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My father is cheating.. I am the only one who knows
So, im 22 female. my parents have been together for 30 years. Back when i was 15, I always caught my dad on porn sites or using a webcam.. too young to realize. when i was 18, i realized how much he was always leaving the house at night (my mom works nights) and the nights my mom didnt work he would be home. He would come home those nights acting weird, i knew something was up. I found him in a chat site, and in his search history a lot of searches for escorts, prostitutes, sex sites, etc like craigslist. It bothered me, knowing he was doing something behind my moms back and I knew, and disgusted me he was spending money on it. I tried to let my mom see the evidence by calling her nights he was out late when she was at work saying why isnt he home? Why does he have a webcam. The situation really bothered me knowing that I had this information that would break our family apart.
Anyways, I decided to completely forget about it as i moved to college, and hoped that he would change on his own or my mom would figure it out.
Here I am, almost 23, living at home finishing up my last year of college. When I went to his computer to print something off, I found a phone that isnt his primary phone, it was a prepaid phone. On it was texts to prostitutes named "trantran", and a guy with his full name listed, address, and sexual messages of plans of meeting up, what my dad wanted, what the other person wanted, when and where they would meet, and him saying he was on the way. There was about 3 visits to different people in a week... this obviously is a multiple times a week thing.
So, my dad is hooking up with "trans" and a guy, and i researched this guy based on his name and address he gave, and he is a !!!junior in highschool!!! This is something I cannot and will not forget, nor ignore.
To top it all off, I found this out 2 days ago, and 3 days ago my mom found out she might have breast cancer. So, here I am. Understanding my dad is rather gay, a sex addict, but do know hes cheating religiously on my mom and I am the only one who knows.
I can't tell my brother, him and my dad work together in their own business, and i dont want that stress to be put on my brother.
I told my boyfriend, he's helping as much as he can.
So what if I tell my mom, one, she is about to find out if she has cancer. Two, I feel like this decision, although I know this is not my fault, but this decision to tell her is heartbreaking because I am responsible for all the pain and stress she is about to go through. My whole family will fall apart, my grandparents aunts uncles and family friends will all be so mad etc. My dad will hate me for basically having all this information against him (I know that its his fault, yes, but still, i will have zero relationship after this). Who knows if he will hurt himself, run away, do something horrible.
What if I dont tell my mom. I feel guilty as hell knowing that she is being treated this way, having to lie to her, having so much anger to keep this horrible secret in because of him, but then again only I feel the pain of the situation if I dont tell. And my family goes on as is. Plus, my mom is supporting my family and my dad, as he is in debt from opening his store, yet he is spending money on sex..
What if I say something to my dad, how will he react, does he need help bc hes a sex addict or will he be embarrased bc maybe he is gay? Will he continue his ways, will he laugh in my face, will he hurt himself, will he run away, will he kill himself, will he really try and get help?
This situation is not my fault, but the outcome of this situation at this current moment is riding heavily in my hands.. i make the decision what to do, who to tell, what to say.. And i really just need help. No one, no one wants to find out their dad is this type of person, it RIPS me apart knowing he is cheating, lying, spending money on this, having sex with a high school student, knowing he must be sooo messed up in his head, must have such deep serious problems, be so wrapped up in this that he does it multiple times a week, comes home, lives a double life.
It tears me apart to know my mother, someone so sweet, caring, and giving, doesn't know, she doesn't deserve this, she will be CRUSHED, they have an upcoming vacation together. What if my dad gets caught by the police, what if my dad goes to jail, what if my dad is so emotionally messed up he has no idea what to do and feels alone, what if hes got so many problems he just ends up hurting himself. How do I sort these emotions out in my head, how do i make a decision, how do i deal with all of this..
any advice is helpful.
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I say try to be as strong as you can here, and confront him in a gentle way. Say "hey id like to sit down with you and talk". Maybe tell him that you know "whats been going on" and try to leave out details but give him enough to let him know that you are aware of his indiscretions, his other prepaid phone, and his "online activity". I would come from a non-judgmental place, and that you WANT to offer support if he feels that he has a problem that he'd like to get some help with if thats the case. Keep a straight poker face so that he feels that you are not bringing your own emotions into the situation here. ((undivided, serious, straight face, with lots of eye contact will usually do the trick here when confronting someone to show that your completely serious and that you want answers)) and most of all stay calm, outbursts of any kind will NOT make anything better. This is about him and HIS problem, not YOU and your emotions. He will need to see that youve removed yourself from the situation a bit and your just here to A: get the truth, and B: see if he wants help, so that this doesnt have to get out of control anymore then it already is.
Ask him in he plans on coming clean to your mother and most of all ask him if HE thinks, he needs help. Wait, see what his reaction is to all of this while your sitting there, and really listen to what hes trying to say to you (sometimes it will be "coded" in such a way that you wont be sure what to think of his answers) because you ARE still after all his child he will see you as such and you will need to make sure that you know how to show him that you are able to step back and "look at the bigger picture here" and ask him to do the same with you while your sitting there talking.
offer to help him get help, and you will come off to him as if you were the first to step up and offer a supportive loving hand when he was in a vulnerable spot. aka with his hand in the cookie jar if you know what i mean.
I have experience in this area, before my mother died i confronted my uncle and my grandfather about my mothers molestation accusations as only a teenager, and no they both have the most respect for me because i came to them when no one else would and talked about something that was taboo.
The important thing here is to give the person the benefit of a doubt and firstly assume that they are "suffering" and are ill mentally. Because anger and judgement will automatically make them shut down and close you all out and things could spiral out of control and WILL most likely end badly.
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Hi,
I am sorry to hear about this - you must be under a horrendous amount of stress with this and the uncertainty of what to do. I expect you feel a lot of personal responsibility to make the right choice.
My advice is unequivocally that you should tell your mom. I understand the reasons you have for not wanting to and advice is purely advice - obviously this is your life, your family and your choice.
These are my thoughts...
If I was in your mom's position I would want to know and I prefer truth and reality over lies and make believe in life. The overwhelming majority of people I am sure are the same. Most people would pick painful truth over living in ignorance. Also if you don't tell her she may well further down the line find out anyway. Then you will be in the position of having to tell her you knew all along and said nothing or lie and pretend to be shocked which will make you feel dreadful.
There is also another really important point and that is your mom's health. You dad has multiple partners including sex workers who each sleep with an untold number of people. You have no idea if he is having safe sex with all these people. Any sexually transmitted infection your dad catches he can pass on to your mom. That's even more concerning in light of her current health scare.
Living with this secret is not fair on you - it will drive you crazy. It is driving you crazy. Your mom deserves the truth. Your mom's health could be at risk by her not knowing. My advice is that all adds up to you having to tell her.
You could confront your dad and give him the option of coming clean to your mom himself. Tell him you will if he doesn't. Either way I really think your mom needs the truth ASAP.
I really wish you the the best of luck with this, take care
Ashok
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Your between a rock and a hard place with what you know and your mothers health is at risk even more so today as she is being treated for cancer. The cancer treatments will affect her immune system weakening it so she will not be able to fight off infections as well as if she didn't have cancers.
You do not know what type of sex exactly your father is having and if safe sex practices are being used. This means it is possible for him to pick up and STD or even worse case scenario the HIV/AIDS virus.
By having sex with a 16 year old boy you father is a child molester and this places a whole different view on the subject. Child molestation is a criminal offense.
In all the years your father has lives this double life he has not brought home any diseases so it is possible he does practice safe sex. IF you mother was healthy I would suggest you tell her before he does bring home something or before she found out for herself. She is not healthy and with illnesses such as cancer recovery is 90% attitude and 10% medicine. Meaning a good outlook saying to yourself that I am going to beat this does more for a cure than the medicine.
Because she is not healthy and if all that there was to this I would say not to tell her. But we have this child molestation issue to deal with. The proper way to deal with it is to file a complaint with the police. Which is what you should do. If you cannot bring yourself to turning your father in then you should confront him with the evidence and tell him he if he doesn't stop immediately. If he does not you will turn him in to the police.
Hopefully the threat we cause him to stop though I doubt it. If you do make the threat be ready to bring the charges if he violates the agreement
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Get your butt into therapy.
Chances are good you are going to tell someone, sooner rather than later. Your mother is being put in physical danger by your father's choices. A man who is regularly paying for sex, and seeking sex with someone who is - likely - a minor, is not someone who can be trusted to be practicing safe sex.
Between that very real physical danger, the potentially criminal behaviour, the financial concerns, and your entirely legitimate anger, this is going to come out of your mouth at some point, and it's going to hurt everyone - probably you more than most, because you'll be getting it from all sides.
So talk to a therapist. Your boyfriend may be awesome, but he is also limited, and you want to make sure your relationship with him can stay healthy and balanced through this. So, talk to a therapist about everything you are feeling, and any plans you are making. Give yourself the gift of having a safe place to go and be honest. You are going to need it.
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I would confront your father. Tell him you know and tell him he needs to stop. For your mom's sake, for the family, and for himself. You don't want this spiraling out of control and him going to jail for being with a minor, so I would confront him soon. It's impossible to tell what he'll do, so you need to make sure that he knows you still love him, assuming you do. This will help prevent him from doing something dangerous as a reaction to what you tell him.
Your mother has a lot on her plate right now, so I would hold off on telling her until she's done dealing with the possibility of having cancer. Honesty is almost always the right way to go, but under these circumstances it may be too much emotional trauma for her.
You aren't responsible for anything concerning this situation. Your family is very fragile right now and bad things could happen, regardless of how you handle your own actions. No matter what, these things that may happen regarding your parents are not your fault. I think it's important that you understand that.
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