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I am extremely worried about my mother
My mom is 56 years old. She lives with my family, which consists of myself, my husband, and my two young daughters. My mother is diabetic and significantly overweight by at least 40 pounds, does not eat right, and does not exercise at all. Within the last couple of years, I have noticed that my mother is starting to act elderly. She sits in a rocking chair for hours on end, nods off to sleep whenever she feels like it, and has no motivation to do anything else. She has the physical behavior of an 80 year old and my mother is no where near old enough to be acting this way. I know that part of it is related to her lack of health. But I believe part of it is her emotional state. She does not act happy, content, excited about anything...just nothing. She might as well be a blob that sits and watches everyone else live their lives while she watches television. I am starting to feel really resentful about it, because my children see her act this way, and they deserve a grandmother who will play with them, take them for walks, drive them to the park, etc. There is always something wrong with her, like she always has a headache, or feels dizzy, or has an upset stomach, or anything to keep her from doing things with us. I do think that sometimes its real, but I also believe that many times, she uses "ailments" as an excuse to be lazy. When she was working, she often called in sick because she didn't feel good. I am really starting to wonder if my mother is depressed. She has had a tough life, and growing up with her for a mom was extremely difficult, but now I wonder if those instances of difficulty were part of a depression. I have tried to talk to her about this before, and it falls on deaf ears, and she usually gets really defensive, or tries to justify her behavior by some kind of bogus reason. I don't know what else to do from here, but I'm afraid that if my mom does not start living healthy all the way around, she will be living a self-fulfilled prophecy of growing old early and dying before her time.
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EDITED for response: I don't think you quite understand. By your writing style here it shows that you are "resentful" of your mother. You even told us that yourself. That means you're having negative feelings toward your own mother.
"I am starting to feel really resentful about it..."
"Really" resentful, at that. Meaning you were resentful at one point and you are gradually getting more of this feeling as time passes.
Definitions for resentment:
"a feeling of deep and bitter anger and ill-will"
"the experience of a negative emotion (anger or hatred, for instance) felt as a result of a real or imagined wrong done."
"a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury"
"hate, anger"
Some of the synonyms are even things like: grudge, bitterness, outrage, malice, rage, cynicism, etc.
...and you're telling me you like her being around?:
"Furthermore, I never stated that I don't like to be around my mother."
It really doesn't sound like it...
She may have been overweight her entire life but you honestly think she has NEVER tried to do anything about it? Even before you were born? How would you know? Sometimes one try can be what breaks a person and they just "deal with it" for the rest of life. As an overweight person myself, you have absolutely no idea how hard it is to lose weight if you haven't experienced it yourself. Your body doesn't have a chance to grow muscles properly because it doesn't have hardly any muscle to start out with! A walk down the road for half a mile is killer to some overweight people because they are working very small muscles that rarely get worked out in a very large body. This can be mentally devastating to people to the point that they simple give up and give in.
I put absolutely no blame on you other than that she needs support that you are, obviously, not giving her. Yes, I did suggest to put much of the responsibility on you because you actually wanted, or so I thought, to care about your mother and help her to improve. Positive reinforcement works for dogs, children, and even adults--especially adults if they never had it before. If you don't give that to her, nobody else is going to. I did not tell you to take care of her though or that you haven't been taking care of her--I told you that you need to praise her more often for little things so that she can gradually work up to bigger and better things. I didn't say you needed to be responsible for her. I said:
"You have to NEED her. LOVE her. Be PROUD of her. SUPPORT her."
Maybe you don't quite understand what I meant by that. I meant:
NEED to your mother around and appreciate it. LOVE your mother despite her flaws. Be PROUD of the work that she is doing, has done, or will be attempting. SUPPORT her by giving her praise in each and every opportunity so that she can grow into a better, healthier person.
I am getting the feeling that you didn't come here to find help and motivation for your mother. I'm getting the idea that you came here for advice on how to get your mother out of your house and out of your life. If that is incorrect, tell me why my advice was so completely useless to this situation.
Obviously I've stepped on a nerve somewhere. In regards to your, "any other suggestions?" since you, apparently, don't want to believe that positive reinforcement works:
1. Send your mother to a care home. If you don't want her around and she cannot support herself physically or financially then you might as well.
2. Go to therapy. You have deeper problems with the feelings you associate with your mother that you need to work out in a one-on-one setting with a professional.
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First you need to understand your mother's situation. You need to figure out why she does the things she has done and why she is not motivated to change those behaviors. You have to understand her to be able to help her or else you're going to be useless in guiding her in the right direction.
Your mother is overweight and diabetic. That's really not very healthy but once a person becomes overweight it is extremely hard to lose weight. When you hop on the scale after working your butt off for two weeks and only find a 2lb loss it's disappointing. It feels hopeless and like you're wasting your time. You feel like a big, expanding blob. Why should you continue to exercise and eat healthy if it isn't making you noticeably healthy? Why should you give up your favorite chocolate ice cream, cupcakes, and pizza if NOT eating them seems to have the same result?
The answer is that she needed positive reinforcement. It's hard to do this with an adult but it's required in situations like that. You have to say, "WOW! Mom! You have been working SOOO hard! I am proud of you! Keep it up!" or even, "Wow, I see how much more energy you have lately. It's amazing. Maybe I can work out with you sometime, if you don't mind?"
Once you're significantly overweight and your doctor tells you that you're diabetic it seems hopeless, especially if you tried to lose the weight before. It's like seeing your body attacking itself because of your weight issue--that you seem to have no control over no matter how hard to work at changing that. It's scary and can really break a person. This disease caused by them being fat, seemingly, is ruining their lives. They, again, feel helpless when all the doctor can REALLY suggest is to not eat their favorite sweets and to lose weight. Go back to my previous information about the losing weight thing and, again, see how devastating that might feel to a person.
When you get to that point, you don't have motivation to continue living. What you do doesn't seem to affect anything in a good way. When you're daughter isn't even pleased to see you and doesn't encourage you to do better things then you give up. You sit in a rocking chair and sleep all day because you're waiting on your life to end. You'll always be fat because when you diet and exercise it doesn't work. You being so fat caused you to have diabetes. The diabetes is slowly killing you. Why try, right? Why not just give in and wait for it to overcome your body?
Just for note, I am 100% certain your mother has attempted to lose weight before. Most overweight people try at some point and fail. Once a person fails (sometimes it takes once, sometimes it takes 10 times) they are more apt to give up. You may have no noticed your mother "trying" to lose weight because she may have tried in the wrong way or didn't express that interest to you at one point. It did happen though. I'm sure of it.
Even though your mother is only 56, YOU are going to have to help get her motivated in the beginning. She isn't just going to stand up one day and decide differently because of all of the above.
She doesn't feel attractive. Her daughter doesn't seem to like her being around. Her body won't do what it's suppose to do. She's developed something that is destroying her body the way it is.
She needs your support though because she's all alone now. Your children do deserve a good grandmother so give that to them. Start with small things with your mother:
Go shopping with your mom. Walk her around the mall a little more than usual. At the end of the day, make note of that to her, "Mom, I noticed we really had a work-out today walking around. I'm really proud of you for keeping up with me. I know it's exhausting but it's nice to have you around with me. I really appreciate that. Thank you." Even if the walk didn't seem like much to you, it's A LOT to your mother. She isn't use to getting out of the rocking chair let alone walking around a mall or a store. You have to praise her for what she does.
Ask her to walk down the road with you for 10 minutes. Say you're wanting to get out of the house for just 10 minutes and you really want to talk to her. Ask her to PLEASE come with you so you two can talk. Get her outside and take that ONLY 10 minute walk with her and remember to PRAISE HER when she gets back. Reinforce those efforts. Tell her how much you enjoyed the talk and you're glad you two are getting close. Tell her that you two should do these short little walks more often and that you're so proud of her for sticking with you during the walk and not turning back. Say something, again, like, "I know the walk can be really exhausting but it really made me happy, Mom. Thank you for everything."
Volunteer at a local place for an hour a few times a week. Try a homeless shelter, soup kitchen, battered women's and children's home, orphanage, or even an elderly care center. Try that out for a few weeks and then invite your mother one day to tag along with you. Tell her how much you enjoy it and you would LOVE to have your mother come join in for one evening. Show her how much it will mean to you. Again, positive reinforcement! Introduce to, PROUDLY, to everyone you have met there. Make a big deal over her being your mother and that you're excited she's there. At the end of the day, remind her of what great things she accomplished, how happy you were she went along, and how you know it was really tough work but they really needed her that night. Remind her that you are proud.
Slowly, after you find these activities (and more, hopefully) you can begin to do them a little more frequently. Work up to doing a short 10 minute walk once a week. Then after a few weeks, work that up to a 15 minute walk. Once you get to a 20 or 30 minute walk, increase that to twice a week. "Notice" that she seems to have more stamina and how great these walks are helping you too. You explain how you enjoy the talking and fresh air together. Make it into something she WANTS to do.
Then, drop something big on her after awhile. This might be 6 months later. This might be a year later. Whenever this is (and you will know by how she is eager to do these activities with you) then suggest you two join Curves. Curves is for young and older women. It isn't difficult and it's really rather enjoyable. You suggest this after you've "read about it in lots of things." There are 90 year old women who do Curves 3 times a week ;) your mother can do it too after she works up to it with you. It's only a 30 minute session each time you go and you should only go 3 times a week anyway. Once you get to the point that she accepts, you know you've succeeded. Be proud and excited to go with her. I don't care if it's the easiest work-out you've ever done in your life but remember to say, "Wow! What a work-out, Mom! That really takes it out of you. I am so proud of you for doing this with me. I am happy to have you around. We should really do this more often but after we rest--haha!"
Do NOT turn her to diet pills or even just diets. Work on getting her to move before you try ANYTHING more. Once she is at Curves regularly with you then you might say, "I was looking through that Curves book we got a few months back. I've really been trying to tone myself up. I mean, you look so awesome, Mom, and you've been working SO hard. I am proud of you and I want to be strong like you are when I'm your age. I was thinking of taking up one of those diets in the book but I don't want to do it alone. I was hoping that maybe you would try one out with me and see how that goes...you've been SO helpful and I think you would really help me stay motivated..."
Also note, do not just say, "Why don't you take the kids to the park?" or have her tag along at the park and not interact with her while walking around. She isn't going to "get" it. Taking children to a park is probably pretty intense for her body. She doesn't have much muscle built up and so walking short distances is pretty rough on her. If she doesn't have to do it, she isn't going to...because it's scary and embarrassing. Who wants to see an overweight woman huffing around the park alone? Especially when nobody is praising her and giving her motivation? Exactly. She HAS to have someone help her with her activities in a way that she doesn't even realize that they're work.
Yes, you have to change your life to help change your mothers. You have to devote some time to her. You have to change your ways little by little. You have to put her insecurities on you. You have to NEED her. LOVE her. Be PROUD of her. SUPPORT her. She just cannot do this alone now.
If you don't do anything you are just going to watch her wither away and die from what she is doing. She needs somebody to support her and encourage her when she does something good, even if it's just a small thing to you.
I know you'll be able to help her through this and make her into a wonderful grandmother. If you have any more questions please feel free to ask me directly! :)
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Well, the fact of the matter is that you can't help those who don't want to help themselves. You also shouldn't resent her for not living the life you want her to live. Of course, I understand that you only want what's best for her, but she has to want those things for herself.
What is the reasons that she lives with you? Personally, I think I'd be rather depressed and probably even ashamed to have to live with my children.
What you say falls on deaf ears, but have you thought that it may be in the way that you're saying it? Try a different route when talking to her, because it is possible that your resentment is showing in the words you choose, or the tone of your voice.
Seriously. From what you've written, I see your worries and concern, but I also see your disgust and resentment. If I can see it through anonymous words on my computer screen, imagine what she sees living with you. How would you feel about life if you got that vibe off of your kids? You'd probably feel like ten shades of shit. I know I certainly would. So maybe that's some of how she's feeling, too.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to sound like a jerk. I understand you want a better life for her. I'm just saying what I'm getting from what you told me.
I hope she decides to live her life. And not for you, not for your kids, but for HER, because that is the most important.
31/f
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I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you may have received and may continue to receive from others.
Depression is like Alcoholism in that a person has to admit they ill before they can get better. I know for I have lived with depression for some time and it was an even longer time before I admitted to myself I had a problem. My brother in-law who is a recovering alcoholic and claims AA saved his life tells me that in AA they tell you, you must hit bottom before you admit you have a problem. I believe the same is true with depression. Everyone’s bottom is different. The fact that your mother lashes out at you whenever you have tried to talk to her tells me she is not ready to accept that she suffers from some form of depression.
I would suggest that the best option available, short of kicking her out of your home, is to start by arranging a visit for her with her doctor for a complete physical. This will do two things; it will rule out any physical reasons for the way she is acting and second she may be more inclined to follow her doctor’s advice over yours. Make sure to tell her doctor what you suspect. There are some blood tests that can be run for hormonal imbalances that lead to depression.
Once any physical reason for the way your mother is acting is ruled out and if she refuses to accept her doctor’s advice for therapy and medication, then you have some hard decisions to make. If having your mother in your home is disrupting your marriage, causing you to take time away from caring from your children or in any other way causing disharmony at home, then the alternatives are: placing her in her own apartment, an assisted living center or possibly a nursing home.
I realize none of the choices left to you do not come under the heading of great or even good choices. They may just be the bottom your mother needs to hit to realize she needs to get help. The other side of the coin is she will accept moving to one of the choices and sit there as she does at your home.
The fact is that she is your mother and no matter how much you love her you will not be able to force her to do something she is unwilling or not ready to do. So for now you must lookout for your family first and be supportive of your mother and continue to try and bring her to realize there is a lot more to life than sitting and staring out a window or watching TV.
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It sounds like your mother is suffering from depression. I suffered myself for a while and always made excuses for not being active (tired, working to hard, headaches, etc.) but the truth is I just didn't have the will to "live". I finally got help, sought therapy, and it changed my life. Your mother NEEDS to see a professional. She needs help that you can't give her. You're right, you and your children deserve better. And so does she. Start with making an appointment with the family doctor, and go with her and be brutally honest with him/her. If she resists seeking help for this, you may have to put your foot down. If she wants to continue living with you, she needs to get help. You'll have to decide how far you're willing to go to force her to get help. Will you make her find somewhere else to live? Something else? You are her daughter and you have some responsibility to her, but you also have a responsibility to your own family, and if her problems are affecting your kids and marriage negatively, she either needs help, or needs to go live with someone who can spend all their energy on her. But I do believe she can really turn around with therapy and/or medication. But you have to start somewhere, so make her an appointment and insist she keep it. Good luck.
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