|
Friend vs. Foe
Let's just start off with a background story of my friend Sarah. Sarah's always been the type of person who asks you for a dollar everyday so she can afford to get cigarettes. She steals from clothing stores and mooches off of everyone. She's never worked a day in her life,she lives off of her boyfriend - basically you get the point. All in all, I haven't ever really considered sarah a "friend" but I certainly never considered her an enemy, even after she started using heroin and other serious drugs. In all honesty I'd stay the hell away from her if she wasn't dating one of my friends.
Now, I'm not a loud person, I'm the type of person people go to to spill out all of their secrets, to get advice from. I never knew why I got this type of treatment out of people, perhaps they just think I'm very trustable. And it's clear that Sarah trusted me to keep all of her secrets- even the ones she'd kept from her boyfriend.
So this past week I decided to hangout with Sarah. She had told me she was using heroin again, more so this time, and that she really needed a job. In fact, the whole reason we were hanging out was so that I could bring her to my work, to fill out an application. I then got her some food and we shared a bottle of whisky (that I payed for) , and she started venting. After this, we went to a small get-together. Sarah,me, and my friends Chris, Ashley and Pat were there. These were people I consider trusted friends, and would do no means of stealing from me.
That night, three other friends and I were playing beer pong, Sarah didn't want to play, so she sat behind us. After the beer pong we needed to get more beers, so I agreed to pitch in for some. As I went to get my money from my purse- I had 11 dollars in there- It was gone. I was nonetheless very upset. Soon after this, Pat and Sarah (Sarah's the only one who's 21, the rest of us are 20) went to get some more alcohol with the money that Pat had. Ashley, Chris and I went to look for my cash however It was no where to be found. Chris and Ashley were sure it was Sarah that had taken it, however none of us saw it happen.
Sarah did see me put the money back into my wallet after she bought us the whiskey.
As Sarah and Pat got back I explained what happened. Sarah was already drunk, and basically babbling on about how "11 dollars isn't that much money". I left the get together, because I just couldn't be around any of them with out feeling betrayed.
After all of this went down, I called up my friend Ally because that's where Sarah was going that night. I told her to watch out because of what happened to me, and she verified to me that Sarah has stolen from her before, but only when she was drunk. I then called Sarah's boyfriend and told him that she might have stolen money from me to use for her heroin addiction, which he thought she was over with.
The next day Sarah texted me about how upset she was that I thought it was her, and how she was mad that I called people that night accusing her. I told her I was mad at everyone and not just her. However, my gut is telling me that all signs lead to Sarah.
Now a week later, she's still playing the "innocent" game. Part of me feels really bad, in the off-chance that it wasn't her. But another part of me can't help but laugh.
I just really need advice on how to ignore people like this, and I'm very interested in the psychology of someone with an addiction. Have you ever been lied to before,in a scenario involving drugs? How does heroin or alcohol change someone's morals? Based on the information I've given, does it seem to make sense that I'd blame? Would she still be this upset if she did do it, or is it an act to defend her lies? I would really like an unbiased opinion, unlike what most of my friends are giving to me. Thank you
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
One more thing in addition to what else has been shared with you, when you do associate with her, buy her food, drinks, and being near her so she has an opportunity to steal, all you are doing is enabling her to stay stuck where she is. Even if its not much, she can go get a dozen suckers who will feel sorry for her and give her littles bits here and there plus the money she steals because they were hanging with her...it all adds up and keeps her going. If she had no food and no money to buy the drugs, she's likely resort to stealing new stuff from department stores to sell and likely get caught and end up somewhere where she is offered help. She needs to go through this on her own and hit rock bottom. She's almost there but nice people like you keep stepping in and delaying it one more day, one more week, and so on. I know it sounds harsh but I had a brother who had mental illness, drank and took street drugs, he never improved even to the day he died.
HOw to avoid her? Even though a friend of yours dates her, you don't have to meet her and do things with her. If you want to see your friend, let him know it can only be him, not her. If he is prone to telling her and sharing everything with her, this wont work cus she'll ask why she can't come along. You may have to drop seeing him as a friend until he too no longer associates with her. I wonder of course why your friend would choose to be in relationship with someone like this, but thats his lot to learn.
]
I really just think you don't need a friend like her in your life. Of course, she'll be around but you don't need to hang out with her one on one or have conversations with her anymore. Whether she was the one who stole from you or not, she's a "toxic friend".
You can't really ignore people like that. The only way is to cut contact with her.
My mom was addicted to alcohol and my brother was addicted to all sorts of drugs. I can't really cut those people out of my life, because they are family and they have a problem but when you are friends with someone, you can do that.
My mom would steal money from me, even just change I had stored away. My brother would steal so much money and steal my jewelry.
It changes their morals because they aren't in their right mind. They're addicted and they'd do anything for it.
It makes sense that you'd blame her. When something went missing in my house, I would jump to the conclusion that my brother took it. Calling her boyfriend and your other friend might have been a little over board because you don't know if she actually took it and you don't know if she wanted it for heroin. So that was pretty much just gossiping.
Who knows if she really took it or not. You won't know unless she decides to tell you she did.
I just think that it's not good to have friends that have addictions because they can do really cruel things, even if they are a good person. She needs actual help and you don't need a friend like that.
]
You need to not be her friend anymore. Don't hang out with her (except, perhaps, in very large groups). End all one-on-one contact with her, block her on social media. Cut her out entirely.
Whether she stole from you or not (and she probably did) you know she's toxic. So end the friendship.
There isn't really a 'trick' to ignoring someone. Ending a friendship is pretty simple once you are completely and utterly clear - in your own mind - that the friendship is over.
It is possible - even really likely - that she stole from you? Yep.
It is possible - even really likely - that it's all just an act now? Yep.
Should you feel bad? Actually yeah. I think you should.
You and her boyfriend, and your friend Ally and probably everyone else ALL KNEW that Sarah behaved in this sort of way. It's wasn't new information for anyone. If you didn't all already know this - you wouldn't have suspected her when your money went missing. You would have assumed you dropped it or something. You assumed it was her because you all already knew that this is sort of behaviour she engages in.
And maybe you should feel a bit bad. You called and 'told on her' to Ally and her boyfriend because you were angry - you were totally right to be angry! But you didn't do that to be kind to them, or to tell them anything they didn't already know. I think you crossed a line when you called them, in your anger, and spread an accusation you had no proof of, especially to suggest to her boyfriend that she 'stole it to buy heroine" which you had even less proof of. There was probably a few better ways to have handled that part of this.
She didn't deserve the benefit of the doubt in the sense that you had to forgive her, or go on pretending to believe her, but she also didn't deserve you running with anger and suspicions to mutual friends who weren't there, when it was only a suspicion. At very least, you should have waited until you had calmed down the next day before reaching out to them.
She might feel guilty now. She might not.
Her addiction might be effecting her judgement, or maybe she has always been a user and thief, even when she is sober.
You CAN'T know her heart or mind.
It's also totally fucking irrelevant. You don't have to be friends with someone just 'cause they feel badly when they betray you and lie about it. Would you stay with a guy who beat the shit out of you just because he felt badly about it afterwards? I hope not. So cut her out, completely. Don't be vicious or insulting. You don't need to hold a grudge. Just end the friendship. You might help your other friends realize that her behaviour shouldn't be tolerated.
If they don't - maybe you actually should work on finding an entirely new group of people to be around.
]
More Questions: |