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Q: 22/F So I've been in a relationship with my BF for 3 years now, and I love him very much. He's the only relationship I've ever had, and even now after living together we're both still virgins. We both agree we're not ready to bare the responsibilities that sex imposes. Of course it's hard but by now we're both used to it.

The issue that I find myself facing is... I never thought that me finding women attractive would be a problem. I could never picture a relationship with a woman, however I find them very attractive. And how can you not, women are beautiful creatures! But... what I now struggle with is I find that I no longer find my boyfriend attractive. It's like I don't want sex anymore. I've never had it and it feels like I never will, but lately I don't care. Doing it myself is good enough.

Last night I felt extremely guilty after I was done watching lesbian porn... I pictured my boyfriend doing what they were doing and I almost got turned off. But a woman doing it didn't sound good either. I cried after! I don't want a relationship with a woman, I'm romantically attracted to my boyfriend, however lately it's been women I've been fantasizing about. I have no idea what to do. We both agreed having sex after marriage would be best, but we want to get our lives together before we get hitched.
Am I asexual? Bisexual? I'm so confused and scared. Can anyone relate, or give any advice? Am I freaking out over nothing? I would talk to my boyfriend but I don't want to hurt him before I even know what's going on myself. Any input would be much appreciated
What you're experiencing is very normal. Human sexuality falls along a continuum between strictly straight and strictly gay. While some people do identify as bisexual (I have two friends, male and female, who are bisexual and have had relationships with men and women), some consider themselves straight in terms of sexual orientation but bi-curious, in the sense that they may fantasize about having sex or sexual activity with someone of the same sex, but may or may not have acted upon it..or are sometimes attracted to people of the same sex, but would not actually be turned on to the point where they would be interested in pursuing anything.

I myself identify as a straight woman. I've only had relationships with other men, and have slept with men. I sometimes do get intrigued by women I find to be beautiful, and I have also watched lesbian porn before (and enjoyed it), but I wouldn't be interested in having sex with another woman. I think seeing another women have oral sex performed on her can turn us on because we imagine how that must feel-- if it were a man doing the same thing to the woman, I'd also be turned on, but typically it's in lesbian (and not straight) porn that the women's needs are front and center.

No body can tell you for sure what or who you are. You could be straight, bisexual, or bicurious...you're definitely not asexual. My guess is you're probably straight, since you don't seem to want to establish a relationship with another woman and aren't turned on by the idea of actually having sex with another woman-- but are having very normal attraction to women you find to be beautiful. I've felt the butterflies around other beautiful women before, but I am not turned on by the idea of taking anything further with them sexually. So, there's nothing wrong with what you're feeling. The 20's are years where you're figuring yourself out and exploring your sexuality...heck, anytime in life is the right time, so it's good that you're being honest with your feelings at a young age. My advice is to talk to your boyfriend about how you're feeling and to determine a way to approach this that will be good for both of you. You need to honor your own feelings around it, because bottling things up is never a good idea. A good way to approach it is to let your boyfriend know you still love him, but have been finding yourself attracted to other women not to the point where you'd have a relationship with them, but you find yourself not wanting sex as much. You will need to have a heart to heart with him so that you can communicate your needs and progress in the relationship from a healthier place. No matter what happens, I hope that you and your boyfriend find some acceptance and a way to move forward in a positive direction.

Q: I really liked this guy in my school and then we went to the mall together and we kissed ( it was my first proper kiss) multiple times. He then wanted to finger me but i said no.
Now since then ( happened Saturday)he wont talk to me he just walks past me at school.
I told my friend butshe doesnt even live in the same city as me and she went on my instagram an commented " baby message me" as a joke on his picture so i told him my friend was commenting on a bunch of peoples pictures so he didnt realise i told her. So it could be that or it could be that he just wanted to hook up with me or something.
Please help i dont know what to do
It can't be easy having to see him at school everyday, but know you did the right thing. You weren't comfortable taking things further with him and you rightfully said no. In all likelihood, he didn't get his way with you, so he sees no point in talking to you. Unfortunately, some immature guys act like that, but look at it this way: now you know what he's all about and that he only cared about one thing. How he reacts is on him- the only thing you should focus on right now is you. As difficult and awkward as it may be, ignore him back. Don't try to maintain contact or smooth things over with him. He's the one being immature and inconsiderate. Even if it was partly over the Instagram comment, it's still the wrong reaction for him to have. Let it go. Focus on yourself and your friends. You'll eventually meet someone who is worth your time, and who shows you exactly how you deserve to be treated.

Q: I really like, would almost say love my boyfriend. He's been really amazing to me and he's almost everything I want. Our relationship is healthy and we both have good futures ahead of us so we make a good power couple.

My problems is my boyfriend wants to take our relationship to the next level, but I don't.

I'm a full-time student, full-time worker, and a natural busy-bee who just moved to a new college, where I want to join a sorority, get involved in faith ministries, make new friends, join various clubs, and I want to take at least 5 classes so I can graduate early. With all this going on I just don't feel like we're at the same places in life. I want to live on campus and spend a lot of time there where as he really wants me to move in with him and spend a lot more time with him. These two things can't mix because he lives 40 minutes away from my college.

I've also previously had a SO live with me before and I'm just not ready for that again. I don't want to have to plan out my entire life around somebody else at my age. I also don't want to be held to the kind of expectations men get when they live with their girlfriend. I feel like men have this imaginary dreamland in their head of what it's going to be like where they think their girlfriend is going to be super happy all the time, do all the cooking and cleaning, where they're going to get sex all the time, where periods cease to exist, where everything is just super amazing when it's not like that.

I enjoy spending time with him, but seeing him a couple days a week is fine to me, when he wants so much more.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt him, but sometimes I really feel like my interests are in places other than being in a relationship with somebody who wants to take precedent in my life over everything else when so many other things are just as important to me. I just want to take the relationship slow and see what it eventually develops into, but he wants to speed things up with me into something more serious when we've only been dating a couple months.


You need to communicate this to him. It is also a red flag that he wants to jump into things so quickly and take the relationship to the next level after only a couple months of dating. It seems he has let the excitement of the relationship take over his better judgement. It's totally fine to want to live with a boy/girlfriend, but definitely not after such a short time.

Both of you either need to come to an agreement- meaning you live your life the way you need to and live away from each other, or you decide to part ways. If living with him means sacrificing your own goals, then you're right not to want to. You've just started college, and I also agree that the focus should be on you. Wanting to get involved in campus life and take a full-time (or more) course load is a big commitment in itself, as you know. You mentioned that you don't want to hurt him-- when really, you need to focus on not hurting yourself in the process. You already know you're not ready to live with him, and that is totally reasonable. You just need to tell him that you'll need to take things at a slower pace and have room to manage your own college life. If he is understanding, great. If not, you'll know that he isn't worth your time or energy, and you can move on.

Q: Hello,
My boyfriend and I are 17 and 18 years old. We started a long distance relationship a little over six months ago. Back then, I was still a virgin and he knew that. However, a few months ago I cheated on him and lost my virginity to a guy I honestly had no feelings for. I was completely aware of what I was doing and I did it because I really just wanted to get it over with. I made sure there were no feelings attached. Now, the guy still chases after me, but I want no business with him, or any other guy rather than my boyfriend. I love him to death and really have no trouble remaining faithful. I realized it wasn't worth it and he's truly the only guy I ever want to be with. However, I know that he'll want to break up with me and his heart will be completely shattered if he knows. He keeps talking about how magical he wants my first time to be once we finally see each other again. And I believe it will be magical because it'll be with him. I don't want to lose him, but I do think he needs to know. I also don't think it's any conversation to have via phone/text/video. A close friend told me not to say anything '"cause there's no point". I know if we were in the same time zone it'd be easier to confess and try to win his trust back, but I have a serious disadvantage by not being able to daily demonstrate my true feelings towards him. I've thought of telling him in the far future, once we're living together, but I don't know how he'll feel about it after such a long time...
Also, I'm actually kind of glad I did it only because it was extremely painful, and he wasn't the one who caused that terrible experience. The guy was gentle, so it would've been bad either way. Should I tell him when we finally meet again? If so, should I do it as soon as possible, or do I give it some time? If I do choose to tell him, I know I probably shouldn't have sex with him until he's known, but I'm terribly scared of ruining the possibility of a future with him.
I'd appreciate any thoughts and advice,
Thank you.
This isn't an easy situation to be in, but to be honest, the reason why is because of how heavily the regret weighs on your shoulders. I hope you understand that "getting it over with" is never the right reason to do anything, let alone have sex for the first time. I am not saying this to hurt you or make you have more regret, only to bring that to your attention. Sex is definitely not something that needs to be rushed- people are ready at different times. For a lot of young people though, the pressure is real. But I'll tell you one thing: sex is more important than people make it out to be. It's part of who you are, and a negative experience can have far-reaching effects. That's why it's important to wait until you are fully ready. It's okay to make mistakes. Not everyone's first time is magical- it can be downright awkward. You have this as a learning experience for next time.

Now, in my opinion, you should tell your boyfriend as soon as possible, and preferably in person. It will weigh heavily on your heart, if you don't. You also need to be prepared for the outcome: at the very least, he will be incredibly hurt, or he could choose to break up with you. Either way, I think he would find out eventually, in case you break down. It's better for him to be told and hurt, than to be led on by a lie/find out later (that would hurt the worst). Not telling him is convenient for you-- it prevents you from feeling the pain of a possible break up, or having your boyfriend get angry at you, etc. But think of him, first. He deserves to know, no matter how badly telling him feels to you. I would suggest letting him know that you acted without thinking, that the other guy meant nothing to you, and that this whole experience made you realize how much you care for your boyfriend and would hate to lose him. Most importantly, make sure you make it clear that you are responsible for your actions and deeply regret betraying his trust/would do what it takes to maintain the relationship. You can do whatever you choose, but I will tell you, the truth hurts but it can also set you free. It might not feel like it, but you'll at least know that you did the right thing and learn to make better decisions for yourself next time. Best of luck.

Q: My husband and I's one year anniversary is coming up in a few months, and so is a very close friend's wedding, her wedding date: our one year anniversary. I'm at a loss of what to do. My husband wouldn't be able to come with me to her wedding, and my friend would be extremely hurt if I didn't go. What makes the situation awkward is I knew when picking my wedding date that my friend would be getting married that same day. I had no choice however (my husband is military). I reassured and promised her since she got engaged that I would be there at her wedding. In fact, as soon as I got the wedding invite, I texted her and let her know I would be there and how excited I was. My husband always knew I'd be going, but I guess it just clicked for him I'd be missing or first anniversary. He's very upset, anniversaries are very important to him. I tried reasoning with him that we could celebrate another day, but he's not having it. What do I do? I will always pick my husband over anything, but shouldn't he be more understanding? Should I be present for the most important day of my close friend's life and hurt my husband? Or be there with my husband for our one year anniversary and risk losing my friend? (And I have very few true good friends)
I can understand how you feel-- both events are very important and you wouldn't want to miss either. I would talk to your husband about it, making him understand how you value both days (she's a close friend) and absolutely want to make him a priority. See if you can compromise with both of them. If the wedding is at night, maybe just go to the reception, and do something special with your husband during the day. Or you could stay for part of the wedding and leave early so you can spend time with your husband. In addition to that, you could even start an "early" anniversary, meaning you stay up at night and have a little countdown to midnight, with something romantic planned for then (maybe a champagne toast or some wine). Have some suggestions for activities planned so that your husband sees you care and want to make an effort. Good luck!

Q: I have this ex boyfriend and his new girlfriend. We broke up 5 months ago and today is their first month together. Actually, they are just reunited. They have been together, before me and I just found it out after we broke up. My ex hide it from me. I'm the one who broke up with him, but then I realize I can't live w/o him so i tried to fix things up but he said he's tired of everything. Many people say that me and the girl have similarities in our appearance (which for me is not true). So I decided to move on and get out of their lives. Recently, the girl is chatting me on Feb, telling me things about them, giving me advices abt relationships, and like telling me straight to my face that I was just a rebound. And then there comes my ex. I already unfriend him on fb but he added me again. Talks to me like nothing happened, he tells me his problems then tells me to keep it a secret, calling me out (but i rejected). He even shows my picture to his friends. Then the girl now is blocking my friends, telling the boy that we are fighting and other bitter things. What should I do with them?
You need to keep your distance from them. Unfortunately, Facebook makes it really easy for people to create drama- even though the contact isn't in-person, it still hurts you. I think that your ex's girlfriend is jealous and manipulative, and is acting out to try to spite you. But the bigger issue is that your boyfriend is not letting go and respecting your boundaries, even when you explicitly unfriended him on FB. In my view, FB is a microcosm of reality; when you unfriend someone, it means you want to end contact. Period. I believe he cares more about the rejection (i.e., You broke up with him and decided to unfriend him) than anything else, and is simply trying to control the situation in his favor.

You know what? He and his new girlfriend are probably better suited to each other: they are both jealous and controlling. You can do much better and you don't need to put up with their immature antics. I suggest you not only unfriend them both, but block them on FB. This will prevent them from finding your profile at all. They will be out of your life, and you can move on.

Q: I have been dating a guy for 2 years. Throughout this time we have had our ops and downs and I have also found out he is a compulsive liar. A few months ago he started a new job at a restaurant and has been hanging out with some of his coworkers for drinks/pool on the weekends. One of his coworkers seems to have taken interest in him. I have his instagram login and she just recently asked to befriend him on there. Well after he accepts that, he deleted the pictures with me in them. I ask him about it and he claims he deleted more pictures (he didn't) and plans to delete his instagram (don't believe it). I believe he deleted my pictures so his coworker wouldn't see them. Just two days ago he tells me he is going to shoot some pool with "the guys from work". Come to find out, he went to a bar with this girl for her birthday. The fact that he lied about who he was with leads me to believe something is going on. I actually texted the other girl and she claims there is nothing going on between them and they're just coworkers but did apologize for the feelings she has for him. I want to believe her but my gut tells me otherwise. He has done this type of thing before (gone behind my back and seen other women). I want to end the relationship because I don't trust him and I feel dumb to stick around again. What would you do? We are 24/25 if that matters.
My gut feeling is that you should end the relationship with your boyfriend since you mention he's a compulsive liar, and that he seen other women behind your back before. Whether or not he is seeing his coworker is not the only issue-- it is the fact that he has had this pattern of behavior before. He may or may not be involved with her, but he doesn't seem like a trustworthy person when it comes to your relationship.

Now, about him shooting pool with the guys-- he may not want you to get upset over his coworker, and he might well be trying to hide that he sees her. Add to that the fact that he deleted photos of you two together on his Instagram account, while you are STILL in a relationship. Why? Why would anyone want to do that unless they are hiding that they are in a relationship? I know you've been together for two years, but that's no reason to have to put up with more than you need to. I can't tell you what to do, but I would advise following your intuition about him. I really don't think he's worth putting up with.

Q: I'm a girl, and I have a crush on my best guy friend, how do I get him to like me more than a friend?
Hmmm...there's no easy answer to your question. I would say that honesty is the best policy, because otherwise the idea that you have a crush on your friend will loom over you like the 800 pound gorilla in the room. It would be better to be clear how you feel, although it might not come without consequences. A) You don't know how he feels about you, B) You don't know how he will react to the news. The only thing you can do is be honest--leave the rest up to him.

Since you two are good friends, it should make it easier for you to disclose this information. How you tell him makes a big difference. So I'd say, bring it up in a non-confrontational way when you feel it's the right time/place. You could start off letting him know that there's something on your mind and it's not easy for you to tell him, but that you have a crush on him. Maybe also say that you like him as a friend and want to continue being his friend.. and that having this on your mind is hard so you're sharing that info with him. If he seems like he doesn't know how to respond or seems uncomfortable, you could tell him that you value his input and don't want to make him feel shy in any way. Maybe then suggest hanging out and go about your business as usual (aka, BE YOURSELF). Try not to be awkward or uncomfortable about it, and if you do feel that way, you could let him know how you feel. Sometimes just owning up to our own uncomfortable feelings makes it easier for others to do the same (we set an example). Ultimately, it's up to you what you do. I hope things go well, and that this doesn't affect your friendship in any way.

Q: 20/f

I have personally been very unlucky in the love department. But I feel that I'm not the only one. All around me I see people falling out of love,pretending to be in love,cheating,marrying out of interest,only going after sex and what not. Seeing all these things done by both men and women (although being a woman I often feel men are the emotionless ones) I wonder if love has become a thing of the past. It's like,if you're a guy,you only get the girl if you're rich. If you're a girl,you only get a guy if you look like a model. Personally I don't care what a guy owns because I'm a woman who is taking care of herself very well and I need no man to support me. But I don't look like a model,really. I'm good looking but not that much. And it seems like no one is willing to overlook physical flaws or a lesser financial status and love is non-existent in that case. I would really love to meet a guy who appreciates me for who I am-not for superficial things that can change any day. Are there no more men or women who can love? Has it only become a matter of some sort of interest?
I know how you feel. Looking around at people in younger generations in particular, it is very easy to think that love no longer exists or is extremely rare. Add to that our social norms- people feel validated by and get rewarded for being attractive, rich, etc. So it's no wonder why a lot of people seek out those qualities at the expense of more important things like shared values, humility, kindness, intelligence, etc; it has a lot to do with our superficial society. You seem mature for your age. Most people in their early 20's haven't reached a level of awareness and maturity necessary to truly love. Some people grow out of their immaturity, some people don't.

Try to look underneath the surface of things: there are a lot of people out there who feel the same way you do. The trick is to look past those who see "love" as some sort of Hollywood fantasy/prettiest girl and richest guy win, and have hope in your heart that there are people out there who value what truly matters: connection and compatibility. Yes, believe it or not, there are men out there who are tired of what you describe, and are looking for like-minded women to spend time with. Same goes for women. I don't believe that there are no men or women out there who can love, only that our culture promotes selfish, superficial bullshit as far as "love" is concerned. But there are exceptions, lots of them! I know some really great guys and girls who are looking for real friendship and love.

I suggest focusing on your own life and goals, taking care of yourself, and surrounding yourself with people you love who truly get you. You will begin to attract the right kinds of people into your life by simply being yourself. Instead of wasting energy lamenting how shitty and superficial people have become in their views of dating/marriage, think about how you can attract the direct opposite: people who think more like you do. Dating can be tough--there are plenty of really great guys who might not be right for you, not necessarily because they are superficial or self-absorbed, but because they are not compatible with you. Just focus on getting yourself out there when you're ready, not putting up with insincere/superficial/arrogant men, and focusing on spending time with men who value who you are as a person and make you feel at ease and good about yourself. They are out there, I promise! The key is to not lose hope.

Q: My ex and I dated for a year we later broke up in a very weird way and there wasn't much closure. I got over it and dated others. Long story short I get a texted a year and some months later asking me how I have been and if there was anything new going on in my life. We texted on and off for a bit and I agreed to see him, we both ended up cancelling but he texted me again later to hang out and I was busy at work. He told me to text him whenever I was free and that we would hang out and catch up. I texted him back to say that I forget and to text me next time. It's been a month and no text? I am not interested in a romantic relationship anymore but this behavior confuses me?
Whatever his reason for not texting you back, there is no point in continuing to think about why. This doesn't necessarily mean that he sent you mixed signals-- that would be if he constantly ran hot and cold, giving you indications that he is interested and then backing off once you showed interest/crawling back only to disappear again, etc. Like Razhie already mentioned, sometimes people change their minds and decide not to pursue for whatever reason. He could have lost interest, got really busy/sidetracked, doesn't want to give you the impression that he wants to start a relationship, got intimidated by his own feelings for you/your history together, or any number of reasons.

Your job isn't to figure out why he hasn't contacted you. You could spend hours ruminating all the possible reasons and still not come to any solid conclusion, simply because there's no real way of knowing. You already know what you need to know: that he hasn't contacted you in a month. End of story. If he really wanted to, he would have. It wasn't a priority for him. One thing I will say is that you two have a history together, and sometimes men back off when they *think* that women will try to get back together, get emotional/attached, etc. Even though this doesn't apply to you in particular, he doesn't know that. I would advise on either letting this one go, or sending a casual text checking to see how he's doing and leave the rest to him. If you do decide to contact him, try not to get your hopes of seeing him up. Let things happen as they may and focus on your own life.

Q: I'm 20 and I broke up with my first love a year ago. I loved him with every fibre in my being and did literally everything for him, even if it went against my morals. I spent all the money I had on getting him expensive gifts and I stuck with him, even when he couldn't care less about me. When we broke up because of the fact that he didn't wanna deal with commitment, at this stage in his life, he wasn't upset, not even for a day. It's been over a year and I've been the only one carrying all this pain and I've been holding so much hope that we could get back together, someday. We still see each other and he kisses me and that's what gave me hope that he still likes me. But last night, he told me that he'd never even think of marrying someone like me and that he needs a submissive kind of girl who doesn't pick up on the wrong things he does, like I did.I always picked up on all his lies and everything he hid from me. It hit me all at once, last night that he's been using me this past year and using my vulnerability. I cried in front of him for two hours straight and he kept saying the same things like "You're not my first love so I can't hold that much love for you" and "I told you I didn't want a relationship" "My first made me lose all my emotions" . I don't know why I'm so attached to him or why I'm even this devastated over a jerk like him. I just need someone to talk some sense into me. I worry, that I'll never be good enough for someone. What else can I do for someone to make them appreciate me? I allowed him to cross so many limits of mine and went above and beyond for him, and I get this, in return. How will I expect the next guy in my life to appreciate what I'll do for him and not break my heart again?
The problem with your relationship is that it was entirely one-sided; what you rightfully needed from your boyfriend was at odds with what he was, and is, able or willing to give.

To sum up what I gather from your description of your ex:

a) He is not looking for a committed relationship, possibly because he has been hurt in the past. He even expressed to you in plain English that he "...didn't want a relationship." For whatever reason (usually having more to do with early experiences in life/with a parent) he is afraid to commit. So he won't.

b) He does not want to be called out on his lies. What this boils down to is that he wants to have the freedom to do and say what he wants, even if it hurts you, rather than own up to any wrongdoing and put in any real effort toward changing. He said that he needs a "submissive girl who doesn't pick up on the wrong things he does." Basically, he wants to continue doing those "wrong things" without having to own up to them. This will never result in having a healthy relationship.

c) He seems uncomfortable with your display of emotions (crying), and instead of comforting you or trying to actually hear you out and LISTEN to you, he kept brushing off your concerns and sadness by rationalizing his immature behavior (i.e., by saying things like "my first made me lose all my emotions."). Translation: He is not ready to admit to any wrongdoing, and is instead trying to rationalize why he did/said what he did.

d) A kiss is just a kiss, in this case. Just because he kisses you when you see him doesn't mean that he wants to be in a relationship with you. It's purely physical for him, he might do it out of habit, or to make you feel better. I don't know. All I can say is, his past behavior indicates that he is not prepared to be in a healthy relationship with you or anyone else at this point. I would suggest cutting all ties with him. You deserve much better.

e) You are already aware that he has been using you and your vulnerability, but don't blame yourself. It is really easy to get our emotions tangled up and make the wrong kinds of decisions for ourselves when we fall in love. It is entirely possible to fall in love with someone who is wrong for us and our happiness. And it's really easy to get hurt. It doesn't have to be this way, just because you had this one bad experience. You're still young.

You ask what else you could do to make someone appreciate you? Nothing. The answer is nothing. You should never have to go out of your way to gain anyone's approval. Simply take care of yourself and your own emotional needs, and be yourself. The right kind of person will appreciate you for who you are. And then, when you do special things for each other like spend time together, celebrate events, etc., it will be reciprocated by that person. Why? Because they care, and they want to make you feel happy as well. The next guy in your life will absolutely appreciate what you do for him, because he will value who you are and what you do. And usually, decent people do decent things like acknowledge your efforts and do their very best to give back. Because that is what healthy relationships are all about: give and take. Your ex emotionally depleted you without giving back-- the truth is, he is in no position to. You need to seek out other guys who are confident in who they are, generous and giving toward others/those they care about, and ready/willing to commit to one lucky girl: YOU.

Q: Dear Vikki

I'm 24 and from South Africa. I have been in a relationship for almost 7 months now and before that we were only friends. I love him a lot and care about him a lot, but at times I feel that my insecurities gets in the way and it ends up in us having an argument about something small and stupid. See we have a long distance relationship at the moment and it is mostly when he cannot have decent conversation at night because his busy and then I start thinking "maybe he doesn't want to talk to me" , "maybe he doesn't find me interesting anymore and he will leave me for someone else" and I do know that he cares for me a lot and that he loves me and as soon as I think I have these feelings under control, it creeps in again. I don't want to lose him, because I was insecure and clingy. I never was like this in the beginning. I was cheated on before and most of the times it is when I'm away from him, when we are together, I don't have it and because of this it makes things hard for me. I care about people real fast and they can actually hurt me with words. How do I get past this? How can I get past my insecurities and not be clingy when I feel like these emotions are creeping in? I'm not jealous when it comes to being his girlfriends, because I know what type of guy he is. I know he will never cheat on me, but because I don't always see myself as beautiful, I'm sometimes afraid he will leave me for someone more beautiful than me. The guy that cheated on me used to say to me, that I shouldn't think that someone can love me, because there feelings will change. I was so deeply hurt.

Is there any advice you can give me? Guess I'm just looking for someone to talk to that I don't know personally!

Thanks!
I can say that a lot of our insecurities come to the surface when we are in relationships. The only way to get past it is to reflect on when these insecurities arise and why, and to take ownership over them because our issues are our own. It isn't always easy, but it's the only way because no matter who you are with, feelings and insecurities can be triggered. Often our negative experiences taint current relationships--and a reminder that you don't need to drag the past into your current situation can be helpful. Since you are aware of your worry of your boyfriend leaving you/no longer wanting you, and the pain of being cheated on by a past boyfriend, you can change your outlook.

First, it seems to me that your insecurity over the possibility of your boyfriend breaking up with you stems from your anxiety and feelings of inadequacy. Anxiety sometimes gets triggered when we fear losing someone- and in your case, a long distance relationship. But why the fear? You have been cheated on before (by someone else) for one thing, and could possibly have a tense relationship/connection to one or both parents (which can account for relationship anxiety) over fear of abandonment which can be deeply rooted--now, this is relevant for some people, though certainly not all. Add to this your long-distance relationship (you are not with him for much of the time). Anxiety can get triggered in different ways, without our conscious awareness. One or more of these factors can play a role in how you feel. It's likely that your anxiety rather than any external factors are causing you distress. It's easy to blame ourselves for any changes in other people's behavior (as in, I must have said or did something to push him away). The truth is, we are usually more critical of ourselves as a way to understand and make sense of other people's behavior towards us, when in fact, the way in which someone acts/behaves usually has little to do with anything we said/did to begin with, and more to do with their individual psychology. This isn't to say that we should never own up to anything we may have said/done, but that most of the time, we are overly critical of ourselves and fail to see the bigger picture. As for feeling inadequate in terms of how beautiful you might feel in comparison to other women, understand that your boyfriend finds you beautiful, which is why he is with you. More importantly, believe you are beautiful inside and out, and have many positive qualities to offer.

Now, my suggestion is that you practice being less anxious and self-critical. This will help you deal with this and other situations immensely. Meditation and yoga work wonders, and if it's feasible, talking to a therapist can help too. It's also helpful to immerse yourself in activities you enjoy that relax you, and to spend time with friends. You need to take care of yourself and have a social life--your boyfriend is an important part of your life, but you need to stop being preoccupied. I also suggest that you have a talk with him, and make an agreement on days/times you are both available to talk on Skype. He is probably busy with life as well, and you should be too. For times you can both stay in touch to talk, an agreed-upon schedule can help reduce your feelings that he doesn't want to invest time in keeping in touch with you. It seems that your feelings are your own, and have nothing to do with how your boyfriend feels about you. Unless he starts acting "off" (constantly making excuses on why he can't talk, seems detached/uninterested, etc), you can rest assured he is committed to you. Usually men will either hint at how they feel about you or tell you directly, so it seems to me that your feelings are yours alone. The only thing you can change is your outlook and level of anxiety.

Q: ok, so thats me, the one with the girl hating my guts. I couldnt log into my account, so i had to reset amd i just used a quick account, but, the girl (L) will crumple up my notes when i send them to her, and shes been pissed now for about 4 months. And is anerexsia really that serious? She needs professional help? :0
I think you should distance yourself from her, because clearly she isn't in the right place and probably needs some space. I also think you should stop sending notes to her, because as of yet, it's only resulted in her crumpling them up. As for the Anorexia, it is very serious and potentially life-threatening. I don't think that bringing that up to her will inspire her to seek help. What I think is best is to talk to a school counselor about how she has Anorexia and you are concerned about her health. The counselor can guide you, and possibly bring up this issue with the girl herself-- don't worry, since all information is confidential, she will not find out that you spoke to the counselor- simply that the counselor him/herself has concerns. I don't know what the process is as far as family involvement, etc., but that's not your issue to worry about. The counselor can take care of things.

Q: i am a female and i have a boyfriend. i'm almost 17 and he's 16. we've been together for 5 months now. i went to a guy's house, we did have a short fling, but it's over now and he ended up trying to pressure me into things, i continuously repeated i didn't want to cheat and even ended up crying over it in front of him, but that didn't stop him and he threatened to make me walk home, i was about 40 minutes from my house and had no clue where i was. so i got scared and allowed him to do some things to me..i never kissed him or touched him. then he got rather aggressive at one point and had me pinned against the wall, my back to him and arms behind my back held by his body, pulled my hair back hard and place his hand over my neck. at that point i was frightened if i didn't let him go farther he'd do it anyway and well i got him to agree to keep all clothes on and nothing goes inside of me. well the next day i told my boyfriend, he was quite pissed and yelled at me, telling me how stupid i was and that i cheated..i honestly have no clue what to do because i NEED to make it up to him and at the same time i feel like he should break up with me. also i want him to hold me and tell me it's okay and that i'm safe, yet i don't want to be touched ever again.....what do i do about everything?
He sexually assaulted you, and that is grounds for arrest. Threatening and doing anything physical without consent is absolutely a legitimate reason to file a police report. Don't think about your boyfriend, think about YOU and your safety. Think of it this way- if you don't act, this asshole can go around doing the same things, if not worse things, to other girls.

This guy threatened you, held you forcefully and assaulted you. You did NOT "allow him to do things," he simply got away with it because you were too afraid to do anything. Your boyfriend is not being supportive of you-- he's immature and well, 16 years old. He's hurt but he is not keeping your best interest at heart.

For now, tell a trusted adult what happened--it does not have to be a parent- you can tell a school counselor. Have them guide you through the process. They can help you get through this, just by being there to listen to you. If you feel comfortable telling your parents, it would be a good idea to talk to a therapist about this because what happened to you is serious. Remember, you can and should absolutely file a police report against him. Don't be afraid to do so. He has no right to mistreat you or any other girl, this is called SEXUAL ASSAULT and it's a serious offense.

Q: So I'm a 35 y/o f and I met a younger guy (24) on a dating website. He told me straight out that he was only looking to hook up was not looking for anything serious. I was very attracted to him so I agreed to this. Needless to say me being the emotional person I am, I did develop feelings for him after only a few times getting together. When I told him this (through text bc who talks in person anymore? Lol) he was nice but said we should probably end things. I told him I'd still wanted to see him but it was up to him. His response was "let's take a break" that was a few weeks ago and I haven't heard from him. Should I just consider this over? Or should I still cling to that small hope he'll contact me.? I'm so confused....
I agree with the answer below. When a guy tells you they're not looking for anything serious, you need to take it at face value. He was honest about what he was looking for, and you agreed to it out of attraction to him. But sometimes emotions get caught up and we develop feelings. It happens. You probably didn't intend for it to work out that way, but you can't fight how you feel. He, on the other hand, did not develop feelings. In my experience, men are usually either a) upfront about what they want- and he was, or b) send you signs early on, even if they are not direct. They are not hard to read, for the most part. Sometimes women overanalyze or keep their hopes up high...but there is no reason to, because he already told you he isn't looking for a relationship. If a man really wants you, he will make it known through his actions.

You are fortunate enough that he is being honest with you from the start. Some people lead women on or make them believe there is something there when there really isn't (only to conveniently keep them around as backup).. My take on it is that his telling you he wants to take a break is a gentler way of breaking it off. He knows that you developed feelings for him, while he still only wants to have a fling. You need to see eye-to-eye with the men you date. If you want potential for a relationship, then you need to date men who by their words and more importantly, their actions, show you that they are looking for the same. Try to let go of this guy, even though it's easier said than done. The age difference alone leads me to believe he is simply not ready for anything serious-- please try to date men around your own age (higher likelihood of wanting something more serious, and being on your level in terms of emotional maturity). When you feel ready, date other men. Keep your options open, because he is not interested in having a relationship with you. When you are with a guy, take what they say and how they act as clues into how they really feel. If a (mature) man really wants to be with you, he WILL make it known.

Q: I'm Male, 19 years old. I've been with my girlfriend for almost 16 months. We're both virgins. Lately, since I started working, I've had the temptation to just go out and cheat. I'm always super horny and fantasizing about doing stuff with other girls. I love my girlfriend and I feel super guilty for wanting to cheat. We never really do anything besides kiss. I don't want to pressure her into doing anything she doesn't want, and I don't pressure her. But she'll do stuff that hints that she wants to do something, then doesn't do it. Like sometimes we'll be sitting and she'll grab me and/or stroke me for a few seconds then stop. Sometimes she'll put my hand on her crotch so I could rub, but we never go any further. I work at a busy place in nyc, so I'm always seeing and meeting nice attractive girls. I always fantasize on my train commute too. Like everyday. Sometimes I even wonder about calling an escort, but I don't want to mess up.
What you're going through now is completely normal. You are a young guy, living in NYC- I used to live there too. NYC is full of beautiful women and it's an extremely fast paced city, so the idea of wanting to experiment with other people is not at all far fetched. Add to that your age and the fact that you are a virgin. Sex is a very normal thing to want at your age (or any age, for that matter, but especially at your age). Committing to one person at age 19 is not an easy thing for a guy to do, but you have been with your girlfriend for over a year. To me, being in a committed relationship means that you do not cheat on your partner, period. Fantasizing about other people is natural, however acting on that fantasy is never a good idea. You mention that you "don't want to mess up," which to me, indicates that you are committed to the relationship.

My thought is that you are frustrated with being a virgin and/or not going further sexually, and are probably more ready to have sex than your girlfriend may be. This would explain why you fantasize about sex or calling an escort. What you want is sex, and that's totally okay. It would not be okay to cheat. It would be one thing to not be committed to the relationship, grow apart, lose interest, etc., then break up and find someone else, and something else entirely to actually go through with cheating. If you do, you will feel like shit and you'll end up breaking your girlfriend's heart. So the best thing you can do is tell your girlfriend that you care about her very much, and feel like you may both be at a point where it's safe-physically and emotionally- to take things further sexually. Now this is the harder part: listen to her. Make sure you hear her out, and make sure that if she agrees to have sex sometime soon, it's on her terms. I assume you're around the same age-- if she is not yet 18 (legal age), then definitely wait until she is. If you do get to that point soon, then of course, go slow, be patient with her, and be understanding; losing your virginity will be a milestone for both of you. Use a condom and/or birth control (or both) correctly every time. And finally, don't feel bad for feeling the way you do. I wouldn't share all your fantasies of other women with your girlfriend because she might feel hurt or offended, but a good way to to express your feelings is to let her know that you are ready to take things to the next level with her, because you care about her too. Best of luck!

Q: Once I have anal sex and it didn't slipper to my vagina, am I still a virgin? (Stressed)
Regardless of whether you had sex vaginally or not, you are not a virgin. You still had sex--anal sex is still sex. So even if your hymen is still in tact, you aren't a virgin. I don't know what your personal viewpoints or values are, and I'm sorry if this changes things for you. The most important thing is to only have sex when you feel it is right and you are comfortable (you sound young, so please hold off until you are older).. If you do go ahead with things, make sure to use a condom EVERY TIME. You can still contract STD's through anal or oral sex, not just vaginal.

Q: ok so my boyfriend is bisexual. which is alright with me, the other day he confessed that he and my best guy friend were curious. my boyfriend gave the guy a blowjob. he said he doesn't consider it to be cheating, and he says he would never cheat on me because he loves me. I consider it to be cheating, I mean what if he gets curious again? what should I do? I'm so confused, please help.
Just because he was involved with a guy doesn't mean it shouldn't be considered cheating. He is using his sexual curiosity and orientation as an excuse to lead you to believe that he was only experimenting, rather than cheating on you. The truth is, when someone is in a relationship and then gets involved with another person in a romantic or sexual way, then they cheated on their boy/girlfriend or spouse.

Your boyfriend wants you in the picture while he has the freedom to experiment with other guys. Now, unless you both agree to be in an open relationship (and by the way things sound, you would not be okay with that), meaning you are BOTH okay with having any form of sex with other people, then it really isn't fair for you to put up with his behavior.

To be fair, he is young, and what he is going through is a very normal part of his sexual growth and identity. But what doesn't make it okay, is that he is getting involved with other guys while he is in an exclusive relationship with you. It seems to me that at this point, he has too much to sort through in terms of his sexuality to be in any sort of serious relationship. He should really take this time to sort through his sexual preferences, desires, orientation, etc., because until he is ready to commit to one person at a time, his curiosity and desire will get the better half of him.

Q: I have this guy I've been seeing and he decided that he was in love with me the first time we talked on the phone. He was calling himself my boyfriend and telling me he missed me and loved me on our first date. Now he calls and texts all day, he leaves me voice mails crying when I don't answer my phone. He sends me texts accusing me of ignoring him if I don't answer right away. He's driving me crazy I don't know what to do. How do you break up with someone who is constantly accusing you of being the problem in the relationship??? I've only known him a month and he's talking about our wedding having nightmares of losing me waking up screaming. Does this sound unusual to anyone else or am I just relationship challenged?
This guy sounds like he needs help. He is clearly the problem here, not you. He is obsessive and has control issues, and in no position at all to be in a healthy or even somewhat normal relationship. As others have mentioned before, you need to cut off all ties with him, no questions asked. Be straightforward with him and let him know exactly how you feel. His behavior is not normal-he has zero respect for you, he is just troubled and has major emotional issues that only a shrink can address. Make it completely clear that you want to cut all ties--you should not have any contact with him. I would even suggest blocking him from calling you (contact your service provider), in the likely event that he continues contacting you after you break up with him...I am almost certain he will still try to. Someone as unstable as him will not let go easily. Take care of yourself, and if he tries to pull some crazy sh*t, like stalking you, you can get a restraining order against him.

Q: I am a 21 year old female. I am 5 months pregnant. I was dating my boyfriend only 4 months when I got pregnant, and it was a month after he invited me to live in his apartment. He kicked me out at 3 months pregnant. I was sleeping on the street in February. I had to sleep in parking garages and eventually my dad sent me some money because he feels bad for me, so I now rent a room in an aquaintence's apartment. My family lives 3,000 miles away in New York, my ex boyfriend lives in Tijuana and is a Mexican National. I am in San Diego and I am an American citizen. He is not going to marry me, he won't tell me he loves me anymore, and we only talk online. He always says he's too busy to see me, yet once a week or so, he invites me over to his apartment when he wants to have sex. I say no most of the time because I can't believe he would have the audacity. Plus it bothers me that other girls have been sleeping in his bed with him since he kicked me out. He told me his mom is going through menopause and she is having a sort of post mid life crisis and wants to adopt the baby. She only speaks Spanish, in fact my ex's whole family only speaks Spanish, with the exception of his dad and himself. To make matters even more bizarre, my ex boyfriend is moving back with his parents. He is 26 years old and he is an engineer. So basically, I am carrying this baby, and his mom wants to take it from me, her reasoning being that it should not grow up in a single parent household. (me.) I am weirded out by the fact that he will be living in the house with the baby and his parents and his 21 year old sister and 17 year old brother, and my ragdoll/siamese kitten is also there. That's right, they already adopted my cat, and they are breeding her, but she is too young. They want to make money. They seriously are sick people for taking advantage of my misfortune. (since I was homeless, I could not take my cat, so I left it with my ex boyfriend who gave it to his family as a gift.) It's a cramped 2 bedroom apartment they live in. I have only been invited there 2 times. My ex even told me they talk about how excited they are to have a baby in the house and how they hope it will have my traits (blue eyes, light brown hair) and not their mexican dark traits. But they are not welcoming me at all into their family, because my ex has no interest in marrying me. I told my ex I am having the baby in the United States and there is no way he will be able to get it to Mexico, because I seriously think they are going to file some sort of petition against me as an unfit parent so they can adopt the baby. So now my ex is working on getting a temporary visa to cross into the united states for 4 years. I think he wants to take the baby, but he told me the reason he wants to get the visa is because he is planning a trip to Norway and he wants to fly from the United States. (wtf?) On top of this weird situation going on south of the border, here in the United States I cannot find a job A.)Because I am being ''discriminated'' on the interviews I went to because my pregnancy is showing. B.) because I am a college dropout, and C.) because I have zero job experience. Yup, I have never had a job. I don't know what to do, my dad wont be around forever to support me and I have no way of supporting myself. I know there's welfare but that is a crutch, not a way to live. Apparently my ex is planning on leaving the continent or taking the baby out of the united states to mexico, so...I can't get child support. I am so scared and alone it's ridiculous.
Wow, I am so sorry you are going through this. First off, your ex and his family sound selfish to me. You do not want your child to grow up around them in that kind of environment. It sounds like your ex is avoiding the responsibility of supporting this child. His mother might actually be concerned for the child's well being, and for the right reasons. However, she has no legal right to actually adopt the baby without your consent. You would not want the baby to live in a cramped two bedroom apartment anyway, with a family that is not even your own.
I suggest talking to your family and moving to New York. Sure, you should not depend on your dad for too long, but at this point, you are in a desperate situation and need all the emotional and financial support you can get. You really should be with your family, even if it is difficult to make the move. Ultimately, you are the mother and have final say...your ex and his family mean nothing. Trust me, reach out to your dad and family, and move back to New York ASAP. Your ex and his family have no reason for being in your baby's life. Once you are in a position to find work, you can do that..maybe even go back to school. Do what is best for yourself and your baby. Feel free to message me with any other questions or concerns.

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ciao77
I am here to give honest advice, when I feel I have something to contribute. I try to be as empathetic and understanding as I can, as I know that the way something is said is as important as the message itself.

I usually advise on love/relationships, friendship and family issues, nutrition, and health (mental and physical). If I feel I can help out, there's not a whole lot I am unwilling to answer. Ask away!

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