you seem to be very "in the know" when it comes to these sorts of things, so I thought I'd ask.
Do you belive that playing hard to get works?
You've seem to read up on it, so I was just wondering what your personal thought on it was.
Thank you.
H'm, tricky one. While I might SEEM "in the know", I'm not actually that terrific at putting my knowledge and understanding into practice. But if I can use my mistakes to help others, so much the better.
To answer your question, while I believe that there is a certain atavistic thrill in chasing the unnatainable(which is destroyed if you appear too eager or too respond TOO readily), playing "hard to get" can be a little contrived, and no senisble person, man, woman, boy or girl, would put up with it for long. It's really just common sense-if you like someone, then don't ram your affection down their throat-on the other hand, don'trun away from them too hard, or they might get fed up. I've been no help at all, have I? That's because the real answer to your question is to GO WITH YOUR INSTINCTS. Go with your feelings and commonsense, and you should be ok.
Good luck!
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Ok, So I am 13 years old and since May 2005, I have found myself madly in love with no other than a 20 year old McDonalds worker. He has started to open up a little more in the past couple of months, and he gives me lots of hugs, flirts, and shows all the "signs" of love back. Yet he has never told me. This week we are supposed to go to the movies. My question is, Should I open up and tell him I love him or should I just wait until he does?
Am I mistaken, or was this exact same question not asked here a couple months back..........?
Anyway, whether it was or not, here's my answer to it. DO NOT DATE HIM. A normal "well adjusted"(w/e that means) 20 year old does not want to date a thirteen year old, however mature she may be. It is unfortunately possible that he wants to date someone that young because he feels that they will be less able to take care of themselves than someone older, and will therefore be more likely to give in to any sexual requests. I'm not saying that's for certain, but it's a pretty good guess. Either that, or he just likes young girls, which is unhealthy.Emotional control is just as damaging as sexual.
In addition, remember this: he could get in trouble for dating you. While it is technichally legal for a couple of ANY age to DATE(you could be 8, him 45, and it would be legal as long as there was no sexual involvement)it would be frowned upon(and rightly so) by people in your town. My best advice to you is to keep silent on the subject of love. I would really be happier if you blew him off for the movies, but I quite understand why you wouldn't want to do that. Please don't think I'm judging you-I prefer older men as well so I fully undersatnd where you're coming from. I do however feel that his motives probably wouldn't bear too close an investigation. So yeah, go to the movies if you must, but no more than that, and do let someone know exactly where you're going and when.
Do take care, and drop a message in my inbox to let me know how everything's going.
Take care, good luck
Lucretia xx(IM address lucrece_13@hotmail.com).
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i'm 15. almost 16. my special someone is 17. almost 18. our birthday are in the next two months. where I live it's ilegal for a 18 yr. old to date anyone under the age of 16 and i'm not quite there yet. but we've agreed we're not going to let that stop us. my mom doesn't let me go out with him because last week she decided that he's a loser because he droped out of school. and she thinks he's too old for me. my someone and i have been together for 8 months and i would do anything for him and we have a undying love for each other. but it's getting so hard and now he's listening to peoples opinions and wants to break up with me because he doesn't want to try anymore. i know i could have tried more instead of trying to find someone else. but now i regreat it. i know that if i convence him that we can do this then we can make it.. i just have to get him to see that we're supposed to be together any suggestions?
feel free to ask me any questions about this
It sounds as if your situation has many different layers, which makes everything more difficult.It also sounds as if one or two of these facets to the problem could be erased, leaving a clearer picture, so let's do some debunking!
For a start, I could be wrong here but I doubt that it's illegal for the two of you to date:what I imagine is illegal is for you to have sex.Which brings us on to wondering what you mean by saying "I know I could have tried more". Tried to do what? If he was pressuring you into sex, then you were right not to give in. However, it doesn't sound that way from your question. It sounds more as if he has a low self esteem and is demoralised(which is probably why he dropped out of school) and therefore is insecure in your love for him. It's a sad fact of life that the less we trust people to love us, the less they will be able to-doubt is an almost insurmountable barrier, and the belief that our partners will betray us can all too easily become a self-fullfilling prophecy. You in fact hint that you DID try to find someone else, which thickens the mix-doesn't mean that you can't sort the situation out.
So the dynamic between you and your boyfriend is your first problem. The next(though lesser) one is obviously your mother. What you need to do here is clear, simple, and almost impossible(but it has to be done if you're to save your relationship). You need to sit her down and tell her that you're a big girl who can make her own decisions, and that you love your boyfriend and her intefering will alienate you from HER and not from HIM. Just tell it to her straight-it won't be easy, but she has no right to interfere, two years isn't that big a difference, even at your young age.
It goes without saying that you also need to talk to your boyfriend. Don't apologize for anything, or try to explain the past:just concentrate on the future, and how you hope you guys will have one. It sounds to me as if you two have come a long way. Don't let fear. either yours or his, ruin it now!
If something in this pile of waffle helped you, then I'm happy. Please get in touch again anytime, to ask further advice or just to let me know how it all went.
Take care,
Lucretia.
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I will try to make this as simple as possible. Im a 42 yo male, however I do not feel like it nor do I look like it or act like it. Most all my friends are 20-25, I can hang with them and act just as crazy( with out being ingnorant) but I can also be the adult when I have to be. My question: Is it wrong for me to enjoy the company of the younger crowd, meaning, I am attracted to a 20yo female, Im not like some sexual preditor chasing/hunting down the teen hotties, Im just more attracted to them.Part of me feels totaly wrong for having these feelings.Give it to me strait and tell me how terrible I am. Sincerly mndfrk
Most people who have answered this question have told yoy, within reason, to "go for it". I am going to go a slightly different route, and suggest that you take a step back and look at WHY you prefer socialising with a younger crowd. Please don't think that I'm judging you-I'm not. But I feel that I am perhaps better placed to advise you than some others, since I was until recently in an on/off relationship with a man some twenty five years my senior(I am 22/f).
Vikki27 is right in that the object of your affection quite possibly doesn't know what she's getting into. I certainly didn't with my boyfriend, and I ended up getting quite badly hurt. Which was not his fault.....he was just less able than he realised to deal with possible strong emotion; it unnerved him. I'm not saying that you're like that, just that if you live your life as a young person when you're not actually young,something's got to give. There will be a strain,of which your preference for a younger generation is either a cause or a symptom,possibly both. It is obviously natural for you to be attracted to a younger woman-there is nothing "creepy" about it-in earlier centuries, it would have been considered wholly normal, as men often delayed marriage yet women did not delay childbirth as they often do now.I'm not saying that today's world is not an improvement on yesterday's, or that there aren't problems attatched to such an age difference; but it is still to a certain extent acceptable in our culture, more so perhaps than a young man with an older woman :-( (though as Vikki says, you'll always get people who sneer and point the finger-that's just life).
Having said all that, I suggest that you make a list of everything you like about this girl, and of all the pros and cons of a relationship with her. What is it you like about her? Is it her beauty, or her personality, or a combination of the two? If it is the former, you're in trouble, the latter,I say go for it:best of all that it be the last, for it is appreciation of someone's personality that makes them truly beautiful in their lover's eyes.The fact that you feel guilty about your feelings perhaps suggests that you know they have a hint of corruption-on the other hand, your guilt also reveals you as a scrupulous person, so you would not (at least not consciously) do anything to hurt your love.
Take care, good luck, and try to listen to your thoughts as well as to your feelings.
Lucretia.
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13/f
I have a really big and annoying problem: I pretty much like every guy I come across. It's really annoying... all I do is stare at them. And it's not just guys from school! It's celebrities too. I'm so tired of it; I feel like I can't concentrate. I've had a boyfriend before, but I dumped him because he wasn't a good boyfriend. Does this have anything to do with it? What should I do?
Yes, I do sympathise, you have a terrible problem-it's called being 13. I'm not trying to patronise you, but you are still so young: I was exactly like that at your age. Still am now, to a certain extent. I'll let you in to a little secret: there's no such person as "the one". In life, we rub up against many people on a daily basis, many of whom are interesting, beautiful, kind and charming, yet none of whom are perfect. Which is not to say that you should stay with a bad boyfriend(in any case, 13 is far too young to settle down, except in a few EXTREMELY rare cases, of which I am sure from your question you are not one). You do however have to develop an idea of what is important to you in a relationship, what qualities you prioritise. Everyone should have a list of non-negotiables, and stick to them. One excellent book is "If I'm so wonderful, why am I still single?", by Susan Page.While it doesn't tell you as such how to distract yourself from men, it does suggest how best to zero in on the ones who are worthwhile.In the meantime, good luck! and enjoy your early adolesence. Sometimes I wish I was still where you are ;-)
Take care,
Lucretia.
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my boyfriend just confessed to me another girl kissed him and he didn't stop her. I was really mad at first, but then I realized i have no right to be. You see, we're in a internet relationship and not meeting till late this year. I guess it's understandable that if someone in the flesh comes along and kisses you, you're not going to stop them. I think I would do the same too, admittedly. Everyone I've spoken to though thinks I should be madder than I am, because he cheated on me. I guess i'm a pretty laid-back person. We care about each other a lot, but I understand why he did it. I feel I should be mad at him for cheating though. I still want to go out with him, but everyone is telling me to break up with him. What should I do? And am I being too nice on him?
Thanks.
In my opinion, the best policy lies somewhere between your attitude and your friends'. Yes, perhaps you are a tad laid back-why didn't he stop the girl? You were quite right to be annoyed-cheating is cheating. Having said that, I think that dumping him now would be a little drastic. What you have to be careful of is his motivation in telling you. You don't say whether he told you online or on the phone(or indeed whether the two of you have ever spoken except online).The great pitfall which you have to beware of is false candor: boys(and girls) sometimes confess misdemeanours, pretending to feel really guilty and swearing that they'll never stray again. Next thing you know, they're at it again(and sometimes worse) with someone else. I'm not saying that you're boyfriend's like that-just to be a bit wary from now on(which you of course are already). I would say to let it go this time, but let him know in no uncertain terms that if it happens again, he's out. Cheating is cheating, whether in an online relationship or any other.
Good luck,
Lucretia.
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see, every month, I get a new guy telling me he loves me, wants me, and needs me. But it's never the guy I want. I seem to be very attractive to lots of guys, but never to the ones I find attractive. So I've been told about books like "CATCH HIM AND KEEP HIM" "THE RULES" "GET THE GUY" "WHY MEN LOVE BITCHES" and so on, books on how to get THE guy. And I'm considering buying one, so my question is, has anyone ever bought a book like this? was it good/easy to understand? did it give you specifik tips on what to do? did they work if you tried them? Just anything you can tell me about it and what book it was. Thaaank yooouu! ♥
Aha! An excellent question. And one that I have asked myself many, many times. You are, however, unlikely to like my answer, which is that while I think that some of the principles on which these books are based are sound, following them will not necessarily make for a better or happier relationship. I will now be more specific, and take an in depth look at two of the books you have mentioned, those are "The Rules" and "Catch Him and Keep Him"(the other two I have heard of, but not read-I have not in fact read CHaKH but I until recently used to recieve free emails from its author Christian Carter.
The Rules: Nevermind the hype, the conventions, the scandal surrounding Ellen Fein's divorce. Truth is, The Rules are based on solid fact. Some of them are unpleasant or downright fascisitc-I particularly resent the one which tells women that they must look "cute" to score a guy-plus the one commanding that you put on makeup even to take the trash out is downright hilarious. Still, the axiom "flee and they follow,follow and they flee" is not just some marketing ploy-it's atavism,hotwired into our gentetic makeup. One obvious fact, which "The Rules" neccesarily ignores is that this axiom applies every bit as much to women as to men. I say "neccesarily" because if they pointed that out, women might start to realise that it is in fact the thrill of the chase as much as the desired man himself that stirs their blood:in short, that they are in love with love , excitement, an endorphin rush, call it what you will. That is certainly why many women who say they crave a stable and loving realtionship then refuse the very men who would offer them that.I know that to be true of me-from the sound of it , it is also true of you. Thus, I wouldn't say that "The Rules" don't work-up to a point, they probably do(although I don't believe the one about not accepting a Saturday date after Wednesday- I think that's a myth.The one about not calling is however pretty sound). All I would say is to beware that reading them does not mesmerise you into believing that you can have a "perfect" relationship with the man of your dreams-remember that part of what you like about your "attractive" men is their unattainablity-if those men were to declare undying love, would you not perhaps, after the initial ecstacy become a little bored? Just a thought. Remember how young you are!
I now move on to "Catch Him and Keep Him". The fragment I read from this book made me really angry, as it seemed to me to reek of misogyny, as well as to contradict itself on numerous occasions. Christian Carter talks blithely of his early conquests of women whom he had " tricked" into bed, after which he had dropped them. It's as if he set himself up as a testmaster , with women as his unknowing examinees. Finally, so he said, he met a woman who made him respect her. Now he wants to let all us lucky gals into the secret. Don't fall for it! No man who thinks that way has a word to write that is worth reading. Having said that, I did until recently subscribe to his free emails(I was going through a phase of obsessing over a particularly undesirable ex of mine). The point about CHaKH is that it appeals to women's insecurity , at the same time as testifying to men's. I would say that it was probably an interesting read, as long as you don't try to put its advice into practice.
And that is what I would say in conclusion about many of these popular self-help books: that they are a fine read, and to a certain extent perhaps help improve many people's lives. Just don't take them for gospel, and read them with an eye to extracting the common sense which is oftentimes buried beneath the rubble of mantras and assertions that are their trademark.
I'm sorry this answer was so long, but your question raised many issues which I have been longing to discuss or see discussed on this site. If you have a further question, please drop it in my inbox.
Good luck,
Lucretia
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Your right, But if he comes back begging and I say NO! If I can what will I do about. wonder what could have been. Because I'm bad for that. I'm just so damn confused. and I afraid of messing up. how do I say no when i want him so bad. I know I'm driving you crazy and I'm sorry.
Hi, sorry I didn't answer sooner; I was away for the weekend.Don't worry, you're not driving me crazy. I really sympathise with you because I've been where you are now, on more than one occasion and with more than one man. While I still feel that my gut reaction is correct, and you should avoid him, I realise that only you can really know and understand the situation. Only you know what works or doesn't work for you. I'm not telling you not to listen to advice(friends are especially good because they are quick to notice changes in both your mood and your behaviour), but you should also listen to yourself.
Try making a list of the pros and cons of the relationship. So far, I have only heard about the downside, which I have to admit does seem to me more powerful than the any positive side your connection with this man might have. Look at the list, ask yourself whether you gain anything but heartache. Remember that he has not come begging yet-you're not even at that stage of the game. Which isn't to say that he never will: but if you have already thought the situation out, you'll be in a stronger postion, whatever you decide. I wish you all the best, and please contact me again any time you need.
Take care,
Lucretia.
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I dont understand I see your point on everything.
I thought Iwas going to be ok until.... I seen him today. I just lost it. I dont know why I did. But I did. He didnt even speak but when he looked at me with those empty eyes I just lost it. I couldnt stop from crying. so what's up with that.
I assume from this personal question that you are the author of the "am I heartbroken" qusetion that I answered. If I'm wrong, I'm sorry, but you should really reference the question and not just expect people to know who you are and what you're talking about.
Having said that, my advice to you is still to hang in there- and I don't mean in your friendship with this guy, I mean in your resolve to keep apart from him. Puppydog eyes are a clever part of the bag of tricks that some people(women as well as men) use to snare and manipulate others. Don't fall for it. His manipulation may not even be wholly conscious, but it's still manipulation, and it will still be damaging to you if you allow it to affect how you behave around him. I'm so sorry you're hurt, and it's too bad that you still have to see him, but if you truly can't avoid him(which is perfectly possible, I'm not saying you go out of your way to run into him) then try to keep contact to a minimum. Don't look him in the eyes, at least keep eye contact to a minimum. Keep any meetings short and sweet. Just play it cool and you'll be allreight. If you need further help, you know where I am.
Take care, good luck,
Lucretia.
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i have a girlfriend and we have done smooches and physical contacts. but she isnt ready to do sex. tell me what shud i do to make her do so with me??????
I don't know what you should do, but I have a good idea of her best course of action, which would be to dump you. You don't "make" someone have sex with you: you wait until they're ready and willing. Anything else makes you a jerk who doesn't deserve a girlfriend. Guys like you make me sick, my first boyfriend had exactly your attitude and let me tell you, it wasn't that long before I dumped his sorry ass.
I smell a 1 here, but frankly my dear I couldn't give a f*ck. Come back to us when you've grown up a bit(which probably means never-Yay!)
Good luck!
Lucretia.
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One night last week I was talking to a friend (that is a guy) and I had liked him for some time. We were talking and I told him I had a boyfriend. He got really angry and was like "I cant talk to you if you have a boyfriend" He told me that he liked me and I told him that I had liked him for a long time. He said that if he had known he would have asked me out along time ago.
I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend 1) because he cheated on me and 2) because I liked the kid i talked about above^^
Now my guy friend never really talks to me. I feel like he probly doesnt like me anymore and im really pissed off because I could see myself being with him for a long time. last night when I was talking to him he said "why would you wana talk to me anyways you have a boyfriend" and I told him that I broke up with him. and he goes "ouh well im out bye"
What should I do? I really like him. Maybe Im not ready for another relationship but I like him alot and I have for a while. Do you think he doesnt like me anymore? HELP!
15/f by the way
sorry it was so long
Your friend probably feels insecure in your feelings for him. I have to say that his behaviour is a little immature-but that's fifteen year old boys for you. He doesn't sound like a jerk, unlike your cheating ex(well done for splitting up with him BTW).
What you need to do now is speak to your friend again. It might be an idea to call him rather than IM him, even face to face would be good(if you go to the same school. I f not, you could always arrange to meet at the mall or somewhere on a weekend. Your plan should be to ask him out-perhaps on a "pre-date" you know, just hanging out together, not calling yourselves boyfriend and girlfriend . Get to know each other as more than friends. Just tell him everything you have told us, and it should be ok. If he's still stubborn and angry, then perhaps you need to give him time and space to mature. Boys in their mid-teens can be remarkably moody and self dramatising, more so than girls sometimes.Whatever happens, try not to lose him as a friend. Friendships are precious, at times almost more so than romantic relationships.
Good luck,
Lucretia.
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My boyfriend is the caring, sweet, humorous type; pretty much what any girl would want. But he's very, very shy. I can't seem to get him to open up when we're around people but when we're alone he opens up fine. He's not very spontaneous but isn't bothered by my personality of being very random. My guy friend had to actually talk to him about going further than just kissing to get him to do anything with me. (Usually, it's the guy taking it too far right?) I mean he can be very outgoing. Sometimes he'll just send or write random things like "Omg, she's so hot" or "She's so cool" (Talking about me)to my friends or in a message somewhere. It's hard to give him that hint to put his arm around me in public (Though he does it sometimes when we're around other people) We never hold hands but that's basically my fault since I'm very self conscious of my hands. I just want to know what I could do to open him & myself up more.
To be honest, I don't really see that you have a problem. You say "When we're alone he opens up fine". Trust me, that's better than the other way round, ie someone that's the life and soul and very touchy-feely in public, and withdrawn in private. His behaviour shows refreshing lack of superficiality-you guys are a real couple, not just for show.
Having said all that, I can understand that it might be awkward for your friends if he always clams up in public; my advice is that you talk to them about it, behind his back. Often when a member of a group is shy, the others will talk more in order to compensate. This pattern then becomes a vicious cycle-the more they talk, the less he talks, thus the more they talk and so on. Encourage them to draw him out, weave into the general conversation things that will interest him, or that he knows a lot about. Shy and quiet people can become quite talkative on the subject of their special interests or hobbies(of course, if there's any danger of him becoming a bore on any topic, it's up to you to steer the conversation away again). Socially, your task is none too easy-however, it sounds like you've got yourself a good guy.
Good luck!
Lucretia.
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My husband and I have known each other for 6 years. We've been married for 3. Great life, lots of laughs, travel. I asked him not to ask me to watch dirty movies, as I do not think they're necessary for a marriage (plus I think it's not right to watch them AND they gross me out). BUt still, he subscribes to the channels. He doesn't make me watch them, but I know he does on his own (as I understand by our cable bill, once or twice a month). How can I make him understand how much this hurts me? That I don't feel like he values me enough as a woman because he still watches that filth? I've let him know time and time again, but he just calls me prude and frigid. Every fight we have can be somehow related to this issue. I feel like he's pulling away. Help!
Much as I respect the excellent advice just given to you by Brenda, I am going to go a different route-if you can't beat 'em, beat off! By which I mean you could ask your husband whether he would mind your looking on at one of his movies, and see how you feel. I understand that porn grosses you out, and I do agree that it's made largely for heterosexual men, but if watched with the right attitude of mind, it can be fun. Seriously, I used to find it quite an erotic bonding experience with some of my exes.
Porn makes a lot of women insecure. That's the first mistake, as sex and "beauty" (as promoted by magazines) have little to do with each other, despite what the cosmetic surgery industry may try to persuade us to the contrary. Try putting the laughter back into sex, and have a giigle at the silly accents and ridiculous scenarios laid on (pun fully intended) in the film. Porn is not just about sex-it's all round entertainment.
However, if you just can't envisage yourself doing that, then I wholly agree with Brenda that you should speak to your husband about it-if he loves you, he will care enough about your feelings to put his penchant for porn to one side. After all, it's a luxury, not a necessity, and one that can in no way repalce the sharing experience which is real sex. Which fact brings me full circle, and back to why I personally don't object to porn-it's the icing on the cake, something your husband enjoys because he can -all the more because he has a real live woman in his bed. Having said that, he shouldn't be calling you frigid-that's an unfairly harsh term. Whether or not you want to watch porn is your choice. I still think that whether or not he wants to watch it should be his. Maybe in the end you'll just have to agree to disagee.
Good luck,
Lucretia.
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hello i am new to this system so help me i am having problems with my girlfriend we have been together for 2years and 1month and im her first b.f, it all started when her best friend manipulated me into having sex with her after i cheated on my gf i swore and made a promise saying nothing will ever happen like that again, and its been the truth now all she wants is to argue she bafrely talks to me right now she asked for a break for no reason and she likes to hang out with her friends more even though she has been the best thing in my life and still is i want anyones opinion i really need help to figure her out!!!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. "Her best friend manipulated me into having sex with her". Sorry mate, not good enough. Disregard Short N Punky, who tells you that your girlfriend is a stuck up bitch. She isn't a stuck up bitch, she's a girl whose boyfriend cheated on her with her best friend, and who then blames the friend. What about taking some responsibility for yourself? So her best friend sounds like a bitch, but that doesn't mean that the sex between you was all her fault, which I'm sure you already know.
Basically, you're not going to win any favours by blameshifting-you need to grovel a little. You say that you've already assured your girlfriend that nothing like that will ever happen again-you now need to assure her yet again, this time taking your share of the blame. "Listen, (insert girlfriend's name), I know what (insert bff's name) and I did was wrong. It was especially stupid of me, since cheating on a partner is worse than cheating on a friend, but I really love you.....(you know the rest, as you've said it so many times before).
Girls lap up feminism, and loathe misogyny(that's hatred of women). If you seem like the kind that will cheat then blame the other woman, then no sensible girl will stay with you. The course of action I've outlined is your best shot-as Razhie says before me, there's not a lot you can do if it doesn't work, but you'll at least have tried.
Good luck!
Lucretia.
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Lately me & my boyfriend have been having alot of fights. I dont want to break up with him because I love him heaps & I dont want to lose him. But he has been acting like he doesnt care & everything. Just want someone to help me get through this before I do something wrong. What should I do?
H'm, tricky one. I'd like to say that I agree with the previous columnist, and say stick it out, but I can't do that unreservedly. You say that he's been "acting like he doesn't care". I have gone through this with boyfriends in the past, and frankly it annoys the h*ll out of me. Obviously we're only seeing your side of things, but reading between the lines I'd say that you were a caring person who is faced with a possibly uncaring partner. Sure you don't want to lose him, but is he so worth hanging on to?
My advice is to give it a trial period. Try not to get into fights with him: when you feel like yelling and screaming, take time out, count ten, you know the rest. On the other hand, watch his behaviour-if he improves in response to your improved behaviour then you're fine, you can move on. If not, then you need to move on in another sense, by dumping him. You deserve someone who treats you well.
Good luck,
Lucretia.
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I am planning on asking this girl out. Both are adults. Saying she says yes, what are some unique, cute, romantic, first date ideas besides going to the movies or out for dinner. Anyones advice tips will be very much appreciated.
Personally, I don't think that you can improve upon the old formula of dinner followed by a movie(or vice-versa). You have something to talk about afterwards, and you can get a real idea of someone's personality by the sort of films they like-it can help if you don't choose mainstream fluff.
But you asked for alternatives, so here are a few:
Skating-Either ice or roller(at this time of year, ice skating would be an indoor rink, so roller skating or blading is more fun, as it's better people watching, especially if you live in a large city.)
Art gallery: Check listings for any special exhibitions-as with the cinema, tastes in art can be a real key to compatibility in other areas.
Opera or ballet: An interesting, and in the case of ballet unusual alternative to the cinema. Can be surprsingly cheap if you book well enough in advance and don't mind taking seats at the side of the opera house.
A plain old walk: You can always go for a walk in the park, or drive out to the beach if there's one near enough where you live. Not adequate as the only thing on a date- a nice idea for after dinner.
A dinner dance: A bit old fashioned, but as I understand enjoying a comeback in some of the U.S. cities. Dinner followed by a club is also good, though perhaps not for a first date.
Those are just some ideas-as I said earlier, check listings in newspapers for what's on in terms of outdoor theatre, gigs, etc.As summer comes closer, more and more acts perform outdoors, often for very cheap or free.
Enjoy your date!
Lucretia.
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To give you a little background i am 19 he is 23, i am in macon,ga working at a hospital full-time and he works out of town. We broke up a little over a month ago and i dont know what to do anymore i am constantly thinking of him even at work. i have tried talking to him but he want talk to me. we were going out over two years and all of a sudden he ended it with no way i knew it was coming. he still has some of my things and i have some of his things and i have to meet him next week to get them but i dont know if i can handle seeing him. He said alot of mean stuff to mean over the last month i know what it was just to hurt me, i asked him why we broke up and what went on all he would say is that he wanted to be single for a while. does that mean he found someone new? i have always trusted him even working out of town. i had no reason not to. he would call me every night and we would talk hours on end becuase we missed each other. and this came so sudden. i am getting to that point were i dont sleep and when i do i crawl into bed at like 4:00 am and have to wake early so not much sleep and i barely eat maybe on emeal a day. i just dont know wha tto do anymore. help guys answer to to why he did this and why guys say mean stuff
What you need to do is to distance yourself from him completely. I know that it's incredibly difficult, and you will feel for a little what seems like unbearable pain, but you have no choice. Forget about whether or not he's with someone new. Noone who loves you would behave like that to you. If it hurts, it isn't love. That last statement is in direct contradiction of the at times overwhelming message of our culture which is that "if it DOESN'T hurt, it isn't love". It's all too easy to get carried away by the highs of angst, and believe me,you're in good company. Don't be fooled! Why not keep a step ahead of the culture , and refuse to be tricked. You'll be happier in the long run.
Right now, though, my concern is as much for your physical as for your emotional health. In your current emotional state, skipping meals is risky-it can lead to an eating disorder(seriously, I developed one myself just after a really rough breakup). People, especially but not exclusively women, becaome addicted to the high that results from skipping meals- the weight loss can also seem like a desirable side effect. Again, don't buy it. Anyone can be an angst-ridden waif. What you need is to be strong. Take up hobbies(sounds lame, but it works). Play sport, learn an instrument. Spend time with your friends. I know it's hard and that you have a full time job, but try to find the energy to pursue outside interests. Energy will be difficult to muster up if you don't eat(I sound like someone's over-anxious mother-someone slap me around the head).
In conclusion, if you can do nothing else, forget this loser. He isn't worth your making yourself ill.
Take care, and good luck.
Lucretia x.
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ok.. so my boyfriend looks at porn. ive never had a problem with porn with any other guy ive been with, but lately its been getting to me. I just cant bare the thought of my boyfriend fantasizing about other women. even worse; their bodies are perfect && mine are far from it and i just dont want him comparing me to them. So my question is:
-Is it ok for me to feel this way?
-Is looking at porn considered cheating to some people?
-Should i say something to my boyfriend
-If so what?
(hes very stubborn)
You have a problem, but it isn't that your boyfriend enjoys porn. Almost all men, regardless of their level of fidelity to their partner, enjoy porn. It has nothing to do with your relationship,and everything to so with the human urge to be sexual,and fantasise many different acts of sex with many different people.
Your problem is that your boyfriend's enjoyment makes you insecure. While you are not alone in that, it is still highly irrational. Trust me, sex and "beauty" are not the same thing: your boyfriend is not mentally compliling a list of your flaws while gawping at the actresses(who are in any case heavily airbrushed). The best way for you to get around this is for you to talk to your boyfriend. Don't be agressive or confrontational-that'll only aggravate him and bring out his stubborn side. It is perfectly reasonble for you to share your insecurities with him, and to expect him not to look at at porn openly when you are there, or to leave it in clear evidence on his computer. Having said that, it might be an idea for you to look at these movies together- it can be quite an effective erotic bonding experience, one which I have enjoyed with a few of my boyfriends in the past. But failing that, you should try to leave behind your insecurities and concentrate on how sex feels, rather thatn how it looks. That way, your experience with your boyfriend will be envigorating and sensual and a million times better than any porn film.
Good luck!
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My bf is best friends with a guy that is just plain creepy. For one thing, he is 38 years old and still lives with his mother. He is also a pedophile, and only goes for very young girls. My bf has even told me that he's a pedophile, so I'm not making it up.
The thing that bothers me is that I've caught his friend staring at me inappropriatly at parties, and he's even winked at me. I had to give his friend a ride home once (because the loser doesnt have a car ) and he told me he liked me for a long time and told me to kiss him. I told him no, and after I dropped him off I told my bf what happened. My bf just laughed and didnt seem to take it seriously. I also heard a story that his friend used to stalk a waitress.
I really don't understand why my bf is still friends with this creep. Sometimes I feel that he'd rather be friends with him than me.
Should I give my bf an ultimateum and say it's either his creepy friend or me? Or would that be too controlling?
In my opinion, you should certainly ultimatum your boyfriend. Under normal circumstances, our partners' tiresome friends are just an unfortunate fact of life that we have to put up with. These are however, far from normal circumstances. Indeed, I would go further than that, and say you should dump your bofriend without an ultimatum. The attitiude already displayed by him , plus the very fact that he is friends with this creep, make me think you'd be better of with someone else.
Having said all that, I know it's pedantic and only tangentially related to your question, but I don't like the word "pedophile" being used for someone who likes girls(or boys) in early adolescence. Such a person is a creep and a weirdo, more than undesirable. But a pedophile is someone who likes pre pubescents, children, sometimes as young as five or, sickeningly, even babies or toddlers. I presume that your boyfriend's friend is not one of these-if he is, then you need to involve the police. At once. Indeed, if you have any evidence of him intefering with anyone underage, you should perhaps let someone know. But whatever happens there, you need to take care of yourself. Leave your boyfriend and this guy to enloy each other's company, and move on.
Good luck, and keep us posted.
Lucretia x.
EDIT
I have recently come upon the correct term for a man such as the one described in this question. The term is "Ephebophile". From Wikepedia:
Ephebophilia has been defined as a sexual preference in which an adult is primarily or exclusively sexually attracted to postpubescent adolescents.
(Ephebophilia)is used in contrast with pedophilia, which is an attraction to pre-pubescent or pubescent individuals.
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i want to know if you are going to makeout with someone for the first time how would you do it? to make it look like you have done it before with out over doing it!!???
Really, if you have to come to an advice website to ask how to make out, then I doubt you're ready. I don't want to patronise you, but I wonder if you even know what making out involves..
Anyways, you kiss the guy, with or without tounges,it 's your choice. Slap his hand(or don't) when he tries to slip it up your top. Just don't feel pressured into anything, and don't date a guy older than fifteen. Also don't pretend (sorry , there's a lot of no no's). It's not smart, it's silly-you'll have more fun if you let him know you have no experience. Be honset in all matters sexual!( I speak as one who used routinely to fake orgasms-a singularly worthless pursuit, which does no one any favours). You have your whole sex life ahead of you(I feel quite envious as I think of that). There's no need to rush anything.
Good luck!
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