28/f
My sister called me a couple of weeks ago, grieving over our dad. She told me she feels like it was her fault that my dad died and that his health had rapidly declined (he passed away five months ago). I told her that she couldn't blame herself and that she did the best she could with what she knew and how she felt at that moment (she didn't have the greatest relationship with him and held a lot of resentment).
Even though I comforted her, I low-key blame her, too. Of course I didn't say anything because she doesn't deserve to feel worse than she already does and I wanted her to find her peace with him before he passed. But I blame her as well because all of this started two years ago while I was in Italy. My sister had sent me messages that there was something wrong with our dad. That he was acting strange, how he supposedly driven his car and hit the neighbors fence and the cops had advised her to take my dad to the hospital. I advised her to do the same thing, and because I wasn't in the country, she needed to do it. And every time I thought she took him, she would message me a day later and it was something else--he started playing the piano off-tune at 4 in the morning, or he wasn't responding when she spoke to him. It took her A WEEK to get him help... Turns out that the breaking point was that my dad had collapsed on the floor after peeing himself and my mom found out that he had a fever.
When he got sent to the hospital, he was diagnosed with the flu & pneumonia. It had affected his brain to the point where he was temporarily disabled and had to go to rehab. And during rehab, he got a stroke, because of the stroke, it affected his ability to speak. Later was then diagnosed with Alzheimer's and that the flu & pneumonia was the trigger to the immediate decline in his health.
What made me more upset is that I had a conversation with my sister a month ago and she admitted me to that during that time, she felt like my dad deserved it. That he deserved to be in that kind of pain and that's why her help was delayed.
Don't get me wrong, my dad wasn't the best dad. But he wasn't the worst either. My sister has resentment towards him because he retired when I was seven, having my mom be the breadwinner of the family, and my sister felt like he wasn't doing anything and was just lazy. That's it. There was no other reason. And as upsetting as that can be, I feel like that is not a reason to give him a death sentence.
Plus she wasn't around when he was doing other things, like maintaining the house, cooking for us, etc. He was like the stay-at-home-dad. So, I am also quite angry that I lost the parent closest to me, my number one cheerleader, and my number one person, because my sister felt like he deserved it.
I've recently come across a similar situation. my sister works at the hospital's emergency room and it was only a matter of time before she got covid and killed my mom with it. Which is exactly what happened. Long story short, I warned BOTH of them of the dangers of the situation and to take care of it, but neither listened. Before she died, my mom told me that my sis would just cough up all over the house, not even bothering to cover her mouth, saying "I'm fine." Now my mom is dead from covid, which she got from my sis.
I have no idea what my sister thinks of this. To me, she doesn't really give a damn about anyone but herself. I don't know if she feels guilty at all about killing mom. HIGHLY preventable, but she just didn't give a shit. I have no idea if she actually takes any kind of responsibility. Probably not. Unfortunately, she's not the kind of person to take responsibility for her actions.
I personally blame her for it, though, I begged my mom to make her move out once covid stared, but she wouldn't listen. Again, my mom was coherent enough to make her own decisions. I warned her, she ignored my warnings. Now she's dead.
So now, I have a choice to make... Hate my sister for killing my mom, Or accept that my mom also made her own decisions. She had the power to help herself. But she didn't take it. I don't hate my sister. She's always been kind of a bitch and doesn't care about other's wellbeing. She only cares about herself and her personal little dramas. Yeah, I don't like her at all, seems like she's inherently evil.
Ugh, after that, I really don't like her. Then again, she's always been this way, my mom knew it too. But I also have to place some of the responsibility on my mom. After multiple warnings, she said "yeah, but if I upset your sister, she isn't gonna bring my grandkids over, if I antagonize her." Which I have no soubt she would do that.
I was really pissed at my sister. But, I can't blame her %100. It not like my mom wasn't coherent enough to make a decision without my sister's approval. I don't know that state your dad was in. Whether he could make decisions or not.
Its not like my sis is %100 to blame for what happened, sure, a large %. But, if we can think for ourselves, and what is best for us, then, we have to take some responsibility. And not rely on someone else.
My advice, at this point is to just accept what happened. There is literally nothing else you can do. You gonna fight with your sister over it? She'll just deny and deflect. You don't have to agree or be happy about it. Maybe be more weary of your sister.
The point is that "it is what it is", and there is nothing you can do to change that. I don't HATE my sister, though, I know she's kind of an evil bitch. Glad to be away from her.
This is a situation that you cannot change. If you try to make her feel guilty, she'll probably consider you hostile. After mom died, susy has been a little nicer. Maybe she does feel some degree of guilt.
All you can do is accept what is and accept that your dad is better off now, and its his time to go. Just like someday, all of us will go. Like the saying goes: " holding onto grudges is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."
I'm not saying, forgive her. But perhaps your dad could have done something on his own without your sister. I dunno how bad your dad was, or if he was able to do that.
But what I do know, is that holding onto grudge and blaming her is only gonna make things worse. No matter how justified, blaming someone for it, is just gonna fill your heart with hate or similar feelings. our parents are dead. No amount of blame of hate or pointing fingers is gonna change anything. If anything, it'll just make your relationships worse. Just gotta let her own conscious/karma take care of it. Not much else you can do besides hate your sister for it. Your hate is only hurting yourself, chances are, your sister, like mine, doesn't really give a damn. So again, just gotta accept, (you don't have to like it) or keep blaming and hating her for it.
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I'm 22 and I think my mom is controlling me. I'll give one example.
So recently me and my mother went to the grocery. I was wearing a mask and she wasn't, (since some places are now allowing for masks off). Before we even left the house, I had my mask under my nose. Since it's been a year that people are required to wear it out, I often times forget im even wearing it as I've become used to it. Next thing I know my mom is screaming at me to take it off. Calling me names and all types of things. I just try to tell her its not a big deal and its just a mask but she gets even angrier.
She continues to yell at me in the car until we arrive at the store. At this point im crying my eyes out because she won't stop yelling. She leaves the car to go inside the store and I stay inside to calm down. Then after 5 minutes or so I go inside. I'm forced to wear the mask under my nose or else she'll start up another fight in the middle of the store, yet she still does anyway.
I tell her a couple of times to stop and speak normally to me like the human being that I am, but she ignores and goes on about how the mask is a "dog muzzle" and how much I look like a "psychopath". She knows I have social anxiety yet she says this anyway.
(Not to mention 95% of people in the store are wearing masks)
Anyway, it ends with my crying in the middle of store begging her to stop talking about it. But of course, this makes her angrier. She tells me "I've asked you normally in the past to take it off but because you didnt listen I have to do it this way now".
I cried all the way home and then had a talk with her once we came back. At the end, she said "You have a pretty face I dont want you to cover it with a mask." As if I'm some type of trophy for her to show off.
I'm ashamed as a 22 year old that I've let this affect me to the point of crying. She's done many things like this was just one example. I'm not sure how to deal with this chaotic behavior and could use some advice on how to deal with it when it happens next time.
Thanks.
I had a mother like that. She's dead now. I feel your pain in terms of having to deal with someone thats incorrigible. And back then, pretty much the only way to get away from that is to literally get away, as in, move out. You really can't change people. Especially your parents. So, really, you gotta move out, so she can't control you. Harsh, but true. If you really want to escape this abuse, and it IS abuse, you gotta do what you gotta do to get your own place. Parents are set in their ways. its almost impossible to get them out of that mindset. So, harsh and tough as it might seem, you gotta make it on your own eventually anyway. So might as well start now. The sooner the abuse ends, the better. Might be hard to move out, etc. (which is something you'll want to do anyway) But the effort will pay off. Not to have someone "harpying" over you. critisizing, scrutinizing and demeaning you. Its not easy, but its worth it. So you gotta ask yourself: what is really important to you? Is you staying in this current situation worth what you have to put up with? or getting a job, making enough $ to get your own place more worth it? (again, you have to do this anyway) Might as well start now. Sorry to lay some harsh truths on you. but life is not easy. But most of us make it, like I'm sure you will too. Way better to try, than being stuck in an inescapable situation. You pretty much gotta get out of there. otherwise she will continue to control you. Speaking from my own personal experience here. Good luck.
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I don't normally complain like this but this was the first time I'd ever asked for personal advice. Ok so I have a nice family well, they're nice most of the time. It's been a while since this started but my dad has been really toxic lately. It's sometimes for silly reasons but I feel it's gotten out of control. When I rearranged the furniture in my room a little bit today, my dad got completely mad at me. He said I was being really irritating and would take my room away. I don't want that to happen. And that's not the only thing. He also tells me that I'm lacking common sense and shouts at me for no reason. I know I'm NOT lacking common sense. I always feel really depressed. He compares me and my sister to other kids and tells us that we're wasting time. I spend literally 3/4 of my day studying or in school. I don't know what to do. I even felt like running away but I don't want to upset my mom and my sister who are nicer to me. I feel really insecure and the worst thing is that it's not just me he is mean to. I always see other dads who treat their kids so nicely and I get so upset. I feel like my dad has a big ego and I know most of us do but it's really hurting me and my sister too. What should I do? Please help me.
There's probably nothing you can do about your dad. You don't know what's behind the scenes where he can't help but lash out at people. Maybe he's miserable at his job or has some health condition. Physical or mental. Maybe his hormones are out of whack. Maybe he can't get it up and is just angry all the time. You just don't know. A lot of people when they're mad, they'll project things about themselves onto others. So like, things they hate about themselves, they'll put those attributes on others, even if its not true. So, maybe he hates that he wastes time and believes he lacks common sense, subconsciously. Comparing you to others is just a thing parents do sometimes when they're mad. Maybe he's depressed too and this is how he deals with it.
So, you can just think to yourself that he's somehow sick and that makes him lash out at people. It has nothing to do with you, so don't take it personally. All you can really do is change the way you feel. Not taking it personally is a huge step in the right direction. There's a book called "the 4 agreements" and its about changing the way you look at things and others in order for you to live more happily even if people around you are toxic. 2 of the agreements are "don't take things personally" and "don't assume". By learning to do those 2 things, your feelings can be spared when someone is being difficult.
Not too long ago I lived with toxic people and I was really depressed. I had to basically leave the house and go for a long walk to not be around them and spend some time in nature. I gotta say, it worked great. The sun gives you vitamin D which is good for depression. People with vitamin D deficiency are often depressed. So walking in nature in the sun cured me of depression and allowed me some peace away from those toxic people. Being in nature is also beneficial to your mind. With the side benefit of losing weight. Exercise is also good for depression cause it releases feel good chemicals. Meditation is another good way to de-stress. It takes some practice, but it might be worth your time for your mental health.
My mom used to really yell at my face and I just had to stand there and take it. So I developed a technique of pretending that I was transparent, like a ghost, and all the mean words and anger would just go right through me and nothing stuck to me. With some practice, I got pretty good at it and it helped a lot when getting yelled at for no reason.
If you're feeling really down or consider hurting yourself or something, you can call the suicide hotline and maybe they can point you in the right direction, in terms of getting counseling. The school might have counseling services too or give you a phone number. Also, don't run away, you'll only make things worse.
You don't know the reason your dad is mad all the time, but it probably has nothing to do with you, so don't take it personally. Parents sometimes act how their parents acted. So maybe your grampa also had an attitude problem when your dad was growing up and he's just repeating the cycle. The point is you just don't know. Don't make assumptions since you don't know the answer as to why he's always angry. Sucks that he takes it out on you. Even then, don't take it personally. Don't swallow his poison even if he hands it to you every day. There's probably youtube videos on how to deal with difficult people too.
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Feel sympathy?
My 19 year old daughter will be spending 13 months in a military prison for drug charges
I am unable to have much sympathy for her about this because she broke the rules even though I never told her it was OK to participate in illegal activities, embarrassed herself and has to go to prison and will likely get dishonorably discharged. . Not to mention set a bad example for her younger sibling. Instead of feeling sad for her I’m thinking I know where she is and maybe being incarcerated will teacher her a lesson
I would say it depends on how bad a charge it was, there's a big difference between a joint and distributing meth or heroine and destroying lives.
But even if it it wasn't a tiny drug charge, I do sympathize with her. 13 months is a long time, it'll be more than 1/20 of her life till this point. I'm sure prison sucks, military or not. She might be subject to more than a year of physical, emotional, psychological, maybe even sexual abuse. She might come out of there broken. I know a guy that went to prison and got in a fight, which resulted in him getting hepatitis C. On top of all the other stuff.
So, to me, unless she was destroying lives with hard drugs, she doesn't deserve the torment that she has to go through now. If she was only harming herself with hard drugs, then she should go to rehab. If it was marijuana, then she really doesn't deserve prison time for something that's legal pretty much everywhere.
I can't imagine thinking that my daughter deserves the pain and torment of prison because she got caught with a joint or something that would be nothing or a misdemeanor in the real world.
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two years ago i started listening to some 90s and 2000s music artist and enjoyed them but now a days i am worried about them in general being criticized just becuase they don't come from the 70s or before that i do like some of the stuff from the 70s but not all of it but how can i stop worrying about criticism on artist who are not that old in general ?
Mind over matter. If you don't mind, it don't matter. Who cares that someone disagrees for your taste in music? Nobody has the same preferences and it doesn't matter. It only matters because you think it does. If someone criticizes or dislikes your taste in music, just wear headphones. Then you can't hear them anyway. But what you really should do, is not care. Its very liberating, doing the things you like or listening to the things you like without caring what someone else things is great (so long as I'm not bothering anyone). Not caring about this would be good practice in the art of not sweating the small things. Since its unwise to get all bent out of shape because someone else doesn't like your music. Next time you start speculating about what people might be thinking about your music, "do they think its too new? too old? too this or that?" Always remember the correct answer to those speculations. The correct answer is "Who gives a shit?"
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I live in a house with an 85-year-old who had cancer surgery in March and a 64-year-old mother, a brother in his 30's and a small child. I have been very careful to wear a mask and gloves and obey for the past 5 months every health stipulation to do with Covid-19.
Not to get political because the disease is not a political thing but in the U.S. they've rushed things in some states and the president hasn't helped by denying the existance of it at first and not trusting the experts like Fauci.
One of the things that has led to surge of cases is reopening bars, night clubs and virtually every other business you can think of in some areas. Doing so has resulted in spike of cases and some deaths.
Meanwhile, I live in Canada where they've closed the border and until recently you couldn't even gather with more than 5 people at a time. What has happened here is that there's 4 stages of reopening. We just entered Stage 3 which allows nearly all attractions, movie theaters and bars to reopen.
I have ZERO interest in bars, nightclubs, performance venues, indoor restaurant dining or any establishment that could be a breading ground for the disease.
I would just like to go downtown to the aquarium or even to the park, a museum or anything having been holed up here for 5 months with the same people.
My mother refuses to let me go anywhere but Wal-Mart or the corner store and always asks me where I'm going or if I want to kill my father and everyone else in the house by dragging Covid-19 in. It's an enormous guilt trip and I would like to have my freedom back. I get that she's paranoid and the reason for it and that she thinks things will end up like America. We've taken months to reach where we are and health experts have got us here.
I'm not trying to be selfish but I think if health experts have required businesses and attractions to submit a proposal for opening and are adhering to strict rules that it's not an issue to visit these places if you have a mask, gloves and are being bloody careful.
The only indoor venue I would want to go to that is iffy is a movie theater but not until I knew nobody who went to one here became ill. They have limited occupancy to 50 people per screen and blocked off seats and entire sections in the theaters and it's all reserved. You have to wear mask and gloves the entire time you are there.
I'm hoping you will have ideas on what I can do to get her to see that while nothing is 100% safe that this is as good as it gets and public health can shut businesses down for non-compliance with rules.
She also doesn't want me to go to parks for exercise or large ones downtown with a zoo or take public transit anywhere. I can understand the transit part but being outdoors is important.
I'm more concerned for my own mental health than anything else because these are the only 5 people I have interacted with other than my aunt for months and have been holed up in my room otherwise. I need to get out of this place.
Before Covid-19 I was going to theater, comedy clubs, major attractions and movies. It was incredibly difficult for me when that ceased and I had to find other outlets and things to do from home. You can't stay sheltered in one place for too long.
They are understandably scared for their lives. Especially old and recovering. What if you go out, you catch it and kill the 2 old people, it doesn't only kill the old. What if, the guy with the kid dies and now the kid is doesn't have a dad? I know this is not what you want to hear, but it out there...
A 37 year old marine friend of mine got it and was hospitalized, my step father got it and it was mild. One of my cousins got it and didn't know. They had a little get together and now their whole family has it. Only 1 person got it really bad but it got like 10 people sick.
So its entirely possible that you catch it if you're not careful and give it to everyone in the house.
You gotta understand that they are convinced that if they get it, they'll likely die. (my mom is old and has pre-existing conditions and she's just as paranoid). So they're afraid and thus make such demands of you. Though, you can just got out for a walk in your neighborhood and you're probably fine. Sunshine is good for the immune system too. Just avoid crowded places. I'm sure you've seen on the news that some young people don't care about it and gather, then it ends up spreading like wildfire. But the ones that end up suffering are the older people in their lives that they interact with.
Given that they are afraid of dying because of covid, I don't think its out of the question that they want to control you. Though, walking around the neighborhood for exercise should totally be fine so long as you stay away from where people go. Maybe you can at least convince them of letting you walk around your neighborhood. One good trick to try to convince someone to give you what you want, is to ask for something way bigger first, then when they say no, bring up what you really wanted. By comparison it will be a much smaller request and so they might grant it.
Yes it sucks, but yes it would be selfish to go out and unnecessarily expose yourself because you're bored. You could accidentally kill them cause you wanna go out and have fun. Even if it doesn't kill the person, they could have permanent organ damage. Is whatever it is you wanna go do, worth the risk? Not to them.
So, probably the only way to do what you want is to move out. If you can't, find a way not to go crazy staying at home. Reading, exercising at home, doing something creative or learning a skill or instrument would take up your time and keep your mind occupied. If you wanna interact with people there's always chatrooms. I used to use one a long time ago that didn't need registration. "chat-avenue" but like all chatrooms, there's a lot of crap and you gotta find one without spammers and annoying people. Sorry, but you gotta look out for your old people, even if it means you gotta change your life temporarily to keep them safe.
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Whenever I am upset with my dad he says i can't just leave the conversation and i have to finish it . I have learned this. But whenever he is upset with me, like I am asking him a question about why he did something that he doesn't like to talk about. He will just cut me off and say "i have enough or your bitichin' " and keep telling me he's done until all i can do is leave and it never gets resolved. what should I do? I don't know how to make him see he is being contradicting and arrogant.
I would try bringing it up when you guys are chill and just say that sometimes you want to settle the discussion and he won't let you. Do it calmly and without pointing fingers. Ask him more like, "When we argue, I want to finish the conversation when its happening, just like you taught me, but you never let me. What can I do?"
When he is in that angry state, you're not gonna change his mind. Having said that, if people are too pissed, its better to be allowed to cool down. So maybe its not such a bad thing that he leaves, because otherwise he might say something he'll regret. Besides, he's your dad so he's gonna view it as "do as I say, not as I do"
Ask him how I said. Nicely otherwise you're just gonna have to accept that that's how they are, even if he is a hypocrite sometimes. Its hard for people to change.
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I am a 17 year old guy and I am from India. I play guitar and I sing. I post the song covers on Instagram. I get all the good comments but I am in a dilemma. I feel sometimes that I don't sing good (I have a bass in my voice). I get all the good comments about my singing but I get criticism as well. Sometimes I feel I should not stop singing but sometimes I feel that I should stop singing. The good comments I get I think are just for the sake of commenting. I am really confused. I don't know what to do. I need your advice.
We see the world according to what we believe. You must believe you're not good enough to receive the good comments, so you disregard them as not being genuine and you accept the negative ones.
Take the bad comments as constructive criticism. Of course, there's always haters. If you're gonna perform, so it because you want to do it, not because of whatever comments come your way. Its like if someone feels fat and someone tells them they look good, they're not gonna believe it, even if the person is being genuine.
So play because you want to play not because of the praise you get or don't get. Take criticism as constructive criticism. If you can't then say "haters gonna hate" and move on. I'm sure everyone that has made it as a musician has had their share of criticism and doubt. But if you like what you're doing, who cares what others think. You could of course, not post your recording and keep it to yourself. You can examine it and determine what areas you can improve on.
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Male 24,my girlfriend broke up with me, I still love her alot.. We see each other every day,we have friends in common, I still think about her, at times I feel like picking my phone and calling her, but I know she does not love me as much as I love her....I'm trying to move on but I can't, she's always on my mind.
It hurts, and I don't know how to make the pain stop.
You should do what you can to not see her. It only makes things worse for you. One thing that helped me get over someone is this: When you think about her, switch your mind to things you hate about her. Be nitpicky and really critical of her flaws. Basically, learn to dislike her. Focus on the bad things about her. Get annoyed and be like "eff that bitch". Might sound harsh but you're not telling her these things and your brain will learn to associate her with things that annoy you, not fondness. I found it a lot easier to move on after doing this. I even found a song (in spanish, if you speak spanish, its called "chinga tu madre" by molotov. Which roughly translates to "go eff yourself") Which basically hates on a girl the whole song and I would listen to that and sing along and it made me feel better. Not because I hated her, but because my mind didn't go to "I lost something, so I'm gonna feel bad" when I thought of her, Instead it went to "maaan, eff that bitch" and I didn't feel the feelings of loss and longing. I was glad I didn't have to deal with her shit anymore. After a while, when I thought of her it would be neutral. I didn't hate her, but my mind didn't go to that feeling of loss anymore.
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My 13 year old son is stronger than my 34 year old boyfriend and can beat him wrestling. He is not that big, weighs about 110lb and my boyfriend around 150lb and taller, but my son does train in wrestling, does crossfit, and safe strength training. My bf worksout with light weight, does yoga,and runs. Could be my son has more lean muscle mass and training, but he seems to also overpower my boyfriend. Center of gravity and aggression I guess has a lot to do with it. I was still a little shocked he easily handled a grown man. I was even able to pin him down in wrestling before and I'm just 5'6 and 122 lbs.
Is this normal for a grown man? i don't really care if he isn't good at wrestling or strong, but curious.
Going against someone that is trained and strength trains when you don't, is gonna be a losing battle. I've seen little girls beat untrained big dudes with jiujitsu. Its not even a fair fight.
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I’m 15 and I was born with nub toes on my right foot.They are literally tiny, and barely have toenails that I could probably peel completely off. I have the crushing hatred and insecurity of them(which I should), and for the last few years with the development of shows like Botched By Nature On E!, I have hope that there is a possibility of a operation when I am older that will put bones in my toes to make them normal and want to know if that is even possible, and if not how to manage beyond that?
I had a girlfriend once that had the same thing you do. She was really insecure about it. But I really didn't give a damn. I wasn't dating her for her toes. I loved her just fine. I literally couldn't care less. Nobody is perfect. If someone doesn't want you because of your toes, then you don't want them either.
I've known people that have had plastic surgery and it didn't make them as happy as they thought. They said it would have been better to just accept what is.
You can also just play it off as that something happened when you were a baby and it left them like that. In the case of my ex gf, she said she hit her toe really hard or something fell on it when she was a baby and it killed the nerve or something and it stopped growing. Was it true? I don't know. Did it matter to me? No. And it won't matter if the other person loves you. And if they don't, they're shallow and superficial and you don't want to be with them anyway.
You gotta stop watching those shows that only make u feel bad. Its like a poor person watching lifestyles of the rich and famous, where they wipe their butt with $100 bills, just to feel bad. Don't fill your head with things that make u feel bad.
You're fine, you don't need surgery. Just accept yourself how you are. Nobody that you want to be with is gonna care about your toes. Stop telling yourself that its such a big deal, cause its really not. If you start feeling bad about it, tell yourself "Meh, nobody is perfect." If someone gives you crap about them, say "meh, nobody is perfect." Hard to argue with that.
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I’m 15, I’m unhappy, I live in a small town, I don’t have a trusty best friend to rely on, I don’t have a trusted adult to vent to, I can’t catch a break, I can’t have a regular life, bottled feelings, a lot to deal with, but not a lot to fix it. No one to run to. No escape, no way to unwind, no breaks. At least I know not to escape my everyday problems the wrong way. A nearly useless mother, a burden laying sister with metaphorically 8 faces ready for the world, and me🙍🏾♀️. Offer me a getaway mentally when I just don’t wanna know these people or live this life this way.🛫
I think teenagers are generally unhappy. And you're not alone in not having someone to confide in and yes I agree its necessary to have someone to listen. But most of us don't. There's this book called "why am I afraid to tell you who I am?" and it talks about communication and the importance of having someone you can confide in. But again, most people don't.
You can do a couple of things to get away. You can go for a walk. Not only does it produce feel good hormones, sunlight also cheers you up and walking in nature is soothing and nice to get away from it all. I take walks regularly and I always feel better after doing it and it doesn't feel like exercise. Another thing is exercise. yeah its not easy, but it releases feel good chemicals and you'll feel better about yourself as you see yourself getting stronger.
When I was your age, I took a martial art and it helped IMMENSELY. It gave me confidence, a bunch of new friends, got exercise, got in shape and I was able to fight now. There was literally nothing bad about it. I loved it and went as much as I could. It was just an amazing experience and was exactly what I needed. I highly recommend it.
And of course another way is meditation. There's lots of guided meditations on youtube, you just gotta find one you like. If you don't want to meditate doing breathing exercises also gets you out of your head. Look for "wim hof method breathing exercise" on youtube. Its 10 minutes and it also releases feel good stuff and gets you out of your head. Hope this helps.
EDIT: When I was writing that I forgot about the pandemic. So I guess you'll have to stick with things that don't require contact with others.
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My question is the following: I am not an EU citizen, living now in Germany, have no residence permit. All the banks ask for confirmation of residency. Is there any option to open an account in a European bank without residence permit? I have heard about Blackcatcard that you need only copy of your local passport and photo. Is that true? Any other cards?
I don't know about that card. But have you tried online only banks? or a chase card?
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my supervisor who is in his 30's like me, asked me for a plate of my thanksgiving dinner....I found that odd....there are 200 people in the building we work in and im brand new, been there a month and he asked me for food...wth? should I give it to him?
Maybe he was joking. Clearly, this makes you feel weird. So just pretend that it was a joke. (maybe it was) Don't give him anything and if he brings it up later, say you thought he was joking. That way, you cover yourself as to not seem rude not to comply, and you'll see if he was actually serious if he brings it up again. If he does bring it up again, you can say you thought he was joking and the food is gone now. I guess its possible that he might say that if you described an epic thanksgiving dinner and he said he'd like to have some. But people just say things like that when others describe good food sometimes. I guess don't read too much into it. You might be making assumptions about your boss that might actually be nothing and he was either just joking or just saying that. Better to take it as a joke. The chances of him not actually bring serious about that are probably higher than the chances of him actually wanting you to bring him a plate.
If you start assuming that he has ulterior motives and you're wrong, you're gonna make things worse for yourself and him. Better not to assume. Take it as a joke or something that people say when good food is mentioned. If he brings it up, then you'll know he's being kinda weird.
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I Have been having self-destructive behaviors for the longest time, now I have really hit an all-time low in my life with these self-destructive behaviors. I relapsed recently and having cutting my wrist and now it's spreading to my stomach, legs, and upper arms. It is becoming a daily struggle to keep them hidden from people I do NOT want anyone to see them at all. My eating habits are horrendous..My appetite will disappear a lot, in the morning I don't eat go to school with saltines eat some and that is the meal of the day, it is something I do without realizing how bad it is and how it is ruining my body... I'm really at this point of, If a person hit me with their car I would be so thankful, As I'm walking around school or even laying down in my bed I fantasize about just dying, I think death as something peaceful and calming just being able to slip away into a forever sleep. I have a list of plans and dates and ideas, it to me makes me feel better. Part of me wants a successful career but it so far away from my reach that I will never be able to attain it. The only thing that is keeping me alive is my sister, I force myself to hold on painfully every day because of her.
I have been lying a lot more, to everyone and including myself. When my mother suspects that I am cutting, I seemingly lie on cue. This is so crazy to me now because in my whole life lying goes against my ethics and morals as a person, something would never do. I am scared of myself, I can lie, and do horrendous things, I can't recognize myself anymore. I truly hate myself and self-hatred is rooted in me. Everyone says I'm getting better but when I look at my bloody piece of glass and look at cars in the street on the highway and think how fast I need to jump in front of it and when the day comes to make sure I got all my school work done, is when I realize I'm not getting better, I am slowly deteriorating. nothing matters. I really don't. even if someone makes me feel guilty like " What about your family?" it flys over my head and it doesn't help on a bit. I feel like I got 6-8 weeks left before I descend from this earth, I am just at my limit. I don't want to be here anymore. For years I have been suffering and I am done ignoring this feeling of dying, comparing myself to others and their's being worst, I am being selfish for once, I think about everyone else, When I really think about my self, this is what I think.
I can totally relate. It comes and goes more or less but gets really bad sometimes. Focusing continuously on negative things can take you to some dark places. You need to get the hell out of your head. Most people, are way more harsh on themselves, than others. They see themselves as bad people but others more often than not, see the good in them. Sometimes when I'm hating myself, I'll look at myself objectively, as if I was just a friend, and I wouldn't think that guy was a bad guy, even if I knew the shit that goes on in his head. But he hates himself and punishes himself so much. I'd be sad if he died, especially by suicide. I think part of it is a habit. And feeling bad about yourself, feels like home more than being happy. We just hold onto and entertain negative thoughts to the point that they break us. We identify with them as if they 'were' us. We tell ourselves this story of doom and gloom and we believe it to the letter. It can get really bad, I know. I think that's most of the problem. Your life probably isn't THAT bad on the outside, but you tend to dwell on the shitty parts of life, so that's all you see. A belief is a thought you keep thinking, but it needs evidence to support it. So, your brain will unconsciously look for evidence that your life is shitty and will always be finding reasons.
So, find ways to get out of your head. Go for walks, preferably in nature. Exercise. I don't like exercise, but I never regret doing it once I'm done. Its just hard getting started. Look up youtube videos of breathing exercises, guided meditation. (There's a really good kunalini guided meditation on youtube) I know it sounds cliche' but I guarantee it would help. We create our own personal hell with our thoughts. Once we can separate from them, and not identify ourselves with them. AKA see those thoughts as "us". Then they have less power to influence us into negative thinking.
I once hated myself for something I did. (which, it turned out to not be such a bad thing after all) But I thought I was a real piece of crap for doing it at the time. So I tormented myself for years, to the point where it was affecting my health, as chest pain. What ended up working for me and I mean %100 free from that burden, was a guided meditation I did about forgiveness. You can forgive anyone, including yourself. So, I chose to forgive myself. The whole thing took less than an hour. And after I was done, I literally felt lighter in my body and just happier and just wanted to smile, I hadn't been that happy for a long time. It was really incredible that such change could take place almost instantly and so completely. The chest pain stopped immediately too. As far as I can remember, you get into a meditative state. Then, then you bring up in your head the feeling or the thing you wanna forgive. Feel it as if its something in your body, but not part of you, imagine it separating from your body and in front of you. What would it look like if you could see it? Imagine it, there in front of you in that void. Now make it flat and on a picture frame, so now its not the thing, its just a picture of the thing, and it starts to lose its power. Its just a picture of it. You can just observe it without it having any power over you. Now, make it black and white. It looks older and older. Like a distant memory. Then it starts to fall back away from you, slowly watch it drift away, further and further till you can't see it. Breathe a couple of times in that void where that thing used to be. Turn your attention to forgiving yourself completely and that you deserve that forgiveness and another chance at happiness. Really feel being absolved from those things that burdened you and truly forgive yourself. Meditation can be a powerful tool. Don't underestimate it.
Also, your diet. Your diet has a lot to do with your mood, so at LEAST eat, even if you don't feel like it. This is coming from Jordan Peterson, a clinical psychologist. I HIGHLY recommend looking him up on youtube. He covers this kind of topic a lot. Depression can take you to a dark place and it leads to nihilism and worse. And has really good life advice. Applicable life advice. I'm sure you'll find something for you, his target audience is young men. But don't let that discourage you if you're not a young man. a great book is "the power of now" by eckhart tolle. Its really good for getting out of your head and seeing things objectively. Also, sunshine helps with depression. But that'll be covered if you walk. I walk a few times a day and I feel better than when I didn't do it.
I've felt similarly to you for a more than a decade. My life improves inevitably, then sucks again and improves again. So, maybe it'll be the same for you, you just gotta keep going. I found that finding new work and changing things up helps. If you are always in the same environments and do the same things, there's a much higher chance that you'll think the same things and feel the same ways. So change things up if you can, get out of your routine, try new things. I don't think you really WANT it to end, you really just don't want to struggle because you think its not worth it, you're not worth it. IF it was worth it or you were worth it, then you would try harder to improve your mental state. So that you could get that better life you want. You gotta find some way to make it more worth it. Worthiness too is a weird thing. Who decides if we are "worth it"? Ultimately ourselves. So if you feel unworthy, what would it take to make yourself worthy of happiness? If you did shitty things in the past, its time to forgive yourself, forgive yourself for the cutting, forgive yourself because once upon a time did or said something you regret. Forgive yourself for not being better in this way or that way. Its time, noone wants to see you dead, not even you. You just convinced yourself that that's the only way out of this misery, a misery we mostly create ourselves, in our head, every day. All we see is the way out and not the road ahead.
I have also been experiencing some tougher than usual times lately. And I saw a video talking about how these last few days/weeks have been hard for people. Weird. Like everything, this too shall pass.
This next part is an answer I gave someone a while back that was in worse shape than you, he didn't give himself as much time as you did. If you are ever really need to talk a to someone trained in this type of thing call them, you should before you do something drastic. You have nothing to lose. Your sister would be devastated if you killed yourself. So give them a call, you at least owe her that. Like I said, this next part is an answer I gave to a guy that really thinking about suicide, a while back. If you wanna see his question, you can find it in my advice column, (you can find the word "hotline") Look up jordan peterson advice on youtube. I'm sure it'll help a lot.
"...There's 24/7 suicide hotlines with people trained to help people like you. 1-800-273-TALK (8255). When you call, it says it'll play music while it reroutes you. You'll find a lot more help by talking with them as opposed to just asking for advice here. Life can be hard sometimes. Don't give up. Call them when you're feeling like doing it.
The thing with suicide is that we don't know for sure what's on the other side. Most religions say its about the worst thing you can do and you pay for it in the afterlife. If we just re-encarnate, there's no telling if the next life will be any better. There's lots of books that can help you change your state of mind, like "the power of now" and "the 4 agreements". Our life is what we think of it for the most part. I'm sure there's people way worse off than you that don't want to die. I'm sure there's people way better off than you that do want to die. Its what we choose to focus on. If we just focus on shit, all we will see is shit. I know its not easy to change the way you look at things, its gonna be a slow, gradual process. One thing that help, when I can remember, is "Never finish a negative thought." If you start complaining about something you don't like, don't finish the thought. If you finish it, it has way more power."
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hi! I'm from Philippines. I'm an IT college student, but I don't know what to do in the future. Lately, I'm not attending any classes since I'm confused since I cannot focus on my class. It seems that I'm not qualified on the course and I'm weak at studying, I don't even understand a thing. I always felt like an idiot because I don't have any talent or a unique mind. it does seem I don't have a brain because when I try to listen on something and rethink it again, I can't remember anything so I fail in my exams. I always felt empty and lazy since I don't have any idea what I'm going to do if I graduate. I want to go to Japan and live there. Right now I'm studying their language because I want to be a translator but it looks impossible since I'm not very good at English(and my letter looks like I don't know.) please help me, I'm a very negative person I immediately give up on things because it looks impossible.
Stress is very detrimental to your ability to think and learn. So if you're stressed, you'll have a much harder time learning and making decisions. So try to find ways to relax, exercise, meditation, go for a walk, get more sleep. You're not alone in not knowing exactly what to do after graduating, so don't stress over it.
Thinking negatively is a habit. I do that myself when things are going bad. Depending on your state of mind, thoughts will come to you that match how you feel and it'll be easier to entertain those thoughts and the more negative you feel, the more negative thoughts will come your way. Happy people find things to appreciate and that makes them feel good. Once you are in a state of appreciation, its easier to accept positive thoughts than negative thoughts. If you are in a negative state, you will attract and entertain more negative thoughts.
I tend to give up on things too unless I like them. Even if I like and WANT to do those things for the end benefit. But I'll get discouraged when I see how terrible I am. My friend said "the first step is to be terrible." And its true. Everything you're good at now, you were just a beginner at one point and probably terrible. So, be easy on yourself and let yourself be a beginner when you are trying new things. I took a semester of japanese in college and it was actually pretty easy. Maybe you should take a class if you're just learning on your own and having a hard time with it. or if you are taking a class, its probably the stress/anxiety that is keeping you from learning properly. Stress/anxiety causes your brain to go into survival mode "watch out for this, watch out for that" and being in that state doesn't let the part of your brain that is in charge of growth and learning to function as well as it should.
Classical music might also help you relax and concentrate.
There's guided meditations on youtube you can try. There's a kundalini meditation that I like, its about 30 min. Meditation helps calm you can helps put things in perspective or lets you see things from another perspective. Our minds are our worst enemies sometimes and its good to get away from it. I'm sure it'll help with mental clarity as well and negativity. But like anything, you GOTTA do it. Like exercise, like finding ways to relax. You gotta make the effort. Otherwise things will probably not change on their own.
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Hey, I’m sort of friends with a drug dealer. They sell through social media like Snapchat and stuff, and I trust them enough so I followed their selling account and asked if I could get. But they were SUPER surprised I asked because I’d never ever done before and didn’t text me back after a while. Can I get in trouble if anyone sees that I sent him a chat asking? It’s not like I actually bought anything- but I was stupid enough to use my real name’s account and not have a scheduled delete of the chat. Or is this not a big “deal”?
You said you know the guy, so you're probably fine. At this point there is nothing you can do anyway. But you're probably fine. I wouldn't worry. But learn from this experience. I would imagine its invite only. Maybe he thought it was an impostor pretending to be you. But I wouldn't worry.
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I don't really know how to start, so I'm just gonna jump right in. Let's say that I am the mother of seven beautiful, wonderful, amazing, talented children including six boys and one girl. We were gonna quit after the fourth child, but we're surprised by a set of triplets There's hardly a day that goes by that I don't feel like a bad mother. I deal with guilt and self hatred almost on a daily basis because of it.
There are so many things that make me feel like a bad mom. I'm always worried about how well I'm raising my children. They're good kids. They're all well behaved, well mannered, kind, loving, compassionate, selfless, generous people. People compliment me on how sweet my children are and every time, I wonder how much credit I can take for it. Yes, I did always try to raise them to have all of those qualities, but sometimes I think I just got lucky with naturally good kids and a husband who knew how to raise them well. I don't have much confidence in myself to successfully raise them to be so great.
I constantly feel inadequate and inferior as a mother. I worry if my children get enough attention from me, if they always feel loved by me, if they ever feel neglected or if ever do overlook a need one of them has, if I can always protect them and keep them healthy, and if I'm doing anything that could damage them. I feel like I simply don't deserve them and like they need and deserve a better mother. I can't even provide them with health insurance. They're on my husband's insurance because the museum I work for doesn't make enough money to provide it's employees with benefits. If anything happens to my husband and one of my children falls I'll or is in an accident, we're up a creek without a paddle.
My husband and I are apparently prone to multiple births as our first two children were a set of fraternal twin boys, Aaron and Corbin. Today was Corbin's birthday and yesterday was Aaron's. Aaron was born just before midnight on October 20. and Corbin came just after midnight on October 21. Long story short, we didn't have much of a chance to celebrate Aaron's birthday. My dad's birthday was Friday and we had his party on Saturday. We were busy all day Sunday with Church stuff and important errands, so although he got a special dinner the night of his birthday, that wasn't enough for me to feel like he'd gotten a good enough birthday. He wanted to go to a certain store this evening and look at their elaborate Christmas decorations. They always decorate for Christmas way early and Aaron loves anything to do with Christmas, so he wanted to celebrate his birthday by take a long walk around that store, but I had to tell him that we couldn't today because it was Corbin's birthday. I promised we would tomorrow, but Corbin had to be in charge of our plans for this evening.
Now here's the thing that prompted me to come to this site tonight. Aaron was disappointed that we couldn't go to that store tonight and jealous that his brother was having a better birthday than he'd had. I felt guilty about the way Aaron's birthday turned out and I felt resentful of the situation. At that time, just for a moment, a short, short moment that I deeply regret and am ashamed of. I felt myself almost resenting Corbin for being the reason I couldn't give Aaron what he wanted for his birthday today. I didn't mean to. I couldn't control it, it just happened. It wasn't a deep resentment, it was extremely mild one and it wasn't one where I felt even the tiniest bit of hatred for Corbin. I still loved him as much as always and I didn't wish in that moment that I'd never had him or anything like that, but I can't get over the fact that even for a second, I resented my own son for something that wasn't even his fault.
A lot of people think that resentment is synonymous with hatred, but it's not. The internet defines resentment as a feeling of displeasure or indignation at a remark, act, person, etc. regarded as causing insult or injury. It's possible to feel displeased with or indignant about something or someone without hating that something or someone. I honestly have never hated one of my children. I've always loved Corbin more than I could ever express even in that one tiny moment of resentment, but I can't forgive myself for feeling that way. Even though many people misunderstand what resentment is, it's still not a feeling you're supposed to have towards your own child or children. I absolutely hate the thought of how Corbin would feel if he knew about this. He is so extremely precious to me, the last thing in the world I'd ever want to do is hurt him.
My biggest problem is that I wish I could say that this is the first time this has ever happened, but it's not. I had another very mild, unintentional moment of resentment towards my sons, Daniel and Josh once for something that would take too long to explain, but was a stupid reason to feel that way. I kind of resented Aaron tonight for being the reason I resented Corbin. I once resented my son, Mitch for making an insensitive joke about a tragedy that embarrassed me a little in front of people. Most ridiculously, I resented my son, Gage for being too awesome and making my other children feel inferior. Who resents their child for being too awesome? My resentment never lasts long. It lasts about literally one second and then it's replaced with terrible guilt and remorse. I've never hated any of them or wished them away or anything like that, but I still feel so bad about this. People tell me that it's normal to resent your children or any other loved ones at one time or another, but I don't see how it can be.
I'm a terrible, terrible mother. I hate myself so much sometimes and I know I do not deserve my children. I love them so much and I want to deserve them, but I've lost faith in myself to ever do so. What am I gonna do? How can I ever live with myself after this? How can I live with knowing I don't deserve my children? How can I deal with knowing I suck as a mother?
You don't suck as a mother, my mother has told me I'm fucking worthless and that she hates my sister. She has pretty much told all but one of us that we are not true men or true women.
You seem to be a great mother. But you're neurotic. Here are some of the characteristics: "A tendency toward mood disorders like anxiety and depression.
Hyper-awareness and self-consciousness of one’s mistakes and imperfections.
A propensity to dwell on the negative.
An expectation that the worst outcome in any situation is the one most likely to occur.
Highly reactive to stress and emotional upset.
Compulsive, and may play the same scenario in one’s head over and over."
You seem to be a great mother, other people have told you. You just don't believe it because you can't hold 2 beliefs simultaneously. You can't hold the belief that you suck as a mother and that you might actually be a good mother. So, you choose the one you're used to, the negative one. Its like telling an anorexic that she is too thin But they won't believe it because they believe they still need to lose weight no matter what anyone says.
A belief is a thought that you keep repeating over and over and is reenforced. Our brains look for evidence of what we already believe. You believe that you are a bad mother. So you subconsciously look for evidence to support that belief. So you take these little resentments as evidence and that you couldn't give one of the kids as good a birthday as the other one as evidence, or that your job doesn't provide insurance (this is a big one because the kids DO have health insurance but your focus is that YOU aren't the one providing it, ergo, you're a bad mother. Which is pretty extreme, so long as the kids have insurance, that's what matters.), etc. Meanwhile ignoring the people that say you're a good mother. The proof is in the pudding, you got great kids, so you're probably a great parent.
My sister is a shitty parent and it shows in her kids. One is a brat and both of them don't listen and just do what they want. So, I think you're good. While giving advice here, sometimes kids come for advice on how to deal with their parents and some of the stories are so horrible, it breaks my heart that kids have to endure such horrible abuse in their childhood.
You're so consumed by your thought that you're a bad mom, that you only see the bad and not the good. Maybe it'll take seeing some actual bad moms to help you see how good a mom you are. I'm sure there's videos out there of terrible parents. It really may help put things in perspective.
The problem is your neurosis and that's preventing you from seeing the truth. Which you replaced with your own self created truth.
You can support the belief that you're a good mother or a bad one. Its just a belief and it can be changed. Neurosis as a whole might be harder to eliminate since its such a habit. But there is plenty of evidence that you ARE a good mother. Others telling you, the kids being good kids, you love the heck out of them, etc. Seems like all those "bad mom" thoughts are just that, thoughts. There is way more actual evidence that you ARE a good mom, than a bad one.
I'm sure this low self esteem is nothing new. And a lot of us have it. But you can have low self esteem and be a good mother. It depends on what you focus on. From the sound of it, you're a great mother. You just gotta let go of that self loathing and feelings of inadequacy and think that maybe, just maybe, you are wrong about your impression of yourself as a mother and the others are right. You are looking through the lens of self doubt or self hate, so that you can't see clearly. You can't see what others see. They've been telling you all this time but you just can't see it.
A wise man told a child: There are 2 wolves that live in our hearts, "love and fear" and they are constantly battling for supremacy. The kid asks "which one wins?" The man says: "The one you feed the most." And by feeding of course, I mean, which one you focus on the most. You keep feeding the "fear of being a bad mother" wolf.
My mom is neurotic and I'd say that screwed us up. Cause my sister and I are a bit neurotic too. And it gets worse over time, so its good to nip it in the bud as soon as possible. You're a good mom but neurotic, that's the real issue. You owe it to your kids to either get help or at least acknowledge that its just in your head and that you don't have to entertain these thoughts. I think accepting that you actually are a good mom by listening to those around you will do wonders.
Thoughts are only powerful if we give them our attention. Its important to catch yourself when you start slipping into negative thought patterns. Negative thought > negative feeling >so now that you are in a negative mindset, its a lot easier to keep entertaining negative thoughts, which lead to feeling worse, so more negative thoughts can flow so you feel worse. Its a perpetuating cycle.
If you're having trouble changing your mind. Find the path of least resistance. Look at the evidence: great kids, you love the heck out of them, I assume they love you back, others tell you the kids are great, the kids are happy. Seems pretty clear to me, don't you think?
One technique to lessen resistance is this: I ask you "you think you can let go of feeling this way for a whole week? No? how about a whole day? No? how about you just let it go for ONE SECOND? Then you can have it right back if you want. Let go of feeling like you're a sucky mother for one second, then if you want, you can go back to thinking it. But just for one second, you can do that right? They will usually agree to at least try. A lot of times they think its silly that they can choose to let it go for one second and feel better. Then they figure if they can do it for a second and it felt good, they'll go for longer.
Stop beating yourself up, the kids pick up on that. Accept that maybe, just maybe, you are wrong and others are right and you actually are a good mom. The evidence proves it.
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I work in a sex store and there’s an “arcade” in the back where people go to watch porn have sex. The other day I saw a man attempting to lead a woman who was clearly drugged out in there. I told him that they couldn’t enter because she couldn’t consent and they left. I was already beating myself up about not calling the cops then when about an hour later they came back in. Her nose was bleeding but not from drugs, it was bashed in and looked like she had either fallen or been punched. I tried to reason with her, asked her if she had anywhere to go or if I could call someone for her but she couldn’t understand me. I then tried to talk to the man, told him what he was doing was wrong, she can’t consent and if he has sex with her it was rape. He was basically just looking through me so I told them I was going to call the police and they promptly left as I was dialing 911. They were gone by the time someone answered and I was just told to call again if they came back. I have not slept since this happened. I can’t eat anything, I can’t stop crying. I have never felt more guilty in my life. I don’t know how I’m going to live with myself knowing that I let a woman get raped and I didn’t do everything I possibly could to stop it. I keep going over in my head all the things I should have done. I’ve never hated myself so much and I don’t know what to do
Hindsight is always 20/20. We've all done things we regret, either through action or inaction. You did what you could when they came back. Beating yourself up anymore isn't gonna change anything. Except be detrimental to your health. You don't know that the woman wasn't a druggie or prostitute and calling them cops on them earlier might have ended up with her in jail. Maybe better than rape yeah, but again, she might have been a prostitute. I don't think a rapist would drug a girl, then rape her in a semi public place that has cameras of the people coming and going. I would think a rapist would go somewhere where nobody sees or knows anything about those 2 people being seen together. So, you don't really know. You can only speculate. When we can only speculate, we believe our speculations and act as if they were true, (which is why you feel the way you feel, because you believe your speculations.) Which you can't really know for sure, can you? For all you know, she's fine and getting high again and you're the one that's worse off right now. You just can't know for sure. You're beating yourself up over something you can't be sure about and might not be true at all.
I once held a deep regret. It consumed me and my health deteriorated, my heart in particular. It went on for a long time and it was harming me physically and psychologically. I broke up with a girl because she her family had a genetic defect and I didn't want to pass it to our kids if we were to have any. But I told her it was because she kept comparing me to other guys and kept saying "why can't you be more like them?" basically. She said she would wait for me if I had a change of heart. I felt really selfish and beat myself up for months. Years later on I found out that not even a month had passed after the break up when she was already seeing someone else. So, I believed my speculation that I was a real piece of crap and I really hurt her and she was gonna hurt for a long time. But it wasn't true. So basically, I tormented myself for months, for nothing.
What ultimately lifted my regret was forgiving myself. I got dragged to a seminar where they did a meditation about forgiveness. I was highly skeptical but I played along and followed the instructions because I had been carrying this huge weight for so long and I did indeed forgive myself there and the change was instantaneous. I felt like a huge weight was lifted off me, so much so that I literally felt lighter. You can probably find guided meditations about forgiveness on youtube.
You can't know what happened after they left, or if she was a druggie/prostitute. You did what you could at the time. There's nothing you can do about the past. You're not perfect, sometimes we don't make the best decisions in that moment, you're only human. So, I suggest you think about that you can't really know what happened after they left. Speculating the worst and beating yourself up for it is not doing anyone any good. You have to forgive yourself. Find a good guided meditation on youtube and really forgive yourself. You seem like a kind person and don't deserve to be tormenting yourself like this.
I highly recommend the book "the 4 agreements" (available in audio, maybe even on youtube) Its basically agreements to make with yourself to live a happier life. One of these agreements is "don't assume". Which is what you are doing, making assumptions, believing those assumptions as if they were true and acting as if they really were true, when in reality, you just can't know.
Maybe the cameras caught the guy and the woman. Maybe even the car and the license plate.
Hope this helps
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29/f. I feel like I need to give a backstory, so I apologize in advance if this gets to be a little bit long. I began dating my current boyfriend, Steve, when I was abut 22 years old, give or take. Growing up, my mom and I were close. But, as soon as I became an adult, she started to abuse me horrifically. It seemed that all along, she just wanted me under her thumb and once she saw that I was establishing my own life as an adult, she couldn't accept it... including a more serious relationship. I started to realize, slowly but surely, that we were never really "friends." I was just a puppet.
So, she encouraged me to break up with him for various reasons and red flags that she believed I had missed. I believed that she was insane and just didn't want me to be with him due to her abusive nature. In fact, when I told her I didn't want to break up with him, she abused me constantly. At this point, I couldn't afford to move out of her house because she drained my bank accounts and ruined my credit and I was in college. One day,I believe she would have killed me if it wouldn't have been for immediate intervention from a witness. But of course, she will deny that all this happened. Steve was aware of the abuse. But, he was also comfortable living rent-free at his parent's home. I couldn't move out at this point, on my own, because my credit had been ruined.
At this point, a few years ago, I decided to keep my relationship a secret from her entirely. I felt that I had to, for my own safety. I really believed that she would kill me if she knew I was still dating him. Eventually, I was able to move into my own apartment. It was then that I was able to see some major red flags. Sexual encounters between us typically included some rough play. But, it started to get to a point that worried me. I was bruised and bleeding and it often ended with me in tears. He ghosts me constantly. Goes missing without a trace and then comes back and makes scenes in public places if he disagrees with me about something.
To be honest, when he ghosted me, I really thought it was over, especially after the scene he made at a restaurant the previous week. I had a horrible anxiety attack during this time and my best friend took me out, we had fun, we had a few drinks, and we went out dancing.
When we out dancing, I met Josh. We talked and this opened my eyes to the fact that not every guy is like this. Not every guy is some abusive, horrible, demeaning, mean human being. I really believe that my mother groomed me for abuse, making me totally blind to his abusive tendencies from the beginning. The red flags were there. She was right. But, it doesn't mean that she was looking out for my best interest. But, it seemed like these wires got crossed and I thought that I had to choose one of these abusive people. I felt that if I broke up with him, I was choosing her and admitting she was a phenomenal mother. If I chose him, I would be admitting that she was wrong. Now, I'm seeing so clearly that they were BOTH wrong. They have both done really horrible things. None of them are in the right.
So, I would really like to allow Josh to take me out. But, I'm deathly afraid of breaking up with Steve. It feels like I can't do it. I'm not afraid of not being with him. I'm not quite sure why I feel so afraid to just pull the plug. If he had another outburst or hit me again, I feel like I could leave. But, to just pull the plug is really difficult. I'm really not sexually attracted to Steve because the sexual "intimacy" has been too violent, leaving me almost afraid of anything sexual. I feel that he's really mean to me. I don't feel beautiful around him at all. I realize that I've felt undeserving of love this entire time and it's like something snapped and I know I deserve better now. Almost like I was under a spell.
What am I so afraid of? Advice is appreciated.
Everything points to you breaking up with Steve being the right decision. I don't know what you're afraid of, but sometimes the fear of doing something is worse than actually doing the thing and you're afraid of. FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real. The right choice is that you break up with him even if its uncomfortable. Its the right thing to do for yourself, even if its uncomfortable for a while. Things are probably not gonna get better and you're just holding yourself hostage with nothing better to look forward to because of fear of leaving someone you don't want to be with anymore anyway. Why do you need to wait for a black eye not justify you leaving him? I think its time to move on. What if the next time he really hurts you bad? or worse? Don't wait. If you wait, then Josh might find someone else too.
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