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Am I too prude?
I am a 23 year old college student. I've been in 3 relationships that lasted longer than 6 months and the most recent one that ended lasted 4 years. I've had sex with two of my boyfriends and I know I enjoy it and what not. Ive had guys besides that who I would make out with and sometimes we'd go a little further but not all the way to sex.
The problem is I have seen a couple of my friends end long relationships recently and almost immediatly after jump into new things, as in relationship type things and one night stands. (Not really sure what to call them) Its making me feel really weird inside because they always were a lot like me and I never thought of them as "easy". I suddenly have been questioning if im going about this the wrong way and if I put myself out there more and was more willing to do the dirty then if that would make me less lonely.
My last break up was really difficult on me and the problem is the string is not completely cut. He still comes to me for advice and is still someone who I keep in contact with. I know this may be a bad idea. But I really enjoy having him in my life as a friend and it feels like we are good at setting boundaries.
I guess this is more like a rant...but I just feel like maybe my moral code is off and I should adjust with times. I just don't see how I could get with someone I barely know. Or who takes me on one date. I feel like it may be making me isolated from the group though because I don't relate as well. I just have been feeling so alone lately because everyone has somebody but me. And I'm also really picky on who I like. What if no one ever comes into my life? I know this probably sounds weird but I've just been feeling so lonely, isolated, and honestly depressed? I cant even seem to grasp where its coming from. But I've tried my best to be supportive and give good advice. Especially because now some of them are running into trouble with their rebounds.
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Adviceman pretty much said all I would have said, probably even better.
But I do want to say that having your standards and 'being picky' is not a bad thing. Its the first step to finding what you are looking for. Don't lower your standards or feel you have to be less picky if you get any opposition of comments on that.
In searching for a 2nd husband, I was on a dating site. I listed exactly what I was looking for in a man...my list was very specific, very picky. Many guys wrote me that I was too picky and would never find a guy if I didn't lower my unrealistic standards.
I ignored them. It paid off. I met the right guy. Although in his first letter he stated points off my list of where he didn't think he met my requirements exactly...but he was perfect. I wrote him back immediately and we going on 5 yrs of marriage.
So stick with it dear.
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No your not a prude. You have your values and they have theirs. My mother would have said; "Just because Jane jumped of the Brooklyn Bridge, does it mean you have to as well." Meaning what works for Jane does not have to work for you.
You have your own values, your own likes and dislikes. This is what makes the world go around. Frankly if we were all copies of each other the world would be a very boring place.
So you don't jump into bed with each guy you meet and you never jump into bed on the first date or even the second or third date. This does not make you a prude or a bad person. The fact that Jane does should not earn her a label of being easy either or a bad person.
Frankly in this day and age labels such as easy and prude or prudish based on when a women will have sex with someone is plain wrong. We all have our sexual needs. Some of us are more willing to satisfy those needs in a more free spirited way others are not as free spirited and need a more loving relationship. This happens to effect both men and women for those that want and need a more loving relationship they are more willing to take are of their sexual needs themselves until a loving relationship happens to them.
Why we call men who hop from bed to bed, "Studs" and women who do the same "easy" is beyond me. What happened to the free spirit of the sexual liberation of the 60's.
As for the way you feel today. That is normal after ending a relationship. You need to have a pity party then get back out there and find some one new. Once again to quote my mother; "rebate your hook and go fishing." "There are plenty of fish in the sea and there is one out there with you name on him." "You just have to keep fishing until you catch him."
Don't change a thing about yourself for if you try it will be false and you won't like yourself for doing so. You are who you are and you have values which math you goals and needs. You are the perfect woman for a man, he is out there you just have to find him and you will.
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What your friends are doing is normal.
What you are doing is normal.
Lay off yourself, and lay off others.
You are being judge-y and slut shame-y - not just of your friends, but of yourself. Relax. You don't need to 'change with the times' and your friends aren't 'easy'. You are all intelligent young women making choices about sex, relationships and their own bodies. Some of those choices you are going to regret, and some you wont.
Will jumping into bed make you feel less lonely? Maybe.
Will you learn something about yourself? Maybe.
Regret it? Maybe.
Have fun? Maybe.
Will you get hurt? Probably. Most relationships end, and when that happens, at least one party tends to get hurt.
Your moral code isn't 'off'. Neither is your friends. You are all just figuring your shit out. Some of you will do that in bed with others. Some of you wont. Either way will probably work.
The best thing you can do is talk about this with people. Don't further isolate yourself by being so hard on yourself, or others. It's okay to feel lonely, and to question your choices. There will always be paths not taken, but you can't beat yourself up over that. Let yourself be honest and vulnerable with your friends, and let them be supportive and give advice as well. You don't have to be on the same path as they are to support one another.
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