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humorist-workshop
How do I approach this guy?
I don’t really have any confidence in myself but in the summer at my job there was this really cute guy who came up to me and introduced himself I thought it was so sweet because the only other people that did were the managers, I kind of had to figure everyone else’s name. I brushed it off as him being nice, then the second time in the summer he came up to me and said hi and asked what my name was cause (my name is different so it’s hard to remember) and then when his shift was over he tapped my shoulder to say bye. Again I thought he was just being friendly and that’s his personality. But today was the first time I saw him since summer time (we never got scheduled the same days ever since school started back). He didn’t say hi to anybody he looked at me but I didn’t say hi to him cause I thought he forgot about me but noticed he would give glances here and there. He didn’t talk to anyone except the managers so either it’s cause he didn’t know anyone at the shift (I only knew him, the manager and one other girl out of the 7 people on the shift) or he’s not as outgoing and friendly as I thought. When his shift was over he didn’t say bye to anyone he just left and I noticed he was still in the waiting room so I assumed he was waiting for his ride. But then 2 hours later my shift ended and I noticed he was still there and when I looked he was staring straight at me and then I clocked out got my things to order something and I noticed he moved from sitting really far away to sitting right beside where I was ordering something and again he didn’t say anything. I know what you’re thinking “why didn’t you talk to him since he didn’t talk to you?” Cause like I said in the beginning I don’t think he remembers me and I’m not confident in myself at all. I really do hope we get scheduled together again, I don’t know what the odds of that happening are cause this was my week off from school but maybe I’ll have the courage to talk to him if I ever do.I feel so stupid that I couldn’t even say a simple hi any advice? I’m 19 by the way I don’t know how old he is but since he was working the night shift and he looks older I’m assuming he’s around my age ( his birthday is on Sunday I couldve asked but you see my dilemma)
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Since you responded in the rating section and it is the next day, I can still revise what I wrote you--took it all out to post what you are asking for. Keep in mind next time, it's better when you post your response by going to the advice persons own column by looking up their name (mine is Dragonflymagic) and clicking on the button to ask a question. That is the only way we can respond if we don't happen to look at our column for 24 hrs and then its too late. There are so many I have not been able to answer their question after my 1st response.
Now on to self confidence and I will follow with tips on starting and keeping a conversation going
Since I have much to share, I'll try to condense it and if you need more clarification, go to my column and ask from there.
In a womans magazine I saw an article on a way to boost ones self confidence. It takes very little to get it started, like a jump start for car battery. Once its running, you keep it running till its fully charged. For myself, having success in one little area of myself was the jump start to my confidence. It sounds silly but heres what I read. Focus on something about you that you believe stands out, is pretty or charming. It could be your laugh, sense of humor, how you dress, your body shape, or just your hair, your eyes or shape of your lips. For me, I had enough confidence inside that I thought my eyes were pretty and expressive. Thats what you're looking for. It wont be something you are getting compliments from others on. Next think of a celebrity who comes close to reminding you of lets say your eyes, as thats what I did. Once you've told your mind that you are similar enough or quite the same in that one thing, next picture yourself entering a room, a building looking totally like that celeb. with the confidence they carry with them and the attraction and interest they garner in people. I thought it was silly but didn't cost anything and Was surprised to see how well it worked. I'd chosen my eyes. Immediately men and women, even strangers would stop me and comment that I had the prettiest eyes they'd ever seen or simply I had beautiful eyes. I wasn't even wearing makeup when I got these compliments. Once I had the success of people noticing me for my eyes, it's like that opens a door for your self confidence to grow in other areas. In human nature, people pick up more on what they can't see, like radio waves, but in this case its self confidence and that is attractive to everyone but especially to males. You might think its more about self esteem, but unless your thought life is putting yourself down constantly with no stop ever, it's more of self confidence. Surprisingly it only takes this one little success to grow in confidence to be able to talk to people.
Try it and let me know the results.
Next are tricks on how to start conversation with people.
I did say that the majority of people are friendly and won't find it odd to have a stranger start a conversation, complimenting, asking a question or making a comment.
Don't walk up to someone without at least two things in mind that you could say. In your case, you have seen him before but not really had any in depth conversation. A good way to start is to acknowledge the obvious since you don't have any other thing to start off with, especially if you don't know the persons name and can't simply greet them by name and ask how they are doing. It won't sound lame to him but instead he'll be relieved you started the conversation. So for him, try, "Hey I've seen you before at _______ and we never really talked. So I wanted to introduce myself and thought maybe we could chat a bit so that next time we see each other, it doesn't feel so awkward recognizing each other but not knowing each other." I have stated that very thing in similar or same words to plenty of people and no one seems to think it odd. I had to start all those conversations too. Now, every time this one guy sees me at Starbucks, he will come up and start conversation first but I spoke first acknowledging I saw him practically every day and that it looked like he was studying something. That was enough for him to tell me what he was studying for to get into a job he wanted. It just takes breaking the ice for others. If you wait for them to do it first, then you will wait forever because my guess is that 9 out of 10 will not start conversation first. that's from my experience. It doesn't matter after your first comment who starts sharing about themselves first. But if they don't start, try not to talk about yourself first. People think you are a better conversationalist when you ask them questions that get them talking about themselves. If you can't think of any, let me know and I can send those questions in a list and how you can learn about a persons character by how they answer those 5 or so questions.
While they are talking, show interest with eye focus, smiles for encouragement and nods of your head and one word verbal acknowledgements as they speak, "yes, ahuh, really? wow! oh dear," This makes the other person feel you value, understand, believe the same or have similar experience, or have interest in the same topic and makes them want to talk all the more. At some point most will stop and ask you a question or ask you to share. THis is of course for people you don't really know, even if you've seen them plenty before. No convo or sharing means you don't really know until you do.
For anyone else, you know or don't know, females included, a tap on the shoulder or excuse me will get their attention and pay them a compliment to get conversation started. Or greet those you know by name. People like it when you remember their name. If you have trouble with that, I use tricks to remember a persons name. Let me know if you need that list too.
For anyone, not just a guy you're interested in, practice talking to others by either complimenting them or asking a question.
Men like compliments too, they may not show it in ways you can pick up but they are beaming inside and relishing every moment of a compliment or even a hearty laugh in response to something he said. Guys seem to love being able to get a female to laugh. I know how rewarding it feels to me when I can make others laugh.
Tips to keep a conversation going:
It helps to really listen and remember what others are saying because you can base the next thing you say on something they said that brought a memory back to you. Lets say a friend is telling you about all the stuff they did last weekend and it included going to a you-pick Blackberry farm. If you have any experience going to any you pick farms, you can tell them about that, you could ask where it was located and how much it cost, or I would be focusing on the word Blackberry (my true life example) and share a story from older childhood when too young to baby sit but wanting to earn money, I'd go to pick coffee can's full of Blackberries that grew along the abandoned railroad tracks and how I'd go door to door asking if they wanted to buy a can full for a dollar. Yep, that was long ago but a dollar was a good reward and would buy a lot more back then. Even if you don't personally have a story but have read a story related to, share it, or maybe it the experience of someone else who once told you and you don't share any name but just tell their story anonymously. I still after years and years use this way to keep conversations going. If you are asking friends something, and don't want the conversation to end after they answer your question, remember there are open ended as well as closed ended questions. Here's an example:
Close ended:Did you have a good weekend? They will answer yes or no. Many stop right there and won't go on to elaborate what they did unless you ask. You can ask them though.
A better way to ask is 'So, what did you do this weekend?' Notice that question can not be answered with a yes or no, that is an open-ended question. You want to choose carefully how to ask them something because if they have yes or no answers, there is no information you can glean from that to base your next story on. But if they describe their weekend, you have a better chance of finding a word or a subject from it to use as a spring-board for the next thing you speak about.
This is all that I do, there is nothing else and I have found I don't need any other tricks to start or keep a conversation going. So Pay attention to what they talk about and seek a related word or subject to base the next thing you say off of. Its quite natural and does not come across as contrived or awkward. Here's an example of using something a person said to make a joke/be funny.
I once worked in fast food and it was slow at the moment and somebody was complaining about the cost of their apt rent being so expensive. That got a guy to mention he used to have to pay big bucks for a tiny studio. He wanted to feel like he had a 2nd room in there and his closet was huge so he put his bed in there to have the feel of a bedroom. I thought that was funny, and while someone else made a comment, my mind was whirling to see if I could say something related to what he said. The words Bed and closet stood out so I made a joke and said, So if a friend called and asked if you were up yet, you could actually answer with, 'I haven't come out of the closet yet.' Which would be true but that is a term gay people use for whether they have shared their sexual orientation yet with family and friends or not. All of them got it and they were laughing hard. I did this on purpose because people need more to smile or laugh about. Hope this helps. Again, if you need to contact me and ask for more clarification on something, please go to my column and use the contact button to write to me from there and that way you won't end up having a possibility of not hearing back again.
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