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About lucretia

I have been on this site a little while now, and while I have never been one of its more prolific columnists, I do read a helluva lot more questions than I answer. The reason for this is that I feel that a lot of the questions are very similar, so I tend to pick the better worded and/or more interesting ones among them:plus I without fail will answer anything you care to drop in my inbox. But for those of you whose questions I do not specifically address, here are my top five tips to make the world(and advicenators, which is after all the hub of the universe) a better place:


1)You will generally be happier if you are not
constantly taking your emotional temperature. So much stress is placed these days on FEELING, that people forget that the way to FEEL happy is to DO. So get over yourself and take up skateboarding, drumming(which I highly recommend) "mumblety-peg, if that's where your heart lies". Whatever it is though, just get on with it and you'll be allright.

2) If s/he says "you're too good for me", then s/he isn't interested. End of story.

3)Honour thy father and thy mother, unless they're actually beating the crap out of you, in which case you need to call on outside agents to mediate.In all other cases though, take it easy on your folks-you won't regret it later in life.

4)In 90% of cases, cheating is unaccepatable and inexcusable. If you think that your partner is part of the 10% (or whatever random minority)of excusable cheaters, then ask yourself why. Is it because you're such hell to live with that it's a miracle that anyone would date you, let alone stay faithful? If it is , then you have one of two problems; you either have a personality disorder which makes you undateable, or you have such low self esteem that you believe yourself undateable. In either case, you need help, so go to a counselor, therapist, doctor, whatever, just sort it out.
5) Read self-help books. Just take them with a pinch of salt. Seriously, they make great reading, and can give remarkably sound advice, but you must not believe every word they say, or you will very possibly end up resembling , if not actually becoming , a speed freaked zombie wearing day-glo juicy couture. By self help books, I mean any thing which gives you x number of rules to live by, and suggests that the key to fulfillment lies within these rule(a bit like I'm doing now-book my '07 convention early to avoid disappointment.10% discount for advicenators columnists).Books to approach with caution include "The Rules" and the "Surrendered" series by Laura Doyle. But the jewel in the self help crown has to be the beautiful "The Bitch Rules" by Elizabeth Wurtzel. If you can read this book and not smile, laugh, and just feel unfettered joy at living, you are either the aforementioned zombie, or you are living in some banana republic. In either case, you are beyond my help,but I feel you.

Take care!

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Website: My LiveJournal
Gender: Female
Location: Glasgow
Occupation: Student
Age: 22
Member Since: September 9, 2005
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Last Update: August 29, 2006
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There's this guy from my clique who likes to irritate me. But anyway, he makes fun of everyone. I'm rather close to him as in like I can talk to him. Both of us belong to the same clique and I guess i can talk to him pretty well as compared to the rest in my clique.

Recently, he kept criticising bout me. Whenever he knows a guy is interested in me, he'd be like "What?! He has really bad taste". There's this other guy who was interested in me and he happens to know that guy as well. So he was telling me "Ya, anyway, he has really bad taste. His favourite girls from the FHM magazine are all not nice."

And he likes to put me down, saying for eg "everyone in our class is quite pretty.. except for ___(my name)"

And when i just randomly told him that someone said i look like one of the girls from a pop group,(the girl is a tomboy) he'd say "ya , people say that you look like the ugly lesbian part of her right?"

And I'd be like OK FINE! just what the hell is your problem. Can someone tell me just what the heck is he doing cos he's really pissing me off a lot. And it's not like he's so handsome ok! He's not handsome at all! And I'll be like yeah what right do you have to criticise people's appearance.

He likes you. His behaviour is his immature way of expressing that liking. He's also probably afraid of rejection. Give it a few years, and you two might be a couple(if he grows up that is). But from what you say, him fancying you is the most likely explanation.


Okay, I know this is an odd question, but what does everybody think of Avil Lagvine? What happened to her after her second album? And is it just me or did she become a big poser?


First up, her name is AvRil Lavigne-get it right!
Second up, I am intrigued by your question did she BECOME a big poser, as if that wasn't what she was from day one. Here is Britain our nickname for her is "Bovril Latrine", and no one over the age of eight listens to her.
I don't even know why I bothered answering your question,but I guess I'mm in a silly mood.
Sorry I'm not with you, but I'm off to join my sk8er boi.
Good luck(if you really care what became of Bovril, you need it)


you seem to be very "in the know" when it comes to these sorts of things, so I thought I'd ask.
Do you belive that playing hard to get works?
You've seem to read up on it, so I was just wondering what your personal thought on it was.

Thank you.

H'm, tricky one. While I might SEEM "in the know", I'm not actually that terrific at putting my knowledge and understanding into practice. But if I can use my mistakes to help others, so much the better.
To answer your question, while I believe that there is a certain atavistic thrill in chasing the unnatainable(which is destroyed if you appear too eager or too respond TOO readily), playing "hard to get" can be a little contrived, and no senisble person, man, woman, boy or girl, would put up with it for long. It's really just common sense-if you like someone, then don't ram your affection down their throat-on the other hand, don'trun away from them too hard, or they might get fed up. I've been no help at all, have I? That's because the real answer to your question is to GO WITH YOUR INSTINCTS. Go with your feelings and commonsense, and you should be ok.
Good luck!


I've been dating a man and woman, I dont want the woman anymore, I have been honest and she won't leave me alone, im all she has, she has no mom or any family, she is so annoying what to do to get her out of my life. She says I owe her and she will kill herself if i leave. She makes me feel guilty but i started a family with my man and want to live right and drama free for my children. Please help!

Oooh, how deliciously Jerry Springer! This is the juiciest question we've had on site for a while. To be honest, I don't think there's anything to choose between you and your ex-girlfriend:you both sound equally selfish, manipulative and drama loving.Honestly,a household like the one you have just described is no place to bring up children. But since this site is about advice, not recrimination, I'll cut to the chase, and tell you to cut her loose. Serioulsy, it's your duty. You have a duty of care and responsibilty to your husband(although he sounds like an idiot to have tolerated your behaviour for so long) and more importantly to your children. Ignore your ex's suicidal talk-empty threat. Or if not, then still not your responsibility.Of the two of you , your life is the more valuable, not, I hasten to add, on account of your personality, but on account of your circumstances and responsibilities. She has a job, let her find a life. Be brutal if need be-it's the greatest kindness, long term. Stringing her along would be false kindness-so far, you have shown no appreciation of the nature of true love or kindness. You will never learn, if you do not cut her loose. You sound like a true drama addict-manipulative, sly and shallow. Grow up already! And let her grow up too.
Good luck.



I just wanted to ask you, since you are from England, about what English people feel about Irish people and are they racist against them?

My grandparents were from Ireland and were supressed under the English, and they did not like them. Is the hatred still there. I am 100% Irish and would like to see England, but am worried that English people won't like me.


On the whole, English people are very friendly toward the Irish: while some racism is inevitable, the sort of person who would discriminate against you on a racial basis is not the sort you would want to mix with anyway. England has a (partially justified) rep. for thuggery -we are supposedly the most belligerent football fans in the world, and race riots (especially in the North Midlands) are sadly not uncommon. From your point of view, this is not a problem, since those rioters care more about skin colour than anything else, and object to immigrants,not tourists.Don't worry. Welcome to England!


How important do you think ratings are? I have asked questions, and try to go back and rate all the answers. However, I notice that a lot of people do not give ratings. It seems like it should be a common courtesy when someone gives a detailed well thought out answer.

Also have you noticed that the ratings now show up next to the answers? I haven't found this to be true of all my answers that were rated, but at least some of them.


I wholly agree! Next to revenge raters, people who neglect to rate are my biggest gripe about this site. It's like not acknowledging when someone has sent you a gift-how do you even know it has arrived? How can we know if we helped the person if they don't get back to us? That's why I feel that the feedback is even more important than the rating itself.
I'm not sure what I think of the ratings showing up next to the answers-myself, I think that it makes the site a little too competitive, more, "who gives the best advice?" than "I want to give the best advice I can". But I suppose it does show what kind of answers get certain ratings(although somepeople rate unfairly, it's really wholly subjective).But I definitely feel if you asked for advice you should rate advice- it's how it works round here.


Hey. So, I got into a fight with my best guy friend. And, we were yelling at each other over Aim...the thing is, i tried apologizing, and he was like why are you being all nice now etc. But, i wasnt the one that should have apologized,because only 1 thing was my fault. and he misunderstood it. My friend stays mad, at things...i dont want this to ruin our friendship...any advice?

Aaah, we women. So often, we find ourselves apologizing when we shouldn't, and submitting when we are the ones who really know what's best in any given situation. What you should do is let him know that he's your friend and that you still love him, but that you aren't going to eat an unlimited amount of humble pie. In other words, you should say to him something along the lines of,
"Look,(insert name) I know that what I said to you hurt you, and I'm sorry for it. But please undersatnd that you misunderstood me, what I really meant to say was (insert explanation). Plus, please understand that you said some pretty hurtful things to me as well, but I'm more than willing to forgive you, and to restart our friendship on a clean slate. I only hope that you can feel the same way about me".(insert any extras,in jokes, et. al., as you see fit).
Basically. all you can do is tell him that you love him, and that you hope that the two of ypu can still be friends. Above that, there's not a lot that you can do. Take care, and good luck.


my name is Rachel and iam a 17 year old girl and my dad died when I was 12 and sometimes I still find myself upset about it and it makes my grades go down when iam really upset how can I get over my dad's death?

I can really identify and sympathise with your problem: I, too, lost my father when I was 13, just slightly older than you were when you lost yours. Having said that, I didn't grieve as directly as you seem to be doing-my grade distractions took the form of obsessing over boys and angsting over my appearance, ie more regular teenage girl stuff. I think it's excellent that you still can feel such intense grief over your father-for one thing, it shows that you are fully and deeply in touch with your emotions. Having said that, I fully understand that you don't want your emotions to interfere with your grades: who would?
Really, I think that you need to see a counsellor, psychotherapist, or, just possibly, a cognitive behaviorial therapist. This last is someone who would identify the mental and emotional patterns which are blocking ypur performance at school, and help you to counteract them. In an ideal world, you would see both a psychotherapist and a cognitive behavioral therapist-I do however understand that you live in America, where nothing is free.You should however talk to your school counsellor, who should be able able to help further. Whatever you do, you should talk to your mother and other concerned relatives-they should act on your behalf, if the school is no help(which from my experience of U.S. schools, is a more than strong possibility). Whatever happens, know that your pain makes you a sensitive human being: as such, your path in life will be both harder and more rewarding than that of many others.
Take care, good luck ,and feel free to drop a question in my inbox (or IM me on
Lucretia xx.


Ok, So I am 13 years old and since May 2005, I have found myself madly in love with no other than a 20 year old McDonalds worker. He has started to open up a little more in the past couple of months, and he gives me lots of hugs, flirts, and shows all the "signs" of love back. Yet he has never told me. This week we are supposed to go to the movies. My question is, Should I open up and tell him I love him or should I just wait until he does?

Am I mistaken, or was this exact same question not asked here a couple months back..........?
Anyway, whether it was or not, here's my answer to it. DO NOT DATE HIM. A normal "well adjusted"(w/e that means) 20 year old does not want to date a thirteen year old, however mature she may be. It is unfortunately possible that he wants to date someone that young because he feels that they will be less able to take care of themselves than someone older, and will therefore be more likely to give in to any sexual requests. I'm not saying that's for certain, but it's a pretty good guess. Either that, or he just likes young girls, which is unhealthy.Emotional control is just as damaging as sexual.
In addition, remember this: he could get in trouble for dating you. While it is technichally legal for a couple of ANY age to DATE(you could be 8, him 45, and it would be legal as long as there was no sexual involvement)it would be frowned upon(and rightly so) by people in your town. My best advice to you is to keep silent on the subject of love. I would really be happier if you blew him off for the movies, but I quite understand why you wouldn't want to do that. Please don't think I'm judging you-I prefer older men as well so I fully undersatnd where you're coming from. I do however feel that his motives probably wouldn't bear too close an investigation. So yeah, go to the movies if you must, but no more than that, and do let someone know exactly where you're going and when.
Do take care, and drop a message in my inbox to let me know how everything's going.
Take care, good luck
Lucretia xx(IM address


Okay, this is kind of gross, but I mean, I really need help, and fast. You see, we've had a long history of breast cancer in my family, and my aunt died of it 2 years ago.

Well, I was taking a shower today, and I got out to dry myself off. I noticed that my chest hurt really bad, and I looked down, and saw this huge lump on the side of my nipple. I felt it and it felt like this huge ball underneath my skin. It hurts realy, really bad. I know that your breasts already hurt if you touch 'em, but this was just like excrusiating pain.

So I have a few questions.
1. Can you get breast cancer at 14 years old? (I just turned 14 on may 30th.)
2. Does anyone else have this?
3. If not, should I get it checked out?
4. If I do need to get it checked out, how should I tell my Mom?

I'm like, really scared. I hope its nothing, but I don't know who to ask. My Mom's not here, and when she does get here, she'll have 3 friends with her. Please help me ASAP!

Yes, it is a sad fact that a fourteen year old girl can get breast cancer. Having said that, it is extremely rare at that young age, but it does occur. I understand that you must be feeling extremely scared, and as if doom is hanging over you. It isn't, but the only way to dispell your fear is to GET IT CHECKED OUT. Now, before you get in a worse panic(or of course-in the extremely unlikely case that you DO have cancer-, it worsens).
As for telling your mother, you just need to get ahead and do it. Tell her how scared you are, and get her to take you to the doctor. I'm sorry to sound blunt here- I really hope I'm not being harsh, and I do undertand how bad you must be feeling, but there is no running away from that kind of fear, it must just be faced. If it's any consolation, I had the same symptom as you, when I was about your age, or a couple of years older. It turned out to be a rash...........A false alarm, as these things are in most cases.

Take care, good luck, and GO TO THE DOCTOR. Also, please to message my inbox to tell me how it went. If you want to IM me, my address is Stay well,

Lucretia xx.


I am 15 year old female. I am worried about my future. i go to a top private school. I dont really know what i want to do when i grow up and i dont really have any special talents. i take dance but i'm not especially good, and i'm not very smart (i usually get b's and a's). I feel like i wont get into college b/c there really isnt anything special about me.

You say "I'm not very smart". Excuse me, but what's wrong with A's and B's. Obviously, it would be good to get straight A's, but it's not the end of the world if you don't. Your quesion doesn't say so, but I wonder if your parents put you under a lot of pressure. Is it that everyone around you gets A+ on a regular basis, and you feel inferior? If so, don't worry, because that will change as you find something that you are truly passionate about. As for "not going to college", I suppose you mean than you might not get into some Ivy League establishment. Again, don't fret. There are many places apart from Harvard, Yale or Princeton. One excellent college is Berekely, California. It doesn't have the snob factor of the East Coast schools, but it has a stellar reputation and a history of radicalism which from the sound of your question, you could do with a bit of.
But don't forget that you have a few years to go before college. Try to enjoy those years, and concentrate on friendships as well as on studies. Think about joining after school groups and societies, such as a drama group. Who knows, you might have a talent for drama, or for set design. Or you might like a particular kind of art. Do try to concentrate as much on what you ENJOY as much as what you are GOOD AT. This will make you happier and more confident, which could well motivate you to boost your grades just that little bit. But above all, try not to worry too much, as it is a waste of energy and will , longterm, make you ill.
Take care,


Help me please, fast!
My aunt just called, and she was crying, and she never cries! So I asked what's up? And she said "You need to tell your mom to get a planeticket and come to America" (we live in europe) and I was like whyyy? And she said "Baby, I don't know, I don't know what to do..Your Grandfather is very sick. She needs to know, she needs to get here!" So now it's all on me!! How do I tell my mom that her father might be dying? Do I tell my dad so he tells her? I don't know about that though cause they've been fighting alot lately!! Or do I tell her, and if so, how? Do I tell my brothers (younger) so they know that they should be nice to her?
Please help me, please! She'll be home in a couple of houres and I don't know what to do!

I'm very, very sorry that this is happening to you: I lost my father nearly ten years ago now, when I was about thirteen, so I understand how much it hurts. The only thing I can say to console you is that situations such as these can sometimes bring families closer together. You say that your parents have been arguing a lot: that in itself will have taken its toll on you. Don't forget yourself in all of this-spend time with your friends, watch stupid T.V. programs, anything. Some of my fondest memories of my father are actually of his last days, which the two of us spent in front of the television, watching soap operas. I realise that you are not with your grandfather right now :( but I hope you make it to Europe in time to see him in a recognizable condition. If you do, you will be forever glad you did, as the difference that your presence will make to him is immense-noone wants to die alone.
Everyone has to experience bereavement at some point in their lives, but a shock such as you have just had is especially upsetting. Take care of yourself, and I hope that this sad experience will strengthen your family.


You're welcome. Anything more I can do to help, just drop something in my inbox or MSN me( Take care, stay strong, and you'll be allright. xx.


i'm 15. almost 16. my special someone is 17. almost 18. our birthday are in the next two months. where I live it's ilegal for a 18 yr. old to date anyone under the age of 16 and i'm not quite there yet. but we've agreed we're not going to let that stop us. my mom doesn't let me go out with him because last week she decided that he's a loser because he droped out of school. and she thinks he's too old for me. my someone and i have been together for 8 months and i would do anything for him and we have a undying love for each other. but it's getting so hard and now he's listening to peoples opinions and wants to break up with me because he doesn't want to try anymore. i know i could have tried more instead of trying to find someone else. but now i regreat it. i know that if i convence him that we can do this then we can make it.. i just have to get him to see that we're supposed to be together any suggestions?

feel free to ask me any questions about this

It sounds as if your situation has many different layers, which makes everything more difficult.It also sounds as if one or two of these facets to the problem could be erased, leaving a clearer picture, so let's do some debunking!

For a start, I could be wrong here but I doubt that it's illegal for the two of you to date:what I imagine is illegal is for you to have sex.Which brings us on to wondering what you mean by saying "I know I could have tried more". Tried to do what? If he was pressuring you into sex, then you were right not to give in. However, it doesn't sound that way from your question. It sounds more as if he has a low self esteem and is demoralised(which is probably why he dropped out of school) and therefore is insecure in your love for him. It's a sad fact of life that the less we trust people to love us, the less they will be able to-doubt is an almost insurmountable barrier, and the belief that our partners will betray us can all too easily become a self-fullfilling prophecy. You in fact hint that you DID try to find someone else, which thickens the mix-doesn't mean that you can't sort the situation out.
So the dynamic between you and your boyfriend is your first problem. The next(though lesser) one is obviously your mother. What you need to do here is clear, simple, and almost impossible(but it has to be done if you're to save your relationship). You need to sit her down and tell her that you're a big girl who can make her own decisions, and that you love your boyfriend and her intefering will alienate you from HER and not from HIM. Just tell it to her straight-it won't be easy, but she has no right to interfere, two years isn't that big a difference, even at your young age.
It goes without saying that you also need to talk to your boyfriend. Don't apologize for anything, or try to explain the past:just concentrate on the future, and how you hope you guys will have one. It sounds to me as if you two have come a long way. Don't let fear. either yours or his, ruin it now!
If something in this pile of waffle helped you, then I'm happy. Please get in touch again anytime, to ask further advice or just to let me know how it all went.
Take care,


I will try to make this as simple as possible. Im a 42 yo male, however I do not feel like it nor do I look like it or act like it. Most all my friends are 20-25, I can hang with them and act just as crazy( with out being ingnorant) but I can also be the adult when I have to be. My question: Is it wrong for me to enjoy the company of the younger crowd, meaning, I am attracted to a 20yo female, Im not like some sexual preditor chasing/hunting down the teen hotties, Im just more attracted to them.Part of me feels totaly wrong for having these feelings.Give it to me strait and tell me how terrible I am. Sincerly mndfrk

Most people who have answered this question have told yoy, within reason, to "go for it". I am going to go a slightly different route, and suggest that you take a step back and look at WHY you prefer socialising with a younger crowd. Please don't think that I'm judging you-I'm not. But I feel that I am perhaps better placed to advise you than some others, since I was until recently in an on/off relationship with a man some twenty five years my senior(I am 22/f).

Vikki27 is right in that the object of your affection quite possibly doesn't know what she's getting into. I certainly didn't with my boyfriend, and I ended up getting quite badly hurt. Which was not his fault.....he was just less able than he realised to deal with possible strong emotion; it unnerved him. I'm not saying that you're like that, just that if you live your life as a young person when you're not actually young,something's got to give. There will be a strain,of which your preference for a younger generation is either a cause or a symptom,possibly both. It is obviously natural for you to be attracted to a younger woman-there is nothing "creepy" about it-in earlier centuries, it would have been considered wholly normal, as men often delayed marriage yet women did not delay childbirth as they often do now.I'm not saying that today's world is not an improvement on yesterday's, or that there aren't problems attatched to such an age difference; but it is still to a certain extent acceptable in our culture, more so perhaps than a young man with an older woman :-( (though as Vikki says, you'll always get people who sneer and point the finger-that's just life).
Having said all that, I suggest that you make a list of everything you like about this girl, and of all the pros and cons of a relationship with her. What is it you like about her? Is it her beauty, or her personality, or a combination of the two? If it is the former, you're in trouble, the latter,I say go for it:best of all that it be the last, for it is appreciation of someone's personality that makes them truly beautiful in their lover's eyes.The fact that you feel guilty about your feelings perhaps suggests that you know they have a hint of corruption-on the other hand, your guilt also reveals you as a scrupulous person, so you would not (at least not consciously) do anything to hurt your love.
Take care, good luck, and try to listen to your thoughts as well as to your feelings.



I have a really big and annoying problem: I pretty much like every guy I come across. It's really annoying... all I do is stare at them. And it's not just guys from school! It's celebrities too. I'm so tired of it; I feel like I can't concentrate. I've had a boyfriend before, but I dumped him because he wasn't a good boyfriend. Does this have anything to do with it? What should I do?

Yes, I do sympathise, you have a terrible problem-it's called being 13. I'm not trying to patronise you, but you are still so young: I was exactly like that at your age. Still am now, to a certain extent. I'll let you in to a little secret: there's no such person as "the one". In life, we rub up against many people on a daily basis, many of whom are interesting, beautiful, kind and charming, yet none of whom are perfect. Which is not to say that you should stay with a bad boyfriend(in any case, 13 is far too young to settle down, except in a few EXTREMELY rare cases, of which I am sure from your question you are not one). You do however have to develop an idea of what is important to you in a relationship, what qualities you prioritise. Everyone should have a list of non-negotiables, and stick to them. One excellent book is "If I'm so wonderful, why am I still single?", by Susan Page.While it doesn't tell you as such how to distract yourself from men, it does suggest how best to zero in on the ones who are worthwhile.In the meantime, good luck! and enjoy your early adolesence. Sometimes I wish I was still where you are ;-)
Take care,


my boyfriend just confessed to me another girl kissed him and he didn't stop her. I was really mad at first, but then I realized i have no right to be. You see, we're in a internet relationship and not meeting till late this year. I guess it's understandable that if someone in the flesh comes along and kisses you, you're not going to stop them. I think I would do the same too, admittedly. Everyone I've spoken to though thinks I should be madder than I am, because he cheated on me. I guess i'm a pretty laid-back person. We care about each other a lot, but I understand why he did it. I feel I should be mad at him for cheating though. I still want to go out with him, but everyone is telling me to break up with him. What should I do? And am I being too nice on him?


In my opinion, the best policy lies somewhere between your attitude and your friends'. Yes, perhaps you are a tad laid back-why didn't he stop the girl? You were quite right to be annoyed-cheating is cheating. Having said that, I think that dumping him now would be a little drastic. What you have to be careful of is his motivation in telling you. You don't say whether he told you online or on the phone(or indeed whether the two of you have ever spoken except online).The great pitfall which you have to beware of is false candor: boys(and girls) sometimes confess misdemeanours, pretending to feel really guilty and swearing that they'll never stray again. Next thing you know, they're at it again(and sometimes worse) with someone else. I'm not saying that you're boyfriend's like that-just to be a bit wary from now on(which you of course are already). I would say to let it go this time, but let him know in no uncertain terms that if it happens again, he's out. Cheating is cheating, whether in an online relationship or any other.
Good luck,


see, every month, I get a new guy telling me he loves me, wants me, and needs me. But it's never the guy I want. I seem to be very attractive to lots of guys, but never to the ones I find attractive. So I've been told about books like "CATCH HIM AND KEEP HIM" "THE RULES" "GET THE GUY" "WHY MEN LOVE BITCHES" and so on, books on how to get THE guy. And I'm considering buying one, so my question is, has anyone ever bought a book like this? was it good/easy to understand? did it give you specifik tips on what to do? did they work if you tried them? Just anything you can tell me about it and what book it was. Thaaank yooouu! ♥

Aha! An excellent question. And one that I have asked myself many, many times. You are, however, unlikely to like my answer, which is that while I think that some of the principles on which these books are based are sound, following them will not necessarily make for a better or happier relationship. I will now be more specific, and take an in depth look at two of the books you have mentioned, those are "The Rules" and "Catch Him and Keep Him"(the other two I have heard of, but not read-I have not in fact read CHaKH but I until recently used to recieve free emails from its author Christian Carter.
The Rules: Nevermind the hype, the conventions, the scandal surrounding Ellen Fein's divorce. Truth is, The Rules are based on solid fact. Some of them are unpleasant or downright fascisitc-I particularly resent the one which tells women that they must look "cute" to score a guy-plus the one commanding that you put on makeup even to take the trash out is downright hilarious. Still, the axiom "flee and they follow,follow and they flee" is not just some marketing ploy-it's atavism,hotwired into our gentetic makeup. One obvious fact, which "The Rules" neccesarily ignores is that this axiom applies every bit as much to women as to men. I say "neccesarily" because if they pointed that out, women might start to realise that it is in fact the thrill of the chase as much as the desired man himself that stirs their blood:in short, that they are in love with love , excitement, an endorphin rush, call it what you will. That is certainly why many women who say they crave a stable and loving realtionship then refuse the very men who would offer them that.I know that to be true of me-from the sound of it , it is also true of you. Thus, I wouldn't say that "The Rules" don't work-up to a point, they probably do(although I don't believe the one about not accepting a Saturday date after Wednesday- I think that's a myth.The one about not calling is however pretty sound). All I would say is to beware that reading them does not mesmerise you into believing that you can have a "perfect" relationship with the man of your dreams-remember that part of what you like about your "attractive" men is their unattainablity-if those men were to declare undying love, would you not perhaps, after the initial ecstacy become a little bored? Just a thought. Remember how young you are!

I now move on to "Catch Him and Keep Him". The fragment I read from this book made me really angry, as it seemed to me to reek of misogyny, as well as to contradict itself on numerous occasions. Christian Carter talks blithely of his early conquests of women whom he had " tricked" into bed, after which he had dropped them. It's as if he set himself up as a testmaster , with women as his unknowing examinees. Finally, so he said, he met a woman who made him respect her. Now he wants to let all us lucky gals into the secret. Don't fall for it! No man who thinks that way has a word to write that is worth reading. Having said that, I did until recently subscribe to his free emails(I was going through a phase of obsessing over a particularly undesirable ex of mine). The point about CHaKH is that it appeals to women's insecurity , at the same time as testifying to men's. I would say that it was probably an interesting read, as long as you don't try to put its advice into practice.
And that is what I would say in conclusion about many of these popular self-help books: that they are a fine read, and to a certain extent perhaps help improve many people's lives. Just don't take them for gospel, and read them with an eye to extracting the common sense which is oftentimes buried beneath the rubble of mantras and assertions that are their trademark.

I'm sorry this answer was so long, but your question raised many issues which I have been longing to discuss or see discussed on this site. If you have a further question, please drop it in my inbox.
Good luck,


Your right, But if he comes back begging and I say NO! If I can what will I do about. wonder what could have been. Because I'm bad for that. I'm just so damn confused. and I afraid of messing up. how do I say no when i want him so bad. I know I'm driving you crazy and I'm sorry.

Hi, sorry I didn't answer sooner; I was away for the weekend.Don't worry, you're not driving me crazy. I really sympathise with you because I've been where you are now, on more than one occasion and with more than one man. While I still feel that my gut reaction is correct, and you should avoid him, I realise that only you can really know and understand the situation. Only you know what works or doesn't work for you. I'm not telling you not to listen to advice(friends are especially good because they are quick to notice changes in both your mood and your behaviour), but you should also listen to yourself.
Try making a list of the pros and cons of the relationship. So far, I have only heard about the downside, which I have to admit does seem to me more powerful than the any positive side your connection with this man might have. Look at the list, ask yourself whether you gain anything but heartache. Remember that he has not come begging yet-you're not even at that stage of the game. Which isn't to say that he never will: but if you have already thought the situation out, you'll be in a stronger postion, whatever you decide. I wish you all the best, and please contact me again any time you need.
Take care,


I dont understand I see your point on everything.
I thought Iwas going to be ok until.... I seen him today. I just lost it. I dont know why I did. But I did. He didnt even speak but when he looked at me with those empty eyes I just lost it. I couldnt stop from crying. so what's up with that.

I assume from this personal question that you are the author of the "am I heartbroken" qusetion that I answered. If I'm wrong, I'm sorry, but you should really reference the question and not just expect people to know who you are and what you're talking about.
Having said that, my advice to you is still to hang in there- and I don't mean in your friendship with this guy, I mean in your resolve to keep apart from him. Puppydog eyes are a clever part of the bag of tricks that some people(women as well as men) use to snare and manipulate others. Don't fall for it. His manipulation may not even be wholly conscious, but it's still manipulation, and it will still be damaging to you if you allow it to affect how you behave around him. I'm so sorry you're hurt, and it's too bad that you still have to see him, but if you truly can't avoid him(which is perfectly possible, I'm not saying you go out of your way to run into him) then try to keep contact to a minimum. Don't look him in the eyes, at least keep eye contact to a minimum. Keep any meetings short and sweet. Just play it cool and you'll be allreight. If you need further help, you know where I am.
Take care, good luck,


Ok, heres the thing I dont really know what is wronge with me. so I thought maybe someone eles might. I use to LOVE men I could'nt stand to be single. But now I'm lonely and empty inside, and dont really want A man. It's like I just have no interst I a relashionship. I'm not even interested in meetting anyone or dating the guy's that ask me out. When normally I would be datting or hell even in a relashionship with this really hot guy that wants to take me out. I really like him but I just dont have interest in datting him.What is wronge with me? Am I in love with my ex BUDDY? My friends think so. They say he broke me bad. I miss him alot. But I never thought I was falling in love with him. Could I be, and just not have realized it. I still dont think I fell in love with him. But I miss him and if at anytime he was to come to me and say I'm sorry for what I did and want back what we had and more I want use to be togather. I would not even think about It would be a yes without thought. But I still don't think I'm in Love with him. But am I? And just not see it? Someone please tell me what is wronge with me... brakemenotagain_luv 22 female

Nothing is wrong with you. You're just a confused girl, I think most of us have been where you are once or twice. Actually, it's excellent that you now can bear being single. I think that far too many women feel pressure to date just for the sake of it. True, dating is fun , but it is also hard work, if it is worth anything or if you want to get anywhere with it. This feeling "lonely and empty inside" is because you have feelings for your ex"buddy", yet at the same time realise that he isn't the one for you. Kudos to you, and you shouldn't rush yourself.
My advice to you is to give yourself time and space. If your ex gets back in touch, try , if it is humanly possible, to ignore him. Don't get back with him. He probably won't come begging anyway, that's just an all too common female fantasy. Heartbreakers do not come back on bended knees except in musical comedies which star Gene Kelly. As for whether or not you "fell in love" with him, who knows, love can be indefinable, and is all too easily confused with lust, lonliness or even simple dependence. You sound as if you're working through a lot. Be patient with yourself.
Take care, good luck,


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