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dirty movies are ruining my life
My husband and I have known each other for 6 years. We've been married for 3. Great life, lots of laughs, travel. I asked him not to ask me to watch dirty movies, as I do not think they're necessary for a marriage (plus I think it's not right to watch them AND they gross me out). BUt still, he subscribes to the channels. He doesn't make me watch them, but I know he does on his own (as I understand by our cable bill, once or twice a month). How can I make him understand how much this hurts me? That I don't feel like he values me enough as a woman because he still watches that filth? I've let him know time and time again, but he just calls me prude and frigid. Every fight we have can be somehow related to this issue. I feel like he's pulling away. Help!
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I fell your pain you know the best thing to da is to block the bad channels by going to your local cables company and have it removed from your television permently if not that than you need to spend more time outside or you house and enjoy the outdoor were there are is no televison in site.
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I'm sorry this has upset you so much - and it upsets a lot of women - but I cannot stress enough just how much guys are able to compartmentalize porn and how it really doesn't mean a damn thing in respect of their partners, or their love for them.
It is fantasy, similar to any romance novel or movie you watch. In sexual fantasies your husband likely looks for physical fulfillment, you are more likely looking for emotional fulfillment through fantasy. But should your husband feel insecure about fulfilling you romantically and emotionally because of Harlequin novels or because of Casablanca? Would he be logical to demand that you stop reading these books or watching those chick flicks, or at least skip the sections where there's a tender sex scene or heart-wrenching romantic gesture? A soap opera is out the question and don't even think about reading Pride and Prejudice again!
No. Of course that would be illogical. So what is it about sexual fantasies in the form of pornography that you are so apposed to? Fantasy is healthy and it is part of a healthy sex life. You otherwise have a wonderful marriage yes? So clearly your husband is capable of differentiating the fantasy of porn from the reality of his wonderful and adored wife.
I'm not saying he shouldn't stop. I'm not saying your feelings wrong. What I am trying to get at is the fact that you are the one who is making this into a gigantic problem in her own mind, and by extension, in her married life.
Speak to him about this, again. This time, reserve your judgment and ask and listen to why porn appeals to him. Put your feelings aside for just a few minutes so that you are able to truly appreciate what he is trying to tell you. Gice him time to form an honest response and let him know you'll accept anything he says without making him feel guilty. Demanding he understand how much this hurts you without understanding why he enjoys it is very unfair to him.
Tossing out an ultimatum (in this case, "No Porn") and expecting someone to comply is the kiss of death for any relationship, be with a child, a friend or a partner. Yes, these are your feelings and views and yes, he should respect them. Respecting them does not mean he must agree with you, or do what you would like.
Recognize although you might perceive his actions as wrong, he disagrees, and as you have not mentioned a lack of interest in you, or disrespect towards you or other women, or an overpowering sexual addiction, the problem actually resides in your response to his actions. Which is great! 'Cause your response is the one thing you have complete control over.
If you are capable of having an actual discussion with him, one where you both listen and respond to one another, without shame or blame assigned, you might be able to work out a compromise or mutual understanding. If you can show that you can respect his views and feelings, he'd probably be more willing to change his behavior to comfort and assure you.
However, if you can't discuss this, and can only both go on and on about your disagreement, you will continue fighting. He might try and hide the porn from you, or look for other outlets to get it from. That is the secrecy, distrust and poor communication that will rip him away from you, not the porn.
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Much as I respect the excellent advice just given to you by Brenda, I am going to go a different route-if you can't beat 'em, beat off! By which I mean you could ask your husband whether he would mind your looking on at one of his movies, and see how you feel. I understand that porn grosses you out, and I do agree that it's made largely for heterosexual men, but if watched with the right attitude of mind, it can be fun. Seriously, I used to find it quite an erotic bonding experience with some of my exes.
Porn makes a lot of women insecure. That's the first mistake, as sex and "beauty" (as promoted by magazines) have little to do with each other, despite what the cosmetic surgery industry may try to persuade us to the contrary. Try putting the laughter back into sex, and have a giigle at the silly accents and ridiculous scenarios laid on (pun fully intended) in the film. Porn is not just about sex-it's all round entertainment.
However, if you just can't envisage yourself doing that, then I wholly agree with Brenda that you should speak to your husband about it-if he loves you, he will care enough about your feelings to put his penchant for porn to one side. After all, it's a luxury, not a necessity, and one that can in no way repalce the sharing experience which is real sex. Which fact brings me full circle, and back to why I personally don't object to porn-it's the icing on the cake, something your husband enjoys because he can -all the more because he has a real live woman in his bed. Having said that, he shouldn't be calling you frigid-that's an unfairly harsh term. Whether or not you want to watch porn is your choice. I still think that whether or not he wants to watch it should be his. Maybe in the end you'll just have to agree to disagee.
Good luck,
Lucretia.
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Hi
Oh, the pull of porn!! I'm with you....I don't see the attraction to it, especially if you have a wife who is willing and ready to make that fantasy a reality.
Have you seriously sat down and had a heart to heart about it? You've asked him not to make you watch them, but does he know how much it truly bothers you that he watches them?
I think if you tell him that you feel degraded by him watching them, and you feel he's too busy looking at porn, which means he's not looking at you, maybe he'll get it.
Obviously, he feels it shouldn't be an issue, but if you feel strongly enough about it, then you need to stand your ground. Until he TRULY understands how hurt you are by it, he will likely continue.
Here's a thought....why don't you make his porn fantasy come true? It could spice up your sex life a bit, and hopefully help.
Good luck to you,
Brenda
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