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Confused about Older guy friends
OK this just a huge mess and I need help ASAP!!! So i went to this fundraiser for a school group. (BTW I'm a freshman) and I have been talking to this guy a lot over summer (I met him and the guy I'm about to mention in a bit a year ago. They are both Juniors) So i was surprised the second guy was there (I'll call him 'Z' and the first guy 'J' for random so you don't get confused.) and that 'J' was there. So this other guy 'E' and I where walking around doing a raffle when J walked up to me and hugged me. But 'E' in a mean way told him he wasn't needed, J left but i saw him later. E told me that he told J to leave because he was a jerk to him (J isn't a jerk at all) There was one thing i was confused about (at another fundraiser two weeks before this We were doing the raffle and a friend of mine from another high school joined us and 'E' didn't complain at all!! But didn't want J with us... Btw 'E' is a Senior). So 'J' and I sat down so he could show me a video and he sat RIGHT next to me, so there was NO space between us. Then we started talking (this was before the video) he just took my hand and held it (he is a shy guy so this was surprising. Also I kind of like J but I feel like he's too old for me sometimes)and he leaned very close to me. I got up with him to go help and mid-walk he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and hugged me closer. He kind of followed me around but it didn't annoy me. And when we where helping i was leaning against the counter and he wrapped his arm around my arm. Our leader shot me a "What's going on with you two" look including mouthing the words. Later i was talking to 'Z's older brother about the activity I'm in and that i got hurt and 'J' who was behind me wrapped his arms around me from behind and held me close again. Sometime in the night he hugged me and kissed my head! He held my hand twice. 'Z' is a little hard to read so i asked him straight out if he and I are friends he said yes to my surprise. I want to get to know him better:) A thing i noticed was that 'E' was a little.. mean/hostile to 'J' tonight and they are friends... like he was being mean in front of me to 'J' but before 'J' had to leave (he left before me) he hugged me again and said thanks for a being a good friend to him (he's not the most popular guy)so... What the heck?? SO THIS IS WHAT I NEED HELP/ADVICE ON!: 1) How do i become better friends with 'Z' i will see him a lot (I will see all of the guys a lot) And I want to be friends with him. (I kind of like him A LITTLE) 2)I'm not sure what to do about 'J' i kind of like him but i feel weird about it I'm very confused... and 3) What the heck is wrong with 'E' he's usually nice... MY GUY FRIENDS ARE SO CONFUSING I NEED HELP!! Thank you!!
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Hahaha, a classic case of the alpha male syndrome.
LIke with dogs, wolves, etc... even between members of the same pack, or in the case of this group of guys who are friends, there will be fights for the supremacy of one. I had a chat with a son in law yesterday and he was telling me how often he senses other guys feel intimidated by him. He's a short tiny guy who looks like a freckled Hobbit, doesnt look threatening at all. LOL. What he told me made sense. He said it was the male who want to be the alpha male are confused and don't know how to react to him when he has no need or desire to naturally act like an alpha male. So instead of either fighting the other male, or backing off and listening to and obeying and following the other, he does neither thing. And that threatens the alpha type of guy because he doesn't know how to react to it, another male whom he cannot control or fight.
Sounds like J is like my son in law...not bothered by friends who want to be alpha males, he personally has no desire and since E can not either fight him or control him, he get unnerved and irritated with J. I am going to figure that since Z is hard to read that he may be a private person and so not up to battling E for being top dog. So he does the usual choice to follow E as the pack leader, the top dog and so there's not much trouble between the two.
Friendships with and dating the opposite sex is all supposed to be a learning experience...we all start somewhere and the more different types of guys and relationships and experiences we go through, the broader base of comparison we get to figure out what we like and don't like in a guy--you know, personal tastes in personality and such, but then we also learn what is healthy loving behavior and what is harmful controlling behavior from a guy towards you.
So you don't have to be friends with or date just one of them. You can date one at a time, break up with one to move on to the next which sounds awful to me if theres nothing wrong with the first guy and you are just dating the second one because you like him enough too. For all you know, all 3 may be interested in you as more than a friend.
You stated that these 3 guys were all your male friends. You did not state that all three were buddies who always hang out together.
You might try this is you are comfortable with it, once you know which ones are interested in you that way...J is very obvious about it, Z is subtle about it, you just have to discover where E stands so you don;t hurt his feelings in case all of em are close buddies. I would tell them that since you like all of them equally for their own unique personalities, you refuse to choose between them for friendship or dating. You might share that at this stage you are more interested in learning about guys than finding your long term relationship is that is true for you. It really should be at your age. Tell them that you don't want any to feel rejected so that you can officially say you are dating one and the others are left out, only to later have to play the game of dumping the first to date the next when you dont want to dump anyone and hurt any feelings. So if they can be secure enough to at least all be your friend and flirt and hold your hand or put an arm around you...you will welcome that from both or all 3, whatever the case in their interest level may be. You refuse to date only one..so it's all or none. Only guys who are really close may be able to do this depending on their temperament. An alpha male is likely not going to like it. But Z and J don't sound like that, I can see them both going out to movies together with you if as i said they are open to the concept of a group of friends who are very close and get to learn alot about the opposite sex and have fun and flirt while doing so. Once you are out of high school you may want to choose just one guy to be going with and learn about a deeper relationship from what you learned from group friendship with males. Hope this helps.
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Seems a little weird to me that they were all were putting the moves on you, so to speak on the same day. I'm wondering if they don't have a little contest going concerning you? I would hope not but keep it in mind. "E" may not be going along but keeping his mouth shut.
Before you consider any of them for a relationship, I think you need to sit down with "E" and see what he knows.
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