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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

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if your having anal sex and the penis accidently slides by the tip of the vagina , can i get pregnant , ( guy hasn't cum yet ? help please , im supposed to get my period today

You already got your answer that yes you can possibly get pregnant. Another thing that is more likely, is that you could get a bladder infection.
Even though the penis may look clean, there can be liquid from the anus that carries some residue of waste that can't be seen by the eye but can easily travel up the urethra which is right there in the same area.
One thing you can do is make sure to pee right after sex. Use a warm wet wash cloth to wipe down the labia from the front to the back. And one more thing if you're really worried, just drink cranberry juice for the next day. When females have a bladder infection, cranberry juice will cure it if taken all day for about 3 days time. So it doesnt hurt to drink as a precaution.

15/f almost 16 I cant see myself waiting another year or so to lose my virginity and I don't even have a boyfriend soon on one hand I thought that would be kind of silly to take bc everyday for something that might just happen once or now and then, but then again im like paranoid of getting pregnant and I know they can help with cramps,mood,and breakouts which is good. I have asked my mom if I could and shes just like no you don't need it its not good for you. she hates prescription drugs and just thinks they are bad overall and she is really stubborn. and we don't have a lot of money so she needs to know that its necessary because in the past I said I wanted it for my horrible cramps and she said no. im very open and mature with her so I don't know if I should just lie and say im already having sex or im going to soon becasuse I don't really see any other way becasuse she doesn't understand and thinks im too young when im very mature and responsible that's why im trying to sit down and talk to her about getting me on bc. so how can I convince her to get me on it? also do not tell me that I can ask my gynecologist for pills im not doing that and im not going to planned parenthood either im broke and have no way of getting there.i don't want to go behind her back we already have trust issues

Well, sounds like you're at a stale-mate.
I would have to agree with mom that for the majority of women, hormonal birth control is not good and they have many side effects that they can't live with. The only non hormonal one that there is which I used myself, is the copper IUD, its called the Paragard. You can look it up on line.

While it is more costly, having to pay a one time lump sum for it, the IUD is good for 10-12 years. When you consider the monthly cost of pills, patches, or the shots every 2-3 months, the total cost of those over a ten year period is way more expensive than the IUD.

I understand your reason for wanting to be ready just in case. But unfortunately, hormonal birth control doesnt work that way. If today is Wed. and a boyfriend says my parents will be gone all night Fri. so come over and we'll have sex...you can't take a pill at that stage and be ready and safe by Fri cus the pill needs to be taken for about a week before it has built up enough in your system to be effective, so you wont be able to go with the mood of the moment there.
So read up on the Paragard and if you decide that is what you'd like, start making calls and ask your dr. and ask Planned parenthood how much it costs. Planned parent hood may have some plans for lower cost. Or at the very least, you can try to find a way to earn some money to set aside for it and mom too until you have enough for it.
Alot of trouble for maybe only once or twice in one year that you might have sex? Once you become sexually active, you are likely to have it more than once or twice. So for starters, the only other thing is have him use condoms but if you think some pre cum got on your hands or his when you or he touched his penis first and then fingered you, then use the morning after pill if you can get it in your state at your age. Otherwise, mom would have to buy it. But it must be taken within 72 hours of having sex so you'd have to tell her right away. That might be enough incentive to make it a priority to get you on the IUD. She just may not know about it. So her objections of it being bad for health isn't going to hold up there. While they list some side effects, of all the women I know who used the IUD, they never had any of those side effects but they have to list it for the one out of thousands who might. Whatever you do, dont go for the Mirena, IUD, that used hormones in it.
I wish you the best working this out with mom.

OK this just a huge mess and I need help ASAP!!! So i went to this fundraiser for a school group. (BTW I'm a freshman) and I have been talking to this guy a lot over summer (I met him and the guy I'm about to mention in a bit a year ago. They are both Juniors) So i was surprised the second guy was there (I'll call him 'Z' and the first guy 'J' for random so you don't get confused.) and that 'J' was there. So this other guy 'E' and I where walking around doing a raffle when J walked up to me and hugged me. But 'E' in a mean way told him he wasn't needed, J left but i saw him later. E told me that he told J to leave because he was a jerk to him (J isn't a jerk at all) There was one thing i was confused about (at another fundraiser two weeks before this We were doing the raffle and a friend of mine from another high school joined us and 'E' didn't complain at all!! But didn't want J with us... Btw 'E' is a Senior). So 'J' and I sat down so he could show me a video and he sat RIGHT next to me, so there was NO space between us. Then we started talking (this was before the video) he just took my hand and held it (he is a shy guy so this was surprising. Also I kind of like J but I feel like he's too old for me sometimes)and he leaned very close to me. I got up with him to go help and mid-walk he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and hugged me closer. He kind of followed me around but it didn't annoy me. And when we where helping i was leaning against the counter and he wrapped his arm around my arm. Our leader shot me a "What's going on with you two" look including mouthing the words. Later i was talking to 'Z's older brother about the activity I'm in and that i got hurt and 'J' who was behind me wrapped his arms around me from behind and held me close again. Sometime in the night he hugged me and kissed my head! He held my hand twice. 'Z' is a little hard to read so i asked him straight out if he and I are friends he said yes to my surprise. I want to get to know him better:) A thing i noticed was that 'E' was a little.. mean/hostile to 'J' tonight and they are friends... like he was being mean in front of me to 'J' but before 'J' had to leave (he left before me) he hugged me again and said thanks for a being a good friend to him (he's not the most popular guy)so... What the heck?? SO THIS IS WHAT I NEED HELP/ADVICE ON!: 1) How do i become better friends with 'Z' i will see him a lot (I will see all of the guys a lot) And I want to be friends with him. (I kind of like him A LITTLE) 2)I'm not sure what to do about 'J' i kind of like him but i feel weird about it I'm very confused... and 3) What the heck is wrong with 'E' he's usually nice... MY GUY FRIENDS ARE SO CONFUSING I NEED HELP!! Thank you!!

Hahaha, a classic case of the alpha male syndrome.
LIke with dogs, wolves, etc... even between members of the same pack, or in the case of this group of guys who are friends, there will be fights for the supremacy of one. I had a chat with a son in law yesterday and he was telling me how often he senses other guys feel intimidated by him. He's a short tiny guy who looks like a freckled Hobbit, doesnt look threatening at all. LOL. What he told me made sense. He said it was the male who want to be the alpha male are confused and don't know how to react to him when he has no need or desire to naturally act like an alpha male. So instead of either fighting the other male, or backing off and listening to and obeying and following the other, he does neither thing. And that threatens the alpha type of guy because he doesn't know how to react to it, another male whom he cannot control or fight.
Sounds like J is like my son in law...not bothered by friends who want to be alpha males, he personally has no desire and since E can not either fight him or control him, he get unnerved and irritated with J. I am going to figure that since Z is hard to read that he may be a private person and so not up to battling E for being top dog. So he does the usual choice to follow E as the pack leader, the top dog and so there's not much trouble between the two.
Friendships with and dating the opposite sex is all supposed to be a learning experience...we all start somewhere and the more different types of guys and relationships and experiences we go through, the broader base of comparison we get to figure out what we like and don't like in a guy--you know, personal tastes in personality and such, but then we also learn what is healthy loving behavior and what is harmful controlling behavior from a guy towards you.
So you don't have to be friends with or date just one of them. You can date one at a time, break up with one to move on to the next which sounds awful to me if theres nothing wrong with the first guy and you are just dating the second one because you like him enough too. For all you know, all 3 may be interested in you as more than a friend.
You stated that these 3 guys were all your male friends. You did not state that all three were buddies who always hang out together.
You might try this is you are comfortable with it, once you know which ones are interested in you that way...J is very obvious about it, Z is subtle about it, you just have to discover where E stands so you don;t hurt his feelings in case all of em are close buddies. I would tell them that since you like all of them equally for their own unique personalities, you refuse to choose between them for friendship or dating. You might share that at this stage you are more interested in learning about guys than finding your long term relationship is that is true for you. It really should be at your age. Tell them that you don't want any to feel rejected so that you can officially say you are dating one and the others are left out, only to later have to play the game of dumping the first to date the next when you dont want to dump anyone and hurt any feelings. So if they can be secure enough to at least all be your friend and flirt and hold your hand or put an arm around you...you will welcome that from both or all 3, whatever the case in their interest level may be. You refuse to date only one..so it's all or none. Only guys who are really close may be able to do this depending on their temperament. An alpha male is likely not going to like it. But Z and J don't sound like that, I can see them both going out to movies together with you if as i said they are open to the concept of a group of friends who are very close and get to learn alot about the opposite sex and have fun and flirt while doing so. Once you are out of high school you may want to choose just one guy to be going with and learn about a deeper relationship from what you learned from group friendship with males. Hope this helps.

OK So we had this basics for Marching thing for the Band and Guard. It was specifically for the Incoming Freshmen (I am a Freshman; 14/f) BTW I;m in the guard. I am a Second year vet (I have been in the Guard/Band for a full year and it's my second year) and I know how to march but Guard was required to come. Well I sort of ran into this guy there (at the high school) He's in my grade and in the band. He seems really cool and I'd like to become good friends with him. I have band camp in two days so I need advice on how to become friends with him. Thank you!

A person can't force another person to become friends with them, it just naturally happens when they talkin to each other and find they have some things in common or like each others sense of humor or personality. So the only thing really needed is to talk a lot to the person.

So the real question is, what does a girl say to a guy in conversation? Well, what are some things you talk to girl friends about...other than makeup and cute clothing and guys? Haha Those topics probably wouldnt work with a guy. But you are in "Band" so a safe subject to start convo is how and why he choose the instrument he plays, what type of music, and what singers and bands does he like. Once that is all discussed, then "What are some of your other favorite things? Like whats your favorite type of foods? What kind of movies did you like, any particular actor /actresses you like? Then using music, do you think you will have a career in music someday or do you have some other vocation in mind. And that would lead to talk of college. If he gives answers but does not elaborate much with stories of examples, like "Well I always wanted to play the sax cus I have a grandpa who could and he would show off for me when i was little and i thought it was so awesome." When someone gives you a mini story like that. You now have something to base what you say next upon. Either you bring up a favorite story about your grandpa or grandparents, or tell him about something that you found so awesome and impressive when you were little. You dont have to fire question after question at him unless its like pulling teeth to get him to talk. While some are shy to start off, most will warm up slowly to the person so eventually they are having normal conversation. If on the otherhand, he is the loner type and doesnt like to talk at all, you'll not get anywhere with him. Although people like that just wouldn't end up in band to begin with. So enjoy your conversation and hopefully he'll respond well enough so you can be truthful and say, I have enjoyed talking to you, I'd like to do that more and get to know you better. And thats a good time to trade phone numbers. Good luck dear.

What should I do?
My mom took my phone while I pretended to sleep and when she gave it back I quickly checked all the recent "view history" and she friggin read all my texts and emails. This bitch pisses me off and I hate how she has to snoop around and read my personal things; where the hell is the privacy these days...

The honest truth of the matter is that as long as you are under age, and the parents are still responsible for guiding your behavior, a parent has a right to have good open communication with their teen, and a teen willingly sharing information, and following their guidelines. If you react in person to her as you did in text her, then I can see where she would lose trust in you.
However, I would say the only thing she did wrong if you are not being cooperative, is to sneak around to look at your cell messages. What she should have done is ask you to hand over the phone and in front of you tell you that since she is not satisfied with your non communication with her, she will now proceed to read your texts and messages in an attempt to get a grip on whatever part of your life you are keeping secret.
Parents may have a good idea on proper behavior for a teen, and others may be unreasonable and unrealistic. If that is your case, may I suggest you get a job, buy your own phone and pay your own phone bill...its a good learning part to personal independance while still living at home and is not going to hurt you at all.
That way, you can and will have the right to lock out your phone because it is your personal property you bought with your own money.
I know it may sound like I am too suspicious of you. But I raised 3 daughters. I knew all of their friends who would come over often, they were like adopted daughters to me and I have them even today as facebook friends. If they wanted to hang out at the mall, I dropped them off, they were at the meeting place when it was time to pick them up. When anyone got picked on, bullied, or teased or hated a teacher, etc...I would ask how theyre day was and they would share their fears, torments and highlights. So I was able to hug and love them and see what I could give on advice on how to deal with a kid that picked on her. I remember on one occasion in grade school actually walking with my daughter and the kid in question home so I could meeet his mom. I let her know that both my daughter and her son were being unkind to each other, and it was bothering the daughter enough to complain every day about it. She was a great neighbor, her and I became friends. As the kids observed us getting along, they began to play and become friends. Later at school they were getting teased now by others saying that they were boyfriend and girlfriend. LOL The thing I am trying to share is that there was open communication established at a young age..I made the time to be there. I went to the daughters and asked how they were doing, didnt wait for them to come to me cus kids usually wont at first. I don't know if your mom did that for you. If she never did, its not too late but you're older now and will have to take some responsibility for teaching mom how to go about it if she happens to be clueless. In a few cases, sometimes the child has more smarts in life than the parent. But they arand given an ultimatum that you begin to be open and share things with her that are easily verified in person by her so she can build trust again, or she still the parent so treat them respectfully.
In my case, I brought up dating in high school and told the daughters that no matter what age they were, if there was a guy interested in them, to have him come hang out with her at our house. No guy ever took up our offer. They were allowed to have sex while in their teen and under age. I just told them to come to me if that was the case and we'd go get birth control... Not any of the 3 ever dated or had sex while in high school..
These may be things that mom is concerned about. She may be backwards and not hip or up to date and really the hippa law protects young girls so their parents don't have to know anything they may be doing concerning their reproductive system.
As a result, as adults, if a daughter still has an issue come up like one being dumped by boyfrined and cant stop being depressed, she called to ask for advice how to get over it. I told her. She went instead to a counselor who told her the exact same things so she came back and told me that I really do know what i am talking about.
Hon, I would hope that whatever happened to cause a rift between you and mom could be repaired.
You will find days ahead in your life as an adult where even though the decision is ultimately yours to make, you will find it helpful to use someone who knows you well, as a sounding board, to give you insight and tips that you may not yet have considered so that when you finally do make your decision, its from a stand point of being fully informed so you will have no regrets later.

first step is both you and mom needing to come out and open with each other and then asking for and giving forgiveness where needed. If you have more to share to clarify whats going on here, like maybe mom has a history of mental illness and needs to see a dr... well you know... just go to my column and write to me at my message box.

Me and my friend are bisexual I like her but don't know if she likes me as well. She's with someone else and we are all great friends. i haven't told anyone apart from 2 people Im bi not even my family. I'm scared if i tell her it will ruin our friendship what do I do????? Please give me some advice!!!!!!

If she's in a relationship already with another girl, then you know she has no problem with being open about being bi. If you tell her something she doesn't know, like the fact that you are bi too, then you at least know she won't react like Ewwww, as some narrow minded folk might do.
You know she likes you as a friend. I dont know if its different at your age but I have had occasion to go places where lots of bi people hang out, I am not that myself. It was interesting to find out that any new woman coming into the place were only approached by a female if they were bi. The women had a natural instinct to know who was bi. My neighbor girl friend who was bi went with me to a place and some girl she didnt know walked right up to her and kissed her. I was astounded. They didn't even look twice at me when i was right with her. So there is a good chance that she may have wondered and already guessed at it though she hasn't asked.
You have to realize that just like with guys, the attraction has to run both ways for anything to come of it. If she doesnt feel the same about you, she'll likely want to just remain platonic friends and not go over into the lovers side of it. However, since she is already with another girl who is bi and dating her, I would assume the same goes again as it does with guys. If a guy is dating a girl and you make moves towards him, you'll make the other girl angry at you. The object of your desire may also get pissed at you for upsetting their girl.
So...long story short, you can tell her you are bi. But refrain from telling her that you have any interest in her that way until she has stopped dating the other girl on her own.
The only exception would be if all 3 of you felt more polyamorous, meaning able to have more than one lover, a triad..all three know of the other partner for each and is ok with it whether two pair off at a time or all three get together for a threesome. But with women at younger ages still battling the emotions that come with the inrush of hormonees, thats easier said than done. Likely there'd be many moments of jealousy and comparing, and frustration, so not a good way to go. Hope this helps a bit

There is this guy I like, we have history together. But never went out. We haven't talked in a while and we started to. Ive been scared to attempt any relationships, so I seem to have pushed him away. But I have always cared for him, and he is special to me. I relized that I dont want to lose him. But he doesn’t speak to me at all. And I have apologized. What should I do?

I must be missing something here. You have apologized? But for what? Is there something you have said or done that he has taken the stance of choosing to not forgive on?
If thats so, you've done your part, now forgive yourself and move on. People who hold grudges and can't or won't forgive, are not healthy individuals to be in friendship with let alone in a relationship with.
I do know not what you mean by having history together. I would interpret it to mean you've attend same high-school or college, or worked at same company or belonged to same club, so thats how you know about him. When some say we have history, it means they were in a relationship together but broke up, and yet when others say it, the history they are talking about is constantly fighting with the individual whether friend or in a relationship with.

I don't think there is a way to force anyone to speak to someone they are against speaking to. So if he doesnt answer texts or calls or doesnt even respond to Hi how are you face to face, there isn't anything you can do.
You have a care or crush on someone that for all I know you don't even really know much of anything about. What you may be attracted to on the outside may not translate into the perfect match or partner for you. Maybe he's a precious guy. But you didn't say you know him well so all I can advise is to avoid getting your mind so wrapped up in this one person.
Focus on yourself and trying to learn what your fears and issues are with getting close to a person of the opposite sex? If its mostly just not understanding guys and afraid you'll mess up, then read some books on how to relate to the opposite sex. Those are very helpful things to study. If you have trouble with shyness in general, again study how to overcome that, if it is a fear of sexual intimacy in future if it goes that way, you need to learn to become comfortable with yourself first. Theres lots on line and in books to help you discover that all on your own first and enjoy it. Then later it wont be so scary to add a man into the mix. If I still got all my guesses wrong, then hon...you're just going to have to spell it out better for me. You can write specifically to me by going to my column and writing to my inbox.

My bf & I have been together for 11 months. He has quite a temper on him & Sometimes gets really angry & calls me names. It's wrong but because I'm scared of his temper, I sometimes hide things from him or not tell the truth. Usually about small things to spare his feelings (like if he got invited to a party or not)

I've tried telling him about this before but he just doesn't seem to understand that he's part of the problem. I've tried not lying/hiding but he just gets so mad when I tell the truth. Now he won't forgive me & will only do so if I post a status on facebook callingg myself a liar. Is this still love? Is this still worth it? I forgive him for all the awful things he's said to me/called me,.why cn't he forgive me

I was married to a verbally abusive person who had many anger outbursts too. It's a no win situation. Trust me on this.
No person deserves to be treated this way. For you to feel you have to walk on eggshells around him means you are having to curb who you are. You are not free to say and speak whatever you want. And no matter what you say or do, it will never be good enough to make him happy or make him change.
The problem is inside of him so external influences from other persons is not going to help him.

You want to know if this is love? No it is not. Persons who live and act this way do not know what love is. Whether it stems from experiences in his childhood or undiagnosed mental illness, (that was my ex's problem and it got worse over the years) your boyfriend is not treating you as the average good person would treat a friend, a human, let alone a supposed crush, sweetheart or lover. That is not normal behavior. Most people rarely change for the better in their life time. Just think how hard it is for people to quit a bad habit like drinking or smoking, or how to go for a new and better job,, the unknown and the future is scary for people. And those with issues like your supposed friend, are afraid too only their fear which they wont admit to having, is based on not wanting to find what is hidden deep inside them, not wanting to face whatever painful events may have caused them to be that way or they are afraid to find out if they have some chemical imbalance and have a mental illness that can be treated with medication and counseling. I know that was the exs case. We didn't get him in for counseling until the end of the marriage. It didn't help him cus he pretended to go along with the counselor. But I hear from my daughters who visit him on occasion that he hasn't changed...if anything, he's gotten worse so that they have to limit their time there to really short, maybe 1/2 hoour. Their boyfriends don't like him or how he treats his daughters, my new husband has met him and also sees that he has major issues where no normal person can be around him or it will make them emotionally or physically ill. Just talked to one of the daughters boyfriends yesterday who said, after the last visit, he was so upset by the dads actions towards daughter that he went home and threw up.
You don't need to get forgiveness from this guy. He doesnt even know what it really is. Since you are writing asking for advice, I think you already have the gut feeling, and your inner voice telling you something is not right here. And you would be correct. He may say he loves you but is totally incapable of really realizing what that is like. When my friends were protecting me from him and asked the ex if he was in love with me, he wouldnt answer. his response was to throw the blame at me as he did with anyone else in his life. SHe's got all sorts of problems etc etc. The friend used to be a counselor and kept at him asking if he was in love with me. He then said, well I love her for being the mother of my daughters but no I am not in love with her, never was.
I don't want you to have to go through the same amount of time and pain and stress on your body to find out in the end that it was a waste of time.A lesser strong person would have crumbled and lost all sense of self respect and perspective but I managed for 30. Thats how long it took me to realize that he was never going to get better...and to top that...we were very active in Christianity. One would expect better from a husband who was a professing Christian.
My lesson to learn from being with him was to have enough self respect to really love myself which means that I remove myself from the situation. You're just dating, I was married and had 3 daughters so it was even harder to leave.
About throwing the blame, sounds like your guy is doing the same. Its a dumb mechanism to keep the focus off oneself so he doesnt have to become introspective and look and find that he has some major issues that need to be dealt with. It is something the average person is not equipped to do. Marriages to people like this usually end up in divorce or the woman dies due to stresss related illnesses or due to being physically abused to the point of death. At the end, my ex was going from verbal abuse to starting to shove me around causing me to lose my balance and fall. Thats dangerous enough and a bad fall hitting your head could kill you. So his anger and verbal abuse will eventually progress to the physical either sooner or later.
You can easily find someone much better than him.
Good luck dear. I know its hard feeling like you're giving up on a person but you can't let your strong nurturing instincts cause you to stay under the impression that you can help. Only a professional can help him when he is ready and asking for help.

(previous question: http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=614185) Note to asker: Users have no idea what questions you asked before, so, in the future, please provide a link to your previous question if you wish to ask another. Thank you.

New question:

i live houston texas i do have a car i like to cook very tall guy 6'3 280lbs but no on the bouncer part afraid to touch people

New question is not a question...you aren't asking anything. If anything, it sounds like you are reciting stuff for a dating profile. Except for the part where you state you're afraid to touch people.
You did not elaborate or actually ask how you can deal with the last part if that is what you want to ask. So I suggest you try again. If it's about a fear to touch people. Give us a bit more to go on. Do you want to deal with it or not. Is it more fear of germs that concerns you which could be the underlying phobia or is it no problem except with women? you get the picture i hope.

I am an 18 year old girl and I have just gotten my heart broken I fell extremely in love with an 18 year old boy who is immature and doesn't value me the way he should. I literally love him more than myself and proven that to him in so many ways but doesn't see that we recently broke up and I am destroyed because I have given everything up in the hopes that I would have a healthy amazing relationship with him we've been together for over a year and a half. god put him in my path he is my soul mate.. But I need him to realize that he needs to value me as the young lady that I am and I need him to grow up. I have faith in God but I am feeling so hopeless right now that contemplating death sounds like the most ideal solution. What can I do to fix not only my emotional state but the problems in life that follow?

I have 3 daughters and have seen them go through this too. It hurts for a while and they got depressed too. Didn't want to eat, nothing could catch their interest, etc...It wasn't until they decided they were tired of being in that state, that they were able to slowly crawl back out of the hole. One mistake I made when i was around your age is that i didnt really love myself enough but did everything for my guy and married him. I continued to love him and be there for him. I was Christian too. We went to church, he ushered, had home fellowship group, part of promise keepers, etc, etc... and yet, he treated me like crap, verbal abuse. My whole family advised i leave him but I stayed because I felt I had to let God heal my marriage. During this time I learned better how to hear personally from God, I was tested by the spirit over and over, go give that person a scripture, go pray for that lady, she has a headache, and I wouldnt believe it but when i did, I found out it was right every time. I am telling my story because i hope it will help you. Belief in God isn't enough. Waiting for God to wave a magic wand and make things go the way you think they were supposed to go...no matter how sure I was that i was supposed to be married to him.
What GOd finally taught me was that Yes...I was supposed to meet him or someone else much like him, because like diamonds, we don't grow unless we come up against pressure and hardship and that was why I was to be with him. But God never said it was for life. God wants us, his kids to grow up healthy and make good decisions and I can see now where the doctrine to never divorce that church taught us, was misleading from Gods most perfect scenerio for me. I have read some things about soul mates recently that say a soul mate is really a soul who was supposed to come into your life for a reason, likely for both of you to have opportunity for growth. They are supposed to be a mate, or in a relationship, mate as in friends or play mate, dating relationship, and doesn't necessarily mean a life time marriage mate. If the lesson God has for you to learn is not learned with the first person to come into your life, you will continue to run into and meet and get into relationship with similar guys because there is a lesson to learn. How many times have you heard a woman ask, why do I keep running into the same kind of losers? Obviously she hasnt learned what she was supposed to learn. I took verbal abuse for 30 years before I finally left. It came to a point where I told him that if he was in the mood to chew me out that i would grab my car keys and leave and i'd go to a girl friends house for the night. God saw that I had decided to love myself enough to not be willing to take anything less than what I deserved. So thats when God told me that if I did not leave him, that I would be dead in 4 years. I had learned all I could with him. It was time to progress on to learning new things. I did leave and God finally gave me a wonderful man because life lesson now are smaller things but equally important. So this new husband is not a soul mate because he doesnt need to be. I do wonder if he is a twin soul? I have read of that but what matters is our growth and progression as souls, not staying stuck.
My words of advice to you are first to start really working on your ability to hear from God. God will talk to you inside your head, using what sounds like your own voice, God will use your sense of humor and be fairly informal if you can be relaxed about it. You won't hear responses at first and its because you need to excercise that spiritual muscle. At your age I was starting to develop it but got sidetracked for a while with all my focus going into my relationship with hubby.When you do start to hear what you think is from God, most the time you'll know it was Him becauise it wont' be something you'd naturally say, its not part of the normal yak yak thoughts (internal dialoge) we have going on with ourselves. And it could be an instruction to do something that you really dont want to do cus you are scared. I asked God, what can I do to please you? I didn't go to him with a prayer list and help me with this and that and show me that way...cus duh..He's our parent, of course he wants to do that for us. But you have to speak to him first, in 99% of my life examples I had to speak to God first. He wont' intrude on our lives if we don't want to take time to talk to HIm.

Second, depression like yours is not due to a chemical imbalance born with so you can do things to get the levels of neuro transmitters in your brain back up, right now they are dangerously low, thus the depression...its not due to what happened but were low to begin with and your problem with the guy is what took you over the edge. Its really simple. Hugs are instant ways to get them up again. Long bear hugs. You cant give a hug without getting one in return. tell your parents or girl friends that you heard somewhere how healthy hugs are for our outlook and your' doing an experiment if you feel silly otherwise. Other ways, are movement, whether dancing, excercuise, running...i like skipping cant do it without laughing cus it feels so silly and kid like, another is laughter, so watch some great comedys, not just the occasional chuckles but the ones where your belly aches and you feel you might pee your pants. Another is music, singing along to your favorite songs is another way. Or just listening to the type of songs that the melody has made your heart feel so light like its a balloon about to float out of your chest...those kinds of melodys...its something about the certain note combos that do it, has nothing to do with the words. For example, one song that does it for me is "Clocks" by Coldplay, to give an example of a non Christian song. Its not a one time fix but stuff that you need to keep doing throughout life because life will always bring some stress to you and this is what combbats the stress so it doesnt get again to the point of depression.

Third, learn how to love yourself fully first and know that a healthy relationship must have both partners put in equal effort and maximum effort to make it a good relationship. Most people at a young age are still too lazy or immature to handle it yet.
If there's anything else i can help with, let me know by dropping a message at my inbox.
Blessings to you dear.

I had an abortion 6 years ago without telling my husband. At the time I had a 2 year old son and I did not want want to be saddled down with another child. We found out I was pregnant when I took a pregnancy test. My husband and I were both pro-choice, but I decided to have an abortion. I went to visit my cousin in another state after I found I was pregnant and she help me to get the abortion. I later told my husband that I fell and had a miscarriage.

It has been six years and I have a wonderful husband and I am felling guilty and a shame. I also, think that I am depress and I need to tell my husband about the abortion but, I am afraid he will not love me any more.

My husband always have something negative to say about women aborting their unborn babies and I am not sure how he will feel if he knows that I had done the same. What should I do?

I can understand wanting to stick with one kid or have a bigger gap between them. Kids are a lot of work. It's too late to go for best plan of having a talk with him about how you dont want to have this child.
If both of you are pro choice as you say, then it should have been easy for you to bring up the subject. So something is off here, because you felt a need to lie to him.
I don't know what beliefs or spiritual background you have, but perhaps if lying is something you stand against, then having done so, has caused the stress. Just having an abortion, even if both parents are for it, can still have delayed stress effects later. Something that bothers the subconscious.
It's one thing to lie to another person but it's worse of a mess to lie to oneself. I may be totally wrong and forgive me if thats so, but could it be that back then, you were pro choice and thought you'd convinced him of that but deep down you knew he really wasn't? Especially since you said he always has something negative to say about women aborting their babies? You may be more in turmoil from not having been honest with yourself.
So lets play "What if" and go back in time...
If you had decided back then that you were trying to convince yourself that he believed the same way as you 100%, and decided that it wasnt so and asked him if he really didn't like abortion at all and he said he didn't. Then you could have asked how if he didnt like it at all that he could say he was pro choice just for you? He may have decided to quit pretending and come out and be totally honest and told you that he wouldn't like it even if you did, or he could have said, well I would only be okay with it if you were raped and pregnant from the guy, or if having the kid was going to jeopardize your health, of if having it, was going to make you very unhappy because your happiness is important to him.

In one scenerio, you tell him then you really want an abortion and plan to go through with it. It may have split the marriage then if he couldnt settle it in his mind or you may have had wonderful support and never had to suffer through guilt. We all do things that later we wish we'd have done differently. But you were scared and so you made the choice you did.

So if you tell him the truth now, since he is your husband and father of the aborted child, you will still get one or the other of the possible scenerios only delayed by 6 years. I think your subconscious mind is tired of carrying this burden. Sometimes carrying such a burdon too long can mess with your bodys natural abilities that heal itself from simple stuff and the stuck energies will eventually create real illnesses, sometimes even life threatening but not at once, it developes over a life time.
For the sake of your own health, it might be the best thing to come clean with him and take whatever may come your way. The worst case scenerio is that the relationship isnt the same as it was, or slowly deteriorates, or he doesnt trust you anymore and may eventually leave you. You'd be faced with grieving the loss of him but knowing you eventually did the right thing in telling him. And yes, sometimes our mistakes mean even if you have learned from it, you can't have things like they've always been. You might have to pick up the pieces and be a single mom or you may meet and marry another. These are things you need to think over and be prepared for possibly happening. Hopefully it ends very well for you and your husband loves you so much that nothing you've done in the past could change his love for you, that he'd find himself able to forgive you and move on. But i had to be realistic. Sorry if it scares you but I had to try and paint all the possibilities. It wouldn't be fair to just say tell him without you counting all the possible consequences if you do tell him, and all the possilbe consequences to your self if you don;t.
Its still just your decision, i can't tell you which way to go. But hopefully this helps you in making your decision. Peace be with you dear.

So me and my boyfriend of a year and a half who I was madly in love with broke up last week. He broke up with me. I thought i would be devastated but i was more relieved. I knew we would be friends but It would take time. we play games with eachother on our ipads and i decided i needed a break before I was ready to talk to him again. I just wanted to figure things out. So over the week he kept nudging me on the game to play since it was my turn. I just ignored it. so today he texted me asking if i was ready to talk. which is so sweet because it shows me he really misses me as i do him but im not ready. I still want my space. I kind of like this space. I told him no and he said he hopes the day im ready to talk to him again comes soon. I feel so guilty.. I feel like he's really sad and i dont want him to be sad. I love him but i want more space. I was planning on texting him in about a week and a half from today but now i feel pressured that I should do it sooner and I'm worried he'll forget/move on and not care about me if i wait another week and a half.

what do you guys think? Any opinions are greatly appreciated! thanks so much!

p.s im 21 and he's 29 if that helps!

A part of us will always fear change, its uncomfortable. You said you were relieved which means it wasn't the best relationship to begin with for a boy friend a male friend maybe who is not a romantic interest is another story and if thats what he is should be able to move on to other things without it being a big deal for you.

Be honest with yourself. On a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being crappy, 2 being bad but I can handle it, 3 being so-so, there's some bright points, 4 being a good and dependable, 5 being the perfect match made in heaven, madly in love. where does this relationship stand?
My husband and I don't like being separate from each other, we don't drive each other nuts and need personal space other than time he spends on the computer or me in a book. When it's a 4 or 5 on the scale you have something really good. 3 is passable but why settle for less when you can get better, someone who is the best.
A relationship based more on texting and playing games is maybe nice for a friendship, but a deep romantic life time committed relationship needs lots more than just that. Good face to face time and time spent going through life experiences together, the good days and the bad ones, so there's always someone to kiss and hug away the stress's of life outside the home and the relationship. Some important thing for a healthy relationship is good communication that involves more than texted words, because humans communication with facial expressions and body language as well. Trust is important but without quality time spent together during the good and bad of what life throws at you, there's no opportunity to grow a trust in each other. A good sexual compatibility is important too, supporting and upholding each other and ones dreams, hopes and wishes and goals, complimenting each other daily, etc... Maybe I am misreading what you meant by boyfriend and you aren't wanting anything as serious as I paint for a relationship, if so then just keep doing what you've been doing in the relationship and it will do what its supposed to do, continue or fail. Sorry, i dont have any magic words to make it a quick easy fix. Relationships are hard work but worth it in the end. Good luck dear.

im young,but not too young. I can't help but feeling so down about not being pregnant. I dont know why thats the frusterating part. i have been spotting for a while so i went to the doctor and i had to get blood drawn to see if i was pregnant and it came up negative. i was kind of hoping i was and now im really sad and angry. i guess God has plans for me until im really ready.

I don't know your age and if you have just a boyfriend or a committed relationship.
Babies are cute and all but they are a lot of work.
A baby is relying on the parent to be able to use their natural instincts and stay calm when short of sleep, or baby is puking on you or having diarrhea and you've gone thru 8 outfits and have no more diapers, a parent can't freak out and not have a clue what to do, or do something that they have no idea might endanger baby.
Its hard enough for two parents to take care of and becomes a strain on the relationship. So if the guy gets jealous over the amt of time baby is getting over him, he could just take off and never return, or, there could be loss of libido for a while for you, sex changes somehow and again the guy doesn't like the situation, the crying baby and you maybe not looking quite as you did before. If the man isn't totally deeply in love and committed to being with you for life...then don't think about having a baby yet.

Another reason I believe it's best not to have kids while you are young is that all of us don't have the frontal part of our brain finish fully developing until our mid twenties. This part of the brain is responsible for our being able to make the best judgement calls, good decisions, being logical, which we lack alot of while being teens and early twenties. I know...i remember what i was like at that time...a fairly good kid but i did some stupid things too.

So the best thing to do while young is invest time into yourself, boosting your self image, that sort of thing. Become the most confident, mature, easy going, happy person you can be.
Hope this helps you

Hey there's this boy that goes to my school who seems like a pretty cool guy and I want to be his friend but don't know how I could. I mean he knows I exist and he'll say stuff to me from time to time, he'll point his foot at me and he'll stretch his legs out one going under my desk almost. . How can I offer him to be my friend? (Btw: I'm a girl)

gUYS just dont pay any attention to girls they aren't interested in, in some way. So if he talks to you and tries to find ways to be near you, its a good bet he is willing to be your friend. HOw did you ever become friends with girls? Probably had something in common. So in your talks with him, find out what kinds of movies/music/bands he likes.
What are some of his hobbies. If you like dogs, find out if he likes dogs, has pets, and ask the parents if its okay to have a friend come over to watch a movie or just to hang out. And invite him to your house...while parents are there. It's not dating and they shouldnt feel threatened that you are doing anything like dating yet. Just in case they have an age they will is proper or not for a girl to have boy friends. There is a slight difference. Having a male friend is more like a female best friend but it can later develope into the romantic relationship where the two are officially dating but by then the parents will have had a chance to get to know the guy and what hes like and how he treats you. No matter how much you like a guy, feeling can get in the way so if both parents feel there\s something wrong about him, you'll have to rely on their experience to know better . If however, over time you find they poopoo every guy, no ones good enough, then the problem would be with them but thats rare. Good luck dear

I don't have much of a sex drive, and I don't think I've ever actually been genuinely aroused, so I'm still in the dark about a lot of this.
What exactly is it that a girl produces when she gets wet? Mucus? Something watery?
If it gets on panties, does it look or feel different from sweat or discharge?
How much comes out, can it stain clothing, can you feel it coming out?
What exactly happens? If I think I'm going to be wet, should I grab paper towels or something?

There are several different types of discharges. The vaginal area is like a tiny ecosystem of its own and easily upset by too much douching or deodorizers or soaps. There's a good bacteria always at work cleansing the vagina, think of it like a self cleaning oven. LOL Anyways, this discharge cant be felt coming out. Its just tiny little bits throughout the day. So when the panties are checked later it can have dried on them, like a pale yellow crusty substance. It doesnt stain underpants. To feel fresh longer, just wear panty liners and change them. If you do douches and such, the good bacteria can be washed away giving the good bacteria a chance to grow and then you will have yeast infection or vaginitis. Yeast infection will itch and can be painful. Vaginitis usually doesnt have an itch or pain but the girl will smell fishy, and any discharge will too.
If a girl is aroused, maybe even by reading a romance, what her body does is release some thicker fluid that can act as a lubricant. Sometimes females don't have enough natural lubricant for various reason and thats okay...thats what store bought lubes are for.
So this type of fluid should not be coming out in any large amounts either, it would end up looking much like your natural cleansing fluid dried on panties.
Now the only other fluid that leaves a female can be what is the equivalent of male ejaculate. Whereas there is a separate duct to allow the fluid from the man to flow through the urethra while the valve for pee is temp shut off, this duct for ejaculate fluid isn't developed in all females. So what happens, scientists have found out, is when she has a g spot orgasm which is what usually causes a woman to gush or squirt, some women have that same liquid going into the bladder since it has no where else to go. The urine of pre orgasm to after orgasm in females who couldnt ejaculate, had an extra substance in it...can't remember the scientific name for it. Those females who do have wet orgasms, can release anywhere from a tablespoon or two up to a quarter cup, 1/2 cup or full cup of this liquid. And because females can have multi orgasms in a short space of time, it can be a very wet experience. Usually women do not gush in their panties. She would have already been orgasmic and with someone who is getting her aroused enough to gush that way while clothed. In all my life it's only happened once. So nothing to worry about there of getting wet while clothed. If you were to do so, it would be enough liquid it would look like the gal peed her pants.
If the girl finds she can gush, then the best thing to do is fold a bath towel double and place under the female if she's on bottom, or under the guy if she's on top. Hope that answers your question.

Hello advicenators, I have a question about one of my friends.Today was my first day of 8th grade.I went up to one of what I thought was friends, and she shot me dirty looks and refused to speak.We have been very close in the last few years and she and I told everything to eachother.We were inseperable.Another one of my friends asked her why she wasnt speaking to me, and she said she was not my friend anymore.When I said this to my other pals, everyone was shocked.Im not angry about all of this or even mad at her.I did nothing, nothing at all.I even tried to talk to her over the summer many times.Why would she just drop me now as a friend? Im very confused as I loved her as my sister.Is it me?I am a self harmer and recovering bulimic, maybe its because my sexuality.I dont know if I should even try to talk to her, Im not mad at her at all really, just curius why.Im a tad hurt, but not really.I enjoyed her compony and she barely annoyed me.Should I ask her why and what should I say.Thank you in advance.

Look at it this way, all the others were shocked as well. No one was saying, that she had some valid points for not liking you. So obviously no one else knows why or could even begin to imagine why because there is nothing that you are doing to cause her to behave that way.

Some I learned long ago, I can not make another person do anything they don't want to do. Think of your parents, they can not force you to do anything you don't want to do. However they can enforce consequences for not doing as they asked and it is still your decision to change or not, despite the consequences.
So since you have no control over another persons choices, or actions....realize that it includes choices to not be communicative, to be unreasonable, and know that it is a CHOICE to decide how you will feel and act or react. She has chosen to be angry with you. Never in your entire life will there ever be something you could do to make another person angry....it's psychology...it's not possible.
So Hon, there is nothing to figure out.

Now if you want separate advice on the harming yourself or you hinted at something with the sexuality, then explain to us what else is on your mind. Otherwise, let the old friend go and look forward to some new ones.

Hi there. So there's this guy I've recently hooked up with and since then he's crazy about flirting through texting and having phone sex, but won't come over and ya know have sex. I've given him the option once and he said he wasn't feeling well but insists on sending dirty msgs. He's kinky and all I want is casual sex but he just hasn't come over for sex but will text constant dirty msgs. It's frustrating what's up with that? I do work with him and it has only been a couple days since we first hooked up which we were both drunk but my god all I want is soba sex and that's it! Is he playing games or do u think he really will put his dirty words into action? Laugh out loud! It's been a while for me and its the first time in a year since my ex..

Hon, first it's important to understand that people have many different fetishes when it comes to sex.
Some are better satisfied with just the imaginined than the real thing. It goes the same for men and women, but since you've asked about him, it is normal for him to want only what he is doing and not want to do anything really in person with you.What he needs is a woman who gets all her sexual satisfaction the same way. You want kinky but with a live man. He's not it. He could do the stretch and do something that doesn't cut it for him, but do it just for you so that you are satisfied too, but there needs to be a talk and agreement about doing some give and take. If he's not willing, don't worry, its not you. Keep looking.
Here's just a taste of what some men are into that totally satisfies their sexual urges and they masturbate to: conversation on line or on a phone while imagining a certain women is way younger than them or way older, imagining themselves having sex with a daughter, having sex with their mother, being breast fed by a nursing woman, watching a women's feet and the shoes she wears, imagining himself as a baby inside the woman, imagining sex with a teacher or anyone else in authority, imagining himself as dominant or submissive with a partner who is the opposite, wanting a female to verbally abuse and belittle him (actually gets some guys off) and all this is being done over the phone or in text online. The same can be acted out in person. But since our minds are our greatest sexual asset, much of our sex and orgasming doesn't require having a physical partner. Think about some dream you had where you're having an orgasm and wake to find you are actually having one. The mind is fairly powerful that way. So, you can continue to do what you're doing with him and know it likely won't improve or keep your options open if you are looking for something like a friend with benefits.

So there's this guy that I work with. I'm 18, he's 22. He's a sarcastic person but I've noticed that his sarcasm toward me is mean but his sarcasm toward everyone else at work is nice or funny. He found out that I think he's cute so I was beginning o think that he was mean to me because he was trying to make himself look ugly to me or something. But today, I was working self checkout and he came over and asked if I could ring out his lunch, so jokingly sighed and he said "it's a shame that I make you work while at work, huh?" I bet you really hate me." I didn't answer him and he said "I'll take that as a yes" so I was a sarcastic bitch back and said "I mean, I've always hated you" but I smiled and he said "you're so mean. all you have to do is talk more. I get that you're shy and everything but you can be nicer" and I said back that he's mean all the time so I don't have to be nice and he walked away and didn't say anything. I was just wondering what that was. Like, I not shy toward him, I just don't talk much. So, was he dropping a hint at something, that if I talked more, he'd be nicer or what? I'm so confused.

I get the same stories from kids who are 12 and 13 years old. Neither the girl nor guy has any experience at that age in how to hold normal conversation with the opposite sex let alone in how to let the other person know they are interested in getting to know them better to see if its someone they might like to date.
I am guessing that by the type of conversation that you and he are having that whether or not the two of you have had some experience or not, neither of you know how to nicely approach another person for conversation, especially someone you are interested in getting to know a little better.

Subconsciously, without even realizing it, you two are using snippy remarks, sarcasm and meaness to hide the fact that you both are feeling very uncomfortable, inexperienced, not knowing what to do. It's a wall of defense you're hiding behind because you both feel vulnerable. Like I said, you may not realize that this is whats really behind both your and his behavior.

You're both adults now so time to step up to learning what a proper mature adult way of handling this might be. I am not putting you or him down hon. Everybody has a learning curve when it comes to this. The only dumb thing would be to totally want to avoid getting better at communication with the opposite sex.

It may take putting down your pride and just admitting to him next time you see him that you don't have much experience with how to talk to guys, or how to let them know you are interested enough to want to get to know him better. Yes it's scary. But adult have to go through with lots of things that may be scary to them thru out their lives. Its part of life and growing and maturing. I am still learning at my age. We all learn things our entire life and keep getting better and better.

Now being aware of what you are doing, give yourself a little pep talk. Let your subconscious know (this is just talking to yourself) that you aren't going to jump into any abusive relationship whether its just friendship or dating. But you won't get to know his true character until you let your guard down and begin to act friendly and approachable. Tell yourself that it is okay to be friendly and approachable for this purpose and all should go fine.
If you have any future questions, post again for us all, or if you have anything specific to ask of me, you;ll need to go to my column and write my in-box. Good luck dear!

I am giting marrid nexted year & want to have sex now but dont know what to use to keep from having a kid. What is the best to keep from having a kid?

PS I am 17 about to be 18.

If you haven't used hormonal birth control methods before, you won't know if you might suffer from any of the side effects. But the common ones to look out for if you decide to use a hormonal birth control, is constant tenderness in breasts, weight gain, nausea, dizziness, mood swings, constant headaches, break through bleeding, loss of libido. These do not go away on their own. A female has to stop taking such a product if she does experience problems. See your gyn or planned parenthood to get on birth control now.
My opinion is that it isn't normal or healthy for the body to totally stop or almost stop having a regular period cycle. But it's your body and your choice so read up on line on the different types of birth control out there, the pro's and cons. Keep in mind that pharmaceuticals make money off the stuff you need to take monthly.
Something like IUD's are good for many years and pretty care free and in my opinion the best contraceptive out there. But again, you'll need to look up and read up on them. The Mirena is the IUD intra uterine device with hormones in it and the "Paragard" is a copper one. The copper reacts with the uterine lining and makes it inhospitable for an egg to implant. The copper has no hormonal side affects, and you get a normal period, and its good for 10-12 years, and once you have it taken out later, can try for kids right away without having to wait for your body to ride itself of any remaining hormones that prevent pregnancy. Also look up Depo-Provera injections, Ortho Evra (the patch) mini pills and the pill.
Good luck dear with finding a good one that works for you and good luck on the marriage.

I am a retired member of law enforcement in my late 50s. My wife of 35 yrs left me suddenly last month. No discussion, she just was gone. A few days layer she called saying she needed a break. She suffers from major depressive disorder. My kids, late and early teens live with me. My son has shut her out of his life as this is the 2nd such departure she has made in the last yr. My son is angry and hurt by her actions. My young daughter is confused. I know i must care 4 my kids and do so but i am so down. These were to be my retirement yrs,instead it is hell. I am not interested in starting over. But i refuse to get old and eventually be alone. There are no 3rd parties involved here unless u count depression. On the job ive seen how these things can and do play out. Im not going to be sitting all alone staring at the walls or making umteen trips to a therapist. This will end badly 4 me no matter what.But at least i can end me. There is no other options. I feel very sorry 4 my kids. Mayb this way they can find a way to reconcile with their mother.

Sir, you did not ask a question. You only told us your story. If you felt this was something to take your own life over, then why write to an advice column if your mind is set . . . unless you don't see options but are hoping that we might have some options or ideas for you?

If you would like for me to share some viewpoints you may not have thought of. Just in case your grief has you not thinking of all possible consequences, I'd be glad to talk on here. But you need to write back to my column and leave a message in my in-box if you do want me to share. I have been through some equally devastating stuff, not exact same scenerio, but I would hope it could give you something more to think about and something positive to focus on. No, it won't take away the ache of despair or loss. You will need to go through grieving. Anyhow, let me know.

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