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to much going on
I have been dating a guy not very long. He was working at a pizza place. He quit because he has an interview for a better job. I have been buying his ciggeretes and some other stuffs. I have bought gift cards he got for christmas off of him so he could have cash. He reward my kids good. But he hates the world hes racist. Pretty bad i feel a conection with him like we are meant to be together we have more good things than bad. I also have a friend i was talking to before him we became really good friends and we meet online hadnt meet but can just talk about everything ( the friend ) ive been seperated since july im not divorced yet bc i had to wait 6 Months of living in a new state. If you can tell i have a lot on my mind and im not coping well. Any advice would help please
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Want to answer more questions in the Health & Fitness category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
I will be more succinct than the previous writer has been. Given the fact that you are recently separated and moving towards divorce and given your age as well. I believe for several reasons you should not be in any type of relationship at this time.
Reasons:
1. Anyone going through a divorce is going through a time of great upheaval and turmoil in their lives. They are looking for a lifeboat to in effect latch on to too steady their lives. Good judgment does not prevail at these times.
You also state that this person is a racist and hates the world. It could be you are jumping from the frying pan to the fire.
2. You are going through a divorce. No matter how civil you may have agreed to be in agreeing to a separation. Once the lawyers get involved and you both should have and will need your own separate lawyers. Things will get complicated. Child custody is always a big issue in a divorce where children are concerned.
The old doubled standard comes to bear during child custody hearings. His lawyer will try to prove you and unfit mother. While it is okay for him to have a new girlfriend or have many dates. You as the mother of his children will be expected to be more virginal than a nun during the separation and divorce proceeding. Going out and having dates, leaving the children in the care of baby sitters will be used against you. The lifeboat you are looking for can have enough holes in it to cause you to be doing more bailing than enjoying the safety it should be providing.
3. Then there are the children themselves. They too need some stability in their lives. Bringing a new man into their lives at this time is not what they need. In your case you have taken them from their father and moved them to a new state. Away from friends, family and possibly school. This is a lot of upheaval for children to take in. We tend to believe children roll with the punches, especially young children. They don't, they manifest what they feel in many different ways. It could be nightmares, bedwetting, and just plain poor behaviors.
You need to provide the extra security they need by being there with them when you are not working. You in effect need to put your life on hold until their lives are on solid footings. This works in your favor when the fight for custody comes to pass. Which I'm sure will come to pass.
So my to better coping is. You do not need a new man in your life right now, especially a racist. This can only work against you when the custody hearings come to be. Make sure you have a good lawyer of your own to handle the divorce. Most divorce lawyers are aware that the wife has little or no money and work on a small or no retainer and are paid after settlement, usually by the husband or out of your settlement.
Your soon to be ex has responsibilities to his children until they reach age 18. These include child support, having life insurance sufficient to cover the child support and medical insurance for them. If through marriage your life style was improved then you may be entitled to alimony as well. A lawyer can explain how this works. So make sure to have your own lawyer.
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When it comes to relationships, the sooner a woman gets in touch with her self, her needs and wants and is able to discover what her own hopes and dreams are, her beliefs, her morals, her talents, her weaknesses, her strengths, her hobbies, her goals are, then she will be able to become a strong confident woman who knows what she needs and wants, and won't settle for less, or for a man trying to change her and model her into something else. Stay true to yourself and all you stand for. Once you can do all that without a man, then you may go looking for a mate, not before then as you'll be too weak minded without any particular direction you're headed in and you're more likely to end up with a guy who is not the best person for you and will somehow prevent you or keep you from becoming all you can be.
Now, on the other hand, if you listen to my advice a learn how to be strong and confident and know what you stand for and are pursueing it, then it is safe to add a man into your life. For you will be able to determine if that man has similar hopes and dreams, if he is the kind of man who will accept you as you are, not try to change you, he will support and uphold all you are trying to be, the support comes in encouragement, financially, helping with tasks and schedules so you have the time to devote to what you are best at, he is loving and caring towards all people, has unconditional love for his woman etc. Until I really learned to love myself and do what was right for my mental, emotional, and physical welfare, I was in a bad place with lots on my mind, an abusive marriage and I had to decide to leave. I was not going to jump from the frying pan into the fire and date any guy I could find, I could not settle for a different version of "negative traits" from what i had before. Don't settle for less. Always look for someone much better. If you are unable to work on yourself as I did and achieve some personal changes and growth and healings, you will not be able to attract a whole healthy man who will treat you like a Queen. You will find you seem to attract guys as bad as the ex. How many times has a woman asked, How come I keep running into and getting hooked up with jerks? Because something crucial hasn't changed in her yet. Until she learns what it is that needs to change and what she needs to learn, her future success with men isn't going to be much better than with the [Link](Mouse over link to see full location). I am not trying to make you sound like a messed up person. I just know this because I went through it. I only wished I had learned sooner and didnt need to stay with the 1st guy 30 yrs to learn. If you have any other specific thing you want addressed, perhaps I can give you more specific advice. Other than that, this is the best I can tell you.
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