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In desperate need of advice regarding my relationship
29/f. I feel like I need to give a backstory, so I apologize in advance if this gets to be a little bit long. I began dating my current boyfriend, Steve, when I was abut 22 years old, give or take. Growing up, my mom and I were close. But, as soon as I became an adult, she started to abuse me horrifically. It seemed that all along, she just wanted me under her thumb and once she saw that I was establishing my own life as an adult, she couldn't accept it... including a more serious relationship. I started to realize, slowly but surely, that we were never really "friends." I was just a puppet.
So, she encouraged me to break up with him for various reasons and red flags that she believed I had missed. I believed that she was insane and just didn't want me to be with him due to her abusive nature. In fact, when I told her I didn't want to break up with him, she abused me constantly. At this point, I couldn't afford to move out of her house because she drained my bank accounts and ruined my credit and I was in college. One day,I believe she would have killed me if it wouldn't have been for immediate intervention from a witness. But of course, she will deny that all this happened. Steve was aware of the abuse. But, he was also comfortable living rent-free at his parent's home. I couldn't move out at this point, on my own, because my credit had been ruined.
At this point, a few years ago, I decided to keep my relationship a secret from her entirely. I felt that I had to, for my own safety. I really believed that she would kill me if she knew I was still dating him. Eventually, I was able to move into my own apartment. It was then that I was able to see some major red flags. Sexual encounters between us typically included some rough play. But, it started to get to a point that worried me. I was bruised and bleeding and it often ended with me in tears. He ghosts me constantly. Goes missing without a trace and then comes back and makes scenes in public places if he disagrees with me about something.
To be honest, when he ghosted me, I really thought it was over, especially after the scene he made at a restaurant the previous week. I had a horrible anxiety attack during this time and my best friend took me out, we had fun, we had a few drinks, and we went out dancing.
When we out dancing, I met Josh. We talked and this opened my eyes to the fact that not every guy is like this. Not every guy is some abusive, horrible, demeaning, mean human being. I really believe that my mother groomed me for abuse, making me totally blind to his abusive tendencies from the beginning. The red flags were there. She was right. But, it doesn't mean that she was looking out for my best interest. But, it seemed like these wires got crossed and I thought that I had to choose one of these abusive people. I felt that if I broke up with him, I was choosing her and admitting she was a phenomenal mother. If I chose him, I would be admitting that she was wrong. Now, I'm seeing so clearly that they were BOTH wrong. They have both done really horrible things. None of them are in the right.
So, I would really like to allow Josh to take me out. But, I'm deathly afraid of breaking up with Steve. It feels like I can't do it. I'm not afraid of not being with him. I'm not quite sure why I feel so afraid to just pull the plug. If he had another outburst or hit me again, I feel like I could leave. But, to just pull the plug is really difficult. I'm really not sexually attracted to Steve because the sexual "intimacy" has been too violent, leaving me almost afraid of anything sexual. I feel that he's really mean to me. I don't feel beautiful around him at all. I realize that I've felt undeserving of love this entire time and it's like something snapped and I know I deserve better now. Almost like I was under a spell.
What am I so afraid of? Advice is appreciated.
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Drop Steve and if you feel doings so will cause you harm or place you in danger get a restraining order. This order will put him in jail if he comes with in a certain distance of you. You you both some home be in the sameplace, such as a restaurant, he has to leave.
Next call the credit companies and explain it was you mom not you that ruined your credit. Usually bad reports are expunged after 7 years. Being you are 29 now you should be able to rebuild you credit without trying to correct the past. This is assuming mom can no longer access you bank account(s) or your credit card.
One thing you should correct is if mom forged your signature on any credit accounts or lones. Doing so would require you to press charges against y our mom. IF she is still raiding your bank account and credit cards the threat that you would do so if she doesn't stop may be enough to cut these strings.
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Everything points to you breaking up with Steve being the right decision. I don't know what you're afraid of, but sometimes the fear of doing something is worse than actually doing the thing and you're afraid of. FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real. The right choice is that you break up with him even if its uncomfortable. Its the right thing to do for yourself, even if its uncomfortable for a while. Things are probably not gonna get better and you're just holding yourself hostage with nothing better to look forward to because of fear of leaving someone you don't want to be with anymore anyway. Why do you need to wait for a black eye not justify you leaving him? I think its time to move on. What if the next time he really hurts you bad? or worse? Don't wait. If you wait, then Josh might find someone else too.
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My ex husband was mean mostly verbally. So it didn't take much, just a look on my face for him to be angered and verbally lash me. He only began shoving me at the end of 30 year marriage. However the mental abuse is as bad or worse often than physical. I am so proud of you. You are such an intelligent young woman to see all of this for what it really is, the light going on for you. I was still lying to myself and putting up with my crap back then.
So I can tell you that when married or living together, most women who know its a bad deal, who stay even so is because of a financial concern, of not being able to survive financially without two paychecks towards rent and the rest. Another fear women have for feeling is due to all the stories we've heard of ex boyfriend/husband stalking his ex, threatening their life, doing retaliatory things to her. And that is a big concern because if the man is already exhibiting a mean streak, there is a good chance of him trying something. I do know that if you fear for your life, you can place a restraining order on him if he threatens you when you say you want to break up.
I would recommend a restraining order for sure. Everything little thing he does to scare you, intimidate etc. must be reported to the police. It may sound extreme to you but there is a good reason. The police need a paper trail, or at least a trail of previous complaints logged into their computer system on this guy. That way, when he repeats an offense, like threats over the phone, the police may take him in for questioning. However, if he breaks the restraining order by coming within so many feet of you, not just your residence, but anywhere you go in public, the police will put him in jail when you call them.
You mentioned having your own apartment. I hope its truly just yours because if he's staying with you, it is easier to kick him out. If he refuses to leave, call the police. If he has a key, you will need to have the front door lock changed. YOu might want to get permission from the apt manager and let them know you kicked him out since he was abusive and you fear retaliation due to his mean streak and he still has a key so you want locks changed. It is important to get a new telephone number and not share it even with Mom. I would suggest blocking your number, or find out how before you initiate a call to your Mom. It is best that she not know at all because if she is as bad as you say, she might be ecstatic at being able to provide Steve with your new phone number.
If he is on the lease with you, then its more difficult. Its where he lives so you might want to rent a storage unit for a few months to put your stuff in, find a friend you can stay with temporary, I walked away from a l ease, ruining my credit as far as a renter goes. The ruined credit was better than suffering more. I can also say that long term, the stress of living like that will change you in bad ways. Stress has to go somewhere so it either affects you mentally or physically. For me, I got all sorts of stress related things, daily headaches, migraines a few times a year, rash all over my body that came and went and was itchy, stomach ulcers, etc . It creeps up on you slowly except for the headaches, that I had to live with daily. So if you are so scared you are considering staying, then think of your own health being affected. YOu wouldn't want something major like cancer developing or heart issues. Stress can bring those on as well. At least, thats what I have been told.
You also have to swallow your pride and tell as many people as should know about Steve and how he's treated you. I didn't like it the first time I told anyone else, but it got easier right after the first one or two. I was amazed how many women told me they had the same crap in their past with bf or husband and left for good, remarried. So thee was lots of understanding and support but you have to ask for it. You s tart off with the apt manager and let them know whats been going on, how you are terrified of retaliation from him because that is how he usually is. So if he's on the lease, you let them know, you need another apt, even a smaller one asap so you can live there instead. Most people understand this kind of thing. If with the same apartments, just you switching apts may not affect your record and he would be left to pay the entire rent himself or whatever. I can't say for sure on any of this but you might want to decide after talking to your manager and you might do that now before you even tell Steve you are breaking up with him. Of course he will know you are in the complex and still try to bother you and thats why a restraining order is a good idea. However, if remaining in same apts, you may want to check what the distance is that he needs to be that far from you because it may not work if you end up a few doors down from him. No matter if on the lease or not, you need to let immediate neighbors know of your situation. No matter which apt complex you end up living in. If a neighbor knows you have a guy who might stalk you or try to hurt you, ask them if you can call them after you call police, maybe a code word so you don't have to say much. Help. Life in danger and hang up. The neighbor will know to be watching, especially if they hear him pounding on your door and can open their door a crack to be able to visually identify him. This would be neighbors on either side of you or across the hall. They will know it could be anytime of day or night so they need to know they might get a call middle of the night. For during the day, find a neighbor who is home during the day who will come near by your apt in case he is outside, or knock and ask if you are okay if he is not outside but found a way inside. He will want you to say I am okay. Arrange ahead of time to let her know if you call her anything but her real name, that she is to call police and tell them the guy is inside your apt and to hurry as he is a violent man. SO i her name is Sophie, you simply say "I'm okay CHarlotte". and he will think no one knows he is there and you do whatever to survive until police arrive. They take domestic violence seriously and really rush to get to the scene as they know how these things can escalate.
I am trying to think of other angles. But not many unless you find a gal looking for a roomate and you switch to living there so there is someone else around. That makes it less likely for him to try something if he even wants to. i know this may sound scary. But until someone like him is in jail or has given up, left you alone and went on to live his own life, you have to expect anything could happen. If you stay with him, theres a risk of being hurt badly by him. If you leave or break up, there is also a risk of him trying something retaliatory. HOwever he has better access to you if in the same apt, or you havent broken up with him so its scary either way. But I think you will be glad you did what you had to, talk to police, change apts, change phone and not telling others, telling neighbors to be watchful for your sake.
Let me know how things go f rom here.
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