I have studied psychology though I am not a psychologist or a licensed counselor of any sort. I'm an artist and writer and teach both to small private groups. I have worked with counselors by using art and writing projects at workshops to encourage people to open up, and I have been recommended by therapists to their clients to take my classes to help them understand more about themselves and what all is going on in their lives through art and writing. Though I'm not an art therapist, I use many tools from art therapy and my own experiences gleaned from counseling. I have always had the desire to help people and I do it in any way possible. Hopefully I can be of some help to many of you!
E-mail: susana182006-extra@yahoo.com
Gender: Female
Location: Virginia
Occupation: artist & writer/teacher of both
Age: 52
Member Since: November 27, 2005
Answers: 116
Last Update: February 25, 2006
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I'm 15/f I like someone and of course since I'm the most stupidest person on earth it just happens to be my best guy friend. Whenever we talk I'm usually fumbling for words and he just seems so casual. Lately he's been noticing how different I am with him, and I think he's starting to figure out that I like him more then a friend. How do I keep my cool and talk to him like we're JUST friends again, even though I like him more than that? (link)
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OK, first off you're NOT the most stupid person on earth! Many of us really fall for our best guy friends because they so often hold the qualities we'd like to have in a boyfriend. It sounds like this has happened in your case and I don't blame you at all!
You didn't say whether or not your friend already has a girlfriend. Are you hesitant about telling him your feelings because 1) he has a girlfriend, or 2) you're afraid of ruining your friendship? If he already has a girlfriend, then definitely try to keep these feelings you're having at bay right now and then see what happens. When you're with him, just breathe evenly and speak a little slower if you have to just so that you don't feel so nervous. However, I suspect he doesn't have a girlfriend. Don't know why, but that's what I'm thinking...so, if he doesn't have a girlfriend, you might consider just talking to him and letting him know how you're feeling. I know this may be scary and that you probably are afraid that it will change your friendship even if you two don't end up getting together. However, it would seem to me that right now while you're trying to hold in your feelings and not having a lot of success with that (not a cristicsm, okay), PLUS you think that he's started to figure things out...the friendship could get a little strained just because of the tension. If this guy is really a good friend, then just try telling him that at this point you've realized that he's the type of guy you'd like to go out with and does he have any thoughts on that. Tell him that you want him to be honest with you. Let him know how much his FRIENDSHIP means to you and that you don't want to jeopordize it, but that you just need to work this through WITH him instead of on your own. Hopefully he'll be a good enough friend to talk to you honestly about this and the two of you can work it out together - whether you end up dating or not. Sure, it could be a little uncomfortable at first no matter what happens, but hopefully if you both keep the communication open, you'll get past that initial awkwardness.
I know you asked how you can keep your cool and just talk to him as a friend, trying to ignore your feelings. But personally, I don't think it's very healthy to ignore our feelings especially if someone else is beginning to suspect that something is going on. My guess is that no matter what you two decide to do, in the end you'll feel better for having talked to him and there will be some relief that it's out in the open. You won't have to wonder what he's thinking, and hopefully you'll get over that fumbling for words because you've allowed yourself to get something important off your chest. Meaning, I think it will be easier to talk to him once you get started than it has obviously been for a while now that you've discovered these feelings you have for him. And hey, don't beat yourself up!! This is a very typical, albeit uncomfortable, situation. Now BREATHE. And open up to your BEST guy friend. I think you'll be relieved after you do so.
Do let me know how it goes when - providing IF - you talk to him. I'm sending lots of good thoughts your way! Good luck.
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my best friend is a guy. he likes one f my friends and wants to ask her out. his last two girlfriends were horrible to him and i really want him to be happy. they are already friends and she is showing signs of liking him, though she tells me she doesn't like anyone and will tell me when she does. do you think there's a possibility that she likes him and won't tell me because i am so close to him?
also, he wants to ask her out soon. so i'm trying to help him come up with a really cute and romantic way. any ideas?
thank you. =). (link)
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I think I'd approach this situation cautiously. You might not want to really put yourself too much in the middle of this. For one thing, you want to see that your best friend is happy, yet if he's rejected by your girlfriend, then you'll probably feel bad for him and for encouraging him too much. For another thing, your girlfriend has already told you that she's apparently not interested in anyone at this time and will let you know when she is. OK, maybe she's not being completely honest with you because she doesn't want you to go back to your best friend and tell him her feelings. But you don't know.
One thing you could try would be to just be honest with your girlfriend and let her know that your best friend is interested in asking her out. Ask her how she would feel about that because you don't want to encourage your friend to ask her out if she would plan to turn him down. Don't play "hint" games with her, just come out and be honest. And don't push her. Then you'll need to be honest right back with your best friend and if this doesn't seem like it will work out, encourage him to look elsewhere.
Another suggestion, which would keep you out of the middle for the most part, would be to arrange an outing with several people - obviously including your best guy friend and your other friend - and see what happens when they are together in the group. Your best friend could make it a point to talk to your girlfriend as much as seems reasonable and see how she reacts to his attentions. If he feels comfortable with how they're clicking, he can then ask her if she'd like to join him sometime for dinner or a movie, or whatever.
You don't want your girlfriend to think you're setting her up if in fact she really isn't interested in your best friend in ways other than as a friend. In a group setting people click in different ways and often relationships develop naturally. Maybe in this case, you might want to partake in minimal "cupid" actions and let these two get to know each other better when other folks are around. Again, see if something will develop naturally.
The "cute and romantic" ways for your best friend to ask your girlfriend out will more likely come naturally if he's able to "feel" whether or not there is any interest from this girl. If she really is starting to show signs of liking him, then this shouldn't be too hard of a situation to deal with. Other than perhaps getting together in a group setting, your friend and you should maybe not try so hard how to figure this out. Staying out of the middle completely would be to just encourage your friend to go with his gut feelings and ask this other friend out - in this scenario, withOUT your help. I know you want to help him, but sometimes it's better to just step back, breathe, and remain supportive and encouraging.
I hope your best friend finds a girlfriend who will be as sweet and caring as you seem to be. You sound like a very good friend and he's fortunate.
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thanx for the good advice! but how would i tell him! wait till hes inside of me and then be like "hey by the way im a virgin and dont know wat im doing?" he comes home in like 3hrs i dont know wat to do! he keeps calling me and telling me hoew bad he wants to feel my body! i dont know how i can tell him! ive been lieing to him since the day we met about this
(link)
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OK, I'm a little confused. By the time this question appeared, I hadn't had the chance to answer your first question! So, what "good advice" were you referring to?! Nevertheless, I have now had the chance to answer your first question and I hope it helped even though it was a little late in coming. Again, good luck!
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ok heres my question....
I HAVE BEEN DATING THIS GUY FOR THREE MONTHS NOW! HES A GOOD GUY AND ALOT OF FUN! HES VERY POPULAR AND HAS ALOT OF "EXPERIENCE." WHEN I MET HIM ALL HE TALKED ABOUT WAS HOW BAD HE WANTED TO SLEEP WITH ME AND HOW BAD HE WANTED TO HAVE A LIFE WITH ME! I FELT THAT SAME WAY BUT THE ONLY DIFFRENCE IS THAT IM STILL A VRIGIN AND HE DOESNT KNOW IT YET! AND TO MAKE THE STORY MORE INTERESTING IVE BEEN HAVING FAMILY PROBLEMS AND GOT KICKED OUT OF MY HOUSE AND NOW STAYING WITH HIM! WE SLEEP IN THE SAME BED AND WHEN HES IN THE MOOD I FEEL SO BAD BECAUSE I TELL HIM THAT IM NOT IN THE MOOD OR I FEEL SICK BUT THATS NOT IT AT ALL, SO HE JUST ROLLS OVER AND GOES TO SLEEP!I FEEL LIKE SUCH A HORRIBLE PERSON! IVE LIED TO HIM SO MUCH ALREADY AND THE PERSON THAT I MET HIM WITH AND HE WANTS A LIFE WITH IS THE ONE THATS NOT A VIRGIN! IM SO SCARED TO TELL HIM BUT IF I DONT HES GONNA THINK THAT I DONT LIKE HIM AND I DO I REALLY DO! WAT SHOULD I DO? IF HE FINDS OUT I LIED TO HIM AGAIN HE MIGHT THROW ME OUT INTO THE STREET! pls help! and my tonight cause hes gonna try again and i dont wanna lie to him anymore! (link)
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I'm so sorry that I didn't have the chance to get to your question yesterday and I know you said you really needed an answer before last night! Yikes. I'm curious at this point what, if anything, went on between you and your boyfriend last night.
Even though I missed answering you right away, I'll still try to answer your question as best I can anyway.
Have you been telling this guy lies that you didn't explain in your
question to me? If you're only referring to the fact that you haven't been able to tell him that you're a virgin and that you've lied about that, then I can't figure out why in the world you think he'd throw you out on the street! What kind of guy is he?!
Please don't wait until you guys are just about ready to make love before you tell him. Obviously you're nervous and you think he has high expectations of you, so having this chat probably won't do much for the mood if you wait until you're being intimate. Please just sit him down and tell him the truth. Tell him that you've been scared, embarrassed (whatever you've felt) about letting him know that you're a virgin and that you are a little timid about having sex for the first time. Let him know that you would really like it if he were to help you through this very important and special time. It seems to me that if he is any kind of guy worth holding onto that he will work with you on this and be happy to do so. I would also hope that he could understand why you were so reluctant to talk about this before since it can be a sensitive subject.
If you really love someone you should be able to confide in him and he should be very respectful of what you have to tell him if he loves you and doesn't just want an "experienced" girlfriend. See, that's where I'm a little confused. Has he given the impression from the beginning that he wants an experienced girlfriend? What made you feel as though you couldn't tell him about your virginity? That worries me a little because if you're actually living with this guy right now, then it seems that you two need to have a very open and honest relationship about these sorts of intimate issues.
You also said that when you met this guy, right away he told you that he wanted to sleep with you AND spend his life with you. Wow. That's moving pretty fast, isn't it? And how did YOU know that you wanted to spend your life with HIM? I'm truly hoping that he didn't use the line "I want to spend my life with you," just to get you in bed. However, the fact that you've been living together for a while, and sleeping together without having sex, leads me to believe that he's being patient and perhaps that's not all he wants out of the relationship. That would be good. So, do both of you a favor and quit coming up with excuses. If you don't want to have sex yet, tell him. If you do, but you're afraid because you've never experienced it before, tell him.
I'm sorry about your family situation and I'm also sorry that is what "pushed" you into living with this guy right now. Living with someone is a BIG move and both parties want to be sure that it is a situation that is really wanted. And, hopefullly one in which both parties are ready to commit to. Making big moves because of an "emergency" isn't always the best way to start. Hopefully, though, if there is open communication and HONESTY, the two of you will be able to work through all of this.
I hope I've helped ease your mind that it really is okay to talk to this guy. Just remember, if he doesn't take the "news" well, then HE has a problem. You do NOT have to live on the street if things don't work out for the two of you. There are plenty of agencies who can come to your aid and give you advice. Please don't stay in this relationship if for any reason it gets awkward or just isn't right. I know I don't know anything about your family problems, but I encourage you to try to work through those problems right now while you are trying to work through getting your life in order. Don't wait until you're in a dire situation to try to make things all right with your folks. Try to have them there as a support system.
Good luck and definitely let me know what happens between you and your boyfriend. I'll think good thoughts for you!!
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me and my boyfriend are continuously having little fights over nothing.... i think its because we hang out all the time and when were not hanging out together, were on the phone with eachother. i think were just too into eachother and i think we need to have lives besides eachother and i think that will really help. how do i not talk to him as much and see him less. because i love him and i always want to see him. weve been dating for over a year and were both 16. thanks! (link)
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Everyone needs space from being with anyone constantly. It's healthy and actually makes life more interesting. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders to realize that you both need some time away from each other. Good for you!
You guys have been together for a long time and that then means you've been spending an inordinate amount of time together if you two are always with one another and always on the phone. When two people are constantly with one another (and this can apply to any friendship or with a family member) there is the likelihood that small things begin to get on each person's nerves. Thus the "little fights."
Try talking to your boyfriend and tell him that you think that the two of you need to spend some time with other friends and doing things separately from time to time. Let him know that you're not breaking up with him, but that you think you two would actually be more interesting to one another if you had some separate interests. It would give you more to talk about and would also help each of you grow as individuals. Too often couples run into problems when they allow themselves to become almost as though they are ONE. A relationship is much more apt to survive if each person retains their individuality. You guys don't seem to be encouraging too much of that now.
So, take up an art class, or yoga, or anything that you might find interesting. Look at your local recreation center's calendar of classes and see what you might be able to afford and what sorts of classes are offered. Encourage your boyfriend to do the same, but take separate classes! Try to have a night or two when it's just a girls' night together when you have friends over to watch a movie, go out for a bite to eat, see a movie, etc. Again, encourage your boyfriend to do this as well. Make sure you create some time alone - without your boyfriend or your girlfriends. Read, write in a journal, take up a hobby.
Try limiting the length and frequency of your daily phone calls. You don't have to stop them entirely, just be more aware of how long and often you guys talk. If you develop some other interests in your life, you won't miss the constant chatting so much.
Sometimes when one person in a relationship wants to have a little more space the other person gets scared. Be aware that this may happen and be gentle and reassuring with your boyfriend. Remind him that you're trying to do something not only for yourself, which is definitely healthy, but that you're trying to do something to make your relationship better. Tell him that's it's gotten silly how you guys argue over such little things and that this way you two should be able to avoid some of that. (Of course arguing over little things will always be a common occurrence in relationships, but certain things can be done to make that happen less frequently.) Let him know how much you still love being with him and will definitely want to do things with him. And then, when you guys are together, see if you can think of special things to do that will make that time even more memorable. I bet if you both really talk through this that he will agree with you, even if not at first. Just stick to your guns and start branching out with your interests. Sure, at first it may seem a little tough to not be with him all the time. This has almost become a habit for you and habits are hard to break. But if you work hard enough and remember how healthy this will be for you and for your relationship, I know you'll be able to do it. And, you'll probably be even more thrilled to see and talk to him!
Good luck. I think you're approaching this whole thing very maturely. I hope your boyfriend can do so as well.
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OK so im a 14 year old .. im pretty over weight. I'm like like a DD too, and im really self conscience about it. I also have a sweating problem, so w/e i wear i have huge stains under my arms. Im a tomboy .. but i still wanna wear jeans and a nice sweater sometimes! So, i dont think boys like me .. like at all. How can i look better and more cute, and feel more confident about myself? (link)
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I know it's not easy to lose weight, and when you say you're 14, I'm not really sure if you ARE overweight because so many girls/women have a VERY skewed view of themselves due to our society's "demand" for SKINNY people! I hate that!! It is such an unhealthy attitude.
I can relate to you being self conscious about your bust size. Get this: I had to start wearing a bra when I was nine years old! Oh my, the teasing I got was horrible. Talk about feeling self conscious. And, I wasn't overweight so it was especially noticeable. For one thing, you're at a stage right now where you will find that you'll more than likely begin to "grow into" your breasts. Too often they are the first part of the girl's body to grow when we are in puberty and moving out of it. Just make sure you wear a good supportive bra and DON'T hunch over, trying to hide the fact that you have large breasts. I've seen too many girls/women do that due to self consciousness and they end up with such poor posture and bad backs along with low self-esteem. One comment on large breasts is that I'm wondering if they are large enough to already be giving you some back trouble? I ask this because if you're experiencing pain in your back, this is NOT good and you should seek the advice of a doctor. More often than not, insurance will cover a slight breast reduction for girls or women who have medical problems due to enlarged breasts.
With a sweating problem, there are several things you can do. 1) try changing deodorants - even try an unscented men's deodorant; 2) talk to your doctor about this in case there is actually a problem with your sweat glands; 3) for blouses with sleeves you can buy light-weight, cotton underarm pads that absorb a lot of sweat and that fit onto the body by a narrow strap that goes over the shoulder - usually found in lingerie departments; and, 4) wear darker clothing so that sweat stains don't show up as much.
As far as clothes go:
You can wear loose-fitting (not baggy) jeans - there are several brands out there that make stretchy waistbands (NOT elastic) that still have a zipper and button. Levi's is one company that makes these and they look just like regular jeans. Not only do they have a stretchy material for the waistband, but the material for the entire garment is a special kind that stretches a little and makes the fit more comfortable. They're made in small, medium and larger sizes, so this is not something just for people with a weight problem. They're great because they allow for freedom of movement that most jeans don't necessarily allow. You can buy a loose-fitting (again, not baggy) sweater that doesn't cling to your body like so many styles these days. Wearing a sweater that is straight-lined and comes down past your rear-end might be something you'd like to try. It can give you a sleak look when worn with nice fitting jeans or even stretch pants. If you wear stretch pants, always wear a long straight-lined blouse/shirt/sweater that is made of a material that flows when you walk (that doesn't exactly work with a sweater, but it will with the other two). Buy solid colors and accessorize with fun jewelry and/or long, slinky scarves. Or, buy wonderfully vibrant colors that are NOT in horizontal stripes, big flowers, or any big design. You can also probably find some very chic skirts that are more A-lined (straight, but not too straight and narrow) instead of gathered at the waist. Again, you can wear a longish top that will come down and flow around the skirt in a way that won't add "weight" on you. Keep the material as light as you can, not bulky.
Look at yourself in the mirror every day and tell yourself that you're beautiful! If you've told yourself for a long time that you're not and you believe that boys don't like you, then of course you've come to believe that. Why then wouldn't saying positive things about yourself over and over not do the same thing? At first it may feel odd, but you'll get used to it and eventually begin to believe it. I'm a stickler about posture and if you can hold your head high, not slouch into yourself, and smile often, you will feel better about yourself and this great energy will then radiate from you and other people will get caught up in the good energy. Believe me when I say that works wonders! Try not to focus so much on whether or not boys like you. I know that's so important, especially at your age. But you need to realize that you're a beautiful person INSIDE before anyone else can see that. And when you believe in that beauty within, you will also radiate that beauty on the outside.
Developing self confidence takes work, but it's worth it and I believe since you've asked for advice and you want to change, that it WILL happen for you! Just keep reminding yourself how wonderful, special and beautiful you are. Put notes on your mirrors, computer, bedroom door, anywhere to help you to remember to focus on these POSITIVE thoughts.
Good luck to you! I just bet you'll look smashing when you start using that creative, strong inner power within us all to change your attitude and your style.
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Okay well i went to my church and my boyfriend(Tom) wasnt hanging out w/ me but he was hanging out w/ everyone but me(including his new g/f). he said that i was ignoring him and that he wanted to go out w/ Sally(who he just met not even 3 days ago), so i broke up w/ him. and 1 day later he ended up asking Sally out. Sally said yes. now they are going out....i really did like him...like soooo much.....but then at church Tom and Sally were hugging and holding hands and crap rite in front of me ( proably just to get me jealous). now we all hate eachother but i still kinda like him...but i hate Sally.....What should i do????
*Names changed for safety
-confused (link)
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Well, for one thing it sounds like this whole mess might have started out as a misunderstanding. You thought your boyfriend was ignoring you at church and he thought you were ignoring him. Unfortunately, it sounds as though you guys never really discussed these feelings of neglect the day it happened. Or at least you two didn't discuss it in a way that could have resolved some hurt feelings. However, from what you wrote, it sort of sounds to me like your boyfriend might have been using the excuse that you were ignoring him so that he could ask out "Sally." Thus, he very conveniently tried to make you take the blame for his interest in "Sally." I'd say that you had nothing whatsoever to do with him and "Sally" getting together. If he was interested in her, then he was just interested in her...period. However, I think he'd like you to think that you "pushed" them together. And my feelings are that he is taking a cheap way out of a relationship that sounds as though he wanted to end anyway. I'm sure that hurts, but the guy doesn't sound as though he has the backbone to just tell you (or probably anyone else) that he needs to end a relationship/situation without trying to make the other person feel responsible. That's pretty jerky, if you ask me. Of course you did the right thing by breaking up with him when he told you he was interested in "Sally." The fact that he asked her out one day later only emphasizes to me that he'd planned on doing this anyway. Don't you think?
The fact that your ex and "Sally" were "hugging and holding hands and crap" in front of you could mean that they're so overly involved in themselves that they are simply not thinking about how it must look or feel to you. Certainly that is very insensitive and not thoughtful of you at all. If they were trying to make you jealous, then they strike me as people with whom I wouldn't want to associate at all! It is completely childish, immature, and NOT nice to try to cause another person hurt and/or to have feelings of jealousy. Whatever the case, I'd say let them be with each other. Sounds like they deserve one another if they're both that insensitive. Of course, do realize that I understand why that's so much easier said than done, especially if you really had a thing for this guy. But if you can, try as hard as you can to look at your ex for who is seems to really be - how he's acting RIGHT NOW. Ask yourself why you would want to have him as your boyfriend if he is this insensitive, rude and immature. You would have found this out eventually and it would hurt whenever you did find out, but in reality it's always better to find out sooner rather than later.
You say that you all "hate" each other now, but that you really "hate 'Sally.'" This is not unusual - to hate the "other" person more. However, keep in mind that it was your boyfriend who asked this girl out and since you'd already broken up with him, she simply said, "Yes." I don't know if she pursued your boyfriend or not, but he was the one who truned his back on you. Try to keep that in mind. Too many people want to only blame the other person because it's easier than blaming the one we "love," or think we loved. We have a hard time thinking that our boyfriend/girlfriend has turned against us. So, it's easier to hate the other person. Do you know what I'm trying to say?
Hate is such a strong word...and feeling. It can eat you up inside. As much as you hurt, try not to hold onto the "hate" that you're harboring now. Yep, that's hard to do, but you have the power and control to do it. Actually, only you have the control to do it. Try more to focus on the fact that these two people are sad. "Sad?!" you cry. Yes, sad. If they have to act this way to feel better about what they've done, then they are indeed sad people who can't be mature and handle relationships very well. At least that's how I see it. They seem to be very self-centered and that is all too common, especially when people are younger. It's as though no one else exists but THEM! So, you can feel sorry for the fact that they are the kind of people who are so self-centered that they don't care much about other people's feelings and that's got to show to all those around them; or, you can hate them for "making" you feel the way you do. That hate is not going to change them. Feeling sorry for them won't either, but it will certainly change YOU. It will make you the better person and will help you stay focused on what kind of boyfriend and friends you want in your life.
I don't think there is anything you can do. And ask yourself if there truly is anything you WANT to do to get this jerky guy back. I know that I can't take the hurt away from you, and I'm sorry that you ARE hurting so much. Anyone would be. As tough as it may be, when you're in their presence, hold your head up high, don't give them the satisfaction of seeing your hurt (or jealousy), keep busy with your other friends, and don't watch them play their little games. Ignore him and "Sally." I don't think either of these people are worth the energy it takes to hate them. Put your energy into your other friends and eventually another guy who deserves you will come along. Believe me, he will. And yes, you'll probably experience hurt sometime again in your life. That's a part of our life processes. Learning how to deal with that hurt and seeing things for what they truly are, is what will help you grow into a stronger, more mature, and happier person.
I wish you all the best with this situation. Please know that I am not disregarding your hurt, but I seriously think you're probably better off without this guy. Good luck and keep your chin held high. Keep telling yourself that you're strong and can be more mature than these two. I know you'll be okay!
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Me and my bf were out on the town the other night. We met up with some other of our friends. Well my bf left for a couple minutes to pay for our drinks. This other friend of ours who is married came up to me. He said " you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen". Well I looked at him with my eyes wide and then he said "as a friend", but I know he was seriously attracted to me by the look in his eyes.
I didnt really know what to say. I was flattered but felt guilty because his wife was sitting at another table. I know she couldnt hear and I think he waited on purpose to get me alone.
Now I don't know how to act around this guy. I told my bf and he was really pissed off. I told him not to say anything because i was worried this other guy and his wife might have a fight.
What should i do? (link)
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If you and your boyfriend find yourselves in the company of this guy again, I recommend that you BOTH act as normally as possible. Your boyfriend does not have to stick to you like glue because I have a sure-fire comment you can make that should make this married flirt back-off FAST. I've used it before and it does work. You can very firmly and seriously tell him that if he hits on you again (and he is hitting on you) that you will have to inform his wife - your OTHER friend - AND your boyfriend. Tell him that his behavior is inappropriate even if he's saying it "as a friend." The tell him that he needs to go over and be with his WIFE, then you go off to be with your boyfriend, or other friends...meaning, walk away from the guy to allow your words time to sink in. Don't stick around for him to try to make excuses like telling you "[I said it] as a friend." LOL If he were to be thinking of you ONLY as a friend, then he should have no problem whatsoever to give you a compliment IN FRONT of your boyfriend. For example, he could say, "'Rob' [name for your boyfriend], 'Lisa' [your name] is such a beautiful woman. I'm sure you would agree. You're a handsome couple." A lot of guys wouldn't do this of course, but I'm trying to say that it is okay to give compliments to other people's partners in such a way that it is not a come-on.
Let your boyfriend in on how you intend to handle this guy should he approach you again. Your boyfriend will hopefully agree to handle this guy with maturity and decency. If for some reason this guy is completely idiotic and stubborn and continues to hit on you when you all are out together, then, in front of him, be true to your words and say to "Rob," "Sweetie, do you know what 'John' just said to me?..." That will surely wake the guy up and he'll probably be stumbling all over himself to make up something to say to your boyfriend. Let him try to get out of his mess on his own. Tell your boyfriend to remain calm and say whatever he thinks is appropriate at the time. Sure, try to keep this guy's wife out of this mess, but if he goes too far, don't hesitate to act on your warning and tell her that her husband is hitting on you. She certainly won't be happy, and maybe she already knows that he's a boar, so be prepared for a reaction that may not be what you want or expect. My suggestion is to leave her out of this completely or at least as long as possible. I suspect she does know he's a flirt. You have the power to cut this guy off. Take control of the situation. And your boyfriend can help if need be.
This never feels comfortable so I hope that it won't happen again. If it does, I wish you luck in confronting this guy about his inappropriate behavior.
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I honestly don't think I like my boyfriend anymore. He's wayy too protective, and he'll always say the stupidest things. I just woke up this morning & I really don't like him as much as I used to. Should I ignore this feeling, and maybe it'll go away? Or, do you think you shouldn't have negative feelings about your relationship when you're dating someone? + I'm NOT Pmsing. (: lol Thanks. (link)
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Sounds to me like you've outgrown this relationship. If you're hearing his comments as "stupid" too often, then you probably have moved on in your maturity and tolerance for such things. If someone is being overly "protective" I have to wonder if that actually means "possessive," and that sure isn't a good sign. Overly protective or possessive - both are signals that something isn't right. At least to me they are. Someone being overly protective can seem to be too clingy and can make a person feel boxed-in, trapped. Possessiveness is dangerous especially since it involves jealousy more often than not. And it usually doesn't go away.
If you're thinking about this whole thing - not liking him anymore - on a consistent basis, then you probably need to move on. You'd not only be doing yourself a favor, but you'd be doing him one too, even if he feels hurt at first.
I tell as many people as I can that the best thing to do is to follow your instincts - your gut feelings. Don't ignore them! Don't push them away. However, if these feelings just surfaced and maybe something happened between the two of you to cause these feelings to pop out now, then give it a short while and see if you are continuing to feel this way. If you already have been feeling this way for a while, then let him go. And you're right, it's not right for either of you to stick with a relationship just because you think you should. It's not good for either of you if you're having negative feelings about your partner or the relationship.
LISTEN TO YOUR GUT! Good luck.
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well ive been dating this guy for like 2months now and im in love with him! were complete oppisite but we cant get enough of eachother! but about a week ago he told me that he had cheated on his last girlfriend and im a very jelouse person and now all i do is blame him and accuse him of cheating on me! he does certin things to make me jelouse, like drive by her house and break his neck to look over me into her windows and talked about her all the time and throws her in my face when i do something he doesnt like! like he'll say for example " oh, amanda would never act this way," or "amanda would do it" and now hes even acting kinda mysteriouse and not calling me and when i ask his mom y he hasnt called me she tells me that she thought that he was because for the past 3 nights he has been talking on the phone till 3am! i dont know wat to do i love him alot but i dont know if hes tryn to test me or hes cheating on me and i just dont know it! (link)
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Well, for one thing your boyfriend sounds like he is very immature. However, did he start trying to make you jealous as soon as you became jealous due to his confession to you about what he did to his previous girlfriend? If you've been blaming him for certain things (?) and accusing him of cheating, is he just responding to that, albeit immaturely? I am NOT condoning what he is doing to you right now, but I'm just curious if this started as soon as he made his confession.
He could have told you about his previous cheating because he wanted to be up front and honest with you. I can understand though why you then would be a little worried if he'd do something like that again, but it doesn't sound like you gave him much of a chance to prove himself to you. (From what you've written, I wouldn't bank on this being the case - that he was just trying to be honest, I'm sorry to say.) On an entirely different note, maybe he was telling you about his previous affair to let you know what type of person he is - someone who is unable to commit and thus may have the desire to do it again. A "warning" of sorts. Uh oh...not good.
You two have only been dating for two months and even though you feel like you love him, I don't think you've known him long enough to really know 1) much about him, and 2) if you're truly feeling love, or if you're infatuated with him...and he with you. Love and infatuation are totally different things. Love lasts and infatuation usually dims and goes away.
Again, I believe his behavior is extremely childish and mean, but your jealousy leads me to believe that you are very insecure. Jealousy is derived from insecurity about one's self and often the relationship at hand.
Ask yourself - HONESTLY - if this guy isn't just a player and he, for some reason, gets off on making girls jealous by doing the things he does. I'm thinking that this attitude of his makes him feel powerful and boosts his ego in unhealthy ways. If he's not calling you, but you're finding out that he's on the phone a lot (I'm sorry his mother told you that), you might want to try talking to him withOUT anger, jealous reactions, etc. and ask him what exactly is going on. You also might want to ask him in a calm way - not when he's actually doing this - why he still seems to be stuck on this old girlfriend by peering into her home and throwing her up in your face when he's angry. That last part concerns me. I think that is a sign of complete lack of respect for you and that perhaps he thinks it will make you "straighten out." Wrong. The guy's thinking is just too skewed for my liking.
I'd be careful with his guy. Sounds like you're already being hurt after only two months. Man, that's not a good sign. As hard as it may be, if I were you, I'D start backing off from this guy and setting your sights elsewhere. You don't need this kind of grief. He's definitely acting like a jerk. Do you want to continue being with someone like that? Do you want your jealousy issues fueled all the time by having someone who is obviously not putting all of his energies into your relationship and then TRYING to make you jealous? You're worth more than that. And try really hard to work on remembering that you're worth more than that and that you DO deserve respect and someone who will pay attention to you and when he's unhappy deal with the situation between YOU and HIM and not throw up past relationships to try to make a point. Bad news, sweetie.
Good luck. Please, please work on your self esteem and becoming more secure about who YOU are and what you actually want in a relationship.
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Hi Susanna
Thankyou for answering my question about my bf not wanting me to be happy at work.
Well I read your answer and you have some interesting questions. I thought about where you said that just because he makes good money doenst mean he likes his job, and that me being so happy at my job makes him envious. Well i believe you are right... this is his work scheldule : he has to work 12 hour shifts, two weeks STRAIGHT before he gets any days off. Then he has two weeks off but he spends most of it sleeping. He has never admitted it to me but I think he is getting burnt out. He is a chef and thinks the money it too good, but really, whats more important, money, or happiness? It's also a 12 hours drive from his (our) city to the oil rig camp. When you asked if he had be jeolous of my happiness before I remember several times when some really cool things happened for me where he was not supportive at all. For example, me and my mother were published in a national magazine last year, and he was acting very jeoulous. He said he never even read the article and when I mentioned it he would snap. He would also pout if I would do things with my father instead of him. I think that your'e right about him being fearful of me meeting other people at my job. He seems to like to control my friendships. Maybe he's worried that because he's gone working all the time that I will meet a guy at work?
Well I've been thinking a lot lately about this guy and the more I think about it I'm happier that he is gone working most of the time just because what a jerk he is to me. He could probably sense that I sounded relieved that he had to go back to the camp the last time I talked and that pissed him off.
So my next question to you is: after everything I've told you, do you think this guy even cares about me at all? Or does it sound like he's just a control freak and wants everything his way? (link)
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Hi there. I'm glad you wrote back. It sure sounds like you're trying to look at this whole situation very wisely.
Yes, I'm sure this guy cares about you, but how healthy is the relationship is the key question. Does he care about what goes on in your life, or does he care about you being there for and with him? It does sound like he could be a control freak and wants everything his way. When you said that you feel he has seemed to try to control your friendships before, that really concerned me. That's not a good thing and it's kind of scary if you think about it. If he were around a lot more than he is, what all else would he try to control? And, would you even be able to HAVE friendships much at all? The fact that he gets all bent out of shape when you want to do things with your father is, to me, an indicator of something gone very awry. And that, too, is scary to me. You wanting to do things with your parents from time to time should NOT cause him any grief if he really cares about you. Surely he'd want you to continue having a good relationship with your folks. However, many abusive guys start out by trying to control their girlfriend's/wife's jobs, friendships, family encounters, schedules, etc. I'm not saying this guy is abusive, because I truly don't know. But he's already showing some classic signs of abusive behavior with EVERYTHING you've mentioned. Sometimes this behavior turns into violence as the abuser feels like he or she is losing more control. Sometimes, the abuser does not turn towards physical violence, but uses emotional and verbal abuse. It sounds like he's already getting the emotional abuse down. And if you read about abusive behavior, researchers say that the emotional abuse is often more difficult to get over because one keeps telling him or herself that it isn't as "bad" as physical abuse, there are no scars, and, oh, in reality it's not as bad as it could be. Aack! Watch out for that kind of thinking.
From what you've said - and I'm only guessing here - it sounds as though he would have liked it if you'd gotten a job that wasn't all that great; where you didn't meet people he didn't already know and who he couldn't "control" as far as being with you; and I'd bet he would have liked it if you had a job in which you could arrange being available to him when he's home after his long 12 days...whether he sleeps most of that time or not. The idea of you just being there, waiting for him, probably made him feel a lot more secure. He sounds like he's very insecure and of course that's where jealousy about anything comes from. When you described his job, I couldn't help but think how much he must not like it. Or, at least it is a job where he doesn't have much fun and I bet you're right, he's burning out. Who wouldn't after a schedule like he has?! But, I wouldn't look at the possibility of his being burned out as an excuse for how he's treating you. He's being very childish, if you ask me.
My ex-husband is a chef and worked ridiculous hours and too many days at a time. He didn't try to control my friendships, but he sure didn't support my accomplishments as an artist, a writer and teacher. Your story about how your guy reacted (or did NOT react) to you and your mom being published (which, by the way...CONGRATULATIONS! and I want to know where you were published and what it was all about...but I digress), brought back memories of the times I was published and how my ex-husband reacted. He did NOT give me any support, was not thrilled, etc. He always first wanted to know how much money I would make. Never a congrats first. And, he even asked once why in the world I would have written what I did and why the magazine would have printed my piece! When I was commissioned to do several pieces of artwork for a university, he asked, "Why? Why would they want YOU? They don't even know you." Sigh. This went on too long, so, along with many other problems, I decided not to stay with him any longer. And yes, I know he cared about and loved me in his way. But I needed more and I needed to not feel as though I had to defend my joy or my accomplishments. Do you get what I'm saying, because I know I'm writing an awful lot. Sorry about that. But you should know, your situation is reminding me a lot of mine. Let me tell you how much happier I've been without someone dragging me down for whatever reason. It took a while for me to see what this emotional abuse (there was more to it than what I've mentioned) was doing to me. But with you, you sound as though you're seeing it in good time and have the opportunity to get yourself out of a potentially unhealthy union fast. Geez, no wonder you look forward to him leaving for his job. I bet you have to be on your toes when he's around and I'm guessing you often have to walk on egg shells so as not to upset him or "cause" him to pout. What a way to have to live...not!
Long answer, as usual, but I hope I answered your main question. Just be careful, follow your gut - listen carefully! You need to be with someone who can appreciate all that you're made of and that includes your friendships, work, creativity, and family. You need someone who does and acts like he trusts you, and very importantly respects you. This guy doesn't sound like that to me. You deserve a lot better even if that sounds like a cliché. I honestly believe you do! Please keep in touch with me if you'd like about this whole thing. I'm interested to know how it all works out. My e-mail address is soysusana@verizon.net. Good luck. I think you've got a great head on your shoulders.
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ok, so it was just last night that I had my first slow dance ever. & it was with just who i wanted it to be with, my crush. & he knows i like him, most people say it was a bad idea telling him, but i think its good, we talk way more now!!.. but anyways, we danced to this song that was like "you cant tell me its not worth fightin for" & I thought it was sooo true in my case. but anyways, the whole time we were dancing he was talking to this other girl, who is way skinnier & prettier than me :( & I felt soo bad because I was just thinking, "whats the point on dancing with him. its just breaking my heart more.. does he even care how i feel?" & when the song ended, ((luckily it was the 2nd to last song of the night)) I just sat on the wall & cried, because, it broke my heart more dancing with him but still knowing that I can never have him! what should I do?! I want to be with him so bad, but it seems like he doesnt care that much. I cant let him go, & I dont want to. I want to hang out with him, & get to be better friends, but I dont know how! please please please help!! (link)
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Oh man. Your first slow dance ever and with your "dream guy," and it didn't work out the way you had fantasized. I'm really sorry that happend. I know it must have felt like the pits and I'm so sorry that you ended up crying your eyes out. ¡Pobresita! I feel for you, but believe me, we've all gone through something similar if not the exact thing. It may have felt like the end of the world, but it wasn't. Read on:
I don't know if this guy was just being rude, or if he was being rude (he probably had no idea he was being this way) and he's the type of guy who just chats it up with all sorts of people any chance he gets. He's either a guy who doesn't get too serious with anyone; tries to pretend like he's maybe serious about too many girls; or, he just doesn't get into slow dancing like you do. (A lot of girls find slow dancing way more romantic than guys. And some guys get a little scared of that romantic notion. They don't know how to act.) Whatever the case, he was insensitive to you whoever you are to him. But especially since you told him that you like him, he was even more insensitive. Though, again, he may not have even realized that. He could just be the type of person who doesn't get all that serious and likes to just have fun whenever he's around a lot of people.
Please, please don't get into comparing your looks to other girls (or women, later in your life). I'm sure you're just beautiful and you sound like a sweetheart. You really have no idea why he was talking to this other girl. But if she was dancing with someone, then I doubt that he was flirting with her while he was dancing with you and she was dancing with someone else. That would be pretty stupid.
Why do you think he danced with you to begin with? I'd think about that. My guess is that he wouldn't have danced with you if he wasn't interested in you in some way. OK, maybe as a friend, but knowing that you like him, I'd bet he was thinking of you as maybe more than a friend. Most guys don't dance with just anyone.
It sounds as though you are wearing your feelings on your sleeve right now - feeling vulnerable because you told him somethng so special and personal. Because of that (and it is very understandable to feel that way especially if people are telling you you shouldn't have told him anything), then I think you may be taking things a little too personally and misreading him. You say that ever since you told him that you like him you guys have been talking a lot more. That's great. So, you two are talking more AND you danced together. Wow! Both of those things are good indicators that he probably likes you too.
Try not to read into things so much and just go with the flow right now if you can. That means that you might want to take it a little easier and slow down a bit. Don't talk about how much you like him to all sorts of people. He may find that scary eventually and not know what to do. Give him some space and just see where things lead. Do NOT ignore him to give him space. Just don't crowd him if you know what I mean. Try not to be clingy.
If for some reason this guy is the type of guy to flirt with all sorts of girls and doesn't commit to any relationship, or he doesn't seem to be giving you the respect you deserve, then you will need to work on doing what you said you can't and don't want to do: let go. As hard as that sounds, you CAN do it and it may be the best thing for you so that you don't feel hurt all the time. But I would suggest that you not write this relationship off just yet. Get to know him better and CONTINUE talking to him like you guys have been doing. Don't bring up the dance and simply act like all is well between the two of you because I'm betting all IS well. Don't push him away by acting jealous and hurt. You guys have barely started anything and I think you need to relax and enjoy this friendship that may indeed turn into something more.
I'm sorry you felt so bad and that you're feeling a little desperate right now. But take a deep breath, try not to assume anything, get to know this guy better, and don't give up yet! Keep your chin held high and show some dignity by trying to gather up some self-esteem. You did nothing wrong by telling him that you like him. I bet he thinks you're sweet for telling him that. Just continue being your sweet self. You'll be okay, I promise. Good luck. You never know what may happen...
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I am 19 years old and my ex-boyfriend is 20. We were together for 2.5 years before I broke up with him. I broke up with him because I had been trying to fix the problems in the relationship, but nothing seemed to be improving. I ended up cheating on him, and that made me realize that something was missing in our relationship that I needed.
Well in the two months that I left him, the guy I cheated on him with, who I had thought was so great, ended up being a liar and breaking my heart. The next guy I was with ended up raping me. Then my family and friends turned on me. Then I lost my job. The one person that has been helping me through this is my ex-boyfriend.
He tried winning me over while we were broken up, but I resisted. Once my life turned to crap, and I realized how good he was to me, I wanted him back too. But that same day, he found out about the cheating, so now we are still broken up. He forgave me for cheating, but he says he needs some time to myself, which I understand. We still see each other every week or so, and so now we are in a friends with benefits sort of relationship. Neither of us is interested in seeing other people, we're just not officially going out.
But today he called me and said that he might be going back home, going off to Europe, in a half a year or so. He doesn't know what he's going to do exactly. He might stay here or he might go. It's so hard waiting for him to come back to me now, so I can't imagine us getting back together and me getting used to having him around all the time again, then having to deal with him being gone for 6 months or longer. He promised me that if he left, he would come back here for me, but I don't know if I can live with that burden.
It's so hard to deal with. If I hadn't gone through all this trauma, I think I'd probably be thinking about this differently. But he is seriously the only person in my life who I deeply love and care for. He loves me deeply as well. The only thing is, is love enough? We both love each other, but I don't think we're "in love." But after dealing with such horrible people, I can not imagine me ever looking at anyone else. He is the person I trust to be with me through thick in thin, despite of our petty relationship problems. Is it so bad to be with someone for security, companionship, familiarity, and not because you're "in love?" He has done 10x more for me than anyone else in my life. (link)
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First of all, I want to address your horrible experience of being raped. Have you received any counseling for this assualt? If not, then I strongly encourage you to do so. One can not just push something like that into the background and hope that it won't affect any future relationships. You may feel like you've gotten over it...for now...but the memories of a rape can creep up on you when you least expect them to. I know. I've been there. And, I am so terribly sorry that you had that happen to you. I so want you to get some kind of counseling so that you can truly deal with the emotions you might very well be holding in. I can't help but think that you might be doing this since you barely brushed on that subject in your description of what has gone on in your life recently.
When you were together you said that you were "trying to fix the problems in the relationship." Were you the main one, or the only one, who was working on the problems in your relationship. You can't "fix" a relationship all by yourself. And, you certainly can't try to change the other person. You can help them change IF they are willing and wanting to change. The fact that you had an affair while you were still with your boyfriend concerns me because you obviously weren't satisfied with what you two had. You mentioned this yourself and I think you were very insightful to realize this. It seems as though it has been because of and since your tumultuous traumas that you are feeling the need to have this man back in your life. There are certainly people who come into our lives who are angels, so to speak, and who will be there for you through thick and thin, but they may not necessarily be the one you should or want to spend the rest of your life with in an intimate relationship. That kind of person can either be your life partner, depending on many other circumstances, or he/she can be a life-long friend. I would encourage you not to make any long term decisions right now about this man. You say at the end of your letter that the relationship problems are "petty." But are they really? You left him before because of these problems and people do not usually leave relationships due to "petty" problems. The fact that you originally mentioned that you left the relationship (you did when you first decided to have an affair) because problems were not being resolved is something I think you definitely need to keep in mind.
It sounds as though you two more than likely really love and respect one another, but friends can do that as well. True friends are there for each other through "thick and thin." Allow him to be that friend to you now, but I would not fall into a relationship other than that until you deal with your inner self and all that has happened to you. I feel that you must trust yourself and get to know yourself enough so that you truly know what you NEED in a relationship. You two have been together since you were 16.5 years old. You were pretty young to be in a long-lasting relationship, though that doesn't mean that it couldn't work just because of your young age at the beginning of the relationship. The reason why I mention it is because you may be completely reliant on one another without having had GOOD and different experiences in your lives that help all of us 1) get to know ourselves better, and 2) to know what we need, want and expect in a relationship.
The love you two have for each other may indeed evolve into a deep and soulful relationship but I would tend to think that you guys need time to explore that without having to comfort one another because of horrid circumstances. Those horrid circumstances and the memories of them will abate and then how will the relationship truly survive? That is a question you may not be able to answer right now and I would caution you to realize that and not go too far in what you think you SHOULD do or how you SHOULD be feeling. Security, companionship and familiarity are definitely things you want to look for in a relationship, but you also need to have a deep and true love with an emotional commitment to one another that includes working on problems in the relationship together and trusting one another.
Perhaps it is meant to be that he will be going back to Europe for a while. I would think that some distance between you two right about now might be very good for both of you. You should be able to step back from the situation that has grown now in the way that it has grown, and really analyze your feelings. Getting counseling now and during his absence will surely do you a world of good and again, I highly encourage you to go for it. Be the best of friends now, appreciate the comraderie you have and the specialness of your friendship, but tread slowly and perhaps you'll be able to deal with his absence a little better. Though it may be hard to have him so far away, you two will still be able to communicate frequently with one another. Truly try to think of his time away as something that you both need and is healthy for right now with all the baggage you still have left over from before your "life turned to crap." Learn to rely on yourself and to trust yourself for the emotional strength that we all need to help us survive in this world. Having someone there to be right beside us is wonderful, but it won't work for long until we learn how to know and appreciate ourselves. It also won't work until we know exactly what we want in our lives...and what we need. And we can't honestly know that until we work very hard at getting to the inner self of our beings. And in your case, because of what all you've been through, you need more than anything to have the opportunity to heal your inner self AND then to know and love it as well.
I wish you all the best with this situation. I know it's not easy, but I think that you are trying very hard to look at things in a mature and intellectual way. And as I said before, I believe that you're quite insightful. Just learn to listen to that insightfulness and follow what it is telling you.
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Why would it upset a guy that you're just dating (not living with or sharing any expenses) that you finally found a good job at that you're happy with? I have my own appartment and my bf has his own place. He has a very good paying job in the oil rig camp but with crazy hours. When I told him how much fun I was having at my new part time job he was acting really strange, like he wasnt happy for me. This was really weird because he used to be upset when I was unemployed and encouraged me to find employement. I almost got the feeling that he was even jealous? Or maybe it was my imagination.
Anyways, now he hasnt talked to me in several weeks. What do you think is his problem? (link)
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I have to wonder if your boyfriend is happy in his job. It may be well-paying, but he could hate it just the same. Perhaps your extreme happiness with your new job makes him feel envious that he doesn't have that kind of feeling for his job. However, why he'd take that out on you is anyone's guess. You say that he has "crazy hours." Do your hours conflict with his? Do you get the impression that he feels that you two don't have much time for each other anymore? Have you ever noticed if he's the type of guy who might be fearful of losing your relationship if you developed other friendships? How did he act towards your other feelings of happiness in the past - about anything? Do you think that he felt more in control of the relationship when he was telling you that you needed to get a job? Were you always depressed when you weren't working and he "took care of you," so that now he feels like he isn't needed any longer?
When you were unemployed, why was HE upset? Was that because you were upset and he didn't like seeing you that way? Or, did he think that you needed to get out more? Was he afraid that he'd feel obligated to support you financially without work?
I know that I'VE asked a lot of questions, but I'm trying to get you to look at this in different ways and try to look back over your relationship with this guy to see if you saw any signs before now that he'd act like this. Maybe you didn't and this truly came out of the blue. I can't help but wonder what really is going on with this guy since 1) he didn't act at all supportive of your present happiness with this job, and 2) he hasn't called you in several weeks. I'd have to wonder what in the world is keeping him at such a distance.
I would certainly take the bull by the horns and call this guy and ask him what is going on and why you haven't heard from him. Ask him if something was going on in his life that was unpleasant the last time you saw him because he didn't seem very pleased with the news you were sharing with him. If he says nothing was bothering him in particular, get straight to the point and ask him if your new job and how you feel about it are causing him grief in some way, and if so, why. Tell him that you credit him for his support and encouragement when you needed to go out and find a job. You did and now you're happy.
If he doesn't open up with you and he continues to act weird, then I'd say you might want to consider moving on...without him...because you don't need someone pouting or acting out his possible jealousy while you are building a new life with new co-workers/friends and you're excited about doing so. You need someone who can be happy with and for you.
I hope you can find out what is going on with this guy. But if he doesn't come around with his attitude, then I say you definitely deserve someone who will respect your choices and the fact that you can and are making new friends and enjoying your job. I wish you luck!
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alright well theres this guy and I've always had a little thing for him.. I'm always going to have feelins for this guy but alright it seems like im his back up..well hes screwed me over about 3 times like he wil ltell me all this stuff like " I like you sooo much you have no idea" "I'm serious this time" all that kinda stuff..then in school he wont talk to me and i don't know its weird..and well the past 3 times he does the same thing then about 3 weeks ago he did it again and then the next day at school he didnt talk to me and that night he never called me and called his ex and was like "I Want you back I like you so much" and shes my bestfriend..its so complicated..but see now the past week and a half it started all over..now hes doing it all again except this time i dont know whether 2 believe him because I don't want to get hurt again..like all the other times before i dont think he ever really liked me.. i mean his reputation is like he likes 5 girls at a time and he tells u what you wanna hear but its not true and stuff..but this time i dont know it seems like it might be different i mean all his friends are like do you like him do you like him..he calls me everyday we're on the phone for awhile everynight..and i dont know what to believe..i dont want to take the risk of getting hurt again but i like him soo much and i mean i guess i just WISH everything hes saying is true..like idk its happened around 4 times how he would be like I Like you soo much babe im serious this time..think about it..and everything and then he doesnt talk to me in school the next day and the next night doesnt even call me and calls other girls and tells them the exact samee thing..but this week and a half he has talked to me in school and isnt really saying it to other girls..and like all the other times before my friends would be like you like her? because he would always tell me he liked me and he would tell my friends no and eveyrthing like that..and see hes telling my bestfriend (not his ex) that hes trying to change and everything..but i dont know..please help with any advice you have..it would be so much..i know its confusing..and theres way more to the story but yeah..thanks so much!!! (link)
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I don't know how young you guys are, but this fellow seems like he's already a player. I don't like what he's putting you through, nor do I like what he's obviously putting other girls through. Actually sweetie, he sounds like a jerk. OK, we all like jerks at one time or another in our lives - even women go through this. As I said to one other questioner, there is an old saying that goes like this, "Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice, shame on me." That means that you've been allowing yourself to get burned over and over again by this guy and I would have to ask myself why? It sure sounds like you like something about this guy, but by now, aren't you getting tired of his games? It sounds as though you've made yourself available to him whenever he decides he wants to come crawling back to you. That then allows him to continue doing to you what he's been doing because he knows you'll take him back no matter what.
I know you said that this time feels different to you and that his friends are asking you if you like him or not - I'm guessing they haven't done this in the past? - but think real hard, and ask yourself if this really, really is different than how it has been in the past. OK, so his guy friends are approaching you this time and that may give you hope. I can understand that. And, he says he's changing. That's unfortunately a great line to give to girls when a guy is trying to get in good favor with them. I personally don't think he's had much time TO change. Sounds to me like he needs a few years to go before he can honestly change his ways.
I think you're putting yourself in a terribly emotionally draining situation by even considering this guy to be in your life anymore. Try to be the one who makes the mature choice to have this merry-go-round stop! Surely there are other guys out there who would be much more fun to be with, you wouldn't be on an emotional roller coaster all the time, you wouldn't have to worry if he's already got his eye on another girl, etc. As I've said before to others, if you keep yourself tied to this guy in whatever way, you're closing the door to allowing other, sweet, kind guys in your life. Guys who will respect you and not play head games with you.
So for now, I'd distance myself from this guy. If you're really, really stuck on him, at least make yourself unavailable for a while (a good while!) and see how things go. You may find that you discover someone else more deserving of you to put your energy into, and that you really don't like this guy as much as you think you do. You also may force his hand, in that he will be so stunned that you are not available to him just because he's come back, that it will help him try to truly change. But beware. As I said above, I am betting this guy is NOT ready to change, no matter what YOU do. YOU can't make anyone change, so don't even spend you're energy trying. Why would he want to change right now when all the girls he's hopping around with keep accepting him back into their lives?!
You deserve A LOT better and a good guy is out there for you. Allow yourself to experience being treated well. Don't fall into a rut that is so difficult to get out of. I wish you luck and I am hoping that you open that door to someone else. Let me know how things end up. I'm guessing you'll make the healthy and right decision if you really think about how you're being treated - which is very badly. And that stinks!
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I was really upset about something a guy friend (or so I thought) did to me.
Well I have a mental illness (schizophrenia) and am on a small disablility pension. I don't just sit around on my ass, I volunteer at the food bank and other places to keep me busy.
Well I went to visit my friend at his work one day. And all of a sudden, for no reason at all he starts saying the meanest things to me, like that I was living off the system and wasnt going to better my life. When I started crying and said he was being judgemental he said "you needed to hear this", in the meanest voice.
I havent been back to see him and he hasnt phoned to apologize. I even heard that he has been talking to his friends about me spazzing out.
Why he is being so mean? Do I have a right to be upset or am I overeacting? And should I even give him a second chance? (link)
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This guy absolutely does NOT sound like a friend to me. Too many people don't understand the reasoning behind Disability benefits, but MOST of those people don't go around saying ugly and mean things about people who desperately need this kind of help. The "system" was designed especially for people like you and thank God this sort of help is available or we'd have more homeless people wandering around aimlessly than we already do. Many of those people have mental illnesses and were not able to get help from the "system" for one reason or another and it's really an injustice.
The other thing is that he obviously does not know or understand anything about schizophrenia. But that doesn't really matter. What DOES matter is that he's making fun of your illness and that is so not what a friend does! I don't care if he doesn't know a thing about your illness, he has no business trashing you or your illness to anyone. What a royal jerk.
Unfortunately, too many people think that everyone who gets help from the government is cheating the government and yes, there are those who do. But, there are so many people who truly need help from the government and there is no shame in that at all. Perhaps he doesn't understand that you're getting disability but you're able to so some kind of work, i.e., volunteering. He obviously does not understand that many people on disability are able to work, but not the length of hours, or the type of work others do. Some days are great, and some days are horrible. Being able to work is not a consistent and reliable thing for most people with disabilities. Sounds like he thinks you're on a free ride and he's probably jealous, no matter how misguided he is. And believe me, this guy IS misguided in oh so many ways.
Stay away from this guy. You don't need him. You don't need the stress of having him in your life. You're dealing with enough as it is. I wish you much luck and hope that you're able to be happy and content with whatever you need and decide to do. Congratulations on getting disability benefits! It can be one rough process to go through and it doesn't always work out for the people who really, really need it. I'm very happy that you were approved for these benefits! You obviously need them and hooray for the "system" in seeing that!
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pretty long... but please read and help
ok so around the beginning of october this guy told me he liked me.. i sorta liked him and we were good friends but i still didnt know him too well.. ok so he asked me out on the 6th.. but i said no.. we kept talking and we ended up going out 3 times between them and now. we talked all the time and it was like i knew him better than any1 else EVER i had fun with him and i liked how he treated me..he seriosuly treated me the best!!!!..ok so i broke up with him 3 times.. and during those times we still acted liek we were going out, we just sorta took space, and eventually went out.. its kinda like i want what i cant have!! && i hate that!..i dont know but on monday i found out from my friend that he smoked that saturday [we broke up thursday] i was so mad.. he didnt even tell me and he also told me he stopped.. i 4gave him b.c we werent going out then and it wasnt toooo big of a deal but still.. the next day i find out he likes another girl.. now when we were going out he would always say i love you soooooo much blah blah and he really did, but he said the same thing to that girl! he lied to me alot these last few days.. he even said he wanted me and didnt like the girl anymore, then that night he came out and said it was a lie.. so now he doesnt like me or the other girl BUT a new girl [he went out with a couple months ago] theyre prob going to go out and i just dont know what to do and feel..this last week i coudlnt concnetrate at all at school and ive been so sad. now i know this sounds really stupid but there is so much more to our situation and so many more lies.. but now that he lieks this other girl def. i just idk i like him so much! i dont know what to do.. i think i might have loved him..please just tell me what im going through and what i do and how i get over it
please
will rate
and thanks for reading (link)
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Sounds like you guys have had a really up and down relationship from the start - and the relationship wasn't even that long. Wow, that's hard. And, it could be an indicator that this is just not going to work out between the two of you.
Why did you break up with him three times? Was it all because of his lying? If that's the reason, then I can understand why you'd want to break up with the guy, but why did you let him continue his games after the first time you forgave him and took him back? There's an old saying, "Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice, shame on me."
What did you mean that you want what you can't have? It sounds like you had this guy and then you broke up with him, so again, I'm a little confused as to why you broke up with him so many times. Maybe NOW you're feeling like you want what you can't have because he's unavailable? Ahhh, that does happen, doesn't it? Yep, I think we all go through that and it's usually been my experience that we do because we still have feelings for the other person, we haven't moved on yet, and we're wondering why in the world it didn't work out between US!
If this guy has the nasty habit of lying all the time, how would you ever trust him? I'd really look hard at that and let that help guide you in trying to let this guy go. Sure, this business about him telling you about the other girls he likes is painful. But why is he doing that? To make you hurt because he hurt when you broke up with him? OK, well, that's not a great sign - to hurt someone back because you're hurting, though it's all too common. Or does he get off on trying to make you jealous to see if that gets you back around to him? OK, then, that isn't good either! Playing mind games is so completely immature, insensitive and unnecessary.
Sounds like this guy isn't worth your attentions. I'd be very wary of a relationship that has had so many ups and downs in such a short period of time. Who needs to have his or her emotions on a roller coaster all the time?!
I'm wondering if you really "loved" this guy or if maybe you just felt a connection with him that was different from any other guy you've known so far. That doesn't necessarily mean love. It can...eventually. I don't doubt that you think you might have loved him. Love feelings are totally confusing sometimes. But you shouldn't have to feel confused throughout your entire relationship with someone AND there should be honest communication between two partners. I strongly suggest that you acknowledge your feelings for this guy, tell yourself that you had a mostly good time with him but it wasn't healthy, allow yourself to grieve a little while, but try moving on because you deserve so much better! You deserve to be respected and if someone is telling you lies, then he or she is not giving you any respect. So, respect yourself, and go about your business with school, activities and your friends. Try not to dwell too much on this even if that's hard to do right now. Keep reminding yourself that you don't need this kind of aggravation. You also don't need to be in a relationship where you're having to set up "rules," like not smoking, no lying, etc. That's not exactly the basis for a long-lasting relationship. Try to find a guy who has your same set of values, i.e., no smoking, no lying.
Yep, you're hurting right now and that is SO normal. It will always be that way when a relationship ends - a good one or a bad one. But the pain WILL go away and later, when you find someone who deserves you, then you'll probably laugh at how much you allowed this guy to get into your head. Believe me, you'll be okay IF you can move on and away from this particular guy. Good luck. I know it's not easy to let go.
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I have been with my boyfriend for 1 1/2 yrs. We moved in together about 4 months ago. And I asked him before I agreed to move in with him if he thought he loved me enough to ever marry. He said yes. But since we have moved in together I am scared he will never ask me. How do I know if he ever will or not? (link)
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I want to answer your question by first telling you a little story of my own. My now EX-husband told me that he wanted to marry me and I was the love of his life. We moved in together and stayed UNmarried for THREE years! That was not MY choice, but there was nothing I could do to make it any different than it was. I believe that he would have been very happy if we had just remained the way we were. In retrospect, I should have gotten out when he first brushed off the idea of marriage AFTER we were living together. But I was pretty young (not all that young, though - 24) and definitely naive. He was the first man I had ever lived with and I had thought that I'd never do that. Ah, but things change. Anyhow, there were many indicators while we were living together that a marriage wouldn't work. I did not follow my gut, but instead was determined to get married since I'd made the decision to live with him. Oh me or my. How ignorant was I?
Now in your case, you guys have only been living together for 4 months. I will not presume to think that your guy is or will be like my former husband. In fact, I don't think it's necessarily a bad idea for couples to live together before marrying. So, on that note, I'd be patient, but set a time limit for yourself as to how long you're willing to wait. And if you are waiting a good while and he seems to be happy just the way you are, then be very observant to his intentions. Decide when you will confront him on those intentions if the two of you are not having an open communication right now about what your future holds. That, my friend, is the key - communication. My former husband did not want to communicate anything other than, "Not now, let's wait." He drove me crazy with not wanting to discuss our situation and make definite plans with me. OK, so I was an idiot, but I sure learned from that experience.
I wouldn't obsess on whether or not he's going to ask you to marry him at this point. You guys have not lived together long enough...it is my feeling...for you to drive yourself nuts worrying. However, I would begin trying to discuss this whole thing with him and let him know your feelings. Again, give your relationship a chance, open a dialogue with him, and make a time limit for yourself. I don't mean give the guy an ultimatum. Oh man, those don't ever seem to work. They too often backfire. Just know what you will need to do for yourself if you guys don't come to some agreement in the near future.
I wish you luck. Try to relax and remember that communication is a key to a good marriage. If he's not willing to communicate openly now, how will he be once you guys are married? I sure should have asked myself that question...
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I am a married man who a few months ago was asked to go to lunch by a female coworker. She's 23 and I am 36 and she has a boyfriend and if it means anything we are both considered very attractive. I initially didn't take her up on her offer, but then agreed after she asked me a few other times. We went to lunch and we talked about work and stuff and she paid. Well this is now a regular occurrence and she now brings up things besides work, like sex with her boyfriend and when and how they do it. She also just recently asked me to go play tennis with her after work. Needless to say, I think we're becoming close friends. I'm just not sure what her intentions are if any. What's even more confusing is that a bunch of us went out to the bar the other night and she didn't even talk to me, spending most of her time talking to another male coworker. I would think that if we were friends she's act normal around me and talk to me in an outside work setting. But it's almost like she was afraid something may happen. I guess my question to you is am I just a victim of different generations? Is it normal for a twenty something female to hang out with a coworker, talk about sex, ask him to do extracurricular activities, and not want to be with him on a more intimate level? I'm thinking I should nip this in the bud before we do something we both will regret. (link)
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OK, yes, nip this in the bud before you guys do something you'll both regret! You are not a "victim" of different generations. You are not a victim here at all. You are clearly a participant in what is going on - age difference or not. Sure it's normal for a co-worker - female or male - to have lunch with another co-worker from time to time. However, this situation does not sound normal, or rather, it sounds like this woman definitely has an agenda planned for the two of you. Talking about sex with her boyfriend is entirely inappropriate and seems to me to be a ploy to get you arroused. I'm thinking her plan has worked from what you've written. Sigh. Step away from this woman NOW!
It struck me in the face that when the two of you recently went to a bar with other co-workers and she completely ignored you that she was obviously feeling guilty about the relationship she is trying to start with you - a relationship, I might add, that you are not discouraging - or she was assuming that others would see your attraction to one another. OK, guy, this was a good indicator of what she's thinking and how you're feeling. It pretty much sounds as though you were not only confused, but perhaps a little jealous. If indeed she was trying to "just" be your friend, then there would have been no reason for her to ignore you. Watch out for this one.
As much as you may be attracted to this woman, keep in mind that this will probably not be the only time in your married life that you'll be attracted to someone. That is only human nature. But the key to keeping yourself on the straight and narrow is to never act on those feelings of attraction. I'm sure your wife has been or will be attracted to other men from time to time. But would she act on those feelings of attraction? Probably not. Hopefully not. Why would you risk doing anything with another woman when you have a woman who you obviously chose to be your life partner? I believe that people who have extra-marital affairs only receive brief sexual pleasure (even if it starts out "raw" and exciting) usually with no love involved and the ego-stroking of another person (a younger one in this situation). Is it worth the troubled mind you will definitely have? Would it be worth the trouble it will definitely cause?
On top of the fact that this would be an ill-advised affair (any affair would be), you're running the risk of encountering an accusation of sexual harassment should you decide to end the affair. You also risk someone acting out in bizarre behavior. Did you see the movie Fatal Attraction?! Good God, man, there are so many problems that could crop up from this union. She may indeed be the assertive one and came on to you first, but you are definitely making it easy for her to continue this outrageous and brazen attempt at pulling you into her web. SHE may be the temptress, but you are being so very available to being tempted. You sound as though you already are tempted, big time! Uh-oh. Problems on the horizon - unless you make the decision that you want to get out of this situation. Do it now before it gets any further than it already has. You haven't messed up too badly yet, so don't lose your self-respect anymore than you might have. Please let this go and good luck.
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My boyfriend and I have been dating for one and a half years. He still has his exgirlfriend's engagement ring in his drawer. When I ask him what he is going to do with it he just tells me he don't know. He says, "what should I do with it?" I am sick of looking at it. She has caused so many problems for us. I just want the ring to be gone. He says he doesn't want to just give it away because it cost too much money. At this point I am ready to throw the piece of metal in the dump. What would you suggest to do with it. (link)
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I wouldn't like having this ring around either. However, I understand why your boyfriend has been at a loss about knowing what to do with it. Since he's asked you what you think he should do with it, take advantage of that and give him a few suggestions and offer to help him with the following options if you're willing:
1) He can get it appraised at several jewelers and see if any one of them would buy it from him. But beware, I tried selling my engagement ring (unique and with several different stones along with the diamonds) after I was divorced and no "new jewelry" jeweler wanted to take it because it was used. This does not mean your boyfriend won't find a jeweler who will take it, but he might want to know that could happen so he shouldn't give up.
2) There are high-end consignment shops that will take very nice jewelry and other high-end things to sell and the seller (your boyfriend) would receive a consignment percentage upon sale of the ring. We have a very unique shop that advertises as a Fine Arts shop and the things in this shop are "previously owned," exquisite and pricey. (Look under Consignment Shops or Art Galleries in the yellow pages. If you can't find what you're looking for, ask around in the galleries for something like this.)
3) He could have the gems removed from the ring and the metal melted down. One or two new pieces of jewelry can then be made from the metal and gems. I don't know if you'd like to have the new piece(s) of jewelry or not, but if you'd consider it, you might not want it as YOUR engagement ring. You may find that you'd love the results and would forget what it was to begin with. Or, you could always view it as a change of life piece of jewelry, imagining that it is a symbol of a relationship melted and destroyed with the idea that a new, better and beautiful foundation is being built for another relationship - yours. I would suggest that if you choose to go this route, that you have a significant part in the design of whatever piece(s) of jewelry that is to come from these pieces. Perhaps you'll want to add some gems of your own choosing. The other thing is that if you don't want anything that has been made from these pieces, your boyfriend might be able to sell the melted metal and the separate gems easier than trying to sell the ring.
4) An ad in the paper might work. Just be careful about the people who call and sound interested. You don't want some kook showing up who has other things in mind when he/she thinks about expensive jewelry being sold, if you know what I mean.
Anyhow, good luck. If you guys work on this together I would think that it would make you feel a lot better. You then would have some control over what happens to this thing that is hanging over your head.
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