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Does love still exist?
20/f
I have personally been very unlucky in the love department. But I feel that I'm not the only one. All around me I see people falling out of love,pretending to be in love,cheating,marrying out of interest,only going after sex and what not. Seeing all these things done by both men and women (although being a woman I often feel men are the emotionless ones) I wonder if love has become a thing of the past. It's like,if you're a guy,you only get the girl if you're rich. If you're a girl,you only get a guy if you look like a model. Personally I don't care what a guy owns because I'm a woman who is taking care of herself very well and I need no man to support me. But I don't look like a model,really. I'm good looking but not that much. And it seems like no one is willing to overlook physical flaws or a lesser financial status and love is non-existent in that case. I would really love to meet a guy who appreciates me for who I am-not for superficial things that can change any day. Are there no more men or women who can love? Has it only become a matter of some sort of interest?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I know how you feel. Looking around at people in younger generations in particular, it is very easy to think that love no longer exists or is extremely rare. Add to that our social norms- people feel validated by and get rewarded for being attractive, rich, etc. So it's no wonder why a lot of people seek out those qualities at the expense of more important things like shared values, humility, kindness, intelligence, etc; it has a lot to do with our superficial society. You seem mature for your age. Most people in their early 20's haven't reached a level of awareness and maturity necessary to truly love. Some people grow out of their immaturity, some people don't.
Try to look underneath the surface of things: there are a lot of people out there who feel the same way you do. The trick is to look past those who see "love" as some sort of Hollywood fantasy/prettiest girl and richest guy win, and have hope in your heart that there are people out there who value what truly matters: connection and compatibility. Yes, believe it or not, there are men out there who are tired of what you describe, and are looking for like-minded women to spend time with. Same goes for women. I don't believe that there are no men or women out there who can love, only that our culture promotes selfish, superficial bullshit as far as "love" is concerned. But there are exceptions, lots of them! I know some really great guys and girls who are looking for real friendship and love.
I suggest focusing on your own life and goals, taking care of yourself, and surrounding yourself with people you love who truly get you. You will begin to attract the right kinds of people into your life by simply being yourself. Instead of wasting energy lamenting how shitty and superficial people have become in their views of dating/marriage, think about how you can attract the direct opposite: people who think more like you do. Dating can be tough--there are plenty of really great guys who might not be right for you, not necessarily because they are superficial or self-absorbed, but because they are not compatible with you. Just focus on getting yourself out there when you're ready, not putting up with insincere/superficial/arrogant men, and focusing on spending time with men who value who you are as a person and make you feel at ease and good about yourself. They are out there, I promise! The key is to not lose hope.
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I tend to agree with Rainhourse68. Most of us today tend to look for the perfect fit in what is still an off the rack world. That does not mean there is not someone out there for you. You just have to work harder to find him.
I do not believe you will find your soulmate at the booty calls at Bars that cater to singles. The best way I know to make friends is to find places where there is some type of compatibility in the organization and you or the activity and you. Joining clubs or activities that you have an interest in is a start towards finding someone who will be interested in you.
Why, because in these groups it is the activity or commonality of interest that brings you together. It is a conversation starter. You get to know a person that transcends outer appearance. The activity is the introduction that allows for a friendship. From a friendship a relationship can grow.
Another route to go is one a guy at the fire station I volunteer at went. He is obese by any standard you use tipping the scales well over 300 pounds. A nice kid but no one ever thought he would find a girls to marry. His peer group at the station teased him unmercifully about his weight and how he would be a virgin his whole life. As it turned out he was among the first of that group to marry.
How did he manage it? He went on match.com. His wife is a very nice person. Very pretty in her own way but she too is overweight. They are extremely compatible in ways other than just their weight. She has also been very good for him in making him a better man. My only concern is that neither of them have any desire to lose weight and I worry every time the bell rings and he responds to a call. I fear he will keel over and his partner will be unable to get him out of the building.
That of course is not your concern. My point is if he found a totally compatible mate so can you. It all depends on which way you wish to go about it. Not all the men out there are as vain as the picture you painted. You just need to go hunting in a different forest.
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I would tend to lay the blame on our recent and very current mania and interest in 'celebrity culture' for you doubts. It's everywhere. Rammed down our throats 24 hours a day. Girls have to look like models to be content. Guys have to be rich and powerful (media or sports stars, for instance). If you aren't...well you just haven't lived up to the dream. You've fallen short. How can you love and be loved, or be happy then? You can even post up photos and video clips, and detail your activities and feelings on social media now. YOU TOO are a celebrity! And my word, haven't we all bought into it! Fact is, we love and are loved. We pursue our aims and ambitions. Our projects. Our lives. As ordinary people. Just like we always did. Just as we always will. The whole aspirational, celebrity culture thing is just smoke and mirrors. You will by necessity find someone who 'loves you for what you are' and who YOU love 'for what he is'. Because in the final analysis, what and who we are is all we have got.
ps. Well-off guys have as much entitlement, and ability to love as anyone else. So do models, and girls with model-looks! Wealth and looks do not secure committed and satisfying long-term relationships. It's a double-edged sword and it cuts both ways.
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Yes, love still exists. I had very similar thoughts before I met my current boyfriend. He is what I thought didn't exist anymore and loves me unconditionally (and I'm no model either- I have bad acne scarring and am not the nicest thing to look at in the morning). He doesn't care about my physical flaws (couldn't care less about the weight I've put on since we've been together) or money and I am the same about him. We truly appreciate even the littlest things about each other and are happy despite how little money we have.
Part of it is your age. I have a theory that guys don't really mature until about age 25. (My guy is 26) Before then, a lot of them are all about looks and getting with as many girls as they possibly can.
So wait it out, be patient. If you're looking in the right places (i.e. NOT a club, bar, dating site, etc) the right guy may just show up when you least expect it. In the meantime, do you and be happy- that always attracts the best kind of people.
- Krista, 23/f
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Yes love does exist. You just wanted to be reassured that it indeed does. You won't find many good examples of it in your age bracket though and thats why you are feeling disillusioned.
Part of the issue is that the part of the brain responsible for maturity level and good decisions, is not done growing yet and wont reach maturity until mid 20's. However from watching my kids and their friends, I can say that truly the official testing saying we don't mature until 25 seems off to me, as I see young people having maturity problems until they reach 29, 30 31, these days.
Too many young people have parents who stayed married but were either just co existing and no longer in love or they never were in love, or stayed together just for the kids but fought and couldnt stand each other. Happily married parents who were lovey dovey with each other and the children seeing how two people in love with each other treated each other is now rare. The problem snowballs when the next generation not having a clue starts dating and trying their hand at relationships. Without good role models, young people today are like fish out of water, totally incapable of having a successful relationship. And unfortunately there is no widely broadcast seminars, classes, books, shows on what dating is about and how to have a successful relationship.
So we end up stuck, having to fend on our own and most of us do a pretty rotten job at it, I know I did when I was 20. I ended up getting married at that age thinking I really knew the guy. He fooled others too. Ended up being verbally abusive the entire marriage. I was one who stayed with him til my girls were adults. As a result of witnessing a poor example of what a healthy couple relationship is, all my girls are floundering when it comes to relationships. None of them have had any real successes yet. I feel badly about that. All I can do now, is warn other young ladies.
This falling out of love at a young age, dating only a short time to only a yr or two, could be due to neither really knowing what they wanted in a partner and simply happy to have someone say yes, they'd date you whether they are right for you or not. Or . . . it could be the excitement of newness that brings on a heightened sense of feelings so people think they are in love, but this period of heightened feelings is short lived, and after a few months fades and eventually disappears totally. So if a couple who are mismatched last a yr or two before breaking up, then they were ignoring or denying that there was something wrong, too scared to start all over and wanting to make it work. But thats like trying to ride a dead horse...you can't make it happen.
The best thing I can suggest is that you decide what it is you are looking for in a guy, what it looks like so you'll recognize it when you see it, what personality traits you don't like, any major differences you dont see eye to eye on, like having kids, religious beliefs, what habits are ok or not like drinking, smoking, drugs, gambling. You may not want someone who can't keep those under control. So make yourself a list of the things you've liked about guys so far, what you'd want to have in a husband. One column is Needs, like needing a guy who wants kids someday as much as you. Needs are deal breakers. If he doesnt meet this criteria, you wont date him or consider him. A list of wants is not deal breakers. More like icing on the cake...a sweet deal but not necessary. Example: wanting a guy who prefers wearing his hair long, but any style, short or even shaved head will be okay. Keep adding to this list as you experience things in dating. Dating is not about long lasting boyfriends. Dating is the checking each other out period. If they're perfect for you, both decide to go to the committed relationship level at which point they see each other much more and often move in together. This is good as its a time to discover some things that can still be hidden when living in separates places. Even a committed couple can discover deal breakers in this stage and break up...and that is good. Thats what you want, is to eliminate the ones you know you could not handle putting up with their bad points for decade after decade until the day you die. Guys get more serious about looking for a woman to marry the older they get.
Heres another thing to keep in mind. In the dating stage, not all guys will date exclusively, many will date several girls at once at first to discover which one they want to invest all their time in and let the others go. There are females who will do this. I did after my divorce but the difference is I was upfront about it telling the guy that agreeing to go on a date with him and meet him soon again didn't mean I had 'decided on him' yet. I had other guys I would be meeting up with until I found someone I wanted to get to know better. Then other guys have no sense of loyalty. You will need to ask them up front if they are looking to date just one girl, date around several at once, or whether they are just looking for friends with benefits and no commitments. If a guy under consideration has ever lied to you or you've witnessed him lying to others, then you can not trust his word. You'd be playing russian roulette to give him a chance. If he has proven to be consistant in being a man of his word, then depending on his answer, give him a chance. If you are encountering guys who only look at and consider girls who look like the media
s false portrayal of what a beauty is, then you are hanging with the wrong guys. While all heterosexual men will be sexually attracted to females, not all have the exact same tastes. I can think of young men right now that I know have said they are not interested in glamour models, to them it's all false. They want a real female, who had natural beauty, doesnt have to rely on make up, hair styling or coloring or perms, fake nails, dieting and fancy clothes. Guys like glitter, So do women. But there are young people who are more realistic and want someone they find attractive and a natural beauty. I am mid fifties, have the wrinkles, skin starting to go crepe paper like and silver in my hair. My husband stills says I look beautiful. I wont compare to what I looked like at 30, my favorite age, but for my age bracket, in comparison, I am a beauty and he tells me he catches many other men looking at me when we are out and about running errand or what not. Hang in there and trust God, or Fate or whatever higher power you believe in, will bring this right person to you. If he isn't quite ready yet or hasn't moved into your area yet to find and meet you, would you be willing to wait a couple years for him? My perfect 2nd husband, I couldn't unfortunately meet when young as we lived on opposite coasts of the country. We both had to go thru many things before meeting in later life. For the one you seek, just be patient, make your list and don't have high expectations in the dating stage of finding instant love. Good luck dear
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