|
Confused and lost
I have a religious family. I'm Gay and My family knows but pretend it's not there. I'm 22 years old and the guy I date is 33years old. I want my family to meet him. But, I'm afraid that my family wouldn't want to have anything to deal with me anymore after I tell them that i'm gay and officially in a relationship with a guy. My grandparents are my pastors and i'm not sure what to do. I can't help that i'm gay it's not a choice. I have tried to change whom I am. Plenty of times and Nothing has changed. I haven't seen my family for about 2 close to 3 months now. I have a niece who is 4years old and is my world and my nephew is almost a year old and he is my world. I'm not sure who to turn too and who would be there for me when they disown me. I need HELP!!! PLEASE ANYONE!!! :/ I Can't do this. I just want them to love me no matter what. I love them so much and i'm not sure what to do. Please. I Have realized I want them to meet the person i'm in love with and who I really care about. advice please!:)
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Since you say they know but choose to pretend its not so by not discussing it, the fact is, they don't need to be told that you are gay, they simply need to be open to hearing you out. Most people fear and hide from that which is different from themselves, and always view anyone who isn't just like them as not being of the norm. So its going to be a process for most family members of gays who are coming out about it. I think the idea of seeking out the most supportive understanding family member to stand with you is a good thing. I have heard of churches who accept members who are gay, or have pastors who are gay and are on the whole, or are pretty much gay supportive with mostly gay members. Since your grandparents are pastors, I think it would be good if you are religious yourself, to find yourself a gay church or gay pastor. Let that pastor come to know you as a parishioner, and bring the pastor to meet your family and support your feelings and views if you can't find one family member who is open to it and accepting.
I think having a Gay pastor to speak to your family, especially from the standpoint of being on equal ground as far as religious knowledge is a favorable thing as far as getting a chance to be heard by all family including your Pastor grandparents. I think the biggest thing your family may have to deal with is how they will look in the eyes of any of the congregation to be found to have a child who is gay. That could be where they get hung up on this until they decide to accept you and be proud of you for who you are, and seeing this as part of who you are, not a choice you made. So many withhold their love and support. I have watched you tube videos made by gay people who show how they broke the news to family or got them to the point of listening to them. Perhaps just viewing the victories of other gay individuals will give you hope. As for springing a meeting of your sweetheart on the family before they have come at least to the point of tolerating the idea, is going to make things uncomfortable for your partner and he may not be willing to have to go through such an uncomfortable situation. As for the niece and nephew, check with your siblings if they don't mind you coming over to see them. Find out if they have no problem with you doing something special with them like taking them out for pizza, to the zoo or the park so that your sibling and their mate can have some romantic alone time with each other without kids around. Its a thoughtful thing and gives a particular reason for them to say yes if they are a bit hesitant.
Be patient cus it takes time for someone to go from their pre-concieved idea's of how things should be in their minds, to reality. Just for one moment, think...what if I had a choice which family I could be born into as a soul, and I chose this one cus I knew I was strong enough to bring about a change in each family member, with Gods help, where they experience some personal growth, becoming a little more like our Creator.
With as strongly as you love them, I have a feeling that eventually your love despite their biases, will win them over. Don't forget to pray for God and their angels to soften their hearts before you speak to them...that often does wonders in making someone more open, receptive and loving. The choice of course is yours, so if you just choose to show up with him to introduce him to the family, don't be upset if they aren't instantly receptive. If they aren't ready to accept you or don't know what to think of having a gay family member, how can they do any better being receptive of the boyfriend of their gay family member. I wish you had it as easy as my brother in law. He tried dating girls and brought em home to the parents at Christmas but then nothing. Eventually later in life, he wanted to bring bring his male partner over for Christmas, He lived in another state and so family didnt have much contact except for Christmas. So he told my mom in law first and her response was, "All I want is for my babies to be happy. If this is what makes you happy dear, I am all for it."
Difference is she wasn't highly religious but a very open minded person.
You don't know ahead of time that they would disown you or whether if they did they would change their minds at some point. So don't dwell on it, fearing it and letting that hold you back from living your life and enjoying it. Perhaps you will have all if not some family members be loving and supportive. Worst case scenerio, if your family rejects you, or disowns you as you say, we can choose our friends and choose who becomes our extended, and adopted family, surrounding yourself with truly loving supportive family of a different sort. Hope this helps give you some cheer.
]
At a time such as this, it's easy to get depressed and forget the positive things. Like how you're a beautiful person in a relationship that's going so well you want to share it with your family. That's big.
As for advice, I would try to think of the most understanding person in your family. Go to them about being in a relationship and ask them to help you tell other family members. I think it may be easier this way. I would talk about the man you're seeing, build him up in your family members minds (the understandable ones, at least), before introducing him. People naturally have unconditional love for family members, so people in your family should accept you. You are right, however, to fear that they might not as there are those few exceptions where people are less inviting. Know that in this case, it's the family members that are in the wrong and need to change, not you.
]
The following link may be able to help you more than I can. It is the website for LGBT which stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender. They have support groups throughout the country. By clicking on this link: [Link](Mouse over link to see full location) you will be taken to their group locator page. Enter the information asked for and find a group near you.
You are not the first gay man to have this problem. I'm sure within this group you will find not only companionship and friendship but the support you are looking for as well as answers as to how to tell you family and retain their love and support.
You are also correct that being gay was not a choice. It is how you were born. It was not something caused by mom or dad during conception or gestation it is what you are. Medical science now believes this and no longer tries to cure gays and lesbians but tries to help them get comfortable with who they are.
The hardest people to explain this to though are the ultra religious as they believe the bible is the word of god and anything contrary to what is in the bible is wrong or against god's wishes. If I want to take issue with that then I would take another passage from the bible that says we are all made in gods image.
If I take that as written then is god man or women? Going further what is color of gods skin? What is gods sexual preference? Now you might ask from these questions if I am an atheist? No I consider myself an agnostic. I do not believe in organized religion but I do believe in a higher power. I also question a lot of things especially that which I don't understand including some of the science that is proving some of what is in the bible to be false.
Why am I telling you this? To support my statement and your belief that their is nothing you can do to change who you are. Your sexual identity was given to you at conception, this I believe so stop tormenting yourself and enjoy the life you have.
]
More Questions: |