adviceman49's advice column | Page 153

home view feedback ask questions add as friend advicenators

Gender:

Male

Member Since:

June 18, 2009

Answers:

8136

Last Update:

May 26, 2019

Visitors:

140841

Favorite Columnists

storageanddisposal

Main Categories:

General Sex Questions

Abusive Relationships

about

My column is dedicated to telling it like it is. I will always give you the best information available to me or the best advice I can. I will be upfront and never hide the truth from you.

The one thing I will not do is you homework. I will try and point you towards the answer or help you find the answers you looking for. Ultimately you will have to find the answer yourself.

advice

17F

So I have had my eye on this girl from work since day 1. We have been casually talking for more than a month, and its gotten to the point where things feel flirtier. I can't be sure though, because she is bisexual. Anyways, I wanted to ask her out on Valentine's day but I need some input

1. Is it too cliche?
2. She's 20, so would it seem to juvenile?
3. My plan was to put a rose or a teddy bear in her locker at work with an invitation. GOOD? OR NO?
4. Do I talk about it subtly before hand? Such as jokingly ask her if she has plans for that day?
5. If I fet rejected?
6. Any extra advice?

Let me make sure I understand you correctly. You're a 17 year old female and you want to ask a 20 year old female co-worker out for Valentines Day. If this is correct then I would be right in assuming you are a Lesbian and you feel she is also a lesbian.

Going with number 6 first: I would make sure that this women's sexual preference is as you believe it is, especially if it is not known around the workplace that you are a lesbian. Even if it is known she may just be being nice to you at work and has a boyfriend outside of work.

What you might do is during a conversation, say over lunch as her if she has any plans for Valentines Day. It is a normal thing for one friend to ask another friend in polite conversation. How she responds will tell you how you should proceed in advancing your friendship with her.

If she responds that I waiting for my significant other to ask me. Then it is possible she is a lesbian. If she responds, my boyfriend and I haven't made any definite plans, well then you have your answer. There is of course other ways she can answer as well such as I have no plans. If you get this answer you can try a soft invitation by saying: "I have no plans either maybe we could hang out together." Then see what her answer is.

Item 2. The 3 year age difference at this time while numerically is not a large difference it is a somewhat huge cap between you two. IF you were 25 to her 28 it would be different. Sine you are legally not an adult yet she may see you as a juvenile.

As for item 3; I would not go with that unless you know for sure she is into women.

Item 4 I covered in item 6.

Item 5. Stick with the soft approach as I outlines in item 6. Since you are not asking for a date you are not really being rejected if she say no to the idea of hanging out together.

It was New years day when I met him on the internet. I was on this site called Omegel .I wanted to make a few guy friends ,anyways I started talking to this one guy .He was cool.He asked for my age and I told him I was 14. He told me he was 18 .I really like talking to him and I really wanted to be friends.So I told him that I wasn't looking for a relationship n that I don't send nudes.So we exchange numbers.He had a girl friend n they were kind of fighting,so I faced him advice .but at the end he ended up breaking up with her.Anyways we would stay up every night talking.I told him my real age,and he was cool with.He told me his darkest secrets so did I,then one day he told me he loved me.I wasn't sure what he meant ,so I said I loved him ,and we ended up staying up another night texting ,but now the texts messages we send to each other are getting shorter and shorter because were always busy .He lives in Michigan and I live in California .(I'm a girl) I don't know what to do we haven't talked to each other in a few days .should I end our friendship or fight for it?(sorry for it being long)

Both the age and the geographic distance are too big to bridge to form any type of lasting relationship. While 5 years does not seem like a large number at your present time you may as well try to span the Grand Canyon. You are just learning about relationships and how to handle boys. He has gone through everything you need to grow through in order to have the adult type of relationship he needs. Which is why I believe his messaging is falling off.

If the above weren't enough you have the geographic limitations to deal with. Michigan is 2/3 the way across the country from you. As I parent I would never let my 14 or 14 year old daughter go off and meet an 18 year old man. In fact you would have to be 18 or older before I could not stop you. For him, while there is no one to stop him from coming to see you the cost involved makes it doubtful that will happen other than maybe once if he has another reason to come to the west coast.

My advice is enjoy what you had. Now go out and find a boy or boys closer to your own age to date and learn what you need to learn about dating and boys to keep you safe as an adult lady.

Hi, I am sixteen female, obviously. But over a month ago I had sex with this guy. He didn't get off, and wore a condom, but, I do know that an erect penis leaks semen. My condom was probably ruined because of the place I had it in my purse. Anyways I had been off mt period for about three days when I had sex. I have nor had an actual period since then. Two weeks or a little over after I had sex i had this weird brown spotting for around four or five days and it went away completely. My lower stomach is beginning to feel a little "hard" or "different as well. My period is now late, and I've also been getting very bloated and constipated easily. I get headaches and hungry easier and I'm urinating more frequently. I took a test like three weeks ago and there was a faint line at first but it went away? Could I be pregnant?

I agree with Razhie. After being pregnant, stress is the second biggest reason a woman will miss her period. Being 16 and having sex then worrying if the condom failed adds up to more than enough stress to miss your period. We get hundreds of letters each month from girls your age asking the same question. Few if any are actually pregnant. Take another home pregnancy test. If it is not conclusive go to a planned parenthood clinic for a medical test.

While you're there you can ask for birth control medication which you can start taking once it is confirmed you are not pregnant. At 16 years old you may be prescribed birth control without parental permission under a federal law called HIPPA.

Your visit to the clinic, the examination, the pregnancy test and prescription are all confidential. If your parents were somehow to find out you visited the clinic, they could not see or in anyway know of the reason or outcome of your visit without your written permission to the doctor.

F-16

So I had sex for my first time, and we did this and it was good I did bleed a bit, but that's normal. It's a few days after and I'm just randomly seeing brown/pink blood when I whip... Then I started my period, I just finished my period today. And I went to the wash room and there was closer to a darker brown when I whip... Idk what to do, I don't want to tell my parents, and I don't feel comfortable seeing a doctor about this...

Since you are over 14 years of age a federal law called HIPPA allows you to see a doctor without parental consent or knowledge for anything having to do with your reproductive system. Since what you are writing about falls under that parameter you may see any doctor of your choosing to put your mind at ease.

What this means is you can schedule a visit with your own gynecologist. Visit any of the walk-in clinics in your area or visit a planned parenthood or women's free clinic in your area. These doctors visits are totally confidential. No one including your parents can be told why you're seeing the doctor, what is discussed with the doctor and what the doctor is examining you for.

Since you are now sexually active you may even want to discuss birth control with the doctor. This to is allowed under HIPPA and the doctor will prescribe medication if asked. These visits will be covered under your parents health insurance, but still does not give them any right to see these records without your written permission to the doctor. Even the pharmacist cannot tell your parents of the birth control medication.

All you need to see any doctor, with the exception of the planned parenthood clinics, is a copy of your parents health insurance card. If you are not carrying a copy with you, you should be. It's just a precaution that you have it as an active 16 year old teenager it is just one of those things you should carry in the event of an emergency and you cannot get in touch with a parent.

Congress passed this law for just the reason you are writing to us. So when something like this comes up and you don't want to go to your parents. If it concerns your reproductive system, then you can go see a doctor, be examined, have questions answered and be treated all in total confidentiality. Just because your parents health insurance is paying does not give them any rights to know why you saw the doctor. I could pay the bill and I could not know why you were treated. Unless you give permission in writing to the doctor.

In fact since you were 14 years old mom can no longer be in an exam room with you if you do not want her there. All you need say to the doctor is I wish to invoke my rights under HIPPA and mom will be made to wait in the waiting room. Saying that to the doctor tells the doctor you have a sexual or sexual reproductive question or need to have a female exam performed.

Ok. I'm a girl, he's a single gay guy. We've been friends for 2 years now, he even calls me his soulmate all the time. We always hang out and we do almost everything together. While I find him very attractive and a lot like me, I've respected his sexuality and refused to even consider to think of him romantically. That being said, I've noticed he's been getting REALLY friendly with me. He's always saying things like, ''I love your hair, it's so soft and long,'', or ''you have the prettiest eyes'', or ''you look beautiful today.'' He only does this to me.

We were going to his house to just hang out and the entire time we were walking home he held my hand and we didn't say anything. He let my hand go to open the front door and when I took my shoes off he slowly walked towards me and I kept stepping back until I hit the table and he leaned in really close and he was just staring at me for an entire minute! I didn't know what to do and he just kept coming in closer and closer and he was going to kiss me but then he stepped back and we were both awkwardly standing there and he muttered "sorry" ... I honestly don't understand, he told me he was 100% gay and he didn't have any interest in girls. I've never seen him act this way towards any other girl.

I guess my question is, gay men: do you ever find yourself against all odds, falling for a woman? Is it possible? What do I do? Do I just ask him directly?

Not being gay myself I can't say for certain what is going on with your friend. I do though know several gay and lesbian couples and have noticed in each relationship there is the female and male role in the relationship.

Your friend may be allowing his female side to come out. IT would not be out of bounds for one female to complement another in the manner he is doing so to you.

If he does see himself as the female in a same sex relationship. Then he may be confusing himself when around you because of his comfort level with you. This is only a guess on my part.

If you are young, say as young as early teenagers then it is possible he is still confused as to his sexual identity. Either of these answers are possible. I would suggest you find away to speak with him about this for if he is confused about his sexual identity then he may not be gay.

A person who is gay is born gay. It is not something you decide to be. You can decide to be bisexual. Gay and lesbians are, according to scientists are conceived that way it is in their DNA make up and something they are aware of early in life. Well before puberty and sexual awareness.

If your friend is confused about his sexual make up he needs to talk about it. preferably with a professional therapist who can help him. He could also be fighting who he is. A good therapist can help him with this as well.

I sometimes get chest pain. Like a dagger in my ribs. Also a wicked pain in my breast. I'm 17 and a female. My nose is also always bleeding. I have fluctuating weights and find it hard to loose weight. Im also alqays thirsty. I dont know if this could be my imagination but the pains are real and I was wondering if they are symptoms of something

Chest Pains are always scary. Most of the time they turn out to be nothing more than muscle pain. Problem is that diagnoses can only be made in the doctors office, a hospital or by a paramedic using a Lifepak. The paramedic by law cannot diagnose but only treat what they see and the symptoms you report.

The chest pains and the stabbing pain in the ribs are separate symptoms but could be cause related. The bloody nose is a separate symptom and not easily related to the chest pains but can be if other things are present. Being thirsty generally is not related to the chest pain.

My suggestion is to see a doctor, NOW. If you are still suffering the pains in the chest and bleeding from the nose it would be appropriate to call 911 and ask for a paramedic ambulance.

Should the Medic suggest you go to the hospital with them. I would suggest you do so, it is not so unusual today to find young people with heart problems. I can't and I am not saying that is what your problem is though you really need to find out. At your age you do not need parental permission to call 911.

I married a man whose wife committed suicide and so did her mother, acohol posioning. My husband has a temper and acts like a hot shot immature teen ager and toes into fits, screams, gets in his car and takes off for few hours or days. He thinks he is the only one right and he turns everything that is said. He is an acoholic, and smokes continually. You can't communicate with him at all. He refuses to discuss any situation. I am tired of all this. His family told me after I married him that I should watch myself. I have tried suicide because I am so depressed. He was in debt over $200,000 when I married him but didn't tell me. I am at the verge of trying suicide again and I see a therapist and I don't see any hope. I am not afraid of committing suicide to get out of thismess. And he has a son that he practically gave all the equity in it to him. The son owed us $40,000 (had 5 years to save it) on `1/1/2014. His son doesn't call us, not even on my husbands' birthday, xmas, father's day. They have no communication. They are both mean, and don't communicate. I can't take thisman's split personality. I am ready to quit. I see this going no where and I feel like his mother at times. He doesn't shower except for maybe 2x a week. He stinks like smoke and he lies to me. He puts me down in public and I have lost most of my self esteem. I have a MA and he uses that against me at times, because he did not go to college. I have never used it against him. I hate my life. And I am tired of living.

I see no reason to commit suicide. Suicide does not solve anything it is the wrong solution to a problem that has better options.

I see no reason for you to stay with this man a become his second wife to leave him through suicide. I do though believe that you have reason to end your marriage to him; the better solution. You have a degree which tells me you should be able to support yourself. You should not be responsible for any debt he incurred prior to your marriage.

My advice is to seek the help of a good divorce lawyer. Follow the lawyers advice and the next time your husband goes off on one of his rages, pack your bags and get out. when he returns he should find the paperwork from your lawyer seeking the divorce, a separation order and an order from the courts to stay away from you.

I'm fairly certain that even though your husband may not be hitting you. Your therapist is telling you that your depression is caused by battered women syndrome. You don't have to be physically abused to be a battered woman. His rages and constant tearing you down is mental abuse and is just as bad as if he strikes you.

Get out and don't look back. The sooner you do the better you will feel about yourself. I very rarely make this recommendation. In all the years I have been answering letters on this forum I don't need the fingers of one hand to count the times I've made this recommendation. In your case I believe it is the right suggestion.

Hello, I'm a freshman in college majoring in sociology. I love the mind and people and learning how to get inside of people's heads and finding out why they do what they do and such. However, lately, I've been thinking that having one major is going to be very hard in the future for job searching. So, I was going to pick up another major and a minor. I was going to double major in sociology and psychology and minor in criminal justice.

I'm on here, obviously for advice to see what you guys think of that? I know that what I decide to do with my life is my decision but what kind of jobs do you think I would be able to get with those, do you think it would be easier for my future to find a job?

Thanks!

You have picked two really tough majors and the minor you chose is not that easy either. Having degrees in three subjects will in one instants help in a job search though not in the manor I believe you are thinking.

While having three subjects to explore jobs in. Two of the subjects are in relatively close fields. The third subject is as a young man who graduated with a degree in Criminal Justice told me, is a subject some young people take who do not have good math skills. I'm not aware if employers are starting to notice this. There was a time were Liberal Arts was used as a minor and now it seems Criminal Justice and Law Enforcement are preferred minors.

The one thing that stands out or will stand out if you make it through college with high marks in all three subject areas is that you are a hard worker. That is the upside. as this is something future employers will see from your resume. The down side is trying to carry that class load for 4 or 5 years could do a number on your health.

I suggest two things. First you speak with a class adviser about what you would like to do and see what he or she thinks. The school may or may not allow you to carry such a workload. Then of course you need to speak with your parents, especially if mom and dad are footing the bill for college. They may not have the financial ability to pay for all those extra classes.

Your intentions are good and your goals lofty. Everyone needs goals in life though we cannot set our goals so high that they cannot be obtained. Goals should be set so that they at the start are just out of reach and one must extend themselves to reach them.

I of course do not know you so I cannot say for certain. I so think though you have set these goals so high that they may not be obtainable which could cause you to throw in the towel altogether. Rethink your goal plan and set the bar for something more obtainable such as one major and one minor.

You can always come back to school later in life if you feel another major or minor is needed to round out your career choices.

My boyfriend is going bankrupt, I'm doing all I can to help. His house and cell got cut off, and so did his internet. But even before he still hardly ever called so I could make sure he was okay. Always too busy trying some shit get rich scheme. He's been staying with this one guy and the guy let him use his internet and phone to tell me what's going on. Well tonight he posted a status but didn't message me back. I sent him a dear john letter basically and fumed. But I think I maybe pregnant, am I overreacting or should I be mad?

You're not overreacting if your pregnant. So the first order of business is to find out if you are pregnant. There are many reasons for missing a period, if that is the reason you think you are pregnant. The biggest reason is the stress over worry that you might have gotten pregnant from unprotected sex.

Go to the pharmacy and buy a home test kit. If you have not missed a period purchase a kit that allows testing as soon after unprotected intercourse as possible and at least as long as it has been for you. If it comes up positive don't panic early tests are prone to false positives wait ten days buy another kit and test again.

If you are pregnant his filing for bankruptcy does not relieve him of his financial responsibilities to his child. You need to find a lawyer and have the proper paperwork filed with the court to insure he provides financial support, child support for his child. If you cannot afford a lawyer go to the legal aid office near you and they will do the filings for you.

As far as to whether you are over reacting or should just be mad. I can only respond to the possible pregnancy. In that case you have every right to over react and be mad. For if you are pregnant and he is using the threat of his filing for bankruptcy as a ploy to deter you from asking for child support. Then yes you should be mad and no you are not overreacting. As I said above bankruptcy does not release him from his financial responsibilities of his children. In fact I'm fairly certain he knows this and is hoping you don't.

As for the relationship and how you may reacting to it. I really can't respond. There is not enough information for one. For another relationships being what they are and the intertwining with our feelings it is very easy to for emotions to run wild.

I am a female, 22 years old. I dropped out of High School my senior year. Not because I wanted to but because I was brutally bullied. I do plan to get my GED & go to college. However I would like to be gaining knowledge on my own.
My New Years resolution was to watch t.v less & to rude more. I do have a brain injury which makes it a bit difficult to retain knowledge but the more I try hopefully the easier it will become.
So what I am seeking is suggestions of books to read, I'm open to all different topics, quiz books etc..

Please & thank you so much :)

There are two ways of reading. The first is reading for enjoyment. The second is reading for learning. Both types of reading expand you knowledge in different ways. Text books and some classic literature and Novels may not be to your literary liking.

IF you have not done a lot of reading in the past I would suggest you start by reading for fun. This will help you read better and faster. Then you can start easing into the books you should have read in High school, some of the classic literature. There are a number of different authors English teacher introduce us to in both High school and College. Some of the so called Classics bored me to tears. I'm not the Romeo and Juliet type of guy to begin with and Shakespeare who is among the greatest of the classic artists has a writing style I just had trouble reading.

I would suggest you go to the library and talk with a Liberian. Tell them what you like to read and what you believe your reading skill level is. Reading skill and comprehension are different. Then the Librarian can help you choose some books to read.

My boyfriend and I have been together 5 years. We started dating my junior year of high school. We now live together (have for 2 years). When I mention getting engaged he just about turns green in the face. He is content with a small town life working at his fathers business (which is okay with me), but Im a dreamer and have a lot of goals for my life. We are complete opposites, but we even each other out. At 5 years I feel like I should be seeing some type of guarantee that were going to stay together... I feel like he should know rather Im who he wants to be with by now. I am not saying I want to get married now, (id be happy with a couple years of engagement), but I feel like I need to see some type of commitment to show me he's serious about us. I really do care about him a lot, but Im not going to settle for not chasing all of my dreams for no reason. Im extremely confused and have been for about a year now. Im not saying Im not happy with him, but it does bother me a lot thinking im changing my life for someone if were not gonna stay together! Id be 110% content if I just knew we were going to work out. I kinda feel like Im wasting my time if were not. Help?

There are two ways to make your point with him and after 5 years you have every right to know where this relationship is going. For right know he has all the comforts and privileges of married life without the commitment.

One way to make your point with him is to sit him down and to tell him just what you said to us. Basically that you need to know where this is going, is there marriage at the end of the tunnel. After 5 years he should know if he is ready and you are the girl he wants to spend the rest of his life with. If he cannot answer that question then you have goals that you have put off to be with him that you have to start working towards and go where they take you.

The other way is more subliminal. If in those goals going to college to earn a degree you can start working towards that degree at your local community college by taking most of the prerequisite classes there. This should send the message that in two years you will be applying to a University to finish your degree.

You keep reminding him that his time to decide is growing short by constantly asking his opinion on different colleges to attend, away from where you live. When he asks why you have to go away to finish your degree; the answer is simple. "There is no commitment to keep from not leaving."

When and if the time comes to leave for school you pack up and leave and not look back. If he comes to his senses he has to come to you and ask you to return and the basis for you returning is a ring and wedding date.

I am a 23 year old college student. I've been in 3 relationships that lasted longer than 6 months and the most recent one that ended lasted 4 years. I've had sex with two of my boyfriends and I know I enjoy it and what not. Ive had guys besides that who I would make out with and sometimes we'd go a little further but not all the way to sex.
The problem is I have seen a couple of my friends end long relationships recently and almost immediatly after jump into new things, as in relationship type things and one night stands. (Not really sure what to call them) Its making me feel really weird inside because they always were a lot like me and I never thought of them as "easy". I suddenly have been questioning if im going about this the wrong way and if I put myself out there more and was more willing to do the dirty then if that would make me less lonely.
My last break up was really difficult on me and the problem is the string is not completely cut. He still comes to me for advice and is still someone who I keep in contact with. I know this may be a bad idea. But I really enjoy having him in my life as a friend and it feels like we are good at setting boundaries.
I guess this is more like a rant...but I just feel like maybe my moral code is off and I should adjust with times. I just don't see how I could get with someone I barely know. Or who takes me on one date. I feel like it may be making me isolated from the group though because I don't relate as well. I just have been feeling so alone lately because everyone has somebody but me. And I'm also really picky on who I like. What if no one ever comes into my life? I know this probably sounds weird but I've just been feeling so lonely, isolated, and honestly depressed? I cant even seem to grasp where its coming from. But I've tried my best to be supportive and give good advice. Especially because now some of them are running into trouble with their rebounds.

No your not a prude. You have your values and they have theirs. My mother would have said; "Just because Jane jumped of the Brooklyn Bridge, does it mean you have to as well." Meaning what works for Jane does not have to work for you.

You have your own values, your own likes and dislikes. This is what makes the world go around. Frankly if we were all copies of each other the world would be a very boring place.

So you don't jump into bed with each guy you meet and you never jump into bed on the first date or even the second or third date. This does not make you a prude or a bad person. The fact that Jane does should not earn her a label of being easy either or a bad person.

Frankly in this day and age labels such as easy and prude or prudish based on when a women will have sex with someone is plain wrong. We all have our sexual needs. Some of us are more willing to satisfy those needs in a more free spirited way others are not as free spirited and need a more loving relationship. This happens to effect both men and women for those that want and need a more loving relationship they are more willing to take are of their sexual needs themselves until a loving relationship happens to them.

Why we call men who hop from bed to bed, "Studs" and women who do the same "easy" is beyond me. What happened to the free spirit of the sexual liberation of the 60's.

As for the way you feel today. That is normal after ending a relationship. You need to have a pity party then get back out there and find some one new. Once again to quote my mother; "rebate your hook and go fishing." "There are plenty of fish in the sea and there is one out there with you name on him." "You just have to keep fishing until you catch him."

Don't change a thing about yourself for if you try it will be false and you won't like yourself for doing so. You are who you are and you have values which math you goals and needs. You are the perfect woman for a man, he is out there you just have to find him and you will.

I'm 15 and have 38 D breasts and I cant get them to have the effect of a push up bra. (They don't round at the top and they don't go touch together.) It annoys me so much!! My friend has 34 A breasts and hers do exactly what I want mine to do. How can I get them to have that cleavage 'effect'?

Razhie's advice is exactly what you need to do.

My cousin is a VP for a major National Brand of women's undergarments. His advice is to call a major department or specialty store in your area and find out when they will have a fitter from one of the manufactures in your area. Most major department stores have their own fitters that travel from store to store and work by appointment.

If there is a bra out there to give you the effect you want the fitter will find one for you. He also said don't be surprised if you find out you're wearing the wrong size bra. Most women who have never been properly fitted usually are.

My advice is to call the major department store in the mall nearest you and make an appointment to be properly fitted.

I have a relative who is a complete drama queen. My family are private people but we make an effort to stay in touch and try to get together for the holidays. In her eyes it isn't enough! She got upset when she ran into my sister at the supermarket and my sister didn't have much to report. What was she supposed to say? She along with the rest of the family live pretty ordinary lives.

My relative also believes my family is part of a cult and she's been telling lies about my family to our other relatives, saying we've been making her life torment for years and my parents have been shielding their kids from her. They believe her. It's weird. I don't remember my relative being a part of my life when I was a kid. Then when I became a teenager, she suddenly wanted to be my mom or something (my relative doesn't have kids). A couple of years ago, everyone was fine and we celebrated the holidays and had alot of fun. Then she calls us up during vacay and tells us to stop all communication. She sent back a holiday card we gave her. Witnessing her hatred, especially to my parents that I love, is really stressing me out.

On top of that she became friends with my best online friend on Facebook and I think she might be telling him lies about me or trying to get information about me to send back to her. He barely talks to me anymore. I feel like I've lost a trustworthy buddy. It's driving me crazy that there's this open drama. I'm both sad and angry and I can't call her up because it would only make things worse.

All that's happened is bringing up some bad memories for me in particular. She blamed me for something when I was a teenager and I almost committed suicide because I didn't realize how evil she could be. I've tried praying, meditating, and I don't have anyone to talk to (or no one wants to talk about it). I don't want to return to that dark road again. How do I deal?

There is not much you can do against someone like her unless you have substantiated proof she is saying these things to people and that what she is saying is malicious and libel. Then if you wish you can take Civil action in a Circuit Court for Slander and Defamation.

On this type of action you have to prove that her actions were deliberate, harmful and meant to do you a harm. It is one of the hardest cases to win. IF you saw an old movie called "Absence of Malice" you'll understand what I mean. If you haven't seen it try and find a copy. It is not only a good movie it will give you some incite to this cause of action. Just remember this is Hollywood's version.

It might be worth the cost of a Lawyer's fee to have a Lawyer send her a letter threatening legal action unless she stops these slanderous acts. If your only interest is to have her stop, not to be friends again, then this may work.

She may just be a busy body who cares not what she says as long as she can say something and keep everyone focused on her. When she is faced with the possibility of losing whatever worth she has accumulated. She may decide to pick on someone else.

My dad is SUCH a mean, inconsiderate jerk. I wish I'd written this last night because I'm dying for someone to give me advice right now. I also wish I could tell you
all about my family history, but I'll try to keep it short.

My granddad (mom's dad) is in the hospital right now and my dad's being a jerk about it. I grew up with my grandparents living about a block from my home. They were a part of our daily lives. They helped raise me and my sister and have done an awful lot for all of us that we should be grateful for, as has my mom's entire family basically.

After my grandmother died, my sister and I were grown and she had moved away, but I was still in town and helped my mom take care of my granddad daily. My dad hardly does anything. He gets mad at my mom because he says that she takes better care of my granddad than she does of him, which is a lie and hypocritical because he takes better care of his parents and niece than he does of us.

My granddad fell in his driveway on January 11 and hit his head so hard on the concrete that he was diagnosed with a cracked skull, a concussion, and bleeding around the brain. My mom and I took him to the doctor, who said he'd be fine as long as it didn't get any worse, but this past saturday night, he has headaches that indicated that it WAS getting worse. We took him to the emergency room and he was airlifted to a bigger hospital in a city about an hour away. It's not quite as bad as it sounds, but he is having surgery tomorrow to drain the blood that is
building up.

Saturday, my dad sat on his fat butt, ate, and watched tv while we were at the emergency room. When I came home just for a moment to get some things, I told him what was going on and he still just sat there. Later, when my mom and I came home to pack, preparing to stay in the city that my granddad's hospital is in until we knew what was going to be done about his condition, my dad STILL just sat there and didn't come with us. Saturday night, all day sunday, and most of monday went by and all we got from him were a few texts. He didn't visit and he didn't even call to talk to us in person. He couldn't even pretend to care. Monday, he finally visited, but only because he was in town anyway to help a friend of his with something.

We got home yesterday and my parents invited me out to dinner. We went out and my dad, who was the one who WANTED to go out, was in a bad mood. He talked rudely and hatefully to us, so I stopped trying to pretend that I wasn't mad at him like I'd been doing for the sake of getting through thd dinner. Then, he asked how late I stayed up the previous night. It's like he thinks he's so amazing that the only logical explanation for how I could ever be mad at him is if I was tired, on my period, or someone poisoned me against him.

Then tonight, after I'd encouraged my mom to tell my dad how she felt, they had a HUGE fight that, lucky for me, I got to be there for. It was horrible. My dad started screaming at her for things that were not all that relevant to what was happening. My dad unjustly accused her and her family of things he has no right to accuse them of. Basically he just had a big pity party because he knew he was wrong, but has always been too egotistical to admit it, or at least that's what I think.

He accused my mom and her family of things, probably in an attempt to make excuses for why he hasn't been there for my granddad, but everything accusation he made were things that his own family has done and done worse. My mom's family treats him like a blood relative. They're more generous to him than he could ever repay them for and my uncle even paid for him to go to the Master's with hi. My dad's family leaves me and my mom out all the time. They plan things around our schedule, not to make sure we CAN come, but to make sure we CAN'T. However, can't say anything to him about it because he'll get mad and defend them. He advised my engaged sister to hold her tongue about her problems with her future in laws because that's what he wants my mom to do for him and what he feels is right. He's alright with his relatives treating his wife and daughters like scum, just not with us saying anything about it. However, He's constantly saying bad things about my mom's family.

My dad's sense of right and wrong is very distorted. I'm sick of him being a hypocrite and I'm sick of him being mean and thoughtless to us and our extended family, especially my mom. Does anyone have any good advice?

It is unfortunate that your father is the way he is. While I cannot explain why he is like this I can understand why you feel the way you do for your father sounds a lot like my dad did.

About ten years before his death he finally cast the proverbial straw that broke the camels back by hurting my wife, verbally. From that point forward I wrote him out of my life. I wrote him and told him he was wrong and until he apologized I wanted nothing further to do with him and why. I included everything I could remember he ever did that wronged me all the way back to childhood; including things he stole from me.

I knew he would never apologize for he was a very much what your dad sounds like. He was always right. It was his way or the highway never anyway else, with family. My father also suffered from depression though since he was never wrong he would never admit to it so getting treatment was not an option.

I can't say why exactly your father feels as he does towards your mothers family or why his family treats you and your mom they way they do. Obviously it is something he says to them. As for your moms family he may feel that all the help they gave your family that they either saw him as a failure or he just couldn't provide for his family to their standards. If the latter is how feels then he too may suffer from depression.

I see a bit of a controlling influence in him from what you have written. Being controlling is also part of the depression.

What can you do about this. Probably nothing to change him. For yourself if you want you can do as I did and cut him from your life. It sounds like you don't live with mom and dad so cutting him from your life is possible. It seems from what you have written his family doesn't care one-way or the other about you and your mom. So all you really need to do is be supportive of your mom.

The best thing you can do for yourself though is to have a few sessions with a psychologist. To be able to talk one on one with someone who I'm sure can offer better advice in a better setting than I or any of us can. I believe you would benefit greatly from this for getting this anger off your chest in a proper manner and setting will be helpful.

If your employer has and EAP program, most companies that have Health Insurance do. The EAP program will find a pay for a specific number of visits with the psychologist, which is all you should need.

I have been dating a guy not very long. He was working at a pizza place. He quit because he has an interview for a better job. I have been buying his ciggeretes and some other stuffs. I have bought gift cards he got for christmas off of him so he could have cash. He reward my kids good. But he hates the world hes racist. Pretty bad i feel a conection with him like we are meant to be together we have more good things than bad. I also have a friend i was talking to before him we became really good friends and we meet online hadnt meet but can just talk about everything ( the friend ) ive been seperated since july im not divorced yet bc i had to wait 6 Months of living in a new state. If you can tell i have a lot on my mind and im not coping well. Any advice would help please

I will be more succinct than the previous writer has been. Given the fact that you are recently separated and moving towards divorce and given your age as well. I believe for several reasons you should not be in any type of relationship at this time.

Reasons:
1. Anyone going through a divorce is going through a time of great upheaval and turmoil in their lives. They are looking for a lifeboat to in effect latch on to too steady their lives. Good judgment does not prevail at these times.

You also state that this person is a racist and hates the world. It could be you are jumping from the frying pan to the fire.

2. You are going through a divorce. No matter how civil you may have agreed to be in agreeing to a separation. Once the lawyers get involved and you both should have and will need your own separate lawyers. Things will get complicated. Child custody is always a big issue in a divorce where children are concerned.

The old doubled standard comes to bear during child custody hearings. His lawyer will try to prove you and unfit mother. While it is okay for him to have a new girlfriend or have many dates. You as the mother of his children will be expected to be more virginal than a nun during the separation and divorce proceeding. Going out and having dates, leaving the children in the care of baby sitters will be used against you. The lifeboat you are looking for can have enough holes in it to cause you to be doing more bailing than enjoying the safety it should be providing.

3. Then there are the children themselves. They too need some stability in their lives. Bringing a new man into their lives at this time is not what they need. In your case you have taken them from their father and moved them to a new state. Away from friends, family and possibly school. This is a lot of upheaval for children to take in. We tend to believe children roll with the punches, especially young children. They don't, they manifest what they feel in many different ways. It could be nightmares, bedwetting, and just plain poor behaviors.

You need to provide the extra security they need by being there with them when you are not working. You in effect need to put your life on hold until their lives are on solid footings. This works in your favor when the fight for custody comes to pass. Which I'm sure will come to pass.

So my to better coping is. You do not need a new man in your life right now, especially a racist. This can only work against you when the custody hearings come to be. Make sure you have a good lawyer of your own to handle the divorce. Most divorce lawyers are aware that the wife has little or no money and work on a small or no retainer and are paid after settlement, usually by the husband or out of your settlement.

Your soon to be ex has responsibilities to his children until they reach age 18. These include child support, having life insurance sufficient to cover the child support and medical insurance for them. If through marriage your life style was improved then you may be entitled to alimony as well. A lawyer can explain how this works. So make sure to have your own lawyer.

21/f

My boyfriend and his friends keep talking about going somewhere for spring break. His friend (who I am very close to) said "you can't come unless you bring two girls for me & (the other friend)" I don't know if he was joking or not?! & then my boyfriend made a comment about how he doesn't think he'll have enough money for both of us to go.. & i said of course i'll pay for myself. & he said no (he pays for everything)

I wouldn't care about going somewhere with them on spring break. But, its me and my boyfriends 2 year anniversary like that same week.

don't you think we should spend that time together?

i don't care about him going on vacations with out me.. but it's just the fact it's our anniversary. am i wrong? i feel like this is justified.

agree with the others; the timing is lousy though there is nothing you can do about that. I also think if you are the only female on the trip you are going to have a lousy spring break as you will be left out of most of what they will be doing. Which if I remember correctly is staying drunk and being obnoxious. The reason I say, “If I remember correctly," is for that is how I and most guys spend spring break.

I suggest as the others have that you let him go off with his friends for spring break. Celebrate your anniversary after; give him something to remind him what he is coming home to. A romantic dinner out or maybe you can cook a meal and then a romantic evening just the two of you.

I have a religious family. I'm Gay and My family knows but pretend it's not there. I'm 22 years old and the guy I date is 33years old. I want my family to meet him. But, I'm afraid that my family wouldn't want to have anything to deal with me anymore after I tell them that i'm gay and officially in a relationship with a guy. My grandparents are my pastors and i'm not sure what to do. I can't help that i'm gay it's not a choice. I have tried to change whom I am. Plenty of times and Nothing has changed. I haven't seen my family for about 2 close to 3 months now. I have a niece who is 4years old and is my world and my nephew is almost a year old and he is my world. I'm not sure who to turn too and who would be there for me when they disown me. I need HELP!!! PLEASE ANYONE!!! :/ I Can't do this. I just want them to love me no matter what. I love them so much and i'm not sure what to do. Please. I Have realized I want them to meet the person i'm in love with and who I really care about. advice please!:)

The following link may be able to help you more than I can. It is the website for LGBT which stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender. They have support groups throughout the country. By clicking on this link: http://lgbt-support.meetup.com/ you will be taken to their group locator page. Enter the information asked for and find a group near you.

You are not the first gay man to have this problem. I'm sure within this group you will find not only companionship and friendship but the support you are looking for as well as answers as to how to tell you family and retain their love and support.

You are also correct that being gay was not a choice. It is how you were born. It was not something caused by mom or dad during conception or gestation it is what you are. Medical science now believes this and no longer tries to cure gays and lesbians but tries to help them get comfortable with who they are.

The hardest people to explain this to though are the ultra religious as they believe the bible is the word of god and anything contrary to what is in the bible is wrong or against god's wishes. If I want to take issue with that then I would take another passage from the bible that says we are all made in gods image.

If I take that as written then is god man or women? Going further what is color of gods skin? What is gods sexual preference? Now you might ask from these questions if I am an atheist? No I consider myself an agnostic. I do not believe in organized religion but I do believe in a higher power. I also question a lot of things especially that which I don't understand including some of the science that is proving some of what is in the bible to be false.

Why am I telling you this? To support my statement and your belief that their is nothing you can do to change who you are. Your sexual identity was given to you at conception, this I believe so stop tormenting yourself and enjoy the life you have.

Hello!
I'm 14(freshman)/f and I need help. I have my school's formal this Friday after finals. I'm going with my boyfriend and a few friends. I already got my dress and shoes (a black dress, black flats with a gold buckle) and I have NO IDEA what to do for hair and make-up (this is my first formal.)

I would love some help:
My hair is shoulder blade/mid-back length, brown/auburn very wavy naturally. (it looks good straight or curly, can't decide. Leaning towards straight)

I have a tan complexion and little to No acne.

I have 'very pretty' hazel eyes.
Would smoky-eye look good?

I have no idea, Please help!! Thanks :)

I'm probably the wrong person to answer this question as one I'm male and two I'm old enough be your grandfather.

As for make-up. I might be a little old fashion but I think this is something you and your mom need to discuss. At 14 I believe you are too young to be using make-up. For a formal night out at school I think a little lip gloss and maybe a bit of light eye make-up would be in order. To my mind young girls like you should not need any make up unless you have a skin condition to hide. Young girls your age usually have bright skin that does not require make-up.

As for your hair. Here again I'm old fashion though this is in your favor. Since this is your first formal if I was your dad. I would be willing to spring for a trip to the hair salon for a professional hair job. In fact in exchange for no make-up or minimal make-up based on moms judgment I think this would be an excellent trade off.

Run my suggestion by mom and dad and see what they say.

I suffer from insomnia and seriously don't want to live any more. Will an overdose of Nitrazepam help?

I researched the information on this drug and found out a few things about it. First overdosing with this drug will make you really sick, you may get a good long sleep but you won't kill yourself with it. Second this drug is not available in the U.S. which tells me you're from another Country. I would like to know which one so I can offer you some help.

I realize insomnia is a very painful thing to have. The inability not to get a good nights rest affects us in many different ways. One way is by effecting our good judgment and doing something irrational such as your contemplating.

Rather than contemplate suicide, which will not help your insomnia. Please pick up a phone and dial 911 or the emergency number for the country you live in. Tell the call taker you are thinking of overdosing on pills and why. Help will be sent to you.

Different doctors have different plans of treatment for this illness. If one doctors plan is not working find another doctor. There is a doctor out there that that can help you. You just have to find him or her. There are specialist in sleep disorders find them.

Suicide is not an answer, it is the wrong solution that leaves behind a lot of hurt and unanswered questions.

<<< Previous Advice Column

Next Advice Column >>>