|
My boyfriend is mad at me.
Hi, I really need your help. my boyfriend and I have been together for one year plus. he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I recently lied to him about going to school when i wasn't. i am in school is just that i took one semester off to take care of some personal things and i didn't tell him about it. he is so pissed right now and he hasn't answered my calls since 3 days ago. i really need to know what he is thinking. should i show up at his place? what should i do. cause i cant afford to lose him. before this we have had no problems..
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
This will be long as I want to take opportunity to do teaching in my sharing with you.
HI. I would like to explain lots first so you can understand why he is upset with you in the first place. This knowledge may help you during the process in which you get back in his good graces again. The biggest thing is to understand where he is coming from. Since I don't know him, I can only give examples of how others may be affected in the same.
I do not think lying is a good choice at all but we all do at some point or another, especially what we consider to be white lies, no cover up of something bad we did. However, no matter what kind of lie and for whatever reason a person lies, the result is the same, ones mate will think twice before deciding whether they can trust you again. Yes, lying can break trust between two people and once broken, it is not an instant repair overnight. It will take a couple months at the very least, of 'consistent' good wanted behavior in a mate to realize they learned their lesson and will never repeat. That isn't the case for many humans. There is no desire to be real and trustworthy with a partner when its all about what you get from them and you don't want anything in return and its easy for a person to discard someone because they never really cared.
Your guy being upset shows that he cares deeply about you or he wouldn't be so hurt. I may as well add this in, something about understanding males that can help here. You can't erase what you did but you can make that appear minor when compared to doing the opposite action consistently forever.
Men like to feel needed and wanted. The want is easy. You are drawn to his good looks and want him. But men still want to feel needed. They aren't much different than women, at least the good guys worth holding onto as you state he is. So this kind a guy needs to be needed. The need are varied from help opening a jar, a door for you, carrying things for you, building something or creating something for you or even as simple as being a listening ear for you and willing to share encouraging and supportive words to help you through a hard time.
I do not know what your “personal matters” were. No matter how simple, or complex, or even embarrassing, when you choose a person to date, it is usually with hopes for a long term relationship. Even if a relationship does not work and must end, the next person is always one you will hope can end up a long term relationship whether through marriage or not. Kids play at tending a baby ( a doll) making pretend food, keeping house, long before they ever have a home of their own. There are things that can be learned in the 'before' time, the play for kids but in relationships, I like to think of it as the practice time for a long term relationship. If you can't or won't show the needed and desirable behavior while dating, then you probably won't during a marriage either. How many people do you really think can act like two singles in a couple relationship, as far as their every day life and future plans, and then after the wedding ceremony, switch instantly to acting like a team, a couple with two sets of ideas, plans and such that require compromise, trust, and the wonderful gift of being allowed to be your partners help meet. So your guy may have taken this more seriously than others may have, and that might indicate how much he cared. One can't be hurt if they didn't care about the person they feel wronged by. I have had every family member, parents and siblings except one, all stop talking to me for waayy longer than just 3 days, think more like months and close to a year. I was not at fault but they all had a preconceived idea of how I was supposed to act or respond and when I did not do as they had hoped, they became upset with me. I periodically tried to contact them and if they hung up, I knew they weren't over being mad at me. So I let time go by without worrying. They are family and family loves each other. I knew they'd come around. One of the times I tried contact with each one, I did not bring up the past, since they had been wrong but just spoke of other stuff and no one ever apologized. In your case, even if you still don't see how bad a choice you made with him, he might need an apology but not before he is ready. I can't say how long it will be but its only been 3 days. With a different guy, it may not have been such a big deal, and likely would also reflect how deeply he cares. People don't like lies and dishonesty done to them but have no trouble doing it to others. A human fault I suppose but challenge yourself to rise above that mentality. Also try to think of yourself as a couple in training for marriage. Sure there are still adjustments and things to learn together for the rest of ones life but it should be the minor, and finer things, not the really biggies like trust, dependability, willing to talk things out, willing to compromise, etc. These are the things to know beyond the shadow of doubt that is present for sure in your relationship, something you know will still be there in 10 yrs, 25 yrs.
Give him a few more days. Meanwhile, write out a letter of what you want to say to him in person. Something like this, should be done in person if he allows you to. Take a card with the letter in it along with you in case when you see him, he is still angry and won't talk or says it's over. Don't freak out. Remain calm and hand him the letter with all you wanted to say, explain and apologize that is in it. Let him know you understand he is too upset with you to talk. But when he does get to a point of being ready, (don't say when you get over it, makes his feelings sound trivial) you would like to ask him to read the letter you've written him which is everything you wanted to say in person. Being ready to at least listen to you doesn't mean he isn't still angry or upset. If he is too stiff and unwilling to bend (which couples have to be) and forgive and be willing to rebuild trust, share what exactly bothered him and how it hurt him, only then can you know what to avoid in the future. At this point I am not even talking of lying but anything each of you might say or do to the other that is innocent and nothing entirely bad but something about it upsets the other, then one needs to be able to explain but in the right way and the other willing to adapt, change a bit so they don't hurt their mate again. I have the perfect example I read about once. A husband who loved to show his love by touch, whether arm around the should, playing with her hair which was okay with her, or the more racy caress of her butt or a quick fondle of her chest. She was okay with it in private, at home but she did not want an audience. He thought because it was okay at home, she'd welcome it anywhere. One time he grabbed her butt quickly while out in a public place where there were other people, she got tires in her eyes. Immediately he wanted to know what upset her. (So he could be of help) She told him she loves how he shows his love and desire by touching her throughout the day. But he had began doing so in public areas when other people were present who could see and it upset her because she wasn't into PDA's unless people weren't around, like if they were alone on a park trail. What she did right is not say so in a way that made him think she was rejecting his way of showing love, his love language, but sharing what part of what he did had affected her negatively. He promised to never do so again. And as of the writing of that article, he still never had done that again. This is the kind of talking and sharing a couple needs to do so misunderstandings don't fester into being upset, resentful or just plain angry. So much of problems can be fixed by good communication, willing to forgive, willing to make choices that don't jeopardize trust. Hope this all helps you dear. If you had anything too embarrassing or too personal to you like lets say a surgery you needed and time to recover from it, You could still reveal not being at school and having to be away for personal situation for a while, something you don't feel comfortable revealing, then at least you have not lied about where you are, only with held the details which is okay with lots more people, though curiosity will still kill them!
]
More Questions: |