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My boyfriend wants to take things to another level, but I don't?
I really like, would almost say love my boyfriend. He's been really amazing to me and he's almost everything I want. Our relationship is healthy and we both have good futures ahead of us so we make a good power couple.
My problems is my boyfriend wants to take our relationship to the next level, but I don't.
I'm a full-time student, full-time worker, and a natural busy-bee who just moved to a new college, where I want to join a sorority, get involved in faith ministries, make new friends, join various clubs, and I want to take at least 5 classes so I can graduate early. With all this going on I just don't feel like we're at the same places in life. I want to live on campus and spend a lot of time there where as he really wants me to move in with him and spend a lot more time with him. These two things can't mix because he lives 40 minutes away from my college.
I've also previously had a SO live with me before and I'm just not ready for that again. I don't want to have to plan out my entire life around somebody else at my age. I also don't want to be held to the kind of expectations men get when they live with their girlfriend. I feel like men have this imaginary dreamland in their head of what it's going to be like where they think their girlfriend is going to be super happy all the time, do all the cooking and cleaning, where they're going to get sex all the time, where periods cease to exist, where everything is just super amazing when it's not like that.
I enjoy spending time with him, but seeing him a couple days a week is fine to me, when he wants so much more.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt him, but sometimes I really feel like my interests are in places other than being in a relationship with somebody who wants to take precedent in my life over everything else when so many other things are just as important to me. I just want to take the relationship slow and see what it eventually develops into, but he wants to speed things up with me into something more serious when we've only been dating a couple months.
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You need to communicate this to him. It is also a red flag that he wants to jump into things so quickly and take the relationship to the next level after only a couple months of dating. It seems he has let the excitement of the relationship take over his better judgement. It's totally fine to want to live with a boy/girlfriend, but definitely not after such a short time.
Both of you either need to come to an agreement- meaning you live your life the way you need to and live away from each other, or you decide to part ways. If living with him means sacrificing your own goals, then you're right not to want to. You've just started college, and I also agree that the focus should be on you. Wanting to get involved in campus life and take a full-time (or more) course load is a big commitment in itself, as you know. You mentioned that you don't want to hurt him-- when really, you need to focus on not hurting yourself in the process. You already know you're not ready to live with him, and that is totally reasonable. You just need to tell him that you'll need to take things at a slower pace and have room to manage your own college life. If he is understanding, great. If not, you'll know that he isn't worth your time or energy, and you can move on.
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You two are obviously in two different places in this relationship. His choice is to accept the relationship on your terms or not. For him to continue to harass you, cajole you, into seeing things his way and moving to the next level is sexual harassment. It is sexual harassment because his desire in having you live with him includes you being available for more sex. Sexual harassment is illegal.
You have been together for just two months and already there appears to be a big difference between you as to respecting the others wishes. It appears to me his love for you may be more in the form of lust rather than love.
Since he is the one that is making the request he is also the one that needs to accept NO for an answer. You are an adult free to make your own choices. While you have many reasons for not wanting to move in with him the best one is he is moving faster than you are willing to move. Here again we are in the area of sexual relations which puts his request and any cajoling in the realm of sexual harassment.
My advice is to stay the course and follow your plan. If that is not good enough for him then his love for you may be as I said more of lust then love and you deserve better.
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The only way is honesty. Tell him that the relationship is fairly new and that you can't move in with him because the last time you did this you rushed into it and it was disaster.
You need to be cautious and live close to school and the 40 min distance is concern when it comes to studies. Also, when it comes to "dreamland" give him the benefit of the doubt for he may not be thinking that.
I will level with you it sounds as though this person would make a better friend than lover. He cares for you in a way that you aren't feeling for him and you don't feel you are on the same path. That's okay but it needs to be said now or one or both of you gets hurt. If you feel this way it will harm the relationship as you'll never be able to get past it.
Let him know that things have been going too fast for you and need to slow down and agree to seeing each other in the intraval you mentioned earlier or tell him you would be better friends than together. It might upset him and you never can tell but being honest when a relationship can't work or won't is better than dragging it out. You really have little in common from what you have said and resent the situation as it doesn't jive with your lifestyle. And that is okay but you need t be honest and upfront with him and have this dialogue.
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