|
In a relationship, bi-curious? So scared
22/F So I've been in a relationship with my BF for 3 years now, and I love him very much. He's the only relationship I've ever had, and even now after living together we're both still virgins. We both agree we're not ready to bare the responsibilities that sex imposes. Of course it's hard but by now we're both used to it.
The issue that I find myself facing is... I never thought that me finding women attractive would be a problem. I could never picture a relationship with a woman, however I find them very attractive. And how can you not, women are beautiful creatures! But... what I now struggle with is I find that I no longer find my boyfriend attractive. It's like I don't want sex anymore. I've never had it and it feels like I never will, but lately I don't care. Doing it myself is good enough.
Last night I felt extremely guilty after I was done watching lesbian porn... I pictured my boyfriend doing what they were doing and I almost got turned off. But a woman doing it didn't sound good either. I cried after! I don't want a relationship with a woman, I'm romantically attracted to my boyfriend, however lately it's been women I've been fantasizing about. I have no idea what to do. We both agreed having sex after marriage would be best, but we want to get our lives together before we get hitched.
Am I asexual? Bisexual? I'm so confused and scared. Can anyone relate, or give any advice? Am I freaking out over nothing? I would talk to my boyfriend but I don't want to hurt him before I even know what's going on myself. Any input would be much appreciated <3
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I think its normal. I myself at 24 have watched lesbian porn because girls are hot i agree. I think its human nature. One of my best friends recently has been straight her whole life and then all of a sudden got an idea to change her dating app (bumble) to search for men and woman. I myself would never even think of this because im not interested in girls whats so ever. She just wanted to experience and thats totally fine. Now its only been a few months but she is romantically in a relationship with this woman and is all about sexual things with her. Its mind blowing...but i also noticed all the guys she mostly did date came off as gay and not out of the closet to me. It could be a phase your going through and i think its normal. Do you find yourself checking woman out in public? Have you kissed a girl? Have you been drunk and made out with girls? I'm guilty at this but ive only pecked. I dont know if im helping or not but don't let it stress you out...xox
]
What you're experiencing is very normal. Human sexuality falls along a continuum between strictly straight and strictly gay. While some people do identify as bisexual (I have two friends, male and female, who are bisexual and have had relationships with men and women), some consider themselves straight in terms of sexual orientation but bi-curious, in the sense that they may fantasize about having sex or sexual activity with someone of the same sex, but may or may not have acted upon it..or are sometimes attracted to people of the same sex, but would not actually be turned on to the point where they would be interested in pursuing anything.
I myself identify as a straight woman. I've only had relationships with other men, and have slept with men. I sometimes do get intrigued by women I find to be beautiful, and I have also watched lesbian porn before (and enjoyed it), but I wouldn't be interested in having sex with another woman. I think seeing another women have oral sex performed on her can turn us on because we imagine how that must feel-- if it were a man doing the same thing to the woman, I'd also be turned on, but typically it's in lesbian (and not straight) porn that the women's needs are front and center.
No body can tell you for sure what or who you are. You could be straight, bisexual, or bicurious...you're definitely not asexual. My guess is you're probably straight, since you don't seem to want to establish a relationship with another woman and aren't turned on by the idea of actually having sex with another woman-- but are having very normal attraction to women you find to be beautiful. I've felt the butterflies around other beautiful women before, but I am not turned on by the idea of taking anything further with them sexually. So, there's nothing wrong with what you're feeling. The 20's are years where you're figuring yourself out and exploring your sexuality...heck, anytime in life is the right time, so it's good that you're being honest with your feelings at a young age. My advice is to talk to your boyfriend about how you're feeling and to determine a way to approach this that will be good for both of you. You need to honor your own feelings around it, because bottling things up is never a good idea. A good way to approach it is to let your boyfriend know you still love him, but have been finding yourself attracted to other women not to the point where you'd have a relationship with them, but you find yourself not wanting sex as much. You will need to have a heart to heart with him so that you can communicate your needs and progress in the relationship from a healthier place. No matter what happens, I hope that you and your boyfriend find some acceptance and a way to move forward in a positive direction.
]
For a normal healthy adult to not be having rewarding sex is a problem. You are doing some things but its not enough to be satisfying so when theres a lack to sexual desires being taken care of, there can be troubles.
I know that a lot of people repress the idea of exploring their sexuality so that if its anything other than that has for so long been called the norm of a man with a woman, that they live and fit the mold. At 22 you wouldnt be the first to question if you were bi. I've known a group of 4o and 50 something women at a party all go into a back room where all the women were gonna have bi sex while theire boyfriends and husbands occupied themselves elsewise at a party. Had no idea it was part of the plan but since I wasn't even bi curiosity, I was not one of the women crowding into that room to either watch or participate.
Even in hetero sex, there can be things that a person doesn't like and wouldn't ever do. This is more common than you would think. So if you had something you find gross if the boyfriend does but also gross with a female, then that particular part of sex you may never like. Not liking something like this is simply a personal preference and not a determining factor in whether one is bi or not.
The fact that you are having strong feelings of confusion and fear means you are not even ready to explore this, even if you want. The fear you feel will most likely ruin any situation you try to set up.
Until you get to a place of feeling that doing it yourself will always be good enough, I can't promise anything will change.ALSO, feeling guilt is not going to help and can cause you to experience other related issues.
You say the issue was finding women attractive but not a relationship or sex with one. Well, thats normal hon, cause I know Im like that and so are my sisters that I know of. We can see a woman and find her to be very beautiful. Its like drinking in your fill of a beautiful scenic vista. It is beauty of a non sexual nature that catches our eyes. I don't feel horny every time I see the sight of pretty waterfalls for example. Heck, even in men, not every one will be found by me to look attractive or sexually attractive to me.
I do have will power though to choose to not interreact sexually with anyone beyond my mate.
So being married and other people still being able to catch ones eyes is also normal. It means you're not dead yet, you have eyes in your head and you're a normal healthy sexual creature so finding others attractive is going to be all part of this.
If in the future you find that you truly change and are bi, do not worry, many men have no problem of jealousy with their girl with another girl. Its with men they have more jealousy problem. I also attended a club where husbands brought their wives who were bi. The only male they liked was their own but they liked several girls. The men would sit in listen to a band play while the wives would go play. So I know its very possible for many husbands to not have a problem with it. You don't have to know this about yourself before marriage as this isn't true of yourself yet. It may never be. We all change and grow in character as we go along and who we were when we married is not who we are a decade or two later.
I would suggest to just focus only on your sex life. It is one of two major foundations to a healthy relationship, and the other is being each others best friend. So it is important. If you both are trying to avoid intercourse for now and just do everything else, there is plenty to keep you both happy. I would start looking up on line videos on how tos, especially for orgasms in women. Women traditionally have gone lifetimes never having orgasms. and Guys know how special orgasms make sex. Without them, its nice but not satisfying and in time it can become too routine, maybe some of the things you fear when looking at the future. I never had orgasms with my first husband of 30 yrs. Thats 30 yrs of no orgasms from hubby, just my own masturbating. So I know the difference. I would have another discussion about what all is okay right now for sex and what to wait for. Cus I am betting that your guy can give you all 3 kinds of orgasms without entering with penis. Theres the clitoral stimulation but theres also the G spot and there is also an A spot. I'd study together as a couple and then you have something exciting to look forward to, seeing if you can find this new technique satisfying. What works for you and he doesnt have to be the same as what works for otheres.
If I can be of more help, let me know.
]
More Questions: |