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boyfriend broke up with me and I don't know why!
17/f
My boyfriend broke up with me and I am having trouble figuring out why. I met Jake when I was lifeguarding a little over a month ago and he hit on me and was like "hey beautiful" and was completely smitten (like really...haha the other guards were teasing him about it) and told the other guards he felt this connection with me, etc. He even asked me to marry him that day. He asked me out and just two weeks later we became boyfriend and girlfriend. He always told me that he could see me being his girlfriend for awhile, would text me everyday, and just was an overall really great boyfriend.
He has had A LOT of girlfriends/hook ups while I have never had a boyfriend before and only kissed two guys before him. We are really different in the sense that I'm really conscious about my grades (i have a 4.0) he barely has a 3.0, he is a "hardcore" kid or whatever and goes to hardcore shows while i'm really "preppy" or whatever. we also go to different schools and live about 20 minutes away from each other.
i brought this up the day he went out, i told him i'm not into drugs and he told me he isn't either anymore, that he used to be a bad kid but he has changed. he told me he still does smoke but only two cigarettes a day, and that i would be his incentive for him to stop. i also brought up the distance and he kept insisting it's not that far away.
everything seemed to be going pretty okay, but we only got to see each other once a week since he is a senior and his parents wanted him to get his gpa up so i could only see him on weekends. what we would basically do is watch a movie/talk/makeout. before we did anything he told me that he liked me a lot and wanted to take things slow. he also told me whenever he was kissing me that i could say "get the fuck off of me jake" and that i didnt even have to kiss him if i didnt want to and that he just liked spending time with me. he would say so many romantic things when we were kissing like "i could do this all day" one day he started to finger me and he asked if it made me uncomfortable and if it did that i could just tell him to stop.
last week i met his sister and best friend. when i asked him what they thought of me he said his sister loved me and that was the very first time his sister had like any of his girlfriends, and he said his best friend said i was "tight". for some weird reason after that day he seemed less interested in me. he didnt text me the day after and when he did text me he was really short with his answers. when i asked if something was wrong he said "no why???" i said "okay nvm" and then he seemed suddenly worried and asked "no. what's up babe?" saturday was our one month and i hung out with him on friday night, he asked me if i wanted to go out to eat and that he wanted to take me out/pay for me but when i got there it didnt seem like he wanted to so i just told him i wasnt that hungry and we just went in his basement and watched a movie/made out. he then asked me since it was like our one month if i wanted to try anything, and i said sure...he could do what he wanted but if it made me uncomfortable i would tell him to stop. he started to go under my shirt/feel my chest and i told him "i'm not ready!" and he seemed disappointed but he stopped. then he unbuttoned my pants and started to finger me on top of my underwear and asked me if i was sure i didn't want him to go under (hes always done it on top of my underwear) and i said i'm sure. then later we were making out and he put my hand on his crotch and i started rubbing it. i asked him if it felt good and he said yeah but just do it a little harder next time. then later he asked me if i wanted him to pull down his pants so i could give him a better handjob but just on top of his boxers so i said okay and i think i did a better job and i told him "i don't know what i'm doing...i havnt done this before" and i asked him if it felt good and he said yeah and i'm pretty sure he was hard too so i could tell.
when we were just cuddling and watching the movie i kept asking him about his sexual experiences and for some reason it seems to have bothered him. i asked him if he remembered his first blowjob...if he has hooked up with a lot of girls...if they were from his school...if they were spontaneous hookups...if it was true that he hooked up with this girl in the guard office closet. before i left he kissed me and i was about to leave and i asked him "you liked everything? like it felt good?" and he was like "yeah! we'll talk about this later though you'll freeze." (it was raining/cold outside)
the next day he broke up with me in a text saying that i didnt seem comfortable with his lifestyle at all...but that i was an amazing girl and that i was gonna make a guy really happy and all of this bs. i was really angry and called him and he kept saying "you didn't seem comfortable about my past...plus we are too far away and only get to see each other once a week (something i reminded him the day he asked me out and he said he didnt care) and said i don't seem comfortable with his drinking (something said i didnt mind unless he drove) and said its hard for him to have a girlfriend because he needs to get his grades up and focus on college. i said i could come over more if he wants and could help him study, etc. but he wasnt even trying to make it work and just seemed set on breaking up with me. i asked if the questions i asked last night had anything to do with him breaking up with me and he said sort of.
so i'm basically asking...why did he break up with me? do guys hate it when girls ask about their past? he was COMPLETELY head over heels for me before...i cannot stress this enough. (his friend/the other gaurds would tell me this and would tell me how cool it was that people could see that we were in a relationship together on facebook) was it possible that his friend didn't like me anymore and was just lying when he said that he thought i was cool? i asked him if there was another girl and he said no...i asked him if he didnt think i was pretty anymore and he kind of scoffed and said that wasn't it at all and that he told me from the start that he thought i was beautiful. was i being too nosy asking all of those questions? or did he break up with me because he thought i gave a bad hand job/thought i was a bad kisser/thought i was too inexperienced? i also asked him if he wanted to be friends with benefits and he said he doesnt do that and kept mentioning "pressure" or something when he was with me...he also says that he felt that we went out so quickly and that he wishes we got to know each other better before we became boyfriend and girlfriend. the breakup seemed random when he seemed into me the night before/we went farther than we have ever gone before. he seemed so set on having a long serious relationship with me. what is the deal?
by the way, saturday he went to a hardcore show or whatever and a girl gave him a blow job im pretty sure. they are talking and im pretty sure going to be hooking up. i feel so hurt that he went from me to this slut.
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from the looks of what you mentioned it sounds like he respects you alot, to the fact where he feels bad and like he's pressuring you to do stuff that he does and is used to doing on a regular basis. guys don't necesarily mind talking to their girlfriend about their past, in fact its good that you can both have good communication with each other. i think the fact that scared him off was that you guys are complete opposites when it comes to the sexual things, you being inexperienced and him being..well, experienced. he probably did like you alot, but at least give it to him that he has enough brains to call off the relationshup before he started pushing sex on you. i say you just let him be for awhile. if he's cool with staying friends, that would be the best thing to do right now. he's a senior so he will grow up soon and realize that being in a relationship with someone you actually care about is way better then just hooking up with a different slut every weekend.
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As much as you may think theres something wrong with you....There isnt! The problem about guys is that they will say and do prety much about anything to get you very comfortable fast to get sex...now not all but the great majority will and especially if they have already had sex they become addicted but not do they get addicted to sex but so do the women. This may not mean to you anything but im Proud of you for thinking and going slow you although may not want to beleive it saved yourself from a HUGE heartache and from making a mistake of giving him sex. You did nothing wrong by letting him know you are not ready. This goes for both men and women..its bad when people just see sex and nothing else....sex does that to people who have never taken the time to really see what love is about they think that sex is love and sex is not love its part of love but it cannot always include sex. I honestly think he was just trying to get between your legs and got turned off by the fact that you were not going to give it to him just like that and THATS a very good thing you did. You have the right to know his sexual past ...many will disagree with me but i really do not care... my opinion is its your body and if you do not know hes past and are aware and accept full responsibility for any and all consequences of having sex with him. Now imagine what if he has an infection or STD and you didnt know or he wont tell you his past then it wouldnt be fair to you for him to withhold that info. Now if you choose to have sex with him after knowing that he has had a lot of sex and youll just be another than ..hey i respect that you decided and no one else. I think he was a jerk for breaking up with you the way he did he should have been a man and told you the truth. My advice is if you do decide to date again next time take it a little more slow. get to know the person and find out with time their past. I dont blame you for asking so many questions so early in the relationship after all he was trying to get some (sex) from you also early in the relationship. heres a tip sex should never be rushed into when you buy a house or a car or even choose what career you want you think thoughly right? if any guy sweet talks you the good ol rule of thumb is " if hes sweet talking you then hes sweet talking to other girls" then its your resposibillity to make sure this guy doesnt pull a fast one on you. And it wasnt that he had sex more than you it was the fact that you sort of questioned his sexual goal with you. as soon as he knew that your not in it for a "booty Call" he just said forget it and went on looking for easier prey. thats why im glad you didnt fall.. now yes itll hurt and theres nothign wrong with it hurting you .you are a serious relationship girl and beleive me MANY GUYS are out there wishing for an opportunity to love. youll have sex either now or later just have sex after youve really thought about it, no ones pressuring you, no ones trying to get sex from you, and #1 respects you your feeling and your body. In my opinion that guy came in to strong on you and thats a shame on him. You continue in taking care of yourself and understanding that you really wanted a special someone and he screwed up but not everyone will be like him BUT THERE ARE ALOT OF GUYS LIKE HIM so always on guard you have nothignto prove to them by doing the "love test" which is just another way of downgrading women. I would not chase him id let him go to hell. You continue to focus on yourself and your career goals that in my opinion expresses you as a very intellegent,respectable,brave,caring,devoted,responsible and sexy girl you are....and im saying this without even knowing you. Be happy you deserve someone better than that bum/jerk
I hope this helps. if it doesnt please let me know before low grading me. Thanks
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He broke up with you because he doesn't know what he wants. He thought he could be happy in a serious relationship with a great person; but it didn't last like he thought it would.
And all that stuff about him needing to focus on college, get his grades up, you being too far away from him, and all that other stuff was a lie. Hopefully you figured that out when he went to that party and got a bj from that girl.
"i asked if the questions i asked last night had anything to do with him breaking up with me and he said sort of"
First of all you shouldn't have felt like you didn't have the right to know about his past. I don't see how you didn't ask him about it before even getting into a relationship with him.
People break up when they aren't happy or when the spark starts to fade. Some guys would rather have sex with random girls then have a serious relationship. It makes things simple, feelings aren't hurt, and there's no attachments. When you brought up his past which was a bunch of sex partners and failing relationships; he found what he really wanted. And when you said "i also asked him if he wanted to be friends with benefits and he said he doesn't do that". Having a friend with benefits; well a ex girlfriend with benefits is not going to work. You and him will still have feelings for each other but he will be with other girls which will hurt you. And he doesn't want to deal with that.
You were happy in a serious relationship with a guy pretending to be someone he wasn't. He didn't put much pressure on going further with you, but acted as if you didn't it wouldn't have meant an end to the relationship. If he had said yes to being friends with benefits i know for a fact you wouldn't have been happy. So do what makes you happy, go find a great guy that you can have a serious relationship with.
If you have any questions or updates feel free to send me another question or put them in the feedback
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interesting. He could have gotten rid of you for a million reasons. all of the ones you gave are definitely in the top 20. now try remembering, who brought up the whole "past" issue? if it was you, then the chances of it being that are pretty good, because dudes don't say "I don't want to talk about it" very often. hell, I've gone into excruciating detail about picking up dead kid parts after a suicide bombing when one of my friends asked about the war....she didn't like that too much. anywho... to another point: his womenfolk were either very pleased with you, or they hated you. depending on his relationship with them, either could be good or bad, ie: he hates his sister, and she approves of you(thats a NO-GO for this station). The sexual thing, I wouldn't put that on the top of the list, especially judging by his past behavior. Now as far as this different "clique" shit goes, shit like that matters in high school, but "hot girlfriend" trumps that card.
Mira("look" sounds so much cooler in spanish)-
searching for flaws in yourself solves nothing. maybe he just saw that it wasn't going to work out. point being, take it as a learning experience, not everybody can make shit over long distances work. look at me, my girlfriend married a dude while I was over in afghanistan. so fuck it, his loss, time to go back out and find some other dude.
have fun.
-Gunner
whoa, hold on a sec. you can ask, its just that theres a fine line between being curious, making small talk, and being just plain nosy. take into consideration your environment, and the conversation. you don't want to go from talking about sports to talking about a person's sex life...thats kind of drastic. plus, your reaction to whatever he says is telling him whether you approve of such behavior. even if you try to mask an "iewwwww" facial expression, enough will still show that he can see you're not into "BDSM" or whatever.
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thanks for the inbox. n im so sorry about all that, n iv actually ben in the same situation except he lived over two hours away. the best thing to do is try and get over him. some guys are like that where they just want to go far, they cover it up by being sweet and going slow right away. but you guys should have got to know eachother and held off a bit. he is a player which also proves why he was so uncomfortable about talking about his past, boyfriends should be totally open about what they have done. he probly just broke up because he is used to getting more, and since you two are very oppasite. when he says the pressure it might mean that he misses smoking? sexual stuff? he was trying to be nice tho he did somewhat the right thing. you can find someone so much better that is perfect for you. especially him moving on so fast? thats bad. and im sorry im really out of it right now i will add more later is you need? i hope i helped!
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I think it would be better if you sent this question to one of the other advisers. It has been many a decade since I was a teenage boy. The younger advisers can give you a better answer to what you have written.
Teenage boys have sex on the brain 24/7 and for the most part, at this age look to date any girl that will put out for them (that was the term in my day). When they get older they will be looking for the good girl who will help them achieve the goals they have set for themselves.
My advice is keep the standards you have set for yourself. Any boy/man who is looking to date you for sex alone is not worthy of you. Sex can be an important part of a relationship, but it should not be the foundation of a relationship. A relationship built on sex alone is like building a house on a foundation of sand; eventually the house will crumble as will the relationship. Most importantly do not allow any boy to force you to do anything before you are ready. No one is worth compromising your principals for.
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He's too immature to be in a relationship.
The idea that you might actually have some shit figured out in your own life, and were willing to express that, and interested in his opinions, scarred the shit out of him. He either doesn’t have any opinions to share with you on what is an okay way to live and what isn’t, or he didn’t know how to stand up for his opinions.
He threw it back on you, and said ‘You weren’t comfortable.’ because that is much easier then saying 'I rather not think about why I do the things I do.'
Once you start getting physical with someone, it’s time to start asking that someone gently about their experience and opinions. You were right to do that.
You can think about your own behaviour if you want, look over it and decide if you could have done anything better or differently, but in the end, don’t beat yourself up over anything (and it wasn't that you bad at the sex stuff, I guarantee you it's wasn't that).
Also take this away from this experience: A guy who asks you to marry him the first day you meet him, even as a joke, isn’t cute, he’s just confused. A guy who falls head over heels in a week, can often fall away just as fast.
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