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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

advice

Hi Dragonflymagic, just been to your column and writing to you about finding a mr right guy? Thank you. I’m the one who wrote about the divorced guy and loving him on a last love relationship question.

I am so glad you asked dear. I wish that what I am about to share was taught in every HS in a class on how to relate to people. Unfortunately it is not.

How to find Mr. Right

I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.

First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. Less of hunting for a needle in a haystack. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, to really describe yourself, in person or in a dating site, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may sound promising. This is not just those met online if you go that way, but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. Or hopefully they will, if they haven't given what they want any thought, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy. Sorry this is long but needed for all the details.

So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions (what drives or motivates you) deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?

I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person be driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.

Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help. Best is to ask friends who know you closely and like myself, you won't likely think of everything at once to write down and have to revise your list many times before it's complete.

Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it had been okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter then. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. This helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, shallow, cheaters, etc....

Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.

The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the critieria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.

I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be on the list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Hope this helps you. This is a lot said and yet there is so much more detail to share. So ask me if you have questions.

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Hi my name is Elena, i'm from England. My mum and dad had me at a young age, they were going to get married but my dad said he was not ready for a family. So he left us. Because he has a disorder called bipolar which my mother didn't know. Now that i'm 14 years old my dad is married and has 2 beautiful girls, and my mum has a partner and a son from him. He lives with us and he respects us and i love him like a second father. But these last days i don't know what has happend to me, I really want my father and mother back togheter and i know that's difficult to happen but i am really hoping. what should i do? should i stop hoping? I know that's a little selfish of me but it's literally all i want.

I am sure there is something you aren't aware of that triggered your thinking this way of your parents being together. It sounds like both of them have moved on and are happy with their lives.

Happiness is a key word here. Let me tell you my story first. I left my husband after 30 years due to discovering the main problem that had him mistreating me all our marriage, he was mentally ill. I didn't leave because of that but because he refused to get on medication and stopped seeing his counselor. I had one girl left in HS but she refused to leave with me. The other two were out on their own. So I left to stay with friends first and then 6 months with a sister out of state. I came back a year later when the oldest was about to have a baby. All my girls noted that after a year away, I had undergone a great change. They could actually see that I was happy for the first time in their lives and it showed. You did not grow up with your Dad as my kids did. But you can still miss him anyway. Now I said my kids were happy that I was happy and said it mattered more to them that I was, rather than us all being together as a family. Of course they all were older than you, including my youngest at 18. I married young too. Often, when people marry young, they are just following the feelings of their heart but there is no logic involved as to whether both are well matched. I won't go until the details of what I mean regarding how some people are not good matches for each other unless you write from my column and ask me from there. I cant answer in the comment box, its not set up that way.
It may not be just the fact your Dad is bipolar but other things that don't make them a good match.
This may be a stretch but your at that age when hormones are flowing, going through puberty and beginning to notice boys and thinking of dating and relationships yourself. And like many young girls, dreaming of a happy ever after with the man of their dreams. SInce you are of an age to be more aware of relationships, its possible that got you thinking of this past relationship of your Mum and Dad. Unfortunately, there really is no going back since your Dad is married and has 2 girls. If I were you, I would be wondering about all he does for his two girls and feel that maybe I was left out. I don't know if you get to see him and them at all, but it may be more of a longing of feeling like part of his family. After all, those 2 girls are your sisters, half sisters through your Dad, different Mum, but sisters all the same. I know that I would want to be included on special events and outings they do as a family, especially if I had half sisters to do that with. Maybe have a talk with Mom and pass the idea on. See if she'd be willling to work something out with Dad and his wife. Perhaps your sisters can come to your house for sleep overs sometime or other events, and the same with you going to join them over there. I beleive this may go a long way to filling that need to feel a part of family. After all, if I understand correctly, you are Mums only child and her partner has a son but that son may not feel like a brother to you. He doesn't share blood with you and that matters lots for some people. If you already see your Dad and sisters occasionally, perhaps it is not enough and needs to become more a part of your life as that is what you need. If you agree and can explain the need you have to be around blood family, then I am sure Mum will understand. If your feelings of Mum and Dad back together don't go away with spending the recommended family time, then understanding should set in as you grow older and that desire will quietly dissappear as you enjoy times with ALL your family. I wish you the best dear.

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Hi, he’s a divorcee and got a kid from her first relationship. He’s in a second relationship at the mo and got a gf plus kid with her, they’ve been together for merely 4 years. But he wasn’t happy with her for a while as they were not communicating. On the other hand me and him are good friends and known for almost 2 years despite knowing his situation we fell for each other and dated for few months but he decided to call it off and said because I pushed him too hard and he’s got a family to think about and we’re never going to happen now or not in 10 years time as he don’t want a stress top of that he’s got a lot of stress, he loved me and I loved him, I still do, he’s just a very kind, genuine, caring, smart and understanding guy ever. I just think he’s still with her because he don’t want to have a second failed relationship and worried what other people might say, he’s just with her for the sake of other people’s happiness, he’d say what would his family might say if they know their son is having a second failed relationship so I’m just thinking he’s just don’t love her, he’s with her coz they got a kid, I still think deep down he loves me but since he split up he don’t say anymore but I’d say to him still like we used to, miss you and love you. My question is, is he just sympathising their relationship? Can a men stay in a bad relationship even though he don’t love her but he says he does? I love him still so is this wrong to love a guy who’s got a kid and gf? I hope you don’t judge me! We both are in our 30’s. What do you reckon guys? Am I wrong to love this father of 2? Guys help!

One can't control who their heart is going to love or why. That said, just because we love something, does not necessarily mean its good for us. A diabetic may like sweets but if they eat any, it can mess with their blood sugar and maybe kill them.
Same for a relationship. I am not judging hon. I fell for a man after my divorce. This man was separated. We fell in love. Then after some months, she told him she wanted to get together and fix their marriage. He now cared about two women. Since he had kids with her, he decided to go back to her but not without shedding lots of tears. Sometimes we have to do the hard thing and deny something in our lives we really love.
Mulling over what his reasons are for staying is not going to change anything.
I can understand wanting to find someone to love you and be with you until your dying day. Its rare to find. Most people marry when they are young...young enough to not have much relationship skills or having the ability to see potential problems in a certain person, that was my mistake with first husband. I learned in the school of hard knocks so to speak. So I believe that just because a person gets divorced once, that doesn't mean that they are a bad person, more likely just matched up with the wrong person for them as I was.
However, if there is more than one divorce or failed relationship, its possibly pointing to the fact there may be something that person has not learned yet, something that is important for having the best relationship possible. This man is responsible for one child support. If he were to leave her and go with you, then he would be responsible for two child supports and that takes away lots of money from a household budget. If you think he's stressed now, leaving and starting another relationship, he would be even more stressed and part of it would be about financial woes that just can't be fixed. Think ahead dear, thats one future problem, fighting over lack of money and where the little of it goes. Another potential fight is where he puts his attention. You are young enough to have kids yet. I can see resentment when he takes time to go see his other kdis and you feel he doesn't give enough time or more time to you and the kids you have with him. Those are just a couple that I know of couples who have fought over those things. There are likely more. I met lots of men hon, through internet dating. But it was easy to feel something for a guy, the heart engages too easily, even if the guy has faults I would rather not live with. But I learned not to let my heart lead the decisions, but allow logic to lead.
If and when you are ready to look for Mr Right for you, I do have instructions I can share with you, how I found my 2nd husband. We're together almost 9 yrs and more in love every day. I got the inspiration from God as to what to do and would love to share it with you. I beleive it helps greatly in determining if a guy is right for you and you for him. But if you wish me to give it to you, you can't answer in where you post ratings. You need to go to my column and click the button to contact me.

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So I'm in my last year of school and I've been in my school since I was 6. It's a really small school, my grade has 12 people in it. My school wears uniform and on our birthdays we are allowed to wear normal clothes. Now they changed the rule that we have to wear our uniform. How can we somehow convince the school to change it back? Or to even let it be a matric privelage- so those in there last year get to wear clothes on their birthdays? It's just such a stupid rule and no one wants to feel ugly on their birthday with hair tied up and no make up and we cant even take photos at school with our friends then. Like I always go out after school on my birthday which I can't do because of uniform. I know this seems like a silly problem but everyone is so unhappy and the school has changed so many rules and all of them are unnecessary so we'd rather try change the small ones to take away a small amount of being miserable in the school.

I attended a grade school that had a rule in place that girls could not wear pants. I know this is telling of how old I am, but it is true. I had just transfered to this school because my parents bought a house in that neighborhood. It was winter and Mom made me wear knit pants for warmth to school. I told her I can't wear them because the schools rule was no pants on girls. SHe said it was a silly rule and to wear them anyways. When I got singled out for wearing pants, they called my Mom who told them she wanted me to be warm and not get sick and she ignored them. I had lots of girls asking why I was wearing pants cus its against the rule. I was shy and really felt bad with all this attention. ONe brave girl decided to start a petition because she wanted to wear pants too. All the girls didn't like this rule. This was a rule in place for ever, not a recent change like yours, so this was even a harder thing to change. Well, the petition did the trick. All the girl students signed it and parents who weren't aware of the rule were told by their daugthers and many parents signed it, mine too. I don't know what legal things happended when that was turned in to the prinicipal but I assume they showed it to the school board or in your case, what ever governing group is in charge of the private school. You are not asking much, only for them to repeal this rule for good so all kids after you can also enjoy wearing their own clothes on their birthday. Although I am wondering what happened to kids who had birthdays during summer vacation. Think of all the people in history who bucked against the rules. A famous one is Rose Parks who sat where she wanted in a city bus but there was a rule that black people were not allowed. Because of her and others, now blacks have laws, that give them the same rights as anyone else. Looking back, I am sure you'd see that rules against blacks, as if they were animals instead of humans was just as silly if not some being crazy and having no logic at all. So, if the new rules are petty and shouldn't have been made, make that petition and get everyone to sign it. If it is ignored, constant calls from parents willing to call and ask them to repeal their rule may bring about the change, after all, the saying that 'the squeaky wheel gets greased' is true. Too much complaining, and I am sure they will change it all back just to get you all to quit complaining. Good luck with that. You might check around if any students there have a Dad or Mom with some Law experience and would come up with a well written petition form to sign.

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I'm a Sophmore in High School. I've known I'm a lesbian for a long time, I've always really known I liked girls and not boys, I've just tried to surpress it. I just avoided dating all together. However, now I have a crush on a girl and it's not going away.

I can't come out to my family. I'm from a conservative Mormon home, they would never approve. The only people who know I'm gay are my 3 best friends and we keep it silent and between us, I'm afraid that if I'm out to the school, the news would travel to my siblings and eventually to my parents.

The girl I have a crush on is from a progressive Catholic home, and she's out to everyone, including her accepting family. She's also the toughest, bravest, strongest, determined, and ambitious person you'll ever meet. She can stand up for herself, and she can handle people rejecting or discriminating against her. I can't.

She does not know I'm gay, or that I have feelings for her. We talk, we're friends. We're both in the drama club and since we're both girls we're in the same dressing room and I see her undress and redress herself every day and her naked body makes me think thoughts I'd rather not have. She has perky, round breasts, a small waist, and an ass. Once she asked me to unzip her dress and as I did I got the urge to touch her that I could barely fend off. She's flirted with me before, and I've pretended to be oblivious. She stopped when she thought she wasn't getting anywhere with it, and it killed me because I do want her. Not only for her amazing body, but because she's an amazing person.

I was taught by my family not to be gay, not to talk to gays, not to fantasize about sex or to have it outside of marriage.

I can't hold back my feelings for her. It's killing me inside. I want to come out to her, I know she'd keep my secret, but doing so would mean coming to terms completely with my sexuality.

How do I go about doing this?

HI dear.

I wasn't Mormon but in a conservative Christian church. I know the effect of sharing something with parents that goes against the way the parents beleive. I used to be the one who blindly believed whatever I was told and my youngest daughter had experiences of the psychic kind that she could not share with me as she feared I would think she was possessed. So she shared with her aunt instead.

Yeah, I used to be that bad. So I know a mind like that will not be swayed simply by saying the right words. Your coming out to an average pair of parents who are good people but not highly religious, I would encourage giving a try.
The fact is, you are still a minor and are not an adult until 18. You might start with ideas as to what you want to do to get out on your own after you graduate HS. If you tell the parents now, they could give you hell, ground you and make your life miserable for as long as you remain in their care and under their roof. Coming to terms with who you are sexually does not have to include saying anything to the parents. Your life is yours to live. THe parents did their best to teach you all your life what they thought might be the best thing to model your life after. However, all the organized religions, have fallacies, faulty reasoning on some issues and sexuality is one biggie, I remember that from church when I was younger although I do not attend and live a spiritual life yet.

As for the girl, you said she's flirted with you before and you made no response. Probably you had no idea what to say or do. So rather than just blurt out that you are gay and interested in her and freak her out if she isn't, it would be better to ask her a question or two to find out if she'd be receptive. So next time she flirts, ask her if she's practicing flirting with you to be able to do that well with guys, or whether she is seriously attracted to females instead. If she says females, then of course its fine to go ahead and tell her how you feel. If she says she is bi-sexual, then she may be open to a relationship with you if she is attracted to you that way, so tell her. If she says she isn't flirting with you and she's not gay, then you may want to ask a few more questions to see how receptive she is to having gay friends. Ask her if she feels comfortable being friends with gay people. If she is, then as her friend, you may want to let her know that you are gay. Let that sink in for a moment. SHe may say something or not. Then add, I am also very attracted to you. If you are not gay, I ask ahead of time your forgiveness if I say or do anything in a moment of weakness that makes you
uncomfortable. That way, unless she asks, you don't have to share in detail as you did here how hard it is to see her undressing and how tempted you are to touch her. If she does ask for examples of what you mean, then say it. Most young people are very understanding of gender and sexual differences. I doubt she'd freak out. I've had one bi woman approach me once, and same with a gay female but I didn't freak out and make them feel bad. I was friendly and told them it wasn't anything about them personally, just that I diddn't roll that way. If they wanted to just be friends, then I was okay with that. I feel for you, because I get it that its hard enough for a person to approach the opposite sex when young and in HS. But its much harder to know if someone is bi or gay. Other than chat rooms designated to just that, if I were gay, I think that would be a big challenge, trying to figure a way to find out without losing a friendship or freaking people out. If you want to use your own words, at least try imagining yourself in her shoes and how it would feel if you were being told by you that you are gay and have feelings for her. Its hard to imagine being the other person sometimes, but I use this trick often in life to know how to talk to a person, what to say and what not to say. I wish you the best dear. If you need an adult who knows you, to talk to, how about the accepting Mom of the friend who came out to her parents. It helps to have your adult sounding board even if you can't consider your parents for that.

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24/f

I am a substitute teacher. I previously left my teaching position mid-year due to the lack of admin support. My whole life, I have been working jobs that I hated. I was in marketing, I was in sales, and turns out that I do not like teaching.

After soul-searching a little bit, I decided to try to narrow down careers that were a good fit for my personality. I found out I would need to get my masters to become a librarian. I was either going to be a librarian or I would go into administration.

I decided to give administration a try and to volunteer at my local library to see if it's a good fit.

I have been going to many interviews the past two months and I have not been landing any administrative jobs. I am starting to feel discouraged. The previous job I interviewed at, seems to have really liked me but the schedule for it seems very hectic (that gets me nervous because being overwhelmed with overtime hours seems to put me in depression) and the only days of breaks I will be getting are the three days during Christmas break and three days during spring break.

At this point, I am conflicted on what I need to do. I would love to find an administrative position that has hours that I need to keep my mental health in check and to find what I would like to do in life.

However, I just received my last paycheck from my district, which means my insurance has ended. My interviews have been scheduled on days that I can substitute (because business are during these days/hours). Being a teacher, insurance cost $300/month now and I tried ObamaCare and the lowest rate I was able to get was $218.00. I can't afford that, either.

I am starting to feel desparate and I'm panicking on what I should do. Should I just snatch up any administration job I get (even if it's not a good fit for me) or should I hold out on a job that I really want (even if I need money ASAP)?

for money asap, consider going to a temp agency and getting temp work, then you can continue to search for the job you really want.

As to passion (drive, motivation, zeal) vs money, you will experience a lot less stress and actually enjoy your work if you land a job that involves your passions. One of my passions is gardening. I could be out in the yard all day and my eyes adjusting after the sun went down until my family is asking, when are you going to start dinner. Yes, that actually happened. The time didn't feel like I was out there 8 hours and I did put a lot of time into the yard. I also put lots of time into my children. Both require being nurturing as your passion. Nurture plants, nurture kids. I have another couple passions but that one is strongest. Think of the things you enjoy doing so much that time seems to fly by so fast that you would really like more time to indulge in your activity and then decide what qualities are needed to do those activities and you'll have your passion. Then research and learn what jobs your passion will be a strong point in.
The job may not pay as much as you would like, however there is a way to possibly excell so much due to your passion that you become much needed and wanted due to your passion. Here's my own example. I've gone to Doctors who are only doing this vocation because of the money. They have no real interest in each individual they see. I have also been to doctors who are passionate about doctoring and helping people overcome illness and even a step further, give advice how to avoid having the same issues in the future. Those Drs are much fewer. Unfortunately, these good Drs. moved out of my area. They were so popular due to how their passion affected their job that they got offers elsewhere for more because a person truly passionate and not faking it for the job, is truly rare and they can get offered jobs of better position and pay.

This rarely happens a year or two out of college but is more likely when a person has first taken jobs where they can use their passions. I wish I'd known this when I was younger or I might have become a horticulturist. At this point in my life, I am just happy being a grandmother and using my nurturing passion with grandchildren.

I am sure there are some administrative jobs that one can get into shortly after getting your college degree. But if I ask myself if I needed to do hiring for such a position, would I want someone with both the book learning and the experience in a similar type position already so their abilities are proven or would I prefer to hire someone with only the degree. If you are truthful with yourself, you'll know that the one with some experience is going to be a better candidate. That may mean that no matter how much someone likes you, that could be a deciding factor. I may be really wrong but I am going based off of how I would feel if I was looking to hire for an administration job. I can't be that different from everyone else out there.

This might help you. Start making a list of all the different passions one needs to make a better than average administrator.

You could even go ask the school counselors for job search tips and see what they have to say.

Just using my imagination, so these may not apply, you decide....but I am guessing that the wanted job might require:

A person who loves organizing. You know this is a passion if there is nothing left to organize in your place and you offer to organize friends homes or closets for free simply because you enjoy it.

Someone who enjoys multitasking and is good at it. In fact, the more you juggle, the happier you are instead of stressed.
Great at communication skills, both verbal and written.
Dependable to be there. Instead of excuse to stay home because you aren't quite feeling well, as long as its nothing contagious, you prefer to go do your job so your focus is off how you feel and on the job.

A mind like a mini computer, able to hold all sorts of important bits of info both that which pertain to the job and those that don't such as names and pertinent information on the people you administrate over. If you are able to pick up on others strengths and passions and suggest or assign them tasks they'd be good at, it makes for the job place being more successful overall.

Having a good balance of ability to be kind and understanding with also firm and able to carry out whatever tasks most would hate doing.

I am sure there's more. But any job, even if you feel its not related to administrating, but will showcase your drive, zeal and passions, is a good job for a resume and possibly having a better chance at getting the position you want.
Having had a good boss who is willing to sing your praises, not to help you in the job hunt, because of course they are losing you, but because they see how valuable you are and want others to know it.

I don't think that people who were nominated for the Nobel peace prize were people who lacked passion drive, zeal for their work, because that usually makes a person find a way to excel and go beyond the basics, improve and make something better. I have my own example again. When I was young and simply a file clerk in an insurance company, every 3 months we would pick a few days to start purging the files of older claims already settled as there was no longer a need to store them. They had no way of determining which to pull except for opening each briefly to look if it could be pulled. Without doing so, the drawers got so full that no new folders could be added. It was a monumental task that took so long that after doing it their way once, I came up with a color code system and each folder got a different tag of colored paper or felt pen mark near the tab. After maybe 6 months, in looking for extra work for me to do, my boss called on me and gave me tasks to do and all of them were things I had already improved on my own without them having to ask me. ONe was the filing system. When I told her I already had created a system for purging files months ago, she looked astounded and wanted to see. There was nothing else she could ask me to do to improve things in my realm, as I had already done them all on my own. This is the kind of thing people look for, someone who can improve on whats already going on. I hope my rambling has helped you somehow.

And now an article that covers some of what I said

How Passion for your job can lead to success

http://itmanagersinbox.com/1559/how-passion-for-your-job-can-lead-to-success/

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I've been feeling really off about things that happened in my childhood. I'm trying to talk to my therapist about these things, but as an 18 year old who is basically supposed to be over it by now, I just want to understand if I'm invalidating myself or overreacting.

My dad was an alcoholic until I was 13. He drank a lot, and my parents fought a lot. I remember all the times I cried as a kid (younger than 8) because of the fighting. I remember it being bad, but never ever did he lay a hand on me.

My mom, especially when I was 12, turned cruel. She got angry at me for no reason over small things. I remember 3 times in one week when she would lower her voice and come up to me and say, "I'm not very happy with you right now." It would send chills down my spine. I actually remembered the time when she called me a b****. I was 12, and it stung. I cried. That wasn't the first time. She grounded me because I forgot a pair of gloves at school, and she once told me to eat s***. When she found out I started self harming, she mocked me and yelled at me all while threatening to send me away. She yelled, "What do you do-- cut yourself then go on twitter, upload pictures and say, "I won't stop cutting myself until you follow me?!" I remember that very clearly. She also used my religion against me. She made me SWEAR on the Bible like they do in court trials that I would never cut myself again or else the both of us would go to hell. She yelled at me and told me to do this and got angry when I would pause because I was crying so much. Instead of helping me, she pushed me away farther.

My mom never had a mom (or dad) around to show her how to actually be a mom. A good one, at least. I get that no parental figure can make it worse, but I don't think that what she said to my siblings when they were younger was good either. She would threaten and hit them.

I remember the times when she hit me, too. Not across the face. My sister and I were fighting and we kept calling my mom at work because of it, and my mom came home and hit the both of us because she was so mad. I was younger than 8.

I think I just answered my own question, but I'm still not sure. Doesn't abuse have to be constant? Was this even abuse?

Thanks.

I back up everything Adviceman said. I suffered mental/emotional abuse as well, however not as a child. It was from the man I married at age 20. As he grew older, the abuse increased. I had my faith and God and that helped keep me pretty much on an even keel emotionally. However, as you now know, it is a very stressful thing to your body and stress has to go somewhere. For me, the stress went to my body. I lived with almost daily tension headaches with a few migraine tossed in yearly. I got all over body stress rashes and those are itchy. I also got stomach ulcers at one point. I don't even like the photos of me back then. NOw that I am healed, I can look and see how my pain and suffering showed on my face. But I needed professional help. When I finally decided to leave that situation, friends out of state said they'd take me in. He had just retired from being a counselor and since I had no job or money with the moving, he counseled me for free, but it was all the same as a currently licensed person. It helped me greatly. It doesn't matter if it happens to you when you are a child or as an adult, mental abuse is still abuse. But I now see myself as stronger because of it. It takes a strong person to be willing to fight for becoming the best person they can possibly be instead of giving up and becoming like your abusers. SO you haven't merely survived it, you are an over-comer, not just a survivor.

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When come me money .

Your question isn't very clear. It sounds like you are asking when you will be receiving money. From where do you expect to receive money? Was any promised to you? Under what circumstances, like an inheritance, a loan with the bank, a paycheck you did not receive from work? We have no clue. Sorry

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I don’t know why I’m so picky and shallow when it comes to guys. So this is part 2 to my “how today I approach this guy?” Question. But anyways do you have any tips on how to stop being shallow? There’s a guy who I think he’s really cute and really nice but the problem is every time I contemplated on talking to him my mind just started picking out unattractive qualities to get me to not even try to strike up a conversation like “oh he’s not tall enough or his voice is too deep” “or he’s not even that cute” even though in reality I don’t care if he’s that tall as long as he’s taller than me (which he is by like 3 inches) and I don’t care if his voice is that deep just as long as it’s not annoying. but now that I didn’t talk to him due to my mind saying these things and the shyness it’s been bugging me all week and I think I blew my chances cause I don’t think I’m gonna see him again for awhile so any tips? My standards aren’t even high either as long as you have a personality that I can vibe with and I find you physically attractive then it’s fine

I'd like to go over describing your choice of words and share what I think of them first
I see Picky as fault-finding,not easily content. A positive way to look at it is what you find acceptable and not settling for less.
To me shallow would mean lacking mental depth, usually disapproving. A positive to replace that would is to be self confident, knowing what you want and not afraid to ask for it. That is something I had to learn in life so I am glad to share it with you.
Too many women have no way of measuring the value of a guy, looking beyond his physical looks to who he is much deeper, his personality and character. I wasn't 'picky' enough the first time around and got divorced but not until almost 30 miserable years later. I do not wish you to suffer the same or never finding someone. Don't worry about having blown your chances. Chances are probably still there and you can write me again after you read this next part of how I learned to find Mr. Right. I actually was told from God to make a very specific list of what I need and what I want. It helped me to not be afraid of being thought of as too picky and shallow. The only ones who called me that were guys who could not meet my criteria. I will now post those instructions I have as a saved doc.

First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, to really describe yourself, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. Or hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.

So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?

I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.

Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.

Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. This helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....

Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.

The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the critieria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.

I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Hope this helps you. This is a lot said and yet there is so much more detail to share. So ask me if you have questions.

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I don’t really have any confidence in myself but in the summer at my job there was this really cute guy who came up to me and introduced himself I thought it was so sweet because the only other people that did were the managers, I kind of had to figure everyone else’s name. I brushed it off as him being nice, then the second time in the summer he came up to me and said hi and asked what my name was cause (my name is different so it’s hard to remember) and then when his shift was over he tapped my shoulder to say bye. Again I thought he was just being friendly and that’s his personality. But today was the first time I saw him since summer time (we never got scheduled the same days ever since school started back). He didn’t say hi to anybody he looked at me but I didn’t say hi to him cause I thought he forgot about me but noticed he would give glances here and there. He didn’t talk to anyone except the managers so either it’s cause he didn’t know anyone at the shift (I only knew him, the manager and one other girl out of the 7 people on the shift) or he’s not as outgoing and friendly as I thought. When his shift was over he didn’t say bye to anyone he just left and I noticed he was still in the waiting room so I assumed he was waiting for his ride. But then 2 hours later my shift ended and I noticed he was still there and when I looked he was staring straight at me and then I clocked out got my things to order something and I noticed he moved from sitting really far away to sitting right beside where I was ordering something and again he didn’t say anything. I know what you’re thinking “why didn’t you talk to him since he didn’t talk to you?” Cause like I said in the beginning I don’t think he remembers me and I’m not confident in myself at all. I really do hope we get scheduled together again, I don’t know what the odds of that happening are cause this was my week off from school but maybe I’ll have the courage to talk to him if I ever do.I feel so stupid that I couldn’t even say a simple hi any advice? I’m 19 by the way I don’t know how old he is but since he was working the night shift and he looks older I’m assuming he’s around my age ( his birthday is on Sunday I couldve asked but you see my dilemma)

Since you responded in the rating section and it is the next day, I can still revise what I wrote you--took it all out to post what you are asking for. Keep in mind next time, it's better when you post your response by going to the advice persons own column by looking up their name (mine is Dragonflymagic) and clicking on the button to ask a question. That is the only way we can respond if we don't happen to look at our column for 24 hrs and then its too late. There are so many I have not been able to answer their question after my 1st response.

Now on to self confidence and I will follow with tips on starting and keeping a conversation going

Since I have much to share, I'll try to condense it and if you need more clarification, go to my column and ask from there.

In a womans magazine I saw an article on a way to boost ones self confidence. It takes very little to get it started, like a jump start for car battery. Once its running, you keep it running till its fully charged. For myself, having success in one little area of myself was the jump start to my confidence. It sounds silly but heres what I read. Focus on something about you that you believe stands out, is pretty or charming. It could be your laugh, sense of humor, how you dress, your body shape, or just your hair, your eyes or shape of your lips. For me, I had enough confidence inside that I thought my eyes were pretty and expressive. Thats what you're looking for. It wont be something you are getting compliments from others on. Next think of a celebrity who comes close to reminding you of lets say your eyes, as thats what I did. Once you've told your mind that you are similar enough or quite the same in that one thing, next picture yourself entering a room, a building looking totally like that celeb. with the confidence they carry with them and the attraction and interest they garner in people. I thought it was silly but didn't cost anything and Was surprised to see how well it worked. I'd chosen my eyes. Immediately men and women, even strangers would stop me and comment that I had the prettiest eyes they'd ever seen or simply I had beautiful eyes. I wasn't even wearing makeup when I got these compliments. Once I had the success of people noticing me for my eyes, it's like that opens a door for your self confidence to grow in other areas. In human nature, people pick up more on what they can't see, like radio waves, but in this case its self confidence and that is attractive to everyone but especially to males. You might think its more about self esteem, but unless your thought life is putting yourself down constantly with no stop ever, it's more of self confidence. Surprisingly it only takes this one little success to grow in confidence to be able to talk to people.
Try it and let me know the results.

Next are tricks on how to start conversation with people.
I did say that the majority of people are friendly and won't find it odd to have a stranger start a conversation, complimenting, asking a question or making a comment.

Don't walk up to someone without at least two things in mind that you could say. In your case, you have seen him before but not really had any in depth conversation. A good way to start is to acknowledge the obvious since you don't have any other thing to start off with, especially if you don't know the persons name and can't simply greet them by name and ask how they are doing. It won't sound lame to him but instead he'll be relieved you started the conversation. So for him, try, "Hey I've seen you before at _______ and we never really talked. So I wanted to introduce myself and thought maybe we could chat a bit so that next time we see each other, it doesn't feel so awkward recognizing each other but not knowing each other." I have stated that very thing in similar or same words to plenty of people and no one seems to think it odd. I had to start all those conversations too. Now, every time this one guy sees me at Starbucks, he will come up and start conversation first but I spoke first acknowledging I saw him practically every day and that it looked like he was studying something. That was enough for him to tell me what he was studying for to get into a job he wanted. It just takes breaking the ice for others. If you wait for them to do it first, then you will wait forever because my guess is that 9 out of 10 will not start conversation first. that's from my experience. It doesn't matter after your first comment who starts sharing about themselves first. But if they don't start, try not to talk about yourself first. People think you are a better conversationalist when you ask them questions that get them talking about themselves. If you can't think of any, let me know and I can send those questions in a list and how you can learn about a persons character by how they answer those 5 or so questions.

While they are talking, show interest with eye focus, smiles for encouragement and nods of your head and one word verbal acknowledgements as they speak, "yes, ahuh, really? wow! oh dear," This makes the other person feel you value, understand, believe the same or have similar experience, or have interest in the same topic and makes them want to talk all the more. At some point most will stop and ask you a question or ask you to share. THis is of course for people you don't really know, even if you've seen them plenty before. No convo or sharing means you don't really know until you do.
For anyone else, you know or don't know, females included, a tap on the shoulder or excuse me will get their attention and pay them a compliment to get conversation started. Or greet those you know by name. People like it when you remember their name. If you have trouble with that, I use tricks to remember a persons name. Let me know if you need that list too.

For anyone, not just a guy you're interested in, practice talking to others by either complimenting them or asking a question.
Men like compliments too, they may not show it in ways you can pick up but they are beaming inside and relishing every moment of a compliment or even a hearty laugh in response to something he said. Guys seem to love being able to get a female to laugh. I know how rewarding it feels to me when I can make others laugh.
Tips to keep a conversation going:
It helps to really listen and remember what others are saying because you can base the next thing you say on something they said that brought a memory back to you. Lets say a friend is telling you about all the stuff they did last weekend and it included going to a you-pick Blackberry farm. If you have any experience going to any you pick farms, you can tell them about that, you could ask where it was located and how much it cost, or I would be focusing on the word Blackberry (my true life example) and share a story from older childhood when too young to baby sit but wanting to earn money, I'd go to pick coffee can's full of Blackberries that grew along the abandoned railroad tracks and how I'd go door to door asking if they wanted to buy a can full for a dollar. Yep, that was long ago but a dollar was a good reward and would buy a lot more back then. Even if you don't personally have a story but have read a story related to, share it, or maybe it the experience of someone else who once told you and you don't share any name but just tell their story anonymously. I still after years and years use this way to keep conversations going. If you are asking friends something, and don't want the conversation to end after they answer your question, remember there are open ended as well as closed ended questions. Here's an example:

Close ended:Did you have a good weekend? They will answer yes or no. Many stop right there and won't go on to elaborate what they did unless you ask. You can ask them though.

A better way to ask is 'So, what did you do this weekend?' Notice that question can not be answered with a yes or no, that is an open-ended question. You want to choose carefully how to ask them something because if they have yes or no answers, there is no information you can glean from that to base your next story on. But if they describe their weekend, you have a better chance of finding a word or a subject from it to use as a spring-board for the next thing you speak about.

This is all that I do, there is nothing else and I have found I don't need any other tricks to start or keep a conversation going. So Pay attention to what they talk about and seek a related word or subject to base the next thing you say off of. Its quite natural and does not come across as contrived or awkward. Here's an example of using something a person said to make a joke/be funny.

I once worked in fast food and it was slow at the moment and somebody was complaining about the cost of their apt rent being so expensive. That got a guy to mention he used to have to pay big bucks for a tiny studio. He wanted to feel like he had a 2nd room in there and his closet was huge so he put his bed in there to have the feel of a bedroom. I thought that was funny, and while someone else made a comment, my mind was whirling to see if I could say something related to what he said. The words Bed and closet stood out so I made a joke and said, So if a friend called and asked if you were up yet, you could actually answer with, 'I haven't come out of the closet yet.' Which would be true but that is a term gay people use for whether they have shared their sexual orientation yet with family and friends or not. All of them got it and they were laughing hard. I did this on purpose because people need more to smile or laugh about. Hope this helps. Again, if you need to contact me and ask for more clarification on something, please go to my column and use the contact button to write to me from there and that way you won't end up having a possibility of not hearing back again.

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My 53 year old husbands sex addiction is killing me.Over the years Ive dealt with secret email accounts to chat inapropriately with a woman he knows, he even took me to an auction at her home and I had no idea who he was talking to. I blew up at home. He texts female coworkers excessively and has many lunches with them. Not wearing his wedding ring, hiding video cameras (finding several tapes of him with ex girlfriends and myself),We were all taped without our knowledge. I asked him to stop hiding cameras and I threw them all in the trash when I found them, gobs of video equipment! Just last month he ordered another camera and I took a hammer to it.He tried to lie and said he ordered it for his son, he even texted his son to head me off. He has downloaded about 500,000 photos (not kidding) of nude women in the years weve been together (calls it art). He was giving sex advice online As a woman to other women for about a year. He was messaging a 19 year old girl a few years ago and giving her Christmas, birthday, and baby shower gifts, I knew nothing about these gifts or her. He ate lunch at her restaurant every day and when she quit he visited her at her new job. He writes to young women on Craigslist on missed connections. His sons 25 y/o ex girlfriend (who my husband met twice) is friends with him on facebook. He likes all her statuses and comments on them. Yesterday she posted that some creeper posted about her with her full name on missed connections wanting to care for her and take her to dinner. It read like many of my husbands previous posts. I looked at the computer history and THERE IT WAS, a login to Craigslist the day it was posted. I confronted him, he denied it and it was deleted first thing this morning when he went to work.I could go on, but I feel more ashamed the more I type. My life is wrapped up in this 14 year relationship. NO ONE in our social circle knows what Ive had to endure. They think we are this awesome couple. Im tired, depressed, and lost. I am 40 years old and I figure Im getting too old for him. He is obsessed with 20 somethings. I just wish he knew how pathetic it is being 53 and in the shape he is in. 90% of the time he treats me beautifully by the way which makes it incredibly hard to contemplate leaving. I tell him Im always waiting for something else bad to happen and suck the life from my lungs. I do have a rock bottom but he hasn't hit it yet. Will he ever age out of this?? BTW, I have never cheated or done anything inapropriate. Thanks!

Men like adviceman and my husband are the good husbands who really love their wives and would never consider doing anything that hurts them. If by chance I start crying due to frustration over something that has nothing to do with my husband, he is quick to ask whats wrong and if he unintentionally said or did something that caused those tears.
So I will start here, with just how much he loves you. I have a simple quiz where based on how you can answer questions about what holds true for your man, to realize where his love falls on a scale. One of the answers is "He loves you enough to satisfy himself, so if its enough for you, stay and live with it or leave if not good enough. Not encouraging you to leave that easily. It takes cooperation of both working together. So if he is willing to save the marriage, he will go to therapy with you.

I agree that therapy can help. You may be overwhelmed and feel depressed by your situation but I am thinking of couples marriage therapy and with a section of going over how to share in depth with each other, every little thing about your wants and desires and even your fantasies about sex so that you can have the most satisfying sex for both of you.

I have to admit that when you stated your husband has a sex addiction and I read all you shared, yes, on the surface it sounds like a sex addiction indeed. However I have learned much through experiences with my first marriage. IN short, I can tell you that one consistent thing I see in all that you wrote is that he lies, chooses not to disclose or reveal anything, every done in secret and being dishonest and covering up his dealings and not talking to you about anything of this. This is a big character flaw. I am willing to bet it was there when you two first met but you didn't see it then. That happened to me with first husband. I didn't notice his major relationship destroying flaws until we were into the marriage for a little while. I was willing to go to therapy with my ex but the issue was his not believing there was anything wrong with him, that the problems were all mine. And in fact he even told a pastor who later told me that my husband felt I was the problem. The pastor could see by how I treated others that I wasn't the problem though. We were a mismatch in many ways, things that can't be fixed by therapy. There are many things we can be doing that aren't the best ways of handling things in a relationship. Mine was making excuses for his behavior.
Although there is such a thing as sex addiction, it has to be confirmed by a licensed therapist, psychologist. My problem was being sexually mismatched with my ex. Married young, we had no idea that we did not really create desire in each other simply as we were. My current husband for example is so enamored of everything about me that just listening to my voice telling a story, or playing with my hair is enough to turn on him, for me... not for some other women. According to him, I have the body and looks that he always dreamed of having in a mate from a young boy onwards although I am his second marriage also. He simply couldn't be interested sexual in any other and that I accredit to having found each others perfect sexual match. Men are sexually aroused by what they see. So what adviceman said about his wife allowing him to look at other women is a woman who understands, you don't want a husband who doesn't look at women, he might be gay if he doesn't. Does my husband look at photos on line sometimes? Yeah he has a little like when I have been sick for a prolonged time since we have sex basically on the average every other day. He though had volunteered to show me the few photos he saved which he says all reminded him of how I looked and I had to admit on seeing them, it was true. There can always be some compromising. When I asked if it was really just nude pics of me he'd rather have, he said yes. I have posed at home for him many times and he was his own file he looks at when he feels the need but that doesnt mean he then neglects me. I am sharing this to show that it is possible to find a compromise that works for both sexually.
There is another thing to consider hon. I know and share with others that a solid foundation to every couple relationship is two things: being each others best friend and secondly each others sexual equal. It may be that he loves you as his best friend, and he enjoys the sex with you but it doesn't fulfill him as the friendship part does. He may not have been willing to share his deepest secrets and desires regarding sex and just decided to do so without informing or doing behind your back. That is wrong. Either sex therapy can help if he's willing and you are too. If you are not as adventurous sexually with him, then that may have led to him going this way over time although that still is not right and doesn't explain all his behavior. If he was like this from the moment you two met, then I am more inclined to believe its an addiction. If it has developed over time only during your marriage, then it may be a combo of both addiction and lack of communication and compromise, not something entirely your or his fault. As the saying goes, it takes two to tango and I know I played a part in issues as a couple in first marriage although more of the problems lay with the ex. He just isn't capable as a person of being more than he is and the more time goes by, with all his failed subsequent relationships, I know that he is not evolved enough to be handle to handle a relationship. So all you can do is talk to him and let him know you care about him, and compliment on some things you like about him but add that the sex issues and the secrecy of it all is something that needs couple therapy. If he refuses, and you've made any ultimatum that he gets therapy and works with you to get better and learn some very important relationship skills that are currently lacking, then you need to be willing to back up that ultimatum and get leave him, a separation. Sometimes thats enough for a guy to know you were serious and realize he doesnt want to lose his wife and be ready to comply. In my case, it wasn't enough to get him to even try, so I did leave after my ultimatum. If he doesn't care whether you leave, then maybe as last possibility, you stay and just live with it all or leave. If this helps you to decide, Heres something I asked myself and it may give you perspective if he doesnt want to change for you.
I asked myself if I could put up with this for another day. Sure, easy, I do it all the time. Another week, or month. Sure but I don't like it. Could I stand another year of the same without any improvement, well maybe--if I just keep looking at getting by day to day. Then I asked myself if I could stand it as is, no change for 10 more years. That's when I felt anxiety build in me. I couldn't answer but asked myself if I could handle 20 more years or the rest of my life with things as they currently were. And immediately I broke down crying knowing that I truly would never be happy if I stayed. I had been using a coping mechanism by telling myself to go through just one day at a time as I had always done for almost 30 years. In some circumstance, like finishing college, it is a coping thing that can help you get through, knowing theres an end in sight eventually. But when considering a lifetime of something that will be with you to the day you die, it can help clarify whether you really can handle it and be content with the status of the relationship or whether you feel you're settling for less and should leave and find someone who really does appreciate and love you and have that healthy sex life. Don't think you're too old in case the worst comes true. If you have to start over, I used on line dating and put a list of criteria in my profile a guy had to meet before I would even meet for a face to face coffee meet for first time. I was 50 and my second husband 49 when we met. This summer makes it 9 years together. I learned what I did not want which made it easier to ask for and insist on what I want, no excuses. And I got it after 2 years of dating sites and probably 2 hundred guys writing to me. Most revealed enough for me to see the potential problems and issues as a psychologist might see in you depending on what they hear from your mouth. So don't give up. Do your best to save the marriage and if he won't work to get better, then start over. No need to be alone. It doesn't matter at what age you finally learn how to find the right guy, as long as you take what you learned, don't repeat your mistakes and enjoy your future.

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I met this guy and we hungout and hooked up. We hangout so naturally like we've known eachother for a while but only met a few times. And were both very easy going. We hookedup and it was so much fun and really good. The next day we were texting eachother and something brought it up and he said "id do it again.. but we have to be careful. I don't think we should do it more than twice so no one grows attachment" I'm mostly asking for a mans perspective but I would greatly accept a womans too. But is he saying this cause he thinks I will get attached or he thinks he can see himself getting attached? Cause we both agreed we don't want to be in relationships right now. I don't do hookups very often. And he's the first one I've continued to talk to after. Is that normal to put a limit like that? Thanks in advance for all the advice.

I will share something from a book I read on the differences between men and women in relationships. I know there are exceptions to the general rules and behaviors, I am one of them but this does hold true for most.

For example, regarding sex:

" For men, its a physical act that can lead to an emotional bond but they often seek sex just for the sake of sex. For women, the emotional bond is tied into the physical act and seen as a way of securing the wanted relationship."

I have had those for whom 'hooking up' meant sex and others for whom it meant closeness, kisses, cuddles, no sex, and just hanging out.
I know that when there is sex involved, or even the stuff of prelude to sex, foreplay, even just kisses and cuddles--intimate stuff, women seem to include this all as much as having had sex so the same holds true.
Your guy may not understand the whys of the dynamics here, but he has formed an assumption due to life experiences with other women where they seem to get emotionally attached to men too easily. Yes, women instead of having a strong self esteem, seem to think they can find it outside of themselves in the shape of a man who pays any kind of attention to them. Thus it is easy to fall in love with a man who unknowingly gives them something they have lacked thus far, for example a good listening ear and understanding person. And so a guy who has only talked to a woman but is for real wanting to but has no romantic interest, can find a woman has fallen for him. That happened to me once. After two months of a guy paying me the kind of supportive attention and conversation with compliments, we actually both fell in love. There was no sex until later and sex was not what helped us fall in love. IN the end it didn't turn out as his ex wanted to try again and he went back to her .
YOur guy is being truthful as to where he is at present, not ready to end up in a committed relationship. He is only happy with a friends with benefits type of thing. But since in the past, the benefits part may have caused too many females to think they were in love or really fall for him, it could easily explain why he is not wanting to 'do it' whatever 'IT' was for you, for than twice.
If he is truly single and simply a healthy man with a good sex drive, he limits his attractions to women to lasting only a short time before moving on to someone else. Or he may rotate thru a long list of woman over and over like those movies of men with their little black book of phone numbers (before cell phones) with nothing but numbers of female bootie calls. I am not putting you down if this is what you want and I have in fact had a friend with benefits in the past. It lasted about 3 months until I found a guy who ended up being my current bf at which point the friend with benefits thing ended.

I wouldn't think your guy fears himself getting attached. Through history, there have been enough men who avoided commitment for various reasons, perhaps parents failed marriage or too many friends relationships breaking up. They resign themselves to only enjoying females as temporary social companion to events and for the sex. I have had sex for sex sake just as a man might, without getting attached. I needed more in common than just sex and a nice person to fall in love. There had to be enough in their personality of how they live their life, their beliefs and and other things in common and how they treat me like a Queen on a pedestal, for me to fall in love. Money has no part in that for me Its what money can't buy. So, I've gone over a reason for why your guy is afraid of attachment forming. His idea works for him. But there is another possibility as you didn't state for sure how well you know this guy and for how long, but it is possible he is not single but has a commitment to a female already whether girlfriend, or wife. You may have just been his little bit of extra on the side. And he knows that if he lets it go on too long that the chances of you being found out by his gf/wife, all the more likely. So he is trying to play it safe.
I met guys on a dating site. I was very picky and didn't even meet for just a face to face at a coffee shop unless the guy sounded promising. Even then, I knew if he wasn't truly honest, it was a matter of time before he messed up and revealed something he didn't want me to know. I met a guy who was married but presented himself as single but when it seemed I was not 100% interested due to not being sure of him, he revealed the story of his wife being very ill and can't have sex and so he's trying to get it outside of marriage. I knew a couple where the guy had heart problems and more and sex wasn't an option but he allowed his wife to have a guy for sex. I met them and the guy. THis is for real. Sometimes a person can care enough about their partner and their needs and do such a selfless thing. So I asked him if it was true, then I'd like to meet his wife and get her okay to do so. He said he didn't want to risk losing her, she wouldn't understand, so he wanted to do so in secret but that he loved her as she was also his best friend, just the sex was missing. He would never leave her. Am I okay with sex only. Such a situation depends on the person. Some women are okay with that, I was not, unless there was agreement for such an arrangement with the married couple. Another guy mentioned doing some reconstruction of his home so he couldn't invite me over. I said the last bf had me help with measuring wood to be cut, help him hold wood still, help painting and staining and hammering, all under his instructions so I told him it didn't have to be finished, I was willing to come over in the next couple weekends to help. When I got on line that evening to send an email to thank him for meeting me and say I was looking forward to help, he'd taken his dating profile off the same day, thus telling me he hadn't thought things through and just wanted an affair but since theres a wife at home, he couldn't agree to have me come over. So hon, it may not be true for him but I just want to let you know its a possibility.

It really depends on what you want right now in life, to play around with whomever asks, be booty call, just a social companion with little or no sex, friends with benefits, or do you have somewhere deep inside the hope and dream to have one man someday in love and totally devoted to only you, from the inside out, not just your looks, do you want commitment, to grow old together with someone, have kids together? Everyone is at a different place in life and for some any of that is okay, not for others. So it depends on what you want dear. Solidify that ideal on paper or pc, in a list of exactly what you want in a guy and compare every guy with that list. It might sound crazy and a couple of guys got angry with me for having my criteria, especially if they couldn't say they could meet it all. But it sure helped give me perspective when I met good looking guys, even well off ones but they didn't meet my criteria. I do have a document that explains this all called HOw to find Mr. Right. If you ever decide you want one and only for yourself and are ready to search for him, then write to my column and ask me for it. Hookups are fine if you are okay with just that and nothing more and no promise of the hookups being the same person long term. Just decide what you want and honor where he is at. IF what you want and what he currently want is at odds, then there is no reason to stay with him hoping for the next hookup.

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Hi, I really need your help. my boyfriend and I have been together for one year plus. he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I recently lied to him about going to school when i wasn't. i am in school is just that i took one semester off to take care of some personal things and i didn't tell him about it. he is so pissed right now and he hasn't answered my calls since 3 days ago. i really need to know what he is thinking. should i show up at his place? what should i do. cause i cant afford to lose him. before this we have had no problems..

This will be long as I want to take opportunity to do teaching in my sharing with you.

HI. I would like to explain lots first so you can understand why he is upset with you in the first place. This knowledge may help you during the process in which you get back in his good graces again. The biggest thing is to understand where he is coming from. Since I don't know him, I can only give examples of how others may be affected in the same.

I do not think lying is a good choice at all but we all do at some point or another, especially what we consider to be white lies, no cover up of something bad we did. However, no matter what kind of lie and for whatever reason a person lies, the result is the same, ones mate will think twice before deciding whether they can trust you again. Yes, lying can break trust between two people and once broken, it is not an instant repair overnight. It will take a couple months at the very least, of 'consistent' good wanted behavior in a mate to realize they learned their lesson and will never repeat. That isn't the case for many humans. There is no desire to be real and trustworthy with a partner when its all about what you get from them and you don't want anything in return and its easy for a person to discard someone because they never really cared.
Your guy being upset shows that he cares deeply about you or he wouldn't be so hurt. I may as well add this in, something about understanding males that can help here. You can't erase what you did but you can make that appear minor when compared to doing the opposite action consistently forever.
Men like to feel needed and wanted. The want is easy. You are drawn to his good looks and want him. But men still want to feel needed. They aren't much different than women, at least the good guys worth holding onto as you state he is. So this kind a guy needs to be needed. The need are varied from help opening a jar, a door for you, carrying things for you, building something or creating something for you or even as simple as being a listening ear for you and willing to share encouraging and supportive words to help you through a hard time.
I do not know what your “personal matters” were. No matter how simple, or complex, or even embarrassing, when you choose a person to date, it is usually with hopes for a long term relationship. Even if a relationship does not work and must end, the next person is always one you will hope can end up a long term relationship whether through marriage or not. Kids play at tending a baby ( a doll) making pretend food, keeping house, long before they ever have a home of their own. There are things that can be learned in the 'before' time, the play for kids but in relationships, I like to think of it as the practice time for a long term relationship. If you can't or won't show the needed and desirable behavior while dating, then you probably won't during a marriage either. How many people do you really think can act like two singles in a couple relationship, as far as their every day life and future plans, and then after the wedding ceremony, switch instantly to acting like a team, a couple with two sets of ideas, plans and such that require compromise, trust, and the wonderful gift of being allowed to be your partners help meet. So your guy may have taken this more seriously than others may have, and that might indicate how much he cared. One can't be hurt if they didn't care about the person they feel wronged by. I have had every family member, parents and siblings except one, all stop talking to me for waayy longer than just 3 days, think more like months and close to a year. I was not at fault but they all had a preconceived idea of how I was supposed to act or respond and when I did not do as they had hoped, they became upset with me. I periodically tried to contact them and if they hung up, I knew they weren't over being mad at me. So I let time go by without worrying. They are family and family loves each other. I knew they'd come around. One of the times I tried contact with each one, I did not bring up the past, since they had been wrong but just spoke of other stuff and no one ever apologized. In your case, even if you still don't see how bad a choice you made with him, he might need an apology but not before he is ready. I can't say how long it will be but its only been 3 days. With a different guy, it may not have been such a big deal, and likely would also reflect how deeply he cares. People don't like lies and dishonesty done to them but have no trouble doing it to others. A human fault I suppose but challenge yourself to rise above that mentality. Also try to think of yourself as a couple in training for marriage. Sure there are still adjustments and things to learn together for the rest of ones life but it should be the minor, and finer things, not the really biggies like trust, dependability, willing to talk things out, willing to compromise, etc. These are the things to know beyond the shadow of doubt that is present for sure in your relationship, something you know will still be there in 10 yrs, 25 yrs.
Give him a few more days. Meanwhile, write out a letter of what you want to say to him in person. Something like this, should be done in person if he allows you to. Take a card with the letter in it along with you in case when you see him, he is still angry and won't talk or says it's over. Don't freak out. Remain calm and hand him the letter with all you wanted to say, explain and apologize that is in it. Let him know you understand he is too upset with you to talk. But when he does get to a point of being ready, (don't say when you get over it, makes his feelings sound trivial) you would like to ask him to read the letter you've written him which is everything you wanted to say in person. Being ready to at least listen to you doesn't mean he isn't still angry or upset. If he is too stiff and unwilling to bend (which couples have to be) and forgive and be willing to rebuild trust, share what exactly bothered him and how it hurt him, only then can you know what to avoid in the future. At this point I am not even talking of lying but anything each of you might say or do to the other that is innocent and nothing entirely bad but something about it upsets the other, then one needs to be able to explain but in the right way and the other willing to adapt, change a bit so they don't hurt their mate again. I have the perfect example I read about once. A husband who loved to show his love by touch, whether arm around the should, playing with her hair which was okay with her, or the more racy caress of her butt or a quick fondle of her chest. She was okay with it in private, at home but she did not want an audience. He thought because it was okay at home, she'd welcome it anywhere. One time he grabbed her butt quickly while out in a public place where there were other people, she got tires in her eyes. Immediately he wanted to know what upset her. (So he could be of help) She told him she loves how he shows his love and desire by touching her throughout the day. But he had began doing so in public areas when other people were present who could see and it upset her because she wasn't into PDA's unless people weren't around, like if they were alone on a park trail. What she did right is not say so in a way that made him think she was rejecting his way of showing love, his love language, but sharing what part of what he did had affected her negatively. He promised to never do so again. And as of the writing of that article, he still never had done that again. This is the kind of talking and sharing a couple needs to do so misunderstandings don't fester into being upset, resentful or just plain angry. So much of problems can be fixed by good communication, willing to forgive, willing to make choices that don't jeopardize trust. Hope this all helps you dear. If you had anything too embarrassing or too personal to you like lets say a surgery you needed and time to recover from it, You could still reveal not being at school and having to be away for personal situation for a while, something you don't feel comfortable revealing, then at least you have not lied about where you are, only with held the details which is okay with lots more people, though curiosity will still kill them!

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Please don’t answer if you don’t believe in horoscope. We both are Scorpios but he was born in end of October and I was born in November. He split up with me because he said I kept pushing and pushing but he said we’re remain friends. He says he can’t give me things I want, I asked him if he will be jealous but he said he won’t because the new guy will give things that he couldn’t. He hardly texts and sees me once a week nowadays and we do make love when we see each other. Do scorpio guys fall out of love quick? He don’t say he loves me anymore as we’re friends now but always calls me pet names like darling, hon or baby like he used to call me when we’re going out. I still love him and I know he loves me too but he don’t show much. We were out for only few months and gotten really close and now nothing. What do I do? I do love him. In our early 30’s. Thanks

I think you may be referring to Astrology which is the system by which our personalities and who we are, are measured and true astrology relies on more than just your Sun sign, which you mention is Scorpio for him. I know someone who dabbles in astrology and have looked up details for me on a computer program for astrology. So also relevant is the place of birth, to the city or closest city in the world, and time of birth. It includes moon sign and many other things I couldn't begin to name as I don't have that background and training.
The reasons you stated for the break up are issues that more often than not, apply to couples no matter what their signs are. He obviously values you as a person if wanting to remain friends.
His citing that he can't give you the things you want is a valid point. It is something I try to explain in a document I've written on how to find Mr. Right or Ms. Right. This will explain how to make lists, taking notes of what traits you want and which you don't. It also covers what is a deal breaker quality which is a person doesn't have them, they are not the right fit for you. Apparently, he seems to think there are things about him that are not right for you, because they are not part of his personality and character. He may be right or may be mistaken. You however can't help explain to him unless you understand fully how to navigate this area of learning what each of you need and want. Need and want are two different things also explained in this document. If interested, go to my column and write to me from there, its the only way I can answer you again. If as you say, you love him, then it seems it might be a good idea to discover if he and you are truly on the same page about things that are important enough to matter to you. In case he is mistaken about what he insists he can't give you because he is picking up on things that are not really the issue, then its best to learn more. It is more habit that causes a person to use pet names or endearments, even when no longer together, especially if the two still care about each other on a friendly basis. It does not necessarily mean one is still in love. My 2nd husband for example has an ex wife who is a very needy person and all alone in a remote town as well. SO she calls sometimes because she is upset and needs someone to talk to. He will naturally call her hon or baby, same as he would his daughter when catching up with her. I know he is truly in love with me due to the lists and the things I told you about in how to find Mr. Right. You asked for those believing in astrology. How about belief in God because I got that info I am talking about from God when I was considering looking for a mate after a divorce. I was older and knew more what I want. YOu're the perfect age, at 30 is basically when people get to the point they decide what it is they want in life and decide who they really are and no longer want to live up to an image of who parents, friends or socially told them to be. If you do write me, refer to this as the horoscope message so I know who I am talking to. Blessings to you.

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So long story short me and this childhood friend have been friends since kindergarten but tbh the friendship may have ended in the 6th grade but it prolonged until grade 11 of high school because of how long we were friends. I’ll admit I was never a good friend to her at all in elementary school, i wanted to fit in with the cool crowd and since they didn’t like her I wanted to fit in so I’d spread her secrets. So as our friendship prolonged into highechool she stopped sharing secrets with me and started putting me down whenever she had the chance saying stuff like “we never wanted to invite you we just needed an extra person” she always treated me like a third friend in our friend group. So one day her and friend B got into a fight and she got mad at me for choosing friend B over her, when as you can see why would I choose her after how she’s been been treating me? Who I was in elementary school isn’t who I was in high school. So she eventually cut me and friend B off on bad terms. To this day I’m 19 now in my second year of university I don’t see her anymore thank goodness but just that friendship has been haunting me I want it to stop. She recently made a YouTube video about how her and friend Bs friendship had ended and briefly mentioned me in the video saying how I told her something that friend B said about her (she twisted the story but she didn’t say anything bad about me except saying that I liked to stir the pot). Any tips on how I can get this friendship to stop haunting me? I can’t reach out to her on social media, she blocked me on Twitter, she’ll prob block me on Instagram if I tried messaging her there. I also noticed that if I commented on a photo of someone she usually comments on on Instagram, she’ll only like the picture she won’t comment. and she’s pretty rude anyways she’ll probably make a video about how I’m trying to reach out to her. What can I do? I’m not the same person as I was back then, I don’t gossip because what’s the point? I don’t like drama and I watch what I say around others

I am not sure what exactly you are trying to get over. If you don't want to associate with her anymore, then don't. That is how you get over a friendship.
I must say that your ideas of friendship and mine are two very different things. Apparently, todays kids consider a person their friend if they are mean, say mean things, never apologize and do spiteful things to get back at others, etc...

My opinion is that this the way that people who don't like me or hate me will treat me. So of course I don't consider them friends.
I understand that it is important to not define a person by their past. Its who they are now that counts. So its good to hear you have matured. If you are willing to let this person go and not try to revive the friendship, then there is nothing you have to do. If it is guilt that is eating at you and making you feel you are not getting over that friendship, then maybe it is time for an apology.

I understand she may not be willing to accept one and keep blocking you. However, that does not make an apology invalid. The receiver of an apology has every right to accept or not accept it. The giver of an apology, if they are sorry for what they've done in the past, can benefit from simply feeling remorseful in their heart and that making them resolve to never treat others that way again. In the end, the only one who may keep hurting from hurts of the past is the one who refuses to accept an apology but just your heartfelt thoughts are enough to enable you to move on.
Don't let any rejection from her keep you stuck.
If you do want to rekindle the friendship,then instead of posting it which can come across as not truly meant or a chicken way to deal with it, best is to speak in person or in a phone call where the person can hear your voice. Or write her a note the old fashioned way apologizing. Do not expect an apology back from her. She may feel her ways of acting out and retaliating at you were deserved by you. Neither her nor you were blameless. Just apologize and give the note to a mutual friend or someone you know she currently hangs with, to hand deliver to her. Then you'll have done all you can do and its up to her to accept or reject.

Apparently guilt over our past can last a long time. I attended my 40th HS reunion this summer. One of the gals I spoke with, I didn't know as a friend. I had social anxiety and only a small group of friends. The first thing she said to me is that she feels badly for not reaching out to me as a friend. Then she mentioned she also had social anxiety when she was in school. I told her I understood because the social anxiety makes it hard to reach out and make friends. Who we are as kids or young people don't define who we are today. I told her I'd love to pick up at this point keeping in touch.
I don't know if you'll get a happy ending if wanting to continue the friendship. But you may have another chance if she attends the 10yr reunion at the worst case scenerio.
Good luck.

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Buckle up, this is quite the story.

14 year old female. Let's call the boy x and the girl y. I've been friends with x for a couple years now and started to like him. Y is the girl he has a crush on, and I found out.

So I became friends with Y in an attempt to see if she liked him back. I started up a conversation with Y and 3 of our mutual friends about boys. I told Y that I knew X had a crush on her. I was hoping for her to react negatively but instead she acts a bit positively. To make her creeped out, I told her that he keeps a journal about her, gets jelous whenever she talks to other guys, and basically stalks her. I'm close friends with this guy so they all knew that I would know. To prove he was stalking her I told her random yet detailed facts about her daily routine I figured out for myself and claimed I heard it from X.

I got the desired effect. She decided to avoid him.

I went over to X and said I could figure out if Y likes him back, and he told me to do so. The next day I told him that Y did like him back (lies) but she doesn't think he comes on strong enough. This resulted in him flirting with her a lot which only freaked her out more and turned all her friends against him-the desired effect.

On top of this, I forged a notebook in his handwriting similar to the one I described to Y and left it laying around near her. She picked it up and was totally freaked to know I was telling the truth.

So now she avoids him like a hawk and her friends tell him off if he goes anywhere close to her. She asked me to tell him to leave her alone. I went and told him she wants him to ask her out. He went and did it, and she rejected him rather harshly, even with all the stuff I got her believing.

I thought this would give me the opportunity to pick him up, but instead he's been ignoring me trying to flirt with him and has been moping around all heartbroken and shit. It's so ridiculous. How do I get him over her and with me?

So you tried to eliminate what you saw as the competition. Lets turn this around in answering your question, "How do I get him over her and with me". I want you to imagine a guy in school you can't stand who is trying to ask you out and won't take no for an answer. What can he say or do to win you over? There must be something because you are assuming that just because you like a person, they are going to like you back if you do the right thing. Life doesn't work that way hon. There isn't always logic to attraction. I've experienced plenty of females saying oh that guy is gorgeous, what a hunk and when I look at the guy, I don't like his looks at all. But there is one key element in attraction that it would be wise to learn about now or you may end up married someday to a person you do not like.
I am talking about what people mean when they say they have chemistry together. Its a scientific fact that animals and humans have something called pheromones. You can't detect a smell of it, but this scent is what attracts mates in the animal kingdom. It should be more important for humans to do the same. Not that an attracted person is thinking sex only when attracted but the way it happens for humans is when two people have close to the same type of pheromones and no--this is not something you can change about yourself to make a person desire you over someone else. Granted at age 14, even if people knew about pheromones, that isn't something that may be the top reason why someone is attracted to another. You were thinking of when a person meets someone that they initially liked some traits about and want to be in a relationship to get to know each other better. HOwever, one or both in learning more of each other may find enough things they don't like or that scare them off. This is what I prefer to call aimless dating. The person wanting to have a gf/bf is not thinking of finding a person who is the best match as a best friend or a dating partner. We will in life like some things about a person and not others. This is a learning process and there is much to learn about dating. I can share more if you are interested but it will not help you get a guy just because you like him.

Your reasoning for making up stories about each other that were lies may have sounded like a good choice to you. However, when we lie, those lies come back to bite us in the ass in the future.
So what could happen is that somehow, one or both find out from each other what you told each of them and x will know these were all lies you made up. So before asking for help after the fact of meddling, it may be best to ask for the advice here or of your parents or other adult you trust. NO, you can't ask friends and they are of the same age and according to scientists, the part of the brain responsible for making good choices and seeing possible outcomes ahead of time before taking an action, is something people are not capable of at your age due to the frontal lobe of the brain will not be finishing growing and complete until your mid twenties. So you have about 10 years ahead of decision making that may not have good outcomes. I urge you to begin thinking of using people who are older, past the age when this part of the brain is finally mature and use them as a sounding board. This means any idea's you come up with, you bounce off another, let them hear it and think it out and get their opinion if its a good idea or what consequences there might be.
If you get ideas that you know you don't want to ask of an older person, then likely you already know deep down that there is something wrong with your idea. I would like you to enjoy the rest of your teen years without unintentionally creating more problems for yourself and thats why I have taken the time to explain.
I know it may not sound fair but rarely is anything in life fair. Welcome to the real world.

Consequences for your choice of actions, may include destroying your chances of even being just a friend with x and y shutting you out as well. I wouldn't blame them. YOu would hate and avoid anyone who went through the same lengths to do the same thing to you that you did to both of them. You might want to mentally prepare yourself for that day in case it comes to happen. At that point, the best thing you can do is tell the truth which would be your reasoning for doing it, wanting him to stop liking her and thinking that might make him like you instead. Then you say you are sorry and realize now that things don't work that way. You tell them you'd understand if neither wanted to be friends with you ever again. If you are truly remorseful, it may be better to have a meeting with both and tell them what you've done and apologize before they find out the hard way by some other person learning the truth and telling them first.

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18/f. I was hanging out with my friends and gave one of my friends (girl) a back massage. My other friend (guy) was also there and asked for a back massage so I gave him one and he loved it. Whenever I hang out with him, he asks for a back massage. Now he keeps asking for thigh massages but I'm not sure if I should. Is it appropriate to give a guy friend a thigh massage?

While a back massage is an innocent thing same as a shoulder rub, I believe this male friend is thinking of more than just the pleasure of a massage.
More likely if you were to engage in this, he would get his sexual thrills from your hands being on his thigh, and urge you to massage right up to his groin.
You ask if it is appropriate. Depends on how you are applying that word to the situation.
If the two of you are also lovers, or you want to have sex with him, then massaging his thigh might be a nice part of foreplay.

If he is strictly a friend, or you want to avoid unintentionally turning him on where things might get out of control if the two of you were alone, then no...it would not be appropriate.

Here's another thing to think of. Whether friend or a mate, if is important that both people do special things for each other and its not one sided. The way you stated it, he is always doing the asking for back massages for example but there is no mention of him reciprocating with a back or shoulder massage or doing anything else special for you. It doesn't have to be a massage. You could ask him to brush your hair just for how wonderful it feels, or a scalp massage.

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This girl is like 3 grades below me so she only recognises me from my social media. Yesterday, she was literally fangirling about seeing me. She only ever calls me by my Instagram name in real life.
Anyway she was like "Oh my god a celebrity, please be my boyfriend." At this point I wanted to say "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" but just ignored everything. Then this boy from her grade walks out and tells her to stop being mean. I appreciated that part, but the part he said after that left me quite offended. He said "Look at him, do you ever think he'll get a girlfriend?

The thing is I actually have a genuine crush on a girl. However I feel as if I've ruined my chances now because this guy is best friends... with my crush's brother who was walking by at the time. He wasn't completely listening but I think he caught a few bits of the conversation. Now if I do ask my crush out, her brother will probably mock me for it. What should I do to

A) Stop getting people to take pictures of me without permission?
B) Avoid being mocked by my crush's brother if I do ask her out?

I may just be overthinking the whole brother thing though.

Even tv celebs haven't found a way to get people to stop taking their photo without permission. Now you know how they feel. About the only thing I know they will do something about is going the legal system and sueing for any total falsehoods made up about them that affect their livelihood.

As for a crushes brother, if you are so worried about what he might do if you asked her out, then you are overthinking it and probably not ready to date yet if what somebody else thinks, says and does is going to change your mind.

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My boyfriend and I care for each other deeply and can't stand to see each other's feelings get hurt. I am 26 he is 37, we are serious and he has talked about marriage together not too long ago. It was a first for both of us to ever celebrate Valentines Day with someone.

I told him I think Valentines Day is a bit overrated and actually never really liked seeing the lovey dovey heart decorations everywhere. He agreed and said he is the same way; although his actions always speak differently as he is always very very loving and mushy about everything, not to mention emotional, which I think is cute. With a romantic dinner, he handed me a lovely bouquet of roses with a huge Godiva heart chocolate, he always aims to get the best of everything which I've told him numerous times that it is not necessary, that even if he didn't get me anything that would be perfectly fine. Which caused him to buy even more expensive gifts, claiming I deserve the best. Truth is I would prefer it if he got me cute cheap things, I do not believe that the more you spend on something the better it will be. I do not enjoy trying to be flattered by the price of something. Thus I feel that in return I always have to buy something equal to his gifts.

While bidding farewell for the night we exchanged our main gifts for each other. We both opened our gifts when we returned home. I bought him a Burberry men's wallet, which he claims he really liked, although he says that for everything which I give him or go to with him. For the wallet, he said that I know him well. He in return gave me a bottle of perfume. I was happy that it was not an expensive piece of jewelry like last time (which is another story of its own- I went back and forth with him telling him I could not accept the Tiffany's necklace, he reluctantly told me he would return it however he secretly kept it waiting for the return date to expire which he later gave me again saying "now you know I can't return it, did you really think I'd give it back, its yours". Which of course I had to take, I do like it, but again unnecessary spending).

Now this perfume which I thought was normal priced because I have never heard of it turned out to be $370 (Portrait of a Lady), which is expensive for a perfume, and he went and got the biggest size. The worst part is that it has an EXTRAORDINARILY strong scent, I researched reviews on the perfume which is when I learned the price, I googled it thinking maybe I just found it strong however everyone claimed that it was really hard to get off even with showering and washing clothes and stays on about 3 days with 1 spray. I am one who prefers Eau de Toilet sprays in comparison to Perfumes as they last shorter with less of a scent, so this is 10x too strong for me. I appreciate the thought but it kills me that he would spend $370+tax on a perfume which will most likely sit on the shelf, a similar scent to it could have been plain old rosewater for $20. I thought of trading it for something I could use but I doubt someone would pay that much for it. I also really don't want to bring up that I didn't like this gift of his either as I mentioned he is easily broken hearted, and probably still touchy that I rejected his first necklace gift in the beginning. All I did so far was thank him for the perfume saying it smells like roses but did not spray it yet. Please help what should I do, what would you do?

Oh Dear, the both of you need to read a book called 'The Five Love Languages' by Gary CHapman. Heres a link to finding it:

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/p/the-5-love-languages-gary-chapman/1112878532

People have different ways of showing love and recognizing love. The only problem with a couple is that people tend to Use the same love language directed to others that they interpret as love when directed at them.

Giving of gifts is what your guy needs to receive to feel loved. He doesnt know your love language yet and that is why I stress this book although there is an on line test you both can take right away.

Besides Receiving of Gifts, the others are Words of affirmation, Acts of service, Quality time and Physical touch. There will be a strong first one with a secondary one that also stands out.

The trick is to not give the type of Love that you want to recieve yourself. His is obviously the giving of gifts. So to him, all he knows is that you have so far been rejecting his way of showing love. As much as you don't like to recieve gifts, he probably craves them but take a test, read the book, both of you as he needs to understand why giving you gifts, no matter the price, is not what you take in as loving gestures. For you, it will be one of the others. You may already suspect which it is but read and do the test and learn what it is so you can share that with him.

For doing the quiz, scan down the link to the start button under the photo.

https://365tests.com/personality-tests/what-is-your-love-language/

As for the perfume, a man should get only that which a woman will wear. He just guessed because he didn't know and didn't want to ask so he could surprise you or you couldn't squash the idea. So I would just bring up the perfume only right now. Let him know you don't like wearing strong perfumes. For me, its an instant headache. If that's your issue too, let him know they give you headaches and you're happier with something light like rosewater but prefer to choose scents you like rather than have scents gifted unless he knew from a list of what you do wear and gets only that, and only when you're running out. But I think talking about that should come after you show him the on line quiz and he does it and you do it and share your results. After the quiz, he shouldn't be giving you gifts as a way to show his love. Depending on what you see more strongly as a show of love, it may be that he had to make an effort to speak more affirming words, compliments and verbally being supportive of you and your likes, or doing things for you that you could do yourself, but his doing them is what you translatee as love, or maybe its spending quality time together, not just in same room doing your own thing but doing something where the focus is more on you. Or lastly, perhaps you feel more loved when you get the amount of physical touch you crave. All of these may be ways he does not naturally operate, not a part of his personality but if he loves you, he will give you the show of love through a venue that you translate as love.
Let me know how this works for you.

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My school does a student directed play every year after the musical and we're doing Peter and the Starcatchers. I got casted as Alf. I read some of his lines in callbacks but the thing is I don't know a shit about his character. Can someone help me here so I don't seem like a bad actor at rehearsal?

Alf which stands for Alien Life Form, is a short character that looks kinda like a muppet, had a unique voice and since this was before robotics became real popular, was a suit inhabited by a 'little person' actor.
I have a link to youtube video of over 6 minutes of snippets with Alf and his family in it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MaydcVBdesU

Apparently he was adopted by a human family and there was much he didn't understand and he had a crazy sense of humor.

I assume Peter and the Suncatchers is a play. I didn't find it in an on line search so I assume that the Alf character is supposed to be the one from the TV show, or perhaps one made just for this play. You should have something that describes what your character is supposed to be like because this obviously isn't going to be the exact same role as the one on TV. You should be asking your drama teacher/director for a description of your character so you can play the part better. Do not wait until rehearsals and don't sweat it, every actor has to study and learn how to play the part they're given so it falls to the teacher to explain that part to you.

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