about

I'm Shelagh.
I found this site when I decided it's time to stop sitting around watching people struggling and actually do something about it.
I'm a full time musician at the minute.
Occassionally I work at a recording studio.
I do wish to chase a career in music, but at the same time I understand the lack of security in that and so in a way Im still trying to figure out where Im going in life.
Although it makes life a lot more interesting if you dont know where you're going I guess.
Im new here, but Im eager to help, so do feel free to drop me a line, regardless of who you are.
Im here to listen and offer advice if it's requested. So feel free to chat away like.
Check out my myspace to find out more about me if you want: www.myspace.com/shelaghmonaghan
I write tons of essays and rants on there about life and such.

advice

does anyone know any good shampoos/conditioners that will make your hair like extremely soft and silky? my hair is soft when i put it in a ponytail but when i wear it down its not as soft. help with anything. thanks.

Pantene Pro-V I noticed works wonders for natural hair.

Try Tresemme if it's dyed.

Everyone's hair is different though lol.

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my uncle did something that i thought i could never forgive him for and well i said i hated him and a while back he tried to say hello and i ignored him, now i just found out he has possible bone cancer and well i feel so bad, like i dont want to hate him but i cant forget what he's done. i feel like the worst person in the world because he's still the man i grew up with inside and i still kinda love him but i dunno, all i know is i dont want him to die. am i a terrible person

Greetings.
I dont think you're a terrible person.
Everyone has emotions, everyone can't help but feel certain ways.
I recommend making ammends with your uncle before it's too late. Or you will regret it later in life.
Forgiveness is hard, but it will make you feel better knowing that you have chose to forgive someone who has wronged you. In forgiving him, your "hate" for him will fade and you will be able to accept what he has done and move on.
Start by talking to him, asking him why.

You say you don't want him to die, this shows you have compassion for even someone who has wronged you, you are well capable of forgiveness it would seem.

The longer you leave it, the worse you will feel, don't think about talking to him, just go talk to him, get it all out in the open and work from there.
Chances are he feels guilty for what he did, he is only human after all.

Just remember no one is perfect, we all have our sides which make us angry and hate, but we have to confront them and deal with them to overcome them.

Hope Ive been of some help, feel free to ask for further advice.
Shelagh

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Okay,
I absolutley LOVE LOVE LOVE singing, and acting, but my play is this friday and i have the lead role, everyone always talks about that when they perform, they feel really good. How do i get over my fear!! I already had an embarrassment on stage once, i cant do it again. How do i distract myself from the sudience. Tips would be helpful ASAP

JANE

Greetings.
I used to have stage fright, not so much anymore.
I learnt that it helps to psyche yourself up for it before hand, like listen to music that gets you wanting to jump up and down and run around and go nuts, music that makes you energetic and makes you want to make people feel the same way.
Just remember that the audience isn't looking to pick faults or criticise your performance, they are there to be entertained, don't worry about making mistakes, most people in the audience don't even notice I have found over the many years of getting up and playing in front of audiences.
Everyone makes mistakes, everyone understands this, and anyone that doesn't isn't worth trying to impress or satisfy. If anyone ever came up to and said "that was terrible" I suggest asking them to show you how they'd go about it, most people will back off, and in the rare occassions they can "do it better" at least you'll learn by example or something, be gracious about it and even ask for tips, if they're just trying to get on your nerves it will annoy the hell out of them that they can't.

Another technique for distracting from the audience is to pick a spot on the far wall and focus on it and sing. Or pretend you're in your bedroom singing alone.

But in the long run, I think it's best to just get comfortable interacting with the crowd. They're looking to be entertained and it makes them enjoy it more if you're making eye contact, smiling and singing/playing to them! They forget to analyse whether you're doing good or not, they're too busy thinking about the fact you're singing to them with emotion and entertaining them.
Normally the best singers are people who are confident about their singing, you can hear it come through in their voice and it makes them sound stronger and makes them more noticable.
Don't think about whether the people think you're singing good or not, concentrate on hitting a note in their hearts, anyone that listens to music is looking to be moved emotionally by it somehow, so you have to put all your energy into making them feel something, not whether you're in tune or not.
Music/singing is pointless without emotion behind it.

Just presume the audience is loving it, if it seems they aren't, try to win them over with your singing.

Hell I make mistakes on stage all the time, but no one really notices as long as you're entertaining them. Anytime I make a mistake instead of pretending I didn't, I pull a comical "oops!" face or laugh at myself or fellow musicans, they seem to think it's funny, it takes the pressure off performing perfect (the whole point is to have fun, not hit every note perfect..or well, in rock it is anyways), people like to laugh, so it's a nice break from a half an hour of seriousness.
I dont care if they're laughing at me, as long as they're enjoying their night.

I think being able to make mistakes, take them in your stride and recover from them shows that you are a strong performer.
I think people respect you more if they know you're not perfect and don't let your mistakes get to you.
Just accept that they happen, and don't worry that they will.
It means they're less likely to happen then.

Oh and try drinking green tea a while before performing, it calms the nerves and makes you really motivated and focused.
Just breath in and out, take deep breaths and remain calm, make sure your heart keeps at a steady beat.
Being relaxed does wonders.

Hope I've been of some help.
Shelagh

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Okay, so after my past relationship. I'm really not expecting anything good or long lasting right now.

So I liked this girl. (I'm a girl too)
She's nice, we have things in common and she's easy to talk to about things. Whenever I'm AROUND her.. I know i like her and I want to kiss her.

But whenever she's not here (we don't go to the same school yet) I feel unattached. Is that bad? I wouldn't cheat, I just have little crushes.

I'm starting to like this guy. (Don't say, you think I'm not bi anymore) He gives me butterflies and he's also nice too.
I'm not sure what to do though.

I have feelings for my girlfriend but then I don't.

We haven't been going out for long. Maybe like a week and I don't think I want to break up with her. I don't want to hurt her. I want her to HURT me. :[ Doesn't that sound weird?

I doubt anything could happen with this guy.. I'm not sure what to do with my girlfriend though.

Greetings.
I think all you can really do is sit down and think and try to figure out who you want to be with, if anyone.

About your girlfriend hurting you, you might just be feeling guilty for liking someone else and wanting her to hurt you so you can break up with her for a reason, to make it easier on yourself.
I don't think you should ever stay with someone out of obligation or guilt. If your heart isn't in it, then there's no point.
Basically follow your heart, if you do end up breaking up with this girl, tell her the truth, explain to her why, that it isn't her, it's just that you didn't think it was fair to be with her when you're thinking of someone else.

However, I think it's pretty much normal to feel unattached when someone isn't there. You might just be an unobsessive person, you care for her but you're not completely infatuated.

I say give it more time, you will become more aware with what you really want.
You could ask your girlfriend for a break for a while and explain that you just need to sort somethings out before you two end up getting any deeper into things.
I'd suggest NOT getting it together with this guy during this break otherwise things might just get more complicated.
Just take sometime and try to figure things out.
Then make your choice when you're sure.
You'll either realise how much you like being with this girl or that you're not that fused.

And I dont think it's a case of "am I gay or straight?", because I personally believe you like who you like and it doesnt matter what labels the people fall under (age, race, sex, etc.)

Hope I've been of some help.
Any questions, just ask.
Good luck!
Shelagh

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okay my best has to do everything i do, and lately its getting on my last nerve.

first, i got my hair cut & she got hers the same way.
second, i got the ipod nano, shes getting one.
third, i wanted the chocalate phone, now she wants one.
forth, i changed my mind about the chocolate phone got the razr, now she wants the razr & the same color.
fifth, i just started shopping at hollister now she has to shop there.
sixth, im getting a perm & now shes getting a perm

ahh i cant take it anymore, help anyone?

Greetings.

I'd take it as a compliment firstly.
Your friend seems to think so well of you that she wants to be like you.
Which can't be an entirely bad thing.
Obviously she's not comfortable with being herself, or doesnt know who she is yet so she feels better mimicing things that are approved by you because you are doing them.
Try helping to discover what she likes and what she wants to be.
For example, just go to her "I think today you deserve a makeover for being a good friend".
Give her a makeover with a few other friends, make her look amazing and like herself.
Now tell her how class she looks and that it really suits her and basically reassure her that it's ok to be different and experiment with her image.

If she's a good friend, dont get too annoyed with her, she's only trying to make you like her.
She's just young and insecure.
Encourage her to be herself.

Hope I've been of some help!
Contact me for further advice if you want it.
-Shelagh

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im 16/f. my boyfriend is 18/f. they are taking his best friend out to the strip club for his 18th birthday. should i or should i not care? because i don't know how i feel about it right now.

Greetings.
I honestly dont think you have to worry.
I think it might be a bit of a misconception that because someone enjoys a night being entertained by a stripper that they are likely to cheat on you or whatnot.
I have found that strip bars offer a distance that relationship dont allow.
Basically it's a way to relax for some people; you go to the strip club, you, the stripper and everyone KNOW why you're there, it's to watch attractive women dance, it gives a clarity, which is good; it also means you can indulge in a fantasy that you might not be able to with your partner (normally because you respect them too much to ask them to wear a pvc uniform and dance for you and appear to "degrade" yourself. I personally dont see stripping as degrading, but most people have it reinforced by the media or religion, that it is "wrong").
I personally think letting your significant other go and indulge in this spectacle is better, as they can go drool over another person and not feel guilty about it.

Be safe in the knowledge that they are choosing to come home to you after all, which must mean they feel strongly about you.
Anyone can be a sex object to them, but you are the one that they see in a more meaningful light.

And I keep saying it again and again, talk to your partners, a good communication avoids these bad feelings and complications, it brings you closer together.

Hope I've been of some help!
-Shelagh

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my parents are soooooo sheltered all my friends are out every night partying (not drinking or anything bad just having some fun) but my parents all they want me to do is spend time with the family. its not that they dont trust me but they "miss me" when im out with my friends. im sorry they dont like when im gone but its ruining my social life. they dont let me go ANYWHERE!!!!!!! ill ask to go to the mall and they so now we are going out for a family meal or we are going to visit grandma. being with your family is good but i NEVER have a girls night out. im down to like no friends because everytime they ask me to hang out my parents wont let me because they cant share me. my friends dont spend anytime at home they are always out doing stuff and its the complete opposite. i havent had a friend over in years and i think ive had 2 sleepovers that werent family in my whole life. its just retarted. they arnt overprotective they just thing its too much work to drive me around and they will miss me if im gone. they are wasting my teenage years i wanna hang out with my friends but my parents always say now and theres no argueing with them. im spilling my heart out right now because im crying because my friend asked me to go golfing tonight but my parents complained they were tired and now they wont take me. my social life is ruined because of them. i have no fun. 30 years from now ill think about my teenage years and have no memories exept being with my family 24/7 and spending friday and saturday nights with my grandparents. my friends are out every night without me having a blast and nobody has any inside jokes or memories with me because i never hang out with them since my parents dont want to share me with anyone else. family is important but i see too much of them and never leave this house i wanna effing punch one of them. i swear if they say no to me one more time i will burst. ive hung out with my friends like maybe four times in 14 years. my whole life. i just dont get it. i want my parents to let me be out with my friends everynight and im sick of my family wasting and controlling my teenage years. how can i let them know that its time to loosen up and let me have some fun?

It does depend on your age. I wont lie.
When I was 16 for example my parents wouldnt even let me out past half 10 at night.
I hated them for it lol.
But now that I'm older I do understand their logic.
It's because they cared. And still do. They still ring to find out where I am if Im out late and I'm 19!
Also it maybe that your friends are having innocent fun, but your parents may think otherwise. There are so many programs on tv today and magazine articles focusing on how today's youth are doing nothing but taking drugs and drinking and going nuts. It gives the idea off that ALL teenagers are doing this.

The solution to your problem is called compromise.
You need to learn to communicate successfully with your parents. You need to talk to them, not argue with them, actually TALK. And they need to listen to you as much as you listen to them.
You seem to understand the importance of spending time with your family, which is good because in reality you need your family, they are your support system through all the friendships and relationships that breakdown over the years.
Sit down with your parents, without any distractions (such as tv) and talk to them about it. No one raises voices, remain calm, talk in a constructive way and explain to them how you feel and that you would like to have a social life because you need friends, that everyone needs friends or they just get lonely. That you appreciate your family greatly, but you need to get out and meet new people, need to learn life's experiences by yourself and make the mistakes to learn from them.

Your friends also need to learn to understand your situation. If they dont you have to question their worth and loyalty to you. Good friends will always find a way to see you.

I recommend start by introducing your friends to your family.
Begin by inviting one of your closest friends over. Let your parents see that they are respectable individuals, let them see how you interact with your friends maturely and sensibly.
That you are more sensible than most teenager that "be out drinking and going nuts".
It's all about getting them to see you as a human being with feelings and thoughts and not as a child anymore, get them to see that you're growing up and that outside human interaction will help you develop as a person.
If your parent know you're with people that they can entrust your wellbeing with, they will feel alot less anxcious and relax a bit.
Ask them what their idea of curfews are?
DONT say to them things like "well so and so's curfew is 3am!".
Adhere to their rules and compromise with them, for the first few months. Gradually they will relax more and give you more freedom when they see nothing bad is going to happen to you.


Often parents keep their teenagers from social lifes for fear they will get into trouble. It is often concern, but they dont tell the teenagers that and it is perceived as them keeping you locked up.

If you sit them down and explain to them calmly and actually tell them how you FEEL, then they will see that you are suffering because of the way they are behaving and that they need to change their approach to better the situation for all.
It will improve your relationship with your parents, because at the minute it does sound like it is strained and there are ill feelings toward them.

Talk. Tell them you accept and understand what they are saying and understand that they have responsibilities that make them too tired to drive, but that you would like to go out and would greatly appreciate it if they would come to an arrangement with you that satisfies both sides.
No human being can argue with someone that is talking sensibly and being polite to them and asking.
I hope I have been of some help!
Any questions or just need to chat, feel free to contact me.
Good luck!

-Shelagh

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I used to be a very self conscious in the past and I've managed to overcome it after that; but now I'm back to that same old self conscious person again!! Argh! I hate it, but i can't stop it. I'm confident of my looks; but the reason why I'm so self conscious is because I kinda want people to be thinking that I look pretty whnever I catch them looking at me OR when they're talking to me. That's why, whenver I'm with people, I will like try to look out of the corner of my eye and see if they're looking at me, and I will like keep adjusting my hair.

And you know when you are self conscious, you will just have that kind of "act pretty" look on your face which is like really disgusting if you see it from a third person's point of view. I hope ya know what I mean? So my point is, how do you not be so self conscious? Don't tell me to just ignore what people think of me because I really cant do that. And its difficult not just for me but for everyone else because everyone likes to have people thinking that they're pretty or good looking in their mind.

The thing is, I've tried to advice myself on this matter but I can't seem to heed my own advice!! So I'd really appreciate sincere words of advice.

Greetings.
Ok for a start, I understand your point of view, everyone is self concious to a certain degree. EVERYONE. Regardless of whether they say "I dont care what people think of me"..that my friend is a lie! Everyone cares even just by a little bit.
It's in human nature to.
I think alot of self concious issues are caused by everyone been shown these images in the media of "beautiful women" and taught that that is what beauty is.

I suggest watching this video from Dove Evolution:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uT4dpFpiTgk

Our perception of beauty these days has been so warped. I have an on going discussion with my friends on trying to find out what real beauty is.
We've come to the conclusion it doesnt have a lot to do with physical appearance.
And what was originally considered physically attractive hundreds of years ago (big hips, long hair, good at child bearing..look at old paintings of women in the 1700's and such, these women arent anything like what beautiful is portrayed as today) is nothing like today's perception.

I dont think the problem is being self concious, because you will never not be completely, even if you try, the problem is more with yourself I think.
Focusing on your physically beauty is probably because you might feel that it's your only good quality?
That you dont have much else to offer other than physical beauty?
It's about being comfortable with yourself. People's interest should not be used to measure your worth. Take into account that most people's perception of beauty is warped due to modern day media putting emphasis that you MUST be with "beautiful looking people".
Anyone of real worth to you will be attracted to you for your overall beauty, not just physical appearance.
Take relationships for example, looks do not make relationships last, talking and common interests and concern for one another keep relationship going. When you're old and grey and married, looks will mean absoutely nothing.

My advice is not to ignore what people think of you, just be aware of the fact that what they think you look like doesnt matter in the end, because you will not gain anything truly of great importance through physical appearance.
Looks may draw most people in, but its substance and personality that make them stay.
And personally I think anyone of worth knows that physical beauty is sooo unimportant really in the end.
Care what people think, but just dont worry too much about their opinions on your looks, because if you want people that will give you care and love then they will see past your looks.

Learn to be comfortable with yourself completely, looks and personality wise. Once you are comfortable with yourself you will become confident and not have to worry about what people think. You will KNOW they think well of you, because you are a great person.

It's more a issue of self esteem than self conciousness.

If you need more advice or to talk then feel free to contact me.
Hope I've helped!

- Shelagh

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I've liked this kid for a few months now, and we've become close friends. We talk all the time, and hes in half of my classes. But, because we've become so close, i can't tell if he likes me as a friend, or if he wants to be...more. In class, he talks to my friend and I, but he seems to pay attention to me more than her. When I started dating this kid 5 year older than me, and he got mad at me, and wouldn't talk to me for weeks, even after I had broken up with my boyfriend!

Do you think he likes me, or is he just watching my back?

Greetings.
I think the only way to find out is to ask him.
If this boy does like you, and you did later on decide to get together, then I think that you should begin with a clear communication.
Often the break down of relationships is caused by the lack of communication, so to start off on a good footing where you are both open and honest with each other would be a good idea. It would in helping avoiding problems later on in the relationship.
I personally was in this situation up until a few days ago, when I confronted the person and was turned down, but I accepted that it was simply that they dont feel the same way and just want to be really good friends.
If you like the person, it can be a strain on your friendship, as I have found in the past, because this asking whether you like me or not will come up every once in a while, which is why this time around I am accepting the fact it wont happen with said person and just accepting it and moving on.
I love them more than anything, but you do have to accept the things you can't change and just move on.
It sounds like you do care about this boy, as you say you're close, but you do have to ask yourself is that what you want?

If you dont want to ask your friend if he likes you directly, how about approaching one of his friends or a mutual friend and ask them, they may know.
He may like you and that's why he stopped talking to you, or he may just have been watching your back.
Either way, it seems he cares about you.
So if you were to ask him and explain that it's only because you want to know so your friendship doesnt end up in trouble.
Just talk to him.
He may not even realise he like you.
Or maybe he thought you felt the same and that's why he got mad.
Whatever the reason is, you owe it to both of you to find out what is going on and clarifying the situation. It'll make things easier.
Feel free to contact me and ask anymore advice if you need it.
Hope Ive been of some help!

- Shelagh

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