|
Do I let my kids spend time with their mother?
Let me first start by giving you a little back ground information. My ex wife became pregnant when she was 20 and I was 19. Even though it was earlier than we both expected to become parents, we were thrilled and so excited to start our family together. We got married shortly after she gave birth to our son Matt. Soon after that, we had another son, and then a daughter. From my perspective, everything was great. That's why I was so blindsided when my wife came to me 9 months after our daughter was born claiming she wasn't ready to settle down and be a mother with divorce papers in her hand. Almost overnight, I became a 23 year old single father with a 4 year old, 2 year old, and a 9 month old. After the divorce was final, I rarely heard from my ex wife. She had begun living a life that I didn't necessarily approve of filled with drugs and alcohol and, while I wanted to keep my children as far away from that as possible, she was their mother and I didn’t feel like I could entirely keep them away from her. The last straw, however, came when I let my daughter, Alyssa, (who was 6 at the time) stay with her when I took my sons on a hunting trip. I was supposed to pick her up at noon the Sunday we got back. I spent the entire afternoon calling my ex wife’s apartment with no answer. At 5 that afternoon, I finally just went over to her house where I found her front door wide open and her passed out on the couch from mixing a few too many drugs with alcohol. Her neighbor came over to the apartment and told me that my ex wife had taken Alyssa out one night and come home completely plastered. Thank god her neighbor had woken up and decided to take Alyssa back to her apartment. And this is just one example of many. After that, I told my ex wide that I didn’t want her to see our kids anymore which devastated her so much she entered rehab. She got clean and for the past ten years has seen the kids a few times despite my hesitance. My kids and I have been living a great life together away from my ex wife. A few years ago I began dating another woman whom I am now engaged too. She gets along great with my kids and is an amazing person who I know will be a good influence on my kids’ lives. My oldest son Matt is now in college, but Colton (my middle son) and Alyssa still live with me. Since I have become engaged, my ex wife has become crazy about spending time with the two of them. She wants them at her house every weekend and doesn’t want my fiancé to parent them at all. She is trying to tell my daughter all kinds of lies about why she left, and how I am a horrible person for trying to keep them from seeing her. She tells her that the entire thing was my fault and all kinds of horrible rumors about my fiancé, who went to high school with my ex wife. She has asked both of my kids to move in with her. Colton told her absolutely not, but Alyssa is confused about the whole situation and doesn’t know what she should do. I have full custody of them so essentially it is my choice about whether or not she can see them. I don’t want to take them away from my ex wife, but I don’t want to lose them myself. I am still worried that she will resort back to her old ways and put my kids in danger like she has their whole lives. Am I right to not let my daughter move in with her mom?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Domesticity category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Parenting?
After reading this i can not figure out how old your daughter is now? i think you need to trust what you feel inside you need to explain to Alyssa that your ex wife is worried that you will start calling your fiance mother. You should explain to her you would really like her to continue living with you. and sugest her telling her mother that she will always be her mother no matter whom you decide to marry i feel your daughter will under stand.
]
I agree with DangerNerd. Your daughters confusion is to be expected. A child psychologist would be helpful as this would be someone she could talk to in confidence. Someone that could help her see things in the proper perspective.
If your ex wife could not be a mother to 3 infants being a mother to 2 teenagers is something she is not prepared for either. Under no circumstances should you allow your daughter to move in with her mother.
Your ex does not know how to be a mother and is most likely curring favor with your daughter by being a friend not a mother. This is part of the confusion your daughter is seeing.
This is something that is seen all to often by children who has an absent parent. A parent who now whats a relationship. Please stand your ground for the benefit of your daughter.
]
Hi there,
Before I get into my thoughts on the matter, let me take a second to say THANK YOU for being so considerate of your daughter's feelings in all of this as well as the feelings of your ex. This is very commendable.
Now, as tempting as it is at this point to want to give your daughter some decision making power here, you simply MUST do the hard thing and, as kindly as you can, explain to your daughter that it would be a bad idea for her to live her mom.
May I humbly suggest that counseling wouldn't hurt here? Your daughter has been put through the wringer by her mother, who, apparently, will say anything to make herself feel better about what she has done with her life.
I have seen this play out many times over, and because each parent has something different to say, the child is confused about everything. This usually ends up making them feel extremely insecure about everything in their life. If you don't do something to help with those feelings of insecurity, well, they will usually lead to very bad places that you wouldn't want your child ending up in.
A third party can help a lot. A trusted party, with the child's best interest at heart. If you have a pastor that you trust, that might be a good starting place.
Before I forget: No matter WHAT else you do, try not to vilify the mother when talking with your child. When she is old enough, this should all be really obvious to her... but for now, she needs one parent who isn't a vengeful lunatic who will say mean things about the other. Let that parent be you.
As for your ex-wife not wanting the new wife to parent the children she abandoned... Well isn't that just tough? You walk away from your kids... it is over. You don't get to parent them anymore, and you have ZERO say in who else might do the parenting you ran away from.
That brings something to mind: The fact that she is saying all these vile things about you and your new wife is absolute and irrefutable proof that she doesn't have her child's best interest at heart. She is manipulating her child to get what her to do what she (your ex) wants from life.
For me, that settles it. See if you can get your daughter some counseling if she can't see what her mother is doing. Left unresolved, these feelings her mother has made in her will hurt her all through her life.
I wish you the best.
]
Stand fast! It sounds like Mom is more interested in being a playmate rather than a parent. Your children don't need a playmate who will fill their heads with lies. I recently visited a newly remarried friend. She married a guy who had raised 5 kids after mom walked out. The kids are getting older (youngest in college) and they see clearly what's up and all that dad did. Alyssa is just not old enough to see the truth of things.
]
I understand your ex's issues. Its hard to see another woman come in and make a connection with the kids you neglected for so long. You both need to sit down with her (invite a 4th party to help if you think you all can't be civil) and ask what her concerns are, and express yours. You all need to find a way to come to a place where you can ALL be active, supportive parts of the kids' lives. You guys should be thinking of it as a partnership, not a battle. So how can you help each other (yes, that's right, how can you help your ex and she help you) be better parents. As for moving the kids...that's a bad idea. Just think about what it would do to your daughter to uproot her from everything she's known her whole life and move her with a woman who is only now getting it together and spending more time with the kids. No, your instincts are right on this. You must stand your ground for what is right for your kids, even (and this is important) if the KIDS say they want to move. You have a responsibility to do what's right, not what's popular. That being said, there's no reason you can't work out a regular visitation schedule that works for everyone. The key is consistency. If you need a lawyer to work it all out officially, get one. But make a schedule and stick to it. The more stability your kids have the better. Be sure your fiance can find a way to express to your ex that she LOVES your kids, and she doesn't want to replace their mother, she just wants to be a great stepmother. Your kids are blessed, indeed, to have so many people in their lives that care about them. Don't blow it by letting your fears of what might happen get in the way. They need their mother, so don't try to keep her away. But you know her issues, so work out a way to let them spend time with her on a regular basis without her being the main caretaker. If, over time, she proves herself to be trustworthy, you can decide on expanding the visits, if you desire. Good luck!
]
This is a duplicate question. You will find the copy with answers here:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
]
your 100% right! i would do the exact thing if i were you. your ex wife, has to understand that she lost the right to make any decisions for them the minute she walked out on them and she cant change that now. and honestly if what your saying is true about her saying all kind of bad things about you to you kids that just shows how much shes not ready to be a mum yet!.... i think you should keep your kids and all she can get is visits and sleep overs from time to time. and you need to sit with her and explain that she should spend her time learning how to be a good parent rather than filling their heads with lies and confusion. and you need to set some rules here if you want her in your kids lives. you have to make her understand that saying lies like that wont make her kids closer to her it will only make them upset and a good mum wouldnt do that. and tell him that you want her in their lives and no one can replace her shes their mum, and for that reason you are willing to be open to the idea of letting them stay longer periods only if she proved shes worth it and that she really grew up to be reasonable and a better person.
]
One of the worst things any parent could do to their child is to trash their other parent. This leaves the child alienated and stuck in the mess and not knowing who to believe. It is extremely damaging to a child's perception of relationships and self being. You have full custodial rights and you have more than enough documented reasoning behind it to back up your concerns. Your ex wife is also, by law, not allowed to talk bad about you and their future step mother so she is stirring up trouble for herself. It is important that your children have a relationship with their biological mother though, as long as it does not adversely affect them in a negative way. This is how the court system sees it as well. It is all in the best interest of the child. Your daughter might not be to the age to request the courts to see her mother, but if she were to do that and said you were keeping her from seeing her mother, that would be another mess that could cause major effects on your relationship with your daughter. I suggest you sit your son and daughter down and have a long talk with them. Explain to them that a lot of things that happened between their mother and you are things you do not want to go in detail about because you do not want to say negative things about their mother. Then make sure to let them know that you love them and you want what is best for them. Let them ask questions too. They must be extremely confused, especially after hearing the ridiculous comment your ex wife is saying. So letting them be honest with you about their concerns will help them get what is on their minds out there and allow you to have a chance to set things straight. This isn't a choosing game. These are your children and you have every right by law to protect them. If you feel in your heart, that them seeing their mother will harm them, then you must do what you feel is best. But make sure to allow you children to talk to you and not keep their feelings about this inside. Their mother is being immature and damaging. So if you are the bigger person and in a vague way, without explaining in gory details why she does not have custody of them, you can explain your concerns and listen to theirs, then you will not lose your children. I hope this helps!
]
Kids in between divorces is always a very hard situation. I believe that if your daughter is old enough to make a truely responsible decision than you guys should atleast meet a compromise on visiting. Ive seen this happen to many of my friends, the other parent will come back into their lives after years and try to give them perks and buy them over or tell them lies to get the kids to live with them. It is not right. If your daughter is about 16 or 17, I feel as though she would be mature enough to live with her mom and protect herself from the bad things. But everyone is different. And with a child in high school, partying is a huge influence and her mother may not really be strict or care what she does. I think you and your daughter should have a serious conversation, let her know what truely happened, and your concerns. Alyssa may not be mature enough to completely understand the whole situation, and you shouldn't let her make a decision until she truely does understand.
Its important that your kids do have a relationship with their mother though, and maybe you shouldn't let your daughter make the decision until she is of legal age, which is 18 where i live, to do so.
I hope I helped and good luck with everything.
]
Okay first, tell your ex that Alyssa is at a cross roads and feels like shes choosing between her mom and her dad. Thats not fair. Ask her to give Alyssa a year or two to thik about it properly, or at least get her bearings and then she cna have her. Explain your not necessarily against it and wuld love for alyssa to be able to see her mom more if it made her happy but say moving in is a big step and she needs more time to think. If Alyssa is truly adamant she wnats to live her mom suppourt her, and she'll love you no matter what. If things go pear shaped with her mom she knows where to find you, shes a big girl, reassure her your there for her if she needs someone ot talk to and a bed will always be open at your home for her. you have no real reason to think alyssas mom is unable to be a good mom now, just warn alyssa not to listen to too much rubbish and try and put it all behind her. tell alyssas mom, you'll be happy to let her stya just din't fill her head wiht false detail and ensure she will allow you to see alysaa whenever you like. Good luck. Its the kids choice but make sure your there for her no matter what and give her a year or two to think about it fully. Even a few months or weeks will do. It s abig step. good luck x
]
You are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT in keeping your daughter in your home.
The history that you just gave me sounds almost exactly like my life with a few minor detail changes; I was Alyssa. My mother was not on drugs but was an alcoholic. She started out with custody of me but when I nearly ended up in foster care my dad and grandparents swooped in and saved my life. While I was still in my teens my mother ended up marrying a man who a few years later was imprisoned for child molestation. My mother asked me when I turned 12 to return to her care. I had been living with my dad for over a year and was able to recognize that her lifestyle was less than desirable and chose to stay with my dad.
Because I was raised by my dad and grandparents my life has turned out quite lovely. I live in a very nice community, am an active member of a large church, have many respectable friends, have been married to a great man for almost 13 years and we have 3 awesome kids together. My husband is a professional with a master's degree and I am on the road to finishing my degree in nursing. If I had been raised by... THAT woman I cannot bear to think too hard about what my life could have turned out to be.
To this day my mother wants to have a relationship with my own kids. I look at it this way: If my mother was a stranger, or aquaintence even would I want her low-life, immoral, alcoholic self being a huge influence on my kids? No! So why would I let her be that influence just because she was my personal human incubator? She was never a mother to me. She did not teach me to love and have respect and be a productive member or society. It was my grandma who did that. The only lessons my mother taught me were the hard ones.
Your ex-wife should not get any more than an occasional supervised visit with your kids. You should have very open conversations with your kids (they are old enough now) allowing them to ask questinos and give them complete honest answers. This will help build trust and understanding between you and as they get older and more mature they will better understand who their mother is and what she is all about.
I was devastated when removed from my mom's care. I went into a terrible depression, cried all the time, and even suffered symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder at the age of 9 to 10. I have only about 5 memories of those 15 months of my life. Your daughter may be upset initially at not living with mom or seeing her too often or whatever your personal situation becomes. But as a survivor of that type of situation I can tell you that your daughter's quality of life will likely be much better the less influence her mother has on her.
Assuming your ex wife is in fact sober- good for her. But the fact that she is trying to control your kids by telling lies and spreading rumors means that she still has not grown up. She should be made clear that unless she can become more mature than the children- she cannot continue to have regular contact with them. Your kids are at ages (their teens) when they need to have intelligent, reliable, mature, "healthy" adults steering them through these hormonally emotional times. Not a woman who has never developed a firm grasp on reality telling childish lies to, under false pretenses, control others into doing what she wants done.
Your daughter may get sad and confused. This is going to have an affect on her for years to come. The best thing for her is to learn to make the adjustment with having a step mother. Especially if what you said is accurate- that your fiance is a great lady and will make a great mom. I had my grandma. That was the best thing ever. She died almost 5 years ago and that has been incredibly difficult as my "mom" is no longer around to give me advice and recipes and play with my kids and go shopping like we used to do. If your daughter can form a bond with your new wife she will be much better off than ANYTHING she would get with her own mother.
So your main question "am i right to NOT let my daughter move in with her mom?" You are 110% correct. You should NOT let her move. You should protect her FROM her mother and do not give in. You have been a great dad to her for all these years and you are all she needs- with perhaps a little extra love and support from your new wife. Keep the incubator out of it.
And feel free to contact me if you need to discuss anything else regarding this situation.
]
Wow, ohkay so...
First of all, I think you are completely right and i completely agree with you not letting them be around their mother and her old habits.
I agree completely, and what she did to your daughter, was completely irresponsible, and something really bad could've happened!
But if they are happy with you and your new fiance, then i would just let them stay there, if your ex wife has changed, then maybe instead of them living with her, you could start slow and let them see her every other weekend, or maybe after school a few days of the week. That way it doesn't get out of hand.
My parents were never married, they had me at age 16 & 17. My mother left my real dad (i have no problem with that WHAT-SO-EVER!) when i was 2, and started dating this really nice guy. (who i now call Dad, because he was there for me from the start, and my biological dad NEVER was!) But anyhow, I guess he used to tell me bad things about my mom and her boyfriend, and i believed him and it ruined everything so my mom made my real dad quit calling and all of that.
So if your ex is making up stories, and lies, tell her that she will NOT see her kids if she keeps saying things like that. And a good idea would be, to ask YOUR KIDS what they think. Dont try to persuade them either way. Tell them the FACTS, what really happened, what is happening and then let THEM decide, if they want to live with their mother (they probably wont pick her) or if they want to see her sometime, or if they want to completely avoid her for now.
Good Luck!
]
It is obvious that you love your children and want what is best for them. It sounds like you have been a great dad and I commend you for taking on the responsibility of being a full time single parent. I can understand why you would be very worried about Alyssa going to live with her mother. It is interesting that your ex has taken so long to show any interest in her kids. I guess jealousy can make you do just about anything. My guess is that your ex doesn't really want the kids to live with her full time right now (if she truly did, she might have realized that before now). If my calculations are correct, your daughter must be about 16 years old? This is a difficult time in a girl's life when she is trying to figure out who she is and what the world is all about. It would be normal for her to want to develop a better relationship with her mother. She is curious and is looking for validation from someone who is important to her. Both parents are very important to a child. She already knows that you love her and now she wants to see if her mother really does. She is also looking for the truth. (And deep down I am sure she already knows what the truth is... but now she has some doubt about it) She doesn't want to believe that her own mother abandoned her. If I were you, I would support her in this decision... and yes, I would let her move in with her mother. I know you are scared of losing her... but I think you have a better chance of losing her if you don't let her do this. If you try to control her and make her stay with you, she might see this as proof that you have always been the "bad guy" and have always kept her from her mother. You need her to trust you and she needs to start making some of her own choices in life. In a couple years you won't be able to control what she does anyway. Even if you said "no" now, she might find a way to be with her mom and might run away to do this. I would suggest that you sit down with her and tell her that you love her and don't want her to leave; that you are worried that she might get hurt again. Tell her that you understand why she needs to do this, though, and you hope she knows that you are there for her; that she can come back home at any time she wants to. There are just certain things in life that we have to learn for ourselves. No amount of you telling her what happened and what probably will happen will change her mind. She is big enough to stand up for herself with her mother if she needs to. Realize that there will probably be a "honeymoon" phase when she goes to be with her mother. She may pull away from you temporarily. This is normal... and TEMPORARY. Her mother will probably give her things and do things with her for a while to make her think that everything is wonderful there. But unless she has drastically changed, the truth will soon surface. If possible, it would be good for her to find a way to have a decent realtionship with her mother now anyway. That will be important to her the rest of her life (just as her relationship with YOU will continue to be important to her for other reasons). She will decide to come back home to you (probably sooner than later). You and her will have a closer realationship than ever then. If you don't give her some choices in this matter, she will just be resentful and angry towards you.
I am sorry it took some time for me to answer this but I wanted to think about it instead of rushing into an answer. I know this must be difficult for you. Congratulations on your new marriage. Good luck with everything! I would be interested to know what you decide to do and would love to have an update later.
]
Yes you are right not to let your daughter move in with her mom.
I do believe that it is important for the two to bond together as there is most likely no bond, however, it must be done in steps. Allow 1 weekend visit for 3 months observe how things go. then increase it to two weekends per month.
Before that happens have a legalized document drafted. There has to be a conversation advising your ex that if she bashes your fiance these visits will not happen or will cease. She has no right to judge anyone by way of starting rumors. Judge ye not least you be judged. Now with that being said, it also means that you can't judge her either. If she has been clean then give her credit where credit is due. Trust me it's hard out there, especially to have gotten off of drugs. I have been there and done that.
If she is claiming to be a woman now as she wasn't when she walked away then allow her to be a woman and make sure she knows that it starts by not talking childishly about another woman as a result of jealousy, rage, hurt or anger. She has no one to be upset with but herself for the terrible decision(s) that she made!
I am praying for you and your family. I am very proud of you for being the man that you are and God is going to bless you, just trust in him. If you have not a relationship with him, I am asking that you please seek him for you and your family as you are the man and head of household and soon to be a husband. If God isn't first and the center of it, it will surely fail!
You have full custody for a reason, and that reason is because you are more responsible and you know what is best for your children. I would not let her move in with mom, but I would allow visitation on a temporary basis until you are comfortable with the care and welfare of your daughter. You have the power to determine the terms and conditions of the visitation, ensure that they are documented by an attorney legally, and that she signs them as well. It will need to be notarized. One of these terms must include: no mental anguish or tampering with your daughter. By talking about you and your fiance is very unhealthy to your daughter. Also NO DRUGS OR ALCOHOL is allowed around your dauther either. "I'll take a hell no for 5 thousand Alex"
Good luck dearheart, and remember: You are a man, a strong man.. and your fiance has found a great man. Take care of your family and follow your senses and spirit within your manhood. It has led you in the right way and path thus far! You are absolutely correct in NOT letting your daughter move in with her mom.
]
Um, I already answered this one - it's the 5th one I did. Not that my advice necessarily provided everything you were looking for, but it seems like you may not have read down that far. Take a look at my advice, and if you have any further questions, I'd be glad to try and offer some more ideas. Thanks!
]
I believe my original answer to your question is still the correct answer. From what you have written you are right to be concerned with allowing your youngest child to be cared for by her mother. Your oldest and middle child are old enough to make their own decision about this and it appears they have done so. The last paragraph of my original answer is what I feel the most important part of my advice to you is.
Original advice:
I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you have received and may continue to receive from others.
The problem as I see it is with your daughter who is the youngest of the three and rightfully confused and probably torn between which parent she thinks she need to be with. A child should never be put in this position and it is my feeling your ex should not have put your daughter in such a position. Your daughter probably very conflicted by this and I would not be surprised if you are not seeing some changes in behavior and school grades.
Should you be seeing the changes I have expressed then whether or not you allow you ex to have any type of custody is not the question? The question becomes how you help your daughter. The best help I can recommend in that type of situation would be seeking the help of a Child Psychologist. Someone from outside the family your daughter and younger son if need be can confide in without worry of hurting either mom or dads feelings. This is the problem they face when one parent asks them to choose them over the other. Children naturally love both parents and so not wanting to hurt one by choosing the other.
My advice to you for now is that since you have full legal custody you tell your wife that the custody arrangements will remain as they are for now. That custody will remain this way as long as she continues to trash you and your fiancé and until she is truthful to the children about why the two of you separated. Until then you will arrange for supervised daytime visitation twice a month. Once she has met these expectations then you and she will sit down and discuss any future changes in visitation or custody before talking with the children.
]
Am I right to not let my daughter move in with her mom?
ABSOLUTELY.
To be a parant is the most unselfish act an adult can do. I commend you as a great dad.
Your wife has been extremely irresponsible in the past and has betrayed your trust and the trust of your children. She had it all long ago and wants it back. You have moved on and you should embrace your new life with your fiance I can imagine she is wonderful and is great with your children. Your ex wife is in denial to think your o.k. with her unstable lifestyle. She is being maniplative with your daughter because she can influence her, due to her own immaturity to see her mother for what's she had been like in the past. You are going to have to make the decission for your daughter she is too confused to make good judgement. when she matures a little more she should be able to make a decision. When you marry your fiance she will be empowered to be responsible for your children over your wife there is nothing your ex can do about it. Your ex is hanging by a desparate thread of old age and loneliness she's getting scared, it's her own fault really. Take charge and look towards your daughters' safety & happiness with you & her step mum. This is a very serious dilemma so trust your instincts and go with it. keep your daughter home maybe she can visit on holidays and see for herself when she is old enough. I hope this is helpful. I wish you the very best for your family. The truth always prevails, so don't be too concerned about the rumours always tell the truth she will love you more for being honest.
]
I think you are absolutely right not to let your daughter live with her mom! Your daughter is probably going to resent you and blame you for hindering her relationship with her mother, but everything comes out in the wash, and in time she will thank you.
You probably already know this stuff, but I just want to call attention to a couple of things...
1. No matter how great a dad you have been, and how wonderful your fiance is, Alyssa has always longed for a relationship with her mother, and to save herself from the pain of abandonment, she has made excuses. No kid wants to accept the fact their parent is just too lazy or uncaring to put an effort into seeing them, so as a self-defense mechanism, they weave all kinds of fairy tales. This puts your ex at an advantage because all she has to do is show the smallest of interest and Alyssa is going to sop it up.
2. Teenagers have no concept of the idea of true love and friendship. They want to hear "yes" as much as possible, and they don't realize that it is usually the person who is telling them "no" and making them do the things they don't want to do that are their truest champions. This also puts you at a disadvantage because your ex is going to allow Alyssa to get away with things that would not fly with you. Alyssa, with her young mind, will think, "my mother understands me. She really loves me because she wants me to be happy."
3. Your ex is going to try to convince the kids that you love your fiance more than you love them. the only way to combat this is to do nothing, change nothing. You know it's not true, so don't play into it.
4. This kind of thing is going to go on for the rest of her life. Your ex is obviously a very selfish person who will have no problem using her kids to accomplish her own agenda. It's best to let Alyssa realize this. Don't try to shelter her. One day, Alyssa is going to want a husband and a family, and I promise you that your ex will try to ruin that for her because she will not want to be alone. This is why she is acting like this now-she is getting older, she's lonely, and she's wondering who she will have in her life now that she isn't such a spring chicken.
There is so much more, but I wanted to say a couple things about your fiance. First, no matter how nice she is, there is still going to be some jealousy. This happens with all women, myself included. While your fiance may not be jealous of your ex, she still has those feelings towards your children, especially your daughter. She probably, like most women, realizes that these feelings are foolish and disregards them, but all of this broohaha is making that more and more difficult to do. You are really stuck in the middle. Your fiance may be making a bigger deal out of your ex's revealations, and in doing so, she may be fanning the fire. It will be superhuman for her not to build up resentments against Alyssa at this time. You have to be understanding, but at the same time, I'm just telling you this so that you will be armed with that information before you take her input into consideration. When it comes right down to it, this is between you and Alyssa, and while you have to be sensitive to your fiance's feelings, I want you to understand where some of them are coming from. It is hard for us girls not to get pulled into the drama. Keep telling your fiance that Alyssa's mother is hoping to drive a wedge in between them, and if she allows that to happen the ex wins.
I do not envy your position. I don't know how well Colton and Alyssa get along, but it seems to me like he is your biggest ally. If I were you, I would have a long talk with him and enlist him as an ally.
I wish you the best of luck. Raising teenagers is hard enough under the best of circumstance.
]
WOW! I wouldnt have her to see them at all. Now, by law I think if she gave up parental rights then that's it you dont have to allow her to see them. And most defenitlly not allow your daughter to go live with her. If you do you will probably never see her again. As squarally she has been during their lives you just never know what she might do. Now, on the other hand, I think by law if she didnt give up parental rights and then she should have been paying child support. If no child support then no kids. I know my oppenion is very stern. But, being a child of a single parent I am very suspisous of the "leaving parent" and wanting to see of get back into the childs life.
I hope this helps....
]
You are a loving father and you will never lose your children. You will forever be tied to your ex-wife, because you have children together and you did love and trust her once. My advice to you is to show your ex some compassion. She has been clean and sober for ten years and everyone makes mistakes. Clearly, she feels threatened by your getting married. She doesn't want to lose her kids either, and she won't just because your kids are getting a stepmom, their mom will never be replaced. You do what's best for your kids, follow your heart and your gut and do your best to make everyone happy, but put your kids happiness first. Don't punish your ex for her past mistakes by not letting her see the kids AT ALL; forgive but don't forget. Good luck.
]
If she is, indeed, clean, I might let her visit with them in my home. I would never let them live with her. She has shunned and rejected her children in favor of drugs, practically their whole life. Obviously, the woman has some deep seated psycological problems and I wouldn't trust her.
The reason she is acting the way she is, now, is because she is getting older and realizes that she's blown it, big time, and is starting to have regrets. Now, she's jealous of the new woman in her children's lives because she knows full well this other woman is doing the job she should have done long ago, but, it's too late for her. She may have very deep regrets, but she's earned them.
Your children will here all kinds of rumors from your ex and they may even believe some of them....for a time. The older they get, the more they will see the light, after all, who is the one who has been there night and day for them since they were born. Eventually, they will get the picture no matter what lies she feeds them. I wouldn't even defend myself, if I were you. I would simply say, "I've raised you kids, I've been here for you your whole life and I love you. Consider the source."
There's not much you can do when a liar feeds false information to someone. That is the hallmark of a drug addict. Even if she is clean, she has learned to escape the immense guilt, by lying. It's ingrained. You live your life clean and honest and your children will figure this out in no time. Believe me, kids are not stupid and they do talk amongst themselves. The older will educate the younger as to the reality of the situation.
In a nutshell...No, you should not allow them to move in with her and you should confront her about the offer. Tell her she must not interfere with the piece and stability of their lives or she may not see them. She must stop the gossip and rumors or she may not visit the children as you don't want them traumatized by her sudden concern about their well being. If she violates the rules, goodbye.
In my opinion, the only reason to allow your ex visiting rights is so the children won't feel like you have denied them access to their mother. I reiterate, they will figure the situation out. They can put two and two together, but your ex has no right to step into the picture now and try to play mommy. She forfeited that right long ago.
]
What a tough and troubling situation...I relate only to a certain extent as far as the worry I carry when my son goes to visit his father...From a woman's perspective though, I know I too would hate to be held from my children despite my immature and irresponsible actions. The fact that she does see them is good for her and sometimes for the children, at least when there is no drama that could be a negative influence on the children.
As the legal custodian, it is your right to even enforce some supervised visitation; like making sure they only go with her if a sister or a mutual friend that you trust will ensure the children's safety. You are not wrong in your fear, and you concern is completely justified. Be very careful with this one...But I do not recommend letting the children (the daughter) go live with her. It is merely your ex's desperate attempt to take them away from you and this new woman "she dislikes" to be a part of their life.
What she is telling the children about you and your new love is unhealthy, and it's going to be hard on the children hearing all this, but it will come to them as they see that none of what their mother is saying is true...I have the ex telling her children all kinds of negative things about me, in her jealousy, but they clearly see for themselves that their mother is very wrong about me and they ignore her completely.
You just have to stick to your guns and tell your children, "you guys see she (your fiance) is a good person and she is good to you and cares about your well-being". Alittle much for young ones, but it's the truth.
There is always going to be the fear of your ex reverting back to her old ways..those things are hard to stay away from..especially if she's having a bad day, or if she feels she is losing her children to another woman..those kinds of things could easily lure her back into drinking or drugs to escape the emotions of it all.
Keep positivity in your words with your daughter and dont say negative things to her about her mother. You can just say that her mother is just upset, and she does love you, but you would love for her to stay with you.
I know it is hard to ignore what your ex says, but they are only words...however, her actions are fearful, and as noted, it's not a good idea for your daughter to go live with her. Your daughter is sure to have a much more fulfilled life living in a peaceful and encouraging environment. It promotes her having a healthy and success driven future for herself; as in if she was with her mother and the possible drama at home that would promote her loss of interest in school or the possibility of her becoming a troubled teen, you know???
But all in all, use your better judgement.
Good Luck...Please keep me posted!
]
Dear Dad,
Yes, you are right not to let Alyssa move in with your ex-wife. Even if we ignore your ex-wife's long, sordid history and her sudden interest in being a parent, the fact remains that your children benefit most from a consistent, predictable, safe, and loving environment with the parent who knows them best and whom they know best.
No parent is perfect, and regardless of any garden-variety parenting mistakes you have made over the years, you have raised your children lovingly, your way, with your rules, expectations, rewards and punishments, and I can think of no reason to remove Alyssa from her present parent and stick her with a new parent. Again, even if your ex-wife has changed all of her old ways and would make an excellent mother today, that doesn't justify sending Alyssa away from the father she knows all too well to the mother she barely knows at all. Kids need consistency.
I could stop right here but I would like to deconstruct the rest of your story and share my thoughts regarding your ex-wife's history and present behavior. Perhaps this will help you find peace with the fact that none of it matters in the decision you are making (or, likely, you have already made the decision and are just seeking validation for having made it...)
It seems to me that your ex-wife panicked at the direction her life was taking all those years ago and left that life to recover her notion of freedom with reckless abandon. I applaud her for going into rehab and, hopefully (though statistically unlikely) remaining sober all these years.
Perhaps she has been very hard on herself these past 10 years for leaving her family and has experienced a lot of grief, remorse, and regret. And perhaps she had been willing to accept the circumstances of her life and was content with seeing her children occasionally, as long as she could tell herself that, after all, she was STILL their mother.
What broke her from this reverie was your engagement (by the way, congratulations on becoming engaged!). The engagement forced her to acknowledge the truth--that she in fact isn't their mother anymore and has no right to claim them as her children (except biologically). Not willing to accept this, and seeing the only solution as to wrest Alyssa and Colton from your home, she set about manipulating their perception of you and your fiancee in the hope that Alyssa (if not Colton) will choose her over you. It doesn't help that Alyssa is in the throes of adolescence and needs the support of a mother to guide her through this emotionally turbulent period of her life.
What I recommend you do is set some simple ground rules for your ex-wife. 1) She must stop defaming you and your fiancee immediately. 2) She must accept your decision not to let Alyssa move in with her. 3) As a compromise, she should be allowed to spend more time with Alyssa so she has a chance to be a good mother.
I don't think any of your kids are, at least in the immediate future, going to accept your fiancee as their mother. In time, though, and with some patience and diplomatic finesse on the part of your fiancee, Alyssa (and Colton and Matt) should come to accept her as a part of their family. At that point they will open up to her and may even treat her like a mom. But don't expect this and certainly don't demand it--that would only guarantee the exact opposite would happen.
Talk to your fiancee about what you and I have discussed and make sure she fully supports whatever you decide to do. Since you two are marrying and sharing custody of Colton and Alyssa, she should be allowed to participate in your decision-making. However, and I cannot stress this enough, do not let your children know she has had any influence over your decision--if any of them disagrees with you, they could easily use her as a scapegoat for their feelings.
I would really like to hear more from you, especially how things turn out.
Keep in touch!
Dr. Chad
]
I do think your right with not allowing your children to live with your ex wife old habits are hard to break especially when someone is a alcoholic and is doing drugs they become addicted and instanty hooked it's tough to stop your wife has to accept the fact that your engaged to another women and you've moved on she was the one in the first place who felt she wasn't ready to settle down and become a mother she was the one with the divorce papers not you..you were ready and willing you should tell your ex that you've got full custody of the kids and it's your choice whether or not she should see them and if you choose no then she should accept what your decision is if you feel worried and uncomfortable about letting them see her then your best option is to not let them go you don't want to put your children in any danger do what you truely feel is best for your kids
]
I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you have received and may continue to receive from others.
The problem as I see it is with your daughter who is the youngest of the three and rightfully confused and probably torn between which parent she thinks she need to be with. A child should never be put in this position and it is my feeling your ex should not have put your daughter in such a position. Your daughter probably very conflicted by this and I would not be surprised if you are not seeing some changes in behavior and school grades.
Should you be seeing the changes I have expressed then whether or not you allow you ex to have any type of custody is not the question. The question becomes how you help your daughter. The best help I can recommend in that type of situation would be seeking the help of a Child Psychologist. Someone from outside the family your daughter and younger son if need be can confide in without worry of hurting either mom or dads feelings. This is the problem they face when one parent asks them to choose them over the other. Children naturally love both parents and so not wanting to hurt one by choosing the other.
My advice to you for now is that since you have full legal custody you tell your wife that the custody arrangements will remain as they are for now. That custody will remain this way as long as she continues to trash you and your fiancé and until she is truthful to the children about why the two of you separated. Until then you will arrange for supervised daytime visitation twice a month. Once she has met these expectations then you and she will sit down and discuss any future changes in visitation or custody before talking with the children.
]
you are absolutely right.she left you with 3kids and ran off to have her fun.she walked out on you!left you on your own.where was she when your kid was sick with the chicken pox,or with the cold,or the flu?you were there to stay up all night to nurse them back to health(assuming all this).she was out getting drunk all night,taking drugs,putting your daughter in situations when she could have been molestered or raped because that woman chose the bottle over her own daughter!and now that theyr all grown up and able to feed and clean themselves she wants them back!NO!im sorry but No she should not get the privlage.
Just because she gave birth to your children does not mean shes their mother.your fiancee is more than a mother to them than she ever has been.what happens if (god forbid) you and your fiancee break up?then that woman isnt going to be around much longer because the other competition is gone.shes only around because shes jealous shes scared your children will love your fiancee more than they love her.your daughter is still too young to understand.shes being manipulated and to stop it she needs to stay away from that woman.you got full custody for a reason!
sorry i know i havent met this woman before and im sure theres mpore to this than the eyes can see but from what iv read thats my opinion.she needed to work hard to become a mother!you dont just give birth to a child just to label yourself as a mother!you have to actually nuture it and give it the love it needs for you to finally graduate into motherhood!
]
Spend time with their mother - sure. Move in - no. At this point the kids are old enough not to be in any immediate physical danger if your wife relapses. Just communicate honestly with them about how she behaves when they're over, and let them know you're not trying to poison them against their mother, you're just concerned about her and about them and expect to be informed.
If they visit frequently enough and stay for overnights, they will have partly "moved in" in a sense - they'll probably keep a change of clothes there, a toothbrush, etc. for convenience' sake. Don't sweat those details. Just make it clear that your house is their HOME, and that they can VISIT their mother as often as is convenient for everyone. That should be clear enough for your youngest child, and you'll be giving their mother what she wants - more time with her kids.
Talk to your ex directly about trash-talking your fiance. Use your leverage - tell her that her getting to see the kids depends on her behavior - i.e. staying sober and speaking civilly about you and your fiance. If she keeps her end of the bargain, you'll keep yours.
Good luck!
]
OH yes, no please do not let her move in with her mother. If you do, your daughter will find out the hard way that her mom's intentions are not to be the best mom she can be, but to aleviate the pain she is feeling from seeing you in a committed relationship, happy, and providing stability to your mutual children. The fact that she knows your finance from the past does not help. While your ex may be clean and sober, she has not grown emotionally at all. And is feeling that she is about to loose the only thing in life that she has left, and that is the love and affection of her children.
But you are emotionally stable enough to see that your children's emotional well being is more important than your ex-wife salvaging the remnants of her role as a mother. The best thing she can do is apologize to the three children and move on from there but only in the direction of being trustworthy and responsible, and putting her children first and not her emotions.
So you have to do what is right for your children. AND you have to be the BAD GUY. And it would be easy for me to say that SOME DAY they will understand. And the good news is that they will, but be prepared for a lot of emotional upheval until that day comes. It could take years.
When you catch the ex, trying to undermine your authority and your parenting, or even that of your finance, defend yourself, but don't be critical. No name calling. It serves no purpose. Always be above board in your dealings with her, so that your kids see that your are safe and stable and normal, and she can only provide instability. You can do it in a way without being mean and vindictive. Just stick to the facts.
I hope this helps, and I wish you luck. It will all be better some day. We all go through problems with our children. We all experience a few years when we wish we had never had children and they think we are the worst parents in the whole world. But it will pass and all will be OK. Keep your eye on the future and do the right thing.
Michele
]
More Questions: |