|
in response to my bf doesnt like me to be happy at work
Hi Susanna
Thankyou for answering my question about my bf not wanting me to be happy at work.
Well I read your answer and you have some interesting questions. I thought about where you said that just because he makes good money doenst mean he likes his job, and that me being so happy at my job makes him envious. Well i believe you are right... this is his work scheldule : he has to work 12 hour shifts, two weeks STRAIGHT before he gets any days off. Then he has two weeks off but he spends most of it sleeping. He has never admitted it to me but I think he is getting burnt out. He is a chef and thinks the money it too good, but really, whats more important, money, or happiness? It's also a 12 hours drive from his (our) city to the oil rig camp. When you asked if he had be jeolous of my happiness before I remember several times when some really cool things happened for me where he was not supportive at all. For example, me and my mother were published in a national magazine last year, and he was acting very jeoulous. He said he never even read the article and when I mentioned it he would snap. He would also pout if I would do things with my father instead of him. I think that your'e right about him being fearful of me meeting other people at my job. He seems to like to control my friendships. Maybe he's worried that because he's gone working all the time that I will meet a guy at work?
Well I've been thinking a lot lately about this guy and the more I think about it I'm happier that he is gone working most of the time just because what a jerk he is to me. He could probably sense that I sounded relieved that he had to go back to the camp the last time I talked and that pissed him off.
So my next question to you is: after everything I've told you, do you think this guy even cares about me at all? Or does it sound like he's just a control freak and wants everything his way?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Hi there. I'm glad you wrote back. It sure sounds like you're trying to look at this whole situation very wisely.
Yes, I'm sure this guy cares about you, but how healthy is the relationship is the key question. Does he care about what goes on in your life, or does he care about you being there for and with him? It does sound like he could be a control freak and wants everything his way. When you said that you feel he has seemed to try to control your friendships before, that really concerned me. That's not a good thing and it's kind of scary if you think about it. If he were around a lot more than he is, what all else would he try to control? And, would you even be able to HAVE friendships much at all? The fact that he gets all bent out of shape when you want to do things with your father is, to me, an indicator of something gone very awry. And that, too, is scary to me. You wanting to do things with your parents from time to time should NOT cause him any grief if he really cares about you. Surely he'd want you to continue having a good relationship with your folks. However, many abusive guys start out by trying to control their girlfriend's/wife's jobs, friendships, family encounters, schedules, etc. I'm not saying this guy is abusive, because I truly don't know. But he's already showing some classic signs of abusive behavior with EVERYTHING you've mentioned. Sometimes this behavior turns into violence as the abuser feels like he or she is losing more control. Sometimes, the abuser does not turn towards physical violence, but uses emotional and verbal abuse. It sounds like he's already getting the emotional abuse down. And if you read about abusive behavior, researchers say that the emotional abuse is often more difficult to get over because one keeps telling him or herself that it isn't as "bad" as physical abuse, there are no scars, and, oh, in reality it's not as bad as it could be. Aack! Watch out for that kind of thinking.
From what you've said - and I'm only guessing here - it sounds as though he would have liked it if you'd gotten a job that wasn't all that great; where you didn't meet people he didn't already know and who he couldn't "control" as far as being with you; and I'd bet he would have liked it if you had a job in which you could arrange being available to him when he's home after his long 12 days...whether he sleeps most of that time or not. The idea of you just being there, waiting for him, probably made him feel a lot more secure. He sounds like he's very insecure and of course that's where jealousy about anything comes from. When you described his job, I couldn't help but think how much he must not like it. Or, at least it is a job where he doesn't have much fun and I bet you're right, he's burning out. Who wouldn't after a schedule like he has?! But, I wouldn't look at the possibility of his being burned out as an excuse for how he's treating you. He's being very childish, if you ask me.
My ex-husband is a chef and worked ridiculous hours and too many days at a time. He didn't try to control my friendships, but he sure didn't support my accomplishments as an artist, a writer and teacher. Your story about how your guy reacted (or did NOT react) to you and your mom being published (which, by the way...CONGRATULATIONS! and I want to know where you were published and what it was all about...but I digress), brought back memories of the times I was published and how my ex-husband reacted. He did NOT give me any support, was not thrilled, etc. He always first wanted to know how much money I would make. Never a congrats first. And, he even asked once why in the world I would have written what I did and why the magazine would have printed my piece! When I was commissioned to do several pieces of artwork for a university, he asked, "Why? Why would they want YOU? They don't even know you." Sigh. This went on too long, so, along with many other problems, I decided not to stay with him any longer. And yes, I know he cared about and loved me in his way. But I needed more and I needed to not feel as though I had to defend my joy or my accomplishments. Do you get what I'm saying, because I know I'm writing an awful lot. Sorry about that. But you should know, your situation is reminding me a lot of mine. Let me tell you how much happier I've been without someone dragging me down for whatever reason. It took a while for me to see what this emotional abuse (there was more to it than what I've mentioned) was doing to me. But with you, you sound as though you're seeing it in good time and have the opportunity to get yourself out of a potentially unhealthy union fast. Geez, no wonder you look forward to him leaving for his job. I bet you have to be on your toes when he's around and I'm guessing you often have to walk on egg shells so as not to upset him or "cause" him to pout. What a way to have to live...not!
Long answer, as usual, but I hope I answered your main question. Just be careful, follow your gut - listen carefully! You need to be with someone who can appreciate all that you're made of and that includes your friendships, work, creativity, and family. You need someone who does and acts like he trusts you, and very importantly respects you. This guy doesn't sound like that to me. You deserve a lot better even if that sounds like a cliché. I honestly believe you do! Please keep in touch with me if you'd like about this whole thing. I'm interested to know how it all works out. My e-mail address is soysusana@verizon.net. Good luck. I think you've got a great head on your shoulders.
]
More Questions: |