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Should I wait for him or let him go?
I am 19 years old and my ex-boyfriend is 20. We were together for 2.5 years before I broke up with him. I broke up with him because I had been trying to fix the problems in the relationship, but nothing seemed to be improving. I ended up cheating on him, and that made me realize that something was missing in our relationship that I needed.
Well in the two months that I left him, the guy I cheated on him with, who I had thought was so great, ended up being a liar and breaking my heart. The next guy I was with ended up raping me. Then my family and friends turned on me. Then I lost my job. The one person that has been helping me through this is my ex-boyfriend.
He tried winning me over while we were broken up, but I resisted. Once my life turned to crap, and I realized how good he was to me, I wanted him back too. But that same day, he found out about the cheating, so now we are still broken up. He forgave me for cheating, but he says he needs some time to myself, which I understand. We still see each other every week or so, and so now we are in a friends with benefits sort of relationship. Neither of us is interested in seeing other people, we're just not officially going out.
But today he called me and said that he might be going back home, going off to Europe, in a half a year or so. He doesn't know what he's going to do exactly. He might stay here or he might go. It's so hard waiting for him to come back to me now, so I can't imagine us getting back together and me getting used to having him around all the time again, then having to deal with him being gone for 6 months or longer. He promised me that if he left, he would come back here for me, but I don't know if I can live with that burden.
It's so hard to deal with. If I hadn't gone through all this trauma, I think I'd probably be thinking about this differently. But he is seriously the only person in my life who I deeply love and care for. He loves me deeply as well. The only thing is, is love enough? We both love each other, but I don't think we're "in love." But after dealing with such horrible people, I can not imagine me ever looking at anyone else. He is the person I trust to be with me through thick in thin, despite of our petty relationship problems. Is it so bad to be with someone for security, companionship, familiarity, and not because you're "in love?" He has done 10x more for me than anyone else in my life.
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First of all, I want to address your horrible experience of being raped. Have you received any counseling for this assualt? If not, then I strongly encourage you to do so. One can not just push something like that into the background and hope that it won't affect any future relationships. You may feel like you've gotten over it...for now...but the memories of a rape can creep up on you when you least expect them to. I know. I've been there. And, I am so terribly sorry that you had that happen to you. I so want you to get some kind of counseling so that you can truly deal with the emotions you might very well be holding in. I can't help but think that you might be doing this since you barely brushed on that subject in your description of what has gone on in your life recently.
When you were together you said that you were "trying to fix the problems in the relationship." Were you the main one, or the only one, who was working on the problems in your relationship. You can't "fix" a relationship all by yourself. And, you certainly can't try to change the other person. You can help them change IF they are willing and wanting to change. The fact that you had an affair while you were still with your boyfriend concerns me because you obviously weren't satisfied with what you two had. You mentioned this yourself and I think you were very insightful to realize this. It seems as though it has been because of and since your tumultuous traumas that you are feeling the need to have this man back in your life. There are certainly people who come into our lives who are angels, so to speak, and who will be there for you through thick and thin, but they may not necessarily be the one you should or want to spend the rest of your life with in an intimate relationship. That kind of person can either be your life partner, depending on many other circumstances, or he/she can be a life-long friend. I would encourage you not to make any long term decisions right now about this man. You say at the end of your letter that the relationship problems are "petty." But are they really? You left him before because of these problems and people do not usually leave relationships due to "petty" problems. The fact that you originally mentioned that you left the relationship (you did when you first decided to have an affair) because problems were not being resolved is something I think you definitely need to keep in mind.
It sounds as though you two more than likely really love and respect one another, but friends can do that as well. True friends are there for each other through "thick and thin." Allow him to be that friend to you now, but I would not fall into a relationship other than that until you deal with your inner self and all that has happened to you. I feel that you must trust yourself and get to know yourself enough so that you truly know what you NEED in a relationship. You two have been together since you were 16.5 years old. You were pretty young to be in a long-lasting relationship, though that doesn't mean that it couldn't work just because of your young age at the beginning of the relationship. The reason why I mention it is because you may be completely reliant on one another without having had GOOD and different experiences in your lives that help all of us 1) get to know ourselves better, and 2) to know what we need, want and expect in a relationship.
The love you two have for each other may indeed evolve into a deep and soulful relationship but I would tend to think that you guys need time to explore that without having to comfort one another because of horrid circumstances. Those horrid circumstances and the memories of them will abate and then how will the relationship truly survive? That is a question you may not be able to answer right now and I would caution you to realize that and not go too far in what you think you SHOULD do or how you SHOULD be feeling. Security, companionship and familiarity are definitely things you want to look for in a relationship, but you also need to have a deep and true love with an emotional commitment to one another that includes working on problems in the relationship together and trusting one another.
Perhaps it is meant to be that he will be going back to Europe for a while. I would think that some distance between you two right about now might be very good for both of you. You should be able to step back from the situation that has grown now in the way that it has grown, and really analyze your feelings. Getting counseling now and during his absence will surely do you a world of good and again, I highly encourage you to go for it. Be the best of friends now, appreciate the comraderie you have and the specialness of your friendship, but tread slowly and perhaps you'll be able to deal with his absence a little better. Though it may be hard to have him so far away, you two will still be able to communicate frequently with one another. Truly try to think of his time away as something that you both need and is healthy for right now with all the baggage you still have left over from before your "life turned to crap." Learn to rely on yourself and to trust yourself for the emotional strength that we all need to help us survive in this world. Having someone there to be right beside us is wonderful, but it won't work for long until we learn how to know and appreciate ourselves. It also won't work until we know exactly what we want in our lives...and what we need. And we can't honestly know that until we work very hard at getting to the inner self of our beings. And in your case, because of what all you've been through, you need more than anything to have the opportunity to heal your inner self AND then to know and love it as well.
I wish you all the best with this situation. I know it's not easy, but I think that you are trying very hard to look at things in a mature and intellectual way. And as I said before, I believe that you're quite insightful. Just learn to listen to that insightfulness and follow what it is telling you.
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From reading your question I get the feeling that you are depressed. I could be wrong, but in the midst of all of your problems he might look better than he actually is. My advice is to make things right with yourself first.
It's a very mature thing to differentiate between love and in love. I agree with you there. But to have friendly love, or brotherly love (even with benefits) is to care deeply, and this love doesn't know distance. I mean that, my brother who I care deeply for, may go to college in another state, which I would want because I love him. I know that we will always be together in spirit, and thank god for technology because there is such thing as e-mail and the telephone.
I don't think that you are considering the future right now. If what is best for the both of you, which it sounds like it is, to be broken up, then so be it. If you cannot mend things romantically, and I wouldn't try because you shouldn't cheat on eachother, then be friends.
I have friends I talk to every six months and we don't get any further apart because of the time. My best friend is an ex-boyfriend, who introduces me to all of his girlfriends to get my approval. We are like brother and sister now. I really like it that way, we didn't mesh romantically.
So lastly, you might think about counseling. You don't want your past experiences, bad relationships and rape, to interfere with developing long lasting, healthy relationships in the future. Plus, you have to love yourself and your circumstances in order to give and recieve love or care from other people.
I agree with your statement about "if you hadn't gone through this trauma, you would be thinking about this differently". Establish a healthy state of mind, so you have good relationships as reference.
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You love each other. That is what counts.
Forget the fairy tale version. If you can't see yourselves never seeing each other again, if you're the best of friends, if the "benefits" are mutually satisfying...there isn't much more to have.
You can make the romance. The flowers the sweet words. They are all great. But being there for you when everyone else has deserted you...that is true love.
You write that man a long letter. You tell him exactly what you think and feel about him.
Don't try to tell him by talking to him. He will interrupt and you will be side tracked, write it down. Tell him everything you have done wrong and every reason you want him. Then give it to him to read.
After he reads it...THEN the talk can begin. Talk about everything. Answer his questions, discuss where you go from here.
I hope it all works out for you. Best of luck :)
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