Question Posted Wednesday January 28 2015, 12:00 pm
I raped someone I want to turn myself in immediately. Tell me what I need to do. I need to be punished. I will not say how it happen and why. I can't make up any excuses. I was drunk but it doesn't change anything. The person who was hurt doesn't want to do anything and prefers to just forget and move on, but I can't . I need to be punished and I want to turn myself in. The person wouldn't have to worry about trial or publicity. I just need to know what I have to prepare for.
mylordwon answered Sunday February 8 2015, 10:07 am: You have already victimized this person once. If you turn yourself in, it will become a public event and you'll victimize this person again. You're right, you should be punished...living with what you have done will be a punishment.
masterclinic answered Sunday February 8 2015, 3:33 am: Going to jail for a couple of years doesn't make things right. you hurt someone in a way that you'll probably never be able to make up for, but you should atleast try, how are you suppose to do that if your behind bars? make things right with her; start off by apologizing for the really stupid and hurtful thing you did and then make it up to her. It's not going to be easy but it is possible [ masterclinic's advice column | Ask masterclinic A Question ]
MsAdvicenator answered Friday February 6 2015, 10:00 pm: This is a very tough question for me to answer. It is ironic you inboxed me this. Mainly because I was raped when I was 17 and a little over a year later when I had turned to alcohol and was blacking out to stop thinking about what had happened it happened again then another time after that. The other two times I was so messed up I couldn't move so I blame that on myself. I know what the side effects can be afterward. I have never been the same. I did get help and have gotten my life together.
Anyways yes I think you should turn yourself in. I'm glad you feel bad about it because you just gave someone a world of issues that do not disappear overnight or ever for some people. she's just embarassed. If she doesn't want to press charges (you should tell her all she has to do is make a report and ahe can keep her name from being public etc and thats all she has to do) but you have to admit it I would think you would still get in trouble. This is a hard question for me but I'm not going to apologize for being harsh. You need help. My first rape was reported (bc of the best friend I confided in kept pushing me to and I finally did only bc I wanted him to be punished but I was so scared and embarrassed) and I didn't want my name in the paper either and it wasn't but his was in the jail report. Try to turn yourself in.. if the cops don't do anything ,even though I think they will.. get a therapist. I hope you get in trouble. [ MsAdvicenator's advice column | Ask MsAdvicenator A Question ]
pseudophun answered Friday February 6 2015, 10:21 am: There's not a lot you can really do if the victim isn't interested in pressing charges against you. You can turn yourself into the police, but they can't do anything if the victim won't press charges. If you're really looking for some kind of weird absolution for what you've done, you could confess to a priest, who will assign you penance, and you should see a counselor about it, too.
Don't FORCE the victim into the legal process. It's hell for the victim. It's more hell than you'll get being punished, which is F*kd up, but real life. If they're not good with it, then you're just going to have to learn to live with yourself, even if it eats you up inside... which is why I recommend a counselor. [ pseudophun's advice column | Ask pseudophun A Question ]
lightoftruth answered Thursday February 5 2015, 11:04 pm: They'll probably need to talk to the other person involved to know what happened. If the other person doesn't want to be involved or denies it, then I'm not sure if you can turn yourself in.
If you still can, and you feel like you need to, then go turn yourself in.
If you can't, then I'd suggest going to therapy. I think it will help you heal and move on from this as well. If the person wants to move on and forget, just respect them. [ lightoftruth's advice column | Ask lightoftruth A Question ]
Ladylala answered Wednesday February 4 2015, 5:07 pm: We all make mistakes but unfortunately mistakes usually have consequences and I'm very proud of you for preparing to suffer the consequence for this incident. The best way to deal with your situation would be to go to your local police department and tell them what you did and if possible write the person you raped a sorry letter. As for what will happen to you if you turn yourself in I'm not sure of. Different states have different laws and different ways of dealing with things. Research it online but it'd be best to turn yourself in. This will help you get over what you did and will teach you not to do it again. Life is all about learning and you'll never truly learn if you don't do what you need to do. Hope this helps you find your way [ Ladylala's advice column | Ask Ladylala A Question ]
isis answered Wednesday February 4 2015, 3:38 pm: You know you've done a terrible thing, something that will haunt that person for the rest of their life so turning yourself in is the only decent thing you can now do.
You will be taken to a room where you will have to make a statement, they will probably need forensic evidence so if you still have the clothes you were wearing and they've not been washed, the police will probably want to take them. They may take swabs for DNA. They will decide if you can be released on bail or kept in custody, this depends on where you are, the circumstances and how this crime is viewed. The victim will be contacted (if they've not already changed their mind and reported it) and the same process will apply to them.
A lot of rape victims do not report it immediately, the shock and horror of what has happened is too huge for them to process at the time, so they try to put it behind them and forget it. That doesn't usually work, it changes them and eventually they have to deal with it. Therefore it is far better for you to admit to it yourself now, it will go better for you both if you do.
There will be a court trial and there's a good chance that they will be required to appear as well, again, it depends on where you are, their age and circumstances. If the charge is undisputed by you they may not have to attend court. I cannot say what the sentence will be, it also would take into account if there was any other violence involved, but you are probably looking at a custodial sentence and becoming a registered sex offender.
Being drunk is absolutely no excuse at all, it is a despicable act. I hope you do now have the courage to go to the police and confess. As much as it will stay with your victim it will stay with you as well and you will never be the same again.
Cardigan answered Wednesday February 4 2015, 3:14 pm: If you go to the police, they can accept a confession without the need for a trial or publicity, trials are only for defendants pleading "not guilty." If you confess (and not recant it later), you're going to automatically skip to sentencing rather than trial. Sentencing is usually lighter for those who turn themselves in than for those that make the state go through the expense and mess of a trial, in fact, the state tends to charge defendants with lesser crimes when they "plea bargain," but look to your jurisdiction for any kind of mandatory minimums. In most cases, I'd tell someone facing the criminal justice system to find a lawyer, but most people are trying to avoid punishment and you are not. A lawyer will probably attempt to dissuade you from your plan, because most lawyers are also trained to help people avoid punishment and stigma, but I think there's something to be said for soul-cleansing punishment in cases like this. Consent is sacred, don't ever violate it again. [ Cardigan's advice column | Ask Cardigan A Question ]
Sweet_LiL_Angel answered Tuesday February 3 2015, 10:49 pm: Coming from someone who was raped and decided not to do anything about it I regret not doing something. If you raped someone and your admitting for it you need to go and turn your self in. Be the bigger person you ruined someones life just because they wants to move on and forget they wont be able to. [ Sweet_LiL_Angel's advice column | Ask Sweet_LiL_Angel A Question ]
plentyofphish answered Tuesday February 3 2015, 10:31 pm: Listen, I'm not a licensed professional on these kinds of things, but I'll tell you what I'd tell a friend in the same situation:
If you're able to do so, tell the victim that you fully intend to take responsibility for what happened and that you want to do the right thing to atone for what you did. Let him/her know that you intend to turn yourself in. And go to the local precinct and speak to the officers there. I'm not sure what will happen from there, but they'll be able to advise you. [ plentyofphish's advice column | Ask plentyofphish A Question ]
blwinteler answered Tuesday February 3 2015, 10:03 pm: Ok. I am going to assume you aren't trolling. If you are, this is not funny. I don't know what happens when you turn yourself in. To do it, though, you go to a police station and tell them what happened. They will ask for details. To prove it, though, they will need either the victim or witnesses to confirm it. They will prefer both. As far as punishment, you might get some jail time. You very well may not, which is a hard pill for someone like me to swallow.
I have been raped. I did nothing about it because I was out of the country. I have friends and a niece who have been raped. One friend pressed charges. There was no arrest, no trial, nothing. My niece was talked out of pressing charges by the police. Later, other girls came forward. The guy was a serial rapist. He went to trial. He got something like 12 years in prison. He raped at least a dozen girls, but only 3 had been recent enough to prosecute. Enough testified, though, to make a solid case against him. I'm telling you this to give you an idea of what to expect. Without a victim testimony, nothing is going to happen. Even with a victim testimony, little is likely to happen. With a victim and witnesses, you may face some jail time, but not much. [ blwinteler's advice column | Ask blwinteler A Question ]
Coco26 answered Tuesday February 3 2015, 5:46 pm: I understand the person may not want anything brought up, but you are right. You do need to be punished. What you done was wrong and you have acknowledged this. Turning yourself in, in my opinion would be best. [ Coco26's advice column | Ask Coco26 A Question ]
eatshitdie answered Tuesday February 3 2015, 1:55 am: I won't force you tell me how and why this happened. Being drunk is no excuse to rape someone, but if they're willing to move on, then that's somewhat of a good outcome.
Be aware though; if you harbor this in your mind for too long, you will be enraged and filled with guilt, it will drive you mad. I have never answered a question like this but maybe seek a therapist of some sort to let this all off your chest. [ eatshitdie's advice column | Ask eatshitdie A Question ]
Sensaura answered Monday February 2 2015, 1:28 pm: There are many things I would like to say to you, not all of them bad, but I think the only thing I can say in all good conscious is this: Please, please, please, please - go to a Catholic priest. A Catholic priest will have had crimes much worse than yours confessed to them, and they will be uniquely qualified to help you do what you need to do without hurting your victim further.
DDiazella3 answered Sunday February 1 2015, 7:49 pm: It sounds like you have been through a rather traumatic discovery about yourself. I'm proud of you for wanting to take action and right the wrong, it's brave of you. I don't know what the particular state laws are where you live but, many states have a system something like this... You can call the police and turn yourself in. However if the victim of the crime does not want to press charges nothing will happen. Basically you would be filling out a police report on yourself. Then in the future if anyone ever reports you for rape again, there will be a record and it will be easy for that person to prosecute you.
What I think you should do ASAP is get into therapy! You obviously have some dangerous and scary demons that you need to get to the bottom of. I suggest you start asking around about a good therapist. If your insurance covers mental health check the list of covered professionals on your plan. If you don't have insurance for mental health you still have several options. If you are in school every university and high school should provide free mental health counseling. If not, any religious organization or state public service center should have Mental Health Care available on a "pay what you can," bases. For example, I see a therapist at the Jewish family services center and my payment is based on my income. Religious affiliation has nothing to do with receiving help from these organizations. They are given tax money to help the community and are not allowed to turn people away.
Try and find a good therapist you feel like you can be honest with. Not one that you feel like is judging you or afraid of what you're saying. You might have to try a couple before you find one that works for you but dedicate yourself to getting to the bottom of this. No one is supposed to deal with hardship alone and there are systems in place to help you so you don't do this to anyone else ever again. I know you must be overcome with shame but if you hold it inside it will only get worse. Like I said, I can tell you are brave so look at it honestly and do what you know you need to do.
If you're worried this could happen again or even if you aren't, I think it is a great idea to call the police and turn yourself in!! That way if your drinking again and your mind starts to go to that violent wrong place, you know that there will be consequences. Plus, if you're victim changes her mind (which often happens) the legal system will most likely be empathetic knowing that you turned yourself in.
It's very common for victims of rape to go through a period of self blame and self hate after the incident. They think they asked for it and become ashamed. Many spend years before admitting that it even happened. However, many come around to that idea in days or weeks and immediately take action. This is why when one victim comes forward on a rape case it often has a snow ball effect leading to many victims coming forward. Just because she wants to forget it now doesn't mean she always will.
So yes, report yourself, yes, find a therapist. Then I think you should tell your victim that you feel awful about what happened and you can't forget it and that you have turned yourself in and started seeing a therapist. Tell her you hope your actions have not made her dislike herself in anyway. Tell her that you know your behavior was inexcusable and you are concerned for her thinking otherwise. Perhaps you should suggest that she seeks therapy also? Encourage her to care for herself, love herself and assure her that this was NOT her fault!!!! You have a problem and now that you know how bad it is, you're going to work on it.
You're in a very unique position at a crucial time in society. Rape has been all over the news, being talked about in colleges, and countries across the world. Something is going wrong in terms of our socialization with gender, aggression and sex. It's harming people everyday! The people that are not speaking up in this issue right now are the rapists. You're voice could be the missing piece to help so many communities in the fight against rape. Maybe if you help yourself and speak up about it, others like you will speak up also? I know you feel awful right now but you have the opportunity to do something beautiful with this ugly experience. You seem very brave to me, I'm sure you can do it.
loviblemoon answered Sunday February 1 2015, 6:16 am: If you turn yourself in. You will go to court. Then what ever the judge decides what time you will spend you will go to prison for awhile. While in prison you may get raped yourself. Things will be very unpleasant for you. Once you get out of prison you will have to register yourself as a sex offender. You also wont be able to live near a school or have a decent job. You will have no quality of life anymore. I have been a victim of rape myself. That is how I know what will happen to rapists. Regardless whether you don't want her to go to a trial or not. She will have to attend. My advice to you is don't drink until you are going to do something so fucking stupid that you will regret what you have done in the future. Stay out of trouble and quit being a dumb ass. At least unlike most rapist you seem to feel and have remorse for what you have done. GET HELP DUDE! [ loviblemoon's advice column | Ask loviblemoon A Question ]
alexus21 answered Saturday January 31 2015, 1:57 am: I feel that you should apologize to the person you harmed. I believe you probably Have and I feel you should forgive yourself. Turning yourself in I feel is the right thing as what to face it could vary. if you mean legally that can range like I said before. The biggest thing is trying to move on and vowing never to allow yourself to get to that point. I hope the you can find peace. I wish you well. [ alexus21's advice column | Ask alexus21 A Question ]
Manulo answered Friday January 30 2015, 2:28 pm: If this is true, then you need to turn yourself in and face the consequences. Do not run and do not hide because this will be with you forever. The person you hurt has to forgive you because they will not forget as you won't forget either. The punishment will depend on not only the extent but if that person you hurt is willing to forgive you. You deciding to do nothing will be worse on you and will eat you up inside. The other question is not what you should do because you already know the right thing to do but why you did this and how you can get that help to never be this person again! [ Manulo's advice column | Ask Manulo A Question ]
Magii answered Thursday January 29 2015, 9:56 pm: well I cant really put my self in your shoes but ur right You did something wrong but in my option you should just go get help if this girl or man doesn't want to do anything bout it then just go help yourself if you think that turning yourself into the cops is what you need to then do it but their are other ways to get help [ Magii's advice column | Ask Magii A Question ]
MsCece123 answered Thursday January 29 2015, 9:50 pm: Well I am only Criminal Justice Major in high school I'm not 100% sure what you have to look forward to. I do know that if you turn yourself in you will be interrogated. Whether they take you into custody or not... I'm not sure. If they don't take you into custody and you just willingly go to talk to the police you have the option to leave or not answer questions at any time. If you are in custody they absolutely HAVE to read you your Miranda Rights otherwise, you can't be tried. While you made a BAD decision, it's good to know that you're making the decision to turn yourself in. Hoped that I could help. [ MsCece123's advice column | Ask MsCece123 A Question ]
GiddyGeezer answered Thursday January 29 2015, 7:55 pm: You need to contact an attorney immediately. Your attorney will advise you in this matter. That is the best advise I can give you under the circumstances. [ GiddyGeezer's advice column | Ask GiddyGeezer A Question ]
ksca answered Thursday January 29 2015, 1:59 pm: Although I am against rape on every single level since I have previously been molested I would say you would maybe possibly have to describe to them how it happened when and the person it happened to the person may not want to press charges but rape is still rape you will be put in prison but possibly for a lesser charge if you plead guilty so all I can say is good luck and I'm sorry that you seem like a nice person just who made a mistake [ ksca's advice column | Ask ksca A Question ]
Dragonflymagic answered Thursday January 29 2015, 2:23 am: Hey, I looked at history of questions from your account. Though there may be someone else who used your computer and account, it's more likely it was you. It was previously stated, "I'm a sociopath and a psychopath" but I see no where any mention of being under doctors care. When it comes to something like this, you can't handle it on your own. Your friend needs professional counseling help for what he experienced, and you need to be seeing professional help too, this isn't something you can handle on your own. If you will not go see a therapist or go talk to yours about this, then just call the police and tell them that you want to turn yourself in for committing rape. However, without anyone verifying that they were raped by you, they have no reason to hold you. It may take a mental health profession who is familiar with you and your history to find you a threat to your own safety or safety of others before they would consider putting you in a facility where you are locked away from society if there are such places available. [ Dragonflymagic's advice column | Ask Dragonflymagic A Question ]
Ocalaphernella answered Thursday January 29 2015, 12:01 am: If you feel the need to turn yourself in, then do it. If you don't, then you may not fully comprehend what you did, and the realness of it. It's up to you, but I think it's the right thing to do. [ Ocalaphernella's advice column | Ask Ocalaphernella A Question ]
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