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Husband Sex addict
My 53 year old husbands sex addiction is killing me.Over the years Ive dealt with secret email accounts to chat inapropriately with a woman he knows, he even took me to an auction at her home and I had no idea who he was talking to. I blew up at home. He texts female coworkers excessively and has many lunches with them. Not wearing his wedding ring, hiding video cameras (finding several tapes of him with ex girlfriends and myself),We were all taped without our knowledge. I asked him to stop hiding cameras and I threw them all in the trash when I found them, gobs of video equipment! Just last month he ordered another camera and I took a hammer to it.He tried to lie and said he ordered it for his son, he even texted his son to head me off. He has downloaded about 500,000 photos (not kidding) of nude women in the years weve been together (calls it art). He was giving sex advice online As a woman to other women for about a year. He was messaging a 19 year old girl a few years ago and giving her Christmas, birthday, and baby shower gifts, I knew nothing about these gifts or her. He ate lunch at her restaurant every day and when she quit he visited her at her new job. He writes to young women on Craigslist on missed connections. His sons 25 y/o ex girlfriend (who my husband met twice) is friends with him on facebook. He likes all her statuses and comments on them. Yesterday she posted that some creeper posted about her with her full name on missed connections wanting to care for her and take her to dinner. It read like many of my husbands previous posts. I looked at the computer history and THERE IT WAS, a login to Craigslist the day it was posted. I confronted him, he denied it and it was deleted first thing this morning when he went to work.I could go on, but I feel more ashamed the more I type. My life is wrapped up in this 14 year relationship. NO ONE in our social circle knows what Ive had to endure. They think we are this awesome couple. Im tired, depressed, and lost. I am 40 years old and I figure Im getting too old for him. He is obsessed with 20 somethings. I just wish he knew how pathetic it is being 53 and in the shape he is in. 90% of the time he treats me beautifully by the way which makes it incredibly hard to contemplate leaving. I tell him Im always waiting for something else bad to happen and suck the life from my lungs. I do have a rock bottom but he hasn't hit it yet. Will he ever age out of this?? BTW, I have never cheated or done anything inapropriate. Thanks!
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Men like adviceman and my husband are the good husbands who really love their wives and would never consider doing anything that hurts them. If by chance I start crying due to frustration over something that has nothing to do with my husband, he is quick to ask whats wrong and if he unintentionally said or did something that caused those tears.
So I will start here, with just how much he loves you. I have a simple quiz where based on how you can answer questions about what holds true for your man, to realize where his love falls on a scale. One of the answers is "He loves you enough to satisfy himself, so if its enough for you, stay and live with it or leave if not good enough. Not encouraging you to leave that easily. It takes cooperation of both working together. So if he is willing to save the marriage, he will go to therapy with you.
I agree that therapy can help. You may be overwhelmed and feel depressed by your situation but I am thinking of couples marriage therapy and with a section of going over how to share in depth with each other, every little thing about your wants and desires and even your fantasies about sex so that you can have the most satisfying sex for both of you.
I have to admit that when you stated your husband has a sex addiction and I read all you shared, yes, on the surface it sounds like a sex addiction indeed. However I have learned much through experiences with my first marriage. IN short, I can tell you that one consistent thing I see in all that you wrote is that he lies, chooses not to disclose or reveal anything, every done in secret and being dishonest and covering up his dealings and not talking to you about anything of this. This is a big character flaw. I am willing to bet it was there when you two first met but you didn't see it then. That happened to me with first husband. I didn't notice his major relationship destroying flaws until we were into the marriage for a little while. I was willing to go to therapy with my ex but the issue was his not believing there was anything wrong with him, that the problems were all mine. And in fact he even told a pastor who later told me that my husband felt I was the problem. The pastor could see by how I treated others that I wasn't the problem though. We were a mismatch in many ways, things that can't be fixed by therapy. There are many things we can be doing that aren't the best ways of handling things in a relationship. Mine was making excuses for his behavior.
Although there is such a thing as sex addiction, it has to be confirmed by a licensed therapist, psychologist. My problem was being sexually mismatched with my ex. Married young, we had no idea that we did not really create desire in each other simply as we were. My current husband for example is so enamored of everything about me that just listening to my voice telling a story, or playing with my hair is enough to turn on him, for me... not for some other women. According to him, I have the body and looks that he always dreamed of having in a mate from a young boy onwards although I am his second marriage also. He simply couldn't be interested sexual in any other and that I accredit to having found each others perfect sexual match. Men are sexually aroused by what they see. So what adviceman said about his wife allowing him to look at other women is a woman who understands, you don't want a husband who doesn't look at women, he might be gay if he doesn't. Does my husband look at photos on line sometimes? Yeah he has a little like when I have been sick for a prolonged time since we have sex basically on the average every other day. He though had volunteered to show me the few photos he saved which he says all reminded him of how I looked and I had to admit on seeing them, it was true. There can always be some compromising. When I asked if it was really just nude pics of me he'd rather have, he said yes. I have posed at home for him many times and he was his own file he looks at when he feels the need but that doesnt mean he then neglects me. I am sharing this to show that it is possible to find a compromise that works for both sexually.
There is another thing to consider hon. I know and share with others that a solid foundation to every couple relationship is two things: being each others best friend and secondly each others sexual equal. It may be that he loves you as his best friend, and he enjoys the sex with you but it doesn't fulfill him as the friendship part does. He may not have been willing to share his deepest secrets and desires regarding sex and just decided to do so without informing or doing behind your back. That is wrong. Either sex therapy can help if he's willing and you are too. If you are not as adventurous sexually with him, then that may have led to him going this way over time although that still is not right and doesn't explain all his behavior. If he was like this from the moment you two met, then I am more inclined to believe its an addiction. If it has developed over time only during your marriage, then it may be a combo of both addiction and lack of communication and compromise, not something entirely your or his fault. As the saying goes, it takes two to tango and I know I played a part in issues as a couple in first marriage although more of the problems lay with the ex. He just isn't capable as a person of being more than he is and the more time goes by, with all his failed subsequent relationships, I know that he is not evolved enough to be handle to handle a relationship. So all you can do is talk to him and let him know you care about him, and compliment on some things you like about him but add that the sex issues and the secrecy of it all is something that needs couple therapy. If he refuses, and you've made any ultimatum that he gets therapy and works with you to get better and learn some very important relationship skills that are currently lacking, then you need to be willing to back up that ultimatum and get leave him, a separation. Sometimes thats enough for a guy to know you were serious and realize he doesnt want to lose his wife and be ready to comply. In my case, it wasn't enough to get him to even try, so I did leave after my ultimatum. If he doesn't care whether you leave, then maybe as last possibility, you stay and just live with it all or leave. If this helps you to decide, Heres something I asked myself and it may give you perspective if he doesnt want to change for you.
I asked myself if I could put up with this for another day. Sure, easy, I do it all the time. Another week, or month. Sure but I don't like it. Could I stand another year of the same without any improvement, well maybe--if I just keep looking at getting by day to day. Then I asked myself if I could stand it as is, no change for 10 more years. That's when I felt anxiety build in me. I couldn't answer but asked myself if I could handle 20 more years or the rest of my life with things as they currently were. And immediately I broke down crying knowing that I truly would never be happy if I stayed. I had been using a coping mechanism by telling myself to go through just one day at a time as I had always done for almost 30 years. In some circumstance, like finishing college, it is a coping thing that can help you get through, knowing theres an end in sight eventually. But when considering a lifetime of something that will be with you to the day you die, it can help clarify whether you really can handle it and be content with the status of the relationship or whether you feel you're settling for less and should leave and find someone who really does appreciate and love you and have that healthy sex life. Don't think you're too old in case the worst comes true. If you have to start over, I used on line dating and put a list of criteria in my profile a guy had to meet before I would even meet for a face to face coffee meet for first time. I was 50 and my second husband 49 when we met. This summer makes it 9 years together. I learned what I did not want which made it easier to ask for and insist on what I want, no excuses. And I got it after 2 years of dating sites and probably 2 hundred guys writing to me. Most revealed enough for me to see the potential problems and issues as a psychologist might see in you depending on what they hear from your mouth. So don't give up. Do your best to save the marriage and if he won't work to get better, then start over. No need to be alone. It doesn't matter at what age you finally learn how to find the right guy, as long as you take what you learned, don't repeat your mistakes and enjoy your future.
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Sex addiction is a mental illness for which he should seek treatment; though your right he hasn't hit bottom and until he does he won't seek help. It is understandable that your depressed and tired and lost.
I can't tell you if your husband will ever age out of this problem especially without professional help. What I will tell you is that I have been married for 46 years. When we first married my wife told me I could look at the menu all I wanted but if I attempted to sample or reorder she would cut off something I hold very near and dear.
Males and females are designed to attract each other so I look. As I get older I'm attracted to the older ladies. That's not to say a good looking younger lady won't catch my attention. I will probably continue to loo until the day I die. Given what I did for a living I have had many an opportunity to sample at the menu. I never have and never will for I would never do that to my wife I lover to much to hurt her that way.
You say your husband treats you beautifully which makes me believe he still loves you. My suggestion is for you to get into therapy counseling to help with your depression. Depression has a way of influencing how you perceive things. Once in therapy working with the therapist you might be able to find a way to get your husband to come to sessions with you and maybe start therapy on his own. That would be best case.
The worst case of therapy would be your depression would get treated and you would be able to see things more clearly. With a more clear heard you can make decisions that are right for you.
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