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Help me from my world shattering
i'm 15. almost 16. my special someone is 17. almost 18. our birthday are in the next two months. where I live it's ilegal for a 18 yr. old to date anyone under the age of 16 and i'm not quite there yet. but we've agreed we're not going to let that stop us. my mom doesn't let me go out with him because last week she decided that he's a loser because he droped out of school. and she thinks he's too old for me. my someone and i have been together for 8 months and i would do anything for him and we have a undying love for each other. but it's getting so hard and now he's listening to peoples opinions and wants to break up with me because he doesn't want to try anymore. i know i could have tried more instead of trying to find someone else. but now i regreat it. i know that if i convence him that we can do this then we can make it.. i just have to get him to see that we're supposed to be together any suggestions?
feel free to ask me any questions about this
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Dear Reader,
Firstly I would like to apologize for taking so long to reply to your e-mail. My readers me a lot to me, and I feel aweful for letting you down. My sincerest apologies; I have had some circumstances beyond my control over the last few months and did not feel that I was in a state of mind to be giving anyone advice. I hope you can understand and forgive me, and continue to read and write to my column.
Now, concerning your problem, I realize that you mentioned that your birthdays would be in the next couple of months and hope that it is not to late for me to help you out.
Lets address these problems one at a time. As for your mom disliking him, I have learned that parental support is very good in relationships for a few reasons. Now I don't know this guy so I'm not going to presume to judge so don't take this as a insult towards either your taste or your guy. Typically(though not always) when anyone-guy or girl- drops out of high school, esspecially if they are seniors, it shows a lack of commitment or ability to see commitments all the way through. This could be a very bad sign for their ability to see relationships through (which could be partly why he was able to give up such a strong bond so easily). That is not to say you should never date a drop-out by any means, it is simply something to consider. And if you see the relationship becoming more serious you also have to consider if he would be able to support you. I am a firm believer in love solving all problems, but that doesn't mean it can pay the bills. I realize that being 15/16 you don't have to worry about that yet but it will sneak up on you sooner then you know and it is something to think about.
Also parents are most often great judges of character. And even though you don't ever want to think of someone you love in any negative way, that doesn't mean that there isn't something there that they see and you don't. Trust in your mom, more often then not with parents they want nothing more then to see you happy and with somebody who will treat you right. She loves you and has nothing to gain by you not dating this guy, so consider her motive. If this guy is really the right one it will work out in it's own time, don't try and force it.
As to your question about if you had tried harder to hold on it would have worked; well not nessesarily. Everything that happens in your life happens for a reason, even if you can't see or understand it now. And if he is the one who just gave up then don't waste your time beating yourself up about it. As much as we wish that we could change one thing or another about the guys in our lives(and believe me you will have plenty), we can't; we just have to exept people for what and who they are and if who they are isn't right for us you need to let them go and find someone who fits you better.
What's meant to happen will happen, and take what your parents say to heart- they've been there. Even if it's been a while... ;)
Best of luck, let me know if there's anything elso I can help you with and I apologize again.
~Kambrey
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Please let me know if I'm wrong, but it sounds as if you tried to find someone else to date because things were so complicated with your boyfriend. Regardless of ages, this kind of break of trust can take the other person a long time to get over.
On top of that, he appears to be listening to other people - and it sounds as though they aren't being very encouraging or supportive of your relationship.
The best thing to do is talk to him. It sounds as if you are genuinely committed to making things work, and now you need to find out how he feels. If you calmly explain your feelings to him (try to use 'I' statements), perhaps then you can give him a chance to explain where he's coming from.
Unfortunately, if he has decided that this relationship isn't right for him, you can't force him to change his mind. Once you've explained how you feel, what you regret, and that are you commited to making things work, the ball is essentially in his court.
I wish you the best of luck.
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I know exactly what you are talking about. I'm 13 and my boyfriend of over a year is almost 21.
So, from what I can understand he broke up with you because of what people are saying? If so, then thats just plain stupid. If he really loved you as much as you say he does, he wouldn't care what other people think or say.
But whatever. I think you should call him up, and tell him he shouldn't worry about other people cause they are dumb. Tell him how much you love him and want to be with him. He will understand. I promise.
Good Luck. :D
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;] aww i believe that you are right;; you guys shouldn't have listened to what other people say, along with that i believe that this law is completely proposterous myself because my one friend is in the same boat, and he won't date her because of the law;; but i see what your saying, and don't drop your relationship just like that because of a stupid law, my ex-boyfriends parent met when his dad was 21 and his wife was 15 and there still together today, so if you believe that you would do anything for him etc. don't just give it all away just because of the law.. who knows maybe you guys will end up getting married ;] as to convincing him i would have to say just tell him that you would really like to give it another try because you feel like you would do anything for him, and that you love him ;] hope i helped and if you need anythign else let me knoww =]
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I know your situation has to be complicated given the fact that your boyfriend doesn't want to try anymore. I think that it's ok for you to say that you believe that you can get over the troubles and still make it, but it's up to him whether he will believe that too or not.
If he really does not want to try anymore, then you can move on and you can find someone else. Don't convice yourself that he's the only guy for you because he isn't. Besides, just because you go through a break-up and no longer are with someone, it doesn't mean you need to find someone right away. You'll probably feel that you have to but don't ever pressure yourself about it. If you find yourself chasing love, then give yourself a break and let love find you. Even if you've always been the one to wait, keep waiting and let yourself heal.
The only way he will understand that you can make it is if he believes it too. Let him know that you are willing to keep trying to make things work. If you both have a lot of problems, try finding a way to work them out. If you find yourselves fighting a lot, then instead of that, tell each other what they did and how it made you feel calmly. like this:
"I felt really (Feeling) When you (action that bothered you)"
That way he will be able to listen and know what's making you upset. Just remember that this has to do with him and his thoughts on your relationship at this point, not yours, you can't change his mind.
-TheTeenGirl
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I know what it's like to find love at a young age, and have everyone think it's not going to work out. My guy was the same age as me, however. We were together for three years, and he eventually just didn't want to try anymore. It hurt, and I tried everything. I was completely miserable during the next 6 months, trying so very hard, and getting nothing in return because he didn't want to try anymore.
The truth is, if he doesn't want to try anymore, there is nothing you can do to change that. Only he can make the decision to change. It would be easy for me to say,"I wish he would have tried." But the truth is, I'm better off. Sure, when I was with him, I loved him, and that was all I could see. But months after our break-up, I could see all the red-flags.
The same goes in your relationship. You love him, yes. But he doesn't want to try anymore. It's going to be hard, and you will be sad. But eventually, you'll move on. You'll find another person, and you'll grow from this relationship to make your next stronger and better.
I know this isn't want you want to hear. I didn't want to hear it when I was going through my breakup... but just remember, everything happens for a reason. You can't make him decide to try. Only he can. If he doesn't, then cry about it, get over it, and move on. If he does decide he wants to keep working on it, and he does have faith in your love, then great. This trial will only make your relationship stronger. Don't push him into trying, it will only push him further away. This is something he alone has to decide. You'll just have to accept it.
- Tipsy Gypsy
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Well I'm sure you've probably heard this before, but your only 15.. and you have a long time in life to find another guy.
I know break ups hurt,
and you could get back with this guy, but if he's 18, and he dropped out of school, I understand why your mother wouldnt want him to see you anymore. Put yourself in your mother's shoes.
I may not sound very nice, but I'm answering this honestly.
Can you see yourself getting married to this guy, that you've dated for just 8 months? Your far too young, to be thinking that far ahead you know? And since he's 18, and hes not in school, and hes probably not going to college. But you will still be in school, he wont be, so he'll have time to get to know other people, maybe other girls.. I'm not syaing thats going to happen, but the facct that he wants to give up, its a clear sign that hes most likley not that intersted anymore in trying, and its going to be hard, but I would suggest moving on.
That is easier said than done, I know.
I cant give you any suggestions on how to get him to see that you guys are supposed to be together, because if you were, then you'd know the reasons, but if you really cant think of any, then there isnt any. And I also, from what you've said, I think that he;s loss interest, you know? but sweetheart,
I say everything in the nicest way, no intentions of hurting your feelings, I'm just being honest, and everything i'm saying is in your best interest...
i hope things go well,
and you follow your heart.
any other questions, send them to my inbox.
<3
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It sounds as if your situation has many different layers, which makes everything more difficult.It also sounds as if one or two of these facets to the problem could be erased, leaving a clearer picture, so let's do some debunking!
For a start, I could be wrong here but I doubt that it's illegal for the two of you to date:what I imagine is illegal is for you to have sex.Which brings us on to wondering what you mean by saying "I know I could have tried more". Tried to do what? If he was pressuring you into sex, then you were right not to give in. However, it doesn't sound that way from your question. It sounds more as if he has a low self esteem and is demoralised(which is probably why he dropped out of school) and therefore is insecure in your love for him. It's a sad fact of life that the less we trust people to love us, the less they will be able to-doubt is an almost insurmountable barrier, and the belief that our partners will betray us can all too easily become a self-fullfilling prophecy. You in fact hint that you DID try to find someone else, which thickens the mix-doesn't mean that you can't sort the situation out.
So the dynamic between you and your boyfriend is your first problem. The next(though lesser) one is obviously your mother. What you need to do here is clear, simple, and almost impossible(but it has to be done if you're to save your relationship). You need to sit her down and tell her that you're a big girl who can make her own decisions, and that you love your boyfriend and her intefering will alienate you from HER and not from HIM. Just tell it to her straight-it won't be easy, but she has no right to interfere, two years isn't that big a difference, even at your young age.
It goes without saying that you also need to talk to your boyfriend. Don't apologize for anything, or try to explain the past:just concentrate on the future, and how you hope you guys will have one. It sounds to me as if you two have come a long way. Don't let fear. either yours or his, ruin it now!
If something in this pile of waffle helped you, then I'm happy. Please get in touch again anytime, to ask further advice or just to let me know how it all went.
Take care,
Lucretia.
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honestly if he really loves you then i think he would put forth more effort to stay with you. That is what true love is about. not giving up because of what others think. Love is the feeling that u dont care about others. You are just commited to that one personn and no one else matters. But i've never been in love so maybe im wrong. But then again it's common sense for me to think that!~
-Adrianna
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