|
How to stop being so shallow?
I don’t know why I’m so picky and shallow when it comes to guys. So this is part 2 to my “how today I approach this guy?” Question. But anyways do you have any tips on how to stop being shallow? There’s a guy who I think he’s really cute and really nice but the problem is every time I contemplated on talking to him my mind just started picking out unattractive qualities to get me to not even try to strike up a conversation like “oh he’s not tall enough or his voice is too deep” “or he’s not even that cute” even though in reality I don’t care if he’s that tall as long as he’s taller than me (which he is by like 3 inches) and I don’t care if his voice is that deep just as long as it’s not annoying. but now that I didn’t talk to him due to my mind saying these things and the shyness it’s been bugging me all week and I think I blew my chances cause I don’t think I’m gonna see him again for awhile so any tips? My standards aren’t even high either as long as you have a personality that I can vibe with and I find you physically attractive then it’s fine
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I'd like to go over describing your choice of words and share what I think of them first
I see Picky as fault-finding,not easily content. A positive way to look at it is what you find acceptable and not settling for less.
To me shallow would mean lacking mental depth, usually disapproving. A positive to replace that would is to be self confident, knowing what you want and not afraid to ask for it. That is something I had to learn in life so I am glad to share it with you.
Too many women have no way of measuring the value of a guy, looking beyond his physical looks to who he is much deeper, his personality and character. I wasn't 'picky' enough the first time around and got divorced but not until almost 30 miserable years later. I do not wish you to suffer the same or never finding someone. Don't worry about having blown your chances. Chances are probably still there and you can write me again after you read this next part of how I learned to find Mr. Right. I actually was told from God to make a very specific list of what I need and what I want. It helped me to not be afraid of being thought of as too picky and shallow. The only ones who called me that were guys who could not meet my criteria. I will now post those instructions I have as a saved doc.
First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, to really describe yourself, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. Or hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.
So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?
I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.
Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.
Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. This helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....
Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.
The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the critieria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.
I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Hope this helps you. This is a lot said and yet there is so much more detail to share. So ask me if you have questions.
]
In my life, there was this girl that liked me and I wasn't interested because she wasn't attracted to her. We hung out as friends for a while and we had such a good time together, we did end up dating for many years. So, its more important that the vibe is good. Lots of times, people that have a shortcoming one way, make up for it in other ways.
Its about what you choose to focus on. If you choose to focus on the faults. That's what you'll see more of. Same with if you focus on the good. So, you can choose to focus on his good qualities. Every time you start getting those little annoying thoughts, quickly replace them with something you like about him. If you entertain the "bad thoughts", you give them power and they have the power to alter your mood and perception. The more bad thoughts you entertain, the easier other thoughts like it will come to you and the more they will affect you and how you feel about that person. So, stop them in their tracks as soon as you notice them popping up and replace them with something good.
The same goes for the thoughts you entertain about yourself. Sometimes people choose to focus on the negative thoughts about themselves and they do the same towards others. Nobody is perfect. Its good to realize that and to focus on the good. After all, nobody is perfect, including ourselves. So why should we expect anyone else to be perfect? We gotta accept people for who they are, faults and all.
]
More Questions: |