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He wants to limit our hookups.
I met this guy and we hungout and hooked up. We hangout so naturally like we've known eachother for a while but only met a few times. And were both very easy going. We hookedup and it was so much fun and really good. The next day we were texting eachother and something brought it up and he said "id do it again.. but we have to be careful. I don't think we should do it more than twice so no one grows attachment" I'm mostly asking for a mans perspective but I would greatly accept a womans too. But is he saying this cause he thinks I will get attached or he thinks he can see himself getting attached? Cause we both agreed we don't want to be in relationships right now. I don't do hookups very often. And he's the first one I've continued to talk to after. Is that normal to put a limit like that? Thanks in advance for all the advice.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I will share something from a book I read on the differences between men and women in relationships. I know there are exceptions to the general rules and behaviors, I am one of them but this does hold true for most.
For example, regarding sex:
" For men, its a physical act that can lead to an emotional bond but they often seek sex just for the sake of sex. For women, the emotional bond is tied into the physical act and seen as a way of securing the wanted relationship."
I have had those for whom 'hooking up' meant sex and others for whom it meant closeness, kisses, cuddles, no sex, and just hanging out.
I know that when there is sex involved, or even the stuff of prelude to sex, foreplay, even just kisses and cuddles--intimate stuff, women seem to include this all as much as having had sex so the same holds true.
Your guy may not understand the whys of the dynamics here, but he has formed an assumption due to life experiences with other women where they seem to get emotionally attached to men too easily. Yes, women instead of having a strong self esteem, seem to think they can find it outside of themselves in the shape of a man who pays any kind of attention to them. Thus it is easy to fall in love with a man who unknowingly gives them something they have lacked thus far, for example a good listening ear and understanding person. And so a guy who has only talked to a woman but is for real wanting to but has no romantic interest, can find a woman has fallen for him. That happened to me once. After two months of a guy paying me the kind of supportive attention and conversation with compliments, we actually both fell in love. There was no sex until later and sex was not what helped us fall in love. IN the end it didn't turn out as his ex wanted to try again and he went back to her .
YOur guy is being truthful as to where he is at present, not ready to end up in a committed relationship. He is only happy with a friends with benefits type of thing. But since in the past, the benefits part may have caused too many females to think they were in love or really fall for him, it could easily explain why he is not wanting to 'do it' whatever 'IT' was for you, for than twice.
If he is truly single and simply a healthy man with a good sex drive, he limits his attractions to women to lasting only a short time before moving on to someone else. Or he may rotate thru a long list of woman over and over like those movies of men with their little black book of phone numbers (before cell phones) with nothing but numbers of female bootie calls. I am not putting you down if this is what you want and I have in fact had a friend with benefits in the past. It lasted about 3 months until I found a guy who ended up being my current bf at which point the friend with benefits thing ended.
I wouldn't think your guy fears himself getting attached. Through history, there have been enough men who avoided commitment for various reasons, perhaps parents failed marriage or too many friends relationships breaking up. They resign themselves to only enjoying females as temporary social companion to events and for the sex. I have had sex for sex sake just as a man might, without getting attached. I needed more in common than just sex and a nice person to fall in love. There had to be enough in their personality of how they live their life, their beliefs and and other things in common and how they treat me like a Queen on a pedestal, for me to fall in love. Money has no part in that for me Its what money can't buy. So, I've gone over a reason for why your guy is afraid of attachment forming. His idea works for him. But there is another possibility as you didn't state for sure how well you know this guy and for how long, but it is possible he is not single but has a commitment to a female already whether girlfriend, or wife. You may have just been his little bit of extra on the side. And he knows that if he lets it go on too long that the chances of you being found out by his gf/wife, all the more likely. So he is trying to play it safe.
I met guys on a dating site. I was very picky and didn't even meet for just a face to face at a coffee shop unless the guy sounded promising. Even then, I knew if he wasn't truly honest, it was a matter of time before he messed up and revealed something he didn't want me to know. I met a guy who was married but presented himself as single but when it seemed I was not 100% interested due to not being sure of him, he revealed the story of his wife being very ill and can't have sex and so he's trying to get it outside of marriage. I knew a couple where the guy had heart problems and more and sex wasn't an option but he allowed his wife to have a guy for sex. I met them and the guy. THis is for real. Sometimes a person can care enough about their partner and their needs and do such a selfless thing. So I asked him if it was true, then I'd like to meet his wife and get her okay to do so. He said he didn't want to risk losing her, she wouldn't understand, so he wanted to do so in secret but that he loved her as she was also his best friend, just the sex was missing. He would never leave her. Am I okay with sex only. Such a situation depends on the person. Some women are okay with that, I was not, unless there was agreement for such an arrangement with the married couple. Another guy mentioned doing some reconstruction of his home so he couldn't invite me over. I said the last bf had me help with measuring wood to be cut, help him hold wood still, help painting and staining and hammering, all under his instructions so I told him it didn't have to be finished, I was willing to come over in the next couple weekends to help. When I got on line that evening to send an email to thank him for meeting me and say I was looking forward to help, he'd taken his dating profile off the same day, thus telling me he hadn't thought things through and just wanted an affair but since theres a wife at home, he couldn't agree to have me come over. So hon, it may not be true for him but I just want to let you know its a possibility.
It really depends on what you want right now in life, to play around with whomever asks, be booty call, just a social companion with little or no sex, friends with benefits, or do you have somewhere deep inside the hope and dream to have one man someday in love and totally devoted to only you, from the inside out, not just your looks, do you want commitment, to grow old together with someone, have kids together? Everyone is at a different place in life and for some any of that is okay, not for others. So it depends on what you want dear. Solidify that ideal on paper or pc, in a list of exactly what you want in a guy and compare every guy with that list. It might sound crazy and a couple of guys got angry with me for having my criteria, especially if they couldn't say they could meet it all. But it sure helped give me perspective when I met good looking guys, even well off ones but they didn't meet my criteria. I do have a document that explains this all called HOw to find Mr. Right. If you ever decide you want one and only for yourself and are ready to search for him, then write to my column and ask me for it. Hookups are fine if you are okay with just that and nothing more and no promise of the hookups being the same person long term. Just decide what you want and honor where he is at. IF what you want and what he currently want is at odds, then there is no reason to stay with him hoping for the next hookup.
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