of puberty, then he be looking for sex with some young girl and take the chance of getting her pregnant or worse catching a STD. I’m fairly certain your mother feels the same way.

My suggestion: Wait a few days and see if things between you and your mother return to normal or if your mother approaches you about what happened. If things do not get better between you and your mother then you should approach her. You start by saying; Mom I’m sorry you caught me masturbating the other day but I am not apologizing for what I was doing, only for not locking my door and protecting my privacy. You may wish to add that there is nothing wrong with what you were doing and most religions condone masturbation, including Judeo/Christian religions. This will give your mother the opportunity to say something to you or even apologize for not knocking before entering your room.

There is quite a lot of good information on the web about masturbation. It would be a good idea if you went online and did some research to show you mother if needed.

18/f
Alright, I don't know how appropriate this questions is but im gonna ask anyway. So I recently lost my virginity to my boyfriend. I was a virgin, he wasnt. I know this sounds kind of stupid but what am i supposed to do. I kind of just laid there a took it lol. I really love him and want to make it as enjoyable as possible for him. Any advice or links as to what i should do? Thank you

I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you may have received and may continue to receive from others.

The first website I have listed below is written more for the male, but there is no reason you and your boyfriend cannot look at it together and find positions you would like to try. The second website listed is one you might have looked at before having sex the first time. It might not be a bad idea to look through this website as it covers things such as condom usage, birth control and why it is important finding a comfortable place to have sex where you won’t be interrupted or discovered.

As I say in my opening statement; I am older than most advisors. Actually I am old enough to be your grandparent. You are of legal age to give consent to have sex so I am not going to go down the waiting to you are older road. Sex between two people who love each other is a wonderful thing. Sex as a recreational sport is not love. Make sure to use condoms as well as proper birth control. Never ever allow a man to go bare back (as the saying goes) until you are in a monogamous relationship and have had HIV tests.

http://www.menshealth.com/sexpositionmaster/forher.html

http://www.pamf.org/teen/sex/virginity/disappointments.html.

About 5 hours ago i was laying in bed and I had to get up to do number two. I was dripped in sweat but my body was really could and my stomach was hurting so bad i could not breathe. After i layed back down for a while it went away but I still had some stomach pains. About an hour ago I had to go again and this time I only pooped blood, this has happened three more times. Should I go to the emergency room right now or wait for the doctor in the morning?

I am a member of a Fire Department Rescue Squad. You need to see a doctor know. You should not drive yourself to the doctors or a hospital ER. If ther is no one to drive you call 911 and ask for an ambulance. They will ask whats wron, Tell them you are passing blood when you bowel movement.

Do not be surprise if a fire truck shows first before the ambulance. This is standard practice in most fire departments to dispatch the closest piece of fire equipment to care for you until the ambulance arrives.

Please do not wait, pick up the phone and dial 911 now.

Okay, I'm fourteen(female) and I'm a freshman in highschool. So here's the deal. There's this sophomore(male) (almost sixteen) Ive been "talking" to for the past few months, and I realllllly like him. He knows I like him, and he likes me too and I guess you could say we date a little but it's nothing exclusive and we agreed to take it very slow. Well then there is this junior boy... I do not like him, at all. In fact, he creeps me out a little and he's been trying to ask me out lately. He's asked me to go on like three dates and I've said no each time. I've told him everything; that I'm kind of involved with someone else, I'm not interested, my parents won't let me... (all of those things are true by the way. And since I'm like young for my grade, he's like three years older than me) He doesn't seem to get the point. I could just totally bitch him out and turn him down cold but he's like a popular junior guy. Really popular. And if he got mad at me, he could definitely make my life hell... So now I don't know what to do. Oh and by the way, this junior guy only wants "to f*** me" as he's basically told me... So what should I do about the junior and how should I handle the sophomore who is starting to get really jelous and angry... What should I do???

I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you may have received and may continue to receive from others.

You have told this boy on more than one occasion NO. I would suggest the next time he asks you out that you tell him straight out you have no interest in dating him and would he please stop harassing you for a date. Hopefully you will have some friends around to hear this.

Schools have a zero tolerance when it comes to sexual harassment. So make sure the next time he asks you for a date you say no and THAT YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED IN DATING HIM AND HE SHOULD STOP HARRASING YOU. Make sure you use the word HARRASSING.

If he continues to ask you for dates you should report him to the proper authority within the school and let them handle from there. You should also inform your parents so that they can see to it that the school authorities handle this properly.

Please remember one thing about this situation; you are at no fault here and you have done nothing to bring this on yourself. The fault for this is all on the young man who has not learned how to take no for an answer. By reporting him now you may be saving other girls/women from him from something far more serious. The sooner he learns no means no the safer you and other girls/women will be from him.

ok im 16 and a female
on saturday i had a ATV (motorbike) accident i ran straight into a tree and smashed the front end of my parents quad with my neighbour on the back now i feel useless and pathetic i had stitches in my nose and i still have 6 in my leg and i cant walk so im on crutches and i keep getting the impression that their absoloutly pissed about me not being able to help out even though i mostly still do my chores and i think their pised about the quad but they keep saying it doesnt matter that im lucky and they arent mad at all.. are they mad or what im so confused andi dont know what to think...Please help...
-sleepiesheep-

As a member of a fire department Rescue Squad I can tell you that you and your friend are lucky to be alive.

Your parents are probably feeling a great deal of emotions. They are probably trying to get over the fear they had when they were called about the accident; the fear that your neighbor may sue them for their injuries. They are probably upset that you took the ATV out, possibly without their permission; their relief that your injuries are not serious.

As a 16 year old you may have a part-time job; if so you could offer to help pay for the repairs. If the ATV had some type of Insurance coverage you could offer to reimburse your parents the deductable they have to pay toward the repairs or replacement. This would be the adult thing to do. If you have not already done so an apology would probably go along way as well.

I have only one other suggestion for you before you get back on an ATV. That is that you take a safe operators course. If you do not know where one is offered ask the dealership you purchased it from, or any dealership that sells ATV’s for that matter, as they should know where the course is offered. One other thing always wear a safety helmet when riding an ATV.

15/f

okay, so i have been seeing my boyfriend for 3 weeks now. we just hungout a couple of days ago and we started making out and he fingered me and i gave him a hand job. first time giving someone a handjob. okay so now i have finally realized what happened. and i feel disgusted in myself. i notice that its probably way too soon to do any of this. now i feel depressed and now im avoiding him because when i told my friend she said that she gives us 2 weeks until we have sex. im scared of having sex but when we get into it, hormones take over. so now i dont know what to do. and i can't tell him the way i feel. i am number one person who can't do confrontations.

I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you may have received and may continue to receive from others.

At your age setting boundaries is absolutely important, especially when it comes to sex. If you are not ready for intercourse you should not feel pressured to do so or feel obligated to have sex with any boy just to keep him as your boyfriend. Doing so not only compromises your principals but as you have said makes you feel gross or dirty.

The sex play you and your boyfriend have participated in, which is called mutual masturbation, should be sufficient for to settle the raging hormones that he is feeling as he goes through puberty. If you are comfortable with him fingering you then you can continue with this until you BOTH are ready to go further in exploring both your sexuality and the world of sex. The nice thing about mutual masturbation is that you can do this without getting completely undressed. If you wish to continue with this and want to make sure you stay at this level then do so by only allowing him to finger you by putting his hand either down your pants or up your skirt depending on what you are wearing. I would recommend wearing pants at all times when on a date with him. If he wants to get totally undressed that is up to him. You should at the very least stay dressed from the waist down.

This is your body and you control what happens to it. You need to learn to say no. What I am about to say is going to sound silly but it works. I was a very successful salesman for 35 years and I have used this technique many a time. Go in your room and close the door. Stand in front of you mirror and practice what you will tell your boyfriend, say it out loud and watch your facial expressions. Say it and make your face say you mean it. You could say something like;
I am not ready for what we did on our last date. I allowed what happened to happen because I did not know how to say no and now I feel dirty and disgusted.
You can add on from there, but practice what you are going to say until you are comfortable with it and can say it with determination. Please believe me this works.

Why is an adult telling you it is okay to do this? It would be nice if all teenagers refrained from having sex until they were married. The fact is most of you if not all of you will not. Most of your parents, grandparents and their parents engaged in premarital sex. I believe it would be hypercritical of me as an advisor and an adult to say otherwise. What I tell all young women is not to compromise their principals and not to allow themselves to be forced to do anything they are not ready for. Sex is a beautiful thing when practiced between two CONSENTING individuals. The operative word is CONSENTING.

You feel depressed for one of two reasons:
1. You felt pressured into giving your boyfriend a BF and allowing him to finger him.
2. You were not ready for any of this to happen but did not know how to say no, which is another form of issue number 1.
As I said above, it is your body: You decide what happens to it. Never, ever allow anyone to force you or pressure you to do anything you are not comfortable with. When you are ready for sex make sure you get on some form of birth control and that the gentleman always uses a condom.

ok I'm only a fifteen year old girl. For some reason I get a variety of symptoms at random. Tunnel vision, shaking, muscle spasms, light-headed/dizzy/queasy, and lots of headaches. I've already been to the doctor, but she only focused on one symptom. She thought I might be dehydrated, which is possible, but that doesn't explain some of the symptoms. She tested my blood pressure laying down to sitting and from sitting to standing up. It dropped a little on the first one, and significantly on the second. Which is why she thought it was dehydration. But dehydration doesn't cause muscle spasms, does it? All of my symptoms happen RANDOMLY, not just when I'm hungry (hypoglycemic)and not just when changing position (dehdration). But at any moment it could happen. What could it be? or is it just nothing?

I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you may have received and may continue to receive from others.

It sounds as if you do not trust your doctors’ opinion or diagnosis. If this is true the best advice I can give you is to ask your parents to arrange for you to see another doctor for a second opinion. Having another doctor, someone you have not seen before, provide a second opinion is a common occurrence, and one most insurance companies will allow.

The advisors on this forum are not doctors and should not be offering medical advice or diagnosis. Only a doctor can determine, through proper testing, what may be effecting you based on the symptoms you supply them. We could be totally wrong and say you have something that is totally benign when in actuality you have something that at the time is easily treated by a doctor. Left untreated your illness grows into something that is much harder to treat. This is why you should, when it comes to medical advice, seek out a medical professional for all matters relating to your medical well being. Should you disagree with the doctors findings then seek another opinion from another doctor.

15/f
so i met these 2 guys at the gym and they asked me to hang out and i said okay so i hung out with them last night. my friend supposedly has met them before at a party though and one of them tried to rape her and stuff but she got away, but i went anyway because im not sure if thats completly true. so they are both 18 in college and we went to a pool and we did hookah and we were drinking vodka and they kept trying to get me to drink more (sketchy?) and two of us were really drunk and so we started making out and i barely remember anything all i know is that now im really really sore 'down there', but i vagualy remember him saying we werent going to do it because he didnt have a condom? but i dont think i would have been okay with doing that, i am/was a virgin and now i just feel really gross and i don't know what to do. they have a history of raping or trying to rape girls, so could he have done that to me and i just dont remember cause i was so drunk or was it just fingering? please help i don't know what to think or anything!!!

Based on what you have written you were most likely raped by those boys, in fact you probably were. Because you were drunk they cannot claim you consented, just how drunk you were or if they used a date rape drug, depending on how long ago this happened, may still be able to be determined by blood tests. Depending on the Laws where you live someone who is 18 having sex with a 15 year old is committing Statutory Rape as you are considered a minor and not capable of consenting. The 18 year old is also guilty of contributing to the delinquency of a minor if they claim you did consent. It is one of those flukes in the law.

Here is what I believe you should do:

1. You need to tell your parents what happened. Remember you were raped; this is not anything you brought on yourself. So yes your parents are going to be upset and most likely will even get very angry. Their anger will not be directed at you but at the boys who raped you.

2. Call the police and file a criminal complaint. Hopefully you have not washed the clothes and under garments you were wearing, specifically your panties.

3. Go to the nearest hospital for an examination. The police will most likely want to send someone with you. This is a chain of evidence thing so allow them to do so. You say you were a virgin before this happened to you. The exam will confirm your loss of virginity.

4. Get some counseling: Depending on where you live there should be a National Rape crisis hot line you can call that will put you in touch with counselors in your community. Most likely the police or hospital will offer you this information when you see them. Even though you say you don't remember what happened your sub-conscience does, so get some counseling to help you avoid some of the problems this type of violation can bring on.

Most importantly is you need the love and support of your family at this time. As I stated at the beginning; I am old enough to be your grandfather; if you were my daughter or granddaughter I would first hope nothing like this would ever happen to you. If it did I would want you to feel you could come to me for help. The most important job as a parent or even a grandparent is to protect my children and grandchildren.

You were raped; you did not ask to be raped and nothing you could possibly do could cause you to be raped. The fault for this falls all on the two boys. They must be made to pay for their crime. Your friend did nothing when they tried to rape her. If you do nothing they will rape again. I know it will be trying on you to go through the legal process to bring them to justice, but if you show resolve they may want to avoid a trial and the harsher penalties that come with one.

hi u asked about my age and sex(lost 1) i'm 23 and i'm a female. these feelings aren't there all the time but they pop up when i feel stink.i'm afraid cause i don't want to give up, cause when i give up i go crazy and lost and i just don't care about anuthing anymore. i want a better life for myself i had a taste of hope and i really want to keep it..

Thank you for writing back. Your first letter has me really concerned about you.

Sometimes I am not sure which is tougher, being a teenager or young adult. As a teenager we yearn to be 21 and free from our parent’s oversight and able to do as we please. In our med twenties we wish for the security of High School and our parent’s home. We sometimes find that the adult world presents more pressures than we were prepared to handle. Some of us find different outlets for the stress through sports, camping, Church or hobbies. Some of us turn this stress inward and that is where the problem begins.

We begin to feel lost, that the problem is bigger than we are and will never be resolved. Our self worth rockets through the floor and we feel totally helpless. This is the beginning stages of depression. If left untreated we spiral downward to the point we start to believe we have few choices left to us. The depression has taken such tight control that we misinterpret just about everything. No problem is irresolvable or bigger than you are; they just need to be knocked down to size. Once we start managing what it is that is bothering us and resolving some of the problems, we start to feel better about ourselves. Once this starts to happen the sun starts to shine and the birds start to sing and the world is a better place. It does not happen overnight and you cannot do it alone. You need the help of medical professional and therapists. Please call the hotline numbers I included in my last message or go to a hospital emergency room.

Your feelings for your boyfriend; is it the depression talking or is the relationship truly over? As I said in my last answer to you; you need to separate yourself, at least temporarily from this relationship. You need to speak with your boyfriend and tell him everything your feeling. He might already realize something is wrong and not sure what to do for you. Tell him you feel the need to be alone while you get yourself sorted out. If he won’t move out then you have too. As I said before, if that means moving back with your parents so be it. This would also be a good time to tell your parents how you’re felling so the y can help you get well.

17/f

My boyfriend broke up with me and I am having trouble figuring out why. I met Jake when I was lifeguarding a little over a month ago and he hit on me and was like "hey beautiful" and was completely smitten (like really...haha the other guards were teasing him about it) and told the other guards he felt this connection with me, etc. He even asked me to marry him that day. He asked me out and just two weeks later we became boyfriend and girlfriend. He always told me that he could see me being his girlfriend for awhile, would text me everyday, and just was an overall really great boyfriend.

He has had A LOT of girlfriends/hook ups while I have never had a boyfriend before and only kissed two guys before him. We are really different in the sense that I'm really conscious about my grades (i have a 4.0) he barely has a 3.0, he is a "hardcore" kid or whatever and goes to hardcore shows while i'm really "preppy" or whatever. we also go to different schools and live about 20 minutes away from each other.

i brought this up the day he went out, i told him i'm not into drugs and he told me he isn't either anymore, that he used to be a bad kid but he has changed. he told me he still does smoke but only two cigarettes a day, and that i would be his incentive for him to stop. i also brought up the distance and he kept insisting it's not that far away.

everything seemed to be going pretty okay, but we only got to see each other once a week since he is a senior and his parents wanted him to get his gpa up so i could only see him on weekends. what we would basically do is watch a movie/talk/makeout. before we did anything he told me that he liked me a lot and wanted to take things slow. he also told me whenever he was kissing me that i could say "get the fuck off of me jake" and that i didnt even have to kiss him if i didnt want to and that he just liked spending time with me. he would say so many romantic things when we were kissing like "i could do this all day" one day he started to finger me and he asked if it made me uncomfortable and if it did that i could just tell him to stop.

last week i met his sister and best friend. when i asked him what they thought of me he said his sister loved me and that was the very first time his sister had like any of his girlfriends, and he said his best friend said i was "tight". for some weird reason after that day he seemed less interested in me. he didnt text me the day after and when he did text me he was really short with his answers. when i asked if something was wrong he said "no why???" i said "okay nvm" and then he seemed suddenly worried and asked "no. what's up babe?" saturday was our one month and i hung out with him on friday night, he asked me if i wanted to go out to eat and that he wanted to take me out/pay for me but when i got there it didnt seem like he wanted to so i just told him i wasnt that hungry and we just went in his basement and watched a movie/made out. he then asked me since it was like our one month if i wanted to try anything, and i said sure...he could do what he wanted but if it made me uncomfortable i would tell him to stop. he started to go under my shirt/feel my chest and i told him "i'm not ready!" and he seemed disappointed but he stopped. then he unbuttoned my pants and started to finger me on top of my underwear and asked me if i was sure i didn't want him to go under (hes always done it on top of my underwear) and i said i'm sure. then later we were making out and he put my hand on his crotch and i started rubbing it. i asked him if it felt good and he said yeah but just do it a little harder next time. then later he asked me if i wanted him to pull down his pants so i could give him a better handjob but just on top of his boxers so i said okay and i think i did a better job and i told him "i don't know what i'm doing...i havnt done this before" and i asked him if it felt good and he said yeah and i'm pretty sure he was hard too so i could tell.

when we were just cuddling and watching the movie i kept asking him about his sexual experiences and for some reason it seems to have bothered him. i asked him if he remembered his first blowjob...if he has hooked up with a lot of girls...if they were from his school...if they were spontaneous hookups...if it was true that he hooked up with this girl in the guard office closet. before i left he kissed me and i was about to leave and i asked him "you liked everything? like it felt good?" and he was like "yeah! we'll talk about this later though you'll freeze." (it was raining/cold outside)

the next day he broke up with me in a text saying that i didnt seem comfortable with his lifestyle at all...but that i was an amazing girl and that i was gonna make a guy really happy and all of this bs. i was really angry and called him and he kept saying "you didn't seem comfortable about my past...plus we are too far away and only get to see each other once a week (something i reminded him the day he asked me out and he said he didnt care) and said i don't seem comfortable with his drinking (something said i didnt mind unless he drove) and said its hard for him to have a girlfriend because he needs to get his grades up and focus on college. i said i could come over more if he wants and could help him study, etc. but he wasnt even trying to make it work and just seemed set on breaking up with me. i asked if the questions i asked last night had anything to do with him breaking up with me and he said sort of.

so i'm basically asking...why did he break up with me? do guys hate it when girls ask about their past? he was COMPLETELY head over heels for me before...i cannot stress this enough. (his friend/the other gaurds would tell me this and would tell me how cool it was that people could see that we were in a relationship together on facebook) was it possible that his friend didn't like me anymore and was just lying when he said that he thought i was cool? i asked him if there was another girl and he said no...i asked him if he didnt think i was pretty anymore and he kind of scoffed and said that wasn't it at all and that he told me from the start that he thought i was beautiful. was i being too nosy asking all of those questions? or did he break up with me because he thought i gave a bad hand job/thought i was a bad kisser/thought i was too inexperienced? i also asked him if he wanted to be friends with benefits and he said he doesnt do that and kept mentioning "pressure" or something when he was with me...he also says that he felt that we went out so quickly and that he wishes we got to know each other better before we became boyfriend and girlfriend. the breakup seemed random when he seemed into me the night before/we went farther than we have ever gone before. he seemed so set on having a long serious relationship with me. what is the deal?

by the way, saturday he went to a hardcore show or whatever and a girl gave him a blow job im pretty sure. they are talking and im pretty sure going to be hooking up. i feel so hurt that he went from me to this slut.

I think it would be better if you sent this question to one of the other advisers. It has been many a decade since I was a teenage boy. The younger advisers can give you a better answer to what you have written.

Teenage boys have sex on the brain 24/7 and for the most part, at this age look to date any girl that will put out for them (that was the term in my day). When they get older they will be looking for the good girl who will help them achieve the goals they have set for themselves.

My advice is keep the standards you have set for yourself. Any boy/man who is looking to date you for sex alone is not worthy of you. Sex can be an important part of a relationship, but it should not be the foundation of a relationship. A relationship built on sex alone is like building a house on a foundation of sand; eventually the house will crumble as will the relationship. Most importantly do not allow any boy to force you to do anything before you are ready. No one is worth compromising your principals for.

So, for my college essay I was thinking of writing about a point in my life when I basically had to cut all my hair off because it was falling out. I'm a female, and at the time short hairstyles weren't in fashion and we know how society judges people. I am also an African American so the pressure of keeping up to date is even worse in my opinion, compared to any other race. But,my goal isn't to make the person who's reading my essay pity me or whatever. I built my self confidence and learned to deal with the troubles that life sometimes offer and how i over came my obstacles. Do you get how i'm trying to come across? do you think this is a good topic choice? What do you think?

I find that I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you have received and may continue to receive from others.

It is always been said that when writing write about a subject you know something about; this you have, I believe, accomplished with your chosen subject. The hard part is going to be keeping the self-pity out of what you write as you are writing about something that happened to you.

Try writing your Essay in the third person, as someone reporting on what happened to you, this should help you keep the self-pity out of your writing. I would also suggest you emphasize what it took to overcome the obstacles, pear pressure of fashion and how building sell confidence helped overcome these things.

i'm in so much pain i don't know what to do.i just finished an anxiety disorder cause and for the first time in ages i felt like there was help.now i just feel myself going back to my lost self.i don't have any jobs or friends, and i don't have a reason to live.i've just got SO many problems.i just feel like giving up.
i'm sick of feeling this way, and i'm sick of feeling so crazy.i don't know if theres any hope for me.
some times i wonder if i'm a pedophile 2. i would NEVER act on these feelings, but their there all the same.i can't trust myself.
i have a partner i've been with for almost 5 years. i don't want to be with him but i feel trapped.i feel like hitting him soimetimes- he just dosn't get the message I DONT WQANT TO BE WITH HIM the relationships fucking killing me. but i've got noone else.

I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you may have received and may continue to receive from others.

It would be easier to offer some advise if you had given your age and sex. Not having that I will forge ahead with some general advice based on what you written.

Two things you have written concern me the most. First is the statement: “i don't have any jobs or friends, and i don't have a reason to live.” This to me sounds like you are heading down the road to giving up on life and possibly thinking of suicide. There is no reason for this as there is help as close as your telephone for you. There is no problem that cannot be resolved, I know, I’ve been there.

There is a hotline the, National Suicide Prevention Hotline, 1-800-784-2433. This line is answered 24/7 by trained counselors who can help you find people in your hometown to work with you for little or no cost to you. They also have a web site: http://suicidehotlines.com/. If you are still feeling the way you where when you wrote to us I would suggest you call them or go to their website. If you are having suicidal thoughts either go to the nearest hospital emergency room or call 911 immediately. Never be afraid to call 911. As a first responder I can tell you what will happen is they will dispatch the police, Fire, and Ambulance. The reason for the police is for your safety and the safety of the other first responders. Everyone responding to your call for help is coming to help you. No one will force you to do anything or go any place before you are ready and comfortable with what is going on. Your well being is paramount in this instance.

The second is your concern with being a “Pedophile.” Saying you would never act on these feelings depends on how strong these feeling are and how strong these feeling may become. Finding out why you have these feeling may be the means to keeping them in check. There are also medications that will help as well as therapy with a therapist trained in this area.

As for your partner: This situation is adding to your feelings of anxiety and most likely depression. You need to get out of that situation ASAP, even if it means temporarily moving back in to your parent’s home or with a sibling. You also need to call the Suicide Hotline, even if you are not at the moment feeling suicidal. This hotline also helps those who are feeling depressed. Tell them everything you have written to us so that they can best help you find a clinician in your area best suited to help you. You cannot recover without professional help, but you can recover with it.

My mom is 56 years old. She lives with my family, which consists of myself, my husband, and my two young daughters. My mother is diabetic and significantly overweight by at least 40 pounds, does not eat right, and does not exercise at all. Within the last couple of years, I have noticed that my mother is starting to act elderly. She sits in a rocking chair for hours on end, nods off to sleep whenever she feels like it, and has no motivation to do anything else. She has the physical behavior of an 80 year old and my mother is no where near old enough to be acting this way. I know that part of it is related to her lack of health. But I believe part of it is her emotional state. She does not act happy, content, excited about anything...just nothing. She might as well be a blob that sits and watches everyone else live their lives while she watches television. I am starting to feel really resentful about it, because my children see her act this way, and they deserve a grandmother who will play with them, take them for walks, drive them to the park, etc. There is always something wrong with her, like she always has a headache, or feels dizzy, or has an upset stomach, or anything to keep her from doing things with us. I do think that sometimes its real, but I also believe that many times, she uses "ailments" as an excuse to be lazy. When she was working, she often called in sick because she didn't feel good. I am really starting to wonder if my mother is depressed. She has had a tough life, and growing up with her for a mom was extremely difficult, but now I wonder if those instances of difficulty were part of a depression. I have tried to talk to her about this before, and it falls on deaf ears, and she usually gets really defensive, or tries to justify her behavior by some kind of bogus reason. I don't know what else to do from here, but I'm afraid that if my mom does not start living healthy all the way around, she will be living a self-fulfilled prophecy of growing old early and dying before her time.

I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you may have received and may continue to receive from others.

Depression is like Alcoholism in that a person has to admit they ill before they can get better. I know for I have lived with depression for some time and it was an even longer time before I admitted to myself I had a problem. My brother in-law who is a recovering alcoholic and claims AA saved his life tells me that in AA they tell you, you must hit bottom before you admit you have a problem. I believe the same is true with depression. Everyone’s bottom is different. The fact that your mother lashes out at you whenever you have tried to talk to her tells me she is not ready to accept that she suffers from some form of depression.

I would suggest that the best option available, short of kicking her out of your home, is to start by arranging a visit for her with her doctor for a complete physical. This will do two things; it will rule out any physical reasons for the way she is acting and second she may be more inclined to follow her doctor’s advice over yours. Make sure to tell her doctor what you suspect. There are some blood tests that can be run for hormonal imbalances that lead to depression.

Once any physical reason for the way your mother is acting is ruled out and if she refuses to accept her doctor’s advice for therapy and medication, then you have some hard decisions to make. If having your mother in your home is disrupting your marriage, causing you to take time away from caring from your children or in any other way causing disharmony at home, then the alternatives are: placing her in her own apartment, an assisted living center or possibly a nursing home.

I realize none of the choices left to you do not come under the heading of great or even good choices. They may just be the bottom your mother needs to hit to realize she needs to get help. The other side of the coin is she will accept moving to one of the choices and sit there as she does at your home.

The fact is that she is your mother and no matter how much you love her you will not be able to force her to do something she is unwilling or not ready to do. So for now you must lookout for your family first and be supportive of your mother and continue to try and bring her to realize there is a lot more to life than sitting and staring out a window or watching TV.

im a 15 yr old girl and i find my self being really attracted to boys and girls and it really freaks me out when i am around a girl im attracted to because i know im not suppose to fell that way but i do

I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you may have received and may continue to receive from others.

At your present age I would be hesitant to place a label on your sexuality. At this age both boys and girls are still trying to figure out their sexuality. To label yourself as a Lesbian or even bi-curious would not only be wrong but self defeating at this time. To even put this in the category of a phase that most young people go through would not be right either.

There are a number of reasons for sexual attraction to someone of our own sex at this age. First and foremost is the fact it is safer and easier to relieve the sexual tension brought on by the changing hormones your body is producing. Parents think nothing of two children of the same sex being behind closed doors, sleeping together, even in the same bed, particularly females.

I have known women that have been bi all through college, then gone straight heterosexual afterwards. Reason it was easier and sex was more available if you were bi; it was also safer.

My advice: Don’t put a label on your sexuality at this time. Just enjoy learning about who you are sexually. When you are more adult if you still want to put a label on your sexuality then do so, but for now just enjoy being you.

Okay, I want to get on some kind of antidepressants... But I want to do it behind my parents back.

I just don't want to tell my mother because she's going to ask me why I'm depressed, and I don't really know how to tell her. It's mostly because of her and Daddy... And a lot of other, screwed up shit.
But, it's becoming harder and harder to hide my depression, and I really need some help. So, if I can get on them, without my parents knowledge... That'd be fantastic.

I doubt this is possible, but if it is... please tell me how.

I'm so desperate.
15/f/AUSTRALIA

I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you may have received and may continue to receive from others.

Australian laws are somewhat different than the laws here in the U.S. I’m fairly certain that patient confidentiality laws are somewhat equal. You need to speak with your doctor to make certain that what is said between you stay between you.

The one problem I see with not telling your parents about your depression is you site them as the cause of your depression. Without knowing what is happening with your parents or between you and your parents it is hard to offer any advice other than to say: The problem will continue to be a problem until and when all involved in the problem are all knowingly in the loop for correcting the problem. That is to say that whatever the problem is between you and your parent or between your parents, that it could not be put aside in the best interest of getting you well. You did not write that you felt your parents did not love you or you did not love your parents, so whatever the problem is it is not for the lack of loving one another.

As someone who has suffered with depression for some time now I understand the hurt you are feeling. I also know that people suffering with depression do not always interpret everything properly or see things in the proper perspective. We see things through the eyes of our depression therefore we get a distorted view of what we see and hear. Understanding this and adjusting to it is the first and hardest step in recovery. Antidepressants alone do not cure depression. You need to work with a qualified clinician to get at the root cause of the depression. Identify what the triggers are for your depression and learn how to control them.

I went on Yahoo AU and found a number of sites with Australia that you might find helpful in getting the help you need for you depression. Look at all of them, and then contact the group that can offer you the most help. This is a battle that can be won; you have taken the first step which is recognizing you have a problem. Now follow through, contact the people on the Websites’, talk to your family doctor and talk to your parents.
Good Luck.

http://au.reachout.com/find/articles/depression

http://www.pada.org.au/index.htm

http://www.suicideprevention.com.au/

http://www.depression.com.au/index.php?textpg=3

Okay so hi =)
I'm 16/f and I need some sex advice as the topic says.
My boyfriend and I lost our virginity to each other (sort of) last month and I want to do it again BUT the right way this time. You see when we tried to have sex before, it didn't go in all the way. It kind of hurt but for the most part it was an uncomfortable feeling. Probably because I'm not used to a penis being in there I assume. My question is how can I make it more comfortable for us next time and more enjoyable? Any real help would be useful.

I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you may have received and may continue to receive from others.

Before we discuss comfort I would be remiss if I did not address birth control and safe sex. Even though you and your boyfriend are or were virgins it is important that you use condoms. Condoms, when used properly, are a safe and reliable form of birth control as well as preventing transmission of most STD’. By getting in the habit of using condoms now, you will be forming a good habit for the future. Now that you have decided to become sexually active you should talk to your doctor about the best form of oral contraceptive for you. As I said condoms are a good form of birth control but they are not fool proof. If not worn properly they can leak and they have been known to break, so an oral contraceptive is appropriate.

Do I condone 16 year olds having sex? Let’s just say I prefer that if you are going to have sex at age 16 there is nothing as a parent I can do to prevent it. That being said I would prefer you have all the proper information so that you can prevent unwanted pregnancy and disease. If you were my daughter I would want you to come to me and tell me of your decision before hand so that I could make sure you had the proper knowledge and protection and where not be coerced into having sex before you where ready. Would I let you entertain boy sexually in your bedroom? I don’t think I was ever that liberal.

Being a male it is hard for me to say just what you will feel other than what my girl friends and wife have told me; which is the first few times they had sex was very uncomfortable. Now comfort has many definitions in this instance. There is the physical comfort of being penetrated and then there is the material comfort of the time and place of your love making. I doubt either you or your boyfriend have your parents consent to be sexually active; therefore your love making takes place at times and places when the chances of being caught are minimal but still possible. This adds unconscious tension to something that should be very loving and relaxing for both of you and for you the unconscious tightening of muscles, leading to some of the pain you are experiencing. As you grow more comfortable, and you will, you will learn to relax and enjoy yourself.

Suggestions: Find a place where you and your boyfriend are least likely to be discovered while you are having sex. This will remove some of the tension for both of you and allow you to relax and have longer and more enjoyable union. Second until you are more comfortable with being penetrated you should be on top; this is called the cowgirl position, this allows you to control the speed and depth of penetration. Your boyfriend may be resistant to this, ask him to try it as most men find this most enjoyable as it is a very voyeuristic position from which to watch you girlfriend as she please both you and herself. Last consider having a conversation with your mother and or your father about sex, sexual activity and the fact you have become sexually active. Contrary to popular belief we were all young once ourselves and have had the same experiences you are now having.

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