about

My column is dedicated to telling it like it is. I will always give you the best information available to me or the best advice I can. I will be upfront and never hide the truth from you.

The one thing I will not do is you homework. I will try and point you towards the answer or help you find the answers you looking for. Ultimately you will have to find the answer yourself.

advice

Okay so I'd say I'm pretty familiar with my own vagina. The thing is though. I was exploring up there today and i noticed a hard ball. I mean I know girls have that but this time it feels extremely different, almost as thoigh its bigger and I feel it every time during insertion of my fingers now. And if I put my fingers on the other side of it, it leads to another hole.. but it seems much more prominent.. like its standing out more than usual. I'm pretty freaked out right now. Is this normal? I've never noticed it like this before...

Good for you for having a self examination ritual. It is very important that you know what your body feels like so you know when something is not right. I hope you are examining your breast regularly as well.

As to the problem you describe. None of us are doctors and it is impossible to examine you over the web. If you are under 14 you need to speak with your mother and tell her that during self-examination of your vagina you have found a lump and it seems to be changing shape Ask her to make an appointment with a GYN for you. Sorry but that is the way it is by law until your 14 and this lump/ball needs to be seen by a doctor. This is nothing sexual and has nothing to do with virginity. Stick to the self-examination story.


If you are over 14 then a Federal Law called HIPPA applies. This law say in part that anyone over the age of 14 has medical confidentiality. This means you can make an appointment with a gyn. Be examined by the doctor and treated all with out momms permission or her being in the exam room with you. In fact she cannot be in the exam room with you unless you invite her as this violates the confidentiality you have with the doctor. The doctor cannot tell anyone what you are examined for, what you are treated for and what is perscribed. This includes birth control pills. Violation of confidentiality by the doctor or staff can result in a prison ter of 5 years. Your written permisssion is needed to tell anyone what you are treated for.

This law was written in part to provide for medical treatment of the reproductive systems of young people like yourself. While primarilly intended fro girls it covers boys as well.

Answer to question: If over 14 make a doctors appointment and see a doctor a GYN. If under 14 talk to mon, but you need to see a doctor.

[view]

It is sure that after having sex... If we take ipill than there will be no chances of pregnancy...

First there is no 100% effective birth control method other then not having sex. If the ipill your refering to is the Plan B pill this is the emergency contraceptive pill which should be taken with in 73 hours after having sex. It too is not 100% effective. Neither is it meant as a form of birth control.

If you are going to have sex you should (assuming you are the female) be on birth control and the boy should be using a condom. The condom is not only for birth control but to lessen the chances of an STD be transmitted between you. Condoms do not stop all STDs but it is better than not using one.

If you are over 14 or older you can ask you doctor for birth control. Under a federal law called HIPPA. You are legally able to see your doctor without parental supervision in the exam room. What happens in the exam room is confidentiall between you and the doctor. The doctor cannot tell ayone including your parents what you were examined for or are being treated for.


This law was specifically designed to allow young people to get the medical attention for their reproductive systems without the need or embarrasement of going to their parents. This includes the despensing of birth control or prescribing for them.

[view]

Hi, I'm In NEED Of Help to find a Job. I'm turning 14 and I Need money for Clothes. Do You know anywhere where I Could get a Job FAST??

We see this question every summer. Unfortunatly you are too young to get a real job. Federal and State child labor laws prohibit children under the age of 16 from working. Then the jobs they can do and the hours they can work along with the number of hours they can work a week are strictly limited.


While this may sound unfair to you. These laws came to be to end the sweats shops of the late 1800 and early 1900's where young children worked 12 to 16 hours a day 6 and 7 days a week for very little money. Today we want you to get your education which is provuded free to you. While clothing and money to buy it with may be important to you today; your education will be more important when you must earn a living to support youself and your family.


Make do with the clothing mom and dad provide for now. For extra money for now the old stan-bys the others spoke of is all you can look for an do.


[view]

My mom and I do NOT get along. She's very manipulative,mentally abusive and borderline bipolar She fights with me on everything and threatens me all the time and demands money out of me.

I just got out of school last Friday and I graduate on the 9th.

Every day she comes home and screams at me that I haven't started working yet (I've only been home 5 days). She claims Im just "effing around' at home and wasting her money and time (Even though she gets 1k in child support every month until I turn 18) and no matter how many times I tell her I've filled out over 40 applications already she never believes me and continues to call me an idiot and worthless. She refuses to pay for anything and never saved up any money for me at all yet she wants to take money away from me (she says she wants half of every paycheck when I get a job on top of the child support she already gets). I've always taken care of myself and I've done really good in school. I'm an Honors student with college level certifications and the presidential volunteer award before I've even graduated from HS.

Anyways. Today out of the blue an idea came into my head on how to get out of here.
I have an older brother (about 32) who lives in a fairly large city with a house right by the beach. He's having some trouble paying for things because his roommate totaled both his cars and she's unemployed with only minor social security/disability coming through. My brother is the only one working. She has a 10 year old son she loves dearly but she can't see him because she doesn't have a car to get to him to and from school so she lost custody of him.

I'm thinking if I start looking at jobs where they are now I could most likely find one there much easier than finding one here (I live in a small town) and if they let me take one of the rooms or half even of one of the rooms I could help them out with the bills and watch her son and even help put in money for a car for all of us to use and my brother could teach me to drive it. I can cook and clean as well so it would take a lot of responsibility off their shoulders and they could just relax. I'd be in a much better home and in a town with much more possibilities.

I would just need to find a way to get past my mom on it as I'm sure my brother (we get along very well) and his roommate would love any help they can get. I would also be closer to my dad so if I ever needed help from him or vice versa it would only be a 30min drive away vs the 4 hour drive I have right now living where I am.

I just need some ideas on how to get there without my mom trying to pull something insane over my head to trap me into staying with her.

Thank you so much for any advice. :)

It sounds like a plan but here is the flaw. If your not 18 your and your mother has custody of you; even though you graduated from high school, you cannot leave her home without her permission. From what you have written I doubt you will get it.


Here is another idea to consider. Even though you are 17 you can join the military. Why am I suggesting this? For two reasons.

First: It will get you out from under your mom and you will learn how to be on your own with a proper support system to help you. You will also learn an important job of which is most likely transferrable to civillian life.

Second: You should be going to College not going out looking for a job to support your mother. While you are in the military they have a number of programs that will allow you to go to college or take college course while serving. When you get out you will have money to complete your college degree as well as pay for food and rent.

Speak to a recruiter, I would suggest the Army, Air Force or the Navy. Bring a transcript of your high school courses and College level certificates. Ask about having them pay for you to go to College. It will depend on what course you want to take and their need for that degreed individaul. If they agree you go to school, they pay you while in school, all expenses including living expenses. When you graduate you are commissioned as an officer and serve a number of years in return for their paying for college.

At 17 you might need a parents signature as you are too young to sign a contract but dad may be able to sign with you. This is not a bad deal. You get all your college paid for free and clear. You get to apply what you learn in the military and if you decide to leave you have experience to put on a resume that will be beneficial to your future employer.

My neighbor and her husband, both military doctors received their schooling this way. He went to West Point and to Harvard Medical School. She went to a state College and Tufts Medical School. They met at Walter Reed doing their residency. They plan to do 20 years and retire from the military. When they do they plan to open a practice together. Unlike their fellow classmates they will do so without the almost $350,000 in debt the others are carrying.

It is something to think about and you really should be going to college not supporting a family memebr.

[view]

I know it has to do with conception trouble but what is the definition of impotence really? Does it mean you can NEVER have babies or you are just having trouble for a while?

another term and probably the more correct term is "Erectile Dysfunction". The inability to gain or substain an erection for the purpose of intercourse.

[view]

i am 17 and i am pregnant, my mom is trying to lie to me and mt boyfriends parents sraying i have cancer and i need to get an abortion or i will loos the baby any ways. me and my boyfriends parents think she is lieing. what should i do plz help a.s.a.p

At 17 you are old enough to see a doctor on your own without your mother being with you. This is a federal law called HIPPA.

My advice is you find your own doctor and get yourself examined. Tell the doctor what your mother said so they know what to look for. Your mother cannot stop you from seeing a doctor, she cannot force herself to be with you as you are by law afforded confidentiality. This means you and your doctor and his or her nurse are the only ones in the exam room. Whatever the exam reveals, whatever the doctor treats you for stays between you and the doctor. The doctor can tell no one without your written permission. Neither can anyone in the doctors employ. To do so would subject them to 5 years in prison.

If you are covered under you mother or fathers insurance mom cannot stop you from using it to see a doctor. You only need to see doctors who accepts that insurance companies coverage.

Once you have been examined and the doctor has told you the results of the tests they ran. You will know if mom has lied to you or not. I believe this is the best thing for you to do as you need to be certain what the status of your health really is so you can have a healthy baby.

If, and hopefully you don't, have cancer, you caught this early means a cure is more possible. Also not all cancer treatments require pregnancy termination.

[view]

Hello Advicenators! It's been an extremely long time since I've been on this website, I'm so glad it's still running. You guys are awesome.

I came here because I was unsure who to talk to about this. Before I moved away to college, I babysat for this little girl, we'll call her Lauren, for a year. I would drive her to her dance classes and take her home, cook her dinner, and just hang around with her. Right before I was suppose to leave for college, something happened with her family. Her parents got a divorce, and then a couple weeks later, her father went to jail. The mother told me not to mention it to Lauren so it wouldn't upset her. The father got out on bail. And then, I went off to college.

I've been back on summer break (I'm 19 years old) and today was my first time babysitting for Lauren again. When I picked her up from school, I felt like I was going to break her in half when I hugged her. She looks extremely skinny. I could see her knee bones through her legs, and her arms were so tiny. I immediately became worried. This girl is 10 years old. Her parents are in the middle of a custody battle according to her mother, and Lauren told me that her cat just ran away a couple weeks ago. Lauren now lives with her mother and her two older brothers. She also is an avid dancer. She has been dancing since she was 4 years old and takes dance classes every day.

I'm nervous for Lauren because there are a lot of things in her life that could influence an eating disorder, such as how intense of a dancer she is, her pet running away, and what her parents are going through. I feel like I'm in a position that could help her because a) I have known her for such a long time and b) am also a dancer. I really want to help her but I am unsure of what to do.

Thank you for reading this long story. I would love some help from you advicenators!

Razhie gave you good advice. I will only add that if you are still making her dinner, watch how and what she eats. Keep an eye on her to make sure she isn't purging afterwards.

If she is refusing to eat then you need to speak with her mother. See what she has to say, see how long this has been going on. This loss of weight could be tied to her dancing or it could be from the stress of the custody battle.

If it is from the strss of the custody battle she needs to see her doctor for medical intervention. Children do suffer stress disorders an doctors can help them. Parents don't always believe children this young suffer stress. Custody battles can go on for years something this child cannot and should not be made to tolerate.

If weight loss has to do with dancing then it may be an eating disorder. Mom may be forcing her to eat but not aware that she is purging afterwards. That's why I asked you to keep an eye out for that. Lauren may even trust you enough to confied in you that she is purging. If so her mom needs to know so that medical intervention can be gotten.

Should mom feel this is just the result of the custody battle and will fun its course. You have every right to contact child social services.

[view]

Long story short, my son, Mark is with his second wife and she doesn't like my family. It's because she wants her children (my step grandchildren) to be more important than my biological grandchildren, but they make NO effort with my the rest family. so they are not considered grandchildren at all. So his wife doesn't like him to come see us. Now, my daughter's been talking about getting my granddaughter a car, so Mark promised my her that she could have a Jeep he bought for her. He basically bought it as an excuse to HAVE to come see us, as well as to be a big hero to my granddaughter. She had her little heart set on it and when Mark told his wife, she forbade him to go. He kept the car and told his wife he'd have to bring it down here eventually, but she gave it to her son to drive until then and he is tearing it up. He kept getting my granddaughter's hopes up about getting it soon and for a few months, she always got real excited, then I could tell she was losing faith in him. A year and a half went by and my daughter wouldn't buy another car because she was afraid of hurting Mark's feelings and he knew it. Eventually, I got tired of my son keeping my granddaughter from getting a car, so I bought her a Jeep and fixed it up for her myself. Now my son's feelings are hurt because he thinks I stole his opportunity to be a hero. What do I say to him.

Your son not you is the evil person in this story. You don't promise something and then don't deliver especially when you have the gift and let someone else use it.

You didn't steal any thunder here for there was no thunder to steal. If anything you taught your son a leason that blood is thicker than water and a promise needs to be kept.

You can't be a hero unless you are willing to fight for what is right. Your son surrendered rather than fighting for what was right. Your daughter also should have stepped in and notweorried about your sons feelings but about her daughters feelings.

[view]

I really want to have sex with my bf and he's asked me about before I'm 12 should I and just tell him to use a condom or what?

I don't know how old your boy friend is but at 12 years old you should not be having sexual intercourse. You should still be fending boys off from copping a feel and keeping your clothes on.


You are way, way to young to consider having sex something if you do have at this age you will live to regret for the rest of your life. Condoms are only 85% effective at preventing pregnancy and not fully protective at protecting you fron STDs. At 85% effectiveness you have a 2 in 10 chance of getting pregnant when you have sex. The more you have sex the more you increase the odds of getting pregnant.


Think about it: You are the one that gets pregnant, not him. You are the one that has to tell mom and dad your pregnant, not him. You are the one that has to decide to have the baby or not, not him. If you have the baby do you keep the baby or give it uo for adoption. Your decission not his. You are the one that has to live with the pain of giving away a child you carried for 9 months. If you keep the child you have to raise the child.


Sure mayby mom and dad will be there for you and help raise the child until you are old enough and able to do so on your own; or maybe not. Are you ready and able to raise a child on your own? Your not even old enough to get a real job, that is at least 4 years away. How will you pay for food. clothing, rent and doctor bills for you and the baby. You still need to go to school, that is state law. who will care for the baby while you're in school.


There is a lot more to raising a child than what I listed. But this is the end result of sex by young teenagers, which your have not even obtained that age yet, who have sex. Statistically the younger you are when you have sex the more likely you are to become pregnant.


For the boy it is a few minutes of fun and he gets to walk away for legally he is to young to be held responcible. You on the other hand have few to no choices. Actually you have no choice; because of your age you must do whatever mom and dad decide. So is it worth it to give in to your boyfriend. No it is not. You are many years away from a sex life when you are more mature and able to better protect yourself from pregnancy.

So my question to you is how bad do you want to have sex? If you still do then answer this question.

Picture yourself in a room full of 12 year old girls. Shake hands with the girls to your left, right, front and in back of you. Now tell me which girls in this room is the other girl? The reason for my question is this. We all feel these things only happen to someone else never to us. So if you can say which girl among all the girls in that room is the other girl; then maybe you won't get pregnant if you do have sex.


[view]

21/F
I don't get it... all my friends have always told me that the best part of moving on is finding someone new to share my life with but i just find it depressing. Every time i start to get close to a new guy I'm with it just reminds me that they're nothing like my ex and i end up crying, even after sex i just feel this overwhelming amount of sadness that the guy i just slept with wasn't my ex and i literally start crying and have to excuse myself and go home and cry myself to sleep... All the time. the saddest part is the guy i sleep with actually is a genuine guy but idk whats wrong with me. My ex made it clear that he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore, i even sent him a birthday present and he never said thank u or anything.. When does this start getting easier and why cant i just let myself be happy with someone else? I really am tired of living in the past but it seems by moving on I'm just settling for second best since i cant have the one person I've always wanted. By the way I'm a senior in college and I've been with this one guy since my sophomore year in high school but weve always been off and on.

Your hanging on to a lost love. There is an old saying that says; "if it was meant to be it would be. You may have been with your ex for four years and maybe he was your first lover(er) or first true love.. The fact that your relationship was on and off as you put it tells me it was not a love meant to be.

If he was your first lover it is harder to leave him in the past as we always remember the first person we have sex with, good, bad or indifferent. Your real true love is still out there waiting for you someone who will honor you and cherish what you bring to the relationship. A relationship is more than just sex. It is having fun just being together doing things the other likes to do.

An examble would be my wife and I. Until I was disabled we had a good sex life and did many things outside the house. We traveled and took our son to many places. Then an auto accident left me disabled with chronic back pain making sex painful for me and travel impossible. We worked around that aspect and found cooking together as a replacement for travel. We have a relationship built outside our sex life.

I'm guessing but your ex may not have wanted a relationship outside of a sex life. He may not have wanted a marriage at this stage of his life so he told you he was done with you. Not your fault but it is his loss. That is the way you need to look at waht happened. He lost a great gal, a great companion and someone that would have made a great wife. He may change his mind.

My suggestion to you is not to take him back for he will hurt you like this again. Stop sending him presents. Stop communicating with him. Doing this sends him the message that you are available and waiting for him. Don't let him control you like this you are worth more and much better than that.

Have one last pitty party for yourself if you need to. Snuggle up in your favorate night gown Drink some wine, eat some chocolate ice cream and watch your favorite old movie. Then dress up and go fishing in the sea of available men and find the guy that is waiting to meet you and be all the things I said a guy should be for you.

By the way I have just written to you what I would tell my daughter of grandaughter if she were to come to me with what you have writen. I'm old enough to be grandfather and I know you feel bad about lossing this guy. Trust me when I say he was not Mr. Right.

[view]

Hello everyone,

I have just been put in a position where I am going to be responsible for part of the hiring of new employees and I am terrified! You would think I would be excited about the promotion, and I guess I am, but what if I hire someone who steals, or is just not a good employee? OK enough of my fears and on to my question:

What are the best hiring techniques you know of? Are there any good books or training courses you can recommend to me? Just kind of a beginner's guide to best hiring practices would be good to start.

I really appreciate you taking the time to share your experiences with me.

I'm not aware of any books on the subject. I know what I do and I learned on the job as do most others. One thing you learn from the start is that resume's are always inflated to give the best impression so that you call them for an in person interview.

You can never judge a book by its cover so your concern over someone being a thief is something you will not learn in an interview. This is something you may learn from calling referances and finding out if the person is trust worthy.

You employer promoted you to this position because he or she trusts your instincts and people skills, so use them and sharpen them as you go. Learn the job skills needed for the positions you will be hiring for. If needed ask the supervisors for those positions what those skills are and develop questions to ask during the interview. Develope some small talk; I usually try to find something in the resume to talk about even if I don't know anything about what it is I'm asking about. I do this to see what and how they answer. The what and the how, more the how, can tell you a lot about the person.

In one job I interviewed for I was asked about my military exxperience and how the flight controls on an aircraft worked and what I did to repair them. What were some of the problems they had. After I was hired I asked the bosss why he asked the question after I learned he knew nothing about flying. This is when he let me in on that secret. He said the explaination I gave told him I would make a good salesman for his company. I remembered that and used it years later.

So trust your instincts and the people skills you have. Hiring is not an exxact science, it is more of an instinct you will sharpen as you go along.

good luck and congrats on the promotion.

[view]

I know what you think oh how stupid she want to kill het self... But if you where in my place you would have done it long befor now...
I can't say the country but let's say I am from country (A) but I grow up in country (B)... I had a lot of dreams and I worked hard so hard studied up all night to go to the best universty... But the country(a) and (b) got in a war so country (b) took my father and we don't know where they put him and my mom left me my bro and my sis to go out and try to help... but she did not for 4 years but after 4 years we meet my mom onther country that is (c) we stayed there for 1 year and then came to other country that is Sweden and we asked for help here but they said no you can't stay here go back to country (b) now my mom is about to go crazy and I am not Going to school also my sister and we don't know what to do if we go back to any of the countrys we will get killed like my dad... I don't know what to do all I am thinking about is killing my self... Pls help... You don't have to tell me a way out but keep me alive till I get a way out...:'(

I think I know what countries your talking about. You can't just enter a country and just stay there you need to apply for asylum. You do this by going to their department of immigration. It helps if you hire a lawyer from thaat country, in this case Swede, who knows the immigration laws. You should be allowed to stay while your request wroks its way through the system. In the mean time you can also contact other countried through tier embassies and ask to immigrate to that country while you are sking sweden for asylum.

[view]

hi i have rub my vagina with the penis of my boyfriend but we both have clothes on and there wasn't any kind of penetration the thing is that when i went to the bathroom I saw that my underwear had little blood when i clean myself there was blood in the same day when i go to the bathroom it came blood also i don't know if i loose my virginity or the thing that the vagina has has broken .....pleasee i need to know if i had loose it i am really scared

The Hymen, the thing in your vagina, can be broken in many ways. Masturbation is one way though it does require some penetration.

To be considered having lost your virginity there must be full penetration of your vagina by a boys penis. Under todays interpertation of loss of virginity only penetration by a penis can take your virginity. Anything else that may enter your vagaina and tear your Hyman does not count as loosing your virginity.

[view]

i am being sincere i havent worked for like 2 1/2 years but the reason for that is because ive been at home taking care of my dayughter and im having a hard time with the employers cause it seems like it bothers them when i tell them i havent worked for that long should i lie to them

In the first box for past employment put; date last employment ended to present date, under discription write homemaker. Under reason for leaving. Child/children now old enough for me to renter the work force. Then complete the rest of the wok history portion.

[view]

Hi there. If I wanted to have sex with my 17-year-old boyfriend of 3 years (I am 14) and he was not forcing me or bothering me with the question (actually it was me who wanted to) is it wrong?

Is it illegal if both the 17 year old and the 14 year old are BOTH consenting?

DISCLAIMER: Even though I used myself as an example, I am not saying that i plan on having sex yet! I promise!

In the example you have given using yourself. You as a 14 year old are under the age of consent in most all of the 50 states. The boy being 17 is over the age of consent and being 3 years or older, depending on how the state wishes to judge your ages could be charged with statutory rape. This would depend on the laws in your particular stat and if it has an exception for a certain number of years difference in age. Generally though this may only apply to someone over the age of consent but still under 18.

These laws are very tricky and are made so to protect young women/girls from older boys.

[view]

When a man is infertile, I know that what happens is he either doesn't have enough sperm or the sperm that he does have "doesn't work". Right? Please, correct me if I'm wrong. But what I want to make sure that I understand is what happens inside of his body, like the scientific form of an answer. If anyone out there knows, please feel free to help.

Thank you in advance for anyone who takes the time to answer!

Here is a list I found of some of the causes.

Causes Of Male Infertility Deficient sperm production


Specifically, inadequate sperm production by the testes or poor sperm motility. This may be due to

Environmental toxins such as chemicals
Radiation
Drugs
Heavy metal exposure
Cigarette smoking
Street drug use
Pollution
Frequent sex
Prolonged exposure to heat from hot tubs or saunas
Wearing underwear or pants that are too tight
Stress
Poor diet
Lifestyle habits

Causes Of Temporary Low Sperm Count

Increased scrotal temperature
Infections, the common cold, the flu, etc.
Increased stress
Lack of sleep
Overuse of alcohol, tobacco, or marijuana
Many prescription drugs
Exposure to radiation
Exposure to solvents, pesticides, and other toxins

Other causes of male infertility

Varicose condition of the scrotum
Previous GU infection, or infection with mumps
Certain prescription drugs, such as co-trimoxazole, testerone, anti- ulcer drug cimetidine (Tagamet), nitrofurantoin (Furadantin, Macrodantin) used in the treatment of urinary tract infections
Undescended testes
Diabetes
Infectious disease and glandular diseases affecting the hypothalamus, pituitary and the testes. Nutrient deficiencies also have a role to play.

Ductal obstruction - An obstruction of the seminal tract will decrease or stop the passage of sperm from the testes to the urethra for ejaculation. This may result from
Congenital defects
Infection of the epidydimis, testes, seminal vesicles, urethra, prostate or vas
Urethral stricture
Cystic fibrosis
Vasectomy

Ejaculatory dysfunction

Premature ejaculation
Retrograde ejaculation
Disorders of accessory glands
Infection
Inflammation
Antisperm antibodies

Coital disorders

Defects in technique
Premature withdrawal
Erectile dysfunction

[view]

i m 18 years old n my name is shamima.i m a university student.all on a sudden i noticed that my color of nipple is different.1 is brownie pinkish and another 1 is dark brown.but i never seen like this before.also i have a boyfriend n we have physical relationship but its been 2 weeks we havent done anything.i m very tensed about the color:|:| waiting for ur rep

I think you need to make an appointment with your doctor. We are not doctors and could not make a diagnoses over the web anyway as we would need to examine you.

A sudden change in skin color could be nothing or it could be a precursor of something more serious. This is something only your doctor can say for sure.

[view]

I have been in a relationship for four and a half years now with a wonderful, handsome, loving, huge hearted man who I love more than anything and plan to marry. My dad doesn't take the relationship seriously and my aunt told me about some negative things my mom told her about him. My dad tells people that he used to worry about me and my sister getting married too young, but we'd have to find somebody to marry first, so he won't have to worry for a while. It makes me feel bad because not only is he saying he doesn't have faith in my relationship, but he's making other people think the same way. I plan to get married before my sister who is 20 months older than me, but my dad tells people that at one wedding, when the father had to give the bride away, he almost started crying thinking about when he'd have to give my sister away, expecting that she'll get married first. That says to me that not only does he have little faith in my relationship, but that he won't be ready for me to get married when I do. I'm worried that when I tell my parents I'm engaged, they'll be unhappy and talk negatively to people, or that they'll do or say something that hurts my feelings.

First, congratulations on your engagement.

Now facts of life time. I will assume you are 18 or older which makes you legally an adult responsible for yourself. You parents can advise you or you can seek your parents advice should you care too. What parents can no longer do for their children is make decisions for them.

That is what you tell your parents should they respond negatively to your announcement. If dad says he will not walk you down the isle or will make trouble at your wedding. Ask someone else to walk you down the isle. Your brother or a good friend of yours and your future husband or you can come down the isle alone.

A Lot of what you say your dad is saying strikes me as a little false bravado on the part of your dad. Dads are funny when it comes to their daughters. A son is a son until he becomes a man. But a daughter is always daddy's little girl even when she is all grown up and has a family of her own. That is just the way it is in our culture. It sounds to me like dad is scared of loosing his little girl more than a problem with your future husband.

In any case your wedding is your big day. If you and your future husband are paying for the event. Then it is up to you who to invite. While I am sure you would like to have your parents participate in your big day. If their being there is going to ruin the day for you or their actions can ruin the day for you; don't invite them. It is that simple.

You have made your choice and accepted your boyfriends offer of marriage. Be happy, don't let your parents possible negativism ruin this happy time. They could be happy for you and join in the happiness with you and help in planning your wedding. If they chose to sulk in self pity and negativism let them, but don't let them ruin this time for you.

You can't control your parents and you shouldn't even try. If your happy then that is all that counts.

[view]

14/f
I've been going through a ton of stress for the past week (and will be for the next two weeks) due to the fact that my teachers thought it would be appropriate to assign major projects all due this week right before final exams. So, I've been stressing out lately, and last week I worked for about five hours a day to try to make a dent in all of these stupid projects I have. Anyway, I worked a ton last week, and then over the weekend I hung out with some friends (a normal thing for a teenager to do) and relaxed to try to de-stress myself. Well, whenever I relax my mom always gets mad at me and says I should be doing my homework. Then she goes on about how she never sees me work and all I do is lay around and listen to music. Whoa whoa whoa. Not the case AT ALL. I do my homework, then to relax (I'm very introverted) I listen to music. However, whenever I go upstairs to do my homework my mom assumes I'm goofing off, even though I tell her otherwise.

So I worked some this weekend, but not a ton because I wanted to relax. Today after school I was telling my mom how stressed out I was from all this work, but instead of being the reassuring motherly figure you always hear about in books and stuff, she yelled at me about how I never work and I need to stop complaining because I don't work. THIS IS NOT TRUE!!! That's what drives me crazy!!! And when I tell her this, she gets mad at me for "fighting everything she says."

So today after school, to prove to my mom that I work a lot, I came home and did five and a half hours of homework straight. Guess what? She yelled at me for "managing my time horribly." Then tonight she said to me "if you want to go to a bad college, that's okay!" and then she called into my brother "congrats on your straight A's, love you!" Well I am very stressed out right now, so what she said actually hurt me. I don't know what to do or what to say to her. Her comments about my work ethic are bothering me, and I feel like she gets mad at me no matter what I do. She's making me feel really stupid and she's adding unnecessary stress to my already stressed out state of being.

Sounds like a typical mother/daughter relationship to me. I do not want to demean anything you said. Mom should be more supportive but life is not like it is seen on television or in movies.

If your brother is bringing home straight A's and your not there is part of the problem. She feels you can do better and that you are not trying hard enough. IF you are in advanced classes she should know it will be harder to get A's then if you were in main line classes.

If your teachers are satisfied that you are working to potential then you be satisfied regardless of what mom says. Yes, I know words hurt though they can also be explanatory. You could visit with your guidance counselor before school closes and tell him/her what is bothering you at home. If your teachers are satisfied you are working to potential he or she may be willing to send a progress letter home telling mom how well you doing and that your teachers are proud of the progress you've made this year.

As for time management. You will never convince mom that you manage your time properly so here is a tip for you to use next year. I used this in College and in the Military also in my job.

At the beginning of each week I put up a time calendar. Now you know from a certain time in the morning until the afternoon you are in school. After being in school all day you are entitled to some time to decompress have a snack and relax, say 45 minutes. Then if you have any chores to do put them in the time calendar marking off the time they take. Then mark off time for homework by hour for each subject. Some nights you may not have homework in a particular subject and that's fine, use that time to study. The bottom of the time block is a time for special projects, say an hour a night.

Use this time calendar, which you can use one of the calendars on you computer, Ipod, or Ipad for and initial each hour or time block when subjects homework is complete. Post this calendar over the space where you do your homework.

Do this for everyday of the week including your weekends and you will not only gain control over your time and show mom you have proper time management. You will be preparing yourself for College and the working world beyond were time management is a skill 75 % of people do not have.

As for the other things. It is unfortunate that parents play one child against the other. Some feel that competition breeds success. I disagree; all of us are unique in our capabilities. I for instance do not do well on written test. Test me orally and I pass with flying colors. I'm an oral type person. It is our uniqueness that makes us successful as a whole. If you cannot make mom understand how much she is hurting you then maybe there is an Aunt, Uncle or grandparent you can speak with that she will listen too who will talk to her for you.

From what you have written I see a typical 14 year old teenage female with all the typical 14 year old female things going on in her life. Hopefully you are a good student getting good grades performing to your potential. Being introverted makes it hard for you to stand up for yourself. But you must for no one else will stand up for you. Maybe you have time management problems, maybe you don't. It is not a big deal if you do for it would be typical of someone your age if you do. I have offered you a corrective measure should you need it.

Talk to mom or talk to some other family member but let mom know how badly she is hurting you. I;m sure she is not truly aware.

[view]

I am a seventeen year old female and I a 25 year old boyfriend. When we first started dating he didnt ask me my age nor did i ask his. We feel deeply in love and then the age came into play. We've had sex alot and He haseven proposed to me a couple of times. I really really love him. Both our birthdays are in july so i'll be eighteen and he'll be 26. Please tell me what I should do. I don't want anything bad to happen to him because of me. Thanks...

Flare makes some good points. Technically your boyfriend is a pedophile. All of what Flare said and what I'm thinking depends on the laws of your state and at what age the age of consent is.

If you are above the age of consent then statutory rape is not a legal problem. Still the 6 year age difference is. By law it matters not how old you are today or tomorrow but how old you were when you started dating. If you two have been dating for over a year then Statutory rape is something he can be charged with, child molestation, pedophilia, leading to the delinquency of a minor and last but not least. IF you two ever crossed a state line together their is the federal charge of the Mann act to contend with.

I'm just wondering how long you two have been dating and how long you have known each others true ages. The six year difference in ages is not that big a deal. My in-laws had a five year difference in age with my mother in-law being 5 years older than my father in-law. The difference is they were more mature; being in their mid twenties when they met and married, than you are.

If I knew you better I would be much better able to advise you on this subject. Most 18 year olds, for this purpose you are 18, while legally an adult, have not yet gained the maturity or world experience to be having an adult relationship with someone so much older than themselves. This is what the next four years and college is all about. A chance to grow and mature away from home but still with a safety net of the school and your parents.

I'm concerned that had you boyfriend learned your true age when you were still 16 or early 17 why did he not break off the relationship. At 24 or 25 he should have the knowledge and maturity to know better. This leads me to believe he prefers younger women and the relationship you have with him will not be long lasting as you grow and mature and he loses control over you.

My advice is to end the relationship and find someone closer to your own age, at least for now.

[view]

<<< Previous Advice Column
Next Advice Column >>>
eXTReMe Tracker