AshokLifeCoach's advice column

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Q: My husband and I's one year anniversary is coming up in a few months, and so is a very close friend's wedding, her wedding date: our one year anniversary. I'm at a loss of what to do. My husband wouldn't be able to come with me to her wedding, and my friend would be extremely hurt if I didn't go. What makes the situation awkward is I knew when picking my wedding date that my friend would be getting married that same day. I had no choice however (my husband is military). I reassured and promised her since she got engaged that I would be there at her wedding. In fact, as soon as I got the wedding invite, I texted her and let her know I would be there and how excited I was. My husband always knew I'd be going, but I guess it just clicked for him I'd be missing or first anniversary. He's very upset, anniversaries are very important to him. I tried reasoning with him that we could celebrate another day, but he's not having it. What do I do? I will always pick my husband over anything, but shouldn't he be more understanding? Should I be present for the most important day of my close friend's life and hurt my husband? Or be there with my husband for our one year anniversary and risk losing my friend? (And I have very few true good friends)

Hi,

Thank you for your question to my inbox, it is my pleasure to help you with this.

Go to your friends wedding! You have made a firm promise to a friend that you will do something that is very important to her. You should keep your promises to your good friends, always. To just decide you are changing your mind now and not going really would be treating your friend badly.

Your husband is actually being quite unreasonable here - he is not being very understanding at all. I think selfish is the word actually if I am totally honest with you. I know you say anniversaries are important to him but you know really its just another day of the year! And you don't need a set specific date to celebrate your relationship and love, you can do that any day any time. Even if it is hard for him to not spend the day with you on the actual day of the anniversary, as your husband who loves you he should really recognise that it is important for you to be at your friends wedding. He might not like it, but he is not a child and he should be able to recognise that he is going to have to have some flexibility.

This is something your husband is just going to have to deal with. I understand you feel bad and guilty but he really is not behaving very well here. He might not like it but if he loves and respects you he will get over it.

I hope it all works out and I hope you have a great day at the wedding and a great anniversary celebration (just on a different day!)

Take care and good luck

Ashok

Q: I have known this boy since elementary school and we are seniors in high school now. I never really liked him in this way until this year.. I sit at the same table with him And 3 other classmates with whom we share a friendship with that's hard to explain. One of my girlfriends at the table knows how I feel towards him And she notices how we fight like a married couple. I really like him And he talks to me like I'm his wife or something. We argue all the time but I think it's just a part of our chemistry. My question is how do I know if he really likes me the way I like him or if he's just joking all the time. By the way he's only dated white And Hispanic girls in the past And I'm African American And so is he.

Hi,

Thank you for your question to my inbox - it is my pleasure to help you with this.

It made me smile when you said you argue all the time but its a part of your chemistry - I absolutely get that. Some of the people I get on with the most in the world and have the closest friendships with I argue 'like cat and dog' with!

I know it can feel daunting to be really upfront and just come out with it when you like someone - especially when that person is a friend and you worry about spoiling the friendship if they don't feel the same. However I am a firm believer in the saying 'life is for living' and I would encourage you to just go for it. Imagine if he does feel the same - you end up together as a great couple. You will never ever know unless you take the plunge. I know there is a risk but as a life coach I always tell my clients never to 'deal in hypothetical negatives' - that is to dwell on or give lots of thought to potential negatives or bad outcomes that may well never happen but could stop you going for what you want. If we never take risks because of something unpleasant that might happen we would never get any of the great things that could happen. That would be no way to live at all.

I can tell 100% by the way you phrase your question and the things that you say that you have REALLY really fallen for him - I say you go for it!

Truth is go cant be sure of the outcome or how he feels till you ask - you can guess, probably make an educated guess - but the only way to know is to ask!!

As we say here in the UK 'The best of British' - meaning - 'The Very Best of Luck'.

Take care and once again good luck!!

Ashok

Q: Im a single mom raising 2 grown kids.. my 22 yr old son is very difficult to live with..i feel you live under my roof you need to follow a few simple house rules, my house rules are very few and basic... at his age how do you "punish" he does work full time.. but we clash often because he seems to always want to do what he wants.. house rules or not..im at my wits end .. how do we make living under one roof work? i hate to give an ultimatum (to move out) because i dont want my child to feel he is not wanted.. his dad is not in the picture...any suggestions??

Hi,

You say you are 'raising' two 'grown kids' you are not raising them, they are grown adults. You are still their mom but you are not raising them - that period of their life has finished! If you are trying to 'raise' them still then you have an issue you need to resolve yourself, which is you have failed to understand your 'kids' are adults and should be treated by you as such! Your use of the word 'raise' and your question about how to 'punish' a 22 year old man concerns me and makes me question how reasonable YOU are being.

You dont say what your rules are and what he is doing you find unreasonable so I can not advise you who is actually the unreasonable one. You also dont say if he pays rent, which makes a difference too.

For myself and other columnist to give proper advice, could you please give some more info? Does he pay rent? What are your house rules? What is he doing you dont like?

Ultimately it is your house and you can tell him to move out if you dont like what he is doing and ultimately as a grown man he can choose to move out if he doesnt like living with you.

Ashok

Q: I daydream a lot and I did a little research and I am not sure if it is a maladaptive daydreaming. I think it becoming a problem because I don't like pain. However, when I have a painful experience I create a scenario in my head. The scenario is even more painful but I am in control of what happens. During these daydream I get emotional because they are very painful experience but it worse than the pain I am going through. It my way to escape and process my emotion. I can cry without dealing with my actually emotionally pain.

Hello and thank you for your question to my inbox, it is my pleasure to help you with this.

I am a Hypnotherapist, Nero Linguistic Programing Practitioner and Transformational Life Coach. I have also studied / trained in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I am not sure if perhaps you knew this hence why sent your question in my direction or not - in any event, it is my pleasure to help.

It is difficult to give a very specific answer to your question because this is obviously a very complex issue that you describe but I only have a very basic outline of it from you. Its the sort of thing I would need to be able to discuss with someone face to face so as to really understand it. You seem to be suggesting you create a scenario in your mind as a form of escapism from difficult or painful events or feelings, and whilst that make believe scenario is something worse than the reality - you feel in control of it and therefore its easier to deal with than the reality.

The first thing to understand is that we are very driven by our subconscious mind and unless you have learned how to understand an effect the unconscious mind then it can end up taking you in a direction which you do not want to go!! But its important to understand this: All behaviour has a positive intent. Your unconscious mind only ever tries to keep you safe and well. Giving you a form of escapism in which you have greater control and allows you to hide from difficult real life events sounds exactly like the work of your subconscious trying to help you out but not actually getting it right for you!!

Have you ever heard of Nero Linguistic Programing (NLP)? If not it probably sounds strange and complicated but its not. The greatest gift NLP can give you is how to understand and effect your subconscious mind - how to take ownership of the subconscious mind and bring it under your command.

A good place to start learning about NLP is here

http://www.tobyandkatemccartney.com/

kate and Toby are master NLP practitioners and trainers - they have produced a really good app which is free and is a great way of learning the basics of NLP and applying them to your own life. You can read more about Kate and Toby and their app on the website. There is actually an amazingly huge amount of NLP resources and information online.

Joseph Clough is a Hypnotherapist and Transformational Life Coach and he is amazing. He has produced many free self hypnosis tracks and free coaching videos and audio tracks. They are available online and via his free apps. He also has a fantastic book 'Be Your Potential' available in print and as an ebook and audiobook. Check Joseph and his work out

http://josephclough.com/

I have tried to point you in the direction of some things that may help you. However I do go back to my earlier point - this is something that needs more detailed discussion. I would therefore encourage you seek out a professional you can go to to discuss the issues you are experiencing in more detail.

I want to finish by telling you a truth which is maybe not a truth you feel right now. That truth is that whatever you think you are you are more than that - even more beautiful inside and out and even more amazing than you ever thought. You are an intelligent complex amazing being with boundless possibility and potential within you.

Good luck and take care

Ashok

Q: I keep hearing from so many people that something should be done about the way prisoners are treated. That they get raped, beat up, treated badly by guard, self harm etc. My question is who cares? These people committed crimes. If they didn't want to go to prison. they shouldn't have committed crimes in the first place. Prison should be a bad place, so they don't want to go back. I don't know why so many people try to make us feel bad for them. I bet if one fo those criminals committed a crime against their family they would feel different

Hi,

There is a saying that you can tell a lot about a society by the way it treats its prisoners. Personally I don't want to live in the sort of society that turns a blind eye to the sort of things you describe and allows then to happen to anyone.

When a person is imprisoned the state, having taken away their liberty has a duty of care towards them. It has an obligation to do the most it can to keep them safe whilst in prison and to look after their physical and mental health. Most people are indeed in prison because they themselves have acted badly (I say most because it does sadly sometimes happen that innocent people are wrongly imprisoned). However if the system in place to deal with people who have done bad things doesn't behave any better itself it becomes in no position to administer justice. If someone is in prison for beating someone up for example - to say 'ok well we will be quite happy for you to be beaten up, raped and so on' means the system in place to deal with their wrongdoing is no better itself. The system in place to deal with wrong doing has got to behave morally and ethically itself.

You say people would feel differently if it was a person who can committed a crime against their relative. Well some would yes. That's understandable human nature. However what about the relatives of the people who have committed the crimes - do you think its ok for someone's mom to know their son in prison is being beaten and raped? Another point id make is that while some people are in prison for sick and dreadful crimes, others (many more) have done far far less serious things - and with these people its worth remembering that people are far more than their behaviour or actions on one specific occasion, that all human beings make mistakes and that forgiveness and understanding are not weaknesses but strengths.

I will just say one more thing. I am guessing you are in the USA as most people on this site are. I live in the UK. The USA has more of its citizens in prison than any other country in the world. The USA gives out some of the longest sentences anywhere in the world. Are you achieving anything with that? Do you have one of the lowest crime rates in the world - no! So as an American citizen id urge you to look at this again. In the UK out criminal justice system is much more moderate. For all but the most serious offences we focus on rehabilitation and trying to help people rather than punishment. We certainly believe people who have been imprisoned by the state should be treated with dignity whilst they are there. I am not saying our system is perfect but I know which one id rather have.

Ashok

Q: I'm 16/f. This weekend I am going to smoke weed for the first time. I'm going to a party with my boyfriend who has smoked weed for over a year and im excited for the party. I love drinking and just having a good time. This party I'm gunna try weed though. Probably a rolled one so its like a cigarette. But I don't know the first thing about smoking. How do I smoke? My boyfriend said he would show me but I wanna have a little more intelligence on the matter. Please tell me all you know

Hi,

There isn't really any great skill or know-how needed. Just smoke it the same as you would a cigaret but with longer deeper drags. Personally every few drags i like to hold my breath for a short while after ive inhaled it before breathing it out.

Hope you enjoy yourself :)

(p.s anyone one who answers your question by giving you a moralistic got a stick up their ass lecture - just ignore them)

Ashok

Q: Hey , um i really fell in love with this girl , and we really wanna get married and have our own life.But there is one problem though , i discovered that she is a atheist :( , and according to my religion ,Islam , Guys cannot marry non Muslims unless they convert , or at least the kids would be Muslims.Islam is not strict or anything but its just a major law that must be followed.i don't know I'm thinking about giving up my religion for her but i would be in deeeeep shit , ill lose my relationship with my mother , sister and friends:(. I tried to make her convert but she just doesnt believe in the existence of god , should i try harder or what.what can i do , i really love her.should i give up my religion ?:(

"I tried to make her convert".. you attempted to coerce someone you supposedly love into a belief system that she rejects because it would suite you and your controlling family. That is disgusting and disgraceful, pure and simple. Before you argue your family are not controlling by the way - if they won't accept you being with and marrying someone you love with out this person conforming to their religion then they are controlling. Very much so.

"Islam is not strict or anything".. no not at all, you just have to stick like glue to its every rule and regulation and anyone in your life (partner, children etc.) must be indoctrinated and certainly never allowed to think for themselves.

If you love her you will stop this nonsense of trying to pressure her into following yours and your families religion. How on earth do you think an Atheist could just suddenly start believing in this utter nonsense anyway??!

My advice is get a grip and grow a pair of balls. Choose the woman you love and get over this religious nonsense.

Ashok

Q: So me and my ex still like each other but he says he doesn't want to go back out but then he also said we might be going back out next year and I'm so confused on whether I should continue to like him I should just move on to someone else because I feel he thinks im just there like a toy but I'm not and I don't want to say anything because he takes things that include love or anything like that VERY SERIOUS so please tell me what should I do?????!

I completely agree with you that he is treating you like you are his toy - there to play with when he wants. Saying he doesn't want to go back out now but 'you might go back out next year' suggests this us his attitude very strongly. You should have far more self respect than to hang around for him to decided it's back on again. Take the power back for yourself and make the decision to move on.

In any event - I rarely advise going back to a relationship that didn't work the first time around. In my experience didn't work once normally means won't work twice.

Take care

Ashok

Q: hey, am an 18 years old highschool senior girl, am not confortable with the way i look, i mean i know am not ugly and many people told me am beautiful as well, but thats not the issue am worried about, i am very slim girl. and all my friends are all bigger and curvier than me, they always makes fun of me, well they don't mean it in a bad way its just a joke to them, but it makes me feel bad about my self, and the boys as well see me as some skinny girl, so they don't respect me as a girl ,and i have seen many boys after my friends but not after me ; well i searched on the internet and i found out i need to work out, build muscle,but thats not what i want.i don't want to be muscley girl, i just want to weight normal, and look normal.am just tired of being called the thin and baby face girl always,even my 14 years old cousin looks bigger than me i don't really know what to do about it p/s i need help/advice!!

Hi,

Thank you for your question to my inbox - it my pleasure to try and help you with this.

I do understand. Years ago I had some real hang ups about certain aspects of my appearance - or more accurately - my perceptions of aspects of my appearance. This is actually far far more common place than you think - it effects many more people than you would imagine. You don't realise it because people don't like to admit it or talk about it. Some of the people you look at and think 'I wish I looked like that' will have hang ups of their own - really!!

The really great news I have for you is that there actually is a solution to this.

It's not a solution that involves changing your physical appearance but of changing your thoughts about this and in turn change the way you feel. We can actually change the way we think and feel about things like this. If you think that sounds too good to be true then I'd say two things. 1. I would have thought the same at one time and 2. This isn't a magic wand solution - you don't give it a wave and suddenly get ultra confident and loads of self esteem and self worth in a few seconds. It takes work, understanding, practice and a real desire to make a genuine positive change and to give up negative and destructive thinking. This is a journey I started on that ultimately lead to me undertaking professional training in Hypnotherapy, Nuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Transformation and Life Coaching. I pursued that route because I want everyone to live a life of freedom from these negative and destructive things that can effect our happiness and fulfilment in life. What I am trying to say to you is - you can take control over these feelings and become a confident person with self worth and the knowledge that you're beautiful inside and out. It's just a journey you have to go on, not a magic wand. And it's a journey that requires determination.

Before I try and give you a helping hand starting on this journey (should you want to go on it) let me just say this: there's nothing wrong in making physical changes to your appearance if you prefer to look a certain way. It's a question of the reasons for those changes and your starting point. If your starting point is lack of confidence and a destructive dislike for how you look and your reasons are to become more confident, happier with how you look etc. Then it won't work - confidence and self acceptance comes from within not from without. If your starting point is of a person with confidence and self worth who accepts themselves and the reason is because you want to try out a new look or make a change for the fun of it or as a fashion thing that's great.

Obviously I'm really limited to how much I can write here so I'll just try and point you in the direction of things that might help you:

First of all Joseph Clough is absolutely fantastic. He is a Hypnotherapist and Transformation Life Coach. He has produced many free self hypnosis tracks and coaching audio tracks and videos which are available via his free apps and online. He also has a great book 'Be your Potential' which is available and an audio book and e book as well as in print from amazon. Check Joseph and his work out. Here is a link to his website:

http://josephclough.com/

Also try learning some of the fundamental principles and techniques of CBT And NLP. CBT is generally easier to get the hang of quickly and to start and apply to your own life. Starting to learn the basics of these and apply them to my life is what ultimately lean me onto training professionally in these areas - but I believe everyone can improve their own lives dramatically just be knowing the basics of this stuff!

I wish for you that you will go confidently in the direction of your dreams and live the life you've imagined!

Good luck and take care

Ashok

X

Q: So, I was coming back from school. As I came up the hill, I saw vividly a boy with short jet black hair and a long white robe on. He looked about 12-14 years old. And he was just walking and looking at the ground. I looked away for just a second, then looked back and he was totally out of sight. He couldn't have disappeared that quickly all of a sudden. I'm thinking this has to do with my religion Druidism since that's all about connecting with spirits and Nature. And the fact that I've heard a boy scream a few times. What do you think?

I think that you are convincing yourself that you are seeing and hearing things that don't have a perfectly normal explanation because you want it to be true so as to confirm / be an experience of your Druid beliefs.

Anything you did genuinely see or hear would have had a perfectly natural explanation I should imagine.

Ashok

Q: My bf wants to finger me? I'm ready but idk what to do while he is? And where should we? And how do I keep my vagina from smelling? Help!

It's perfectly natural to be nervous or apprehensive about doing something sexual for the first time, and to feel worried about not knowing what to do. All these things are just learned and perfected with experience - that's how we all did it normally beginning in our early teens. So just try to relax and enjoy it - there's no need to be worried - and just act and do what comes naturally.

As for the smell thing - just following a normal washing and personal hygiene routine is perfectly sufficient.

Have fun!

Ashok

Q: it's gotten so bad that they took it upon themselves to "cleans" my room taking anything they thought seemed demonic, like a spiral of glow n the dark stars on my wall because we live n a spiral galaxy which to them is apparently demonic, they took my posters down lost all of my medication and threw it out & that's not even the most annoying part. I had a headache and just wanted to be left alone and they came in my room & pinned me down trying to perform an exorcism on me! I had bruises all over they were forcing me down so hard &I was just like dude just leave me alone I have a headache and you guys are screaming and yelling and crap, they ripped off my that I've had since 2010 of my favorite rock band that my friend bought for me & on top of all that they refuse to replace my medication that THEY lost because I have a sprained sacroiliac and bad back spasms and arthritis and an ulcer and my dr. can't replace my medication (Percocet) until the 5th. At first my dr. wouldn't prescribe me anything stronger than tramadol but my pain got to the point where I couldn't even walk by myself &I had really low blood pressure & anemia plus c-dif, but I have nothing to take for it because they through it all out. I have to literally hide the things in my room they took my mardi gras masks that I got for donating food to the homeless shelter and threw them out. Am I wrong for being totally pissed off at them at this point for trying to force me to go back to Christianity? I'm not an atheist or an agnostic I'm a spiritualist and my beliefs are based in love, peace, and harmony, I'm a vegetarian, I believe in aliens and I believe in spirit guides and God but not a jealous, fearsome judgemental one trying to convince us that we're all sinners. Fear is the opposite of love so why would a source made of love demand to be feared. I've respected their beliefs and constantly have to ask them to do the same but this time they took it too damn far. I shouldn't have to hide things in my room when my family comes over because they'll take it out it's my room and I have the right to have whatever I want in it, They even ripped my blinds down (which are black because I get really bad migraines ever since I was a baby) and broke them off the wall TWICE and I had to use push pins to put them back up cause I'm really light sensitive. And now they're doing the same thing to my twin sisters stuff (who has the same beliefs as I do) and I'm just getting sick of it at this point. They even consider me being a vegetarian a sin but apparently it's okay to torture and kill animals for food. How fucked up is that. I'm 24 and female.

You have religious extremist and severely delusional parents / family members. Unfortunately the significantly brainwashed / deluded / crazy religious can not be reasoned with. They are not like normal human beings.

This is about self preservation for you now - you can't have this in your life, it will have a horrendous negative effect on your life. Unfortunately the only way forward right now is to cut the relationship with all those that are behaving in this way if they can't stop this at once and keep their utter nonsense to themselves.

If your sister is also on the receiving end of this then you and her need one another's support and that will help. But unfortunately you can't change people like this they are beyond reason and continuing to have a relationship with these people is no good for you. Without a bout both you and your sister should stop having them in your homes.

Take care
Ashok

Q: I am a 19yo female from Australia. I have been in a relationships or two years with a guy in the US. We have never met (only Skype video calls and messaging). I want to go and see him, but he fears the fact of me having to leave and come home again.He believes it will ruin things between us. I have tried everything to get his head around the whole idea, but he won't have a piece of it. What should I do? Do I just surprise show up for a month, or do I just stay away? I'm going insane not having him around. Any advice would be amazing. Thank you so much x

Hi,

This is a difficult one for a number of reasons. I wonder - have you got firm plans to some day be together properly because if not what he is basically saying is all he wants is this 'Skype relationship' to continue as it is indefinitely. If you do have these plans to untimely be / live together then that throws up another issue - planning a life with someone you have never met in real life is risky. Talking on line isn't the same as real life and online only relationships are not the same as real life relationships. I would say that you need to spend real time together to really know if it would work between you in the real world.

Either way - I completely understand your frustration that he won't agree to you going over to visit.

If he seems reluctant to have anything more that talking online then you have to ask yourself why. You have to ask yourself if you really accept his reasons. I'm afraid I don't fully buy the reason he gave, it seems odd to me. If he felt about you as he says and everything he's told you about himself is true and honest etc. Then I can't see why he wouldn't be desperate for you to go. Anyone who was in love would be desperate to see the person and the difficulty of them leaving would not deter them from wanting to meet in my honest opinion. My concern would be that there's more to this.

I think you need to think very carefully indeed. This isn't a long distance relationship where you met in real life where together a while then one moved a way, it's not a long distance relationship where you go see each other whenever you can. You have never met in real life, never touched each other, never spent even a second of time in the real physical world with one another. And now he says he doesn't want you to visit. Even if there is no dishonesty on his part then you still have to ask is this enough for you and is this something that is ultimately going to make you happy.

Maybe have a very serious chat with him and explain how you feel and that you are not sure you can go on with this as it is. Sometimes giving an ultimatum is necessary.

Good luck,

Ashok

Q: ok so it might be right to like somone but i like my ex's best friend and i also need help on if i shouldtell him ot not because i think he flirts with me and he has a girlfriend alread and she is one of my best friends.i have gotten mostly over the other one but now i like his best friend help please what should i do?!?!

For me loyalty is one of the most important things in life. Loyalty to my friends and family is one of the most important values I live by. I would never think about trying to pursue any kind of relationship with someone who was actively in a relationship with a friend. To do so shows a complete lack of loyalty to your friend.

It may well be hard if you like this boy but while he is in a relationship with your friend then he is off limits to you in my view.

Ashok

Q: Hi. I'm 18, currently at college. There's a boy named Alex in my Sociology 101 class. I decided last week to introduce myself to him. I walked up to him, introduced myself, told him he was cute and asked if he wanted to study for sociology sometime. The only reason I asked him about the studying thing was to have a reason to get his number. Sadly I didn't get his number, but he said if he falls behind in class he would let me know. He also smiled when I said he was cute and he said he would talk to me after we took our test on friday. He was finished with his test before me so he left and I didn't have the chance to talk to him again. I need help, should I talk to him next class, or should I wait for him to approach me? I really want to get to know him and I'm just scared to approach him again. Please give me advice :)

Life is short and it's for living! You like him so tell him - that would be my advice. Be more upfront rather than trying to make it seem like it's about sociology class. He may not want to get together to study sociology but that's not to say he won't want to get together for a date or to hang out. Just say it how it is. What's the worst that can happen? Fortune favours the brave as the saying goes.

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams and live the life you imagined,

Ashok

Q: I am posting this for a friend. She started dating this guy around November of last year they had their ups and downs. Disagreements. He's not the most attractive person in the world but he really cared about her. They split up in July because he'd come home from work and play video games all night get up and play video games. Never go to the store with her. She has two kids he never went to the park with her or anything he just stayed home or worked so then she stopped going to his families house because he wouldn't do things with her. It's like they were just annoyed with each other

You haven't actually asked any questions about this - just said your friend was in a relationship but they split up because he wouldn't do anything with her and just played video games all the time.

If you are asking if they should of split up then, yes I do. If he wasn't interested in her or doing anything with her and just spent all his time playing video games then that's not much of a relationship. Spending lots and lots of time sat playing video games is no way to live. If you are asking if they should get back together then generally I always advise against going back to a relationship that didn't work the first time around.

It's difficult to say much more about this as you didn't ask any questions and it's not you who was in the relationship. Perhaps post more info so myself and others van give further and better advice?

Ashok

Q: So, im 22 female. my parents have been together for 30 years. Back when i was 15, I always caught my dad on porn sites or using a webcam.. too young to realize. when i was 18, i realized how much he was always leaving the house at night (my mom works nights) and the nights my mom didnt work he would be home. He would come home those nights acting weird, i knew something was up. I found him in a chat site, and in his search history a lot of searches for escorts, prostitutes, sex sites, etc like craigslist. It bothered me, knowing he was doing something behind my moms back and I knew, and disgusted me he was spending money on it. I tried to let my mom see the evidence by calling her nights he was out late when she was at work saying why isnt he home? Why does he have a webcam. The situation really bothered me knowing that I had this information that would break our family apart.

Anyways, I decided to completely forget about it as i moved to college, and hoped that he would change on his own or my mom would figure it out.

Here I am, almost 23, living at home finishing up my last year of college. When I went to his computer to print something off, I found a phone that isnt his primary phone, it was a prepaid phone. On it was texts to prostitutes named "trantran", and a guy with his full name listed, address, and sexual messages of plans of meeting up, what my dad wanted, what the other person wanted, when and where they would meet, and him saying he was on the way. There was about 3 visits to different people in a week... this obviously is a multiple times a week thing.

So, my dad is hooking up with "trans" and a guy, and i researched this guy based on his name and address he gave, and he is a !!!junior in highschool!!! This is something I cannot and will not forget, nor ignore.

To top it all off, I found this out 2 days ago, and 3 days ago my mom found out she might have breast cancer. So, here I am. Understanding my dad is rather gay, a sex addict, but do know hes cheating religiously on my mom and I am the only one who knows.

I can't tell my brother, him and my dad work together in their own business, and i dont want that stress to be put on my brother.
I told my boyfriend, he's helping as much as he can.

So what if I tell my mom, one, she is about to find out if she has cancer. Two, I feel like this decision, although I know this is not my fault, but this decision to tell her is heartbreaking because I am responsible for all the pain and stress she is about to go through. My whole family will fall apart, my grandparents aunts uncles and family friends will all be so mad etc. My dad will hate me for basically having all this information against him (I know that its his fault, yes, but still, i will have zero relationship after this). Who knows if he will hurt himself, run away, do something horrible.

What if I dont tell my mom. I feel guilty as hell knowing that she is being treated this way, having to lie to her, having so much anger to keep this horrible secret in because of him, but then again only I feel the pain of the situation if I dont tell. And my family goes on as is. Plus, my mom is supporting my family and my dad, as he is in debt from opening his store, yet he is spending money on sex..

What if I say something to my dad, how will he react, does he need help bc hes a sex addict or will he be embarrased bc maybe he is gay? Will he continue his ways, will he laugh in my face, will he hurt himself, will he run away, will he kill himself, will he really try and get help?

This situation is not my fault, but the outcome of this situation at this current moment is riding heavily in my hands.. i make the decision what to do, who to tell, what to say.. And i really just need help. No one, no one wants to find out their dad is this type of person, it RIPS me apart knowing he is cheating, lying, spending money on this, having sex with a high school student, knowing he must be sooo messed up in his head, must have such deep serious problems, be so wrapped up in this that he does it multiple times a week, comes home, lives a double life.

It tears me apart to know my mother, someone so sweet, caring, and giving, doesn't know, she doesn't deserve this, she will be CRUSHED, they have an upcoming vacation together. What if my dad gets caught by the police, what if my dad goes to jail, what if my dad is so emotionally messed up he has no idea what to do and feels alone, what if hes got so many problems he just ends up hurting himself. How do I sort these emotions out in my head, how do i make a decision, how do i deal with all of this..

any advice is helpful.

Hi,

I am sorry to hear about this - you must be under a horrendous amount of stress with this and the uncertainty of what to do. I expect you feel a lot of personal responsibility to make the right choice.

My advice is unequivocally that you should tell your mom. I understand the reasons you have for not wanting to and advice is purely advice - obviously this is your life, your family and your choice.

These are my thoughts...

If I was in your mom's position I would want to know and I prefer truth and reality over lies and make believe in life. The overwhelming majority of people I am sure are the same. Most people would pick painful truth over living in ignorance. Also if you don't tell her she may well further down the line find out anyway. Then you will be in the position of having to tell her you knew all along and said nothing or lie and pretend to be shocked which will make you feel dreadful.

There is also another really important point and that is your mom's health. You dad has multiple partners including sex workers who each sleep with an untold number of people. You have no idea if he is having safe sex with all these people. Any sexually transmitted infection your dad catches he can pass on to your mom. That's even more concerning in light of her current health scare.

Living with this secret is not fair on you - it will drive you crazy. It is driving you crazy. Your mom deserves the truth. Your mom's health could be at risk by her not knowing. My advice is that all adds up to you having to tell her.

You could confront your dad and give him the option of coming clean to your mom himself. Tell him you will if he doesn't. Either way I really think your mom needs the truth ASAP.

I really wish you the the best of luck with this, take care

Ashok

Q: Okay, so I'm a young teen and male. I have what's known as rumination disorder. It's not a choice eating disorder like anorexia/bulimia; it's where food involuntarily comes up. It's been listed on my health form.

And yet the nurse sent my mom an email saying I haven't been eating but "one bite" of my lunch which is a load of crap because I eat all of my crackers and sometimes cookies if my mom packs them. She also said that I go into the bathroom with food in my mouth. Uhhhh...no? I don't even use the bathrooms at school, the only hall pass I've used all year was to go to my locker.

I know they're just concerned about me but I'm ticked that they went to my mom first and are apparently having some sort of secret meetings about me where they come to nonsensical conclusions. They haven't said a word about this to me and they've got my mom worried even though I am trying to get better.

Hi,
First of all I must point out to you that anorexia and bulimia are not 'choice eating disorders'. I realise you where just trying to explain that your condition is different but just because anorexia and bulimia are psychological conditions if doesn't make having then a choice. No one would choose to have an eating disorder. I do however understand what you where trying to say - the issue with you is not one of purposefully not eating or purposefully making yourself vomit.

Unless the nurse sits and watches you eat lunch each day and follows you around checking up on any bathroom visits etc. I fail to see how she could have accurately come to these conclusions to be honest, so I quite understand why you are frustrated.

Talk to your mom and calmly but assertively explain how you feel and the situation as you see it. Perhaps explain how it's not logical how the nurse could confidently arrive at these conclusions simply base on the fact that she isn't monitoring your every move all day (I assume she isn't).

I don't see what they hope to gain by having endless discussion about you and your condition without including you. All that seems to be achieving is to worry your mom and nothing more. Talk to your mom and discuss this properly yourself with her as soon as possible.

Someone should tell the nurse her current way of going about things are not helping anyone at all!

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams and live the life you imagined

Ashok

Q: some times I give head to men Id like to come clean with my wife

Hi,
You haven't actually asked a question, just made a statement. If you are asking how to tell her then you just have to make sure you are alone somewhere private and tell her in the clearest most honest way you can.

If you give more information about this myself and other columnists can give further and better advice.

I am Gay so if you want to ask anything at all from that point of view I'll happily answer any questions you have.

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams and live the life you imagined

Ashok

Q: I'm a huge hypochondriac and I've gotten to where I can't run afford to run to the doctor unless I know there might be a problem.

The other night, I noticed a lump on the upper left side of my chest and there are certain things that bother me about it. I had a relative look at it and she's insisting that it's nothing but a rib. However, I've tried and tried and I can't find an identical lump on the opposite side of my chest, which there should be if it's a rib. Also, it feels slightly softer than a bone, it moves a little, and it hurts. Maybe a better word would be that's it's uncomfortable.

I've looked it up and, aside from cancer, it could be a sebaceous cyst or it could indeed be a bone. Should I get it looked at or am I making too much of this?

First of all, before I answer your question let me just say this. As a British guy it always really shocks me to here people from other countries talk about not being able to afford to go to the doctor. The idea of having to pay to see a doctor or for medical care I just can't get my head round. In the UK no one ever asks you for money at a doctor's office or hospital. Those with no money at all get the same standard of care a multi millionaire would get. I make this point because I know in the US there is a lot of miss information spread by those against socialised / government funded heal care. They like to say how poor the care is and tell horror stories. We have an excellent health service and it's always provided me and my family first rate care when we need it.

Back to your actual question! No one on this site should be offering medical advice. If you have a lump and you are concerned you should see a doctor. Please do see one.

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams and live the life you imagined,

Ashok

bio

As a teenager I was an avid advicenators user - hence my motivation to return as an older and hopefully wiser guy, who now has professional training in Hypnotherapy, CBT, NLP and Life Coaching.

My advice will always be honest and to the point. I won't chase high ratings by telling people what they want to hear if that's not what I believe they need to hear! Though your ratings and feedback are appreciated of course.

My mantra in my coaching work is to enable my clients to go confidently in the direction of their dreams and live the life they imagined. That's how I believe we should all live.

Ashok