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Getting My Parents to Accept My Engagement
I have been in a relationship for four and a half years now with a wonderful, handsome, loving, huge hearted man who I love more than anything and plan to marry. My dad doesn't take the relationship seriously and my aunt told me about some negative things my mom told her about him. My dad tells people that he used to worry about me and my sister getting married too young, but we'd have to find somebody to marry first, so he won't have to worry for a while. It makes me feel bad because not only is he saying he doesn't have faith in my relationship, but he's making other people think the same way. I plan to get married before my sister who is 20 months older than me, but my dad tells people that at one wedding, when the father had to give the bride away, he almost started crying thinking about when he'd have to give my sister away, expecting that she'll get married first. That says to me that not only does he have little faith in my relationship, but that he won't be ready for me to get married when I do. I'm worried that when I tell my parents I'm engaged, they'll be unhappy and talk negatively to people, or that they'll do or say something that hurts my feelings.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
First, congratulations on your engagement.
Now facts of life time. I will assume you are 18 or older which makes you legally an adult responsible for yourself. You parents can advise you or you can seek your parents advice should you care too. What parents can no longer do for their children is make decisions for them.
That is what you tell your parents should they respond negatively to your announcement. If dad says he will not walk you down the isle or will make trouble at your wedding. Ask someone else to walk you down the isle. Your brother or a good friend of yours and your future husband or you can come down the isle alone.
A Lot of what you say your dad is saying strikes me as a little false bravado on the part of your dad. Dads are funny when it comes to their daughters. A son is a son until he becomes a man. But a daughter is always daddy's little girl even when she is all grown up and has a family of her own. That is just the way it is in our culture. It sounds to me like dad is scared of loosing his little girl more than a problem with your future husband.
In any case your wedding is your big day. If you and your future husband are paying for the event. Then it is up to you who to invite. While I am sure you would like to have your parents participate in your big day. If their being there is going to ruin the day for you or their actions can ruin the day for you; don't invite them. It is that simple.
You have made your choice and accepted your boyfriends offer of marriage. Be happy, don't let your parents possible negativism ruin this happy time. They could be happy for you and join in the happiness with you and help in planning your wedding. If they chose to sulk in self pity and negativism let them, but don't let them ruin this time for you.
You can't control your parents and you shouldn't even try. If your happy then that is all that counts.
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Personally I'm the type of person who'd flat out issue an ultimatum. I'm a guy so it's "she", but I'd be pretty much "She's my choice, and I really don't give a damn what you think. What I do care about is you talking about my wife behind my back, so you're going to fall in line and get behind my relationship or you're going to drive my family away from yours."
Tell them that talking to other people about their opinions on your relationship is out of bounds, that they are your parents and you expect them to support you outwardly to other people and raise any concerns they might have privately with you like they'd expect of you. Express that you are an adult and you aren't going to tolerate them gossiping behind your back about the man you love and have chosen and that if they continue to do so you're going to have to make it explicitly clear to every member of the family that they don't have a goddamn clue and are just being judgmental assholes.
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Let me start by saying congrats on the engagement. Love is so beautiful. If you try to show your parents how much you both love each other and how great your fiance is then that should tip the scale to your favor. But, of course its usually never that simple. Show them how mature and grown up you are and give it to them straight that you love him and he loves you and he's the air you breathe so, them running him away is like suffocatting there daughter. Good luck, and I really hope that all goes well!!!
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